Today I saw a beautiful picture of the Denali mountains taken by Jesse Cox, it made me long even more to get back to the mountains.

I’ve been having some wanderlust or really fernweh, meaning far sickness (opposite of home sickness, in German) a little more each month this year.

I don’t show my German so much, pretty much not at all, but it’s there. That’s the thing about being mixed, you are what you are, even if the whole world doesn’t see it, it’s always there, you can’t get a surgical removal of German.

Today was the first really cold day of the year, I love it. I love seeing the cold in the air, breathing it in, the cold feeling of the tile, like all the tiled rooms are made of ice. My husband hates it, I’m sure many German’s hate it, but I wonder how many people love the cold like me?

In one poll 59% of Americans like heat and 12% don’t care, but 29% enjoy the cold.

I’m always hot when it’s not cold, I’m never “warm” or “fine” just “hot” or “way too hot”. Of course I can get too cold, but so seldom.

I don’t know if it has anything to do with viking roots, I know by mitochondrial DNA I descended from a viking woman found near Birka Sweden.

I swam in a icy lake one year in the winter for fun, I had the luxury of changing to dry clothes after, but it was really no problem for me, no trouble with my heart or gasping, sure stiffer swimming, so invigorating, it doesn’t feel cold in the same way as a cold shower, it’s obviously cold, but it was expected and a new experience, so it’s quite different.

I’ve lived in the snow in a few states, yes I layer, but I don’t find I need much to be comfortable, it’s mostly down to dryness, if my feet are dry and my clothes are dry, I’m pretty happy outside in the snow.

Something about the snow is beautiful to me, when it’s really coming down, when it’s a wall of white that you can’t see through, when it drowns out the other noises of the world. It gives me peace, I know I won’t be called to work or school or an errand when the snow wouldn’t let me get there, it’s a deep deep peace for me.

My husband is from a hot part of Mexico, it’s the same latitude as Hawaii, he is amazing in his ability to work outside in the sun in the heat and feel happy doing it. Most other Mexican’s don’t share his insane heat tolerance, I just find it funny that he is someone who likes heat, but with a bit more extreme heat tolerance than average, and I’m someone who likes cold, but with a bit more extreme cold tolerance than average.

He mentioned the cold last night, when it first happened, the first cold night of the year in our area. I put the heater on for him to 80 F, asked him how high he wanted it, he was happy with 80 F, but I didn’t think we would sleep well so I lowered it to 70 F for all of us when it was time to sleep. A drop in heat signals the body that it’s night and helps set the natural sleep rhythm.

This morning was the first cold morning this year, it’s been a really hot year this year and I never realized how much I missed the cold air in the mornings. I like to sniff it, breathe it in deeply and remember the snow.

I have fond memories of sliding down hills on saucers, never quite a sled, snowboarding much later in life, but never skiing well. I miss romping in the snow, walking next to it, watching it fall when no one was looking at me. I don’t think I could watch snow fall with someone looking at me, something about being watched takes away the fun I have in most of the fun things I do, which is part of why I like to have time alone.

Sure I like people, but I feel I’m giving myself to them, ready to help, ready to listen, ready to support them, ready to answer, ready to think about what they said, I never feel unburdened with anyone else nearby. I don’t know what that would feel like.

It’s not always an unwanted burden, but it’s always been a burden to be around people. I don’t know if they always want something, but I can’t shake the feeling they do even if they don’t.

I’m a strong introvert, it doesn’t mean I’m shy, that I don’t like my friends, that I don’t have friends, it means I am more alive alone and a bit stifled and tired in a group.

And I’m in a group all the time… I mean I’m with my 1-year-old and 4-year-old very close to all the time and my husband sometimes.

I’m about to go away from my husband for three months, it’s nothing for me, it’s not hard at all, we are already used to six month, so three will feel like a weekend away to me.

I really treasure my kids, which is hard to explain, even to myself. I treasure and I hate being constantly with them. It’s complicated. It’s like an ice-cream sandwich that has strawberry, vanilla and chocolate, I have profound joy, mundane fatigue and also bitter hate for the amount of time I spend with my children all at the same time.

As a mom I love to know they are safe, completely safe, in a way baby sitters can’t and don’t offer for sure, I love to watch them, enjoy the good moments, but the good moments don’t spice up the constant dishes and laundry much, that’s the mundane fatigue of it, always a load of laundry waiting to go, no matter how many finish, always a meal coming up in a few hours, no matter how many are served, and the bitterness is being told to look at what they want me to notice too many times for it to be fun.

It’s horrible, wonderful and boring being a mom, for me at least. It’s a party of flavors… lemon, the pink one, and an unwanted orange one that isn’t lemon, but I don’t like either.

My daughter missed my sister, her best friend, her grandfather, Hawaii (which we typically live in for half the year, but not this year) and somehow that was enough for me to decide to go without really thinking about it at all. She was a four-year-old making the adult decisions in the family, but at least now she is a five-year-old making the adult decisions in the family…

We usually return from Hawaii right in time for my daughter’s birthday at the end of October, but this year we are leaving November 1st, more or less when would be coming back. The year started normal, became twisted and is now completely backwards for us, not bad, but strange and backwards.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world, my son was born last year, so this was my first full year with him and it had as many good points as any other year ever did. I didn’t have such a good time in the old normal years, I’m having a good time now. I tried to, I’m a trier, but I was often too busy. I went to college full time while I worked full time, try to have a fun time like that… it’s probably possible, but didn’t work out that way for me. Then kids while working full time, probably possible to enjoy, but again didn’t come out “super” enjoyable… so I’ve said a few times and as weird as it may be 2020 was the best year of my life by far.

Right at this moment, I’m sick, but I’m happy.

Finally through the birthday, Halloween looks to be very toned down this year, voting will be a chore, but not take to long, so about to turn my focus towards travel, hopefully I’ll travel better with snacks and movies for the first time like those other parents who seem to have their sh*t together, better than my husband and I have ever managed before.

Here’s to traveling with a “more” positive outlook this time around.

“Things are never so bad, that they couldn’t be worse.”

– Irish Proverb

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