“People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it’s true, or because they are afraid it might be true.“

– Terry Goodkind 🕊️

GOAL REMINDERS:

This week: I placed two of the slug beer traps Monday, the chickens help reduce the slugs, but they are still around too much, I put one in the slug jar Sunday.

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS:

Stuff coming up: Check-In With Student Loan

Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. 🎵 SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Mental Health: Vacillating between tired of cleaning and tired of a mess. Frustrated with the way my kids prefer to listen if they get punished, I would prefer a kinder gentler world, but they simply don’t respond to positive reinforcement without negative reinforecement no matter what studies say, my kids won’t behave without periodic punishment.

Physical Health: Getting back to health, should be more grateful for that.

Social Health: Things are medium, good people left my life, some good people are left but now there are less helpers and the same burdens.

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LIFE JOURNAL:

Saturday: Last week we went to the market, caves, a waterfall and for pizza, good, but busy as well. This week I unloaded the car from camping, planted blueberries, protected them with scrubby pad rings, I cleaned some leaves off the lawn. I was a bit tired from camping. The blueberries make me feel like a small farm.

Sunday: Last week I made juice from Soursop and we got our dog’s urn returned. This week the weekend felt like it passed so quickly. Saturday and Sunday were a blur of cleaning up the camping stuff. The tent was easy, but just load after load of tables, coolers, buckets of food, clothes, kid’s clothes, jackets, scout equipment… It was most of Saturday putting away camping stuff, doing dishes, doing laundry, then Sunday catching up on laundry, and organizing the three new medium containers.

I’ve had a busy month moving bamboo, sharing school tips, two birthdays, my sister’s surgery, picking up the dog’s ashes, the scout group growing, camping trip and some family tension through it all. So it makes sense things were getting messy, but I also have to deal with it. The bedroom wasn’t too bad to do the first draft of cleaning, everything off the floor, vacuum/mop, toys and books away, but there are cluttered buckets still.

My sister and I cleaned the lizard water and cage and cleaned the floors, I organized and labeled the scout/educational stuff and put it away in the office. I used all my new buckets I kind of need more buckets already. I kept sorting things and yet at the end of the day I still have a lot more clutter to go through.

Monday: Last week we were returning to school after spring break, doing assessments and reviews with Brainscape flashcards. This week in school we made a lot of progress in Spanish and Agriculture.

Tuesday: Last week rested on the last chill day before the camping trip. This week we covered Spanish future and past tense catching up to 80% where we should be as well as doing a lot of yard work.

To do for blueberries: Mix 1 tablespoon baking soda with 1 tablespoon vegetable oil and 1 teaspoon dish soap in 1 gallon of water.

To do for strawberries: prep a new bed area…

Got some peat pods coming for guanabana seeds and waiting for peat pods for them and 5 gallon bags for those…

Wednesday: Last week we lost two students and got a new student in martial arts. This week doing slime again and elephant toothpaste:

The Science:

The yeast contains an enzyme called Catalase that breaks down hydrogen peroxide (H₂O₂) into oxygen gas and water. The oxygen gas gets trapped by the soap, and you get a large foamy solution that squirts out of the top of the bottle!

The cool thing about this activity is that the enzyme Catalase can also be found in potatoes, dogs and even us! We have the same enzyme in our bodies. That is why you see the 3% hydrogen peroxide bubble when you put it on a cut or scrape. The oxygen released is what kills the germs in the cut. We have this enzyme because we naturally produce low amounts hydrogen peroxide as a byproduct of oxidative metabolism (the way that a cell gains useful energy). Our cells need energy, but low amounts of hydrogen peroxide are produced and need to be neutralized through enzymes like Catalase.

We did the elephant toothpaste and the slime, we had one student come for karate and that was nice. At the end of the night, we heard a song live, one I remember that had Waipi’o in it.

