A few years ago, in the late summer of 2017, I started using the free website Coach.me because at the time I wanted to be a life coach. I didn’t end up becoming a life coach professionaly, although I was successful with all three of my test clients it was more draining than it was worth for me. Yet in the end I did become a life coach for myself and kids, which is important in it’s own right. Anyways the point is I found and joined a community of stoics via the “Stoic Quote of the Day” Habit.

I think I may have become interested after reading “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck,” by Mark Manson, or maybe I had always had stoic tendencies. Early on in my marriage my husband attacked my stoic behaviour, it could have been because he is very reactive and passionate that he didn’t appreciate me showing him his behaviour was his choice not mandatory or simply because he was hurt by something else or because it’s hard not to be afraid of differences, but for some time I was ashamed to be who I was because my husband insulted me. Over time I got over caring what my husband thought, even though we are still together and happier now I care very little about what he thinks, because he thinks very quicklyy without any fact checking. I respect my husbands right to an opinion, his feelings, his hard work, who he is, but no longer what he thinks and that has allowed me happiness and well being I didn’t have when I did care what he thought.

A modern definition of a stoic by Nassim Nicholas Taleb “A Stoic is someone who transforms fear into prudence, pain into transformation, mistakes into initiation, and desire into undertaking.” It’s not how the mainstream portays them which I think is just an accidental placement of “Spartan” steriotypes onto “Stoics” because they are both from Ancient Greece.

What I would say is that stoicsm is how to prevent other people’s problems and baggage from weighing you down so much you can no longer see the beauty of life nor feel empowered to be the archatect of your own inner and outer worlds.

“7 Habits of Highly Succesful People” and “9 Habits of a Hands Free Life” are stoic books that don’t use the term stoic. “7 Habits of Highly Succesful People” introduces proactivity, the instant after something happens where you can choose how to view the event and what to do (or blindly react) and “9 Habits of a Hands Free Life” deals with being mindfully aware of unpleasant truths without being crippled by the real and valid negativity of life.

So besides those books I also read the classics, “Meditations,” “Ego is the Enemy,” ext. “Meditations” was a special book, it was a diary, never intended to be published. It was the Roman Emporer Marcus Aurelius’ personal workbook of him trying to live by stoic quotes/stoic philosophy from Epictetus (a slave and great philosopher) and others such as Seneca (a roman senetor forced to commit suicide due to regime change). “Meditations” seems like a blog straight out of modern life, the problems in it are timeless (or at least still happen to me).

This quote from “Meditations:” reminds me of many coworkers I’ve had, “Betimes in the morning say to thyself, this day I shalt have to do with an idle curious man, with an unthankful man, a railer, a crafty, false, or an envious man; an unsociable uncharitable man. All these ill qualities have happened unto them, through ignorance of that which is truly good and truly bad.” – Marcus Aurelius

There are 50 quotes in the Coach.me Stoic Quote of the Day list that repeat, as I’ve read them I’ve also questioned their validity (finding a handful seemingly invalid) and tried them all via tiny habit action plans for real life. So the quotes were not just quotes, they were meditations, ideas, actions to try, and for the most part became habits.

I happened to take a free personality test before (years ago) and after (yesterday) these past two years of stoic meditation, I have the same personality, but am 6% more open minded, 17% more mindful, 15% more outgoing, 26% nicer, 13% more willing to improve myself.

I’m still the same person (the olympian) yet more than twice as nice as before. That has really helped me form better connections in my family, marriage and deeper connections with my friends.

My rotine is to wake up, check email, play Sims Freeplay (send everyone to work since the game works in real time), open my agenda (Habitca), set my intention while reading my first habitca daily task:

“INTELLECTION: Create My Own Reality Consciously
“I chose to be grateful to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy… ” Therefore I should live my best life possible, which is to mālama pono by:

1. Being forthright and proactive. (Responsible)
2. Examining life. (Input)
3. Helpful restore balance. (Resolver)
4. Clarify complicated things. (Intellection)
5. Live stoically (Learn) https://www.coach.me/dashboard,”

and do my Stoic Quote of the Day Meditation (via link above in bold copied from my Habitca dashboard).

I’ve done stoic meditations as a workbook with this format (adapted from the Life Values Inventory self leadership for values based living formula)

🍁 Stoic Quote X 🍁
📘 Input: “Y” 🐓🐍🐕
💡 Intellection: I think Z.
🛠️ Responsibility: Serenity or proactivity?
🎉 Resolution: I’m celebrating that A.
🐢 Learning: I’m learning B.

Three hundred and twelve times over the past thee years, which is about six cycles of the fifty quotes and although I still don’t have the quotes memorized, I have their meaning in my mind and can often (not always) live by them in daily life.

I have a daughter and she loves the remake of Mr. Roger’s Neighboorhood “Daniel Tiger’s Neighboorhood.” I wasn’t happy about her watching TV at first, but I was suprised to find it’s also a source of stoic philosophy. The first episode the cartoon tiger’s dad explains “when something seems bad, turn it around and find something good.” The second episode says “when we do something new, let’s talk about what we’ll do.” That’s in essence stoic philosophy, it’s not saying keep something that “is bad,” just question mentally what “seems bad,” and talking about new ideas is in essence entertaining ideas and stoic meditation.

Yesterday after two years of stoic meditation I felt I knew enough to start discussing the quotes with ny daughter. We went for a walk in the windy fall day and holding hands she repeated the first quote twice and we discussed what it meant:

“While we are postponing, life speeds by. Nothing … is ours, except time.”

– Seneca

The way I explained it was “opportunity cost,” my daughter picked to walk to the 98c Store so we didn’t go to the track (which she also loves). I also explained if she had many dino toys and no time to play with them it would be as if she had none, she seemed to understand well. It made me wonder if I give her enough time to play or not? As I try to teach her reading, math, music, art I hope that I always remember to leave time to play, as draumatic play is said to stimulate the brain the most. I don’t want to force down information at the cost of handicapping the organ that is supposed to be the master of that information, not the slave.

First I read the stoic quotes, then I thought about it, then I started writing about it, then I started talking about it with my family and friends, now I’m talking the talk and walking the walk.

This is the fourth week with the new second system, it’s the first time I’ve been five days late, but it’s also kind of the most important time because I’m adjusting instead of quitting. Today I retook a personality test (Who Am I?) from visualdna.com and got the same result as a few years ago, the Olympian, but my big five scores (openness, neuroticism, extroversion, agreeableness, and conscientiousness) have changed. It was interesting to track the changes over a few years. Getting the same personality overall made the test seem more legitimate to me. I gave my daughter the test also and because it was pictures based she was able to take it even though she is only four. It was really helpful getting an idea of who she is now, even if it changes later, who she is now is the person I have to live with and teach right now. I’d love to know what any of the readers get for the “Who Am I” test just to see, it was a quick test if you have time please comment which personality you are and if it seems right for you?

