PHYSICAL TRANSFORMATION

So, I’ve been sharing my exercise videos with some family and friends for some time, but in case I ever want to do that on a smaller scale (larger size is actually smaller scale, it’s counter intuitive because it gets used wrong often, but think about it a map with a 100 mile scale shows a large area in little detail and a map with a 1 mile scale shows a small area in detail… Professor Mendoza explained it to me, and I can’t go back now) I will have to make my own videos, because other wise the copy right police (the FBI I think) will hunt me down for sharing videos too much.

It feels crazy to say I think God wants me to make exercise videos in a banana costume, but I do have that feeling that it’s the right step for me in this moment. I see a lot of bloggers own their feelings of what they feel God wants them to do, I never fully realized how much courage that takes until now that I’m going through it. I don’t know if it takes me more, because I think is my path doesn’t sound as expected or if it is just always difficult.

I’ve got to be authentically homosexual.

I’ve got to serve the lord unabashedly.

I’ve got to teach exercise in a banana costume. ✅

Funny which are weird and which aren’t. In my opinion they should all be okay, whatever you are, you are, whatever you feel, you feel.

Anyways, my next step in exercise is to become an instructor and leader. I’m already in shape, I’ve already taught martial arts and Qi Gong, but those were easier, because I had certificates, I had training, this time there is no permission, no blessing, but it is more exciting to me to try to do something in my own way.

The mental journey is still the most important aspect of exercising (to me):

WEEK 2 T25: Beta Mode, I’m digging deeper into myself, for no reason other than that it feels right. I don’t care about looking better, I’m pretty healthy, I have energy, I’m pushing myself to see how far I can push myself to my limit (not past my limit).

I did a push up contest with my husband, how many can we do in 1 minute, in a month we are doing a retake and the difference between us and us will be the count. I set the rules like that because I thought I would loose in a straight count… I got 34. But I know I could have done 35. There was a few seconds of hesitation, not fatigue. Fatigue would have been fine, but it wasn’t fatigue, it was self doubt, it was something else. So I set the bar pretty high for myself the first time, but I think I can improve by at least 1 the second time. My husband held back a lot only doing 30 because he just wanted to do more than me and he didn’t think I would even do 30… so he will probably be able to do 5 or more, more, but I don’t really care about beating him, as long as I beat “me”.

Exercise is my strongest area in life, that’s why I feel the need to find myself as a leader there, where I am strong. If I can’t find courage there, it will be hard to find it in parenting, in marriage, where I am weak.

My goal is to help people push past excuses about why they “can’t exercise” more than to be the best or have perfect videos, it’s about bringing fun to what doesn’t need to be a boring activity, it’s about trying to help those who don’t feel they already have a good fit somewhere else to get in shape that suits them… the Jim Gaffigans. My metric of success is quite specific, I want to help Jim Gaffigan get in better shape for health, I don’t know him, I’m not sure that I’ll be able to achieve that goal, but:

A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at.

– Bruce Lee

Jim said in a comedy special, that he knows it only takes 20 minutes a day, but it’s hard to find time to exercise when, “you don’t want to exercise”. I take it as a personal challenge to try to make it more enjoyable, if not for him, hopefully for someone? Even myself? But since my journey of Mark Manson’s 100 blog post challenge is already over I find myself needing something new. I think 100 video exercise journals will be my second challenge to myself. I guess I am competitive, but only with myself.

FINANCIAL TRANSFORMATION

I’m $3.95 down from my previous high, but I did make $4.78 that I didn’t have prior to investing… which hour by hour is the lowest paying job I’ve ever had… I worked at a doughnut store for $5 an hour, but I never worked 3 weeks for $4.78 before. Perhaps investing isn’t the best job for me? I think I would have done better envelope stuffing or doing data entry.

But it has changed my relationship with money, I like money more now. I no longer demonize it, I no longer blame it for things it didn’t do.

I had NIO for awhile, but I bought high (at $19) so when I did sell at $20 I made about $4… which is what it is… but I could have bought in at $18 if I checked in all day waiting for a low, but it’s not worth it for me personally.

