A small special thing that happened to me today was I saw the feather in the title of an article “🗿 So, What Matters in Life Then? 🪶” (it’s at the end).
At the end of the movie “Forest Gump” a feather flies around and the question is discussed if life follows destiny or free will or both, that feather reminds me of that moment. Of questioning the wonder and complexity that is objective reality and subjective reality and the mesh-work of society that forms this world and the mesh-work of planets that lies outside of this world. My mind enjoys questioning everything all together, and though I don’t get many answers, the feather just floating along seems to say, “it’s okay for you to ask though, we all ask sometimes, it’s okay, life is okay.”
There is a lot of hope in that feather, which is a loose body part of an animal, a piece of trash actually, which just happens to be very aerodynamic. A piece of trash from a bird littering the world, but in such a pretty way. Birds are dinosaurs actually, theropod dinosaurs, proven by DNA tests, their feathers seemed to be made for insulation and identification before flight and then flight just developed as a possibility…
I wrote the article and looked for the right symbol/emoji to end with, when I found the feather I never knew for sure if it would work later on my system, it was a very, very small leap of faith to use it, but I did and today it brings me an irrationally large amount of joy to see it now.
I think it’s important to accept those moments of joy as they are, it’s easy to turn them down, thinking what makes you happy shouldn’t make you happy and something else should, but when you turn down the things that really make you happy (that are allowable by ethics) then there often isn’t something else coming that seems more PC or suitable to societal standards coming, in my experience it just leads to a self created famine of joy.
I didn’t write so much of the book, I started to get a daily habit going, then one day my daughter kept bothering me so frequently. Though I played with her already, I do a special time with her almost everyday for an hour, she wasn’t content to let me enjoy my hobby without bothering me over and over and over and over, and again.
She probably does want more time with me (we are always at home together… more attention I guess). But I don’t want more time with her at all. Not at ‘tal… so what can we do? I don’t know yet. I’m not playing kids games for more than an hour, I hate that so much it’s barely possible to justify to myself doing it for the one hour as it is. She wants more, I want less, what will we do?
I’m better thus far at being interrupted for articles and going back to them, it’s very difficult for me to go back to the novel writing for some reason.
I absolutely hate that I’ve had such a bad time with my daughter’s disobedience and interrupting that I’ve quit after three days, but that is what happened. I tired, it was going well, it was hard, but it was going well, then it got unfesable to continue. Perhaps if I just pretend to write for a week? Simply strike the keyboard… then I won’t be as annoyed when my daughter tries to stop me.
I changed my life for her, left work to take her to activities we couldn’t go to when we got off work at 6 PM, I try to arrange the experiments she wants to do, the activities she wants to do, try to involve her in her learning so she can choose what topic, book, or subject she wants to pursue, and when something is important to me and appropriate in how long it takes (I was only trying to write for 30 minutes) she absolutely does not care at all about me following my dreams or just being fair that I help her do the things she wants to and it would be reciprocity to help me have a moment as well. My daughter is 4, my son is 1. My son plays by himself or with me, he claps for me when I try to do something good, he says things like “thank you” even though he can barely talk at all. My daughter would crush every single dream I have if she could just so I wouldn’t offend her sense of ownership of me by ever being unavailable to get her “ice cold water” when it isn’t even hot. I don’t remember spoiling my daughter, but she is so spoiled. It was as if she didn’t need to be spoiled to become spoiled, but that her natural expectations from the world were that everyone in it would give her the best of everything with no work on her part ever. It annoys me to almost no end. Sometimes I feel guilty about not loving the entitlement that makes up a huge part of my daughter. But it’s only human to find some traits that are largely normal for some people are a yuck for others.
We just spent 30 minutes discussing what my daughter wants for her birthday coming up soon, if I felt at all guilty for calling her entitled before that conversation I don’t after it.
When I grew up our parents did get us gifts, but for some reason they almost always got us something we didn’t want that was more or less the same price as what we wanted. I’ll never forget the first time I got what I wanted, I wanted a soccer ball, not a team brand, just a normal soccer ball, a family friend got me one. I was so happy, my parents had never thought it was right to get me what I wanted, they wanted it to be a surprise, but without taking the time or expending the effort to come remotely close to what I liked. The strange thing in hindsight was that they could have spent the same or less to get me something I liked. As a child I thought it was about money, but it was more about not believing it was right to let us have what we asked for. There was a stigma that buying us what we asked for would spoil us, yet buying heaps of other things wouldn’t… I don’t think I’ll ever understand my parents, if I don’t understand them now as a parent myself, I don’t know what would happen to give me insight on their world so far removed from what seems like reason to me. Becoming a parent helped me forgive my parents, it didn’t help me understand them much at all though.
So, since my husband will get my daughter what she wants for her birthday anyways I leveraged the negotiation that she will not bother me when I write if she wants her birthday presents. Terrorism? I don’t know. Effective? I don’t know. But I’m often just grasping at straws in family life.
Another thing that happened as I was writing along is that I started not liking some of what I was writing a few days in, so I switched to trying the snowflake method as an outline.
Hopefully I’ll spend 25 minutes working on it later today. I’m trying to build a habit of having time for the book writing, it may be hard to get started, but if I can just get started I feel like it will feel easier a week from now.