Na Kanaka (Human Kind):

Life Time Goal: Live with Humility, Authenticity, Mindfulness

Using: Learner Strength (I’m still a bit rude in my daily life, but I can learn to replace that habit. I actually got data from visualdna.com that I went up from 24% nice to 50% nice, ie agreeableness, that’s a great improvement! Mostly due to the advice from “Never Split the Difference,” and “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”), Input Strength (I can swallow my pride, take advice and learn from others, I got data from visualdna.com that my open-mindedness, ie openness, went up from 90%-96% I think from techniques from “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”).

Large Practice: Assertive Communication

Tiny Plan: Become grateful and use problems as a time to connect with other people.

☐ Gratitude Challenge – “I lost my gratitude and lost my happiness, what happened was that my daughter had her fourth birthday (which is fine), she had a multiweek extravaganza that put everyone else’s life on hold temporarily (which is fine), but because there was so much stuff to do I started rushing (which is a huge problem) and rushing made me lose my gratitude and when I lost it I lost all my sincere enjoyment of life. So I spent nine days without gratitude and got more and more dissatisfied, until today I said “no more, I’m not going to live a life I hate when I am the only one in charge of myself,” and I thought about what my goals, responsibilities, and ways to have fun were, my daughter’s and sons goals, responsibilities and ways to have fun and I made action plans to allow us to work towards all those things. My goals from half past the hour to 40 minutes, my daughter from 50 past to the new hour, my son from 10 minutes past to 20 minutes the hour past, a break from 20 minutes past to half past the hour, flex time from the new hour to 10 minutes past, regular life ie cleaning or household duties from 40 minutes past to 50 minutes past. Since having two kids I’ve felt like it was impossible to focus on anything or make time for myself, this system I just made isn’t rigorous but it helps me focus mentally. Sure if my baby cries when it’s time to teach piano to the older kid I still pick him up, yet without making time for the older child I didn’t know when to have music time, now it’s 3:50-4PM, which is fine for her age (4). Now we have a designated time to meet her three goals of learning reading, music, and drawing and time for my three goals of doing my daily stoic meditation, writing, and my new “good things today” gratitude list. I wrote a few things to be grateful for on a piece of paper when I came home today, my daughter did as well, something about the walk got me out of a mental funk of me feeling like a victim because we had a leak that made our house moldy and I haven’t been making any time for the things I like to do, since I felt like I couldn’t (which wasn’t true). Gratitude for bad things is possible, but gratitude for good things was an easier way to get back into being grateful. One reason I may have gotten off my good habit so easily is that “neurons that fire together wire together,” meaning I was grateful in Hawaii and I left to California where I lived ungratefully for 33 years, so being back there fired my ungrateful memories of being and I kind of have to completely restart again. Like a drug addict who was clean in rehab, but struggled back in “the old neighboorhood” I have to learn new associations for the place I am living. I am completely motivated to restart though because gratitude gave me a window into a kind of true happiness and joy that I hadn’t experienced before and it’s totally worth the struggle of restarting the challenge. I am grateful that I found the challenge to begin with, that I practiced in Hawaii where it was easier, that I noticed that I fell off and was honest and that I have a plan on how to live a better life without feeling overwhelmed so I can start the challenge again here.”

🗹 Look Up – “Going well, when I first unpacked things were bad and rushed and the birthday week was bad, but throughout things being bad I noticed they were bad, that I was rushing and unaware and missing out on my kids growing up and I was constantly checking myself to try harder.”

🗹 Look In – “Surprisingly going well, when I vent to my husband about the things I don’t like in my life I wonder about him, how hard he works to give me this life that isn’t what I want still… and how he is doing in general because I am so busy with our two kids and myself that I don’t even usually know or ask, but this last week I have been thinking about how he is and asking, maybe not enough, but more than before. “

🗹 Connect with Other Humans – “Going well, I’ve been thinking of service people as people instead of as something like furniture that’s just there to be used, haven’t been talking a lot more to them, but just saying thank you and meaning it and thinking of differently.”

🗹 Read books or Articles – “Article of the week is: “Solange’s Subliminal Messages Expounding My Present Life.” by Nomz, it was very interesting, I love the way her writing ties together really complicated, deep parts of being human in creative ways. I’ve felt music describe my life before, I think we all do, but I’ve never read it tied together in the way that it was in this article. For the past two years after reading “Happiness is Not Enough” by Mark Manson I’ve been doing art projects related to emotional diversity, but this article is the first time I’ve read an article that addresses the interplay of emotions that take place on a given week vs just one emotion.

☐ Radical Acceptance – “I was so resistant to reality and so entitled about the bad things that happened to me being “unacceptable” instead of accepting that “what is” is and I need to face reality, own my dissatisfaction and take actions of change.”

☐ See problems as opportunities. – “I wanted to, but couldn’t manage it this week.”

🗹 Respectful, Treating People as Human. – “Going well.”

Ke Akua (Spirituality):

Life Time Goal: Live with Serenity, Proactivity

Using: Intellection Strength

Large Practice: Kaizen, Kon Mari, Minimalism

Tiny Plan: Keep decluttering.

🗹 Malama Pono – Be forthright and proactive in your life. – “Going well, I sent an email to the principle of a school for my daughter and told her the truth about our living situation, six months in her state and six months out of state and she was helpful and supportive.”

🗹 Walk Away from Anger, Ego, Hate, Fear, Clinging to the Past. – “Walked away from fear that my son will be messed up emotionally if I let him cry a little to take care of myself or his sister and then get back to him, I don’t have a choice, but even if I did, now I believe in his strength to grow his ability to handle frustration or find ways to comfort himself.”

🗹 Boldly Celebrate Yourself – “I drew my goals, responsibilities, and things I do for fun, that was a really cool way to celebrate myself a little bit.”

🗹 Creative Endeavors: Brainstorming, Drawing, Painting, Sculpting, Writing, Architecture. – “Going well, about to finish two projects tomorrow.”

☐ Create your own reality consciously. – “Tried, but failed last week.”

☐ Have no expectations, but rather, abundant expectancy. “Tried, but failed last week.”

Ka ‘Aina (That Which Nourishes):

Life Time Goal: Perseverance

Using: Responsibility Strength

Large Practice: Permaculture Gardening, Martial Arts, Stoic Living

Tiny Plan: Teach martial arts in the non-growth season, farm in the spring and summer. Stoic Quote of the Day (tidy up the farm this coming week).

☐ Aloha ʻĀina – “Not well, sprouted tomatoes, but neglected them and they died.”

☐ Be the Change you Want to See Happen Instead of Trying to Change Anyone Else. – “Tried, but failed last week.”

🗹 Let People Help You/Provide Others with Opportunities to Give – “I accepted help with my daughter’s birthday.”

Lōkahi (Harmony/Life Balance):

Life Time Goal: Resilience

Using: Resolver Strength

Large Practice: Self Leadership

Tiny Plan: Keep working with this Life Improvement System

☐ Communicate and Illuminate Healing Reunite that Which has Been Broken into Unity, and Awareness (in Short, to Renew) – “Tried, but failed last week.”

