Month: August 2021

โ˜” Week 34 – The Stoic Life ๐Ÿ–๏ธ

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Before: Boring Task List

Cleaning List Before (Google Keep)

Using Zazzle to make images to help me focus or get inspired, is one of my “jams”, I don’t buy them, I 1. personalize with edit and 2. then take a screen shot via “print screen”, 3. paste to sketchpad.io (via control + v) and viola, I have a more inspiring picture that is still clear.

After: Fun Inspiring Task List

Cleaning List Now (Zazzle – Cute Cartoon Vacuum House Cleaning Services Business Card)
So I can just see my daily tasks I separate them.

Living Stoic Quotes: Week 34

โ€œNothing is burdensome if taken lightly, and nothing need arouse one’s irritation so long as one doesn’t make it bigger than it is by getting irritated.โ€

– Seneca

My daughter just let me know she liked the pirate show she went to yesterday, at 6:45 AM, she let me know she wanted cereal at 6:45 AM… it makes me mad actually, because she is damn loud and other people are trying to sleep.

But I should take it lightly, I should remember she is five years old. Five year olds should be annoying and she is, so great, everything fine here.

Take it lightly… not don’t pretend it’s not annoying, but yes, take it lightly that it is annoying.

Take It Easy


Don’t let the sound of your own wheels
Drive you crazy. Lighten up while you still can
Don’t even try to understand.
Just find a place to make your stand…

 – The Eagles


“In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
…
The landlord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Don’t worry, be happy.”

 – Bobby McFerrin


Todo aquel que piense que la vida siempre es cruel (Anyone thinking that life is always cruel)
Tiene que saber que no es asรญ (Needs to know that it’s not like that)
Que tan solo hay momentos malos (That those are only bad moments)

y todo pasa. (And everything passes)

Todo aquel que piense que esto nunca va a cambiar (Anyone thinking this will never change)
Tiene que saber que no es asรญ (Needs to know)
Que al mal tiempo, buena cara, y todo cambia. (At a bad moment, have a good outlook, and everything changes)

– รšrsula Hilaria Celia Caridad Cruz Alfonso

Seneca’s statement that “Nothing is burdensome if taken lightly,” doesn’t say that it is easy to do that or that nothing irritating or bad happens in life, but that making it a bigger irritation will make it worse. It doesn’t say, you have to smile, you have to like it, you have to find a good in it, it just says don’t make it worse on yourself.

One thing that helps me not get irritated with the kids is “Father Forgets”,

โ€œListen, son; I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast, I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, โ€œGoodbye, Daddy!โ€ and I frowned, and said in reply, โ€œHold your shoulders back!โ€

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came Up the road, I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before you boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive โ€“ and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. โ€œWhat is it you want?โ€ I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding โ€“ this was my reward to your for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: โ€œHe is nothing buy a boy โ€“ a little boy!โ€

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your motherโ€™s arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.โ€

– W. Livingston Larned

But oh how fast I forget the feeling I have when I read that and go back to being irritated that my kids yell at me, ask for things they know are against the rules over and over, vie for attention, bicker over the smallest toy, refuse to use the toilet and then have an accident…

Part of it is that I hate it when they act dumb, and I don’t just let myself hate it. I don’t say internally, yep they are acting dumb again because their brains are like 50-70% functional so far… I try so hard to repress my truth that it keeps amplifying until I can’t ignore the truth of what I am feeling.

If I admit I hate kids acting normally in annoying ways it seems like I hate kids, and if I do hate kids I have two, and then if I hate kids and have two, I must not be good at making big decisions…

So either I’m not good at making big decisions or I hate kids… yet I think everyone really hates kids. Or most people. If most people didn’t hate kids there wouldn’t be 55 and older housing, that’s just there to avoid people raising young kids or who are young adult (older kids, the brain is “adult” at 26).

Yes we all hate kids, that’s why we don’t let them be many places that would be safe for them. Perhaps we also love kids, but the evidence of hating them is the children’s section at the library… go to your own section kids, despite your reading level, just go there.

Why do we old people hate kids? The noise is the big thing. Not all kids are noisy, but with no recourse to yell at, hit, kill, or explain to loud kids that are not your kids, kids have the power to interrupt peace and quiet pretty easily.

I really like quiet, but I was foolish in that as a quiet person I thought I would naturally have quiet kids, I was wrong. Very wrong.