Hi’ilawe

Kamaka ka ikena ia Hi’ilawe
I ka papa lohi mai a’o Maukele

Kamaka ka ikena ia Hi’ilawe
I ka papa lohi mai a’o Maukele

Pakele mai au i ka nui manu
Hauwala’au nei puni Waipi’o

Pakele mai au i ka nui manu
Hauwala’au nei puni Waipi’o

A’ole no wau e loa’a mai
A he uhiwai au no ke kuahiwi

A’ole no wau e loa’a mai
A he uhiwai au no ke kuahiwi

He hiwahiwa au no ka makua
A he lei ‘a’i na ke kupuna

He hiwahiwa au no ka makua
A he lei ‘a’i na ke kupuna

Na Puna ke ‘ala i hali’ia mai
Noho i ka wailele a’o Hi’ilawe

Na Puna ke ‘ala i hali’ia mai
Noho i ka wailele a’o Hi’ilawe

Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Kamaka ka ‘ikena ia Hi’ilawe

Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Kamaka ka ‘ikena ia Hi’ilawe

Thursday: Last week I made fire using a fire bow, this week my favorite place came up on Momentum, Half Dome. It’s a sleepy day, my daughter covered a lot of Agriculture and my son covered a lot of preschool sign language and sight words. I moved our beds, washed the floor, mattresses, and basebords with concrobium mold control spray a lot of mold had grown between this time and last time. In the middle of laundry it seems interminable.

Friday: Last week I watched a scout use the bowline knot to repel off a eucalyptus tree. This week I was making nan with a new recipe.

I wrote this poem today:

מעוף דרור

.דרורים עפים; לאן שהם הולכים, יש אנשים טובים

My week is over as well as a good portion of the year, a quarter past, three to go of this year and I wonder again if a year means anything if Earth is special, or is it just a random 3/12 of a time that is arbitrary? Is a year special or artificially important? I don’t have a gut feeling of it either way.

but it does feel like an ending this week. My friend left… last Friday they brought me blueberry plants, this week they are six hours away, so far that the sunrise is a quarter of a day different, they moved into my past and left us in their future. by the time I was done with my daughter’s coding class and dinner I had a new message ad if I got back to them it would be midnight where they are. I don’t want to take chances texting them in case they are not on silent. So when I wake up at 5:30 AM it’s 11:30 for them, that would be fine to send a message. I tried to do my best to have a good scout meeting with 2/3 of us founders, and it went okay, we made slime, we did foam experiments, we swam with turtles, we heard live music, it was not a bad day, there were good kids, my kids had fun, other kids had fun, we progressed on our scouts program, on meeting key community members who share our space.

I had to listen to more Elton John.

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Something new this week: Made elephant toothpaste at the beach.

Something good this week: My husband encouraged me to get my son clothes, as well as my daughter, sometimes it’s good to take the time to get a new outfit. We are lucky we can, but sometimes even when I can I just don’t, sometimes I get stuck on budget mode, which isn’t horrible, but if the kids can have some nice things, they might as well then. It’s almost like I get guilty that we can get nice things, but my husband pushes me back to a middle ground.

Something unexpected: Heard “Hi’iawe” live at the beach.

🎵

A Month of Emotions

I looked over my weekly notes and I’m labeling the pictures of how I felt both with the Yale Mood Meter scale, that exercise is called “labeling” and is supposed to increase granularity and emotional intelligence.

The first week went from pleasant surprise at recognition to hopeful eudaimonia, to hopeless overwhelming insecurity, to gratitude and connection, to uneasy hurt and ended in an intense disconnection. It strikes me as one of the most rollercoaster-like weeks I’ve ever noticed, but I don’t know if it really is or if I just never noticed.

The second week went from worried I wouldn’t be there for my kids if I stayed sick a long time, livid my father was wet blanketing my children’s happiness with paranoia and histrionics, peaceful when I was at peace with myself for getting sick and being only human, grateful for the good health or hours of good health I did have, inspired by the positive environment our scout group helped to foster, sufficient that I am enough, that I did a decent job as a mother despite what perfectionists and critics may say, and disappointed in an ambivalent bittersweet way that good friends were moving away to where perhaps was a better future for them.

