“Plants and birds come in their turn “as the resolving seasons rise, above the tree-tops star by star,” and the steady advance of the changing season gets a definiteness and an interest to one otherwise impossible when he has learned to associate the visible signs of the progress of the year as they appear in the skies as well as on the earth. He will then associate the blooming of blood-root and the first warble of the bluebirds with the eastern splendor of Arcturus and the blooming of the maples.”

– Martha Evens Martin

Using the Night Sky Map on timeanddate.com I can see Arcturus was out last night from sunset to 2:30 AM, the best time is given as 8:14 PM

When I look outside here in Hawaii, there are so many more stars than the charts, it’s harder for me to find the constellations without a map, since there is not much black at all between the patterns.

The constellations typically are not real, as in they are not really grouped together, but just show together from here.

But even though the constellations are arbitrary, the stars are real and it’s a good way to find them. I found Antares last night and then using the Night Sky Map saw Saturn passed nearly where it had been later in the night, so it would let me know how to look around, which wasn’t very easy for me using the traditional star wheels.

Ever since picking up a used copy of “The Friendly Stars” I’ve been wanting to find Arcturus (4th brightest out of the 21st most bright from Earth).

In case you didn’t guess when the blue birds stir, maple and blood-wort bloom, it is in… March (all Northern Hemisphere, Southern will be different or reversed).

“Arcturus, as if impelled by the onrush of spring, is returning four minutes earlier each evening until at the beginning of April (my regional spring) the star rises just as the sun sets. This is really the month of its greatest glory. It shines all through the evening in the eastern heavens, bright even when the moon is full, and, fitting in with all the other aspects of nature, gives a splendid close to the splendid days of late April.”

– Martha Evens Martin

So in March I missed it rising, in April I missed it’s glory, and in May I didn’t notice it, but now at the end of June I will be able to catch it right after putting the kids to sleep… the star will rise in the same spot each day, but at different times, so that when it rises in the day I won’t see it, but the next year it will be back in it’s spot again. Maybe that is obvious to some readers, but it was new for me…

I will update this post upon seeing Arcturus. To be continued…

✨

“The man in the street does not know a star in the sky. The solstice he does not observe, the equinox he knows as little; and the whole bright calendar of the year is without a dial in his mind.”

– Emerson

A few times I’ve felt really connected to Marcus Aurelius, the long dead emperor of Rome, because he knew how hard it was to get up in the morning, because he knew what it was like to deal with A-holes at work, and now because we share a love of the stars.

“Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.”― Marcus Aurelius

Another translation:
Book 7, 47 – Watch the stars in their courses as one that runs about with them therein; and think constantly upon the reciprocal changes of the elements, for thoughts on these things cleanse away the mire of our earthly life.

I don’t usually stay up late, tonight I was awoken just before falling asleep, by a star 60,000 times brighter than our sun. Deneb (19th of the 21 brightest stars), it rises right into my bedroom window (Northeast), often waking me up… but before reading “The Friendly Stars” by Martha Evans Martin and Donald Howard Menzel, I never tried to figure out which it was. It’s part of the Northern Cross, but to me it’s part of the swan, Cygnus, deneb meaning it’s tail. So it looks to be flying backwards which is weird, but it’s a beautiful star.

One legend of this star was that it was the king of the Gods, Jupiter visiting Leda as a swan, which I don’t know if that is disturbing or not, so I prefer to think of it just as a pretty swan who is not going to rape any maidens.

The light from Deneb takes 1400 years to reach us, so it was the year 621 AD when the light I saw tonight left it’s star. That was the year Mohammed made his night journey, Spain was under attack by the Visigoths and China established a bureau for porcelain manufacturing. Islam, mixed Spaniards and knickknacks were happening when the light left Deneb and it arrived to wifi, the pandemic and my first season of harvesting from our tiny farm.

It makes me feel small, but somehow timeless, to look at the stars and know them a little bit.

I got “the Friendly Stars” at a free book cart behind a thrift shop, it was copyrighted in 1907, 1934, 1964 and 1966 on my copy. So probably 45 years old… the poster was still in good shape. It seems to have been read before, but treated well. It seems like who had it first wanted to share a good thing to someone else, but that is kind of impossible to really know.

As a child I learned the big dipper, and Orion’s belt, and then most my life nothing more.