So each time my kids are loud I see my own stupidity of thinking they would be quiet, I also don’t see how to fix the problem I’ve created for myself.

Kids tend to be happy being loud and be loud when they are happy, I tend to be happy when the environment is quiet and be quiet when I am happy.

So, it’s my fault and I don’t have a solution, but I shouldn’t take it out on the kids, they didn’t ask to be born into my family.

Maybe I’ll just keep earplugs on all day and tell them to email me if they have any questions?

One thing is that they will grow up, the little one is two, I’m guessing at six they will be decently not annoying, so four more years perhaps of almost non-stop annoying behavior I hate. Yet it’s my own fault and I will try to remember not to make it bigger than it is, because it will just be worse on me that way, which in a way is worse on everyone.

Note to self: Illegitimi non carborundum.

๐Ÿง’

๐Ÿง  Neuroscience ๐Ÿคฏ

01 emotional brain

Neuroscience – Mild Irritation would trigger the amygdala but as the hypothalamus shifts into a rage where thinking and well being diminish. Of course it’s more complicated because the hypothalamus does so much, love, happiness, lactation, rage and more… but there is a real shift from a bit irritated to rage and that is not a deeper shade of gray, but a whole different animal best avoided most of the time, or when logic is needed. ๐Ÿง 

๐Ÿ”ญ Self Leadership ๐ŸŒŸ

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Letting go of baggage:

I wake up in the morning to do self leadership, but I’ve been really scattered about exactly what that is and what to do in that time.

Before looking at books or things like that I want to define my own metric and set my own intentions. Basically I want to be mindful about what I’m going to do with my life that day. I know I may get off track later, but I do want to know, at least in the beginning what I will be doing.

One thing I noticed is that I am greatly aided by habits, if I always wash dishes, it becomes easy to do that, so I am making the habit of having self leadership time in the morning without even knowing what to do with it.

My daughter gets up at about 6 AM and tries to talk to me, I felt bad asking her not to, but 1. I need my own time, 2. she is loud, 3. I will not be nice to her if I’m talking to her before I really wake up and have coffee, because I’m not the sweetest person in the world. So I may as well let go of feeling bad for not wanting to talk to her in the morning and let her draw or do something she enjoys that is something else. I hate talking to anyone during the early morning, not just her. And my well being matters as much as hers, so I should stop feeling bad about it… it’s hard though. I feel like each chance to connect I don’t take I may regret later, yet I thus far have never regretted not talking to people from 6-7AM.

At my core is a little girl who was lonely, didn’t have anyone to talk to most of the day, grew into the silence, and eventually became so used to silence everything else is annoying.

I can’t really be present with myself when others are telling me what they think and feel, it’s not that I never care or want to hear, but it takes me away from being able to really check in with myself and figure out what I really want from life, eventually I get angry without knowing why. Because I’m not getting/giving myself what I need to thrive, which includes a little peace and calm in everyday.

I feel guilty for hating that my kids wake up early, it sure does make getting to school, or being on time for anywhere easier, I can feel that they will have an easy time leaving for work in the distant future, yet it means the struggle for personal time starts literally at dawn.

My kids don’t like me to have a potty break, a water break, they want me to serve food and drinks and bring towels and then run off to play without eating myself, they want me to play with them, look at their drawing, load their video game, say good job, ask about their “secrets”, look at their tiny scratch, they want me to be a constant spectator in their lives, and I get sucked into it so badly that I forget to be a spectator, coach or player in my own life. It’s a huge weak point for me, because I do love them and they are a priority, but both of them would grind me into the dust each day if I didn’t fight for my water break, potty break, meal breaks, cleaning breaks ext.

They have this desire to be seen and loved, and I want to see them and love them, but the amount of time they want and what I have to give them is a huge conflict. I’m still looking for a solution for that. Right now my daughter just brought me a rainbow picture to look at and said please look at this… a “good mom” would have perhaps like to, but I balled my fists up to not be rude, because I was questioned over and over at 6:20 about breakfast, I served breakfast at 6:58, and got interrupted again and again and again to brush hair, answer questions ext and I hate it. I don’t care about the rainbow picture, I can’t remember any times I enjoyed looking at my daughter’s pictures and I’m getting so close to saying that to her. Which makes me feel guilty. But it doesn’t help me shift into a mode where I like to be interrupted and look at her drawings. I like to see her in the process of drawing, I like to know she is doing well, but I just want to be left alone.

