I DIDN’T STOP

It’s been about three weeks, I missed two posts, yet didn’t stop decluttering. I let go of my son’s crawling mats, that was a big thing. Very glad they went to his baby cousin, they were treasured, yet unneeded in our current life.

It’s hard to describe the feeling of letting them go, bittersweet? As I let go of the crawling mats I let go of my baby stuck as a baby in my mind.

It felt right, but not cheerful, triumphant, but not happy, satisfying, but not pleasant. It felt like one chapter closing, and I guess I always hate good byes.

We have been getting rid of many toys, I’ve been trying to keep up, but since I have to oversee the toys somewhat, that has drained my time and energy even though the items were not mine.

TODAY

I let go of some cheery wall decals we have had since my daughter was born, that was even more sentimental than the mats. I’d like to rebuy the set and keep them for my daughter for the future, they were only about $10 each.

I let go of some blank journals my sister sent, we are moving more and more digital with less and less paper. Even the kids use the electronic draw pad pen we got now. (I’m learning slower than I hoped, but faster than I feared to use Krita and Sketch Apps with my Chromebook and the tablet).

DIGITAL BLENDING WITH PHYSICAL

Actually my daughter’s computer I almost always use broke, then I fixed the one I was about to throw away, which my son had broke. I felt very triumphant when I was able to fix it by copying Tech Guru on YouTube and just following the same steps.

Now my daughter’s computer needs the system OS replaced from a 8GB USB stick I don’t have… so that will take time, but I’m proud I at least fixed one.

MENTAL BLENDING WITH PHYSICAL

I threw away the notion I can’t fix computers or learn tech this week.

I threw away the idea I can’t repaint our walls (despite my husband not wanting to do so) this week. Somehow the thought of repainting gives me hope for the future.

I let go of a broken pink pen I liked.

I let go of a small blue sachel that was pretty, but unneeded in the moment.

I let go of a poorly designed punching bag for kids.

HOUSE HOLD BLENDING WITH MY INDIVIDUALITY

My daughter let go of a stuffed dog, the stuffed dino we wrote a book about last year, a doll she never liked, and a few other toys.

HABITS BLENDING WITH ITEMS

I let go of my Linux operating system on my Chromebook to make room for my daughter’s supplemental school app, Adventure Academy. In doing so I got rid of Rimworld also, the game I sometimes binge on for months and then abandon for months. I wonder if I’m done binge gaming forever or just for now? I really wish I could find a way to play for 20 minutes or an hour, but for some reason it never happens. If all I have is 20 minutes or an hour I just do something else.

THE HARDEST THING

The hardest thing was my daughter getting rid of the stuffed dino, Little Tree Eater, even though it wasn’t mine. I could have kept it for me, but it didn’t seem right in the moment. It would seem like I didn’t respect my daughter’s right to let things go out of our lives.

Even my little boy (1.5-years-old) discarded some stuffed toys into a bag (a fox toy I would have kept, a dog, a dino), I hope he understood, but it really seemed like he did, he said “all done.”

FINDING MY TALENT

I was really inspired by the Digital Chicken Maker, I mentioned that and they encouraged me to keep looking for what I was good at doing no matter how niche it was. I think it might be leading exercise videos in a banana costume, but I’m not sure at this point.

A NEW HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

As I let go of the decals I felt ready to live in the space in a new way, ready to move here, ready to repaint, redecorate, hope for the future again.

My husband and I had some uncomfortable talks about being in a small space with a growing family, him wanting to not buy furniture, me wanting to not wait to buy a loft bed… but the uncomfortable talks were better than both of us having the tension of the uncomfortable differences as the elephant in the room everyday.

I noticed a lot more what my kids like to play in watching which toys could be let go of, I learned about my husband more from talking. He isn’t so visible from the surface, he is more like an iceberg.

I love our son’s car bed, I thought my husband hated it, but from talking I learned he likes it too, he just doesn’t like feeling that we don’t have space.

I don’t think it’s the car bed’s fault our rooms are small, they just are small. When we moved where we live now without any kids, it was small, when we moved into a regular apartment, for the stuff we had, the conflicting furniture and personalities and hobbies we had, it was small. So, it’s been small then we downsized twice, then we doubled in population, so it feels small because it is very small. A very small amount of living space, that in our area is somewhat standard for average people.

Marie Kondo said there are two reasons you don’t get rid of things you don’t need or want, 1. Fear for the future or 2. Attachment to the past.

This week I’ve let go of the past quite a bit as well as moving towards hope for the future. Three weeks ago I wasn’t so afraid of the future, I wasn’t so attached to the past, yet I wasn’t excited for the future, I wasn’t letting go of the past… now I am, I don’t know if it’s because I’m fully embracing minimalism now or if it’s because I’m further along the Kon Mari journey, but I’ve never been as excited for the future as I am now. Which is weird. But my family was so very paranoid that it wasn’t any more gloomy when I grew up with them then it is now during this actual plague.

MY MINDSET 3 WEEKS AGO:

FOR TWO WEEKS:

THIS WEEK:

Love people, use things.

– Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus (The Minimalist)

So, I came to that place where it was time to decide if in real life behind closed doors am I a minimalist or am I a spartan kind of normal consumer, and when I gave myself the freedom to pick either, to not mind going back on the image I feel like I portray it may not surprise you to know I’m actually a minimalist.