I didn’t like the ride I had with NIO so I traded when it was a gain and not a loss and grabbed Color Star again, which is more my style. It was at $0.78 and I was able to get 100 shares, it typically goes to $1.50 at least, so I think it will head back up and I’ll sell it if it gets to $1.50 and rethink what I want then. The market is so shaky and I’m risk adverse so I’d rather sell when I can then hold and risk loosing all the gains (small that they are).

My husband is a better investor than I am, but I find a certain satisfaction to picking my own stocks, I’ll add his recommendations to my watch list, but I have more fun learning and choosing on my own than doing a micro copy of what he has. Plus since he has more money he chooses Tesla when I don’t have that option.

Having stocks can be a lot of fun, I don’t consider it gambling, the money helps the companies to run. The possible loss is like gambling, but it’s different, the process allows companies doing a good job to keep growing. I’m not the hugest fan of capitalism, but to me the stock market is the upside of capitalism, if I have to live with the down side of capitalism against my will, why not enjoy the upside as well?

I could probably help our family’s finances more by reviewing our budget or lack of one… than with my stocks, but at least stocks are healing some negativity I had for a long long time about money.

FAMILY TRANSFORMATION

My aunt believes it’s impossible to love unconditionally, that only Jesus was capable of that.

I don’t believe that for me…

I’ve felt a lot of what I consider to be unconditional love for my children and even for my husband during our first two years.

I do know it’s not possible for me to feel like that all the time, but I believe it’s possible and a lot more simple than people make it.

I feel a bit bad for my aunt, because I think she really believes it isn’t possible for anyone minus Jesus, and I think her children have all never felt it from her.

I never felt it from either parent as well.

But I think my children have felt it from me.

I don’t know if I need to put an asterisk on it: unconditional love* (*as provided from a non-Jesus source)… I don’t think so.

My mom’s family and my dad’s family were both very different, but the lack of a feeling of unconditional love was similar.

Which is sad, because I think it’s what kids want more than anything else in the world (perhaps what adults want most also?).

I’ve done a lot of things wrong as a parent, but love is one thing I don’t think was wrong. Also not being able to love.

It seems that you can only give as much love as you have and you can’t be in debt for owing love you don’t have in the moment, yet it seems like a gift to a child that never fails to nourish their soul.

I’m not from a wealthy background, we most likely won’t be paying for our kids college or cars, but I think the effect of that will be very little on their overall sense of well being and even success compared to the lack or presence of love.

I see many parents that struggle to love their children (especially older children) I think it is because we don’t give ourselves permission to love “as much as we can” and “imperfectly”. It’s as if we don’t want to download the file, because we don’t have enough mental memory available to love infinatly.

Unconditionally doesn’t have to be infinitely, a moment of unconditional love is better than no moments of it.

It may be that we have to learn to love ourselves first, I hated myself when my daughter was born for failing to do the things I said I would. I wasn’t able to love her the way I am able to love my son now. But I don’t think it was about her vs him. I think it is about me now vs me then.

When I forgave myself for not being the perfect person ie failing to go to medical school, not having the perfect life before kids ie not having the beautiful house with a garden in the country side, it was only then that I could love anyone at all. I don’t know if it is like that for everyone, but it was like that for me.

If you have trouble loving unconditionally, perhaps you need to give yourself room to make mistakes trying it?

I never fought with my aunt about it. I don’t want to be like “na na na na na” I love my children unconditionally and it’s not that hard! I don’t know how to bring it up “tactfully” with her at this point.

But it was a really valuable thing for her to write to me in a letter, because my dad is very much like her and he would never vocalize it as clearly as to why he never loved me that way. I guess in his family they were taught it’s impossible, and how many of us try the impossible we are taught not to try?

There is a story about tying a rope to a baby elephant, that it will pull and pull to get away, but if the rope holds, the tiny rope will hold the adult elephant, because they will not test it again.

I think it’s true (but I have no actually elephant experience).

I would then challenge you, if you want to be smarter than an elephant don’t forget to challenge the rope sometimes.

