This is the third week with the new second system, it’s been overly hectic. My dad decided to open up about decluttering, so I jumped on the oportunity to help because my dad hasn’t ever expressed genuine interest in decluttering before and I’m a huge fan of living with less to have more time to live a better life through decluttering or minimalism. So we washed a lot of laundry and discussed some of the reasons he was holding onto more clothes than he probably is benefited by having. Some of the leather jackets were moldy because of our high humidity climate everything needed to be rewashed and vacuum sealed. There was a financial cost of laundry soap, electricity, vacuum seal bags, under bed storage containers, bed risers, but also an emotional cost of remembering the past, thinking about the future ie doubting there would be enough money to get new clothes in the future. I had really wanted to get the garden in order that day, but instead we started organizing clothes, which was good, but also it hurts me not to have time to finish the garden organization that I wanted to do. I don’t often have help with my kids, the time I have help with them is so limited that it is extreemly valuble. I can get things done while watching my kids, but not at the same pace, my daughter asks a lot of questions and learns a lot about the world, but it slows us to 1-10% of the speed I would be able to work at alone. It’s nice she learns a lot, but it’s not nice that I get exausted and still have the rest of the day to get through her tantrums with attempted patience and grace, still would like to do dishes and laundry, still would like to get the garden in order. But I can’t. It’s still the same problem I’ve been having for the past three months, what I want to do is more than I can do. I’m so passionate about my own unmet goals that I’m resentful at helping the people in my life that I would like to help without being resentful. I am still unable to balance how much time I give my projects and well being with how much I help my loved ones with their projects and well being and I really hate it. Even though I am grateful to have other people in my life and happy to help after I get my projects done, I consistently don’t put my goals first and am not satisfied with that day in and day out. I’ve been trying to set better boundaries, but it feels like it takes me 2-4 days to notice I’m not okay with something and set a new limit. It takes me a long time to admit that something doesn’t work for me instead of trying to force myself to appriciate a life that I don’t want to be a part of. For example rushing, there is no reason that I need to rush 99% of the time but the status quo in my family is to rush, so it took a long time to say to myself, my dad or sister may like to rush, but I don’t so I won’t let them rush me anymore (absent of a really good reason). I feel kind of like a Rosa Parks, sitting down tiredly for justice. My problems have all gotten better this past month, yet I’m not sure if the core negative beliefs have been adressed. In essence I feel like my tendency is to oblige others to much instead of upholding what I want and need in my life. This is the week that my husband flew in to Hawaii to take a micro vacation (2 days) and then fly together with my daughter, son and I to California where I will begrudgingly spend the other half of my year (November-April). I would like to be grateful to be in California, but I like it so much less, actually I hate it, that it’s very difficult for me, there are some really amazing people there who I do love, yet I hate the weather, crowds, scenery, falsness, materialism, egotism, lack of wilderness in our area. We are in Southern California, in Yosemite there is pretty much everything I love, so I guess I should be honest that I don’t hate “California” I hate North Orange County. After growing up in Honolulu, North Orange County is too dry, it is too windy, it is too “not Hawaii” for me. Both are expensive, so it’s not about that, both are beautiful, so it’s not about that, it’s about having some sense of personal space without being packed into a population density that makes me feel like a sardine and it’s about living somewhere other people understand and support and share my values without me having to say anything, it’s about living somewhere that my if my kids misbehave they are treated like treasures still instead of a nuisance, it’s about living somewhere that uplifts and supports me everyday, it’s about living somewhere where someone is rude and nasty to me once a year instead of on a daily basis, it’s about living somewhere where I can feel connected to the land as well as to the people, it’s about living somewhere I can feel “home,” regardless of what state I was born in, how many years I lived where, I feel at home in Hawaii and I haven’t been able to make my heart feel that way in California ever (other than Yosemite).
Na Kanaka (Human Kind):
Life Time Goal: Live with Humility, Authenticity, Mindfulness
Using: Learner Strength (I’m still a bit rude in my daily life, but I can learn to replace that habit), Input Strength (I can swallow my pride, take advice and learn from others).
Large Practice: Assertive Communication
Tiny Plan: Become grateful and use problems as a time to connect with other people.