🗹 Set Weekly Goals – “Yes, here. Late, but not never.”

🗹 Take Daily Steps Toward Achieving those Goals – “I did, but the goals were stale.”

🗹 Errands, Cleaning, Paying Bills on Time – “Going well, but maybe at too high a cost.”

☐ Money: Keep Careful Track of Your Income and Expenses. – “Did a little, but not much.”

The New System First Week Review:

13 Points of 22 Points = 59% this week, that feels right, the week felt horrible. It makes sense that not living my values or achieving my goals would feel horrible.

Thank you reader you honor me by making the time to read this, for sharing this journey with me! 🌻

This is the third week with the new second system, it’s been overly hectic. My dad decided to open up about decluttering, so I jumped on the oportunity to help because my dad hasn’t ever expressed genuine interest in decluttering before and I’m a huge fan of living with less to have more time to live a better life through decluttering or minimalism. So we washed a lot of laundry and discussed some of the reasons he was holding onto more clothes than he probably is benefited by having. Some of the leather jackets were moldy because of our high humidity climate everything needed to be rewashed and vacuum sealed. There was a financial cost of laundry soap, electricity, vacuum seal bags, under bed storage containers, bed risers, but also an emotional cost of remembering the past, thinking about the future ie doubting there would be enough money to get new clothes in the future. I had really wanted to get the garden in order that day, but instead we started organizing clothes, which was good, but also it hurts me not to have time to finish the garden organization that I wanted to do. I don’t often have help with my kids, the time I have help with them is so limited that it is extreemly valuble. I can get things done while watching my kids, but not at the same pace, my daughter asks a lot of questions and learns a lot about the world, but it slows us to 1-10% of the speed I would be able to work at alone. It’s nice she learns a lot, but it’s not nice that I get exausted and still have the rest of the day to get through her tantrums with attempted patience and grace, still would like to do dishes and laundry, still would like to get the garden in order. But I can’t. It’s still the same problem I’ve been having for the past three months, what I want to do is more than I can do. I’m so passionate about my own unmet goals that I’m resentful at helping the people in my life that I would like to help without being resentful. I am still unable to balance how much time I give my projects and well being with how much I help my loved ones with their projects and well being and I really hate it. Even though I am grateful to have other people in my life and happy to help after I get my projects done, I consistently don’t put my goals first and am not satisfied with that day in and day out. I’ve been trying to set better boundaries, but it feels like it takes me 2-4 days to notice I’m not okay with something and set a new limit. It takes me a long time to admit that something doesn’t work for me instead of trying to force myself to appriciate a life that I don’t want to be a part of. For example rushing, there is no reason that I need to rush 99% of the time but the status quo in my family is to rush, so it took a long time to say to myself, my dad or sister may like to rush, but I don’t so I won’t let them rush me anymore (absent of a really good reason). I feel kind of like a Rosa Parks, sitting down tiredly for justice. My problems have all gotten better this past month, yet I’m not sure if the core negative beliefs have been adressed. In essence I feel like my tendency is to oblige others to much instead of upholding what I want and need in my life. This is the week that my husband flew in to Hawaii to take a micro vacation (2 days) and then fly together with my daughter, son and I to California where I will begrudgingly spend the other half of my year (November-April). I would like to be grateful to be in California, but I like it so much less, actually I hate it, that it’s very difficult for me, there are some really amazing people there who I do love, yet I hate the weather, crowds, scenery, falsness, materialism, egotism, lack of wilderness in our area. We are in Southern California, in Yosemite there is pretty much everything I love, so I guess I should be honest that I don’t hate “California” I hate North Orange County. After growing up in Honolulu, North Orange County is too dry, it is too windy, it is too “not Hawaii” for me. Both are expensive, so it’s not about that, both are beautiful, so it’s not about that, it’s about having some sense of personal space without being packed into a population density that makes me feel like a sardine and it’s about living somewhere other people understand and support and share my values without me having to say anything, it’s about living somewhere that my if my kids misbehave they are treated like treasures still instead of a nuisance, it’s about living somewhere that uplifts and supports me everyday, it’s about living somewhere where someone is rude and nasty to me once a year instead of on a daily basis, it’s about living somewhere where I can feel connected to the land as well as to the people, it’s about living somewhere I can feel “home,” regardless of what state I was born in, how many years I lived where, I feel at home in Hawaii and I haven’t been able to make my heart feel that way in California ever (other than Yosemite).

Na Kanaka (Human Kind):

Life Time Goal: Live with Humility, Authenticity, Mindfulness

Using: Learner Strength (I’m still a bit rude in my daily life, but I can learn to replace that habit), Input Strength (I can swallow my pride, take advice and learn from others).

Large Practice: Assertive Communication

Tiny Plan: Become grateful and use problems as a time to connect with other people.

🗹 Gratitude Challenge – “It was such an amazing experience actually, it was so special to be doing it with someone in Africa because when the sun set on my gratitude and I was going to sleep they were awake and the world was constantly filled with our gratitude like a big loop circling the planet. It sounds cheesy, but it gave me this deep sense of connection to Earth, to other people, that I’ve never had before. As that 30 day challenge ends I don’t look at gratitude as a challenge or something I “give” other people anymore, I look at it as a free gift that I can “take” from experiences, the world or other people at any time, something I can do to life myself up. Words can’t really describe how much the simple 30 days of constant gratitude changed the way I see the world, I wouldn’t have been brave enough to try constant gratitude alone, I’m so greatful to Nomz for starting that challenge. I’m still going to be going further into the habit of gratitude, because there is still a far way for me to go, but I’m not afraid to try any more, I don’t think “that’s silly,” or “that’s fake,” or “that’s not for me,” anymore. Gratitude is so powerful, it’s so helpful, it’s so healing, and it could be for anyone, it can be done in “your own way”. Yesterday I was grateful for the first sunset that I’ve ever been greatful for, it was light pink and gold, subtle, with purple clouds of lavender and violet gray. I may have enjoyed sunsets a few times before, but this was the first one I was ever actively grateful about and it was the most enjoyable of my entire life.”

🗹 Look Up – “Going well, not only am I trying to leave time to connect with others, but I’m also not shaming myself for being burntout and over drawn emotionally when I am. I’m working at both giving more, yet also accepting when I gave all I could for that moment or that day.”

☐ Look In – “I haven’t made it a habit, it’s still hard for me and a lot has been going on preventing me from having extra focus to use to make this habit yet, it’s something I hope to do sometime this year. “

🗹 Connect with Other Humans – “Going well, checked in with my very dear friend who I missed their wedding due to having a two month old baby, and found out they are having a baby girl very soon. I feel a little better, I think once they have a two month old they will understand why I couldn’t have left the baby with a sitter at that age. Letting go of that guilt. A second friend took the four tendencies quiz, I always love finding out which type people are, I have a friend who is a questioner and one who is an obliger, also my dad took it and is a rebel like my husband and daughter. Having three rebels in my inner circles is difficult for me, but I think they all help eachother in a cool and special way.”

