๐Ÿฆ– Tech Talk Thursday ๐Ÿ’ป III

TECH TALK THURSDAY (ON FRIDAY)

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If I do this late, I continue my momentum in my own mind.

For me, late is better than never.

I’m writing this on a Friday, one day late is better than never, I guess I could release it next Thursday, but that’s not quite my process as of now.

For me, something is better than nothing.

My daughter interrupted me to give more money to orphans in Ethiopia, that’s so cute. She used to use her money for candy at the mall, but now with no mall she prefers to help the orphans, it’s so cute. She loves them, I do to… it’s weird but I hope she never looses that. I never have. I haven’t done a ton of donating in my life, but I never lost the love for our distant cousins, especially those who don’t have any parents, that’s got to be hard (or wonderful depending on how messed up your parents are).

1. TECH CAN SAVE THE WORLD

My daughter gave $2, I think thinking what you have isn’t enough is what stops you from doing what you can towards what you want to in general. Give here if you like helping orphans or start your own fun-raising journey.
The Value of Employee Recognition | Reward Gateway
One difference between something and nothing, is that something ripples.

โ€œWhen you drop a pebble into a pond, ripples spread out, changing all the water in the pool. The ripples hit the shore and rebound, bumping into one another, breaking each other apart. In some small way, the pond is never the same again.โ€ 

Neal Shusterman

Back to my ego!

2. TECH CAN EDUCATE YOU

So, if you remember correctly reader, just a few weeks ago I was a not able to code, no coding, not a coder…

A FEW WEEKS AGO

petting mr. unicorn
I don’t know any coding it seems intimidating, but most the jobs I want to get require it.

NOW

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Yeah, that’s me, coding fundamentals graduate!

Today I have a tiny glimmer of coding ability, a free certificate, but also an addiction to practicing and a passion. I’m surprised I can enter a flow state so easily and it really is a welcome stress relief to be able to flow without needing to buy yarn and open an Etsy yarn goods store (my sister’s store ๐Ÿช for anyone looking specifically for an Omamori protection charm).

3. TECH CAN HELP YOU FIND YOUR OWN HAPPINESS

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After a day of parenting I feel like this: Should I go on living? Really?
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After doing a short daily practice of computer coding I feel like this: (wordlessly empowered)

In the past I would be eager to forget what I liked and instead do the tasks that would help lead to my husband’s best life or my daughter’s best life, but something about my son being born changed that, somehow he inspires me to do my own thing. Perhaps along side my responsibilities, but I’ve never felt like it was okay to accept my passions where they really are before.

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He says “live your best life!” with his eyes, and I can’t help but follow, how magical.

In my last Tech Talk Thursday I discussed how I use and misuse social media and technology in general to communicate with others, however today I’m focusing on how to use technology to communicate with myself/yourself (the self).

I’ve been watching more history lately, writing was invented in the Middle East (probably) a long time ago with little triangles on clay tablets and since then it basically can give you a brain outside your brain. I’ve always been a carefree, but also careless and forgetful soul… so turning to notes to keep track of my good intentions so they “ever happen” is a good thing for me.

It takes a lot of digital brains to help my care free brain keep track of modern life, but since modern life is what makes me overwhelmed it’s fitting to use modern life to counter it.

4. TECH CAN REMEMBER FOR YOU

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING TODAY ME?

I use Coach.Me (Free) to keep track of habit change post reading Power of Habit.

WHAT IS GOING ON THIS WEEK OR IMPORTANT TO DOS? WHAT ARE MY VALUES AND PRIORITIES IN LIFE?

I use Habitca (Free) with my family to encourage good habits in a child friendly way, also it stores 1 time to dos better than Coach.Me it’s my 7 Habits of Highly Effective People command central and my weekly planner and my Hands Free Life: 9 Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, and Loving More command central.
Google Keep, you complete me, I can remember writing ideas, school lesson plans, my daily schedule, doctor appointments, family rules ext now.

5. TECH CAN BE A TOOL TO CREATE PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE

Tech can be your servant, or it can be your master if you don’t keep your eye on it’s beady little computer eyes… but when you control your tech usage it can help you ascribe meaning and purpose to everyday (which are choices). I don’t think Tech will ever be able to creature purpose for you (maybe) but you can use it as any other tool and sculpt your own with it.

The Blue Zones 9 Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest describes Ikagai as a reason to get out of bed each day, mine is the simple website I have fun doing rather than taking care of the family I love, it took me a long time to own that, but that’s how it is.

6. TECH CAN HELP YOU DISCOVER YOUR IDENTITY

After becoming a mother I felt lost, but somehow making my website taught me who I was (ever changing as it is, it does feel grounding to know).

7. TECH CAN HELP YOU BE PRESENT

It is possible to get lost with tech, but with the intention of being present there are lots of ways to use it for presence instead, like ACT meditation on Youtube, or simply checking in with your current beliefs and throwing out old ones on a Pinterest Board. The idea of SIFT examining sensations, images, feelings and thoughts can be made easier on Pinterest.

You must be the captain of your own soul… or your soul will drift to Facebook and Youtube again and again for hours.

8. TECH CAN HELP YOU EXPLORE THE WORLD (OF YOURSELF)

In a blog about me exploring my own mind, this is the first article that directly mentions that possibility. Just as you can write down dreams and explore what that says about you, you can also write private morning pages online or write a public blog online for the same purpose. To anyone who has ever felt like they accidentally lost “themselves” somewhere along the way, I would highly recommend it. It’s not just for travelers, professionals or egotistical douche-bags, it’s really there for everyone with a mind to explore don’t let those haters stop you.

Most of what I know about me, I found out here. It was my lost and found of my soul.
Free with WordPress.com.

This is where this topic exists in my mind, technical talks (like Tech Talk Thursday) belong in the library (which is the blibary) and they get filled after Wednesday. I love libraries and I have one in my mind where certain events hypothetically take place. Some of my favorite libraries are Garden Grove, China Town, Honolulu, Huntington Beach, Aliso Viejo, Irvine, Hilo, not favorite Chicago (too big), Cypress (too small), Santa Ana (too much security escorting homeless people out). It’s not about how fancy libraries are (I’m talking to you Cerritos) it’s about the books being updated, the librarians being helpful (or at least not hateful), and the reading ambiance being cozy.

This article will be filed under the blibary since I just figured out how to do that.
(customize – menu – main > add post > drag it around)

9. TECH CAN GIVE YOU A BREAK

My children were watching Fun Fun Elmo, which teachers Mandarin in a fun and easy way (for anyone really, our dentist is planning to use it) while I was writing this. Long ago I didn’t take advantage of tech to watch my kids… and looking back I regret it. Because I was worried about not knowing if tech was good or bad for young children and it was advised not to allow it under the age of 2, so I didn’t, then when my child turned 3 I forgot that I’m pro tech and I didn’t take advantage of being mindful of how I could use tech to help my kids so I just stayed away completely for no reason. I know most parents are already aware of this, but I wasn’t aware it was okay to use tech to teach lessons you were going to teach anyways such as numbers, multiplication, language. There were studies done on ASL taught with Tech that proved “videos” can help babies learn without damaging them in any way.

Chinese used to be hard to learn, until it got “fun fun” with Elmo.

10. TECH CATALYSES CHANGE

A memo tech can bring people together. A memo tech can be a call to arms, a manifesto, a poem.โ€

A memo tech can change the world.

– Me Bastardizing Boss Baby

Online is a place that you can learn, share ideas, state goals, be accountable to others or accountable to yourself in an easier way:

Activation Energy & Change. We all, to some extent, have an idea ...

We all have limited energy, so taking less energy to be better people, to find how we want to change, how we can, possible solutions to problems we have that others share, actually means all of us embracing tech have the capacity to be better people than we would by rejecting tech. It does matter that we keep focused on being the master not the slave, but that is possible and with practice it eventually becomes easy. Setting boundaries with technology is as important as with anything else, and is as difficult as with anything else, but I’ve come out that side and there isn’t something especially different about me that it wouldn’t be possible for most others who were interested to follow.

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I’m a baby in this digital world, but I’m drinking in some Java.

EARTH IS INCREASINGLY A DIGITAL WORLD

I guess this is me publicly stating that I’m done being a dinosaur and ready to be open minded to the digital world including my music being transferred from Google Play Music to You Tube Music, which I was very resentful about at first… maybe I’ll like the change?

๐Ÿ” (A chicken is a modern dinosaur, they survived).

๐Ÿ”ฎ Word of Wordcraft ๐Ÿ“œ III

Today I have my writing goal of beginning to start comics soon, as I continue to seek who I am and what my message to the world is:

Woke up about 6 AM today, feeling behind all day, still getting up about 4 times each night to feed my son, who I love. I don’t really resent that, but when I did wake up my husband was home, instead of running, and we had about 3 unpleasant arguments, and I’m having a bit of trouble trying to clear my head from that and restart my day mentally.

To sum up the arguments 1. We don’t agree about meal planning. 2. We don’t agree about what food is appropriate for children. 3. We don’t agree about budgeting. 4. We don’t agree about values.

After we calm down, unfortunately we still don’t agree, as with most of our marriage the best we do is agree to disagree, and we live in calm and peace, but lacking solidarity, lacking mutual respect and lacking genuine affection. There is a real pain to that when the dream of living with camaraderie becomes glaringly failed. But remembering failure is part of success, maybe it’s a necessary feeling to notice where we have gotten to in our marriage.

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I started reading a book that describes seasons of marriage, though it is the heat of summer now where we live, our marriage is in a winter, we don’t respect one another much, I can see that, though I don’t yet have a solution for it. But even starting that book and not finishing it gave me a perspective that maybe it’s okay to be at a low spot, maybe marriage is a cycle of highs and low and expecting it to be a cycle of highs and lows has helped me embrace my own reality, unideal as it is. We are two parents who were newly married, we had a high needs child, it drained us, we made a lot of mistakes and a lot of sacrifices, we had a second child, it drained us, but somehow it boosted our morale as well, brought balance to our family, so here we are, we still have the classes of culture and personality we always had, but with a lot less time and energy to even attempt to fix things. Things are about as good as they could be expected to be with no maintenance and no attention to fixing lingering problems, not that good.

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It’s only raining in my heart.

Another thing that doesn’t help is wanting to give the kids a cheery life leads to repressing problems even more than normal, which was already really repressed for us.

I don’t really want my personal problems to follow me to my individual self, but they always do don’t they? That’s why fixing personal problems is a key to success from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, to shift to a relationship focused life intentionally rather than be slowed down by the inevitable problems that meaningful relationships come with.

dear dairy
Writing is a sanctuary, you can show up clean and beautiful or dirty and torn, it takes you in no matter what.

Even feeling sad is a bit of a blessing, for many years I repressed my sadness and felt mostly empty, without sadness, happiness diminishes as well… Rumi wrote a poem about embracing any feeling, sadness, anger ext:

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

– Jellaludin Rumi

I first saw it as a children’s cartoon and expected my daughter to learn it, but I’ve only now been able to really learn it, so if it takes her longer that’s fine isn’t it?

Go Zen Emotional Acceptance for Kids

Writing can be a meditation of sorts, a way to sort what you can control and what you can’t or won’t take on, a boundary setting exercise.

Writing can be a way to make sense of this crazy world.

Writing can be so many things…

– Last WWC Post

Something here sparks truth and joy for me, it sparkles like a diamond hidden in the sand catching the sun, trying to lead me to an unseen path of purpose and meaning (or so I imagine… is it a mirage?).

I don’t even know what a good mom would be like.

– Last WWC Post

In a reply to a comment, I’ve figured it out what is is to me:

“Iโ€™m not a super mom to me, because I donโ€™t care about the little things my children do, when a butterfly brings them joy or when they are proud they saved a bee, or when they wash their hands and ask โ€œmom, arenโ€™t you proud?โ€ and I say โ€œno, Iโ€™m not going to lie, no. I am often proud of you, but not for doing normal things that you already know how to doโ€ฆโ€ To me, a super mom would always be on the kidโ€™s side, would be someone who would remember to create a safe place to talk with no shame and judgment. Iโ€™m healthy, I grew up athletic so I have a decent amount of stamina, itโ€™s easier for me to do a lot of activities than it is to just be still and present and answer kidโ€™s questions with kindness and patience like I would want to do. I want to care about what my kids care about, but I just donโ€™t have that much โ€œcare about things staminaโ€ to match their enthusiasm. Anywaysโ€ฆ sincerely, thank you for the advice, itโ€™s very good advice for me to enjoy life and take baby steps, I want to post it somewhere in my house. Baby steps. Which are actually the hardest steps, babies canโ€™t walk. Itโ€™s crazy difficult for babies to handle the gravity, they fall down a lot. I never thought about it, but asking someone to take baby steps is challenging them to do something very hard to live up to their natural potential. “

To Me, A Super Parent Would:

  1. Care about the little things.

2. Always be on the kidโ€™s side.

3. Remember to create a safe place to talk.

4. Answer kidโ€™s questions with kindness and patience.

5. Care about what my kids care about.

I don’t know if those things are possible for me, I don’t know if they are an unrealistic lack of boundaries, I don’t know if I want to be those things or commit to trying to, I don’t even know that I would want to be a super parent. But at least I know what one would be like now, I’ve formed a mental idea of what a good parent would be like, perhaps knowing is half the battle? ๐Ÿช–

TWO WEEKS AGO

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I often hate parenting! I’m starting to be okay with that, it’s difficult, but I’m starting to “be myself”…

THIS WEEK

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Getting more and more at peace with myself. Starting to see how I can make the best of family life without hating myself for not being a mom who loves mom stuff.
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I’m doing it, no one is stopping me… is it good? I don’t know, I’m just trying it out.