Sometimes the things your families teach you in love, mistakenly hold you back much more than the government, the economy, the status quo, racism or sexism, most often it’s the ropes our families put on us that tether us where we don’t want to be anymore, but that isn’t spoken about on the news much (family crushes artistic dream with silent criticisms, culinary school dreams crushed by laughter, dreams of getting in shape undermined by constant doubt and ridicule of family members).

SOUL TRANSFORMATION

I had a baby and a strong willed child and I knew it wasn’t time to learn to cook at the same time. But now my baby is a toddler and my strong willed child has become medium willed so I think it’s time now.

I think in terms of 25 minute blocks since I am in love with my 25 minute exercise videos. So I’ll call it C25, cooking for 25 minutes… but I think that’s where I need to hit next in life.

1. Choose the area that causes the most chaos.
2. Brainstorm solutions and try them on.
3. Journal or talk out what’s going on.
4. Go with your temperament.
_
1. We need even BETTER meal planning and meal prep habits.
2. We need to take even BETTER care of ourselves.
3. We need to get rid of a bunch of junk instead of letting it all pile up.

– Rachel Norman (Stress and Overwhelm Breakthroughs Class) Her Blog

Meals actually don’t cause me the most chaos, but I probably hate them the most… maybe she doesn’t use the word hate as freely as me, but either way I’ll choose meals.

1. Meals.
2. Cook stuff in large batches, stew, curry, whatever… just keep trying to cook something either I or the kids like. Spaghetti.
3. I want to have a cooler meal selection than stew, curry, spaghetti, but I think that’s almost all I can cook and I don’t feel like chili right now… so maybe I should just go with what I can do and add more things when it’s possible? (I can also make Miso soup!) Maybe miso soup tofu lunches? And stew, curry, spaghetti dinners?
4. I’m a calm person, but sensitive to my husband complaining about my cooking, I don’t know what to do about that yet. But I can work on cooking for myself and the kids, try to reward myself when I cook the whole week with a dessert on Saturday.

1. Meal plan: BREAKFAST Oatmeal, blueberries. LUNCH Tofu, Miso. DINNER Stew > Curry > Spaghetti.
2. Take better care of myself (Google that later).
3. Declutter, yay! I do this on Monday, it gets done already.

There was a time I liked my own cooking, a long time ago, a lot of trauma between my husband and I not having the same culinary preferences has kind of put a wet blanket on that, I want to shake it off, I can’t not let it get to me, it did get to me, so I suppose I’ll have to heal from it and rehab my confidence about cooking, but I don’t want to let him be right that I can’t cook, it’s not fair to the kids and myself, he can eat those words, but I won’t make the kids suffer because he likes to be hateful and I am sensitive. I’ll pick myself up and get back in the kitchen to spite him.

MENTAL TRANSFORMATION

Just finished the book “Beyond Boundaries” it says I don’t have to be openhearted and forgiving when people refuse to honor my boundaries or when they are not seeking forgiveness, that it’s right to be protective about myself when others are hurtful.

It’s good to feel like that it’s okay to be hurt. I thought I had to forgive every mean things as they happened, but I don’t.

I can forgive whenever I choose to, whatever I choose to forgive.

Not that I don’t want to, but it doesn’t make sense to forgive something ongoing, it makes sense to forgive something over.

So until my husband stops being retardedly mean and critical I’m not going to shame myself for being hurt, for not forgiving, I’ll forgive him when and if he stops that. My kids and my husband have pushed past what is fair and decent very often because I’m so calm, they go as far as they can and at a point it becomes my fault for not stopping them. I thought I wouldn’t have to stop someone I loved from disrespecting my feelings pretty clearly, but I pretty clearly have to if I want it to stop, because my family is full of line crossers. These sheep won’t go back into the pen without some shepherding.

So I’m a bit bitter about all the cooking related verbal abuse over the years, but I’m not willing to take the mental energy to deal with it today. I’ve got a lot on my plate already. So I acknowledge it, and I’ll get to that repair work when I have a bit less on my plate, but I’m choosing to table it for today.