🗹 Read books or Articles – “Article of the week is: “I thought you Should Know” by Rachel Macy Stafford, the book it synergizes with is her own book “Only Love Today.” In my opinion Rachel writes about how and why to shift from a life of busywork and auto pilot to one of meaning and relationships first. She describes the internal battle between doing what society thinks you should be able to do and doing what is more important even though it’s different, scary and hard. I’m a huge fan of her work, but I think it’s specifically well suited for upholders with an obliger tendency. For people who can already just say “I love you, but no,” it may not be as life enhancing as it is for me, someone who works on my own goals, yet sweeps them aside all too easily if someone I care about says “help please.”

🗹 Radical Acceptance – “Going well. I’m not constantly in a state of inner peace, but very close to it. I’m able to live in the present almost all the time now. I’m able to see what I don’t like and understand, that is the way it is now. Maybe because I feel empowered to make changes if I am willing to put my effort and time into it, bad things don’t get me down since I feel I can change bad things.”

🗹 See problems as opportunities. – “It’s going well, the first time I tried doing this it felt like a lie, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s not about fake it until you make it, it’s about finding a way to shift your awareness to really honestly see problems as opportunities.”

Ke Akua (Spirituality):

Life Time Goal: Live with Serenity, Proactivity

Using: Intellection Strength

Large Practice: Kaizen, Kon Mari, Minimalism

Tiny Plan: Keep decluttering.

🗹 Malama Pono – Be forthright and proactive in your life. – “Going well, I feel like my values and my actions are almost completely in line now, I may not do any large things to support my values, but almost every little thing I do is in line with my values now. I still feel a tiny bit of disodence about being overwhlemed trying to put people first and thinking people should be first and still feel disodence about not enjoying service as much as some people say I should enjoy it.”

🗹 Walk Away from Anger, Ego, Hate, Fear, Clinging to the Past. – “More and more I’m able to walk away from trying/wanting to or thinking I can be a “super parent.”

🗹 Boldly Celebrate Yourself – “I have an amazing yellow dress I got for a dollar, it shows my shoulder tattoo in a really cool way, instead of hiding the tattoo that reminds me of my past it show cases it. It’s a small celebration of myself that makes me happy.”

🗹 Creative Endeavors: Brainstorming, Drawing, Painting, Sculpting, Writing, Architecture. – “Going okay, still working on a quick project, unhappy that I didn’t use more time for these things that bring me joy. Again what I wanted became an after thought instead of a schedualed activity.”

🗹 Create your own reality consciously. – “Going well, a work in progress, but going well. I’ve been challenging my sister and father to join me in this in subtle ways, but they are responding so it seems like it’s okay to do that at this time, if they tell me to back off and mind my own buisness I will, but it seems like we are ready to grow together in unity as a family a little bit.”

☐ Have no expectations, but rather, abundant expectancy. “Been slipping on this one, I have a bad expectation that I won’t enjoy returning to California, all my plants in Hawaii will die, and my husband will be a jerk about thinking as a man he doesn’t have a responsibility to take care of his own children that will drive us further and futher apart emotionally. It feels good to write them down, even if writing doesn’t solve them it gets them off my chest a lot.”

Ka ‘Aina (That Which Nourishes):

Life Time Goal: Perseverance

Using: Responsibility Strength

Large Practice: Permaculture Gardening, Martial Arts, Stoic Living

Tiny Plan: Teach martial arts in the non-growth season, farm in the spring and summer. Stoic Quote of the Day (tidy up the farm this coming week).

🗹 Aloha ʻĀina – “Going well, still so much I would have wanted to do, yet a lot of progress this year in learning, in setting up systems, in getting help, in growing tomato, papaya, and monkey pod.”

🗹 Be the Change you Want to See Happen Instead of Trying to Change Anyone Else. – “Going very well, taking a parenting class that dresses up wanting to change my kids, yet able to see through it and shift my mindset to wanting to interact well with my kids and teach them skills, yet not trying to change them.”

🗹 Let People Help You/Provide Others with Opportunities to Give – “I let my husband buy me souvaneers without feeling guilty, I didn’t overspend, but I did spend and usually I can’t do that without guilt.”

🗹 Respectful Parenting – “Done doing this.” Changing this to Treating People as Ends, meaning not as a means to an end. Hoping to phrase it better over time.

Lōkahi (Harmony/Life Balance):

Life Time Goal: Resilience

Using: Resolver Strength

Large Practice: Self Leadership

Tiny Plan: Keep working with this Life Improvement System

🗹 Communicate and Illuminate Healing Reunite that Which has Been Broken into Unity, and Awareness (in Short, to Renew) – “Did do some Kon Mari consultation, but it feels like that isn’t the best way for me, having done it it feels like that’s not going to be my nitch.”

🗹 Set Weekly Goals – “Yes, here.”

🗹 Take Daily Steps Toward Achieving those Goals – “Yes, a little bit most days, sometimes taking days off, a lot on some days.”

🗹 Errands, Cleaning, Paying Bills on Time – “Going well I think, set a new bill to autopay and sometimes that system fails because the fine print says it take “x” amount of days to kick in and the billing cycle is “y” amount of days…”

☐ Money: Keep Careful Track of Your Income and Expenses. – “I am not overspending much that I know of, yet I didn’t spend my energy and time keeping careful track of it this week.”

The New System First Week Review:

18 Points of 22 Points = 81% this week, that feels right, I felt like I wasn’t protecting my boundaries and although I treasured the experience of helping my family I would have wanted to pause, tell them I’m doing a project of my own first and do my project first for just an hour a day and then help them after that.

Thank you reader for sharing this journey with me, it’s interesting that I thought theses articles were the most boring ones I wrote, but they had the most likes so instead of keeping them to myself I continued to write them publicly. The part of my life that seems to be problems is also the part of my life that holds the most hidden value to myself and others, I don’t quite understand it yet, but that is the way it seems to be. 🌻

This is the second week with the new (second) system, it’s been a good week. I really cut back on how much I expected to do each day and then when my baby got his teeth in and kept me up all day and all night for three days it didn’t put me behind, because what I expected to get done finally aligned with what I could do. Even still I didn’t finish my project, but I took a lot of steps towards completion and I accepted that it was enough. Reading a lovely post, by Nomz, about how we can balance the process of evolution with the ability to accept and embrace yourself in the current moment. I continue to be super inspired by bloggers in other countries, of different ages, going through the same inner struggles as me, their insights help me, and I hope mine to them, and there is an interconnectedness that people falsely shame bloggers about lacking. People joke that bloggers only rant or write diatribes, but the truth is some inform, some uplift, some grow together. I’m not sure if I’m there yet, but I know from others that it is true and possible, that you can help others with the written or spoken word, whether it be in a book, in person, or on a blog.

Na Kanaka (Human Kind):

Life Time Goal: Live with Humility, Authenticity, Mindfulness

Using: Learner Strength (I’m still a bit rude in my daily life, but I can learn to replace that habit), Input Strength (I can swallow my pride, take advice and learn from others).