There may be a hard road ahead, but it’s harder to walk with my eyes closed than with my eyes open.

As far as the comics, I’m waiting for a drawing tablet, starting to mentally brace myself for the learning process and thinking of what to start with, I think it will be the letters to myself I wrote in an homage to Allie Brosh’s Hyperbole and a Half. This is a public commitment to either make a different goal or work on the letters to myself comic on or before next Wednesday (that’s a lot of commitment for me, but your worth it – joking not that your worth it, but in the sense that you are forcing me to be accountable to my goals – well actually you are somehow reader, so I’m not joking, but saying this in a joking tone).

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I’m working on trusting me to really finish a creative project, but everyday is a new day, maybe I will?

๐Ÿ› Transformation Week IV ๐Ÿ•ต๏ธโ€โ™€๏ธ

Getting Better But Not Excited About It

PHYSICAL TRANSFORMATION

Thinking of mind, body and soul, body has always seemed the easiest for me. I don’t why. It obvious allows the rest of life to be easier, but when it’s not going well it doesn’t define me either. Maybe that’s the hidden blessing of being a sickly child? It becomes your standard so that when you return to sickness, you haven’t lost anything and health remains a perpetual surprise. It worked that way for me at least. Sometimes I take for granted my health or fitness, in my youth I saw it as will power, but I don’t think so anymore. Now I think of it as a blessing that it comes so easily with some minor attention to eating well and fitness.

“Think little of thy flesh: blood, bones, and a skin; a pretty piece of knit and twisted work, consisting of nerves, veins and arteries; think no more of it, than so.”

– Marcus Aurelius

I’ve been feeling stressed by too much childcare off and on and I started exercising about 15 days ago to see if it would help. I think it has helped, but not quite how much I wish it would. I was looking into a way to express how the exercise was going since the pictures always seem to look the same if I take pictures. The only thing I came up with so far is measuring mental toughness in when I wanted to quit.

WEEK 1 T25

Day 1 Speed 1.0 I wanted to quit after 20 minutes.
Day 2 Cardio I wanted to quit after 5 minutes.
Day 3 Total Body Circuit I wanted to quit the whole time.
Day 4 Ab Intervals (didn’t feel like quitting).
Day 5 Lower Focus (didn’t feel like quitting).
Day 6 Cardio I wanted to quit after 11 minutes.
Day 7 Stretch (didn’t feel like quitting).


WEEK 2 T25

Day 8 Cardio I wanted to quit the whole time, minor pain.
1 DAY OFF
Day 9 Total Body Circuit I wanted to quit after 19 minutes. Better! Day 10 Speed 1.0 Day 11 Cardio Day 12 Lower Focus Day 13 Ab Intervals Day 14 Stretch

It’s weird looking at the two weeks, a lot of improvement, a lot of pushing past wanting to quit, but also not much satisfaction emotionally. I notice I have more energy, drink less coffee, am a bit more patient, and am stronger, but I guess I’m a bit disappointed that I look the same, I’m a bit disappointed that I’m not much more patient.

Perhaps it speaks to how the brain creates happiness, the brain likes to be surprised, I didn’t get any surprising benefits, I got the benefits I expected and I worked for them so they weren’t so much gifts as earned, which makes it hard for me to be grateful.

Reviewing my post from last week I can tell the physical benefits were more rewarding to me the first week than they were this week, I guess a pretty big energy difference was a big deal the first week and then the second week I was already taking it for granted.

Getting Worse But Not Sure What to Do

MENTAL TRANSFORMATION

I’m getting frustrated being at home, it’s starting to boil over into a hatred of parenting I don’t remember having. I really need to get out to whatever is open, I am confined by multiple factors 1. Partial Closures, 2. Sharing Vehicle (I had a CNG car that broke and no one knew how to fix it, since I was about to have a baby I knew I wouldn’t need one for a bit so still don’t have a car. 3. Primary Parent; I don’t leave my kids unless my husband is home and between work, running and his friends that’s minimal. Perhaps none of the three are bad in isolation, but the combination has slowly become intolerable, if I need to go stand outside the front door from 7-8 PM, it’s almost at that point that I need to get away more than I need to be anywhere I actually enjoy.

I hate how impatient I am with my daughter, I don’t like that it seems like I’m always close to cursing at her. She was eating rice and asking an unwelcome hypothetical question and I told her to shut her mouth and eat. It’s not that I feel like I want to answer all her questions, I don’t, but it’s the way I talked to her over something trivial. I spend so much of the day almost in a rage. If I control myself I go to bed exhausted and if I don’t I go to bed guilty, but in the past week I’ve been less at peace for some reason, I don’t really know why yet.

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I Make This Schedule Though? When Will I Stop Me from Overworking Me?

SOUL TRANSFORMATION

Looking back on last week I noticed outside things were getting to me, like my husband, distractions, other people, this week I am seeing it’s more internal, but at the same time there is an unease and lack of well being that I haven’t fully sorted out yet. Yeah, I’m tired to parenting the way I do, because I would like my husband to take a larger share, but it’s been that way for the past 5 years, so what exactly is going on this week that’s making me feel less balanced and less able to be patient?

The kind of fitness I care most about is inside you, it’s in your mind it’s in your heart, and both of those are great places to find strength, because you’re in charge there. No body else can tell you what to do, or who you are, or how strong you can be, it’s all up to you. Can you screen out the noise in your life and hear what you need to? Can you push away the people that tell you it can’t be done and decide for yourself what you can achieve? Can you trust yourself to handle the stress of change? Can yo believe in your ability to succeed now, even if you’ve fallen short before?

An Invitation to Transformation Shaun T

Listening to T is for Transformation, looking for something relevant to my general malaise.

It stuck out to me:

The only meaningful obstacles are mental.

– Shaun T

Q. What are you hiding from yourself and others?

A. I don’t know?

I’m messy (not really true)? I’m impatient (yes, but I admit that)? I don’t know what’s important to me? I don’t know what I really want from life, I’m afraid to know, afraid that I will have to wait until the children grow up and that it will be painful to know and wait?

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I Keep Wanting to Be Less Impatient, But the Next Day Everything Feels the Same…

PERSONAL CORE

๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿพ <What’s important to you?

๐Ÿ‘ฉ<I don’t really know, I just do what seems the best out of what’s possible in a given day.

๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿพ <Who’s important to you?

๐Ÿ‘ฉ<I don’t know, I care deeply about humanity and obviously my family, I don’t know where the line should be or is drawn.

๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿพ <What’s driving you forward?

๐Ÿ‘ฉ<I’m always trying, I don’t think I can ever give up, as much as some people struggle to try I struggle to take breaks or stop, unfortunately my leadership of where I should go is weaker than my ability to “just keep going.”

๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿพ< Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

๐Ÿ‘ฉ<Okay I’m there, uncomfortable…

๐Ÿ“– The 7 Superpowers Notes:

  1. Be Uncomfortable (Okay)
  2. Full Out – Enthusiasm – Excitement
  3. Creative
  4. Flexible
  5. Selfish (Possible Problem)
  6. Feeling It – Identify and Feel Passion
  7. Bananas
10 points for self awareness
Yay, I did my homework!

Thinking more about it:

What’s important to you? Pushing myself to try new things like writing and drawing comics. At least trying to find out who I am.

Who’s important to you? Educating my kids, but also having something else to do. [Should be me and my husband, but we aren’t there.]

What’s driving you forward? Curiosity wanting to find out what happens next. Knowing I don’t know what will happen. Simple pleasures, coffee, cookies, smiles, the small things.

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Is there a gap between what people say should be important to you and what is actually important to you to?

๐Ÿ’ Mindfulness Monday IV ๐Ÿ’ป

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I don’t like DIY, I like Amazon or Etsy. I don’t like a glue gun, I like Amazon or Etsy.

ME AND MY PINTERESTS

Pinterest hasn’t hooked me, I’ve been using it for years, but it just doesn’t “get me.” Which is interesting because Instagram “gets me.” Pinterest shows me pictures I don’t care about, adds targeted for someone completely different and quotes I care less about.

Pinterest just isn’t that pinteresting to me.

I’ve been thinking about using it as a digital corkboard for a long time, but never really have yet after years of intending to do so.

LATER THAT DAY

I spent the morning reorganizing my Pinterest boards, I saved my boards as a bookmark so I don’t even need to see the suggestions that for some reason are really off base in my feed. I archived “Spring,” “Fall” and “Winter” (some of my favorite boards) so I could be present with the “Summer” season board (trying to find what I like about summer still, right now it’s a board with just one picture of watermelon), I made a “Past Travel” and “Future Travel” section, the past travel really got to me (I was surprised at how much freedom my life has had and sharing it with my dad, sister and aunt, was somehow really touching, though I don’t know if they will even take the time to look, I’m opening my life to them at least).

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Buying less allowed me to purchase this monocle.

I really liked organizing my Pinterest into a minimalist kind of lay out, it tells me about what’s generally on my mind, writing, family, the beauty of the past, the current season of life and my inner citadel of mental health and stoic philosophy. I didn’t see it was a waste of time to organize my digital space on my decluttering day, it seemed to help me do the first step of the Kon Mari process, ie imagine my preferred life style and visualize it.

Archiving was a cool feature I didn’t know about, it makes me feel like I can focus on the present more and maybe actually use Pinterest as a vision board like I intended to for a long time.

KON MARI CATEGORY 4 – EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD

chilling in a cooler
Sorting ๅฐ็‰ฉ Komono = Small Article or Misc Items

I’ve always felt really intimidated by category 4, 1 was clothes (okay), 2 was books (oh no… my precious), 3 was papers (ugg… but I should organize them to be an adult anyways), 4 is everything except clothes, books, papers and mementos and 5 is mementos… so 4 is… pretty much everything in the world.

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Feel like category 4 is too broad, there is a book for that:
One of my favorite books as a child, but not my favorite category to declutter.

EVERYTHING IS TOO OVERWHELMING!

So after going through my Pinterest boards, I wandered around wondering where to even begin, which is what brought me into the world of blogging originally, years ago in 2015. I stumbled on my favorite visual and artistic style of blog: Ju Ju Sprinkles in an effort to figure out the “komono” category without going crazy.

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Yeah, I used to eat sandwiches… sometimes.

JU JU SPRINKLES HAS THE LOVELIEST CATEGORY BREAK DOWNS:

10 Illustrations That Perfectly Sum Up The KonMari Method โ€“ Part 2 ...
Check Out Her Illustrations on Her Kon Mari Summary Article!
Konmari Category 4.1 Office Llivingroom copy
This is Unofficially Where I Am Now

UNOFFICIAL YET SYNERGISTIC

Marie Kondo doesn’t officially break down Komono, but Ju Ju Sprinkles break down feels very synergistic with the Tidying Up Book.

The book for people who have stuff to redefine your relationship with that stuff and re-engineer your life like a boss instead of a item slave.
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I’m not going to be decluttering every Monday, one day it will be done.

I’M GOING TO MAKE IT THIS TIME

I’ve always been boggled by this “your whole home” category, but this is the best position I’ve been in to get through it. Since it’s the pandemic, I don’t have visits nor visitors distracting me much, plus we only have 2 bedrooms, a small living room/school room, a small bathroom and a shared kitchen, so pretty much 1 room left. I do have two kids, but we just moved my son to a bed and swapped out my daughters old bed, so we happened to go through a lot of toys, clothes and books as we transition the kids from baby and toddler into toddler and child emotionally in our household.

So, for the first time since I started this Kon Mari journey, it seems doable to really finish it “all the way”.

Since doing clothes, books and papers over the past few weeks I have noticed stray books and papers kind of show up here and there, but not too badly.

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Where are you clutter?

I notice that I have clutter in a big red bag, a small shoe box on the table, and perhaps have too many notebooks. We also have a shoe closet with a cluttered tool bag and a hall closet with some formal clothes and luggage. That’s the clutter left in our life. Much less than a car’s worth now… it still feels kind of daunting though since it seems like thousands of small items like needles, stickers ext that got put away so my son won’t eat them.

It’s been such a long journey from a child of a hoarder to a minimalist to perhaps done with the Kon Mari method soon, maybe when it’s all done I’ll write a book about it. If it sparks joy.

dear dairy
The stoic quotes help me get through everyday life.

Looking at the stoic quote for this week I tried to turn it to my current problems (which is what I do with all the stoic quotes):

โ€œIf one oversteps the bounds of moderation, the greatest pleasures cease to please.โ€

– Epictetus

This matches where I am in life so well it seems like providence or synchronicity or affinity…

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I say clean it up or I’ll throw it away, but then I really do it.