The third week I felt really serene that life was changing in ways I didn’t understand, the next day I felt timeless like being on summer vacation as a child, kind of unrushed catharsis and lost in eternal time, then my grief from friends moving lessened to disappointment, then I found out we had 12 days before they left and I was hopeful that at least we could have a few more fun days together, the next day I was inspired to start a Patreon for the scouts, I don’t know if it will be successful, but it’s a good feeling to even being open to letting others help, I don’t always feel that way, it’s an optimistic feeling, I ended the week inspired about life, about spring about our scout group.

The fourth week I felt blessed to enjoy another day with our friends who are leaving, the next day we brought home our dog’s urn and that made me feel reflective, kind of thoughtful, but not thinking about any one thing, so I call that more reflective like my heart was thinking instead of my mind, when we went back to school from spring break we ran the assessment tests we had last year and had lots of progress so it did make me feel motivated that we were successful in growth, Tuesday I felt comfortable with life and the garden, I have some lavender coming up those little new sprouts tend to cheer me up despite the disorder and large amount of undone garden projects the sprouts give me hope for the future, I’m really inspired by the amount the other parents bring to our group, it’s touching how much they are committed to giving what they can to their kids and the other kids, I was touched that some people took the bus to come to the meetup when their car was in the shop, it must hold a lot of value to make it worth the trouble of taking the bus with two little kids, during the camping trip I chopped wood and made fire, it made me feel a strong connection to the past and a continuity from the past to me to the future, the second day of camping I was really proud of the scouts for using what they learned and trying new things.

Today is March 27th, and the pandemic is officially “over” though it is still around as a not a pandemic germ or whatever. Good riddance to bad public health safety measures I say, I think more than bitter or angry I am at this point relieved that it looks like the craziness of the past two years is now all done, during I was definitely bitterly bitter as I felt the areas I lived in went beyond what was right and missed what was effective both leaving people both under-protected and over restricted in a lose-lose situation.

Meta Emotion: Looking back at the third month I was energized by the coming spring even if I was sick at times or overwhelmed at times, overall I had hope for the future and a positive outlook to try my best with what I have. So that leads me to choose the “Happy Holi feeling” as the overall feeling of this month, which represents three things, love, the coming of spring after winter, and the triumph of good over evil.

Physical Health: Didn’t work out at all other than martial arts and hikes, but just getting through normal life was for sure a triumph this month so I’m completely at peace with that, it’s to survive months like this that I ever work out. I don’t live to work out, I work out to have the strength to live my best life.

Social Health: On one hand my heart is bleeding a little to adjust to my good friends moving far, but on the other hand I like people at the scout group, I find most of the children sweet or charming, and the adults helpful, kind, and interesting. So it’s weird, I’m not satisfied, but I’m not isolating myself either, somewhere between.

Mental Health: This month living with my dad at times tries my patience but talking to my husband and sister that all of us younger people at least need to stay on the same page has helped. My dad gets paranoid sometimes and is super annoying at times, like when he told me my heavy pot will defiantly break the stove someday… Really? How about please take your pot off the stove… that would be less annoying. Those little lies, you are going to fall down (then you don’t), you are going to break that (and you don’t) they really keep me from respecting the people who tell them. I guess they are common turns of phrase, but they are like kryptonite to me, they are a red flag the person doesn’t care too much to be honest or informed about reality, but rather live with fear as a compass instead of values. So perhaps it’s not as bad as it could be, but I have to be honest I don’t treasure living with my dad and can’t wait until we have our own place to go to someday.

Something New: Our Adventure Scouts got a Patreon account set up besides updating the website and we did our first official camping trip.

What helped: Really embracing that I won’t be able to do everything I want to and some things will not work out well, but knowing what I do do is usually enough for me and the people I care about and that the things that do work out are so many that it’s usually still a positive impact.



BIG GOAL: Organize my stuff. (Started.)

Physical Goal: Actually clean up and organize more than exercise. (Did some.)

Social: Keep up the new Wednesday habit. (Did it and added a 1.5 day camping trip!)

Mental: Fix the pond leak sometime this month, which means finding it, I have a lot of liner, I have waterfall foam, now it’s just move everything out, check everything out and go. (Didn’t yet.)

🐣

“There is magic in sincere forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive.”

– Terry Goodkind 🕊️

GOAL REMINDERS:

“The world has just changed so radically and we’re all running to catch up.”

