๐Ÿ”ฎ Word of Wordcraft ๐Ÿ“œ III

Today I have my writing goal of beginning to start comics soon, as I continue to seek who I am and what my message to the world is:

Woke up about 6 AM today, feeling behind all day, still getting up about 4 times each night to feed my son, who I love. I don’t really resent that, but when I did wake up my husband was home, instead of running, and we had about 3 unpleasant arguments, and I’m having a bit of trouble trying to clear my head from that and restart my day mentally.

To sum up the arguments 1. We don’t agree about meal planning. 2. We don’t agree about what food is appropriate for children. 3. We don’t agree about budgeting. 4. We don’t agree about values.

After we calm down, unfortunately we still don’t agree, as with most of our marriage the best we do is agree to disagree, and we live in calm and peace, but lacking solidarity, lacking mutual respect and lacking genuine affection. There is a real pain to that when the dream of living with camaraderie becomes glaringly failed. But remembering failure is part of success, maybe it’s a necessary feeling to notice where we have gotten to in our marriage.

Bitmoji Image

I started reading a book that describes seasons of marriage, though it is the heat of summer now where we live, our marriage is in a winter, we don’t respect one another much, I can see that, though I don’t yet have a solution for it. But even starting that book and not finishing it gave me a perspective that maybe it’s okay to be at a low spot, maybe marriage is a cycle of highs and low and expecting it to be a cycle of highs and lows has helped me embrace my own reality, unideal as it is. We are two parents who were newly married, we had a high needs child, it drained us, we made a lot of mistakes and a lot of sacrifices, we had a second child, it drained us, but somehow it boosted our morale as well, brought balance to our family, so here we are, we still have the classes of culture and personality we always had, but with a lot less time and energy to even attempt to fix things. Things are about as good as they could be expected to be with no maintenance and no attention to fixing lingering problems, not that good.

Bitmoji Image
It’s only raining in my heart.

Another thing that doesn’t help is wanting to give the kids a cheery life leads to repressing problems even more than normal, which was already really repressed for us.

I don’t really want my personal problems to follow me to my individual self, but they always do don’t they? That’s why fixing personal problems is a key to success from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, to shift to a relationship focused life intentionally rather than be slowed down by the inevitable problems that meaningful relationships come with.

dear dairy
Writing is a sanctuary, you can show up clean and beautiful or dirty and torn, it takes you in no matter what.

Even feeling sad is a bit of a blessing, for many years I repressed my sadness and felt mostly empty, without sadness, happiness diminishes as well… Rumi wrote a poem about embracing any feeling, sadness, anger ext:

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

– Jellaludin Rumi

I first saw it as a children’s cartoon and expected my daughter to learn it, but I’ve only now been able to really learn it, so if it takes her longer that’s fine isn’t it?

Go Zen Emotional Acceptance for Kids

Writing can be a meditation of sorts, a way to sort what you can control and what you can’t or won’t take on, a boundary setting exercise.

Writing can be a way to make sense of this crazy world.

Writing can be so many things…

– Last WWC Post

Something here sparks truth and joy for me, it sparkles like a diamond hidden in the sand catching the sun, trying to lead me to an unseen path of purpose and meaning (or so I imagine… is it a mirage?).

I don’t even know what a good mom would be like.

– Last WWC Post

In a reply to a comment, I’ve figured it out what is is to me:

“Iโ€™m not a super mom to me, because I donโ€™t care about the little things my children do, when a butterfly brings them joy or when they are proud they saved a bee, or when they wash their hands and ask โ€œmom, arenโ€™t you proud?โ€ and I say โ€œno, Iโ€™m not going to lie, no. I am often proud of you, but not for doing normal things that you already know how to doโ€ฆโ€ To me, a super mom would always be on the kidโ€™s side, would be someone who would remember to create a safe place to talk with no shame and judgment. Iโ€™m healthy, I grew up athletic so I have a decent amount of stamina, itโ€™s easier for me to do a lot of activities than it is to just be still and present and answer kidโ€™s questions with kindness and patience like I would want to do. I want to care about what my kids care about, but I just donโ€™t have that much โ€œcare about things staminaโ€ to match their enthusiasm. Anywaysโ€ฆ sincerely, thank you for the advice, itโ€™s very good advice for me to enjoy life and take baby steps, I want to post it somewhere in my house. Baby steps. Which are actually the hardest steps, babies canโ€™t walk. Itโ€™s crazy difficult for babies to handle the gravity, they fall down a lot. I never thought about it, but asking someone to take baby steps is challenging them to do something very hard to live up to their natural potential. “