I THROW AWAY TOYS LIKE A MONSTER

When we got rid of toys today, it wasn’t that any of the toys or books were broken or bad, it was just that they didn’t please us, that having more than we need didn’t make the kids happier, nor did it help them learn to clean what they had, nor did it inspire them to play outside, find something to do like learn to swim, or be kind to other kids so they could find fun in playing with people rather than things, getting rid of extra toys has really done all of those things, it honestly has.

At first I thought it was wrong to make my children minimalists if they weren’t, but I’ve found that they are.

We all like living as if we are on vacation, sure we have some toys and enjoy them, but I think we have 1/6 as much as our family friends at this point and I think this is the happiest we have been. From 6-7 PM my son and daughter threw a beach ball back and forth. We needed the absence of other toys to have the space to do that. My husband plays with my daughter from 7-8 PM when we had a ton of toys he felt like he shouldn’t have to do that. Perhaps I felt that way too? I play with my daughter from 2-3 PM and that’s what she loves, pretending, cutting foam, being with me, not playing with expensive toys by herself… her favorite toys tend to cost $1, but we fell into the trap of buying name brand Legos ext and thinking if she owned X amount of toys we didn’t have an obligation to play with her, and we don’t have an obligation, but it is the best toy, we are her favorite way to play.

WHY?

dream big
What about a home with no junk we don’t need, were there is empty space to invite new things into?

โ€œWe choose to go to the moon “Kon Mari our house”. We choose to go to the moon Kon Mari point in this decade “pandemic ” and do the other things (accomplishments and aspirations), not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win.โ€

– Me Bastardizing, but not Plagiarizing, Kennedy (Real Speech Here)

WHAT’S LEFT

Bitmoji Image
Almost there…

Ju Ju Sprinkles 4.1 are: Envelopes, credit cards, binders, folders, calendars, paper clips, labels, erasers, stickers, shredders, video games, spare cords, remote controls, notepads, reward cards, hole punchers, staplers, tape/glues, pens/markers, craft supplies, cds/dvds, wrapping paper, spare chargers, phone accessories, board games.

We have one box on envelopes for bills, a box of poorly organized credit cards, a binder for my husband, folders which have the papers I organized already (but spit into two locations), a few calendar planners (my daughter has one, I have one, my husband has one), no paper clips, no labels, my daughter has an eraser in a box, I have a mess of stickers, we have no shredder, our video games are in one place, we have a few spare cords sneaking in, remotes for what we have, perhaps too many notepads, reward cards in a box, no hole punchers, no staplers, tape in a box, a mess of glues in the tool bag, some stray pens, a craft box of supplies, my husband’s cds (out of my hands), no wrapping paper, some spare chargers, no phone accessories, one and a half board games…

Going into the evening I’m not going to be able to finish this tonight, not a surprise, but a little demotivating compared to the first three categories where I was able to do them in one day.

Bitmoji Image
This is going to take more time.

WHAT WILL THE FUTURE HOLD?

I see that I have like items in scattered locations, I hope to put all the school papers in one area (the school) and all the adult papers (birth certificates) in another (the closet) instead of having them in 4 places as they are now. I hope to make better use of the hall closet to store the things my son shouldn’t get into rather than our small living space. I will attack my obvious clutter, like the red duffel bag, small shoe box on the table and suspicious extra notebooks.

IF IT’S NOT MINE, IT’S NOT MY BUSINESS

I always leave my husband’s stuff completely alone, even ripped clothing, because to get rid of his stuff 1. Is wrong. 2. Is anti Kon Mari. 3. Would breed distrust, but 4. Would cripple his own ability to process items. Luckily he has a small volume, so as shabby as something may seem, knowing it is not taking up much room helps me respect his items in the way I would want him to respect mine.

Komono I let go of today:

  1. Incomplete set of drawing markers son ate most of.
  2. Extra pens for white board (kept black and blue only).
  3. Extra pencils, let daughter keep two (we mostly use pen or digital).
  4. Hair bow, it was cute, my daughter didn’t want it.
  5. Daniel Tiger toys, we used to treasure them “used to.”
  6. Addition math blocks, we moved past that concept fast.
  7. More books my kids had wanted but were now ready to let go of.
  8. A page of notes from a dream.
  9. Beloved feeling toys that are now obsolete because we use the mood meter app, which is actually a lot better.
  10. Piggy banks, the kids actually both have stocks now instead, money can make money everyone else works here, why not our money?

Kept: Duplo blocks (Legos are gone, dog ate them), magnets toys, crafting stuff like beads, foam sheets, scissors, clay actually in a crafting box though (what?), some books, ABC blocks that are soft (my son loves to throw so we let go of the wood blocks and food), pens we use (that have erasers).

Usually I just shoot for discarding 5 things, but with a family I find 10 is similar to what 5 is for an individual.

My daughter was ready to let go of much more than 10 things anyways today, which makes me feel like we will really be done soon. Which is good, I get bitter when I do the decluttering on Mondays, I feel like it takes too long on one hand, but on the other hand I want it done.

THE FUTURE

What I have left are the red catch all bag, a shoe box of really small things and electronic strays, plus the house tools and stickers. Short term I’m imagining that gone, medium term I’m imagining a really well organized home, my husband bringing me sunflowers to celebrate what a wonderful job I did (could happen, Trader Joe’s always sells them cheap in the summer), long term I would love to have the feeling of a cafe in my own home, when the kids are mostly grown one or two toys on a high shelf to remember them or if they are with me still, to remember this time, which right now I’m in, but someday I will look back on with longing, wanting to be with the kids who are driving me insane on a daily basis, as soon as I forget how much they were actually driving me insane on a regular basis. My son threw his entire lunch at me today, my daughter hit me twice, and was loud and whinny as she typically is.

Clientmoji
Even though I know I will miss it, even though it was a pretty good day, it was still too loud for me. I can do it, I can do my best at it, but I can’t not hate it today.

THE PAST

The first step in the Kon Mari process is imagining an ideal life, then examining ๐Ÿ‘’ clothes, ๐Ÿ“š books, ๐Ÿ“ƒ papers, ๐Ÿ’ป everything else and ๐Ÿ’Ž mementos. It’s an interesting process, I’ve done it a few times an it’s always surprising how much I have that I’m unaware I have and how much lighter I feel when the clutter leaves my life. This time around I noticed Pinterest helped me in imagining my ideal life in a relatively easy way. I had also been inspired by a post by Eunice Faye about daring to dream and another (same author) about taking respite from everyday life to enjoy the beauty around us. I kind of cheated by not setting my intention in the beginning, but if your not cheating are you trying hard enough? ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

๐ŸŽท It Was All a Dream ๐ŸŒฎ

persistence of memory
How many people who have seen this Dali painting never noticed the penis coming out of the nose? I didn’t! It was always there though.

Woke up at 6:30 couldn’t get the saxophone song out of my mind from the dream.

Bitmoji Image
Doo do do do doo.

CARELESS WHISPER DREAM

I had taken a bath with my dad in a very small home (or hotel room, which I guess can be a home ) with an inner courtyard with a calico? [Yes it was Calico, interested in the science of an imaginary cat’s imaginary colors? Find out more!] brown, white, and orange spotted cat, my sister my daughter and my son started playing music on a video game, kind of like the Just Dance game, but with musical characters instead dancers, one had a portable keyboard like the one the band Cafe Tacuba uses, not sure about the others, done washing my hair, I was watching my kids and sister dance.

Clientmoji
Not Tortoise Shell

Then we all went out to eat, at a food court, I ate at “the last Del Taco in the world,” which had a restaurant setting. I was confused about eating there because there were nice restaurants and I don’t like Del Taco (my husband does, but I don’t). My family specifically brought me there excitedly because they were under the impression I really like Del Taco and it would be such a treat to eat at the last one before they were all gone forever.

Clientmoji
Can’t I fantasize something better? What about bison at road house? Or at least Taco Bell?

I remember something about pastries, but I can’t place it know, there was a large raspberry danish in the rectangle form. Perhaps we had them at the hotel/house?

They took my order at the restaurant, but it was only a drink and an appetizer, I wanted more to eat, but they didn’t give me a chance to order other than a drink and appetizer. The waiter was in a full black suit with a tail, and white ruffled shirt as if it was a very fancy restaurant. Kind of like El Torito, but a little fancier, large wood plank tables, little ceramic pot accents, stemmed crystal glassware.

Careless Whisper was playing very loudly at the restaurant.

I was waiting by myself because the rest of my family was eating somewhere else, other than the last Del Taco in the world, which actually, I didn’t want to eat at, but after they dropped me off because they thought I did, I didn’t say anything about it…

thanks
For incorrectly thinking I love Del Taco.

END DREAM STILL WAITING FOR FOOD

After I woke up I couldn’t get the song out of my head, though I didn’t’ know what it was.

“I should have known better than to dance with you, waste the chance that I’ve been given, I know you’re not a friend. Doo doo doo doo doo doo.”

Specifically the saxophone, just would not stop playing in my head, so I looked up the song to see what song it was to see if that would make it stop (it did).

After I placed the song (typed saxophone songs and I should have known better than to dance with you into Google) I typed the dream out. Some dreams get stuck in my head and I’ll analyze those, others I forget and don’t worry about. This was the first dream to get stuck in my head in a very long time.

Since the song haunted me more than any of the events of the dream (sharing a bath tub with my dad wasn’t at all weird during the dream) I decided to look into the song a bit in case the message of the dream was in the song. I don’t know if dreams carry a message from God, my guardian angels, my own psyche or none of the above, but either way it’s a hobby of mine interpreting dreams that helped me out of having night terrors for years.

This song came out the same year I was born, but I’ve always liked 80s music, so it’s come on and off throughout my entire life in the background. It’s not my favorite, but the saxophone is particularly hard to get out of your mind.

ENTER CARELESS WHISPERS

Bitmoji Image
It took 11 Saxophone Players to Get the Sound Right – Do doo doo doo do.

[Intro]
Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind
There’s no comfort in the truth, pain is all that you’ll find
Should have known better, yeah

[Instrumental]

[Verse 1]
I feel so unsure
As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor
As the music dies, something in your eyes
Calls to mind a silver screen and all its sad goodbyes

[Chorus]
I’m never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it’s easy to pretend, I know you’re not a fool
I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste a chance that I’d been given
So I’m never gonna dance again the way I danced with you

[Verse 2]
Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind
There’s no comfort in the truth, pain is all that you’ll find

[Chorus]
I’m never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it’s easy to pretend, I know you’re not a fool
I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste a chance that I’d been given
So I’m never gonna dance again the way I danced with you

[Post-Chorus]
Never without your love

[Bridge]
Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose this crowd
Maybe it’s better this way
We’d hurt each other with the things we want to say
We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever
But now who’s gonna dance with me?
Please stay

[Chorus]
And I’m never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it’s easy to pretend, I know you’re not a fool
I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste a chance that I’d been given
So I’m never gonna dance again the way I danced with you

Outro]
Now that you’re gone, now that you’re gone
Now that you’re gone, was what I did so wrong, so wrong
That you had to leave me alone?

“Careless Whisper” – Wham

DEEPER INTO THE CARELESS WHISPERS RABBIT HOLE

Looking up the meaning it was based on a situation that never happened, and the combination of two relationships and a hypothetical heart break that didn’t occur. The writer was dating two girls at a young age and he was imagining if one found out about the other and ended the relationship, and he found out she found out while they were dancing (which they often did) what would that be like? In real life the writer actually started dating a third girl and the second left. Musicians are very classy gentlemen right?

The song writer, George, wasn’t a huge fan of the song, in 1991 he said:

It “was not an integral part of my emotional development…it disappoints me that you can write a lyric very flippantly – and not a particularly good lyric – and it can mean so much to so many people. That’s disillusioning for a writer.”

In 2009:

“I’m still a bit puzzled why it’s made such an impression on people… Is it because so many people have cheated on their partners? Is that why they connect with it?

“I have no idea, but it’s ironic that this song – which has come to define me in some way – should have been written right at the beginning of my career when I was still so young. I was only 17 and didn’t really know much about anything – and certainly nothing much about relationships.”

Clientmoji
Want to hear a long personal story from a lady you haven’t met in person? Yeah I thought so!

Well perhaps I can answer, at least for myself, that I didn’t cheat on my partner, but the song connects me to a feeling I’ve had of being in a failing relationship, aware that it is stupid, but pretty mesmerized and unable to leave or even stop trying doing everything I can to stay. It was like, this is stupid, let’s keep doing it forever though.

I was about 25? when I had a relationship with a younger guy (one year younger?) who was still heavily in love with his ex, as far as I know, he didn’t cheat officially, but emotionally he did every day. I thought it would be a passing thing, and tried to be patient, I have no idea why I was so infatuated with the guy in hindsight.

In hindsight, he seems like a looser at worst, and replaceable at best, but in the moment, I was like a moth to a flame, even then, unable to make any logical justification at all as to why my top priority which had been school before became “that guy.” He was funny and cool, he had brown eyes and a smile (I mistook those things as uncommon when they are the most common possible configuration of faces), we had a similar taste in books and music (I mistook those things for a sign of integrity or destiny when they are probably a coincidence).

