Lokahi = Life Balance

There is a legend Lao Tzu looked at a turtle in a pond and understood the entire universe. That’s how I feel in this moment.

Perhaps I don’t understand the entire universe “in detail,” but I have a tighter grasp on the contents of my limited section of the universe than I ever had before.

I in understanding myself a few weeks ago, can finally place myself into the world I see through my lens.

Survival Mode = Animal Mode

I’m a creature making it from one coffee to another, some days needing more rest than others, cooking and washing dishes like everyone else, very similar to all other people and many other animals in many of my waking and sleeping hours each day. 8 hours of sleep + 3 hours of grooming/eating/cooking = 11 hours we are essentially quite similar you and I (and everyone).

Society Mode = Human Mode

Within society I am a parent who teaches (and to me a teacher who parents) and that roll takes a lot of the remaining energy, time and money. I teach exercise 1 hour + technology (reading, writing, math, computer science, general science) 2-3 hours = 3-4 hours. In this way we maybe exactly the same or completely different. But it’s very understandable to you, even if you never do it, because it’s within the global societal standards of what people should be doing, it’s named, it’s defined, it’s expected.

Just now some ants were seeking sustenance on my coffee cup (since it had a cracker wrapper in it), I killed them in the sink, because they bite my son and I while we sleep and I don’t choose to take them out far enough for them to not be a threat, nor be bitten awake… when I was a girl it would have been hard for me to kill them, actually I would have taken them outside, but I also would have probably lost focus outside and done something else. Anyways… I didn’t hate them for doing what they were doing, just value the broken sleep I get very highly and their lives very little.

Purpose Mode = Individual Mode

Friends and goals, the pandemic changed the way I do both, but I found it impossible to live without them, so they both changed, but couldn’t be postponed indefinably without a huge loss of life quality.

All three modes are valid, survival mode is a prerequisite to being able to do the other two, contributing to society is often worthwhile, though it’s hard to see the big picture enough to understand the impact we have on a day to day basis, even when it isn’t, it’s required for most of us to have the resources to pursue our survival and individual pursuits.

Some Tech Learning

So a few articles back I had a problem with resolution, I believe I was using JPEG and got this exact problem… one thing that led me to JPEG was the smaller file size, the top graphic from today was either 89 KB in JPEG or 994 KB in PNG.

It takes 100 times more data to store a clear image, but a clear image is what I want in this case.

If people don’t have fast enough internet they will not load your content, so having smaller files = faster loading time and less loss of human traffic. Yet it’s not worth it to have images that are blurry, to me it’s more of a problem with text and small text than with pictures with no text.

I drew a little picture today with the Pixel Studio app.

This little picture takes 15 KB in PNG form. Because it’s very small. 16×16 pixels, it called “Sanguine Soul.” I’m pretty proud of it, even though it’s simple and small. It’s the first time I’ve done pixel art since 1994, when I got Mario Paint and it feels good. It’s an interesting art form to me, it’s the basis for the more realistic images represented on computers.

Unfortunate Truths

Me and the kids together for 186 days, without our normal fun outlets and the help I used to get from my family, has led to a very ugly malaise, where I simply do not have any remaining empathy for whining about petty events that my daughter would like to be pampered about. If I never heard her whine again, I think it would be okay with me at this point.

I would have thought it wouldn’t matter because I intend to home school anyways, but it does, it takes away all the joy. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and stay at home orders makes me hate the cr*p out of the normal idiosyncrasies of my own family.

It’s like being waterboarded by whining, the first thousand times you want to be kind and patient, the next thousand you silently wonder if you should have had kids, day 186 you tell your four-year-old you regret having kids and apologize to them that they are in the situation with you now.

When Life Balance Goes Wrong

That goes back to the whole life balance issue, the problem is not that kids whine, that kids or jobs need things, the problem is when they don’t stop needing things for a reasonable amount of time so sanity can be maintained.

It’s not the problem that kids are stupid, needy, whiny, and bratty, it’s when they don’t take a little break to play blocks so one can have a glass of water uninterrupted.

I can’t metaphorically “breathe” anymore, I’m not having a panic attack, I’m not having anxiety, I just hate this sh*t too much by now.

Staying with my kids for 186 days is like hiking the South Pole, the same landscape of whining and bullsh*t, every day is a mundane struggle, no nice view at the top like Everest. It’s so unexciting, it’s so unrewarding, it’s so uninteresting, it’s so unending.

You know it must be hedonistic adaptation that makes it so painful.

We take for granted the good we have, the good I have has stayed almost 100% the same. Although I’ve gotten better with gratitude, I’ve noticed new things are easier to be grateful for than the same things. Lately every little thing has been the same, thus, I lost hold of gratitude.

I didn’t want to be honest about how ugly my authentic feelings have become, so I didn’t acknowledge them, even to myself, thus I didn’t even begin to deal with them.

Initially, I was very mindful about how hard this must be on the kids, but over time I just got exhausted from telling them things will open someday and we can help people stay well by staying at home, I never loved the situation, but it became more infuriating and less amusingly different each day until today I mentally cracked a bit, a lot really.

Today I went from a “how can I help you get through this my little sweet angels” attitude to a “stop fuc*ing with me during this bullsh*t or I will end you” attitude. Something I’m known for… I have a wonderfully long fuse, but a horribly ugly temper, I’m not proud of it, but there is no point to lying about it.

Me: I want to quit teaching these kids.

Response: (But you are at home)

Me: F*ck! Well get these kids out of here at least!

Response: (But they are your kids and they live here)

Me: F*ck!

Response: (But you can enjoy a fun Netflix show!)

Me: That stopped being fun over five months ago, I now want to shoot the models in the safer at home commercials… I can just say that publicly because they don’t have enough room in the jails for all of us that now feel that way. By now they only have room enough for the people left over with positive attitudes.

I’m officially giving me permission to not be happy about the stay at home conditions any more at all. That feels really good. I’m not going to work my way back towards a good attitude, if I do have a good attitude it will be about something else, I’m just fully approving and allowing my hate of the stay at home.

HATE OF STAYING AT HOME COMPLETELY APPROVED

No thank you Gavin, your early quarantine did not do wonders for flattening the curve. Two weeks can only be stretched a few months further until I hate and distrust you forever, maybe say you don’t know how long when you don’t know how long instead of saying two weeks every two weeks like you owe someone money you know you don’t have? I will for sure never vote for you, and if possible I will trap you with my kids for the same amount of days you trapped me and see how well you survive it (not really the second part, but really about the first part).

Interestingly enough as soon as I let the anger, hate, and resentment out, I was able to access some gratitude behind that. I could just delete the angry comments and pretend that I’m not all angry sometimes, but why?

Perhaps it’s a thing, that holding resentment blocks gratitude like plaque blocks blood flow in an artery causing a heart attack or stroke?

There is plenty I like about COVID America, food at the store (not the annoying masks), water at the store (not the annoying closures), the strong possibility of a functional economy in the future (sure we’ve been off work, but some people who used to get social security checks, won’t be any longer… so maybe dead people paid those other people to stay at home angrily for a few months? Woo?). I still like the roads. I still like the functional wifi. I still like the pretty high chance I won’t be imprisoned for no reason, with no explanation, indefinitely, because I look like a terrorist. I still like a lot of things about you COVID America, defiantly not your pandemic prevention nor management skills, but plenty of other things. I guess I owe you an apology.

AMERICA NOT TO BLAME FOR PANDEMIC

BATS PRETTY CLEARLY TO BLAME

🦇

“Cough”