I’m noticing I have some anger and deep bitterness, it’s perhaps not pretty on paper (or in person) yet writing it makes me feel better.

The difference between the life I want and the life I have is the anger and burnout inside of my heart.

I am responsible for my life, I am the adult, but I’m only human, my boundary setting skills are low, my conflict resolution skills are low, my EQ is low, those lagging skills make it an uphill boundary to get enough time for myself.

If my kids had conflict resolution I wouldn’t need to be involved with trying to help with that and melt downs, EQ would speed up issues with family conflict so it didn’t waste an hour or half hour to talk things through and apologize, boundaries would give me the time to get my responsibilities done and not feel bad about putting them off because my life was too chaotic.

At the heart of my problem is that I have a special needs child and I always pencil her in for a regular needs time slot, I at some level don’t want to believe she is high needs, I know at some level that I, as I am, am pretty unhappy and uncapable of dealing with a special needs child. It scares me. It scares me to know that I am short tempered and independent and I somehow am supposed to step into a role that patient and nurturing people would be good at. It puts me in the position of either trying to be someone I’m not, or being uncomfortable with my workload.

It’s more work on a daily basis and I don’t enjoy it, I became burnt out a long time ago, guilting myself that my kids childhood passing doesn’t help the burnout at all. Knowing it will be over someday gives me hope that I will have wellbeing again, someday, but it doesn’t really let me know how to thrive now.

I know some people thrive, and possibly some people with kids thrive, but I’ve never done it. So six years into having kids, it’s a depressing span to be failing.

The whole time I didn’t give myself the time I need to be well.

I don’t want to wait for my kids to grow up to be well again, to enjoy life again, to be clear about who I am and what I like to do again. I don’t want to, but I don’t know if I will fight hard enough to establish boundaries to crawl out of the burnout ditch I’m in.

I don’t know if I can, I don’t know if I will, but I want to.

I don’t like who I am as a parent, I’ve become bitter, I’m rushing myself to help, so much so that the help is resentful and no one likes to live with a resentful person.

It’s not who I used to be, not who I want to be, but I’m not sure of a path forward.

Perhaps when I get angry I shouldn’t “try to be more patient”, but rather take a break from doing things I hate and resent (but may need to get done at some point) and actually do something with my life I enjoy at all?

Perhaps my anger is there to remind me I’m dying each day and I should enjoy life TODAY, at least a little bit?

I guess I have a tendency to let myself become mentally a martyr mom, I do less than other moms already, so I think “I’m not doing enough for them,” and people in my life are quick to join in and think of things I’m not doing enough of, enough cleaning the whole family’s mess, enough supporting the whole family’s emotions (which I hate), enough spending time with my kids because they are still acting up and my dad thinks it’s because they don’t get enough attention… but if I stop for a minute and think I can’t do this much without being burnt out, so I shouldn’t add more, I shouldn’t buy into what other people would like to burden me with… that makes more sense. It makes sense that I would need to do less, take a break, make an attempt at healing from the burnout now instead of in 16 years… after being bitter for my children’s whole childhood.

I need to slow down a bit, I need to fight for time alone, I need that time alone, I need to make new habits.

In essence I need to consider myself equal to the kids, so it’s not them eating and me washing their dishes and drying them and setting up their next toys without eating myself. That needs to stop or I’m never going to not be bitter and I won’t even stay well enough to do that anyways.

Also I need to prioritize by energy not just time. Right now the limiting resource is energy.

I need to shift from sprint pace to marathon pace.

In “The Last Green Valley” there is a time when the horse wagon driver has to whip his two horses to avoid being caught in a tank battle, I’ve been treating myself like that for too long.

I’ve been bearing the burden of being responsible for my kids alone for too long, now that my daughter is in a school a few hours I clean and take care of my son and I am still busy and I can see that I had too much to do before.

Some kids need one on one attention, if you have one and have another kid, wow, it’s kind of brutal, but no one may notice because normal kids can be handled in groups of two or four or whatever. But my reality is I have a child who would do better one on one and a second child and it’s going to be a little FUBAR even on a good day.

So I need to prioritize what I want to get done, know that it will take a lot of effort to appear as if we are normal, when we really are not, and forgive myself that every one in my life makes comments about my being an “underperformer” compared to before.

I notice that I’ve been off loading a lot of emotional baggage and also strategizing how I can be a different person in the way I set boundaries, I think that is probably something that will come up a lot during self leadership.