I’m not sure exactly what that will entail, I don’t have a number target, to me as a member of a four person family, as a home schooler, it doesn’t make sense to me to nit pick to get to 40 items or 100 items, that doesn’t feel like the next phase for me, but the space I can create, a space with some breathing room, that is more important. It’s almost about the empty space more than the items now.

I don’t know that one can’t focus on people over things without letting go of things, but for me it has been the easier road. For me every bag of old items we didn’t need led me 1% towards discovering my priorities and identity at a core level, it’s helped me see my kids for who they are and not for who I want them to be, it’s done a lot towards me enjoying how I spend my days (right now, not someday).

I made the first good dinner I ever made yesterday, but served it today for lunch. My daughter was so happy, she said “wow, you cooked something very good for the first time,” it was true. I wasn’t mad at all, because it was true. The time I don’t spend picking up toys gives me more patience with washing dishes, cooking, laundry, setting up school.

It’s what I need. I need so few toys that the kids can handle cleaning them. My parents didn’t clean my toys and I don’t want to clean my children’s toys. My daughter gets overwhelmed, so that means very few toys, that’s what works for her, that’s what works for me, that’s what works for us, though it took me a long time to not feel guilty that we are much different than my husband’s sibling’s families.

We don’t have as much stuff, because I don’t like it, but also we have much more time together, we are toys in one another’s lives to some extent and I think that gets lost really easily.

PEACE

Our home isn’t perfect, but there is more peacefulness now than I remember ever being here before.

THE FUTURE

What I have left a green bucket of small items, a red box in the kitchen and some random strays. Short term if I keep going 5 items a week, I think I’ll be done this year without any crazy or difficult pushes. I’ll aim for December 31st again this year, that means I can kind of savor the letting go instead of struggle.

THE PRESENT

Yesterday I understood myself more than in the past, that I’m a person who struggles, but is able to triumph over the basics of survival (sleep, water, cooking), I am a person who likes to push myself to see what I can do, I am a person who has a love hate relationship with kids and teaching (not the love love relationship that is socially acceptable for a mom).

Do not worry about tomorrow finishing Kon Mari, for tomorrow finishing Kon Mari will worry about itself. Each day week has enough trouble clutter of its own.

Matthew 6:34 > Bubble Gum Monkey’s non-offensive reflection about de-cluttering.

I’m think there will be an end, I think that I will hit the Kon Mari point someday soon and it will be real.

Once we knew what mattered, it was easy to part with what didn’t.

Because we knew who we wanted to be and what we are called to do, we had guidelines to attach to what had to leave and what could stay.

– Lisa Yvonne

Lisa Yvone helped me a lot psychologically, it’s not that I’m going to serve Jesus unreservedly after I’m done, but I do want to be able to serve my dream of writing, of teaching my kids art, of fostering a learning environment, of having a peaceful refuge for all of our family to unwind, a place where my husband and I can relax and talk.

My mission isn’t her mission, but her mission somehow made mine easier to find.

My Mission for Our Home: 1. Calm writing space. 2. Simple art space. 3. Protected learning space. 4. Peaceful refuge for all of our family to unwind. 4. Cozy place where my husband and I can relax and talk.

Interesting that both my husband’s sisters are going more minimalist than before as well, maybe it’s a thing? We all moved that way separately, I didn’t convince them… maybe moms are tiered of picking up mountains of junk in America?

THE PAST

The first step in the Kon Mari process is imagining an ideal life, then examining 👒 clothes, 📚 books, 📃 papers, 💻 everything else, still everything else 📌 and 💎 mementos. It’s an interesting process, I’ve done it a few times an it’s always surprising how much I have that I’m unaware I have and how much lighter I feel when the clutter leaves my life. I’m further in now than ever before, I feel my mindset changing a lot through the process now, it’s both freeing and also a bit taxing.

ONE PUZZLE SOLVED

I feel lighter when I let go of items, because I am lighter. Mass has gravity, all masses act on all other masses, but diminishing greatly with distance. What we keep close to us pulls on us the most, actually, having free space, actually frees us to move more easily. It’s really easier to accelerate in a space with less items.

I chose the banana today because of the new banana costume that came into my life as the other things were surrendered to the universe. As weird as it sounds the banana is the future I’m trying to get to today, it feels like the next right step in my life. 🍌

Lokahi = Life Balance

There is a legend Lao Tzu looked at a turtle in a pond and understood the entire universe. That’s how I feel in this moment.

Perhaps I don’t understand the entire universe “in detail,” but I have a tighter grasp on the contents of my limited section of the universe than I ever had before.

I in understanding myself a few weeks ago, can finally place myself into the world I see through my lens.

Survival Mode = Animal Mode

I’m a creature making it from one coffee to another, some days needing more rest than others, cooking and washing dishes like everyone else, very similar to all other people and many other animals in many of my waking and sleeping hours each day. 8 hours of sleep + 3 hours of grooming/eating/cooking = 11 hours we are essentially quite similar you and I (and everyone).

Society Mode = Human Mode

Within society I am a parent who teaches (and to me a teacher who parents) and that roll takes a lot of the remaining energy, time and money. I teach exercise 1 hour + technology (reading, writing, math, computer science, general science) 2-3 hours = 3-4 hours. In this way we maybe exactly the same or completely different. But it’s very understandable to you, even if you never do it, because it’s within the global societal standards of what people should be doing, it’s named, it’s defined, it’s expected.

