PHYSICAL TRANSFORMATION

I feel new again, the pandemic has changed all the social norms that I was never even that good at anyways.

Today was the end of the first week of “Beta Mode,” on the double workout day I started feeling sure God hates me at 20 minutes into the workout. Even though I’m agnostic… which means I don’t even firmly believe in God, until 20 minutes into a double workout day that is (I guess). Then when the workout was done it felt silly, but it was interesting, it’s been awhile since anything drove me to blaming God…

If there is a God I don’t know how it would make sense for me to blame them for Shaun T’s crazy double workout day, and God would probably want me to meditate or pray, I doubt God forced me to do T25 and laughs and laughs while I struggle through the push ups the day after my husband and I had a 1 minute push up challenge. I did 34 with the best form I could, I hesitated once, so in one month we both are doing it again as to only measure the improvement and not the amount to see who wins. And if I win I will get a slice of flan. Which I could just buy myself pretty easily, or even make, it’s not too hard as long as you are willing to use condensed milk…

We’ve been watching “Little House on the Prairie” I really enjoyed it as a child, I stayed up reading the books under the covers with a flash light so my parents wouldn’t know I wasn’t sleeping. I finished the books in 1 or 2 days, that’s somewhere around 200 pages a day, which is good enough for me, to me. I’m sure there are faster readers, but I don’t want to go any faster than that, because I really enjoy the books, I wouldn’t want them over any faster than that. Little House on the Prairie shames me about my distant relationship with God, yet it also is what it is, I can’t manufacture a faith I don’t have no matter how cool, convenient or socially acceptable it may possibly be. Yet I guess somewhere there is an emotional faith in God for me to be able to blame them for my workout being hard.

Another uncommon thing, I got hit in the eye with a 1 lb weight during a workout this week (during Rip-T-Circuit). My son hit me, I picked him up, put him in the other room, shut the door and went back to the workout… I felt really cool, like the Aztec warrior from Apocalypto. Children you can take social life, you can take my career, you can take my eye shape, but you can never take my workout.

Getting hit by a weight was a bit painful, but it was also the most moment excitement of 2020. Did not see that coming at all.

I did take the “after” ab photo and put it on the website for my home work out videos, which I had to make because otherwise my kids press stop on the keyboard to mess with me, so using the website allows me to use the TV which they can’t yet turn off… it was a cute picture, those are so rare I have to admit I’m happy. I really wanted a cute wedding picture and didn’t get one, so I’m happy to have a cute picture for something.

At this point I feel really in shape and it’s a good feeling. It’s not about being attractive for me in this moment, but being in shape does make me feel that I’m mentally strong (like a Bear Grylls that is stuck indoors, is a mom, and isn’t famous). I’m enjoying having a lot more energy so I am enjoying a coffee here and there, but I feel like I could take it or leave it… I’m enjoying having the strength to carry my 4 year old when I feel like it. My stamina carrying my 1 year old isn’t even in question, it’s not a problem. It used to be, so I should be more excited for that, yet I’m not. It’s weird which things are impressive to myself, or which things I’m really honestly grateful for. I guess I expect to be able to carry the 1 year old and not the 4 year old? There have been times I really felt worn down carrying the 1 year old, but I guess it doesn’t seem impressive for a mom to be able to carry a baby…

The mental journey is still the most important aspect of exercising (to me):

My body is a friend, it carries me so far and asks so little in return, I have made peace with what it needs and respecting what it can and can’t give.
– (I) Bubble Gum Monkey 🐒

WEEK 1 T25: 64 I’m building a lot of trust in myself to follow through.

FINANCIAL TRANSFORMATION

I’m not a financial advisor, but I feel like finances are part of our being in this modern world.

It wasn’t a happy week in investments nor personal finance. The $4.65 I was so proud of is gone and I’m $14.65 down.

I could have possibly sold earlier, but I didn’t know the pretty decent market would suddenly sour. I perhaps should have locked in my earnings by selling instead of holding, but I didn’t. Now I would rather hold to sell at a gain later or to break even later, so I’m just taking a loosing ride.

It helps me understand the pain my husband feels. We went on a nice hike once, when we came back he had lost $4,000. I though of him as overly materialistic, now that I lost my carefully earned $4.65 I understand the way he feels more. It seems silly to be upset when other people loose money, but it’s a different animal if it’s your loss. It’s not much about money and more about loosing the confidence you have skills and cunning as an investor.

FAMILY TRANSFORMATION

We are acting as a team and it feels so much more possible to do a good enough job now.

Perhaps a combination of 3 things was the perfect stew to help me.