Yesterday, the week wasn’t updated, some of the project list wasn’t either.
Today, I changed “people” to tidying and updated some of the other things…

Focusing on what I want:

โ€œHow do you defeat terrorism? Donโ€™t be terrorized.โ€

-Salmal Rushdie

The kids in a way terrorize me, or I let myself be terrorized by them. Also cleaning and meal planning, it feels like they are ahead and I’m behind and getting further and further behind.

Today we decluttered the office, I watered most of the plants, I think I will alternate between the front and the back watering rather than try to do it all each day, I think that may be alright.

This is a super mundane post, but I’m going to post it anyways because something about that makes me more accountable.

๐ŸŒ 

๐Ÿคบ Working Through Overwhelm โœ”๏ธ

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Working with the list of things to do and things on my mind from the last post:

Adult Stuff: Medical Form to Fax ๐ŸŽ‰, Insurance Form to Fax ๐ŸŽ‰, Additional ID Source to Get Before Appointment for Licence (Tried to Log In but Security Shut Out)… bait cockroaches every two months ๐ŸŽ‰ , bathe dogs when they scratch ๐ŸŽ‰ wash their bedding Sunday and Thursday ๐ŸŽ‰ , poison slugs ongoing during dry weeks ๐ŸŽ‰ .

Building Stuff: Mosquito Netting on Patio, Mosquito Netting by Pond, Drip Irrigation for Hedges, Filter for Gutter

Farm Stuff: Watering, Lawn, Fertilizing Hedges, Prune Veggies, Transplant, Build More Garden Beds, Mulch, Tidy Paths, Pathway Edging, Large Back Pond, Small Side Pond, New Pond, Aquaponic System Switch, Mushroom Logs, Bonsai Area, Water System, Watermellon Trial Locations, Moss Garden, Weed Rasberry, Weed Ginger, Set Up Compost System, Source Clemintine Trees, Research Wasabi Root

Minimalist Stuff: Declutter: 1. Office, 2. Closet 1, 3. Closet 2, 4. Green House, 5. Green House 2, 6. Patio, 7. Chicken Coopย 8. Bathroom, 9. Kitchen 10. Clean Windows

Personal Stuff: 1. Cello, 2. Piano, 3. Time with Child, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 4. Meal Planning, 5. Cleaning Routine, 6. Exercise, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 7. Writing, 8. Art Projects, 9. Reading

Responsibilities: 1. Care for 5-Year-Old, 2. Care for 2-Year-Old, 3. Clean Dishes, 4. Prep Meals, 5. Watch Fish, 6. Feed Dogs, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 7. Let Out Chickens, 8. Put Away Chickens, 9. Feed Chickens, 10. Wash Dogs, 11. Shush Dogs, 12. Educate 5-Year-Old, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 13. Prep 2-Year Old for school, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 14. PCIT Training Each Day, 15. Reading with Kids, 16. Doing Laundry, 17. Pick Up from School, 18. Drop Off from School, 19. Constant Emails from School, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 20. Sending Photos and taking Calls from Husband, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 21. Picking Up and Dropping Off Dad and Sister from Airport.

Extra Issues: 47. Fixing pond leak, ๐ŸŽ‰ 48. fixing pond flow rate, ๐ŸŽ‰ 49. wondering if husband will move to my state or buy home in his state,๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 50. wondering how daughter will adjust to school, ๐ŸŽ‰ 51. wondering if Iโ€™m doing the right things in life, 52. wondering what my purpose is,๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 53. struggling to get along well with dad. ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ

Pandemic Issues: 54. ethical questioning if I owe others to get vaccinated, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 55. needing masks, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 56. remembering masks, 57. needing to wash kids mask, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 58. needing to answer questions to kids about COVID again and again, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 59. needing to remind kid about mask, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 60. fighting with family about COVID, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 61. fighting with kids to wear mask, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 62. hating COVID, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 63. hating government, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 64. hating hating COVID, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 65. hating hating government, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 66. hating COVID opinion shouting, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 67. hating the waiting feeling, 68. hating not knowing if things will ever really go back to being non-germaphobic again. 69. hating the stress of COVID with little kids together. ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ

Philosophical issues: Separation Anxiety 69. Am I doing enough to help others, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 70. am I a decent person, 71. does it matter what an individual does, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 72. does life go on, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 73. is there more life in the galaxy, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 74. will we leave Earth soon for Mars ext, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 75. should I be more patient or am I right to be who I am as I am, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ76. what meaning should I ascribe to my life, 77. am I living fully, 78. do I need to exercise for health or is it a waste of time when healthy, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 79. should I be eating meat or not ethically, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 80. should I be doing more for the environment, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 81. should I be doing more for orphans, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 82. should I have written a book as I committed to doing, ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ 83. am I pushing myself too hard or not enough?