🗹 Gratitude Challenge – “It was such an amazing experience actually, it was so special to be doing it with someone in Africa because when the sun set on my gratitude and I was going to sleep they were awake and the world was constantly filled with our gratitude like a big loop circling the planet. It sounds cheesy, but it gave me this deep sense of connection to Earth, to other people, that I’ve never had before. As that 30 day challenge ends I don’t look at gratitude as a challenge or something I “give” other people anymore, I look at it as a free gift that I can “take” from experiences, the world or other people at any time, something I can do to life myself up. Words can’t really describe how much the simple 30 days of constant gratitude changed the way I see the world, I wouldn’t have been brave enough to try constant gratitude alone, I’m so greatful to Nomz for starting that challenge. I’m still going to be going further into the habit of gratitude, because there is still a far way for me to go, but I’m not afraid to try any more, I don’t think “that’s silly,” or “that’s fake,” or “that’s not for me,” anymore. Gratitude is so powerful, it’s so helpful, it’s so healing, and it could be for anyone, it can be done in “your own way”. Yesterday I was grateful for the first sunset that I’ve ever been greatful for, it was light pink and gold, subtle, with purple clouds of lavender and violet gray. I may have enjoyed sunsets a few times before, but this was the first one I was ever actively grateful about and it was the most enjoyable of my entire life.”
🗹 Look Up – “Going well, not only am I trying to leave time to connect with others, but I’m also not shaming myself for being burntout and over drawn emotionally when I am. I’m working at both giving more, yet also accepting when I gave all I could for that moment or that day.”
☐ Look In – “I haven’t made it a habit, it’s still hard for me and a lot has been going on preventing me from having extra focus to use to make this habit yet, it’s something I hope to do sometime this year. “
🗹 Connect with Other Humans – “Going well, checked in with my very dear friend who I missed their wedding due to having a two month old baby, and found out they are having a baby girl very soon. I feel a little better, I think once they have a two month old they will understand why I couldn’t have left the baby with a sitter at that age. Letting go of that guilt. A second friend took the four tendencies quiz, I always love finding out which type people are, I have a friend who is a questioner and one who is an obliger, also my dad took it and is a rebel like my husband and daughter. Having three rebels in my inner circles is difficult for me, but I think they all help eachother in a cool and special way.”
🗹 Read books or Articles – “Article of the week is: “I thought you Should Know” by Rachel Macy Stafford, the book it synergizes with is her own book “Only Love Today.” In my opinion Rachel writes about how and why to shift from a life of busywork and auto pilot to one of meaning and relationships first. She describes the internal battle between doing what society thinks you should be able to do and doing what is more important even though it’s different, scary and hard. I’m a huge fan of her work, but I think it’s specifically well suited for upholders with an obliger tendency. For people who can already just say “I love you, but no,” it may not be as life enhancing as it is for me, someone who works on my own goals, yet sweeps them aside all too easily if someone I care about says “help please.”
🗹 Radical Acceptance – “Going well. I’m not constantly in a state of inner peace, but very close to it. I’m able to live in the present almost all the time now. I’m able to see what I don’t like and understand, that is the way it is now. Maybe because I feel empowered to make changes if I am willing to put my effort and time into it, bad things don’t get me down since I feel I can change bad things.”
🗹 See problems as opportunities. – “It’s going well, the first time I tried doing this it felt like a lie, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s not about fake it until you make it, it’s about finding a way to shift your awareness to really honestly see problems as opportunities.”
Ke Akua (Spirituality):
Life Time Goal: Live with Serenity, Proactivity
Using: Intellection Strength
Large Practice: Kaizen, Kon Mari, Minimalism
Tiny Plan: Keep decluttering.
🗹 Malama Pono – Be forthright and proactive in your life. – “Going well, I feel like my values and my actions are almost completely in line now, I may not do any large things to support my values, but almost every little thing I do is in line with my values now. I still feel a tiny bit of disodence about being overwhlemed trying to put people first and thinking people should be first and still feel disodence about not enjoying service as much as some people say I should enjoy it.”