Quite interestingly, much later he revealed to me our whole relationship was an attempt to put his past relationship behind him. Which in a way shows an attempt of good faith, at least he intended to put the past behind him.

After our failed relationship he had another failed relationship, called me back and was offering to start another failed relationship with me (he didn’t phrase it that way) but I cut him off pretty quickly that I wasn’t interesting.I didn’t tell him why, actually always genuinely wanted to see him happy in life and after what seems like 3 years of a horrible relationship I could see that I didn’t make him happy, a lot of things about me were never going to make him happy. He liked to be the strong one, but in our match up I was 40 times the stronger character, so he never got to rescue me much, he was attracted to submissive partners, which I can be, but not to the level he preferred, he liked someone very into a particular type of fashion I would never be into, even when I did dress up it wasn’t his taste, he said I was dressed for Miami, not LA. I really loved his mom, she was a really sweet lady, she taught me to cook, made me a special dinner on my birthday, I had more good memories with her in three years than with my real mom. Maybe that was a sign we weren’t meant to be, I don’t get along well with my mother in law of the man I married and had children with later, maybe nature intends you not to like your mother in law?

Anyways the song reminds me of “that guy” because he played the Saxophone, I have only known two people who play it at all.

He was such a talented musician, he played drums, saxophone, guitar, and three other instruments I don’t remember anymore.

I don’t enjoy letting my exs live in my head rent-free, I prefer to actively or passively forget them, but some things remain. Surprisingly names are fast to go. They get replaced by other people using the name. Another thing is songs, I try to take my songs back from them if we ever did have special songs. Photos and that kind of stuff are immediately trashed.

I guess I’ve always seen exs are a complete failure and I’ve mostly always hated failure. My intention wasn’t to learn about you or relationships, it was to have a functional relationship, with respect, comradery, mutual admiration, teamwork, honesty, and fair play, if it didn’t work I’m not into over-analyzing what I can learn I’m into throwing the remnants in the trash and trying to walk off as if I hadn’t just fallen down in public.

It was a very humanizing relationship for me. I watched my girl and guy friends get into stupid relationships and wondered how they could do it or why, then it happened to me. It’s quite like being a drug addict, you get high on dopamine from seeing the other person, when you are away long enough you realize you could live better without them, but if you run into them you again want to be around them, without having a reason. Dopamine is pretty much the reason, this person gives me a large and unexpected dopamine hit. And if they also give you a quality, safe, enjoyable human relationship, it’s not a huge problem, but when the dopamine hit doesn’t come with a decent enough seeming relationship you question yourself and find out you have no answer for why. There isn’t a valid logical answer at all. You find out you are being stupid the same way most people do at a point in their lives. And that’s humanizing. Guess what, I’m stupid too.

That guy who left me to go to a concert with his ex after I bought him tickets, remember him, that’s the one I’m going out with tonight, can you fix my hair for an hour so I can look extra nice for a stupid relationship that’s mostly toxic?

I didn’t want it to be over, but when it was over I realized I take care of myself better when I’m not picking up my drunk boyfriend from a party he got board of at 4 in the morning, I realized that the martial art’s class I enjoy happens at the same time he unexpectedly calls me to come over because nothing he liked more than me (his friends, sports games, parties) was going on that day. I realized that life was thousands of times better without him, for me, and actually for him too probably. Because he always hated that he couldn’t seem to love me, he didn’t want to be the villain he always was when we were together.

So, in the end I didn’t analyze the dream yet, just the song, that was in the dream, and that led me to a lot of repressed emotional trauma, which is one possible way to analyze dreams. Connect to emotions you repress during the day, notice they still bother you, let them go to whatever extent possible. I interpret Gillian Holloway’s method like that. She wrote “The Complete Dream Book: Discover What Your Dreams Reveal about You and Your Life.” It’s very good, but I still prefer Michael Sheridan’s book more. Both are good if you are interested in dreams and have time for two perspectives.

DREAM INTERPRETATION IS EASY TO LEARN

I’ve taken a class with a master interpreter in Seattle, but even before that I was able to uncover some of my dreams with book studies. We all dream, we all sometimes wonder about our weird and mundane other life, but it’s not out of your reach to get some meaning out of those crazy dreams.

see you in class
Wouldn’t you want to learn more about you?
A Book About Emotions, Relationships, Dreams and Healing
The Only Book That Makes Dreams Make Sense

I’ll interpret my husband’s dream as an example of how easy it is to figure out other people’s dreams:

My husband told me his dream today, that was potentially embarrassing, so let me just share it publicly here…

THE DREAM

He was receiving oral sex from a lady coworker he hasn’t seen in years in front of our son and daughter and he felt like it was wrong.

END DREAM

I didn’t ask who, I don’t want to glare at that lady if I ever meet her.

Dreams speak in trashy metaphors. Having sex is “getting to know someone” kind of. So lets say you have two friends, a confident one and a kind one, if you were having sex with the kind one it means you should get to know how to be kind vs it could have been the one that was confident.

You have to boil down a person to one or two words.

A sister is a female of your bloodline, so it represents your female side often hardly ever your sister. Dreams are almost always about you, not the people in your dreams, they are casted to represent their most noticeable traits (or what you think their traits are).

Males represent confidence and females nurturing, so heterosexuals can have homosexual dreams and homosexuals can have heterosexual dreams and it’s not really a comment on sexuality at all.

Like having sex with a president, would be getting in touch with your inner leadership skills.

So oral sex would be the way you talk.

THE MESSAGE

My husband has been speaking very angrily in front of our kids, though it’s not bad to be authentic, speaking angrily in front of little kids can really scare them, this dream is saying he should speak more like the lady from the dream (who was polite and professional) because the was he was speaking in front of the kids is wrong. Which is at a broader level, being more nurturing, which is getting in touch with his female side, specifically for the benefit of our kids (I wasn’t even in the dream, but our kids were).

Dreams about sex are generally just saying, be more like “that person” you jerk.

The very general translation for a dream about having sex with a man is find a way to have more confidence in yourself and the very broad way to translate a dream about having sex with a woman is be more nurturing (or kind and understanding, empathetic ext).

It’s an awkward subject, but if your objection is that maybe you dream of people you want to have sex with because you are attracted then why can’t you do that all the time? Why do you have sex with your unattractive sister instead of the pretty one sometimes? Perhaps some dreams are fantasies, but I’m sure most of them are not, because most of them are awkward and shameful and you never tell anyone because it’s very weird and people who actually know real dream interpretation are very few and far between.

My mother used to tell me there were only two reason for dreams, you want something or you fear something. I don’t want or fear to eat at the Last Del Taco in the world and my husband doesn’t want to receive oral sex from his old coworker in front of our kids, nor do I imagine he fears it.

Both Christianity and Islam are actually compatible with dream interpretation, they have different ideas for certain symbols, but both of the books I mentioned are very helpful for beginners in dream interpretation, I would imagine you could talk to a pastor or religious scholar about what differs and what is the same in as the books, but it would potentially be a good introduction to be able to figure out the messages your dreams tell you, even if they are simply messages from your brain to you, that’s still a message. The electric sewing machine and periodic table of elements among other useful things were messages from dreams, understanding your dreams gives you a powerful insight into your subconscious mind if nothing more.

Anyways, hope you check out dream interpretation the next time you have one of those weird dreams that gets stuck in your mind, there is a free website: from my teacher Michael Sheridan and he gives away his dictionary which is awesome and he has a really cool (to my taste) call in Youtube radio show where he interprets dreams live and is typically spot on, though admittedly not always.

I have minor philosophical differences with Micheal, I believe old dreams still have meaning, he thinks current ones are better because he assumes you would have grow past old trauma from old dreams already and I know I have not… but I really think Michael Sheridan is the Michael Jordan of dream interpretation and I invite anyone remotely interested in dream interpretation to check out his method the “I am, I need method.”

Eventually I’ll analyse my own dream, but doing your own dreams are harder for me because 1. My dreams are much longer and more detailed for whatever reason and 2. I have to filter out my ego to be able to see the honest criticism of me as not more or less critical than it is, dreams tend to hold a lot of constructive criticism.

the more you know
Actually my dream interpretation page was the most popular (which to be honest means two people liked rather than one) so I thought I would share more about it.

๐Ÿบ Race and Species ๐Ÿถ

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If you really want to know, I hope you have a few minutes free, this could take awhile.

WHAT ARE YOU? (FRANKLY MILDLY OFFENDED YOU ASKED)

People often asked me “what are you?” When I was growing up, it seems pretty offensive looking back. But perhaps it bothered me more because I was pretty unsure as well. I knew what my parents said, but I was somewhat unsure of the truth. My father said he was half Chinese and half Japanese (wrong). My mother said she was a quarter German, a quarter Spanish, a quarter native american and the last quarter was an ambiguous European that we were not sure about, I’ve heard the term “black Irish” thrown around I’m not sure what that means, perhaps I’m black Irish?

I wish as a child I had just figured what to say when I was asked, because instead every time someone asked I thought about it again, still confused, and it was awkward.

I wish I would have said 1. Star Dust, 2. The Universe Aware of Itself, 3. Your Mama, 4. Black Japanese, 5. Pancakes, 6. Too Many Things, 7. Human or 8. Mixed Neanderthal.

MAYBE YOU ALREADY KNEW I’M A NEANDERTHAL

Homo sapiens (wise people is what we named us…) migrated from Africa to Central Asia to Europe and some of us (like me) are descended from a mix of Neanderthals and Homo sapiens.

I read a book about Neanderthals called Clan of the Cave Bear, as a girl, in the book they mixed so I wasn’t as surprised as I would have otherwise been, but it was still surprising because most scientist thought it wasn’t a thing when I was being educated. Spoiler alert it was. So, enjoy the slight neanderthal perspective I bring to my writing for you.

I AM 97% HUMAN ASK ME ABOUT THE REST

I’m irrationally proud to be a Neanderthal, but I don’t look down on the populations that lack Neanderthal genes in the slightest. I think it’s a small immune system boost, but according to 23 and Me (the DNA testing website) it also gave me a worse sense of direction, so… slight advantage here, disadvantage there… I find it ironic that in the past Caucasians seemed to find themselves more refined, but actually we are more primitive in the sense that non-Caucasians didn’t mix with Neanderthals. To me it’s clear that the whites are more primitive now… which isn’t good nor bad, but what’s more primitive than being part Neanderthal?

MORE SURPRISING TO ME

To me it was more surprising to find out I was Korean, because I’m not Korean, in the way that people with ancestors from Korea are… I’m Japanese and actually Korea started the Japanese race (at least the section I’m a part of). The Japanese story is that the sun God and the moon God founded Japan, so I’m a little unsure if I can still believe that now that I find out it was probably Koreans. But knowing Koreans also have something like sushi and then Japan had sushi makes me suspicious it is true. That and the DNA evidence together make me question my relationship to the sun and moon deities.

One thing that I found cool is that Koreans have these female divers, actually I’m from a diving family (both men and women though). My father, his brother, my cousins, myself, my cousins kids, my 1-year-old and 4-year-old all like to dive in water (under the water, not the fancy diving in the Olympics).

I was watching my son yesterday unafraid to swim through the water underneath the surface and marveling at him, how much he is unafraid and at home in the water, though I never forced him (because I don’t really care about swimming). My daughter also likes to go swimming from 1-4 hours a day. I know a lot of kids like swimming, but I see an extra comfort in the water in my kids. My daughter has asked to live in the water permanently and I remember feeling that way also when I was young. Then today I found the article about the Korean divers and it makes me wonder if it’s in our genes. My husband is Mexican and like some (obviously not all) Mexicans he prefers being shot at to swimming, but he is a great runner. There is an amazing indigenous group in Mexico (the Rarรกmuri meaning running people), where everyone runs, the women run until the day they give birth and I think the next day after. I’d prefer to never run again ever, in this life time or if there are more, also in the next… I wonder if that’s genetic?

He just woke up and said he is going running (amusing for me).

So I made peace with my Korean heritage today, it takes a bit of time, because I didn’t expect it, I didn’t grow up knowing I was Korean at all.

But my family are total Sea Gypsies, I tried explaining it to my husband when we watched the documentary about Sea Gypsies that that was essentially my upbringing and he was more or less unbelieving… that running guy, if he is working, or running, he is not believing me about living in harmony with the sea.

MY STABLE ETHNIC IDENTITY

celebrate asian heritage
This is completely acceptable right? Asian pride.

I’m mostly Japanese, about 40%, so that’s where I feel at home, but if I try to say I’m Japanese people keep starring at me waiting to hear something that makes more sense to them. I filled out Asian on my doctors paperwork and my Asian doctor came into the room saying, there has been a mistake on the paperwork, someone marked you as Asian. Ouch doctor, ouch. So maybe I’ll just say Sea Gypsy mixed with the people descended from the Sun God? They never accept me as full Sun God people… ๐Ÿ‡ฏ๐Ÿ‡ต <That’s my great grandma.