Just now some ants were seeking sustenance on my coffee cup (since it had a cracker wrapper in it), I killed them in the sink, because they bite my son and I while we sleep and I don’t choose to take them out far enough for them to not be a threat, nor be bitten awake… when I was a girl it would have been hard for me to kill them, actually I would have taken them outside, but I also would have probably lost focus outside and done something else. Anyways… I didn’t hate them for doing what they were doing, just value the broken sleep I get very highly and their lives very little.

Purpose Mode = Individual Mode

Friends and goals, the pandemic changed the way I do both, but I found it impossible to live without them, so they both changed, but couldn’t be postponed indefinably without a huge loss of life quality.

All three modes are valid, survival mode is a prerequisite to being able to do the other two, contributing to society is often worthwhile, though it’s hard to see the big picture enough to understand the impact we have on a day to day basis, even when it isn’t, it’s required for most of us to have the resources to pursue our survival and individual pursuits.

Some Tech Learning

So a few articles back I had a problem with resolution, I believe I was using JPEG and got this exact problem… one thing that led me to JPEG was the smaller file size, the top graphic from today was either 89 KB in JPEG or 994 KB in PNG.

It takes 100 times more data to store a clear image, but a clear image is what I want in this case.

If people don’t have fast enough internet they will not load your content, so having smaller files = faster loading time and less loss of human traffic. Yet it’s not worth it to have images that are blurry, to me it’s more of a problem with text and small text than with pictures with no text.

I drew a little picture today with the Pixel Studio app.

This little picture takes 15 KB in PNG form. Because it’s very small. 16×16 pixels, it called “Sanguine Soul.” I’m pretty proud of it, even though it’s simple and small. It’s the first time I’ve done pixel art since 1994, when I got Mario Paint and it feels good. It’s an interesting art form to me, it’s the basis for the more realistic images represented on computers.

Unfortunate Truths

Me and the kids together for 186 days, without our normal fun outlets and the help I used to get from my family, has led to a very ugly malaise, where I simply do not have any remaining empathy for whining about petty events that my daughter would like to be pampered about. If I never heard her whine again, I think it would be okay with me at this point.

I would have thought it wouldn’t matter because I intend to home school anyways, but it does, it takes away all the joy. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and stay at home orders makes me hate the cr*p out of the normal idiosyncrasies of my own family.

It’s like being waterboarded by whining, the first thousand times you want to be kind and patient, the next thousand you silently wonder if you should have had kids, day 186 you tell your four-year-old you regret having kids and apologize to them that they are in the situation with you now.

When Life Balance Goes Wrong

That goes back to the whole life balance issue, the problem is not that kids whine, that kids or jobs need things, the problem is when they don’t stop needing things for a reasonable amount of time so sanity can be maintained.

It’s not the problem that kids are stupid, needy, whiny, and bratty, it’s when they don’t take a little break to play blocks so one can have a glass of water uninterrupted.

I can’t metaphorically “breathe” anymore, I’m not having a panic attack, I’m not having anxiety, I just hate this sh*t too much by now.

Staying with my kids for 186 days is like hiking the South Pole, the same landscape of whining and bullsh*t, every day is a mundane struggle, no nice view at the top like Everest. It’s so unexciting, it’s so unrewarding, it’s so uninteresting, it’s so unending.

You know it must be hedonistic adaptation that makes it so painful.

We take for granted the good we have, the good I have has stayed almost 100% the same. Although I’ve gotten better with gratitude, I’ve noticed new things are easier to be grateful for than the same things. Lately every little thing has been the same, thus, I lost hold of gratitude.

I didn’t want to be honest about how ugly my authentic feelings have become, so I didn’t acknowledge them, even to myself, thus I didn’t even begin to deal with them.

Initially, I was very mindful about how hard this must be on the kids, but over time I just got exhausted from telling them things will open someday and we can help people stay well by staying at home, I never loved the situation, but it became more infuriating and less amusingly different each day until today I mentally cracked a bit, a lot really.

Today I went from a “how can I help you get through this my little sweet angels” attitude to a “stop fuc*ing with me during this bullsh*t or I will end you” attitude. Something I’m known for… I have a wonderfully long fuse, but a horribly ugly temper, I’m not proud of it, but there is no point to lying about it.

Me: I want to quit teaching these kids.

Response: (But you are at home)

Me: F*ck! Well get these kids out of here at least!

Response: (But they are your kids and they live here)

Me: F*ck!

Response: (But you can enjoy a fun Netflix show!)

Me: That stopped being fun over five months ago, I now want to shoot the models in the safer at home commercials… I can just say that publicly because they don’t have enough room in the jails for all of us that now feel that way. By now they only have room enough for the people left over with positive attitudes.

I’m officially giving me permission to not be happy about the stay at home conditions any more at all. That feels really good. I’m not going to work my way back towards a good attitude, if I do have a good attitude it will be about something else, I’m just fully approving and allowing my hate of the stay at home.

HATE OF STAYING AT HOME COMPLETELY APPROVED

No thank you Gavin, your early quarantine did not do wonders for flattening the curve. Two weeks can only be stretched a few months further until I hate and distrust you forever, maybe say you don’t know how long when you don’t know how long instead of saying two weeks every two weeks like you owe someone money you know you don’t have? I will for sure never vote for you, and if possible I will trap you with my kids for the same amount of days you trapped me and see how well you survive it (not really the second part, but really about the first part).

Interestingly enough as soon as I let the anger, hate, and resentment out, I was able to access some gratitude behind that. I could just delete the angry comments and pretend that I’m not all angry sometimes, but why?

Perhaps it’s a thing, that holding resentment blocks gratitude like plaque blocks blood flow in an artery causing a heart attack or stroke?