To Me, A Super Parent Would:

  1. Care about the little things.

2. Always be on the kidโ€™s side.

3. Remember to create a safe place to talk.

4. Answer kidโ€™s questions with kindness and patience.

5. Care about what my kids care about.

I don’t know if those things are possible for me, I don’t know if they are an unrealistic lack of boundaries, I don’t know if I want to be those things or commit to trying to, I don’t even know that I would want to be a super parent. But at least I know what one would be like now, I’ve formed a mental idea of what a good parent would be like, perhaps knowing is half the battle? ๐Ÿช–


I often hate parenting! I’m starting to be okay with that, it’s difficult, but I’m starting to “be myself”…


Getting more and more at peace with myself. Starting to see how I can make the best of family life without hating myself for not being a mom who loves mom stuff.
I’m doing it, no one is stopping me… is it good? I don’t know, I’m just trying it out.

There may be a hard road ahead, but it’s harder to walk with my eyes closed than with my eyes open.

As far as the comics, I’m waiting for a drawing tablet, starting to mentally brace myself for the learning process and thinking of what to start with, I think it will be the letters to myself I wrote in an homage to Allie Brosh’s Hyperbole and a Half. This is a public commitment to either make a different goal or work on the letters to myself comic on or before next Wednesday (that’s a lot of commitment for me, but your worth it – joking not that your worth it, but in the sense that you are forcing me to be accountable to my goals – well actually you are somehow reader, so I’m not joking, but saying this in a joking tone).

Bitmoji Image
I’m working on trusting me to really finish a creative project, but everyday is a new day, maybe I will?

๐Ÿ› Transformation Week IV ๐Ÿ•ต๏ธโ€โ™€๏ธ

Getting Better But Not Excited About It


Thinking of mind, body and soul, body has always seemed the easiest for me. I don’t why. It obvious allows the rest of life to be easier, but when it’s not going well it doesn’t define me either. Maybe that’s the hidden blessing of being a sickly child? It becomes your standard so that when you return to sickness, you haven’t lost anything and health remains a perpetual surprise. It worked that way for me at least. Sometimes I take for granted my health or fitness, in my youth I saw it as will power, but I don’t think so anymore. Now I think of it as a blessing that it comes so easily with some minor attention to eating well and fitness.

“Think little of thy flesh: blood, bones, and a skin; a pretty piece of knit and twisted work, consisting of nerves, veins and arteries; think no more of it, than so.”

– Marcus Aurelius

I’ve been feeling stressed by too much childcare off and on and I started exercising about 15 days ago to see if it would help. I think it has helped, but not quite how much I wish it would. I was looking into a way to express how the exercise was going since the pictures always seem to look the same if I take pictures. The only thing I came up with so far is measuring mental toughness in when I wanted to quit.

WEEK 1 T25

Day 1 Speed 1.0 I wanted to quit after 20 minutes.
Day 2 Cardio I wanted to quit after 5 minutes.
Day 3 Total Body Circuit I wanted to quit the whole time.
Day 4 Ab Intervals (didn’t feel like quitting).
Day 5 Lower Focus (didn’t feel like quitting).
Day 6 Cardio I wanted to quit after 11 minutes.
Day 7 Stretch (didn’t feel like quitting).

WEEK 2 T25

Day 8 Cardio I wanted to quit the whole time, minor pain.
Day 9 Total Body Circuit I wanted to quit after 19 minutes. Better! Day 10 Speed 1.0 Day 11 Cardio Day 12 Lower Focus Day 13 Ab Intervals Day 14 Stretch

It’s weird looking at the two weeks, a lot of improvement, a lot of pushing past wanting to quit, but also not much satisfaction emotionally. I notice I have more energy, drink less coffee, am a bit more patient, and am stronger, but I guess I’m a bit disappointed that I look the same, I’m a bit disappointed that I’m not much more patient.

Perhaps it speaks to how the brain creates happiness, the brain likes to be surprised, I didn’t get any surprising benefits, I got the benefits I expected and I worked for them so they weren’t so much gifts as earned, which makes it hard for me to be grateful.