We are supposed to be from a prefecture with a bear Kumamon:

Kumamon (ใใพใƒขใƒณ)

Shout Out to Kumamoto on my grandmother’s side:

But my grandfather’s side was shrouded in mystery/trauma/shame. The man who raised my grandfather was Chinese, but he took off on his Chinese wife and got a Hawaiian wife, interestingly all the kids are friendly. I cast the husband as a villain, but then we found out my dad isn’t very Chinese, not enough to have had two Chinese grandparents… so maybe the lady was stepping out with a Japanese milkman or maybe my great grandparents were so poor or dysfunctional that they adopted out their child (my grandfather). Either way my grandfather hated his father/father figure? and would never speak of him, so even before he passed away this year we weren’t going to get answers from him…

MY GREAT… GRANDFATHER WAS YOUR GREAT…. GRANDFATHER

So, spoiler alert you and I are actually cousins, on my dad’s side from 275,000 years ago (or less).

THE SIDE OF THE FAMILY I LIKE (DAD’S SIDE)

The exact paternal haplogroup I fall into is 1 in 16,000… I can imagine my young mother staring into my father eyes thinking, you are 1 in 16,000 you dashing superiority intellectual racially Japanese ethnically Hawaiian sea gypsy, and I can imagine him starting into her eyes thinking, you look a little basic, like a 1 in 34 common person, but I have low self esteem and you could be the solution to lactose intolerance for my offspring you European looking milk drinker.

[Fade Away]

And then I was conceived… and they got married while pregnant with me… (I know my mom was a woman of little virtue, but what about my dad, slut shame him too at least or you are sexist) and went on to have an insanely dysfunctional marriage, that produced two viable and hopefully charming offspring that survived to adulthood (successful marriage right?).

So we are Asian (O-M1359) but we are specifically O-P49. If you thought I looked a little O-P49 you were right!

There is something scary here… I’m half Asian but 85% of my relatives are British & Irish… did you guys kill a lot of the other races? Or am I missing something. Be careful around the British & Irish until I figure this out better…

THE OTHER HALF

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Is that not okay? Is that okay? It’s kind of dicey right. But the celebrate Asian heritage was perfectly fine, wasn’t it? How is that fair? It isn’t.

I’ve always considered the other half (my mom’s half) the “white half”… but that makes me wonder if Asian’s aren’t white? I mean what does white mean, if it’s just skin color Asians are fair skinned. I don’t know what it means. Is it about being European? Are white Australians, Indians or Canadians less white since they aren’t getting any European localization? I think it’s based on skin color, but then if you are Asian you don’t qualify? And I don’t know about Middle Easterners, I never see poor Middle Easterners and think “there goes more white trash,” but they are genetically Caucasian right? I’m half white, but I don’t even really know what that means. Kind of like my Mexican husband who refused to acknowledge his ethnic identity is actually not a race at all, but rather the fun combination of Spanish, African, and various indigenous native american tribes. We both don’t fully know or understand what we are. But I know and identify with being mixed, and he refuses to do so, even though we both are mixed… we were tested.

REACTIONS I’VE HAD TOWARDS LANGUAGES OF MY HERITAGE

For some reason I thought my genetic heritage languages would be beautiful or easy for me to learn… until I realized they don’t.

My reaction to Japanese: It’s hard, but I love it, maybe I love all languages of my heritage.

My reaction to Spanish: That’s pretty easy and I really like it, I guess I like all the languages of my heritage.

My reaction to Chinese: That is very hard and sounds weird. But I’m Chinese, so I’ll struggle really hard for years to barely learn it at all.

My reaction to German: It’s fine, I could take it or leave it. I like spitting on people occasionally.

My reaction to French: Wow I hate this, but I ended up here in Jr. High. I can not understand why I have to write letters that don’t make any sound, that’s fucking retarded really, has anyone checked this language for redundancy? I don’t hate the sounds at all, but I super hate the spelling system.

My reaction to Vietnamese: What is even going on there? Is that an Asian language or French, I’m really confused here. Maybe nasal languages confuse me?

My reaction to Korean: That’s cool, I could pick that up if I wanted to, sounds cute.

My reaction to Native American (Navajo): Wow, it sounds all ancient just saying “how’s the weather,” pretty cool, but sounds a little serious.

My reaction to English: Uh, do I really have to learn English, I’ve spoken it all my life and I still don’t like it, please can we all speak Japanese or Spanish instead.

My reaction to Italian: I’m not Italian, but I love the sound of Italian, it’s like an anti-migraine medicine to my brain.

My reaction to Portuguese: You guys are speaking Spanish a little wrong, but who am I to judge.

My reaction to Hawaiian: It really uplifts my soul, maybe I’m Hawaiian? Let me check. Actually no. Well, Hawaiian is still very uplifting for me though I have not genetic claim to it.

DIVERSITY PARTY OF ONE

Me

If I wasn’t mixed enough my kids are further diverse, but it should be good for their immune systems. My husband is completely Mexican, which you may notice is actually not a race at all (deal with it Mexicans, learn the difference between race and cultural ethnicity). I am also Mex

My Kids

So every time I get asked about my heritage I’m still a little confused.

SO MY MOM IS A VIKING WARRIOR

I blame my wanting to kill my husband for thinking only I can wash dishes on my viking warrior heritage. I would like to be patient, but it’s hard for viking warrior descendants to simply not kill you with an axe, so I’m doing good, haven’t killed anyone lately, not even robbing or pillaging anymore.

SAVE 10% ON YOUR TEST IF YOU WANT TO

You can save 10% off 23 and Me by using my referral link: https://refer.23andme.com/s/sakurakaorimendoza

The test is spit in a plastic tube, mail it back, it’s usually $100 on sale and $200 not on sale, goes on sale around Christmas time and one other holiday I can’t remember. I prefer 23 and Me, it allows you to access your data and use it with other websites like Prometheus, which tells you much more (but less certain) information about health risks.

Using Prometheus I noticed I don’t have above average breast cancer risks, but below average actually, so I stopped worrying about that. I checked my daughter to see what her bigger health risks are: skin cancer, diabetes from obesity, depression linked to obesity and arthritis. So, I’ve raised my daughter with daily sun block, healthy eating and 5 days of exercise in a response to her actual risks vs imagined or common public risks, that something exciting and new for me. To be the first generation in our family that can target my child’s weaknesses via DNA reports to attempt to against buffer them. It’s a new world of helicopter parenting, micro-helicopter parenting if you will.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed the journey I go through when people ask me about my heritage. I guess I’m mostly Japanese, Chinese and Viking, but I’m quite proud to be Korean, African, and Neanderthal as well.

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We all enjoy a good cold, apple cider after work right? (Except you diabetics, just stop drinking juice, get it together.)

Stay human my cousins!

๐Ÿฆฉ Fabulous Fridays ๐ŸŽ‰

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๐Ÿฆฉ

Is this flamingo tacky and trashy or fun and amazing? That’s up to you. I think you know where I stand already. Beauty is in the eye of the blog reader (it’s on you to enjoy my writing… you came here).

I noted that I’ve been having problems adding a morning brush to my and my children’s life (we have a night brush routine, we aren’t monsters! Well maybe a little, for isn’t every man a monster deep in their heart?).

I’ve noted that I’ve been having problems consistently taking breaks.

Need coffee
Don’t worry it’s there somewhere, sleep is for the weak…

I’ve been doing really well overall on my goals, putting connection first, disciplining my daughter, sticking to a schedule so she knows what is coming (so we all do), organizing our school work a bit better (we are year round so it ain’t over yet baby).

My wonderful sister pointed out I don’t have a writing goal yet, and she does… she has an amazing goal of writing a short weekly poem. I love it, but I didn’t want to put anything else on my plate while I’m still not secure in 1. Morning Tooth Brushes 2. Breaks 3. Organizing the School, since I’ve been doing well with but just started exercise at 10 AM, inbox zero in the morning and I’m contemplating breaking the entire day into 25 minute sections inspired by T25.

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But she also buys me treats! I love her overall. Mostly. Actually yeah, overall.

Then I read Allie Brosh’s book Hyperbole and a Half, I haven’t ever laughed that much in a 24 hour period.

My husband thought I was crying and didn’t check on me at all, he just mentioned it on his way to work later that he heard me crying for hours in the morning. What an asshole. But I wasn’t actually crying, so I guess it’s fine.

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You thought I was crying but didn’t even come give me a hug… Really?

After reading the book I felt I needed more Allie Brosh and checked out her blog. She hasn’t updated since 2013 when her younger sister and only sibling, died. Since then she also got divorced, moved and got remarried, worked on a second book, and was active online but not on the blog.

But somehow that wasn’t enough for me… I get it about Allie being busy, but I need more of Allie’s comics, so much so that I plan to counterfeit them somewhat for my own purposes. It’s primarily for therapy and much less to be more popular, I’m actually already more popular than my reclusive soul feels it needs to be.

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Running out of Allie Brosh comics is not okay, her new book comes out in September, that’s so far away, I’ll never make it that long.

One problem is I’m not as good at drawing as Allie, if you’ve seen her work you may be surprised, but damn it, that’s the truth. It’s going to take me a while to get that good. She portrays the body language and facial expressions so well, as soon as I see the image it brings me into the emotion, I would say it’s the American version of German Expressionist-ism. Also, Japanese art has Sumi-e: trying to convey the living essence of a life form as simply as possible, her art does that for me. People mock it, but it has a simple essence that I find very refined in its own way. You know when you see it that it’s Allie, not Rage Comic (which I also love). Some art does too much to get to the same place something simpler would have done.

Anyways, it’s going to be a mission getting to that level artistically for me.

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My actual drawings are not quite this good.

I found the drawing tablet I want to struggle to set up, painfully, and slowly learn how to use and then use to do my own Blomics, it’s $55, which is something I’ll have to wait for, but not so long.

In the meantime, I have no reason I can’t write the storyline, brainstorm ideas, and draw rough sketches (except procrastination, poor boundaries, and conflicting priorities).

I used to think that my irreverent taste would bring me down as a blogger, but I didn’t really know much about people, nor blogs, back then.

After a year of serious-y posts, I have about 100 more followers than I would be satisfied with (about 100, I’m really okay with 0-3), Allie has something insane like 57 million. Her blog was active from 2009-2013.

Not to say, I’m for sure going to have 56,000,900 more followers in 4 years from now by turning my irreverent side up to volume 14, but it gives me permission to give myself permission to work on passion projects I’ve wanted to do, but been afraid to do. And it gives me a reason to let my husband, who doesn’t check on me when he thinks I’m crying for hours in the other room, redeem himself by buying me a $55 drawing tablet… (I hate spending his money, but we honestly both invest in the family from time to time, really I think it’s fair, I saved him a lot teaching the kids to swim this year).

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I was trying to put off new goals this week, but I failed

I now have a small writing goal: write a small comic a week.

all the best
Look at me with my fancy pretend pen and my fancy any “goal” at all.

Which is possibly a horrible idea, since I have 3 shaky habits and easily get overwhelmed. I may have to give up caring about our teeth… not sure yet.

I think I can merge my Fun with Feeling Fridays with some kind of comics to get started on the new goal (maybe next week).

Going to take a break and feed the kids lunch, hopefully be back to finish later.

Full disclosure, I made an entire bag of hash browns and ate 90% of them myself and I’m not ashamed.

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Somewhere between fries and chips lays another comfort food in potato land.

I think it would be wise to stop trying to add a morning tooth brush routine right now. I maybe we do a morning brush and possibly that will influence the kids to do it, but I just am not willing to do extra wrestling with the kids right now.

Isn’t enough I floss a baby once a day… once already feels crazy.

My life with the kids is at the limits of unpleasantness I can tolerate. I love them, but I don’t love making their breakfast, lunch, dinner, taking them swimming (putting on sunblock) opening the pool, going in the pool, closing the pool, playing games with them in the pool, I already don’t love brushing their teeth at night, I can’t really tolerate the morning without going insane. I was just lying to the dentist when I said I would do two brushes, it wasn’t an intentional lie, but it was a lie that I was trying to sell to myself.

I can’t do two brushes, I’m so bored flossing them, I’m so unmotivated to work towards dental hygiene with a daughter who already has 6 cavities that we are just arresting development off until her teeth fall out. My son fights me and I hate using physical force to do something that causes him pain and anxiety, when in all likelihood he will get cavities later anyways. My dentist told me it’s largely genetic disposition that causes cavities, the best brusher in the family is often the one with the most cavities.

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I’ll save money on whitener and just use glitter on my teeth.

When I filled out my son’s dental form it said “reason for visit” I wrote “social pressure,” I don’t have the ability to pretend I care about dental hygiene beyond a simple brush your teeth everyday. Whatever enthusiasm I ever had has been over extended by the difficulty of brushing a babies teeth while his sister demands an insane amount of recognition for a mundane activity I honestly could care less about day in and day out.

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I wouldn’t take my healthy kids to the doctor or dentists without it.

I tried to get my husband to take over years ago since I recognize I’m not the best dental hygiene coach in the world, but he cares even less to be a dental hygiene coach or make sure his spouse is not over extended. He has a lot of belief in me that I won’t crack from being overworked or abandon the family, I don’t have as much of that belief, I sometimes count the days until I could potentially escape (only 16.5 more years! mostly done).