There is plenty I like about COVID America, food at the store (not the annoying masks), water at the store (not the annoying closures), the strong possibility of a functional economy in the future (sure we’ve been off work, but some people who used to get social security checks, won’t be any longer… so maybe dead people paid those other people to stay at home angrily for a few months? Woo?). I still like the roads. I still like the functional wifi. I still like the pretty high chance I won’t be imprisoned for no reason, with no explanation, indefinitely, because I look like a terrorist. I still like a lot of things about you COVID America, defiantly not your pandemic prevention nor management skills, but plenty of other things. I guess I owe you an apology.

AMERICA NOT TO BLAME FOR PANDEMIC

BATS PRETTY CLEARLY TO BLAME

🦇

“Cough”

PHYSICAL TRANSFORMATION

Today was the end of the first week of “Beta Mode,” on the double workout day I started feeling sure God hates me at 20 minutes into the workout. Even though I’m agnostic… which means I don’t even firmly believe in God, until 20 minutes into a double workout day that is (I guess). Then when the workout was done it felt silly, but it was interesting, it’s been awhile since anything drove me to blaming God…

If there is a God I don’t know how it would make sense for me to blame them for Shaun T’s crazy double workout day, and God would probably want me to meditate or pray, I doubt God forced me to do T25 and laughs and laughs while I struggle through the push ups the day after my husband and I had a 1 minute push up challenge. I did 34 with the best form I could, I hesitated once, so in one month we both are doing it again as to only measure the improvement and not the amount to see who wins. And if I win I will get a slice of flan. Which I could just buy myself pretty easily, or even make, it’s not too hard as long as you are willing to use condensed milk…

We’ve been watching “Little House on the Prairie” I really enjoyed it as a child, I stayed up reading the books under the covers with a flash light so my parents wouldn’t know I wasn’t sleeping. I finished the books in 1 or 2 days, that’s somewhere around 200 pages a day, which is good enough for me, to me. I’m sure there are faster readers, but I don’t want to go any faster than that, because I really enjoy the books, I wouldn’t want them over any faster than that. Little House on the Prairie shames me about my distant relationship with God, yet it also is what it is, I can’t manufacture a faith I don’t have no matter how cool, convenient or socially acceptable it may possibly be. Yet I guess somewhere there is an emotional faith in God for me to be able to blame them for my workout being hard.

Another uncommon thing, I got hit in the eye with a 1 lb weight during a workout this week (during Rip-T-Circuit). My son hit me, I picked him up, put him in the other room, shut the door and went back to the workout… I felt really cool, like the Aztec warrior from Apocalypto. Children you can take social life, you can take my career, you can take my eye shape, but you can never take my workout.

I did take the “after” ab photo and put it on the website for my home work out videos, which I had to make because otherwise my kids press stop on the keyboard to mess with me, so using the website allows me to use the TV which they can’t yet turn off… it was a cute picture, those are so rare I have to admit I’m happy. I really wanted a cute wedding picture and didn’t get one, so I’m happy to have a cute picture for something.

At this point I feel really in shape and it’s a good feeling. It’s not about being attractive for me in this moment, but being in shape does make me feel that I’m mentally strong (like a Bear Grylls that is stuck indoors, is a mom, and isn’t famous). I’m enjoying having a lot more energy so I am enjoying a coffee here and there, but I feel like I could take it or leave it… I’m enjoying having the strength to carry my 4 year old when I feel like it. My stamina carrying my 1 year old isn’t even in question, it’s not a problem. It used to be, so I should be more excited for that, yet I’m not. It’s weird which things are impressive to myself, or which things I’m really honestly grateful for. I guess I expect to be able to carry the 1 year old and not the 4 year old? There have been times I really felt worn down carrying the 1 year old, but I guess it doesn’t seem impressive for a mom to be able to carry a baby…

The mental journey is still the most important aspect of exercising (to me):

My body is a friend, it carries me so far and asks so little in return, I have made peace with what it needs and respecting what it can and can’t give.

– (I) Bubble Gum Monkey 🐒

WEEK 1 T25: 64 I’m building a lot of trust in myself to follow through.

FINANCIAL TRANSFORMATION

It wasn’t a happy week in investments nor personal finance. The $4.65 I was so proud of is gone and I’m $14.65 down.

I could have possibly sold earlier, but I didn’t know the pretty decent market would suddenly sour. I perhaps should have locked in my earnings by selling instead of holding, but I didn’t. Now I would rather hold to sell at a gain later or to break even later, so I’m just taking a loosing ride.

It helps me understand the pain my husband feels. We went on a nice hike once, when we came back he had lost $4,000. I though of him as overly materialistic, now that I lost my carefully earned $4.65 I understand the way he feels more. It seems silly to be upset when other people loose money, but it’s a different animal if it’s your loss. It’s not much about money and more about loosing the confidence you have skills and cunning as an investor.

FAMILY TRANSFORMATION

Perhaps a combination of 3 things was the perfect stew to help me.