ONE WEEK IN LIFE IN SUMMARY

Body – Looking to take it to the next level and start B25 Banana Exercise 25.

Finances – It’s nice to be recovering, I don’t think I’ll become a very serious investor, but I want to keep experimenting and learning without abandoning it from the beginning.

Family – When family runs well it’s both gratifying and also scary, because it gives me space to turn to my own goals and identity and that’s more threatening than when I have to constantly attend to a diaper change ext. My son seems to be nearly ready to wean and that is very emotional, my daughter was semi-forced off at 4-years-old, but my son seems like he will be naturally done about 2 (coming soon), so that my time with babies is coming to a close (my son will be our last) so that is a bittersweet event on the horizon. As the kids put away baby activities they have outgrown I see their confidence and individuality grow, nothing wrong with baby things, but I see they naturally reach a graduation point and a progression of self growth that they are internally excited about with or without us pushing them towards.

Soul – I’m starting to open myself up to whatever life brings me, I’m not saying I don’t have preferences of what I would like to happen, but I’m more open minded about taking what does come now more than ever.

Mind – Interestingly as I love more sincerely, and unabashedly I also set boundaries easier, and as I set boundaries I love more. That was counter intuitive for me. Perhaps my husband’s criticism does only hurt when I mirror the dark unaccepted side of my own soul in my own mind and therefore cause my own hurt, but also “stop that”. New family policy: if you don’t like my food, don’t eat it, and if you do eat it, don’t complain to me. No thank you constant complaining about me doing my best, thank you keep your criticism to yourself, when I didn’t ask, this isn’t Chopped, there is only one wife in this family, I’ve already won (kind of… depending on what your view of marriage is).

THANK YOU READERS

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.‎

– Oscar Wilde

For better or worse, you are the best you the world will ever have. We are all depending on you to be you. Thank you, for being you. There is a lot of happiness in accepting who you are and owning it, it’s not that easy, but you have to carry who you are either as debt or profit, you can’t get rid of you, no matter how hard you try. Today, I thank you for being you, and remind you, you are the best you ever, really. No one can ever take that from you (but also you can never escape from it either).

Thank you so much for being you, I think you are a person who likes to strive to be better, I’m guessing that because that’s what I write about a lot, so that’s what you are mostly reading here, but just because you like to strive to be better doesn’t mean you aren’t also good enough in the moment, I think you are great, just as you are, your presence here has always been kind and encouraging to me and I’m guessing you are another kind soul at the core, but if not, that’s fine too, it takes all of us to make this world what it is and what it could be.

🍌

I DIDN’T STOP

It’s been about three weeks, I missed two posts, yet didn’t stop decluttering. I let go of my son’s crawling mats, that was a big thing. Very glad they went to his baby cousin, they were treasured, yet unneeded in our current life.

It’s hard to describe the feeling of letting them go, bittersweet? As I let go of the crawling mats I let go of my baby stuck as a baby in my mind.

It felt right, but not cheerful, triumphant, but not happy, satisfying, but not pleasant. It felt like one chapter closing, and I guess I always hate good byes.

We have been getting rid of many toys, I’ve been trying to keep up, but since I have to oversee the toys somewhat, that has drained my time and energy even though the items were not mine.

TODAY

I let go of some cheery wall decals we have had since my daughter was born, that was even more sentimental than the mats. I’d like to rebuy the set and keep them for my daughter for the future, they were only about $10 each.

I let go of some blank journals my sister sent, we are moving more and more digital with less and less paper. Even the kids use the electronic draw pad pen we got now. (I’m learning slower than I hoped, but faster than I feared to use Krita and Sketch Apps with my Chromebook and the tablet).

DIGITAL BLENDING WITH PHYSICAL

Actually my daughter’s computer I almost always use broke, then I fixed the one I was about to throw away, which my son had broke. I felt very triumphant when I was able to fix it by copying Tech Guru on YouTube and just following the same steps.

Now my daughter’s computer needs the system OS replaced from a 8GB USB stick I don’t have… so that will take time, but I’m proud I at least fixed one.