Large Practice: Assertive Communication

Tiny Plan: Become grateful and use problems as a time to connect with other people.

🗹 Gratitude Challenge – “It’s going very well actually. There was a phrase from Lorraine Hansberry’s “A Raisin in the Sun:” when do you think is the time to love somebody the most? When they done good and made things easy for everybody? Well then, you ain’t through learning – because that ain’t the time at all. It’s when he’s at his lowest and can’t believe in hisself ’cause the world done whipped him so! when you starts measuring somebody, measure him right, child, measure him right. Make sure you done taken into account what hills and valleys he come through before he got to wherever he is.”

🗹 Look Up – “Going well, I didn’t realize how much I ignored my daughter until I started doing a loose count of how many times I made eye contact vs kept looking at the phone to pay bills or my computer to relax or read ext. Now that I am aware I rarely looked at her, I can imagine why she doesn’t feel I pay attention to her, and she seeks a lot of attention to feel that she matters to me.”

🗹 Look In – “Going well, my daughter has been letting me into her mind a bit more letting me know it feels like I’m doing things with just her brother all the time. It has been a lot the past three days since the baby got four new teeth and is in a lot of pain. “

🗹 Connect with Other Humans – “Going well, sometimes a friend has time to get back to me and sometimes not, yet they all do check in from time to time and I treasure them all. One of my friends took the four tendencies quiz, I always love finding out which type people are.”

🗹 Read books or Articles – “Article of the week is: “Evolving Unfolds Your New Self” by Nomz, the book it synergizes with is Shaun T’s “T Is for Transformation.” Both describe accepting and thanking, who you are right now, to move forward with harmony into your best you.

🗹 Radical Acceptance – “I’m accepted an elderly neighbor who prefers long conversations, though I prefer concise ones.” I’m a noble out of the six types Noble, Socratic, Reflective, Magistrate, Candidate, and Senator), when I talk to “reflectives” it’s really easy to get annoyed that they are using my time to figure out what their point is as we talk vs me, I think first and then talk. Yet, I’m becoming more accepting and grateful for different types of people in the world. For me it’s not a light switch, on and off, it’s a percentage, I’m 70% able to accept reflective style communication now.”

🗹 See problems as opportunities. – “It’s going well, I cut my foot at the beach and I know if I hadn’t rested from the blood loss I would never have relaxed and enjoyed the moment either.”

Ke Akua (Spirituality):

Life Time Goal: Live with Serenity, Proactivity

Using: Intellection Strength

Large Practice: Kaizen, Kon Mari, Minimalism

Tiny Plan: Keep decluttering.

🗹 Malama Pono – Be forthright and proactive in your life. – “I think it’s going well, but sometimes it’s hard to know for sure if you are doing enough vs trying to do so much that it limits you via mental overload and exhaustion.”

🗹 Walk Away from Anger, Ego, Hate, Fear, Clinging to the Past. – “Walked away from thinking I can even give my kids all the attention they would like every day, maybe someday I can, but every day is currently unrealistic for me. I can give some attention every day and enough attention somedays and that’s all I can do, that’s my best.”

🗹 Boldly Celebrate Yourself – “In little ways, by speaking honestly in person and online, by getting little quirky items like a breakfast bowl made from a log, by making a monthly calendar of my feelings each day.”

🗹 Creative Endeavors: Brainstorming, Drawing, Painting, Sculpting, Writing, Architecture. – “Going well, using Rimworld to do floor plans.”

🗹 Create your own reality consciously. – “Again I was reminded of this, I cut my foot, but didn’t know and it didn’t hurt, when I saw the blood it started hurting a few minutes later.”

🗹 Have no expectations, but rather, abundant expectancy. “I am letting go of expectations little by little, let go of thinking we need to do school five days a week every week, it’s fine to have a few vacation weeks and also it’s fine to vary between 1-5 days depending on what other enrichment opportunities arise.”

Ka ‘Aina (That Which Nourishes):

Life Time Goal: Perseverance

Using: Responsibility Strength

Large Practice: Permaculture Gardening, Martial Arts, Stoic Living

Tiny Plan: Teach martial arts in the non-growth season, farm in the spring and summer. Stoic Quote of the Day (tidy up the farm this coming week).

🗹 Aloha ʻĀina – “Slow going fixing a drainage issue with the new veggie grow beds, yet going well overall.”

🗹 Be the Change you Want to See Happen Instead of Trying to Change Anyone Else. – “Going super well, meaning I started cleaning my stuff and everyone else started cleaning their stuff without being asked and the house looks better than ever before.”

🗹 Let People Help You/Provide Others with Opportunities to Give – “I let my husband buy me two $13 shirts and a $5 bike for my daughter, usually I only buy what I need, but it’s not bad buying some extra things sometimes as long as it doesn’t get out of control. I’m always worried because my mom always spent our rent money and had to beg for more when it was time to pay. That was so long ago now…”

🗹 Respectful Parenting – “Going well, main focus not being rude, teaching excuse me instead of talking over people, teaching talking about frustration in the common area or screaming in your personal space.”

Lōkahi (Harmony/Life Balance):

Life Time Goal: Resilience

Using: Resolver Strength

Large Practice: Self Leadership

Tiny Plan: Keep working with this Life Improvement System

🗹 Communicate and Illuminate Healing Reunite that Which has Been Broken into Unity, and Awareness (in Short, to Renew) – “Helping a neighbor with a poorly working car until her car situation is fixed.”

🗹 Set Weekly Goals – “Yes, this system helps me mentally hold what I want to do and review my accountability.”

🗹 Take Daily Steps Toward Achieving those Goals – “It seems like doing this review puts my goals in my mind enough that I will automatically arrange my week to make and meet little goals in line with this system. I don’t check the goals except for Friday, I do glance at them in the Habitca App as well.”

🗹 Errands, Cleaning, Paying Bills on Time – “Going really well, we fixed the broken drier (the thermal fuse was blown) now it’s faster to do the laundry, even though I was doing fine without the drier since I used either line drying or towel warmers as a substitute.”

🗹 Money: Keep Careful Track of Your Income and Expenses. – “I did finally! I like to use Mint.com, but obviously, it takes keeping mental track and making a physical note of spending as well (because credit card purchases say the store, but not the item).”

The New System First Week Review:

22 Points of 22 Points = 100% for the first time. 🎉 I like the new system, still thinking of commanding two points seemed very similar when I was doing the review, but I’ll leave that alone until I have more free time! Thank you (the reader), you guys keep my hopeful and consistent in this system! 🌻

I recently read an article, by Sweet Bliss, that I wanted to respond to immediately, yet couldn’t because the topic was very gesault:

GOODBYE TO ALL THAT: TOXIC SPIRITUALITY & MENTAL HEALTH

My responce after a few weeks of digesting the ariticle, while reflecting on “The Most Human Human,” “The Confifence Gap,” and all my life experience became a post in and of itself:

I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who thinks it damaging to blame victims for things that they had no control over.