1. Watching Nanny 911 taught me how many families fail to work as a team, what it looks like to be undermined, that I was undermined, that it’s possible for a family to run smoothly, how to fix a family.
2. Rachel Norman’s “Mom Away from Home Blog” email class gave me permission to be myself. For a long time I wanted to be a different mom, perhaps the one I wanted to have, and I couldn’t. Like when you join a soccer team, you may be the best forward, or maybe you are a great goalie, but not a good forward. I played full back better than the other spots, but I didn’t know about it until I tried a few places. In rugby I was started as a wing, then moved to right flank when someone’s ankle got sprained and it fit me like a glove… In American football I trained as the wide receiver and back up quarterback, but was only ever good as a linebacker. In my family I expected to be very fun, very kind, but I’m not really. I am constant, helpful, protective, supportive, encouraging, but my husband is the fun and kind one that I’m not. Rachel Norman helped me find myself as the calm mother and stop trying to be someone I’m not.
3. Little House on the Prairie, the books and the show are the only “healthy” double parent family I “know”. I’m from a divorced family that didn’t “stay friends” or “divorce well,” I’m from the more traditional “broken home” kind of family, but most people I know aren’t any better. It would be fine to pat ourselves on the back for staying together in a dysfunctional manner, but I’m trying to do better, to actually build respect and team work and seeing it modeled helps. Since my husband watches it with me, it gives us a loose common ground. Sure it’s outdated and adapted for TV (though based on Laura’s real life), but it’s the best we can do so far.

SOUL TRANSFORMATION

Listened to F*ck No! by Sarah Knight and Beyond Boundaries by John Townsend.

I’ve got no guilt, no fear, no susceptibility to their puppy dog eyes, no patience for their bullshit.

– Sarah Knight

Sarah recommends being blunt, firm, saucy with kids, it sounds fun.

John recommends have two sets of boundaries, ones to protect you from other people violating your boundaries and one for when you are ready to build trust again.

The books go together well for me, it’s funny to have one book swearing and one kind of Churchy, but the content goes well, one is about protecting your boundaries and the other is about when to stop guarding and let people in again, it’s like a sword and shield combination.

MENTAL TRANSFORMATION

Mentally it was nice to take the day off I earned to visit the aquarium. I noticed the other kids asking parents when things would be normal and parents not having an answer. I think all of us are now aware that we have no idea if and when we can stop wearing masks in our area or when everything will open again or if it ever will. We all now know that we don’t know. It’s a little less awkward to scramble for the answer from the news that lied to us about knowing so many times… now we just don’t even answer the kids. We know, we don’t know, and they already know we don’t know, they even know we know we don’t know now.

We wear masks because they make us wear them, not so people won’t get sick, for whatever reason people are still getting sick in our area. What can we do to help? Nothing much. We were already washing hands so… that’s not new for us. Staying at home? We did do that and it did not help in our area… so what can we do? Us, nothing in particular. What did we do to cause this? Us, nothing in particular. Do we like it? Nope. Do we wear our masks? Yup. Because we think it helps? Nope. Because it’s the rules? Yup. It’s getting more mundane, and less shocking, frightening, horrible. Slowly.

I’ve noticed that happiness is found in the same places as bitterness or boredom. It’s not that a normal person should be expected to be happy all the time, yet when we fully allow ourselves the little things as they come instead of rejecting joy because it looks silly, or we are older, or people are looking, or some people are suffering, that joy is so healing, it’s so energizing, it can be used for good. Fun isn’t all evil or a waste of time, it really matters the context, the amount, the activity, there isn’t a valid case against being happy in 2020. It’s hard sometimes, but there is no reason to make it hard when it isn’t.

ONE WEEK IN LIFE IN SUMMARY

Body – Having success anywhere in life right now makes me feel really good about myself.

Finances – It’s been a rough week and it’s not as fun loosing as gaining, yet it does give me a common hobby with my husband and a new challenge in life, overall investing has been a positive experience still.

Family – School has been going well. As I really pare down in toys and transition into minimalism I see us doing more activities together and trying new things, going outside to the back yard, or going out more often than we did when we had more. The less we have the more we make, do and learn, the more we play music, the more we play together. Today a programming, electronic kit came in the mail, tomorrow we will start it. I don’t think I would have the mental energy if I was still cleaning up my kids toy’s for them. I’m so close to living by the rule I said we had, that they must clean the toys they want to have. I see them appreciating what they have, playing with each other and being very creative in how they play since we have less toys (mostly unwanted ones we felt guilty to get rid of).

Soul – I’m starting to open myself up to life after being hurt I didn’t get into medical school and also hurt by my husband’s criticisms and human errors over time. I decided to stay long ago, but without really forgiving him, it’s going to be a process, but I’m ready to learn and start slowly.

Mind – My personality changed to the Advocate. I feel a bit more than I think now. Which is good, since supposedly feeling is the highest form of thinking, so maybe I can make some better decisions possibly.

GRATITUDE HONORABLE READERS

🐢

Today’s goal: Adding meaning to the week… Getting thorough the day without beating either child.

Hypothetically smoking the word: “SNAFU” today.

Most of my life I didn’t know why the English days of the week were so weird to spell or what they were based on.

Last week I mentioned the days of the week were based on German Gods. Monday – the moon, Tuesday – Tue the warrior God, Wednesday – Odin the king of the Gods, Thursday – Thor the lightning God, Friday – Odin’s wife Fri Goddess of love, Saturday – the Roman God Saturn (foreign exchange program) and Sunday the Sun. And that’s the grandfathered week we still use in a not very Norse world…

Wednesday was Odin’s day (the king of the Gods). He had one eye, the other he traded for more knowledge, I can respect that.

Sometimes, when you learn something, you can’t unlearn it.

I remember taking microbiology in college, it’s a bit sad knowing that there will always be some germs crawling all over you, and your food, and inside pretty much your whole body, and especially in your meat (if you care for it, which I do – I’ll probably be a monster to future generations… alas if they even survive global heating to judge me).