MENTAL BLENDING WITH PHYSICAL

I threw away the notion I can’t fix computers or learn tech this week.

I threw away the idea I can’t repaint our walls (despite my husband not wanting to do so) this week. Somehow the thought of repainting gives me hope for the future.

I let go of a broken pink pen I liked.

I let go of a small blue sachel that was pretty, but unneeded in the moment.

I let go of a poorly designed punching bag for kids.

HOUSE HOLD BLENDING WITH MY INDIVIDUALITY

My daughter let go of a stuffed dog, the stuffed dino we wrote a book about last year, a doll she never liked, and a few other toys.

HABITS BLENDING WITH ITEMS

I let go of my Linux operating system on my Chromebook to make room for my daughter’s supplemental school app, Adventure Academy. In doing so I got rid of Rimworld also, the game I sometimes binge on for months and then abandon for months. I wonder if I’m done binge gaming forever or just for now? I really wish I could find a way to play for 20 minutes or an hour, but for some reason it never happens. If all I have is 20 minutes or an hour I just do something else.

THE HARDEST THING

The hardest thing was my daughter getting rid of the stuffed dino, Little Tree Eater, even though it wasn’t mine. I could have kept it for me, but it didn’t seem right in the moment. It would seem like I didn’t respect my daughter’s right to let things go out of our lives.

Even my little boy (1.5-years-old) discarded some stuffed toys into a bag (a fox toy I would have kept, a dog, a dino), I hope he understood, but it really seemed like he did, he said “all done.”

FINDING MY TALENT

I was really inspired by the Digital Chicken Maker, I mentioned that and they encouraged me to keep looking for what I was good at doing no matter how niche it was. I think it might be leading exercise videos in a banana costume, but I’m not sure at this point.

A NEW HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

As I let go of the decals I felt ready to live in the space in a new way, ready to move here, ready to repaint, redecorate, hope for the future again.

My husband and I had some uncomfortable talks about being in a small space with a growing family, him wanting to not buy furniture, me wanting to not wait to buy a loft bed… but the uncomfortable talks were better than both of us having the tension of the uncomfortable differences as the elephant in the room everyday.

I noticed a lot more what my kids like to play in watching which toys could be let go of, I learned about my husband more from talking. He isn’t so visible from the surface, he is more like an iceberg.

I love our son’s car bed, I thought my husband hated it, but from talking I learned he likes it too, he just doesn’t like feeling that we don’t have space.

I don’t think it’s the car bed’s fault our rooms are small, they just are small. When we moved where we live now without any kids, it was small, when we moved into a regular apartment, for the stuff we had, the conflicting furniture and personalities and hobbies we had, it was small. So, it’s been small then we downsized twice, then we doubled in population, so it feels small because it is very small. A very small amount of living space, that in our area is somewhat standard for average people.

Marie Kondo said there are two reasons you don’t get rid of things you don’t need or want, 1. Fear for the future or 2. Attachment to the past.

This week I’ve let go of the past quite a bit as well as moving towards hope for the future. Three weeks ago I wasn’t so afraid of the future, I wasn’t so attached to the past, yet I wasn’t excited for the future, I wasn’t letting go of the past… now I am, I don’t know if it’s because I’m fully embracing minimalism now or if it’s because I’m further along the Kon Mari journey, but I’ve never been as excited for the future as I am now. Which is weird. But my family was so very paranoid that it wasn’t any more gloomy when I grew up with them then it is now during this actual plague.

MY MINDSET 3 WEEKS AGO:

FOR TWO WEEKS:

THIS WEEK:

Love people, use things.

– Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus (The Minimalist)

So, I came to that place where it was time to decide if in real life behind closed doors am I a minimalist or am I a spartan kind of normal consumer, and when I gave myself the freedom to pick either, to not mind going back on the image I feel like I portray it may not surprise you to know I’m actually a minimalist.

I’m not sure exactly what that will entail, I don’t have a number target, to me as a member of a four person family, as a home schooler, it doesn’t make sense to me to nit pick to get to 40 items or 100 items, that doesn’t feel like the next phase for me, but the space I can create, a space with some breathing room, that is more important. It’s almost about the empty space more than the items now.