Doing some stuff today and letting go of a lot mentally because I see how it isn’t helping or fun or necessary to think about all the things “other people/family/the news says to think about”, it becomes:

Adult Stuff: Additional ID Source to Get Before Appointment for Licence (Done for now: bait cockroaches every two months, bathe dogs when they scratch, wash their bedding Sunday and Thursday, poison slugs ongoing during dry weeks.)

Responsibilities: 1. Care for 5-Year-Old, 2. Care for 2-Year-Old, 3. Clean Dishes, 4. Prep Meals, 5. Watch Fish, 6. Let Out Chickens, 7. Put Away and Feed Chickens, 8. Wash Dogs, 9. Shush Dogs, 10. PCIT Training Each Day, 11. Reading with Kids, 12. Doing Laundry, 13. Pick Up from School, 14. Drop Off from School, 15. Picking Up and Dropping Off Dad and Sister from Airport.

Minimalist Stuff: Declutter: 1. Office, 2. Closet 1, 3. Closet 2, 4. Green House, 5. Green House 2, 6. Patio, 7. Chicken Coop 8. Bathroom, 9. Kitchen 10. Clean Windows

Pandemic Issues: 1. remembering masks, 2. hating the waiting feeling, ๐Ÿ”ฅ 3. hating not knowing if things will ever really go back to being non-germaphobic again. ๐Ÿ”ฅ

Personal Stuff: 1. Cello, 2. Piano, 3. Meal Planning, 4. Cleaning Routine, 5. Writing, 6. Art Projects, 7. Reading

Philosophical issues: 1. Separation Anxiety 2. am I a decent person? 3. what meaning should I ascribe to my life? 4. am I living fully? 5. am I pushing myself too hard or not enough? 6. wondering if Iโ€™m doing the right things in life?

Farm Stuff: Watering, Lawn, Fertilizing Hedges, Prune Veggies, Transplant, Build More Garden Beds, Mulch, Tidy Paths, Pathway Edging, Large Back Pond, Small Side Pond, New Pond, Aquaponic System Switch, Mushroom Logs, Bonsai Area, Water System, Watermellon Trial Locations, Moss Garden, Weed Rasberry, Weed Ginger, Set Up Compost System, Source Clemintine Trees, Research Wasabi Root

Building Stuff: Mosquito Netting on Patio, Mosquito Netting by Pond, Drip Irrigation for Hedges, Filter for Gutter

Then letting go as much as I can of all pandemic stress, which I just don’t want to give any more energy to:

Adult Stuff: 1. Additional ID Source to Get Before Appointment for Licence, 2. Clean Windows (Done for now: A. bait cockroaches every two months, B. bathe dogs when they scratch, C. wash their bedding Sunday and Thursday, D. poison slugs ongoing during dry weeks.)

Responsibilities: 1. Care for kids, 2. Foodservice 3. Feed Fish, 4. Chicken Feed and Cooping, 5. Dog Wash and Shush, 6. Playtime with kids, 7. Reading with Kids, 8. Laundry, 9. School Transport 10. Airport transport. 11. Remember mask.

Minimalist Stuff: Declutter: 1. Office, 2. Closets, 3. Green Houses, 4. Patio, 5. Chicken Coop 6. Bathrooms, 7. Kitchen

Personal Stuff: 1. Cello, 2. Piano, 3. Meal Planning, 4. Cleaning Routine, 5. Writing, 6. Art Projects, 7. Reading

Mindfulness: 1. Separation Anxiety 2. am I a decent person? 3. what meaning should I ascribe to my life? 4. am I living fully? 5. am I pushing myself too hard or not enough? 6. wondering if Iโ€™m doing the right things in life?

Farm Stuff: 1. Watering, 2. Lawn, 3. Fertilizing Hedges/Drip System, 5. Prune, 6. Transplant, 7. Build More Garden Beds, 8. Mulch, 9. Tidy Paths, 10. Pathway Edging, 11. Ponds, 12. Aquaponic System Switch, Mushroom Logs, Bonsai Area, Water System, Watermellon Trial Locations, Moss Garden, Weed, Compost, Buy Clemintine Trees, Research Wasabi Root

Home Improvement Stuff: Mosquito Netting on Patio, Mosquito Netting by Pond, Filter for Gutter

So now I can make a note of the list and a shorter list as well:

Priority Stuff: Get Additional ID Source to Get Before Appointment for Licence, clean windows, play with kids, declutter office, play cello, ask if I’m living fully?, water plants.