I’ve gotten a bit more tired of the pandemic, which doesn’t seem to be getting tired of existing, no matter how much I scowl at it.

I did some venting, in writing, which I don’t think needs to be posted. Mostly that I don’t care for the pandemic and I’m a bit tired of the “new horrible” calling it that made me chuckle for the first time in a long time. I hope you have a better attitude then me, but I’m a bit burnt out of trying to push myself to be more flexible to change, than I ever wanted to become. My soul is kind of chaffed by sudden changes at this point.

So I’m going to imagine Odin to try to think of a theme to give myself to get through Wednesday better, which has been the hardest day for me since 1990. I’m not really sure why I get burnt out Wednesday.

Today I’m not at my best, yet through facing a lot of unwanted, unpleasant truths and feelings at least I’m ending the day less cognitively dissident and more able to be at peace with the world as it is.

It seems like my trust in the government, stability of nature, and certain survival of humanity is at an all time low. But it always should have been I guess?

The world seems to have very little consistency and logic as a bat disease found in 1 in 20 bats continues to bring my region to it’s knees…

Yet my emotions and imagination are somewhat in my control, I have 1/3 ships still sailing.

I think I lost about $4 on the stock market today, but I’m too tired to evaluate selling until Friday, I think I only care enough to sell about once a week.

I’m grasping at straws to try to keep from being so depressed I don’t get up to feed the kids, or so angry I hurt the kids for doing typical dumb kid stuff.

So, I find myself wondering, in a hypothetical make belief world, what would Odin think about the pandemic?

I suppose death would be very much different to a God. I wonder if they would resent a large influx the way we resent too many tourists at one time?

Would regular people go where Odin lived? I think mostly soldiers went to his area?

The Asatru (those who worship the German Gods the days of the week are still named after) have revived (about 100,000 in and around Norway). I think it’s cool in a way, I’m sure their cultural heritage is a bit tied up in the legends, and I don’t agree with discarding all legends from the past, simply because they threaten some people’s religious identity. The religious people I’ve know who are more whole in their spirituality, don’t seem threatened by historical heritage or variety of beliefs of others. Such as Jerry Jenkins for example, who is a fairly strong Christian, but included Odin in his book left behind as a kind of food for thought.

It’s just somewhat helpful to take another view of the situation that has really become irritating and pretending helps. I guess thought experiments aren’t insanity, when you know and admit you are pretending.

What I have noticed mostly this year is the little things I miss lifted my spirits so much, now without them I see the difference, but looking upon history pretty much every generation has endured worse than mine, so pulling my head out of my as* just a little bit after ranting as much as I needed to (just to myself mostly) I see the need to step up my game in coping with stress, exercise got me to September, but I can feel myself needing more now as I’m getting emotionally burned out by this years “changes”.

I need new coping mechanisms, I need to invent new ways to lift my spirits and I need a change in perspective.

All those things are available, probably free, but before I hit a low, I didn’t see the need to pursue them, so perhaps this low will be a blessing in that it sends me in search for stronger tools to cope.

My sister seems to be doing better than me today, she is in Hawaii (where I wish I was) and I’m in California (where I really am).

This year is really a SNAFU (situation normal all fu*ked up), but at least it’s not quite FUBAR (fu*ked up beyond all recognition). Everything is a bit messed up, but it’s quite recognizable at least.

It’s not as bad as the Great Depression, the Holocaust, WW2, not even close, but I never had coping skills to handle Great Depression, the Holocaust, WW2, not even close…

I got chubby and lost weight once, I worked a lot of hours often, I went to college and had poor life balance, but I lack the skills to cope with disaster on the magnitude that has knocked on my door this time. So far.

I remember hearing that during the Great Depression people enjoyed watching movies that let them mentally escape the unpleasantness at least for a shortwhile.

I’m not a huge movie or TV watcher, but the swap meet, the science center, the library were my escapes from the mundane and frustrating life of having two young children at home, everyday…

So I guess I need to reach a new level of coping skills.

If you always put a limit on everything you do, physical or anything else it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.

– Bruce Lee

One interesting-ish coping skill that has helped me in the past is rephrasing. Like changing the word problem to opportunity, because there is opportunity in problems, the opportunity to learn from or solve or at least experience the problem…

So maybe I’ll find some cornatunitys?

Just possible good things,

1. Possibly less traffic (because of many deaths)? Which is weird because usually in my world 1 death causes an hour of traffic.

2. Possibly less global warming (because of many deaths)? Thanks for going green by being dead corona-virus victims, very low carbon foot print.

3. Possibly job openings in the job I plan to try to get in 9 years… thanks to some of the people who had those jobs dying a painful death?

This is a bit dark, but kind of uplifting.

4. Possibly a slightly less easy to infect future population if people spread out just a bit more rather than rush to refill the same spaces?

5. Possibly human life is looked at as a little bit more precious and war seems a bit less attractive? I hope so, but I don’t know if enough people died to shift that stubborn dynamic of humans towards war.

6. Possibly a boost to the economy because the 80+ population who was most killed off won’t be collecting their social security pay out?

7. Perhaps more living space? Not sure if there will be a baby boom to fill the vacuum or if high costs of living will keep 2 kids as the standard average.

I guess it is possibly a natural response to an over population of a species to have them reduced by disease, it’s a little more stressful being part of the test species.

I wonder if cows would be happy? If they are vengeful because we eat them? Or more neutral? I can’t imagine them being sad. I’m sure some dogs were sad.