Then I came to the big island of Hawaii, and it was amazing, to see how many stars there are, to see the dust, to see the nebula, looking with the naked eye in the center of this island is very much like staring at the poster or magazine pictures and I had no idea what was always out there, just behind the haze.

Granted this is the best place on Earth, the atmospheric interference is the least due to many factors, but wow, the real night sky, with no telescope or binoculars, it’s breathtaking.

So I met Deneb tonight, though it’s woken me many times, so bright that if I see it on accident it’s hard to fall back asleep. Deneb is a super giant, millions and millions of miles away, yet I can see it myself, there is something strange about that, about seeing so little in the day and on Earth, but so far at night and through space.

There is something so soothing about this book written in 1962, that is before my mother was born, but during the time of my father’s childhood, it’s as if my grandmother was talking, a style of English I remember from reading old books, that has since died being replaced by yelling news screeching style that reminds me of the legends of Harpies more than anything else.

If I stand in the front yard and look towards the sky my bedroom window shows I can see Vega above the swan and Deneb, and off to the right above the trees the Eagle with Altair.

Without Time and Date’s online astronomy guide I wouldn’t have been sure of any of the stars, but it makes it much easier, it can be used with your zip code and show you what stars are in each direction through out time to show if it’s worth it to stay up or wake up to catch a planet or star of interest.

https://www.timeanddate.com/astronomy/night/

When I started writing the Eagle was over my front yard, but since then Pegasus has risen there in the Northeast, stars rise in the East and set in the West as the sun (also a star) does.

“By the middle of the first summer month there is a lull in the noisy rush of the on-coming season. The dazzling blossoms of the fruit trees are scattered and almost forgotten, while the tiny green outlines of the fruit are quietly swelling towards their perfect form. The leaves on the forest trees have assumed their proper shape and are gradually expanding to full size. The old-fashioned annual roses are in their fullest glory. The blue jays have become stealthy and quiet; and most of the birds, while still in full song, have given over the frolicsome hilarity of the spring for the serious work of the nesting-time. Then there comes a soft June evening, with its lovely twilight that begins with the last song of the wood-thrush and ends with the first strenuous admonitions of the whippoorwill; and, almost as if it were an impulse of nature, one walks to the eastern end of the porch and looks for Altair.”

– Martha Evens Martin

Altair comes at the beginning of summer, it is 11 times brighter than our sun, the light takes 17 years to reach us, so when the light left Altair that I saw tonight I was a struggling college student 18 years old… about to go from one bad relationship I thought would last forever to another bad relationship I thought would last forever. Life was hard for me, I worked full time, went to class full time, I wanted much more from myself than I could do. I wanted to have all the wisdom I would someday have, immediately. I wanted to know my place in the world and not waste time making mistakes. I wanted to give and be a lot more than I could. I didn’t know how to enjoy the journey at that time. If I could go back, I would pick that age, it was a painful and disappointing age for me.

I was able to see Antares, which is due South, right out my front door, and is red, which is kind of wonderful. Antares is visible all night in June (and only in June). Antares is a red giant, 5,000 brighter than our sun, in it’s same place Earth’s position would be inside the star since it is larger than our sun. The light is about 400 years old… the Dutch East India company was slaughtering 15,000 indigenous people, Spanish conquistadors were founding cities in Venezuela and the first treaty between the Native Americans and pilgrims was signed… the age of colonialization was dawning when the red light from that beautiful star left to reach me tonight.

Vega was the only blue star I saw tonight, it’s whitish blue, but from my location, still unmistakably blue. 50 times brighter than our sun, it wakes me up when I see it at night, like Denub… it’s light 27 years old, so, I was about 8 years old when it left it’s star. My parents were just about divorced though my mom had already been dating around, for a long time… it would be the first year I saw a therapist. It wasn’t a good time for me, though my parents always fought and the divorce brought more peace, it broke the façade of a happy family that we sometimes publicly pretended to have. The rupture of our family 27 years ago, has never been healed, we are a collection of individuals some more broken and some less, but definitely lacking a unity based on the (in our case) disproven idea that “family is forever”. Vega is sometimes thought of as a harp (Lyre/Lyra) and other times a vulture. One thing I forgot about that year, was that it was the first time I noticed the stars, raised in the bright lights of Honolulu, I didn’t see the stars until spending that summer in the mountains with my grandparents. I took it for granted at that age, but didn’t make the time to look at the stars again for about 20 years… even though there have been there every night, we just don’t “have time” to look do we?