– Dr. Allan Grant (Jurassic Park)

This week: I want to place the slug beer traps… but the camping trip is the main goal.

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS:

Stuff coming up: Camping Thursday/Friday. Check-In With Student Loan

Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. 🎵 SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Mental Health: Friday – I feel a bit off-balanced still, a bit over-socialized and underqualified, but I’m going to do my best with everything because that’s me. Monday – Returning to school after spring break, a bit hard, but mostly good. My daughter is graduating 1st grade, she writes at 50% speed, she reads and types at 3rd-grade level, I have a suspicion it takes so long for her to write due to dyslexia, she is looking at the words, copying them, getting lost, refinding the spot and throwing fits, I don’t know what her speed at original composition is, I should look at that and compare. It’s weird to me that when she reads out loud she is at 113 words per minute, but for writing, she is at 2 words per minute. Thursday – Been getting through each challenge well, but still lacking confidence on the inside, trying to accept my friends going away gracefully, but to really do it is harder. By the end of the week I really miss my friends still, they came over and brought me four blueberry plants, soil, and pots, all really nice ones, I planted them the very next morning and it feels heart-breakingly sweet that they know exactly what to get me that I would really love.

Physical Health: Friday – Still doing a slight cough from time to time, but 90% energy and pretty well overall. Thursday – I think I finally stopped the cough and it’s just some extra congestion and mucus in the morning, I guess only stragglers are left. By week’s end finally about normal.

Social Health: Friday – I’m having fun with our Science/Scouting group, certain moments, like when a lady told me her flowers bloomed so she could get the third place in the competition, things like that, like when a little girl cleaned up all the blocks, like when more and more people are not only sharing the work, but recognizing the value of what we do, and sharing the fun. All these little good moments keep happening and it makes it really easy to want to do it again the next week. Thursday I have good friends and I have a good group to allow me and others to make more, it’s just that we are losing some key members and that makes everything bittersweet. By the end of the week a lot more at peace with spending more time with so many people, because the people are changing from strangers to friends.

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LIFE JOURNAL:

Saturday: Last week I was working on my son’s first-year video, which has been sitting on the back burner for two years. After it was done I felt really good though, he liked it and it was nice that it was done. It felt like it was a rock in my creative river and after finishing that, subtle things I can’t name started flowing again. We went to the market, caves, a waterfall and for pizza, good, but busy as well.

Sunday: Last Sunday we planted bentgrass with my daughter’s best friend, the seeds are doing very well already, it seems like the best grass in general for what we are doing is also the best suited to our area, so that’s something going well. This week my kids went with my sister to a cool Smithsonian Dino exhibit, I couldn’t go because I don’t have a vaccine card, but I got to go out to eat with my husband for the first time in about three years without kids. We also did our shopping so I got all my weird chemicals, hydrogen peroxide for elephant toothpaste, alcohol for DNA extraction, corn starch for Holi colored powder, potato starch for mochi, contact solution for slime, some containers for slime. I made juice from Soursop because our friends bought us one Saturday at the farmers market, it was really tasty actually. We picked up our passed away dog’s urn unexpectedly at night, so that tired me out. When the urn came back my daughter kept crying, which I guess is good. I didn’t really wait for the urn to grieve, but my sister and daughter did. The mood wasn’t too dark, just sincere and emotional, it felt kind of healthy and cathartic.

Monday: Last week we were doing Acellus with family friends, showing them Adventure Academy and Duolingo, I don’t know what will help or stick, but it’s good to keep an open mind, try new things and tell people when you find good things (I hope so anyway). This week we are returning to school after spring break, a bit hard, but mostly good. My daughter is graduating 1st grade, she writes at 50% speed, she reads and types at 3rd-grade level, I have a suspicion it takes so long for her to write due to dyslexia, she is looking at the words, copying them, getting lost, refinding the spot and throwing fits, I don’t know what her speed at original composition is, I should look at that and compare. It’s weird to me that when she reads out loud she is at 113 words per minute, but for writing, she is at 2 words per minute instead of 4, which would be grade normal. We finished the FFA unit in Agriculture and I also updated a lot of notes. We did a review of Spanish in an online flashcard program. I looked over our remaining classes, everything is near 70% which is fine to finish the year out on time in late May. Sometimes my mind seems to be 90% a log of curriculum and teaching rhetoric, other times I feel like a regular human, and other times I feel 1/3 teacher, 2/3 human being. The fire bow, patches, tent, compass, and three walkie-talkies came for camping, I don’t know exactly how things are going to work out camping, but it seems like it will be fun and it will be fine… that’s coming up so soon. Let’s see, I guess I could make a printout for each badge of the action, like fire starting with a fire bow, the science force, friction ext and then put them in document protection sheets and put them in folders and make like 2-4 folders… Star Viewing, Camping Skills… Navigation…

