1. Why write?

To figure out life, make some sense of it, see the connections that are true, find the meaning behind the fireworks of the show, see what my face looks like under the mask of life.

2. Why figure out life?

To try to live in a more peaceful way, with life balance.

3. Why? Not only because I could do more, but also so I could help my loved ones reach for their dreams too. We are here for a brief moment in time, then gone, there is so much here we will not have time to see and do, I want to do a lot of it at least, see some of the beautiful peaks. This world is wonderful and beautiful like a carnival, trivial, dirty, unsafe, fun, silly, enjoyable. I can’t find it in me to live for an after life I don’t believe in, if I ever come to that, I’ll have to come to that when it happens, I can’t live a lie. I think my limited mind will do more if I can create “schema” to this information that is largely a pile of experiences. If I can Kon Mari my mind.

4. Why? It just feels right to be learning and in a way sorting experiences is a learning process.

5. Why? I suppose that’s just who I am, what my soul needs to do to my mind to feel at peace. I need to find or ascribe meaning to life to make it seem worth it to do all those dishes and laundry continuously. The meaning lightens the load of the graph.

Reading “Mud, Sweat, and Tears,” Bear Grylls had to stand and be bitten by mosquitoes without swatting them, and run thought mud and wade swampy water to get a special forces membership, without that meaning, I don’t think anyone would have finished that training, it wasn’t the type of thing anyone would accidentally do or do to relax. The meaning can push you through almost anything, but without meaning the easiest most pampered life can become hellish. I don’t know if it is all people or some people, but I know it me, I must eat meaning often or something in me starves. I need meaning more than food, though obviously I do need food. But if I had to eat only every other day, but it was to do something amazing like end world hunger, I could do that easily. When we think of our needs, we miss a lot.

I attended a presentation with Lei Wang, grand slam adventurer, it was cool (in and of itself) but also comparing her to Bear Grylls. Both have summited Everest. Both started as nonathletic people, average (to small) sized people, I think they did the things they did for different reasons. Slightly different reasons, like the difference between strawberry and raspberry, not hugely different reasons like chocolate and plutonium, yet different.

Lei did it for excitement, not in a completely hedonistic way, yet the excitement kept her going through struggle.

Bear however was often scared, he was often crying, often not excited, he seemed to push himself to and past his limit as a hobby.

Lei seemed to want to be herself and the only way to be fully herself was to adventure.

Bear seemed to find himself, connect something within himself that he had difficulty connecting to in “everyday life”.

Lei wanted to be herself, Bear wanted to find himself.

Lei was weak to the outside observer and strong as steel inside, Bear was the ultimate adventurer to the outside observer and a humble fun loving average kind of guy on the inside.

They have some similarities that stand out, a deep humility that anyone could do what they do if they did the neccisary work (and conditions were right), a beaming smile of infectious joy, a good sense of humor, an awareness that life is temporary (yet it’s not a depressing gloom).

They have some differences, obviously the gender (I don’t really know how much that matters to be honest… as another woman, I’ve never felt “weaker” I know I am actually slower though due to being really short 5’0″ 152.4 cm). We have been conditioned to celebrate when females do something new, but honestly, I think it was easier for Lei and harder for Bear at times. We all have weakness, but some of us have more strength. We can all build strength, but in the present moment some of us have more or less to draw on and I don’t think gender has much to do with it if anything. Without getting into gory detail, I’ll say I’ve climbed mountains and hiked and did pretty demanding martial arts or exercise when I’m menstruating, which is not to shame anyone feels like or cares to rest at those times, it’s just saying our moments of weakness as humans don’t come at a set time. I was very weak during pregnancy, as a sickly child, in many arenas of life still, but there was nothing particularly tied to my gender that made me feel weak ever. When I was pregnant I couldn’t hold down food, it was that lack of nourishment that made me weak, I’ve witnessed three really strong women who were pregnant, I hoped to be that way, but I wasn’t. Just like some people can sail everyday no problem, others can barely survive sailing and most people lie in between, every pregnancy is a very different journey. I don’t think having a baby suddenly made me into a different person, I don’t think I ever fully became a mom, because in my mind I was never dominated by the relationship that I do cherish. I was never a mom to me, more than a person. I never saw a huge difference between my sister who doesn’t have kids (and probably won’t) and myself (who does have two kids). I know the world does, but I never did. The real difference between us in my mind is my irrepressible optimism and her crushing depression.

So who I am has very little to do with being a woman, a wife, a mother, a parent, so little to me.

It does matter to me that I’m someone who tries to do the right thing, a learner, a loyal friend, a closet silly goose, someone who deeply appreciates the little things, such as a sun rise almost each morning.

I’m able to be thrilled with the same sun, the same coffee, the same horse print blanket, over and over and over, the things I like may shift, like drawing on paper to drawing on a tablet, reading on a wooden deck from a paper book to reading inside on a computer, yet when they do shift they shift slowly like molasses.

Thank you for reading, do you have anything in your life that you never get tired of?

🦋