Sometimes I imagine myself as a homeless kung fu drifer from a kung fu movie, even though I’ve never seen a female one. Sometimes as Simba from Lion King when he was living in the jungle.

rawr
Going to sleep without flossing any babies, ha, living the dream.

Anyways, this is the best I’ve ever been at balancing my needs, my identity, my children’s needs, our families well being, and my children’s education. And for me, the secret was breaking down the day into one hour time frames to worry about.

PARENTAL SURVIVAL TIME (7 – 8 AM)

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Kids, I see you are excited about life, but could you please not exist until I get some coffee down?

7 – 8AM My only goal is not to be bothered and to have coffee. When I get angry before 8 AM it’s hard to ever recover. If I can make it until 8 AM things go better.

8 AM – 9 AM Minimum goal feed the kids breakfast, moderate be nice and feed them breakfast, maximum teach language vocabulary during breakfast be nice and feed the kids breakfast. Fun Fun Elmo (Youtube Mandarin Learning Program) helps me teach Chinese, it’s pretty damn fun.

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The morning is the only time I’m human and not an ogre.

HELICOPTER PARENT TRIATHLON TIME (9 – NOON)

9 AM – 10 AM School time, 1 hour may seem like too much for some families and way too little for others, it’s really near the maximum my daughter can pay attention so anything more just becomes disappointing for me and frustrating for her. Minimum goal the letter of the day, choose a word of the day, one multiplication fact, moderate goal discussions about seasons, science, how mathematics is applied, reading together, review of math facts, maximum goal a cohesive lesson on some topic which seems relevant to life such as economics, life values, or ethics.

10 AM -11 AM Exercise, I’m almost always behind schedule by this time. But my workout is 30 minutes, so as long as I get my daughter started on what she chooses (ballet, alphabet exercise, Just Dance) I can catch up here.

11 AM – 12 NOON Swimming, this is where I either give a swim lesson (like today) or lay on the side of the pool and stare at my kids getting a mini break. Going swimming after exercise means I don’t have to shower at all instead of showering twice. I don’t know why. I will shower at night, but if I don’t swim after exercising I shower after exercising and swimming and shower three times. I guess if I’m gross enough to not shower after exercising, not showering after swimming seems fine?

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You guys still can’t cook for me yet?

GROWING BITTERNESS TIME (12 – 5 PM)

12 – 1 PM Lunch, I hate making and serving food and I hate eating around kids, so it’s a difficult time, since breakfast took most of my fake good will about cooking or feeding children.

1 PM – 2 PM Music, it’s the only thing I do with my kids that is fun for me too on a regular basis. I feel guilty that I hate almost all the service activities I do with my kids, tooth brushing, discipline, meals, ext, but it is what it is. I can steal a break here if I need one, music is rewarding and enjoyable, but I’m as okay with a 10 minute music time as I am with 20 minutes, 45 minutes or an hour so it’s a good catch up time as is the exercise hour.

2 PM – 3 PM Mummy and me time, I try to be nice during this time if I do more than this that’s fine, but if not I don’t feel guilty, because at least I gave what I could. I give my daughter as much attention as I can, I start late sometimes, but I usually end late and give her the hour. That’s pretty close to the most intimacy I can handle in a day, it just is.

3 PM – 4 PM Japanese lessons and catch up, going okay, very flexible because I’m starting to be tired by this time and also I know I already did a lot so I’m not desperate to “do enough” to make life count.

4PM – 5 PM Dinner, we have to eat early so we can be done and brush teeth before I fall apart from fatigue.

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I hope nothing bad happens I’m not really going to watch you guys anymore.

COMPLETE SPIRITUAL SURRENDER (6 PM – 9 PM)

6 PM – 7 PM The kids have free time, I am so tired I barely care what happens. I feel this way if I did 0 things for them all day or 100, I just always have nothing left at this time.

7 PM – 8 PM The kids dad usually spends time with them, which is great, if he doesn’t I don’t, I can’t even at this time. If possible I’ll put the younger child to sleep, but not if I have to do anything hard.

8 PM – 9 PM I become an anti-fun Nazi, no lights, no loudness, no laughter, yes love, yes math review tablets with the night light setting on… it’s a hack, you form memories best before sleep, so watching math before bed is worth more than math at any other time. It could potentially be labeled secret school. It’s math or nothing, so the kids don’t complain about watching math, which is a privilege in our house. The tablets get taken away when I can no longer stand the kids being awake anymore or at 8:50, I repeat a quote to them, give them two kisses and two hugs, I don’t even have 1 extra hug left in me at this point, but sometimes I give 1 bonus kiss. There is absolutely no way I could do a bath and book at night, I’m dead at 8 PM and running on fumes at 9 PM and my husband don’t give a damn about bedtime book or bath either. But I end the day with a nice quote at least. “Darkness cannot drive out the darkness,” I say, my daughter replies “only light can do that,” “hate cannot drive out hate” I say, “only love can do that,” my daughter replies and falls asleep. And in that in that moment they go to sleep I love them again as if I had never secretly hated them for asking more questions than I wanted to answer during the day.

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Every time my kids go to sleep I feel like I won the Superbowl by myself.

PARTY TIME (9 – 10 PM)

9 PM – 10 PM I love my kids again, and fall asleep wanting to pay attention to my husband, but rarely actually doing so.

So, it’s a bit crazy to me that I’m going to start a writing goal while I feel like there is already too much on my plate, but I guess I am?

im so tired
But I’ll sleep when I’m dead…

Life is for living on the edge (of exhaustion)! Woo!

Anyways, I feel like we all do our best and Friday is a good day to celebrate what we did get done and hope for what we would like to do next week without being too “realistic” about the details. Let’s be dreamers again for just one day a week?

What are you hoping to do next week? Nothing is fine, it’s completely fine, but if it’s something here’s a space to share.

๐Ÿ“ฆ

What’s in there?

โ™Ÿ๏ธ Master of My Mind Captain of My Soul ๐Ÿšข

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At 3 AM Though…

Today I woke up at 3 AM, snuck really quietly to make a coffee (since I have 3 family members and 2 roommates – one of which has a plus 1), and as I was making my coffee I look out the screen door at the roommate’s dog, a collie I think (black and white, medium size, long ears), gazing out at the pool. As I’m looking at it thinking, what’s wrong with you that you are awake at 3 AM? It turns it’s head as if to say, what’s wrong with you that you are awake at 3 AM?

I lost this post, and it felt like a big loss, because I had appreciated my humor in it, and I’m not sure what the post will become now.

dear dairy

I’m very much like Stephen King in the way that I feel my writing controls me a bit more than I control it. I haven’t felt as understood as I did when I read him talk about his writing process, of feeling like there was a trapped world or universe, or multiverse of characters in his head that sometimes wanted to come out.

I could have remembered the whole post, tried to paste it back together like a failed romance, but I’ll just start my life again, grieve the lost of two good jokes.

One thing is says about me is that I don’t trust life or myself very much, I was in the moment not sure I would ever have two funny jokes again, so the loss of those two was a big loss to me.

I’ve now moved on by realizing the jokes I lost were not that funny, not to be self critical, but I just started reading “Hyperbole and a Half” and I’m laughing and laughing in a pretty quiet, yet still audible way at 4 AM in the morning.

I bet my husband thinks I’m insane now…

If waking up at 3 AM wasn’t enough, I start laughing by myself in the dark in the next room over at 4 AM.

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I really feel like life is great right now. Kind of like Branch from “Trolls” who finds his happiness in the moment before they are all about to be eaten for a cultural holiday named Trollstice where monsters consume happy individuals in an effort to feel happy for a moment (I think they are referring to consumer focused christmas).

Anyways, I’ve been waiting about a week to buy this book that cost $2.99, which is not because I live in poverty, we actually are about x3 above the poverty line, which I looked up, but because unfortunately my husband and I grew up in poverty and carried some nasty habits into adulthood.

One habit I don’t like is that certain items such as books, are deemed, unimportant, while other expenditures like a $40 lunch, when there is pretty decent food at home, are consistently over looked.

Until this pandemic, we were sinking over $1000 in food cost pretty much without exception, and we spend only $860 in rent. It’s not the amount that’s a problem per se, but our inability to either bring a budget up to meet the food costs or bring the food costs down to meet the budget has broken our budget, we (my husband and I) don’t even attempt to create a new budget after failing to be able to make a budget work every month since we moved out together like six years ago.

I haven’t kept track of our current numbers, but I’m sure they are down. It’s depressing to keep track of the finances, I don’t bring in any of the income and also have very little actual decision making power in my marriage over the financial decisions. I bring up what I would prefer, it’s nice to have at least that ability, but that’s as far as it goes. I’m more fiscally conservative, but my husband disregarded my opinion when I earned almost the same as him and especially now that he earns infinitely more.

Anyways, I got the book Hyperbole and a Half today and it’s so funny.

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Yeah I’m Not Wearing Shoes a Lot Lately, Are You?

I heard it described at my writer’s meeting as a book that had poorly drawn pictures but was very engaging. The pictures are better than mine… so I prefer to call them free flowing or in a youthful style.

I’ve been wanting to work up to that kind of rage comic style for a few years, but it’s kind of been road blocked by my somewhat functional relationship with technology. For sure I want to go digital, yet after 4 or 5 computer drawing styluses it seems like anything I do will look like a horrible bank key pad signature and it’s not quite up to the artistic styling one would achieve with no artistic talent and a crayon or even an Etch A Sketch.

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Moderate and Unreasonable Guilt

I felt really guilty for not writing yesterday, because I wanted to write, but I went to my husband’s family’s house, had a wonderful dinner and filling conversation and returned home with insanely wired children, who were difficult to settle down to sleep.

My son slept in his sister’s room, now “the kids room” it seems like they are going to love sharing it.

I felt afraid upon having a second child, that if we had a boy (we already had a girl) we would need a third bedroom immediately. What I’m finding out is that the social pressure to have a separate bedroom for a boy doesn’t mean it’s really what our kids need, nor does it provide the funds to relocate us to a dwelling that has one… so, if you don’t want to pay for us to move, maybe just deal with our kids who are together all day long, also being in the same room at night.

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If my mixed gender room shares offend you consider buying me a larger house, I can barely get a $3 book as it is.

It’s a bit rough being middle class sometimes. I think it’s the most advantageous overall, because money never becomes your whole life (well it didn’t for us) yet you can eat and fun things like that, but I think the hard part is thinking you can meet the social expectations that it takes upper class finances to meet.

My husband has five siblings, they slept with their mom, in one room (that’s what they had) in one bed (that’s what they had).

Somehow that seems easier to understand that a middle class family who doesn’t have a bedroom for each child. It doesn’t fit the movie version of America.

Anyways, my son moved into “the kids room” and I only fed him twice (once to sleep at 10 PM and once somewhere in the late night). It’s the most sleep I’ve had in such a long time.

I woke up to my daughter crying softly, went to go help my son and was surprised my daughter kind of cries in her sleep. My husband said that she did, but I’ve never woken up to notice before… I’m a deep sleeper and he is an insomniac so that puts him in a better position to notice.

But she isn’t awake, she is still asleep, sleep crying.

So, I’m very irrationally proud of my son. He was placed by me multiple times in a new location and eventually succumbed to exhaustion and slept there, I couldn’t be prouder.

Like when he gets teeth, I know it’s irrational, since nearly all of us grow and possess teeth, but I’m super proud of my son for having teeth. More so than anything else. While at the same time as much as I appreciate you reading this, I don’t really care if you have zero or more than zero teeth.

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I may not be wearing shoes, but guess what I do have. Teeth in my mouth! Wow is right!

Perhaps in the wild these things would mean my son had a good chance at surviving, you have teeth to eat food, you are able to sleep, which is necessary to survival, everything looking good for a future as a hunter or gatherer.

I’m haven’t officially set a writing goal right now, it didn’t matter if I wrote yesterday but I was fairly guilty to have not written since I spent the day supporting other people’s well being more or less. It’s that kind of selfishness that lets me forgive my husband’s selfishness easily, we are both pretty selfish people.

Part of it may be that we grew up in poverty, there wasn’t much abundance, there was literally not that much to go around on a daily or weekly basis, day in and day out, and like most kids we welcomed abundance and thought about things we would like (which is why I really hate the law of attraction fallacies). My husband started working part time at 5 years old, I started at 12 years old part time, full time at 14 years old and over full time at 18 years old. I think in some ways you try to work through the poverty, but with horrible financial knowledge and financial skills it’s easy to let it take much longer than it needs to take. 35 year old me wants 18 year old me to listen to Dave Ramsey, but 18 year old me has no idea who that is.

