I’m going to try a new writing technique, just a journal with the prompts: Truth, Candor, Kindness, Acceptance, Harmony, Wisdom, Kaizen.
Reflections of Truth:
I’m looking at the rain fall outside, tired from relocating one of my small greenhouses, but happy it got done so rapidly as well.
I washed the plastic cover, soaking it in a bucket of bleach all day I thought I could scrub it in the shower, and I did, yet… there was a slug on it… alive after a day of soaking in pretty concentrated bleach. I’ll never really ever trust bleach again the way I did before.
I had two small greenhouses right by the front door so I wouldn’t get rained on when I go to water, but actually I love the rain, so I’ve been thinking for awhile of moving the greenhouses away from where they are.
I’m not done thinking about where they should go, but I already moved one.
Some of the plants were so dry… I don’t remember skipping a day, did I forget to water or is the soil way to much peat moss? I’m not sure.
I made a whole tray of potatoes and sweet potatoes in soil, they are chunks of potatoes with eyes and three sweet potatoes to create more starts. Rather than having the potatoes in one greenhouse and the sweet potatoes in the other, they work well together in my mind.
I put all the flowers together as well, morning glories, marigolds, some wildflowers, I don’t know why I tend to neglect the flowers.
I put the beans together stage 1 (germination) and stage 2 (small sprouts), the roma tomatoes got stuck there for now as well.
Reflections of Candor:
I like gardening, it’s hard to get organized, but I like eating from the garden, I like making play spaces for the kids in the garden, I like watching it change and seeing what it looks like now vs what the future looks like in my imagination. I like the idea of leaving it to the kids, they will remember me in the garden, if they keep it, or if they don’t, I think the garden and I will merge in their minds. I don’t know what I was supposed to be to them, it’s not clear in my mind, but I just do what I can with it.
Reflections of Kindness:
Just learned PRIDE, praise, reflection, imitation, description and enthusiasm about playing with my kids from the therapist, that’s helpful. That would have been part of parenting training in an ideal world, but in real life I never heard about that training and declined, it just wasn’t evident if it was available, I would have like to go, but better late than never.
Reflections of Acceptance:
It’s a hard time because I’m still potty training, I don’t think I have to love dealing with accidents and cleaning them, as long as I don’t get angry at my kid, and do deal with them and do clean them, I don’t think I have to try to enjoy it, I think it’s too far away from the things I authentically enjoy to be realistic for me to enjoy.
Reflections of Harmony:
I’m playing with both my kids on a timer, three times a day for five minutes, it makes me feel better. I don’t know if it’s more than we played before, I think it may be less, but because it’s just with one at a time it does feel like I’m paying better attention to both of them. Then if they want more, I don’t feel as guilty, because I’ve done something.
Reflections of Wisdom:
Things are not the worst, but I feel so scatterbrained, I’ve got to check into an agenda or something to get some sense that I can stay on track… I hate this feeling of not knowing what is going on in my own life like I missed an episode of a soap opera… in my own life.
Reflections of Kaizen:
A lot of things are going better lately, cleaning the floors is a good routine, Tai Chi has been a really rewarding and fun routine, reading to the kids much more makes me feel less guilty and I enjoy it, all this stuff is good stuff I didn’t have patience and energy for during the pandemic. I’ve also been drinking about enough water now, which is good, a new bottle helped a lot. All that feels empty, even though I know its mostly good. I don’t know why it feels so hollow. Started therapy for my daughter, it’s going well, I’m really grateful to the therapist who is very helpful, yet it feels like it’s a win for HER. Which is good, I care for my daughter, yet I guess to some extent I’m dissatisfied as an individual entity, as a human being. As a mother, mostly the things I can be doing for the kids are doing well, but it doesn’t fill my own well being, it drains it. The gardening helps a lot, but it still feels like something is missing and off balance. I don’t know what it is? I keep wanting alone time, not having it, not spending money and energy to get a baby sitter and not being satisfied, I’m not really sure if I will change that or not. Since I’m spending extra on therapy, it doesn’t feel right spending extra on baby sitting just yet, maybe someday. But I don’t know if that would really help, because I don’t know what is really wrong, other than a nagging off balanced feeling that hasn’t gone away in a long time.
(The End of the Exercise)
This post was inspired by morning pages, Julian Cameron shared her technique for writers block in her book The Artist’s Way, much of it didn’t really work for me, but I kept the morning pages for years. Often morning pages are not shared, but they could be (in my opinion). It’s a good place to vent before you vent, or if you have no one to vent to, but that’s not all there is to it. It’s a starting place to try to know your own feelings for those of us who struggle to do that. Last week I thought about what seven values I wanted to live by more during the rest of this year and I used that list as a writing prompt for today. Free writing can be a kind of meditation, but sometimes it helps to have some kind of prompt.