Reviewing my post from last week I can tell the physical benefits were more rewarding to me the first week than they were this week, I guess a pretty big energy difference was a big deal the first week and then the second week I was already taking it for granted.

Getting Worse But Not Sure What to Do


I’m getting frustrated being at home, it’s starting to boil over into a hatred of parenting I don’t remember having. I really need to get out to whatever is open, I am confined by multiple factors 1. Partial Closures, 2. Sharing Vehicle (I had a CNG car that broke and no one knew how to fix it, since I was about to have a baby I knew I wouldn’t need one for a bit so still don’t have a car. 3. Primary Parent; I don’t leave my kids unless my husband is home and between work, running and his friends that’s minimal. Perhaps none of the three are bad in isolation, but the combination has slowly become intolerable, if I need to go stand outside the front door from 7-8 PM, it’s almost at that point that I need to get away more than I need to be anywhere I actually enjoy.

I hate how impatient I am with my daughter, I don’t like that it seems like I’m always close to cursing at her. She was eating rice and asking an unwelcome hypothetical question and I told her to shut her mouth and eat. It’s not that I feel like I want to answer all her questions, I don’t, but it’s the way I talked to her over something trivial. I spend so much of the day almost in a rage. If I control myself I go to bed exhausted and if I don’t I go to bed guilty, but in the past week I’ve been less at peace for some reason, I don’t really know why yet.

too busy
I Make This Schedule Though? When Will I Stop Me from Overworking Me?


Looking back on last week I noticed outside things were getting to me, like my husband, distractions, other people, this week I am seeing it’s more internal, but at the same time there is an unease and lack of well being that I haven’t fully sorted out yet. Yeah, I’m tired to parenting the way I do, because I would like my husband to take a larger share, but it’s been that way for the past 5 years, so what exactly is going on this week that’s making me feel less balanced and less able to be patient?

The kind of fitness I care most about is inside you, it’s in your mind it’s in your heart, and both of those are great places to find strength, because you’re in charge there. No body else can tell you what to do, or who you are, or how strong you can be, it’s all up to you. Can you screen out the noise in your life and hear what you need to? Can you push away the people that tell you it can’t be done and decide for yourself what you can achieve? Can you trust yourself to handle the stress of change? Can yo believe in your ability to succeed now, even if you’ve fallen short before?

An Invitation to Transformation Shaun T

Listening to T is for Transformation, looking for something relevant to my general malaise.

It stuck out to me:

The only meaningful obstacles are mental.

– Shaun T

Q. What are you hiding from yourself and others?

A. I don’t know?

I’m messy (not really true)? I’m impatient (yes, but I admit that)? I don’t know what’s important to me? I don’t know what I really want from life, I’m afraid to know, afraid that I will have to wait until the children grow up and that it will be painful to know and wait?

Bitmoji Image
I Keep Wanting to Be Less Impatient, But the Next Day Everything Feels the Same…


๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿพ <What’s important to you?

๐Ÿ‘ฉ<I don’t really know, I just do what seems the best out of what’s possible in a given day.

๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿพ <Who’s important to you?

๐Ÿ‘ฉ<I don’t know, I care deeply about humanity and obviously my family, I don’t know where the line should be or is drawn.

๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿพ <What’s driving you forward?

๐Ÿ‘ฉ<I’m always trying, I don’t think I can ever give up, as much as some people struggle to try I struggle to take breaks or stop, unfortunately my leadership of where I should go is weaker than my ability to “just keep going.”

๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿพ< Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

๐Ÿ‘ฉ<Okay I’m there, uncomfortable…

๐Ÿ“– The 7 Superpowers Notes:

  1. Be Uncomfortable (Okay)
  2. Full Out – Enthusiasm – Excitement
  3. Creative
  4. Flexible
  5. Selfish (Possible Problem)
  6. Feeling It – Identify and Feel Passion
  7. Bananas
10 points for self awareness
Yay, I did my homework!

Thinking more about it:

What’s important to you? Pushing myself to try new things like writing and drawing comics. At least trying to find out who I am.

Who’s important to you? Educating my kids, but also having something else to do. [Should be me and my husband, but we aren’t there.]

What’s driving you forward? Curiosity wanting to find out what happens next. Knowing I don’t know what will happen. Simple pleasures, coffee, cookies, smiles, the small things.


Is there a gap between what people say should be important to you and what is actually important to you to?