The last star was Draco, the dragon star which a long time ago was the pole star and still stays so far North it’s almost always there. It’s orange light takes us back 148 years to when Ulysses S. Grant was the U.S. president and the wars against the natives were ongoing.

So when the light left the red star Antares, the US was at peace with the natives, grateful and with good intentions, when the light left the orange star Draco (gamma), the US was wiping out the last major resistance of the natives, and when I was growing up as the light left the blue star Vega, most of the native population and culture had been wiped out of existence many places across the globe. When the light left Altair I thought love was everything, and now as I’m older and I look at these stars I notice that perspective really changes, as the dragon stars were once the pole stars and are no longer, so too do things change.

Love is still something, perhaps something important, but it’s not everything to me.

A lot of bad things have been done either in the name or in the company of love, love is something special and valid, yet I hope someday our species attains peace as well on a global scale and a lasting time frame.

🌃

I’ve been having brain fog so long and so consistently I looked around for an article about it and found “How to Lift

Pandemic Brain Fog” by Sharp Mesa Vista Hospital, they say the prolonged uncertainty causes a lot of stress that together with change in routine due to disruptions lead to a more sedentary life style and worse nutrition. That’s true for me, luckily we didn’t suffer anything major like a death of anyone not already the expected age (my grandpa did pass, but at 101 I wouldn’t call it a tragedy, just a loss), no one lost a job. But we suffered 1000 minor disruptions, the closure where we did school Friday at the science center, the closure of the beaches we went to Wednesday, the closure of our martial art’s school, the change of where we lived, the change of where we ate, a million little tiny things that don’t seem like enough to justify me being so thrown off, but still do result in me actually being thrown off.

Things are not all bad, my daughter’s school is set to open for her entry to kindergarten in Fall, I’ve been exercising for a few weeks, I’ve been drinking water and taking my daughter to therapy, but we have been eating like crap for some time and I sure do feel less well than normal.

So I’m trying to shake it off, but water, exercise and gardening have by all means been not nearly enough for me to feel well again.

So here’s the tips from the article:

Exercise the brain by trying new hobbies and engaging in mentally stimulating activities, such as doing puzzles, learning a new language, reading, and playing board and card games. ✔️

Engage in healthy, mood-elevating activities each day, such as listening to music, going for a walk, taking a soothing bath, calling a good friend or cuddling with a pet. ✔️

Practice mindfulness to help be in the present moment and away from negative thoughts about the past or future, calm emotions and bodily sensations, and slow down racing thoughts. 🚧

Learn ways to manage stress. This may include using relaxation techniques, such as breathing exercises, body scanning, progressive muscle relaxation, and letting go of unnecessary worries. 🚧

Practice sleep hygiene strategies each day to promote healthful sleep, which has a restorative effect on overall health, including brain health. Sleep deprivation can slow down the brain’s ability to function. 🚧

Avoid drugs and alcohol, as they can have negative effects on brain health and interfere with important aspects of functioning, such as sleep, mood and thinking abilities. ✔️

– Sharp Mesa Vista Hospital

I thought I was doing most those things, but looking back, I’m not, I’m hitting some areas hard like reading and gardening or playing games for fun, but not focusing on reducing stress or relaxing.

I’m going to try to see if any of those things I’ve neglected helps, starting with mindfulness and relaxation and hopefully I don’t have to change my sleep issues, because I don’t really want to go through night weaning yet, even though that may be part of the problem, it won’t be easy and I don’t want that struggle in my life on top of therapy and potty training.

I also looked for some inspiration from motivational quotes, I found a list of 300 and noted my favorite over some coffee:

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

– Helen Keller

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”

– Ayn Ran

Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

“No one is to blame for your future situation but yourself. If you want to be successful, then become “Successful.”

– Jaymin Shah

“Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.”

– Abraham Lincoln

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”

– Anne Frank

“Great things are done by a series of small things brought together”

– Vincent Van Gogh

“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”

– Lou Holtz

“Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”

– H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.”

– Napoleon Hill

“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”

– Albert Einstein

“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.”

– Maya Angelou

“Be happy with what you have while working for what you want.”