So, adding two notes to Google Keep, a master to do and a pinned shorter to do… using bitmoji for pictures.

This last step is important, bridging what I want to do and what I can remember I want to do in real life is important.

So I’ll keep trying to build my hard habits and get through my tasks and maybe I’ll try to wake up earlier to check into the master list and move things from the master list to the priority list as possible.

Just doing this exercise has made me feel more on top of things, it motivated me to get the faxes out that needed to go out and so I see that right now when I have a minute I can clean windows or play cello to make progress towards my overall goals of a well-balanced life and/or a clean organized home.

๐ŸŽญ

๐Ÿ’ฃ The Last Green Valley ๐Ÿž๏ธ

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Just read “The Last Green Valley,” by Mark Sullivan, it was a historical fiction book based on a real story of a farming family who had to leave East Europe to find somewhere to thrive, which eventually they did in Montana.

I feel so many parallels to the book in my own life, that I can’t comment on it as a book.

The main characters are a couple, a man who doubts himself and feels a loss of control, a mother who is fairly consumed with taking care of her two children in troubled times without her husband. I feel like both people. I don’t know if it was intended in the writing, but the book seems to draw you into all the people as mirrors of yourself.

Since moving to the house I live in now we had slugs (gray, Cuban, semi-slugs, and leopard slugs), skip beetles, spiders, mice, feral cats, orb weaver spiders, plaster bagworms, hammerhead worms, fire ants, German cockroaches, and now fleas. I think the fleas are under control, with boric acid and salt, vacuuming, bathing the dogs, cleaning the baseboards with soap and water, steaming the floor and baseboards, but who knows. I also poisoned the slugs again today, but that is never-ending. We also have mosquitos, flies, and stray chickens, but for some reason, those just seem normal and inevitable.

So again I’m behind in my gardening and organizing, but that’s just life, at least the main parts of the house are useable and pretty decent looking.

So I’m trying to think of an inventory of what needs to get done and it’s so much I feel like I have to write it out this time:

Adult Stuff: Medical Form to Fax, Insurance Form to Fax, Additional ID Source to Get Before Appointment for Licence

Building Stuff: Mosquito Netting on Patio, Mosquito Netting by Pond, Drip Irrigation for Hedges, Filter for Gutter

Minimalist Stuff: Declutter: Office, Closet 1, Closet 2, Green House, Green House 2, Patio, Chicken Coop

Farm Stuff: Lawn, Fertilizing Hedges, Prune Veggies, Transplant, Build More Garden Beds, Mulch, Tidy Paths, Pathway Edging, Large Back Pond, Small Side Pond, New Pond, Aquaponic System Switch, Pest Control of Slugs, Mushroom Logs, Bonsai Area, Water System, Watermellon Trial Locations, Moss Garden, Weed Rasberry, Weed Ginger, Set Up Compost System, Source Clemintine Trees, Research Wasabi Root

I felt a little stupid that I have to write out what I’m trying to think about doing soon, but now that I see it, I understand why I’m overwhelmed and a lot of my life has shifted.

It used to be my problems with my daughter and enrichment of her education took up 70% of my mental energy, but today she is in kindergarten at a wonderful charter school we were unexpectedly able to get into via lottery.

So they are now my village and I’m able to do other things now that were really too much before, I’m able to start doing more enrichment with my second child, get the house “really” clean, think about cooking better food, possibly exercise, play cello, play piano, read, write, draw, work on projects…

Personal Stuff: Cello, Piano, Time with Child, Meal Planning, Cleaning Routine, Exercise, Writing, Art Projects, Reading

So, it’s a lot of things swirling around my head.

