It’s amazing that yesterday I thought I wouldn’t be able to face today, and today I nailed today.

My son got a mosquito bite last night, I had no idea, he woke up many times, especially 4AM, didn’t quiet when I walked him, eventually I turned on the light and noticed him scratching a huge welt. I actually have a decent spray for that, eventually found it and put it on him. The point being I didn’t sleep well.

I had no reason to succeed today, I had less sleep, a bad attitude, some cramps, yet today went really well.

I want to remember today whenever I fear the next day, because this time, there was no reason for the fear.

7 Wake (Missed That)
8 Eat (Caught Up)
9 Music Class (Did Just a Little – Better than Nothing)
10 Son’s School | Daughter’s Free Play (Went Well)

The day started late, but we kept the same steps, coffee for me, neuro-training with Mightier for my 4-year-old, then breakfast.

My husband said to my daughter “are you hungry” and I almost flipped out, because it seemed like he was shaming me for starting breakfast 40 minutes late rather than offering to cook for her… she didn’t answer him, I had a coffee and a quick shower (as I always do), then I made the breakfast we eat everyday (oatmeal – coconut milk – blueberries) and even though it was late everything was fine. My daughter didn’t even complain, she did some free playing with blocks and toys. So usually breakfast is right at 8AM, but today it happened at 8:40, nothing exploded (not even me). My daughter did her 5 minute Duo Lingo Language lesson so earned 10 minutes of phone time she uses for reading or math apps, it went really well today.

I had our intended schedule on a clipboard so I could look at it, it was supposed to be 3 hours of learning at 9AM, 10AM, 11AM, after doing a short music time where my daughter asked for guitar, then after I tuned it tried to give the guitar back without practicing. I could have gotten really angry, but I didn’t, I did make her learn a really short slack key guitar song, because slack key is open G there are a lot of good sounding open strings, it took about 3 minutes to learn and practice it 3 times after me taking 5-10 to do the tuning, which required restringing the 6th string… The tuning is DG-DG-BD for some reason it’s hard for me to remember maybe “Dogs go, dogs go, beautiful dogs,” will help me remember?

When 10 AM started I knew my daughter was loosing her mind, she had wanted to do 3 hours of learning together, but I knew it would be hard for her not to have play time in between. So instead of letting it melt down I talked to her respectfully, “you need some play time, but we didn’t leave any in the morning, do you want to switch something?” She wanted to switch dinner I said no, we switched an hour of afternoon play time for school time, shifting school time to 3PM for the first time. I didn’t think it would go well, but was willing to try it. The 10 AM play time went really well, she played very well by herself while I gave her brother school. We did Japanese, but in a bilingual way so he learned some English too. It was nice doing that early because I usually end the day hating myself that my son didn’t get any educational time other than just overhearing his sister’s lessons.

11 Exercise Class (Went Well)

Next it was exercise time, which I was dreading, but it wasn’t too bad. We did alphabet exercise, my daughter wanted me to do it with her like I used to do, I did some of the stretches, but I backed off a lot, being the instructor rather than doing everything, encouraging a lot. She really soaked up the encouragement, it helped her adjust to doing our routine in a new way this time. I used to lift her up, but it wasn’t an option for my back today, and she took it well lifting a flower pillow up herself rather than being lifted. Exercise time was much better than I expected my son took my daughter’s old place and she took mine and I took a leadership role for perhaps the first time.

12 Lunch (Went Well)

Lunch went well, I made mash potatoes, my son’s favorite, my daughter wanted some too, she finished that and ate cottage cheese, I gave her some rainbow jelly treats since she had cleaned up without complaining after her 10-11 AM play.

1 Swim (Good Enough)

There was an accident at swim time, but since I hate taking the kids swimming any ways, it didn’t really get me down. I feel like my kids loving the pool and having access to a pool and so little else makes it worth it to do something I hate. I feel like in order to try to do what I can to make this year my best year ever, teaching the kids to swim could be a piece of that puzzle. I love my new red men’s swim shorts, I feel better doing all the kid wrangling in not a women’s bikini, actually I don’t think I ever want to go back to a bikini they don’t feel empowering even though I’m pretty athletic, I’m too modest in my personality to enjoy that much of my legs showing no matter if society gives me the green light or not.

2 Outside (Went Well)

Usually we play outside, today we took a walk, my husband actually knocked my one year old son down trying to rush him to walk faster… that guy. I think it was a great time for my son overall though, because they were repaving our street about a dozen large trucks were there and he appeared to have the time of his life watching the large trucks moving asphalt around. My husband was happy to see a female working, I have to admit it was cool to me too.