I had trouble being sad, I don’t think I will never be sad, but I think I’ve been waiting until it’s over to get a total death count, then be sad, and since it’s not over and I don’t have that total death count, I feel much more unsettled then sad.

It’s somber, but not so sad.

I didn’t find that very helpful, I think because the opportunities came at a cost no one wanted to pay. It’s kind of hard to be cheery about opportunities grown out of the corpses of others.

Perhaps it was at least helpful in showing me why it hasn’t been helpful.

I attended a class with Lei Wang who completed the explorers grand slam, she said the hardest part of the South Pole was the boredom, and the best part was just getting to the pack station at the end, where people were drinking coffee and doing everyday business activities.

The excitement of my life is approaching the excitement level of hiking the South Pole, one foot, the other foot, white on the left, white on the right, white in the middle, the other foot, pulling the supplies, pulling the supplies, making camp, sleeping, waking up, packing camp, one foot, the other foot… it sounds entitled to complain about boredom as people are dying, but I guess I’m dying of boredom as people are dying of bat flu.

I like being inside, but I think it may be the variety level is much too low to enjoy as a human being. For so long our brains evolved to be outside, problem solving in a dynamic changing environment, that’s the core of John Medina’s Brain Rules book.

Our brains were not meant to enjoy being social isolated, nor being quarantined and I’m simply succumbing to a malaise that is perhaps inevitable. But I’ll try to find something to do, this is a wonderful time to be alive, each day is beautiful, yet it’s also become an unpleasant ordeal filled with death and boredom.

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonaide.

When life gives you bat flu, what kind of drink do you make for that?

Lime-aid? Grape drink? Sweet tea? Thai tea? Having trouble pairing this…

Coronavirus victims:

I laughed at that… this year is so tricky to discuss with decorum, so maybe I’ll just abandon decorum in place of honestly.

Earlier this year we told the kids, “be safe, but don’t worry not a lot of people are dying,” “this isn’t what we want, but we can help people not get infected by wearing these masks and not going out,” “don’t worry places will be closed for a few weeks.”

The truth was:

“Be safe, do worry, because a lot of people will die, and our country isn’t well prepared at all, it’s bad, but it won’t get better soon,” this isn’t what we want, but we have to wear these masks and not go out, and lots more people are still going to keep getting sick in our area anyways, but we have to wear these masks because we have very little civil liberty or freedom of choice, especially during this time,” “some places you like will be closed for a long time and some forever, that’s life. Almost no fun places will be open back up soon, so just forget that feeling as best you can. Bye bye fun places, hello learning more multiplication at home. Woo! Maybe it’s time you kids learn the word SNAFU, this situation is a great example of a SNAFU.”

So how’s California? Supplies are good (thank Odin), life is never as crazy as it appears to be on the news, no slides are open for kids, some moms are almost murdering their families out of boredom and stir craziness, infections don’t seem to be over and I’m looking forward to burning my mask that I still hate wearing (whenever that becomes socially acceptable, if it ever does).

🏠

Can someone either let me out or relocate the kids to a concentration camp? (Just kidding, an interment camp, just kidding a work camp, just kidding a space camp?)

PHYSICAL TRANSFORMATION

So, today was officially the end of week 5. That means nothing is going to get easier, everything is going to get harder.

The reward for hard work is so often, harder work to come.

But rather than discard the moment to celebrate to immediately think about “what more” I should have done or will do. Let me take a moment to celebrate me! “Beach” party of one. 🎉

It’s pretty hard to post any pictures of myself, not because I don’t like my body or style, but just because 1. I don’t feel like I photograph well and 2. I’m still in the process of overcoming shyness in a self world, I have never mastered or even attempted to master taking a good photo, it’s not quite my “thing.” But here goes in the name of overcoming shyness.

I was supposed to take a comparison “ab” photo today, but I don’t feel like it. Not that there haven’t been effects, there sure have, but it’s like from the inside out… core muscles I can feel, but that don’t look much different, a bit more energy, a bit more confidence that I’m in shape so I could teach an exercise class or go on a challenging hike if I wanted to… It may not seem like much at all, but every 10 years you stay in shape it gets “cooler”, when I was 15 it was pretty standard, when I was 25 it was fine, but not special, now I’m 35, it’s pretty cool, 10 years from now it’s going to be impressive.

The mental journey was the most important aspect of exercising (typical of me):

“Think little of thy flesh: blood, bones, and a skin; a pretty piece of knit and twisted work, consisting of nerves, veins and arteries; think no more of it, than so.” M.A.

Your body is the harp of your soul and it is yours to bring forth sweet music from it or confused sounds. K.G.

Trust and believe. S.B.

I’ve learned to respect the body as a friend instead of just a vehicle… I’ve started making peace with what it needs and respecting what it gives. 🐒

WEEK 1 T25: 64 Minutes wanting to quit. No days off. No pain.

WEEK 2 T25 31 Minutes wanting to quit. 1 Day off. A little pain 1 day.

WEEK 3 T25 20 Minutes wanting to quit. 2 Days off. No pain

WEEK 4 T25 00 Minutes wanting to quit. 0 Days off (1 earned). No pain.

WEEK 5 T25 00 Minutes wanting to quit. 1 Day off taken (1 still saved).

By the way I made a website if you want to join my exercise routine:

I made the website for me to see the videos on my TV via an Amazon Fire Stick (via Silk App) rather than on the laptop that my son kept turning off…

I “reached out” (horrifying) to two of my three sisters in law… so they may possibly end up reading this article from the workout site. If so, welcome! I have never said anything about you at all, I’m always talking about my sister, when I sister, and you already know how I feel about my husband anyways… so welcome!