Watching Nanny 911 taught me how many families fail to work as a team, what it looks like to be undermined, that I was undermined, that it’s possible for a family to run smoothly, how to fix a family.
Rachel Norman’s “Mom Away from Home Blog” email class gave me permission to be myself. For a long time I wanted to be a different mom, perhaps the one I wanted to have, and I couldn’t. Like when you join a soccer team, you may be the best forward, or maybe you are a great goalie, but not a good forward. I played full back better than the other spots, but I didn’t know about it until I tried a few places. In rugby I was started as a wing, then moved to right flank when someone’s ankle got sprained and it fit me like a glove… In American football I trained as the wide receiver and back up quarterback, but was only ever good as a linebacker. In my family I expected to be very fun, very kind, but I’m not really. I am constant, helpful, protective, supportive, encouraging, but my husband is the fun and kind one that I’m not. Rachel Norman helped me find myself as the calm mother and stop trying to be someone I’m not.
Little House on the Prairie, the books and the show are the only “healthy” double parent family I “know”. I’m from a divorced family that didn’t “stay friends” or “divorce well,” I’m from the more traditional “broken home” kind of family, but most people I know aren’t any better. It would be fine to pat ourselves on the back for staying together in a dysfunctional manner, but I’m trying to do better, to actually build respect and team work and seeing it modeled helps. Since my husband watches it with me, it gives us a loose common ground. Sure it’s outdated and adapted for TV (though based on Laura’s real life), but it’s the best we can do so far.

SOUL TRANSFORMATION

Actually reading two books together, it’s kind of amazing. Yes it is crazy, the ideas do get all mixed up, it does change the experience. It hurts so good.

Listened to F*ck No! by Sarah Knight and Beyond Boundaries by John Townsend.

I’ve got no guilt, no fear, no susceptibility to their puppy dog eyes, no patience for their bullshit.
– Sarah Knight

Sarah recommends being blunt, firm, saucy with kids, it sounds fun.

John recommends have two sets of boundaries, ones to protect you from other people violating your boundaries and one for when you are ready to build trust again.

The books go together well for me, it’s funny to have one book swearing and one kind of Churchy, but the content goes well, one is about protecting your boundaries and the other is about when to stop guarding and let people in again, it’s like a sword and shield combination.

When the sword is your only skill… there is a lot you can’t do well. Behind the coolness “live by the sword, die by the sword” ends with, “die by the sword.”

MENTAL TRANSFORMATION

Went to the outside part of the aquarium today. You know who is having a blast during COVID? Seals are. They live in the same aquarium as seemingly bored fish and penguins, but they choose to have a blast.

Mentally it was nice to take the day off I earned to visit the aquarium. I noticed the other kids asking parents when things would be normal and parents not having an answer. I think all of us are now aware that we have no idea if and when we can stop wearing masks in our area or when everything will open again or if it ever will. We all now know that we don’t know. It’s a little less awkward to scramble for the answer from the news that lied to us about knowing so many times… now we just don’t even answer the kids. We know, we don’t know, and they already know we don’t know, they even know we know we don’t know now.

We wear masks because they make us wear them, not so people won’t get sick, for whatever reason people are still getting sick in our area. What can we do to help? Nothing much. We were already washing hands so… that’s not new for us. Staying at home? We did do that and it did not help in our area… so what can we do? Us, nothing in particular. What did we do to cause this? Us, nothing in particular. Do we like it? Nope. Do we wear our masks? Yup. Because we think it helps? Nope. Because it’s the rules? Yup. It’s getting more mundane, and less shocking, frightening, horrible. Slowly.

I’ve noticed that happiness is found in the same places as bitterness or boredom. It’s not that a normal person should be expected to be happy all the time, yet when we fully allow ourselves the little things as they come instead of rejecting joy because it looks silly, or we are older, or people are looking, or some people are suffering, that joy is so healing, it’s so energizing, it can be used for good. Fun isn’t all evil or a waste of time, it really matters the context, the amount, the activity, there isn’t a valid case against being happy in 2020. It’s hard sometimes, but there is no reason to make it hard when it isn’t.

ONE WEEK IN LIFE IN SUMMARY

Body – Having success anywhere in life right now makes me feel really good about myself.

Finances – It’s been a rough week and it’s not as fun loosing as gaining, yet it does give me a common hobby with my husband and a new challenge in life, overall investing has been a positive experience still.

Family – School has been going well. As I really pare down in toys and transition into minimalism I see us doing more activities together and trying new things, going outside to the back yard, or going out more often than we did when we had more. The less we have the more we make, do and learn, the more we play music, the more we play together. Today a programming, electronic kit came in the mail, tomorrow we will start it. I don’t think I would have the mental energy if I was still cleaning up my kids toy’s for them. I’m so close to living by the rule I said we had, that they must clean the toys they want to have. I see them appreciating what they have, playing with each other and being very creative in how they play since we have less toys (mostly unwanted ones we felt guilty to get rid of).

Soul – I’m starting to open myself up to life after being hurt I didn’t get into medical school and also hurt by my husband’s criticisms and human errors over time. I decided to stay long ago, but without really forgiving him, it’s going to be a process, but I’m ready to learn and start slowly.

Mind – My personality changed to the Advocate. I feel a bit more than I think now. Which is good, since supposedly feeling is the highest form of thinking, so maybe I can make some better decisions possibly.