🗹 Walk Away from Anger, Ego, Hate, Fear, Clinging to the Past. – “More and more I’m able to walk away from trying/wanting to or thinking I can be a “super parent.”
🗹 Boldly Celebrate Yourself – “I have an amazing yellow dress I got for a dollar, it shows my shoulder tattoo in a really cool way, instead of hiding the tattoo that reminds me of my past it show cases it. It’s a small celebration of myself that makes me happy.”
🗹 Creative Endeavors: Brainstorming, Drawing, Painting, Sculpting, Writing, Architecture. – “Going okay, still working on a quick project, unhappy that I didn’t use more time for these things that bring me joy. Again what I wanted became an after thought instead of a schedualed activity.”
🗹 Create your own reality consciously. – “Going well, a work in progress, but going well. I’ve been challenging my sister and father to join me in this in subtle ways, but they are responding so it seems like it’s okay to do that at this time, if they tell me to back off and mind my own buisness I will, but it seems like we are ready to grow together in unity as a family a little bit.”
☐ Have no expectations, but rather, abundant expectancy. “Been slipping on this one, I have a bad expectation that I won’t enjoy returning to California, all my plants in Hawaii will die, and my husband will be a jerk about thinking as a man he doesn’t have a responsibility to take care of his own children that will drive us further and futher apart emotionally. It feels good to write them down, even if writing doesn’t solve them it gets them off my chest a lot.”
Ka ‘Aina (That Which Nourishes):
Life Time Goal: Perseverance
Using: Responsibility Strength
Large Practice: Permaculture Gardening, Martial Arts, Stoic Living
Tiny Plan: Teach martial arts in the non-growth season, farm in the spring and summer. Stoic Quote of the Day (tidy up the farm this coming week).
🗹 Aloha ʻĀina – “Going well, still so much I would have wanted to do, yet a lot of progress this year in learning, in setting up systems, in getting help, in growing tomato, papaya, and monkey pod.”
🗹 Be the Change you Want to See Happen Instead of Trying to Change Anyone Else. – “Going very well, taking a parenting class that dresses up wanting to change my kids, yet able to see through it and shift my mindset to wanting to interact well with my kids and teach them skills, yet not trying to change them.”
🗹 Let People Help You/Provide Others with Opportunities to Give – “I let my husband buy me souvaneers without feeling guilty, I didn’t overspend, but I did spend and usually I can’t do that without guilt.”
Parenting – “Done doing this.” Changing this to Treating People as Ends, meaning not as a means to an end. Hoping to phrase it better over time.
Lōkahi (Harmony/Life Balance):
Life Time Goal: Resilience
Using: Resolver Strength
Large Practice: Self Leadership
Tiny Plan: Keep working with this Life Improvement System
🗹 Communicate and Illuminate Healing Reunite that Which has Been Broken into Unity, and Awareness (in Short, to Renew) – “Did do some Kon Mari consultation, but it feels like that isn’t the best way for me, having done it it feels like that’s not going to be my nitch.”
🗹 Set Weekly Goals – “Yes, here.”
🗹 Take Daily Steps Toward Achieving those Goals – “Yes, a little bit most days, sometimes taking days off, a lot on some days.”
🗹 Errands, Cleaning, Paying Bills on Time – “Going well I think, set a new bill to autopay and sometimes that system fails because the fine print says it take “x” amount of days to kick in and the billing cycle is “y” amount of days…”
☐ Money: Keep Careful Track of Your Income and Expenses. – “I am not overspending much that I know of, yet I didn’t spend my energy and time keeping careful track of it this week.”
The New System First Week Review:
18 Points of 22 Points = 81% this week, that feels right, I felt like I wasn’t protecting my boundaries and although I treasured the experience of helping my family I would have wanted to pause, tell them I’m doing a project of my own first and do my project first for just an hour a day and then help them after that.
Thank you reader for sharing this journey with me, it’s interesting that I thought theses articles were the most boring ones I wrote, but they had the most likes so instead of keeping them to myself I continued to write them publicly. The part of my life that seems to be problems is also the part of my life that holds the most hidden value to myself and others, I don’t quite understand it yet, but that is the way it seems to be. 🌻