FINANCIAL TRANSFORMATION

Last week…

This week! What… did someone (my husband) give me $100 to invest out of possibly pity… Yes. But saying yes, was something I wouldn’t have been able to do in the past and it was part of a solid investment strategy.

But also that $4.65 did not make itself.

Going backwards in time, I started with $0, Robinhood gave me free stock I sold for $3.85, it was a pharmacy stock and I’m ethically not comfortable with “big pharma” so it was either vet it or sell it and I preferred to sell so I could make some investment choices. There are a lot of dollar or penny stocks actually. I got in with Color Star Technology and that did well making me little bits of money each day, but at a great percent, sometimes at 20% growth. I picked up Activision Blizzard after my husband gave me $100, but it lost and then moved super slowly even as it gained.

I decided to take a loss on Activision Blizzard to off load it. It was a loss of about 40 cents on that stock, but the day wasn’t a loss thanks to Color Star Technology.

Zoomedica was always sketchy, but it was the only thing I could find for $0.12 and I had about $0.13 burning a hole in my pocket. Eventually I sold it at a $0.01 loss so I could stop staring at it’s depressing red graph on my portfolio.

Luna Innovation makes fiber optics and made me some money, but in a bit slower of a way than I preferred.

Over the weekend I planned my sales and buys and the app put the sales in for me when the market opened.

I switched to NIO which feels like a good time and away from Color Star which probably won’t grow much more since it’s now at near where it peaked in the past.

I also got some Genworth Financial and Northern Dynasty Minerals pretty much to spend my extra money and be a little diversified.

So I’ve made $0.80 on my investments besides what Robinhood and my husband have given me… but I’m pretty proud of that. Last year I considered myself someone who “wasn’t good at investment”, now I think of myself as someone who could make money investing just as easily as the average investor could. It’s a big gain of confidence in a short time and it gives me a more positive outlook on the financial world.

FAMILY TRANSFORMATION

Still watching Nanny 911 on the weekend as a family, it helped us for a team, but as far as me stepping into the “best mom I can be” (which is defiantly not a super mom still, but that’s so fine, it leaves room for everyone else on the team to help and grow) it was thanks to the “Mom Away from Home Blog” 5 email series class. Thank you so much to Rachel Norman! That class was so helpful, I’m a bit at a loss for words at how helpful it was.

SOUL TRANSFORMATION

Listened to “Mud Sweat and Tears” Bear Grylls autobiography this week.

That guy is so amazing to me, but he really seems “down to Earth” and human. His name is actually not that cool, it’s actually Edward, but like his cool nickname Bear, his life became really cool over time like a snowball growing to semi-insane proportions from a single “normal” snowflake.

Hearing him talk about climbing Everest at 23, really makes me want to “not climb Everest” ever. It seems really horrible to not breathe, be in a death zone where your body can’t digest food even if you have food to eat… it really seems like it sucks. But without that, he wouldn’t have given speeches, he wouldn’t have a kid see his speech and tell his dad to do a show about him, he wouldn’t have made “Man vs Wild”, my daughter wouldn’t have fallen in love with nature in the same way, I wouldn’t have seen the “World’s Toughest Race” and been inspired by it recently… My life would be different if he hadn’t. My daughter pretends to be Bear all the time and hopes to meet him someday. I’m glad that he climbed Everest and ate those raw camel testicles and all those things, yet I’m not sure if I’m ready for my Everest and I’m not sure what it will be.

One thing Bear talks about is faith, faith in a kind God, I don’t understand his faith, because the people who die on Everest are probably as faithful as the ones who live, but I respect it. It’s hard not to respect a free source of strength coming directly from someone’s heart, yet I don’t know that my heart will ever produce that phenomenon, just like my voice won’t sing the way some people’s voices will…

MENTAL TRANSFORMATION

Since the drawing tablet came I haven’t done a lot of drawing, but I did a very rough sketch of a complete story board for the Book Fight Club fight between Curious George and Rikitikitavi.

I’m sure it took much less than an hour to storyboard the characters, the action, most of what I need to see to know what I want to draw in each cell.

Creating the story really flowed, if I had a better artist who could read my mind and wanted to do the work, I would probably be a better story boarder than illustrator, but… so far I’m the illustrator on the team, so. Hopefully someday I’ll work on that, maybe I’ll make YouTube videos and it will inspire people that you don’t have to be good to draw, I’m not good at this point, but somehow I still really enjoy it.

It feels free in a life with little feeling of freedom.

If feels fun in a life with little feeling of fun (I can blame myself, but it is true).

If feels right in a world that sometimes feels wrong (elections always seem to make the world seem stupider to me).

In summary:

Body – Graduated to the next level. 🎉

Finances – Started investing, grew my portfolio x32 (I think I did that math right?) $3 into $30 would be x10, into $300 would be x100, but I didn’t get that far… so I think x32?

Family – Things are better than ever before, still some violence (child to child) and other things I don’t love, but better… my daughter started kindergarten today with Adventure Academy and Khan Academy and me…

Soul – I found me finally! I was right here, ha ha… It feels good, now that I know where I am it’s easier to “go from here”.

Mind – I’m starting to really enjoy making free websites on Google Sites, writing these articles and pretty much everything I do artistically. I suppose having control of something in my life is a craving that never really goes away.

✌️