– Helen Keller

You’re so much stronger than your excuses.

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

– Rumi

“A surplus of effort could overcome a deficit of confidence.”

– Sonia Sotomayer

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

– Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches

“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.”

– Pirates of the Caribbean

“We realize the importance of our voices only when we are silenced.”

– Malala Yousafzai

“Failure is not the opposite of success, it’s part of success.”

– Arianna Huffington

“Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.”

– Judy Garland

“What hurts you blesses you.”

– Rumi

“The world is changed by your example, not by your opinion.”

– Paulo Coelho

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”

– Bruce Lee

“It’s not what you do once in a while it’s what you do day in and day out that makes the difference.”

– Jenny Craig

“Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die.”

– Brian Vaszily

“The adventure of life is to learn. The purpose of life is to grow. The nature of life is to change. The challenge of life is to overcome. The essence of life is to care. The opportunity of like is to serve. The secret of life is to dare. The spice of life is to befriend. The beauty of life is to give.”

– William Arthur Ward

“If you’ve never eaten while crying you don’t know what life tastes like.”

– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

– Louise L Hay

“One, remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Two, never give up work. Work gives you meaning and purpose and life is empty without it. Three, if you are lucky enough to find love, remember it is there and don’t throw it away.”

– Stephen Hawking

“A goal is a dream with a deadline.”

– Napoleon Hill

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”

– Maya Angelou

“Dreams are the seeds of change. Nothing ever grows without a seed, and nothing ever changes without a dream.”

– Debby Boone

“The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

– Socrates

“How to stop time: kiss. How to travel in time: read. How to escape time: music. How to feel time: write. How to release time: breathe.”

– Matt Haig

“The trouble is, you think you have time.”

– Buddha

“The greatest gift you could give someone is your time. Because when you give your time, you are giving a portion of your life you can’t get back.”

– Unknown

“Time always exposes what you mean to someone.”

– Unknown

“Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat is accepted as a reality.”

– Bruce Lee

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

– Confucius

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

– J.K. Rowling

“Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm”

– Winston Churchill

Whenever you feel like a failure, just remember that even Coca Cola only sold 25 bottles their first year

“Everything is hard before it is easy.”

– Goethe

“Either you run the day, or the day runs you.”

– Jim Rohn

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”

– Marcus Aurelius

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”

– Helen Keller

“The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has been before.’

– Albert Einstein

“The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.”

– Mark Twain

“Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.”
(Book 7, 47 of “Meditations” – Watch the stars in their courses as one that runs about with them therein; and think constantly upon the reciprocal changes of the elements, for thoughts on these things cleanse away the mire of our earthly life.)

– Marcus Aurelius

“Do something today that your future self will thank you for.”

– Unknown

“The greatest weapon against stress is the ability to choose one thought over another.”

– William James

“It takes nothing to join the crowd. It takes everything to stand alone.”

– Hans F. Hansen

“Motivation may be what starts you off, but it’s habit that keeps you going back for more.”

– Miya Yamanouchi

So out of 300, some were repeats, but about 50 spoke to me. Perhaps I’ll reflect on one a week for awhile.

To the people who are having trouble being productive yet, this article was for you, so you know you are not alone, I’m not sure if any of this is really helpful, but I hope we both find something that is. Cheers to getting back into a non-crisis mode.

🌄

I’m going to try a new writing technique, just a journal with the prompts: Truth, Candor, Kindness, Acceptance, Harmony, Wisdom, Kaizen.

Reflections of Truth:

I’m looking at the rain fall outside, tired from relocating one of my small greenhouses, but happy it got done so rapidly as well.

I washed the plastic cover, soaking it in a bucket of bleach all day I thought I could scrub it in the shower, and I did, yet… there was a slug on it… alive after a day of soaking in pretty concentrated bleach. I’ll never really ever trust bleach again the way I did before.

I had two small greenhouses right by the front door so I wouldn’t get rained on when I go to water, but actually I love the rain, so I’ve been thinking for awhile of moving the greenhouses away from where they are.

I’m not done thinking about where they should go, but I already moved one.

Some of the plants were so dry… I don’t remember skipping a day, did I forget to water or is the soil way to much peat moss? I’m not sure.