It’s a very complicated topic that can become confusing easily. I used Byron Katie’s method of “do the work” and it was helpful and I never could quite bye into it though. One helpful part of it is phycological ownership of your own reaction (proactivity). Like if someone shouts something rude at you, you don’t have to be bothered, you can sometimes realize it’s not about you.

One unhelpful part of the secret mentality is saying that crimes/accidents ext have something to do with you, that you attracted it. Would you really blame anyone for being raped, or born addicted to heroin, or getting beaten by a spouse ext? I wouldn’t. Bill Burr did a funny show about possible reasons to beat women, yet in his extreme restraint of doing so, he actually proved the point about it being a choice. Noticing bad thoughts (ANTS automatic negative thoughts) and using ACT (accept, choose, take action https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCp1l16GCXI) to defuse your identity from them is really good and healthy for the brain in a way MRI scans can measure (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esPRsT-lmw8).

The steps of “do the work” are 1. Go over the situation in your mind, notice your feelings. 2. Write about how you feel using a feelings list (https://thework.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/Emotions_List_Ltr.pdf) into a worksheet (https://thework.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/jyn_en_mod_6feb2019_r4_form1.pdf). 3. Question your beliefs about what happened with 1. Is it true? 2. Sure? 3. What is your pattern of reaction to that thought? 4. Who would you be without that thought?

Step 1 and 2 are really helpful, noticing your own mind builds awareness and it’s the same as ACT or mindfulness meditation to notice your own feelings. Yet I find that not allowing myself to go through a grieving or radical acceptance period is unhelpful and doesn’t really work for me. Sometimes I overreact and project my damage onto a situation that is when “do the work” is helpful. Sometimes I am legitimately wounded by life and need to honestly grieve and not try to turn aside from my emotions as if I was a robot and not a human. As a human being, emotions are part of the beauty and experience of being human, if I cast them off to be productive or cheerful I would be cutting out part of myself and also I would be discarding one of my two thinking systems (feeling is a primitive, yet helpful, way of thinking). So, if you add a grieving step into “do the work” then it’s not a bad system.

LATTE is a way of validating feelings, listen to what happened, acknowledge feelings, thank for bring it up, take action to fix the situation, explain why it happened. Very often when someone is hurt it is scary and people don’t want to give you room to LAT (listen, acknowledge, thank) before they either fix or explain and it doesn’t help, it stalls the healing or bypasses the learning process. I feel like “do the work” does listen and acknowledge and that is why it is super helpful, yet it doesn’t give me enough space to grieve before asking me to thank and explain and then it doesn’t encourage action.

Einstein said something similar to “No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it,” and Marcus Aurelius said “Choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed, and you haven’t been.” (https://highexistence.com/22-stoic-truth-bombs-marcus-aurelius-will-make-unfuckwithable/). There is a place for overcoming things mentally and with thought (especially misunderstandings of reality or mental things), yet I cut my foot at the beach yesterday and if I hadn’t treated that wound I would be dead already… (really). But what I mean is that like kid’s who hurt themselves very easily with tags, small bumps, get scrapes falling down, unwanted brushes against other kids… yet really hurt themselves too, break bones, get big cuts, get concussions, we suffer emotional wounds that aren’t served by trying to brush off without healing.

Emotional pain may have messages of learning life lessons or at least can be used that way if we just say “I don’t want to feel that way so I’ll accept that I could be wrong and invalidate what I thought was right to feel happy,” we could stay in a bad situation longer, we could stay in a bad situation for the rest of our lives, we could stay stuck in grieving, we could choose temporary happiness over our deep values and morals, and we could turn a cold shoulder to our loved ones reaching out to us for comfort, instead wondering why they don’t just invalidate their own suffering immediately to make life more pleasant for us and themselves by always choosing cheerfulness over truth. Those are the dangers of “do the work” as it is. So actually it’s question 2 I have a problem with because once you find your truth in question 1 it asks you to invalidate it because you can’t “be absolutely sure.” The system works for me if instead, I wonder if I’m pretty sure in question 2. Yes I could be wrong about everything and anything and I know that, but without making some assumptions I can’t carry out normal thinking enough to live an interesting and rewarding life. Also at the end, you are asked to “turn around” your feelings, I think it’s very invalidating to do that. It’s great to be open-minded and try to “turn around” your thoughts just as an exercise, but turning around your feelings to be happy is like making killing Jewish people a fun game to have a fun day at work as a WW2 soldier of Germany instead of knowing you are in a horrible situation, grieving inside and doing what you can to live with virtue within a broken system.

I used “do the work” for many years before judging it, one thing great about it is that it expands your emotional granularity. There is an amazing book “How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain” by Lisa Feldman Barett, which discusses many really cool things such as how expanding granularity helps you have better control over your emotions (not to repress them but to live with them in a healthy, balanced way). The feelings list from Byron Katie is a great tool, worth printing out and posting somewhere, so when you feel down you can pass by it and find how you feel and validate your feeling that way.

Feeling like it’s fine to feel however you feel is the quickest way to get through the feeling Russ Harris explains how to use ACT to do that (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCp1l16GCXI), Rumi explains how to use radical acceptance to do that (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIhFEvuL24o), Hawaiians have used Ho’oponopono to do that (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMxXWnR-nVc).

The four tendencies of humanity are upholder, questioner, obliger, and rebel, it’s possible that I’m reacting from an upholder perspective because I’m an upholder. Perhaps Byron Kaite is a questioner and it’s possible that she never intended to omit the grieving from her system because she thought it was already automatic for everyone. I really recommend the four tendencies quiz: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/four-tendencies-quiz/ and book because it makes it easier to understand that the processes that are healthy for one person are non-functional or disfunction for another.

I’m really glad you brought up how negative “the secret” kind of mentality is when you actually use it, blogger and author Mark Manson also talks about that, as far as I know, it’s him, you and I who think that way and a multitude of supporters of a system that makes people think winning the lottery is something they can mentally attune to… the secret does go on in books to say after you set your intention you have to take steps towards it, but the movie I was shown in school did not. I don’t know if the system as intended is valid or not, but I know the way people use it is to have wishful thinking substitute taking action to improve their situation. Which is sad, because it wastes time and time is all any of us have, time is what life is made of. Bruce Lee said, “If you love life, don’t waste time, for time is what life is made of.”