Adult Stuff: 1. Medical Form to Fax, 2. Insurance Form to Fax, 3. Additional ID Source to Get Before Appointment for Licence

Building Stuff: 1. Mosquito Netting on Patio, 2. Mosquito Netting by Pond, 3. Drip Irrigation for Hedges, 4. Filter for Gutter

Minimalist Stuff: Declutter: 1. Office, 2. Closet 1, 3. Closet 2, 4. Green House, 5. Green House 2, 6. Patio, 7. Chicken Coop 8. Bathroom, 9. Kitchen

Personal Stuff: 1. Cello, 2. Piano, 3. Time with Child, 4. Meal Planning, 5. Cleaning Routine, 6. Exercise, 7. Writing, 8. Art Projects, 9. Reading

So about 25 things on my radar right now other than my main responsibilities:

Responsibilities: 1. Care for 5-Year-Old, 2. Care for 2-Year-Old, 3. Clean Dishes, 4. Prep Meals, 5. Watch Fish, 6. Feed Dogs, 7. Let Out Chickens, 8. Put Away Chickens, 9. Feed Chickens, 10. Wash Dogs, 11. Shush Dogs, 12. Educate 5-Year-Old, 13. Prep 2-Year Old for school, 14. PCIT Training Each Day, 15. Reading with Kids, 16. Doing Laundry, 17. Pick Up from School, 18. Drop Off from School, 19. Constant Emails from School, 20. Sending Photos and taking Calls from Husband, 21. Picking Up and Dropping Off Dad and Sister from Airport.

So that’s 46 things on my mind, which is really too much for me to feel good about. For some people, it may feel productive, but for me, it feels horrible. I’m not sure how much I can handle, but that much is… past comfortable. Every little tiny change makes me irritable because I’m already overloaded.

Somehow writing it down feels good though.

I stopped watering my plants and some are really young, so that’s not good. It’s been since Monday, so today is day 4. I know I’m really overwhelmed when I stop watering my plants. I used to do it in the morning, but I can’t see that happening now with a school drop-off, we do a short language lesson, meal, getting ready, play time together for 15 minutes, and it just isn’t going to work for watering now. When I get home I feel like cleaning, but I should have watered then instead, doing it late feels weird.

The first day I left my daughter at school I felt so much separation anxiety there was no way I was going to be very productive, the second day she failed the temperature check in the check in and I educated her from home, so today the third day is the start of having time without her. I cleaned up a lot rather than play with my son, because I’m clearing out fleas so that they won’t be here anymore.

I think it’s valid, but my son so often gets swept under the rug.

Extra Issues: 47. Fixing pond leak, 48. fixing pond flow rate, 49. wondering if husband will move to my state or buy home in his state, 50. wondering how daughter will adjust to school, 51. wondering if I’m doing the right things in life, 52. wondering what my purpose is, 53. struggling to get along well with dad.

Then the pandemic has extra issues,

Pandemic Issues: 54. ethical questioning if I owe other to get vaccinated, 55. needing masks, 56. remembering masks, 57. needing to wash kids mask, 58. needing to answer questions to kids about COVID again and again, 59. needing to remind kid about mask, 60. fighting with family about COVID, 61. fighting with kids to wear mask, 62. hating COVID, 63. hating government, 64. hating hating COVID, 65. hating hating government, 66. hating COVID opinion oversharing, 67. hating the waiting feeling, 68. hating not knowing if things will ever really go back to being non-germaphobic again. 69. hating the stress of COVID with little kids together.

So 68 things on my mind. I guess it’s normal, but it feels like too many. Is there a way to be responsible without feeling the weight of being responsible?

Then philosophical issues: 69. Am I doing enough to help others, 70. am a decent person, 71. does it matter what an individual does, 72. does life go on, 73. is there more life in the galaxy, 74. will we leave Earth soon for Mars ext, 75. should I be more patient or am I right to be who I am as I am, 76. what meaning should I ascribe to my life, 77. am I living fully, 78. do I need to exercise for health or is it a waste of time when healthy, 79. should I be eating meat or not ethically, 80. should I be doing more for the environment, 81. should I be doing more for orphans, 82. should I have written a book as I committed to doing, 83. am I pushing myself too hard or not enough?

So 83 things on my mind… at each level I think, that’s all there is, then I realize there are more things.

In the past I would write “morning pages” maybe a mind like mine really needed that brain dump aspect of morning pages, which are two pages of anything on your mind.

My mind holds on to a lot, for good and bad. I don’t forget an average amount, yes a bit, but barely at all. So my life is a massive yarn ball, rather than a tapestry. Perhaps I’ll have to weave it into a story for myself, not because I want to or think it will be cool or inspiring as a story, but rather to get it off my mind so I can live freely as I imagine other people live.

I guess I’ve been holding onto too much mental clutter waiting for someday to clear it up.