I made a whole tray of potatoes and sweet potatoes in soil, they are chunks of potatoes with eyes and three sweet potatoes to create more starts. Rather than having the potatoes in one greenhouse and the sweet potatoes in the other, they work well together in my mind.

I put all the flowers together as well, morning glories, marigolds, some wildflowers, I don’t know why I tend to neglect the flowers.

I put the beans together stage 1 (germination) and stage 2 (small sprouts), the roma tomatoes got stuck there for now as well.

Reflections of Candor:

I like gardening, it’s hard to get organized, but I like eating from the garden, I like making play spaces for the kids in the garden, I like watching it change and seeing what it looks like now vs what the future looks like in my imagination. I like the idea of leaving it to the kids, they will remember me in the garden, if they keep it, or if they don’t, I think the garden and I will merge in their minds. I don’t know what I was supposed to be to them, it’s not clear in my mind, but I just do what I can with it.

Reflections of Kindness:

Just learned PRIDE, praise, reflection, imitation, description and enthusiasm about playing with my kids from the therapist, that’s helpful. That would have been part of parenting training in an ideal world, but in real life I never heard about that training and declined, it just wasn’t evident if it was available, I would have like to go, but better late than never.

Reflections of Acceptance:

It’s a hard time because I’m still potty training, I don’t think I have to love dealing with accidents and cleaning them, as long as I don’t get angry at my kid, and do deal with them and do clean them, I don’t think I have to try to enjoy it, I think it’s too far away from the things I authentically enjoy to be realistic for me to enjoy.

Reflections of Harmony:

I’m playing with both my kids on a timer, three times a day for five minutes, it makes me feel better. I don’t know if it’s more than we played before, I think it may be less, but because it’s just with one at a time it does feel like I’m paying better attention to both of them. Then if they want more, I don’t feel as guilty, because I’ve done something.

Reflections of Wisdom:

Things are not the worst, but I feel so scatterbrained, I’ve got to check into an agenda or something to get some sense that I can stay on track… I hate this feeling of not knowing what is going on in my own life like I missed an episode of a soap opera… in my own life.

Reflections of Kaizen:

A lot of things are going better lately, cleaning the floors is a good routine, Tai Chi has been a really rewarding and fun routine, reading to the kids much more makes me feel less guilty and I enjoy it, all this stuff is good stuff I didn’t have patience and energy for during the pandemic. I’ve also been drinking about enough water now, which is good, a new bottle helped a lot. All that feels empty, even though I know its mostly good. I don’t know why it feels so hollow. Started therapy for my daughter, it’s going well, I’m really grateful to the therapist who is very helpful, yet it feels like it’s a win for HER. Which is good, I care for my daughter, yet I guess to some extent I’m dissatisfied as an individual entity, as a human being. As a mother, mostly the things I can be doing for the kids are doing well, but it doesn’t fill my own well being, it drains it. The gardening helps a lot, but it still feels like something is missing and off balance. I don’t know what it is? I keep wanting alone time, not having it, not spending money and energy to get a baby sitter and not being satisfied, I’m not really sure if I will change that or not. Since I’m spending extra on therapy, it doesn’t feel right spending extra on baby sitting just yet, maybe someday. But I don’t know if that would really help, because I don’t know what is really wrong, other than a nagging off balanced feeling that hasn’t gone away in a long time.

(The End of the Exercise)

This post was inspired by morning pages, Julian Cameron shared her technique for writers block in her book The Artist’s Way, much of it didn’t really work for me, but I kept the morning pages for years. Often morning pages are not shared, but they could be (in my opinion). It’s a good place to vent before you vent, or if you have no one to vent to, but that’s not all there is to it. It’s a starting place to try to know your own feelings for those of us who struggle to do that. Last week I thought about what seven values I wanted to live by more during the rest of this year and I used that list as a writing prompt for today. Free writing can be a kind of meditation, but sometimes it helps to have some kind of prompt.

🪆

What’s in a name?

Decided to name our home farm “the Secret Forest Farm” and named each section after a Steinbeck Novel since naming the “East of Eden” garden, which happens to be the most Eastern.

Farm experiments, corn with beans vs corn with manure:

Conclusion corn really likes steer manure, though it did scorch the leaves yellow at first.