Tuesday: Last week we met a neighbor’s granddaughter and had my daughter’s first sleepover and that was fine, resting on the last chill day before the camping trip, Wednesday will be the beach and then Thursday/Friday are camping days.

Wednesday: Last week I did a DNA extraction at the beach, this week I forgot the plasma ball but we did a lot of art, there wasn’t music, it was kind of an off day two moms had car issues, one their car got broken into and the other their car is in the shop and they took the bus, but it was still fun overall, it was really touching that some people take the bus to come or others come despite dealing with car break-in repair and wallet replacement ext, the commitment from the other parents is super inspiring.

Thursday: Last week started a Patreon Account for our scout group, this week we went camping. My kids are good campers, both off to sleep at 8PM. I went to sleep later but slept well eventually. When I woke up, I saw Venus, it was pretty, but I’m surprised ancient people knew it was a planet and not a star, it just looks like a star to me. There was a miscommunication that happened on a hike, and I feel bad for the mother of a girl who went on an unapproved hike and came back safely. I am going to double-check in the future but I still feel unsettled by it. We need more clarity and redundancy. I made fire using a fire bow with a ton of help from a friend, it was so much harder than I thought but also cooler.

Friday: Last week I finished my son’s video project, which had been looming over my mind for some time, and started a Trauma and Brain Development course. This week I was on a camping trip and hiked Bird Park. The most notable part of the day was watching a child use the bowline knot we learned to climb from a tree, it’s one thing to learn something, another to remember it, but something entirely different to apply it.

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Something new this week: Made a fire for the first time (without matches or a lighter).

Something good this week: Planted four blueberry plants that were gifts.

Something unexpected: Seeing the bowline knot go into usage was beyond my expectations and it’s a hard feeling to describe.

🔥

I was clearing out my email and WordPress had sent me a word prompt for March “Bridge”, I was on my way to delete the email, but I thought about it, and I would like to write about being a bridge.

We just recently started a scouting group called the Adventure Scouts, people ask me and I have a hard time really explaining how it came together.

It didn’t come together because our three founders were ever scouts, it didn’t come together because we really want our kids to tie better knots or build their survival skills…

It didn’t come together because any one of us would have ever created a scouting group, but rather it only happened because the three of us were together.

I’ve been teaching martial arts for about 10 years, another friend had been teaching acting for maybe double that, and they were just martial arts and acting, which is good, the third friend had taught at preschool and was just fun in general.

So the martial arts I was able to teach for the children of the acting teacher, the acting teacher taught acting to my children, and the early childhood development specialist’s children, and she wanted to invite anyone who wanted to be there.

So we added science, we added math, we had acting, martial arts, music, and art, but especially what we are is a bridge to connection. For parents to distance a few feet from their kids and see them as they are and reconnect to the present, for kids to connect with other kids which most kids are starving for, for adults to support one another and see how we are so similar on the deeper levels.

Logistically we started when my daughter’s best friend was called back to in-person class at the university and couldn’t take her because she wasn’t vaccinated. Some people trust babysitters, that’s good and fine for those who can do that and have access, but a lot of us moms aren’t set up or don’t have someone, maybe we moved, have a small family or whatever it is, a lot of us don’t have that. So I didn’t have a car (because my husband takes mine to work) and I was thinking, how can I make it work? How can I help my friend? And so I asked to borrow my dad’s car, and he said okay. I didn’t want to, I didn’t feel comfortable, I didn’t think it would work. But I did it, and it has worked and it’s brought us one step closer together and made me more grateful in general.