My overall impression of the law of abundance is, if you want more wealth just wish harder to win the lottery, really be okay with it. Since the sales of “The Secret” and other law of attraction books and movies has gone up there hasn’t been an associated increase in lottery winners, my 35 year old hypothesis is that’s some bullshit. My 18 year old hypothesis was, wow, it’s my fault I’ve always been in poverty, I forgot to think about abundance enough times! I actually am aware the original author intended people to take action other than just imagining, but I am also aware that the general movement forgot the second step. I guess “the law of attraction” doesn’t trick people, people trick people with the watered down version of the law of attraction. But I really see it as the cigarettes of philosophy, should it even be legal to let you smoke that delusion when our economy is linked to your debt? Should you be able to drive if you think welcoming safe driving into your life will replace paying attention and knowing how to drive?

I never realized the extent that I grew up in poverty, because we had money. If that sounds like a contradiction, it’s really not. Poverty is a horrible, omnipresent, mental state. Dave Chapel mentioned his father telling him when they had no heat in the winter, they weren’t poor, they were broke and he hoped to remedy the situation soon. That poverty was a mental state.

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How can you be poor making $60-70,000 a year (age 30) and rich making $20 a month (age 10). Spoiler alert poverty is mental.

Ironically, my father’s income was also sufficient that we were never “poor”, but no disrespect to him, he always raised us in mental poverty. Not only can you not have what you want, don’t even ask, and if possible, don’t even want anything. He would often call me the “good daughter” because I never asked for souvenirs when we went to the zoo or an amusement park, not for anything I did, anything about who I was, but simply because I had a marginally lower over head than my younger sister. Than because I craved acceptance that was very far and few between, I took cheapness to another level. Frugality is not a bad thing, humility is not a bad thing, mindful spending is not a bad thing, consuming diets are not a bad thing, living in your means is not a bad thing, but the feeling you don’t have a right to want to new dish sponge every month, or a new towel ever, the feeling you need to live and die on the same sheets your grandparents lived and died on, because they are “still good” it’s been a bad thing in my life.

I ran into this amazing video by Dave Lee, a successful investor, describing his experience with poverty and what he did to overcome it:

Dave Lee

Watching it was a revelation that I had been poor and that I didn’t need to be. Right now my net worth is about -$44,000 student debt, -$3,000 0% credit debt, with $0 in savings. I do make an additional $0 writing articles and my book royalties come to about $0 a year lately. So, I often avoid topics of finace.

But sincerely, watching this video helped me be open to possibly playing the stock market with unessential money for the sole purpose of paying back all or part of my student loan.

My kids have stocks, they’ve gotten paid dividends (bonus money) so without selling the stocks the value has increased, but they have also gotten dividends that they can use to buy more stocks. My daughter checks on her stocks and has a rough idea that money can make you money.

I thought saving was the “right” answer and had $10 saved most of my life, I wish I would have invested it, maybe I could have paid for college instead of borrowing money from a country that borrows money from anther country that charges interest. So… I have to pay so much interest since my country didn’t even actually have money to lend me, so they are paying interest too.

pay day
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I Know It’s Not Just Me (There Are Statistics).

In a funny way it cheers me up to be from a poor family that lives in essentially a poor nation. We call our self the wealthiest nation in the world here, yet we don’t have school money so we borrow with pretty bad interest rates… I’m suspicious we may not be the wealthiest nation in the world, but if we are it seems like the finance system is a bit messed up…

So I’m bad at fiances, my family is bad at finances, my whole country is bad at fiances… but you find a way to live, life goes on, hopefully you figure it out with Dave Ramsey and start investing in mutual funds in time to not have to work as a Walmart greeter until the day you die.

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Need a Piano Teacher?

My plan is to teach piano, I like it and hopefully robots don’t do that job by then. I’m only so so at piano, but if I stay just a little bit ahead of the kids, who is going to know that?

I think the real message about money is change your name to Dave, Dave Ramsey, Dave Chapel or Dave Lee… everyone I know who knows about money’s name is Dave.

When I wake up at 3 AM I feel like this:

Out of the night that covers me,
      Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
      I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
      Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
      How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
      I am the captain of my soul.

– Invictus William Ernest Henley
Of My Mind

Don’t ask me how I feel when I wake up at 8 AM… it’s not the same.

Just got up for a second coffee in time to see the roommates cat peeing directing into the dog’s water bowl… no wonder the dog was looking off into space, it’s getting bullied by the cat Carlitos. The cat looked at me looking at it, and gave me that “I don’t give a sh*t that you are seeing me do this look” that some cats have. Kind of like “that’s uncalled for cat” and kind of envious of that level of authenticity to pee in someone else’s water bowl, right in front of them, see a third party notice, and still not care… that’s a high level of authenticity.

you gotta be kitten me
The fun thing to me is you never know where writing or life will take you.

๐Ÿ› Transformation Week III ๐Ÿฆˆ

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IT’S SHARK WEEK (ON THIS BLOG – AT LEAST TODAY)

So I can’t get shark attack survivors off my mind yet this morning. I was thinking about finding a way to remind myself (with an emoji) of this weeks stoic quote:

โ€œHow do you defeat terrorism? Donโ€™t be terrorized.โ€

– Salmal Rushdie

My first thought was “a shark” because I remember a surfer lost a leg, learned to surf without it, and wasn’t afraid of sharks after the attack.

I think it’s largely because he didn’t take it personally, it wasn’t “out to get him” even though it “got him” it wasn’t a safe scenario, but there was no reason to expect it to happen again. Unlike say loosing a leg in a terrorist bombing at a public place, which probably will happen again, but when?

I checked online looking for the news about the shark attack I remember from a long time ago. I found an article about shark attack survivors.

Actually there were five (it’s not only one):

  1. Bethany Hamilton, she was 13 years old, lost her left arm and back surfing the same month to become the world’s best female surfer laterโ€ฆ
  2. Mike Coots, punched the shark twice in the nose to get it to leave, but still lost his right leg and surfing again the same month, went on to be a shark conservationist.
  3. Brett Connellan, lost 3/4 of the left thigh took about two years to return to surfing.
  4. Colin Cook (from the island where I like to swim), lost his left leg to another tiger shark, a few years later winning the USA adaptive world championships.
  5. Ulu Boy (someone I’ve met), for some reason, I’m surprised he didn’t say anything about it when we met, which makes sense, you wouldn’t mention it every time you meet someone… but it feels somehow wrong to find out about someone you know in person on a new article.

I find it cool the nice man I met at a children’s birthday party, was viciously attacked by a shark, in the sense that it brings it home to me that these are not “far away people,” they are real people, getting through life in a very similar way to the rest of us. Not that I’m glad he got mauled, but I think it will forever remind me that we all have a lot of “scars” you don’t see and a lot of history that affects who we are. I wonder if it was more disturbing to have been mauled without being eaten? So what’s the sharks problem with you then if not hunger? Maybe someday I’ll ask, but there’s that stigma to not ask about horrible things… so perhaps that’s why we all feel like our horrible things are the only ones that happen…

I’ve always had a cavalier attitude towards sharks and been around many “non-tiger sharks” in the water (leopard sharks and reef sharks are little cuties), but I have a new awareness that they (tiger sharks) are around in the areas I’m most likely to take my kids swimming. But we just can’t not go swimming in the ocean, we are fourth generation Hawaiian culturally (though Japanese genetically), not swimming in the ocean is simply not a viable option for us…

Two of the surfers had to punch the sharks, so that’s something interesting when training a punch, that it may possibly be self-defense from a shark someday. The nose is sensitive like a dog. I once punched a dog in the nose. Before you unsubscribe, it was a bull dog, it bit me unprovoked and it wouldn’t let go… If you still need to go then go, but I think it was warranted.

I’m a big fan of sharks, when you see their eyes, kind of like dogs, there is some intelligence, when you see their eyes, kind of like cats, there is a lot of independence, but also I guess they are part of a world with different rules, like a tiger, they would possibly eat you if hungry, which is what we do to them. So if they are monsters, that makes us monsters as well, doesn’t it? I don’t think we are monsters, and I don’t think they are. I think I will go swimming again not far from two of those shark attacks, but I’ll also look for other areas of life I can choose not to be terrorized…

So after disclosing that I have a new mental relationship with sharks I can start transformation Tuesday.

live your best life
I’m not going to do it for you!

TRANSFORMATION TUESDAY

Monday I clean my house of clutter, Tuesday I try to focus on cleaning “me” of clutter.

Shaun Blokker started me on this journey so I’ll start with a vow from him that inspired me, Blokker turns down a bevy of business offers with a vow that he will only connect with things that are โ€œtrue to my soul.”

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Shaun T is My Hero!

I’ve been working out with Shaun T for years and years, after finishing P90X with still a gut, I wanted to see other people, and I found my exercise soul mate. His exercises met my really high standards, but his uplifting motivation began to fill a hole in my heart where a life time with no encouragement had left a void.

PHYSICAL TRANSFORMATION

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I’m on day 8 of COVID T25 but I’m pretty sure my abs are still the same.

For no reason at all (not fat, not unhealthy right now, not particularity motivated) I started exercising again with T25. I had wanted to do martial arts everyday, but it felt like too much of a shock to my body and my daughter as well, so we will do that Fridays for now rather than everyday.

One thing I’ve noticed about T25 is I don’t really look too much different, but I feel a lot different. I get much more patience, more stamina, more “pep in my step,” more optimism. I’m hoping this time is the exception and I look like Bruce Lee after I’m done, but I have a feeling I won’t.

I used to post my flabs on Instagram everyday, but they just keep looking the same for months, so I think the first day and the last day will be more than enough.

I’ve been struggling to think of a way to convey the benefits I get from T25 in a concrete way when there is very little that can be directly seen.

The only thing I’ve come up with is mental strength, measured by the time I want to quit and when I quit (I don’t quit). So for example day 1, I wanted to quit after 20 minutes and didn’t, so I spent 5 minutes mastering my laziness.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare stretch, abs or lower focus (none of which I wanted to quit), to total body circuit or cardio or speed (all of which I wanted to quit) so I’ll record which exercise I did, the time I wanted to quit and see if it changes over time. As I get fitter I will actually work harder, so the intensity will go up not down, so I’m not sure I won’t want to quit sooner than later, but I’m just looking for a way to try to find some data that shows the well being I get from exercise in some way.

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DIG DEEPER

So I’ve been putting off the book notes, because I only have the audible version (which I love) and I wasn’t looking forward to trying to get my bluetooth headphones to work.

The anxiety about trying to get the headphones to work was somewhat well founded, I couldn’t get them to work, they register with my computer, they pair with my computer, but they won’t connect to my computer. So, like a couple that went on two dates, but not three, that’s the end of that.

I dug around my travel bag for the complementary wired headphones Hawaiian Airlines provided me. I feel pretty proud of myself for that. Small tech solutions that may come easily to you are like fighting off and recovering from a shark attack for some of us…

10 points for self awareness

SIDE NOTE

You always invent a fantasy set of parents as a child, when you hate your parents right? But I was always on the look out for who I would want my mom to be if I could have picked, and today I realize it’s Shaun T, I like a very strong mom and now a days gender doesn’t matter for moms. Shaun T is defiantly my ideal imaginary mom for me, I can easily imagine working out together, being board in church with out grandparents together, being coached in boxing, being started at when I’m in trouble with a stern but caring disappointment that is respectful at the same time as clear in re-probation, I know he would have bought me donuts once a week and put my drawings up (if not on the fridge, somewhere).

true story

BACK TO T IS FOR TRANSFORMATION

Shaunt T congratulates me for making it to page 1 of the book, and I really appreciate that. It’s not, not a struggle to make it to page 1. Seriously, had to figure out the headphones, train my kids to solo play in the morning before breakfast (that takes boundaries and respect for their ability to survive without me – which takes humility), also had to semi-shame my husband into going running so he’s not interrupting me. He was planning to take this morning off because he got a massage yesterday, he didn’t want to “ruin the massage”, I pointed out most professional athletes get massages right before they keep playing at their sports and he decided to go run… is that shaming? I don’t know. It was his weekly goal, I didn’t ask him to run. Anyways, thank you Shaun page 1 is probably the hardest to get to.

The kind of fitness I care most about is inside you, it’s in your mind it’s in your heart, and both of those are great places to find strength, because you’re in charge there. No body else can tell you what to do, or who you are, or how strong you can be, it’s all up to you. Can you screen out the noise in your life and hear what you need to? Can you push away the people that tell you it can’t be done and decide for yourself what you can achieve? Can you trust yourself to handle the stress of change? Can yo believe in your ability to succeed now, even if you’ve fallen short before?

An Invitation to Transformation Shaun T

Can you screen out the noise in your life and hear what you need to? It’s a struggle, but I’m getting better here, yesterday my son fussed while I was exercising and I kept exercising, without feeling bad, because my workout is short and he needs to learn he is one of my priorities, but I’m also one of my priorities (mom lives matter).

Can you push away the people that tell you it can’t be done and decide for yourself what you can achieve? I read this and I can’t not immediately think about my husband, I feel bad for him, because I’m sure he criticizes himself a lot, he criticizes everyone a lot, if I had a dollar for every time he belittles me I would have a robust financial source… at first it didn’t feel right to push that part of him away, but I’m too sensitive to thrive if I don’t, so it became a necessity, and though our marriage didn’t get better, it didn’t get worse. There is that catch phrase that you should embrace all of your spouse, but it isn’t a viable reality for my life, if my spouse was a gambler I wouldn’t embrace it, if they beat me, I wouldn’t embrace it, so why embrace the constant criticism? I’m not going to. I pretty much off set the negativity with a Theodore Roosevelt speech called “The Man in the Arena.”