So thank you so much (to Sweet Bliss), for the post, and speaking out against a possible trap that can waste a lot of time for very good people trying to do their best to find out how to live a good life and learn to live with their human emotions. It took a long time to respond for me because I wanted to explain why I experienced growth with the “do the work” system, gratitude towards Byron Katie for helping so many people with tools that are very helpful in some ways and some situations, respect my sister-in-laws use of the secret techniques for intention setting as described by the books, warn about the common way the secret movies mislead people to thinking wishing is the same as action steps and give resources to provide alternate paths to the solutions that people would look for using “do the work” and “the secret” methods. My advice is that the real secret is accepting yourself as you are, not thinking everything bad that happens is personal and walking hand and hand with fear towards what you want in life while going through failure, again and again, knowing it is hard, it is painful, it is normal, it is human. That’s what I believe, that there is no substitute or trick around feeling the pains that enter your heart, even though if you can choose to not be hurt in the first place via humility or stoicism it saves time and energy. 🌻

My other secret is doing laundry first thing when I wake up. I just start it. Not everyone has enough laundry that they need to do that, but since I don’t use paper towels, dispossable diapers or paper napkins I need to wash daily. Starting at dawn lets me do two loads if I want to bleach the kitchen towels without putting bleach on the clothes the baby wears. I do diapers and my clothes together with soap (Molly’s suds) and then the dog pads and kitchen towels with soap and bleach. It really helps me. I keep dishes and laundry under control and all the other cleaning whenever I feel like it, that way I can keep the house running without putting my kids care or enrichment behind keeping the house clean. I keep a medium clean house, but my first priority is the kids, even though they wait for dishes and laundry, because that is part of caring for them as well as keeping a clean house. I can’t do my job as a parent if my tools, dishes for meal, clothes for living, are not in place, that’s not going to come out of my sleep or break time. Also not having long hair or make up gives me time to stay in shape, which helps my health and mental health and keeps me equally good looking to the long hair or make up, it works for me, not trying to push it on anyone. Also not cooking or shopping much gives me a lot of the time I use for goal setting, introspecting my behavior, and taking the kids to enrichment opportunities, again not trying to push it, but trying to explain opportunity cost. It seems everyone is overwhelmed these days, to make enough time, space and energy to do something good you have to take something else off your plate, it’s different for everyone what they want to keep or let go, but it’s the same for everyone that we can’t do everything, many good things are available now with technology especially and we have to stop, think and choose what we will give our time to now, because it’s impossible to do everything in a given day. 🕊️

I’m not particularly religious, since coming to a parent and me preschool with my kids for a year I’ve started singing a prayer before lunch, “E ke Akua, Mahalo no, Mahalo ia oe, No keia, No keia ai, A-mene, A…A-mene.” It’s a thank you song for the food. I don’t know why myself and my family are so food oriented, but we really are.

Even though I eat really simple food, it’s pretty much my favorite part of the day. Because I have to slow down and the rest of the time I’m rushing from one crying child to the crying baby and I really hate rushing.

In the morning I eat oatmeal, it’s really simple, water and oats, maybe some cinnamon, no sugar, no milk, no fruits. Just water, oats and cinnamon. I really enjoy it everyday. For awhile I had an oat allergy and it was such a struggle to try to find something else that easy, that quick, that cheap, that filling, that healthy, that energizing, with all that fiber. It’s also more than that though, I was served oatmeal by a very kind and special lady named Evelia. She was so very sweet to me, that she made the oatmeal special and it will probably always remain that way to me. It’s easy to be grateful for the oatmeal every morning, but I was kind of blocking the feeling, looking for something greater or more noteworthy to be greatful for. I think that was a mistake. I think like weightlifting I have to get used to the feeling of small gratitude before I can allow myself the bigger gratitudes.

When I started this challenge of consistent gratitude, it’s sligthly more open ended than any other gratitude challenge I have tried. I’ve always thought that gratitude shouldn’t be just in the holiday season, or when you get a gift, I suppose it should be all the time. Because life seems like a rare thing that is special and perhaps enough to be grateful for all by itself… I’m not sure about it now in the evening, but I feel that way every dawn watching the sky light up with pink as my side of the Earth turns to face the sun again.

I think since we are on different sides of the Earth this gratitude challenge is going on all the time (me in the Pacific time zone) that’s kind of inspiring, when I go to sleep in a few minutes friends are already awake.

I’ve been more grateful than ever before lately, not neccisarily more than others, yet the most I ever have been.

I find myself greatful for my husband cleaning the carpet for our son who learned to crawl, my dad and my sister for helping me with my baby and daughter. I think it was difficult at first because they do things differently than I do, so it is a lot of effort for me to understand why they do things backwards to what I do, but this summer taught me that what they do is kind of a natural extension of who they are and how their brains work. It’s not a plan or something based on logic, it’s their feelings being different than mine. For example I love the rain so I will take my kids in the rain and I know we won’t get sick from a life time of playing in the rain myself. Yet my dad he has the feeling of worrying about the baby getting sick so he may take the baby inside for me. If he is being nice and helping me, I don’t need to try and change his feeling about it.

I’ve learned to “agree to disagree” this year. I think in order to be grateful to someone it helps if you appriciate them, but it’s hard to appriciate someone if you don’t accept them.

Before this year it was kind of like I was threatened by other people not agreeing with me, but now I’m not. Now I take my own space to have my own feelings and preferences and I also allow my loved ones their own space to have their feelings and preferences, but I won’t allow them to be rude to me about our differences. Meaning I won’t stay and have a conversation if someone is yelling when I am talking polietly. My sister would sometimes get heated and start yelling over small points, like grammer, like dipthongs, but when I didn’t yell with her and let her know I was open to hearing her opinion but not if she didn’t talk polietly. She has started to go to her room for a few minutes and then we just talk a little later and it’s much calmer. It’s usually that one of us was hungry when we are begining to be hostile about issues. I mention it because I think it’s related to gratitide.

I think to be greatful to someone you need to accept them as they are, then appriciate them as they are and then be grateful towards their significance in your life.

It’s not that hard to accept the good in people, the similarities to your own self and own opinons, it’s harder to get past the bad in people and the differences in personality, upbringing, religion, thought, slang, education, money, status, popularity.

A few things have been different this week, one was that I stopped expecting my family to help me with my kids. They still helped me and I appriciated it. I didn’t even know I had been expecting them to help me, but I was. I travelled with my new baby to be with my birth family while raising the baby. I think it was a very common expectation that my sister would help, actually my sister was working really hard at the courts as a clerk and my dad helped me more. If it wasn’t for the expectation that my sister would help, I would have appriciated when she did help, instead of taking a long time to come to terms with the fact that she didn’t help as much as I expected.

I’ve been succeding a lot this week to be sincerely grateful, it’s taken a lot of work, but it’s increased my satisfaction with life as well. Even though I may not be able to be more grateful without effort, I think the fact that I’m examining my feelings, beliefs and mindset will make the improvements that I can make perminent. I’m not afraid of backsliding into being ungrateful after the challenge is over, because the more I experience gratitude the more it feels like the correct way to live and enjoy life more as well.

I’ve been remembering to say thank you to my family in day to day life, that sounds so small but it’s really not, those are the people who I will affect and be affected by more than anyone else. I’ve also had more honesty in my heart when I say thank you, it’s becoming true and meaningful for the first time it’s not just sounds coming out of my mouth because I was told to say that, it’s becoming geniune appriciation for other people spending their free time and energy or money to help me with my day.