Theodore Roosevelt said, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

So for the past few years, that’s what I’ve been working on doing, instead of complaining about what I want that the world doesn’t give me, I’ve been doing my best to put things right as much as in my power to do so.

With the pandemic shifting to a world of endemic disease the rules were already open for things to start, but people weren’t reopening the kids’ activities in my area, and I didn’t want to wait a day more or an hour more or a second more for the kids to be able to play at the park, hug friends, see other people’s faces ext. So I and two other moms opened “our activities”, what events we could do, what classes we could teach, what toys we could bring and share and the results have been pretty amazing.

We have a nice website that has science and math and art content created by the kids, we got incorporated by the state as an educational non-profit so that we could think about getting grants. Pretty much we can afford to supply equipment ext, we have unofficial donors and things, but sometimes I notice certain moms maybe don’t have gas money to come as much or certain kids don’t have a tablet for music lessons and in the back of my mind I would like to have a fund to kind of equalize that, but to do that or go on big field trips or things like that I think we would eventually need to also file our 501 status, that lets you become an Amazon Smile charity so people can give to you without doing anything then their normal shopping. So I looked into the 501 and it’s about $600 to file (since 2021) and that’s kind of a lot for us, so I opened a Patreon with a $1, $10, and $100 level, because I know everyone’s budget is a lot different. They advise you not to have less than $3 as a low tier, but I imagined maybe kids would want to donate and they have smaller budgets, really $10 is some people’s $1, and even $100 is like $1 for other people, it’s really relative to your situation.

But anyways, this post isn’t about that, I’m just mentioning the things that have happened with our Adventure Scouts, because I’m still trying to piece it together in my own mind.

Our theatre teacher was from halfway around the world and is leaving Sunday, I’m going to miss her so much. But what I keep thinking is that we can’t drop theater, because it was really special.

I love teaching martial arts, I was taught by many great teachers including world champion Kyara Gracie in Brazil, and there I went to her charity martial arts school Instituto Kapacidade which I didn’t know at the time I went would have a big impact on my life.

It’s a martial arts school open to children who won’t be able to pay for a martial arts school. I don’t know if it has anything to do with having been a child who didn’t attend martial arts school because my parents were not interested/comfortable paying for marital arts school or just because I love martial arts, but something about it felt so clean in a world that often feels so dirty.

I don’t know if that’s how religious people feel when they go to church, but for me, only on a mat am I at peace, I try, but always fail to extend that peace to the rest of the world.

Martial arts is a microcosm.

For people who can’t fathom the whole city, the country, the fighting politicians making side deals in backrooms, the medical field controlled by pharmaceutical companies that both save and kill millions in the same quarter, the way the world ebbs and flows from germ to planet, from panic to stocks to news, from truth to lies to choices to pollution. For those of us that live in a state of almost constant overwhelm, martial arts is a wonderful escape.

But it’s in many ways healthy, it’s exercise, it’s flexibility, it’s focus, it’s more gentle than some would imagine (but varying per style from Mui Tai to Thai Chi there are differences, but mostly we avoid injuring our friends – mostly). So it can be unhealthy though behind closed doors, it can be perfectionistic, it can cause injury instead of building strength, it can present abuse scenarios like most other activities, it can be an escape used too often… So in reality it is like most things a neutral endeavor made good or bad by the user, but it’s not as saintly as some would paint it to be.

But in a moment when you need it and have it, in that moment it will be worth the time and practice and investment. In that moment it’s worth gold. But what does that say about society if girls don’t have equal access to that gold? Or people who don’t have extra income? It says something pretty dark.

And whatever small change I can make to that darkness, I will do that for the rest of my life.

Because it’s easy for me to share what I know, what I am good at already, what I feel qualified to share.

But it isn’t easy for me to get outside that microcosm, but this group is a bridge for me to do that.