3 Daughter’s School | Son’s Free Play (So So)

It didn’t go well, I could sense my daughter didn’t have a good mental focus going into school time, I decided tomorrow school can’t be at 3 PM. I talked to her about “schema” meaning I explained the larger picture for the first time, I meant to do that a lot sooner. We talked about math, about four kinds of math she already did, counting, arithmetic, logic and geometry, applications for all of them (money, money, computers, and building). I let her watch an addition review that was far beneath her level, she noticed it too as we did the tests, I told her there was another level of the same kind (Preschool Prep Videos Free on Youtube) and she was happy, I think she wanted to do more preschool prep, yet didn’t know it continued forward. In general she had been acting like a baby this year, but today she showed signs of being ready to grow up into what she actually is. Like she is holding onto a baby teething ring, but has had all her teeth for years and doesn’t even chew it… Today she moved her dining table seat to help me without complaining, it was as if she became a new person to me in that moment. So school didn’t go well, but since I thought it wouldn’t go well at 3 I took it well that it didn’t.

4 Dinner (Good Enough)

My son threw food, my husband didn’t join us because he hates eating with us, but it was good enough. My kids ate well-ish. My daughter shared some food with my son out of kindness, she tried some of his, she cooked a little, it was nice for the kids

5 Video Called Aunt (Really Good)

It wasn’t perfect, but surprisingly well, some origami, some books, a short spelling lesson.

6 Mom (Went Well)

A game that has some reading and math, then computer programing.

7 Dad (Ended Badly)

They came home in a screaming fit over her wanting a new toy lizard “right now” while her brother was sleeping. Her pet lizards just died last week, so I get that she was upset, though we don’t allow her to scream or tell us to buy things “right now”.

8 Settle Down (Went Well)

I put her in the shower a bit rudely while she was still throwing a fit, she showered and fussed and calmed down well, she came out calmer, we set up her multiplication video (tablet in night mode), I told her I knew she missed her lizards and that was probably why she wanted a new lizard toy, she agreed, I told her I loved her 13,000.5, after a few minutes her dad talked to her about that he would get her lizard when he was ready to, not when she ordered him to, after I took a shower I asked her to switched to her bed, she did, I thanked her for being pretty good today, she was happy I thought she was good overall.

I did some writing when my daughter and husband were together at 7PM after my son fell asleep at 6:30ish. Fed my son a bit more at 8:30PM, hoping to stop feeding him milk tonight. My husband said he doesn’t want 7-8PM again tomorrow, he said “I can’t do this again” I know how that feels. He said he could try 6-7PM tomorrow. I said, “that’s why we try things.” It’s not quite movie dialogue material, but I think we communicated more respectfully today than ever before and I think it made the day go better. I tried to be nice in the way I ask for help with my daughter, my husband, my sister and they all stepped up a little to help me. Even though I am picky about what I want done, if I am clear about what I want and nice about inevitable changes I can get some more help from the people already in my life. That was really nice to find out. I was afraid to ask before, afraid to push through the resistance to trying together with people.

My daughter said she couldn’t do origami, then she tried, and did fine and had fun. My sister said she couldn’t distance teach, then she tried, and did fine and felt successful and empowered. My husband had a horrible day at home with us watching me do 90% of the work and he noticed how hard it was, that was great in it’s own way, he can barely even stand to be around the magnitude of work that goes into raising our kids, he used to belittle the amount of work he thought I did on a daily basis. It’s great for him to know how hard our particular family is to juggle.

I particularly like today, because I was completely honest about my negativity yesterday and today was wonderful in it’s own way. So I don’t have to “think positive” for the future to have beautiful things in store, that I don’t have to spend time “attracting” what I want.

It’s an affirmation of a deep belief I have that the universe is much more magical than all my imaginings. That I don’t know what the future will bring. There is a beauty and mystery in that.

Though I’m sick of many things, I don’t know that they won’t be over tomorrow, I have no way to know what technology will solve when I know what it does now was completely unpredictable in the past. Or maybe human kindness will solve some of our problems? There can be solutions that I don’t know waiting just around the corner, I don’t have to prove them to haters or come up with them, there are many more people than me working towards a better world, I think it would be doubtful that we can’t get there.

It’s interesting that I don’t know what tomorrow holds for us, but also that I’m so clueless about what tomorrow holds even for just me.

I didn’t know a small amount of exercise would make me feel more alive. I didn’t know hating parenting would make me feel more patience towards my husband. I didn’t know multiplication would bring me closer to my daughter. There is a beauty about how much I don’t know, because so many wonderful things could lie within a sea of that great an expanse.

It may be too early to call it, but after a week of Nanny 911ing myself, I feel like I’ve hit the turning point in the war and I’m winning it. I feel like it’s Gettysburg, because it’s the first stage in freeing the slave within.

I find it weird that time outs worked when so many people say they don’t work, maybe there is only a small window of ages where they can work and 4 years old is the right one? Or maybe because my daughter picked them herself? Or maybe because I said I didn’t want them to work because I don’t like them? For whatever reason, something finally clicked into place in our family life today, that’s how I feel anyways, I’m very grateful for that.