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

I have a framed copy of this speech by the coffee maker, I look at when I make a morning coffee and allow myself to throw other people’s unwanted opinions into my mental trash can as many times a day as I need to…

Can you trust yourself to handle the stress of change? This one I’m just not sure about, I don’t feel like I’m good with change, but on the other hand I don’t quit transformation projects so it seems like I’m actually okay then?

Can you believe in your ability to succeed now, even if you’ve fallen short before? This is where I struggle, a lot. The slightest failure seems permanent. Which it is, each failure is permanent, in and of itself, yet failure is just part of learning,

Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.

– F. Scott Fitzgerald.

The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.

– Theodore Roosevelt

Failure is not the opposite of success – it’s part of success.

– Arianna Huffington

So, now that I have my wired headphones working, I’ll be able to go through the book again and that will be nice.

I still don’t know how much of myself I should be, which is something I reflect on Tuesdays. All day I want to say “Can I trouble you for a glass of shut the fu*k up?” to my kids and I never have. Should I? I don’t know, that would be being myself, it really would.

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Happy Socially Appropriate Drug Filled Morning to You Reader! โ˜•

Hope to “see you” next week, I review week 1 (when I was semi hopeless and overwhelmed) and week 2 (where I felt horrible) and I was surprised that I’ve solved most of the problems I had those weeks, but remain unsatisfied (damn you hedonistic adaptation!). Anyways stay alive! ๐Ÿฆˆ

๐Ÿ’ Mindfulness Monday III ๐Ÿ“ƒ

ONE DANGERS OF BEING MINDFUL YOU FIND UNPLEASANT THINGS

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Sorting Papers

But, life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all (Helen Keller) right?

I started today going to go through our papers, then I wondered if I should put my husband’s papers in a separate folder or together with mine (as they are), then I wondered if I should put myself with my husband or separate in life?

I’ve heard of someone else who was doing a KonMari clean up and discarded their spouse because they didn’t spark joy. It think I was a bit afraid it might happen to me as a minimalist, having less and less makes me so aware of what I do and don’t enjoy having.

Awhile ago I probably realized my husband was hurting me with criticism more than he uplifts or supports me, but I wanted very much to ignore that, not ask a question leading to an answer I didn’t want to discover. I tried to put it off, saying the stress from the pandemic is causing him to be a jerk, but eventually I remembered we all have a choice on how to react, and when he blamed my daughter for him hurting her face because she wouldn’t be quiet, I just couldn’t ignore that I hate living with him at times. Not because he lost his temper, not because he hurt her a bit, but because he couldn’t take responsibility for his actions. Because he at 40 blamed the 4 year old, rather than just say “I shouldn’t have done that, I was frustrated, sorry.” I think I can live with the anger and roughness, but I can’t live with the failure to take responsibility for the rest of my life. It’s going to go, or I’m going to go.

Looking at the stoic quote for this week I tried to turn it to my current problems (which is what I do with all the stoic quotes):

โ€œHow do you defeat terrorism? Donโ€™t be terrorized.โ€

– Salmal Rushdie

This is a hard quote to live by, I’ve done it in some interesting circumstances (when my son who couldn’t swim dove into the water – I was dead calm) (when attacked by knife point – I calmly took the knife and turned it on the attacker who ran away), but I’ve also failed at it much more than some of the other quotes.

I think it deals with boundaries and with assertiveness.

First is thinking it through intellectualizing, without people being scared a bombing is “a bombing” rather than a terrorist act. If you get shot with a bullet you are shot and suffer that, but if you designate it as terror than it may cause debilitating or troublesome mental anxiety above what the pain needs to cause.

What it comes down to is a look at fear itself.

“Nothing to fear but Fear Itself.”

– FDR

It sounds very impressive, taken from a real, not a fake, desire to fix the country when it was in actually shambles.

This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itselfโ€”nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

– President FDRs Inaugural Speech 1932

But I don’t know if that’s at all ethical to fear nothing other than fear… FDR was often cheating on his wife, he was a mixed up person to me, not only full of contradictions of his time period like Theodore Roosevelt (a war monger and a shade or two racist) but he also could care less about hurting his wife and probably for being their for his children…

Perhaps we should have more to fear than fear, perhaps failure to do the right thing or to act in a frightening situation should also be on the radar?

Since being in a the divorce mediator’s office years ago then deciding to forgo a divorce at least until my daughter is older, my marriage hasn’t improved much. It also hasn’t gotten worse, it’s always right on the fence between we should stay together or we should plan divorce for either now or when the kids are bigger.

I'm on the fence
Should I Keep My Marriage or Let it Go? It Seldom Sparks Joy, But I’m Still Using It…

Perhaps I can let go of being afraid of divorce.

I still plan to attempt to stay together while the kids are young, maybe for a long time, but maybe since my husband doesn’t want to seek counseling or make an effort, I think I can just stop being afraid of the possibility we will get divorced someday and recognize that it’s a real possibility rather than a vague threat (40-50%).

I don’t prefer divorce, but it’s becoming hard to ignore that it may be a better life someday. I know financially it will be hard, I haven’t kept separate savings and still have a student loan, but sometimes being in a non-toxic situation is worth every ounce of financial hardship.

I won’t seek divorce, but I will think of ways to stop being terrorized by the idea of it, I’ll make a special bucket list of things I would like to do that I could do.

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It Wouldn’t Be Easy, But No One Would Stop Me from Trying to Do The Things I’ve Always Wanted to Do.

Divorce Bucket List:

1. Stay in Treehouse point outside of Seattle to Write Some Poetry
2. Take Photos
3. Perhaps Get a Nice Cell Phone for its Camera
4. Go to the Beach too Much
5. Walk on the Beach Looking for Seashells
6. Eat a lot more Waffles – Perhaps a Waffle at Each Meal
7. Eat $5 Pineapple Pies Sometimes for Lunch Like I Used to Do
8. Go on Picnics
9. Go on Walks in the Rain
10. Binge Watch a Show While Eating Chocolate
11. Eat the Whole Ice Cream With No One Complaining
12. Not Have to Store Words for Someone Who Want to Forget and Ask
13. Not Have to Map Someone While They Are Driving
14. Not Hear Someone Else’s Alarm Clock
15. Not Do Someone Else’s Laundry and Have Them Still Complain
16. Not Have to Hear His Complaints Ever Again
17. Earn What I Make But Be Able to Buy What I Want Without Asking
18. Not Care If My Skin Isn’t Aging As Well As My Husband’s
19. Not Care What My Husband Thinks About Politics
20. Not Hear News in the Background
21. Not Be Warned Not to Disturb His Phone from Charging
22. Not Hear Unattractive Ladies Badmouthed as We are Driving
23. Not Hear Fallacies and Excuses for Re-activeness and Temper
24. Have Way Less Yearly Family Events
25. Take a Snow Trip to Austria to Rent a Snowboard
26. Try to Volunteer in Africa or Brazil to Dig Wells or Equivalent
27. Have and Stick to a Budget
28. Visit My Friends Out of State Whenever I Can If I Want To
29. Stargaze Without Notifying Anyone I Will Be Out
30. Take Astronomy
31. Binge Shop a Used Book Store
32. Find a Job at a Cafe or Library
33. Learn to Cook Cuban Food
34. If the Kids Are Old Enough Get Another Motorcycle
35. Paint
36. See the Northern Lights and If Possible an Ice Festival
37. Perhaps Attempt a Mountain Climb
38. Maybe Visit the South-pole
39. Backpack the Sierra Nevada for an Entire Season
40. Take up Cowboy Trick Shooting

That really takes the edge off the terror of knowing divorce may happen to me.

My husband left to go running as I was writing this, he asked me what I was up to and I told him, I somehow doubt that he cares. Maybe we would both be happier apart, but we were both afraid of the idea of divorce?

Our kids are 1 and 4, I think we both feel trapped by the way the kids need us, it’s so much easier to raise them from the same household, no commute time, only one rent to pay, we both care for them so much, for their well being, for them being able to see us both on a daily basis.

That love for them is a bit of a prison for us, it makes us feel like we have to stay together, when we have both wanted to leave for sometime.

Yesterday my husband said that he very often wants me to leave and very often wants me to stay, it’s not a great way to live, but I am also that way. I get really tired of being criticized in my own home, not that I can’t forgive at all, not that I don’t understand no one is perfect, but I get really tired of trying something new and having him rain on my parade seemingly every time.

Today I told my little girl I won’t leave while she is little, but maybe in about 9 years when she is bigger. I was surprised she said “I don’t want you to leave when I’m bigger, I want you to leave when I’m little, because daddy is so mean to me when he is angry.”

That kind of threw me for a loop…

I feel better not being mentally tied to my marriage anymore, I won’t disrespect it while it’s ongoing, but I no longer feel the need to try to save it if my husband won’t meet me half way, I no longer feel I’ll be ashamed if it ends, I no longer worry about living a life without him if it comes to that.

I still prefer to wait until my son is older, so he can know his father.

And I’ll still stay if I’m happy and he’s happy in 9 years, but if we still aren’t, I no longer feel that “I have to stay”.

hiking
I’ve Got a Plan and a Date, but No Certainty of the Roads Life Will Present Me.

I have a date now for when I would like to leave if we are still unhappy, October 26th 2030. It’s a long way off, but that will let my son enjoy his dad being close, I can start saving up, maybe get a part time job in the next two years if things are still heading this way.

I find it surprising that even though there is a 50% risk of divorce happening I was too afraid of it to make a plan in case it happens.

We make emergency plans for large Earthquakes, we fear drowning, we have insurance for car accidents, but most of us have no divorce plan or divorce insurance. How illogical we human are…

Already talked about it with my husband, who told me not to let the door hit me on the way out yesterday after I asked him not to be rough with our daughter when he was angry… I don’t know if we will or will not resolve what was once a happy relationship, but I no longer care (in a good way)!

If it works it works, if it doesn’t life will go on with me and I’ll be able to move back to the forest I miss so much (maybe outside Seattle, maybe Oregon). I’m now looking forward to life with or without my husband, it feels really good.

I know it will be hard if I get divorced from my husband someday, but unfortunately I know it will also be hard if we stay married.

I’m just at peace with an unknown future right now in a way I haven’t been since 2011. It’s a good feeling, being open the future and it’s nice that I’ve already had the conversation casually with my husband, not that he’s somehow lacking, but that if we aren’t both happy when the kids are mostly grown in 2030, I’ll be pressuring my life elsewhere, which means reassessing my finances in about 2 years so I’ll be able to save up a bit of moving funds.

I plan to move to Seattle and hopefully with roommates so I can travel to Hawaii part of the year without leaving the property vacant. Maybe I can rent to students near a college? I’m so excited for that future if it does happen, but not opposed to staying as a traditional family unit if my husband tones down the verbal abuse to a simmer and meets me half way by then. Like I told my husband on his way to work, I’m good either way.

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Fear can be good, but it can also be a prison.

NEW SYSTEM

I have a folder for the kids, for me, three for my husband (certificates in one, taxes and receipts in another an essay from college in the last). I separated our paperwork today, so if we ever do split, that’s one less thing in a stressful time, and if we don’t it’s not really a problem having different folders.

Papers I let go off:

  1. Interim driver license (real one arrived).
  2. Appointment card for last spring.
  3. Test screening denial form my copy.
  4. Vehicle/vessel transfer from two years ago 8-31-2018 haven’t had or needed a car since then.
  5. Old trial daily schedule now typed.
  6. Martial Arts role from class that covid ended.
  7. Tea Party notes. (Almost Kept Them)
  8. A page of notes from a dream.
  9. School Flyer (Because I Copied Relevant Information)
  10. 1 Page Game Notes

Kept: Certificates (birth, educational, marriage), kids ultrasounds and footprints, drawing of lock tess monster with monkey on head, kids birthday cards (for them), school flyers with our kids pictures (for them), son’s first drawing, hand prints from kids.

Usually I just shoot for discarding 5 things, but now with two kids, it feels like I have to get to 10 to make the same difference doing 5 used to make.

Showed this video to my daughter.

My son put all my papers on the floor so I just kept going through them, my daughter did so good letting go of count 1-20 workbook she didn’t need and multiple workbooks for letter writing she no longer needs. I did keep her old sketchbook, but let go of a ton of notebooks. Having too many means we don’t even use any.

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Thought I had almost no paper clutter, but filled up a target bag with it. Very little left this time, like 20 pages.

What I have left are some writing ideas, for either school, personal writing or mementos.

The first step in the Kon Mari process is imagining an ideal life, then examining ๐Ÿ‘’ clothes, ๐Ÿ“š books, ๐Ÿ“ƒ papers, ๐Ÿ”ช everything else and ๐Ÿ’Ž mementos. It’s an interesting process, I’ve done it a few times an it’s always surprising how much I have that I’m unaware I have and how much lighter I feel when the clutter leaves my life. ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