“The Last Green Valley” it has a similar theme to my life, it’s the theme of trying to enjoy life and be grateful, yet it has a Christian take on it and I don’t that share that. I can’t quite put my finger on why or what the distinction is. It’s not as simple as, I’m not part of that group and they mentioned it, it’s more complicated than that. It’s more of a philosophical distinction, between the philosophy that God changes the world for people to suit their heart’s desires and my understanding that people compete or cooperate to attempt to get what they want largely independently of God. That’s why the story doesn’t resonate with me on a deep level. It’s a good enough story, yet the story of one family being successful during that dark time doesn’t to me prove that it’s because of their ability to dream, I think Ann Frank had just as much faith in God and the ability to dream. Ultimately I don’t believe in.

I thought about it for some time, it’s not that I don’t believe God does ever, or could help, I just don’t believe every little thing is destiny or God is concerned with each penny of each person’s income tax. I’m sure if God does help it’s more of a from time to time thing, that’s how I feel anyway. That puts me in a slender middle ground, there are many people who don’t believe in God or not a God who helps and many who believe God will help and should be involved in ALL things. I think it’s more like we are ground soldiers and sometimes we call in for an airstrike and we get one, and sometimes we don’t. I put off thinking about it for a long time because many people tried to push beliefs on me when I was younger and the whole topic got a bad taste in my mouth, but it feels better knowing what I think than it did as a cloudy unknown. Of course, I know there is no real evidence (that I am aware of) for any side, but even so, we have a guess deep within our hearts and whether we say so or not or know what it is or not, it does affect the way we think of the events that happened in history and in our lives. I think for a long time I didn’t want there to be a God, because I didn’t want a God that would let war and genocide and rape ext happen, yet they do happen, so either you blame God or have a God who is super mysterious so that you can’t understand why God allows those things or a God who gives humans free will and humans than do those things, without being stopped.

God is a distant concept for me, but there still is no way I can believe in a God who has a hand in everything who still has ethics I want to be a part of.

God if they do micromanage everything that happens is a force I don’t want to be personally involved with. I’m not angry at God, because I don’t really believe that God has a hand in every little thing. I think it’s us humans who make a lot of problems for ourselves and do horrible things when we act without thinking. I think there is a God, and they are involved in some ways with us, but I don’t think it’s in a way understood by any religion I’ve ever come across.

Writing this down has helped a lot. I think “The Last Green Valley” specifically brought the question of God to my mind, it wasn’t in a bad way, but they definitely drew conclusions influenced by and in alignment with Christianity more than is true for me.

I found the book uplifting, yet I found the beliefs some of the characters had to be understandable and powerful, yet not exactly true, the belief that if you hold a dream in your heart and work towards it, it will certainly come true, I don’t believe that. Yet I do believe that we can usually achieve our dreams. For example, I wanted to bring my miscarried baby back from death to life and see her grow up with her twin that survived, if I held that in my heart, it wouldn’t come true. It really wouldn’t.

So for me it’s a mix of dreams that can come true and dreams that can not and never will. Like in Full Metal Jacket, the Born to Kill, and Peace Symbol, I see duality in life, not dichotomy.

I was reading the book before bed, hoping to escape from the stress of life, but it caused me to question myself and become more present with life, so it was kind of a success and a failure. It was inspiring, but draining, when I was hoping for soothing.

Noteworthy Historical Fiction Rounding Out the Human Experience of WWII

It’s hard to comment on the book as a book because it was pretty accurate on many accounts and it was mostly an accurate life story, so it becomes really “uncomfortable” for me to say, “your life story sucks” or “your life story was great, I liked when you fought off rape and your relative’s legs got cut off…” it becomes in a sense awkward for me to comment on someone else’s life and family. Yet in a way war is better told like that, so it’s not 1 of 10,000 soldiers and 1 out of 8,000 civilians dead, but rather, my uncle who liked to laugh and fish, gone. Since they are real people on a massive scale, I’ve always liked real stories better, yet there is an awkwardness to being able to talk about them, there is a dignity it feels like the dead should carry that makes it awkward to consider them in the same way fictional characters can be analyzed and diced up into simple boxes. I think I understood why Mark Sullivan took so much time to be so accurate, I think even as an author, that he didn’t want to write this story, but just tell it, for the world to consider the true cost of war, the true value of life, the effect of government oppression, and the value of hope and goals and the cost of holding hate, particularly hate of God on a long term basis.

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