I think the nasty trap for family members is that no matter how much is given society expects it. We are told mothers should do everything possible, think of their children at all times, so it builds that expectation that takes away the honor of the gift. In reality my mother didn’t protect me, she abused me, my best friends mother abandoned her, the truth is that mothers are people first and mothers second. They don’t have to do anything more than birth a child to be mothers. Everything else is a gift. But it can stop being a gift when it’s expected or when it’s “sold.” By that I mean if a mother says because I carried you in my womb now you do my cleaning and childcare, then she is putting a market value onto something that should have remained priceless, by selling something it can no longer be a gift. It can no longer be appriciated that a mother helped us if she taxed us for it and we paid full price. That’s a problem I had.

I’m excited that I’ve been able to experience a deeper level of gratitude today, than ever before. It helped to allow myself the option of failing and having curiosity and forgiveness as back up plans. With less pressure to succeed, and a plan for failure, I’ve been able to succeed at being more grateful to my sister and my father than ever before.

It was only because of my daughter that we were all brought together. My daughter is very demanding, she actually “broke” all our spirits and sharing the very tired feeling of wanting a loved yet mischevious, but not bad, child to leave you alone to take a break has given us a shared experience we didn’t have before. It’s given us all humility that was a good place to start a new relationship with my daughter and also with eachother.

I was able to see more similarity between my father and I than ever before, we are both strong and hardworking, yet we mindlessly work on large projects at the cost of our own health, life balance, and missing connections with our loved ones. I think the similarity makes it easier to accept my father and learn to be grateful towards him. I am very grateful that he doesn’t care about gender steriotypes and helped take care of my baby and daughter more than my sister this year. I am also grateful to my sister, she worked a lot and is busy applying for jobs and she still helps me in the ways she enjoys helping.

That’s been difficult to accept, that if I want other people to help, it will be in their own way. Yet it works the same way with me, so I get it.

My sister hates mornings, so even if I don’t sleep all night I can’t get help in the morning, yet she is very generous about doing almost all the dinner, tooth brushing, hair brushing, stories, talking and night routines. That’s more than fair, and I am grateful for it now, but in the past there were mornings that I really was bitter no one wanted to help for me to sleep in.

One thing that stopped those feelings of bitterness was taking personal responsibility for feeding and teaching my kids. Most of the time I spend with them is feeding them or teaching them. Discipline is teaching still. Some time is bathing or playing, but mostly it’s feeing or teaching. I expected my sister would take over teaching because she has a degree in teaching and I don’t, but I didn’t really know that she didn’t enjoy teaching. That’s why she doesn’t work as a teacher. I might have figured it out earlier if she had been honest, but she mostly said that she couldn’t find a job instead of just saying that she didn’t like to teach. Simple lies like that fool people from getting to know eachother, they in a way prevent gratitude.

If a parent says I can’t get that because we don’t have money, it paints such a different picture than I won’t get that for you because it’s not a priority or it isn’t budgeted this month. I say that because my grandmother punished my father for asking for a puzzle, and he grew up thinking he couldn’t have even small things with a great sense of poverty that was very exagerated compared to the actual situation, I then grew up in a similar manner and was at risk of doing the same thing to my kids. But my dad telling me about it made me realize that I have to be careful about taking the time to say something longer that is the truth instead of saying a shorter lie that paints a whole different picture for my kids. I don’t have a lot saved, but neigther are we struggling, I’m very considerate about spending what I have on educational kinds of toys vs common toys and I want to remember to communicate clearly with my kids that we do have some money, but it’s important to me that we get a good value and spend on things that can expand our minds or benefit our lives the most.

So I mention this just as an investigation of a possible reason that I’m struggling so much to be grateful, just because I wasn’t exposed to gratitude growing up in my particular family. Even though they tried to force us, and succeeded in forcing us, to say thank you, without showing true feelings of gratitude, I didn’t learn that aspect of humanity until much later in life.

After three weeks I can say that gratitude could have been in my life sooner, there is no part of me that isn’t compatible with it, it just didn’t happen to be a skill I learned sooner.

The parenting class I am taking hasn’t been very helpful to my life, but I’m very commited to trying to treat my daughter with dignity and respect and also protect the rest of the family from being hit, kicked or yelled at by puting her in her room if she wants to do those things. I would rather talk to her, I would rather hug her, I would rather calm her if I can, but sometimes she doesn’t allow for any of those things to happen, sometimes if she starts kicking she just won’t stop and even hugging her causes her to scream and try to bite. It’s interesting that the gratitude challenge has helped me parent her much more than the class has.

Because my daughter is very mischevious I’ve been pushed to yelling and being rude (though I’m working on stopping) and that led me to look up why I am rude and I found that there are two types of rude people, hot-headed and mean. Based on the descriptions I found I am hot-headed, so is my father, my sister, my husband and my daughter… but when we are targeted for mischief, we get angry, when we get angry we get rude. When we ask for something rudely that’s complaining and that degrades all our relationships. It’s a cycle that keeps happening in my family. When anyone is hungry or grumpy we complain and then we like eachother less and less. I’m trying to cut off the rude part of the complaint and at the same time accept the person’s feelings of wanting help behind the complaint. The reason why I’m trying is because of gratitude. A long time ago when I was walking I complained to my mom that my foot was wounded and I wanted a bandaid, she scolded me, but another lady gave me a bandaid. I have this geniune gratitude for that bandaid to this day, because it gave me so much faith in humanity, that there are many good people, that we don’t have to do everything alone because many people are out there who would help another person for no other reason than to help.

This post is very tangled, but that is how gratitude affects me, it has really affected just about every part of my life, from how I feel about writing (grateful to have met my first goal), to my connection with the farm we started this year (grateful to eat food that seems to be offered by the abundant forces of nature), to how I feel about my loved ones on a day to day basis (more patient because of the gratitude others have shown me), to how I feel about washing dishes (because it’s an act of helping those I’m grateful for)… so there were two things that helped me one was a quote I can’t find right now that I thought was Maya Angelou about if you wholly accept who you are then what others say will stop bothering you and another was Marcus Aurelius’ quote “When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” I wake up to that quote everyday and it’s really helped me get through this gratitude challenge to begin the day with gratitude.

Follow Up: Last night I couldn’t remember the quote I wanted was actually: “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” – Marcus Aurelius. Meaning if I was born with the same experiences and DNA as the person I am judging, I would have also been that person, we are not better than ourselves wherever we are… we are all unequal, given different strengths and challenges. That quote got into my head and helped me stop judging people after about 30 years of being judgemental.

Also one thing special happened, I lost my purse and all my money. I told my husband and he was very supportive. I was a $2 purse and $1 of cash, so I was really lucky there. It had a sunblock stick, a lip gloss, an ID card and 1 debit card. It was the best wallet loss ever, still I was confused and embarresed. Basically my purse was laid flat in a paper grochery bag that got thrown out at the dump. My purse was the same color as the bag and small. I usually have a designated place for it, but these things happen and will continue to happen. The situation was really nice because all my loved ones gave me empathy and took care of me without shaming me that I was careless. Suprisingly, loosing my wallet was a very poitive experience this time, it showed me that I have support in my life and can get help from others. 🌻

Song for this post.