The Moon Is Down Greenhouse and Garden:

East of Eden Garden:

The Wayward Bus Garden:

Garden Planning:

Trying to keep track of half an acre has been a challenge for me, coming from a very tiny container garden. Even though I know the details, I find I should be able to understand the whole picture somewhat as well, so that led me to draw it out and give names to the gardens using sketch.io a free drawing software that runs via the internet.

I’m really looking forward to the pumpkins in the Forgotten Village Garden and the flowers there have spouted, I also like the Pearl, which just has clover and a large tree, in the Winter of Our Discontent is just wheat right now, but it’s beautiful to me, the Long Valley has nothing other than the hedge growing in the boarder (Panax), East of Eden just has small trees and more hedge coming in, the Wayward Bus has bamboo and a square foot garden, the Moon is Down is starting to be a proper veggie garden, the Grapes of Wrath has no grapes, but I feel I have to grow some since naming it that, Of Men and Mice has watermelon I’m most looking forward to eating and a grass lawn that seems like it will be nice once it comes in (it’s a huge mud rectangle right now).

I took pictures of the front so far to try to remember what it looks like now and motivate myself that things change, although slowly, they do change.

Ok, writing that I took pictures of the back few gardens so in another season I can really look back and forward though time and see the changes. But I’ll have to upload them later because they are not synced yet…

The garden is a healing thing for me, I enjoy it, but I also doubt myself and struggle between biting off more than I can chew or not even getting started on things I want to do with the aquaponic section or in general. I keep watering so nothing dies, but I could be a lot better about cleaning, pruning and mulching… I haven’t even tried the new mulcher because I need a dry day that I have a baby sitter, both those things seldom occur and rarely occur together, but hopefully the stars will align for this weekend to try the mulcher.

Continuation:

Garden Overviews

Reading to Stay Sane:

I’m trying to transition out of a pandemic funk into whatever the next chapter of life is like… I read a book about goal setting called the Most Powerful Goal Achievement System in the World by Mike Pettigrew, I liked it, I really needed it at this time more than others.

My oldest child graduated preschool with a cute green cap and gown, even though it was only preschool, it’s actually a big thing. Because in the fall she will try school with the other kids and although I will have a two year old at home, it will be different with her gone.

My daughter starting school, my husband shopping for a new house, a lot of changes even after this past year of changes.

So, I’m trying to find peace where I can, within myself, started exercising again with Tai Cheng videos, I like them, it’s Tai Chi in video form with Dr. Mark Cheng.

Still trying to get along better with my daughter, reading her Dragon Mage by ML Spencer, very scary, but very good.

Just finished Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, a large chunk of both my family and my husband’s family are borderline, so it’s quite helpful, this book teaches you how to do DBT a treatment that can actually help those people and goes a long way for dealing with anyone easier.

I still feel overwhelmed with two kids, I feel like I’m trying to catch my breath and I can’t, but I experience moments of peace, when I play the piano for a few minutes, when I water the plants and notice a change in them, when I write (which I haven’t been) or brainstorm some goals on a note paper. I think right now I have to expand out my moments of peace rather than eliminating stress, because most of parenting, the crying, whining, falling down, cleaning, cooking, serving, being insulted, being interrupted, getting dirty, being exhausted, being dissatisfied, being confused… it’s just pure pain and stress to me.

No matter how I’ve tried to reframe the non-stop servitude, I haven’t succeeded in not being really tired of it all at the end of a real day. I don’t love it, not sure if I ever will. But I do love my kids, I just don’t love the nature of being a parent who does just about everything myself, even though I’m married. It made me mad at my husband at first, when we both worked, now that I don’t work, it makes me sad that the kids don’t get a whole lot of life lessons from him and I don’t get attention, love or a break from him, but at least we get money and at least things are peaceful between us. I’m tired, because I’m parenting for two to two kids, and that’s hard, it’s common, but it’s hard.

It’s been surprising that doing more doesn’t make it worse, doing other things take my mind of the bigger task, which is daunting, thankless, important, and tiring.

“If you plan for one year, plant kalo (taro). If you plan for 10 years, plant koa (a strong, native tree). If you plan for 100 years, teach the children.”

Hawaiian Proverb

I especially love this quote because it ties together my life, gardening veggies (including kalo), trees (including koa) and trying to teach my kids kindness and courage, and the less essential basic skills like reading.

Anyways, that’s life right now, kind of improving, but still off balance, hoping for a brighter future one day at a time.

⛅