I don’t know that one can’t focus on people over things without letting go of things, but for me it has been the easier road. For me every bag of old items we didn’t need led me 1% towards discovering my priorities and identity at a core level, it’s helped me see my kids for who they are and not for who I want them to be, it’s done a lot towards me enjoying how I spend my days (right now, not someday).

I made the first good dinner I ever made yesterday, but served it today for lunch. My daughter was so happy, she said “wow, you cooked something very good for the first time,” it was true. I wasn’t mad at all, because it was true. The time I don’t spend picking up toys gives me more patience with washing dishes, cooking, laundry, setting up school.

It’s what I need. I need so few toys that the kids can handle cleaning them. My parents didn’t clean my toys and I don’t want to clean my children’s toys. My daughter gets overwhelmed, so that means very few toys, that’s what works for her, that’s what works for me, that’s what works for us, though it took me a long time to not feel guilty that we are much different than my husband’s sibling’s families.

We don’t have as much stuff, because I don’t like it, but also we have much more time together, we are toys in one another’s lives to some extent and I think that gets lost really easily.

PEACE

Our home isn’t perfect, but there is more peacefulness now than I remember ever being here before.

THE FUTURE

What I have left a green bucket of small items, a red box in the kitchen and some random strays. Short term if I keep going 5 items a week, I think I’ll be done this year without any crazy or difficult pushes. I’ll aim for December 31st again this year, that means I can kind of savor the letting go instead of struggle.

THE PRESENT

Yesterday I understood myself more than in the past, that I’m a person who struggles, but is able to triumph over the basics of survival (sleep, water, cooking), I am a person who likes to push myself to see what I can do, I am a person who has a love hate relationship with kids and teaching (not the love love relationship that is socially acceptable for a mom).

Do not worry about tomorrow finishing Kon Mari, for tomorrow finishing Kon Mari will worry about itself. Each day week has enough trouble clutter of its own.

Matthew 6:34 > Bubble Gum Monkey’s non-offensive reflection about de-cluttering.

I’m think there will be an end, I think that I will hit the Kon Mari point someday soon and it will be real.

Once we knew what mattered, it was easy to part with what didn’t.

Because we knew who we wanted to be and what we are called to do, we had guidelines to attach to what had to leave and what could stay.

– Lisa Yvonne

Lisa Yvone helped me a lot psychologically, it’s not that I’m going to serve Jesus unreservedly after I’m done, but I do want to be able to serve my dream of writing, of teaching my kids art, of fostering a learning environment, of having a peaceful refuge for all of our family to unwind, a place where my husband and I can relax and talk.

My mission isn’t her mission, but her mission somehow made mine easier to find.

My Mission for Our Home: 1. Calm writing space. 2. Simple art space. 3. Protected learning space. 4. Peaceful refuge for all of our family to unwind. 4. Cozy place where my husband and I can relax and talk.

Interesting that both my husband’s sisters are going more minimalist than before as well, maybe it’s a thing? We all moved that way separately, I didn’t convince them… maybe moms are tiered of picking up mountains of junk in America?

THE PAST

The first step in the Kon Mari process is imagining an ideal life, then examining 👒 clothes, 📚 books, 📃 papers, 💻 everything else, still everything else 📌 and 💎 mementos. It’s an interesting process, I’ve done it a few times an it’s always surprising how much I have that I’m unaware I have and how much lighter I feel when the clutter leaves my life. I’m further in now than ever before, I feel my mindset changing a lot through the process now, it’s both freeing and also a bit taxing.

ONE PUZZLE SOLVED

I feel lighter when I let go of items, because I am lighter. Mass has gravity, all masses act on all other masses, but diminishing greatly with distance. What we keep close to us pulls on us the most, actually, having free space, actually frees us to move more easily. It’s really easier to accelerate in a space with less items.

I chose the banana today because of the new banana costume that came into my life as the other things were surrendered to the universe. As weird as it sounds the banana is the future I’m trying to get to today, it feels like the next right step in my life. 🍌