After I know the kids from martial arts, I don’t have to get to know them again to know them as people, it’s already free. Some of them may come to me for help with something, some of them come to me to help me, with the kids, the class, science demos. But even those who don’t have a deep relationship with me, I “see them” and they “see me” and that’s actually a lot. Many of us didn’t know how much that was worth until we didn’t have it anymore. But if you have an extra dollar I would love for you to support us right now that we are in our spark phase, even if you don’t intend to perpetually, we are that small grassroots organization that isn’t corrupted, we are a good thing, it’s hard to get that across on paper, I feel like it’s easier face to face, but here we are helping the world of kids reopen to something positive, something available to anyone there who wants it, something bright in a world that could use a bit more brightness.

Support Fun and Adventure, Be a Bridge

So I don’t want to say too much, and I don’t want to leave anything important unsaid, but in general what I am saying is that as important as connection is, so too are the bridges important that keep us from living our whole lives as islands. Some of us need bridges more than others to make it comfortable to meet someone new, to see someone we know, even to get together with our best friends, some of us really need those bridges… and there isn’t shame in that, it’s human. It isn’t that important which bridge is your bridge, but finding it is important, because wellness is that triangle of physical health, mental health, and social health, and haven’t most of us let our social health go to disrepair lately?

🌉

“Passion rules reason, for better or for worse.”

– Terry Goodkind 🕊️

GOAL REMINDERS:

This week: I did seed the new grass, I did plant the Rhubarb seeds, I want to place the slug beer traps…

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS:

Stuff coming up: Dinner Invite Thursday, bring lights. Check-In With Student Loan

Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. 🎵 SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Mental Health: Saturday – I don’t feel positive or negative about the future right now, but I do feel uncertain, my husband asked if I wanted to move to Mexico and I definitely do want to, but I don’t know if I’m ready already or when the kids are older.

Physical Health: Saturday – Still a little sick and didn’t sleep last night due to stomach issues. Monday – Still hawking up phlem, but I feel pretty normal overall for the first day in awhile.

Social Health: Saturday – Mixed feelings glad to have friends, but sad some are moving as well as sad my life is so uncertain, I would like to feel like I have a permanent home, even though that is just an illusion.

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LIFE JOURNAL:

Saturday: Last week I was really sick, this week, much better, but still have a bit of illness. Working on a movie with Movavi, it’s a free trial, but it leaves a watermark, something I didn’t like.

💻 MOVAVI 💻: The software is easy you see a strip of pictures and a strip of soundwaves under that. You can cut the film and add pieces inside or put a layer over so you see the new video, but both sounds play. You can add titles that fade in and out. You can add location descriptions with a text box. You can add photos that stay for a few seconds. You can transition from one film to the next, or fade them with a fade to black or a page turn. It’s a pretty good film editor, but what I was trying to do was not buy anything because I don’t make a lot of films… and in the end, I will have to figure out some watermark workaround, which I didn’t want to do. But since I don’t edit that much film I wasn’t familiar with what freeware is best and what is available. The basic ideas are easy, it just takes a long time to line up all the transitions correctly, check out if they should have a fade or what type, check the volume levels, crop different sized footage, think about the style and flow sometimes, go back and check for continuity in realtime… I think it’s safe to say it takes a lot of edit time for all the run time. So when the run time is 1.5 hours, it’s much more than that to edit, especially with crashes, lost work ext. I don’t enjoy the process, even though I enjoy the end product.

Sunday: Last Sunday we got chicks for my son’s birthday, since then we had a visitor with his mom, another with her mom plus my kids have had a great time with the little silky chicks. We planted bentgrass with my daughter’s best friend, the seeds are super small and silky soft. My narcissist flowers bloomed, they are so elegant and smell wonderful. Finished my son’s movie but deciding if I want to buy the program or do a screen recording.

Monday: Last week I was halfway sick and halfway teaching “champion school:” theatre class, commas, and graphs. It was great doing Acellus with some kids that are family friends, showing them Adventure Academy and Duolingo, there are a lot of learning resources for those of us moving around, it’s just hard separating the wheat from the chaff sometimes. Not everyone is open to trying new things, but there are some fine resources out there. The family who started me planting the grass came over, it was nice having them over to see the grass that we planted together, and they are just nice people to be around in general.

Tuesday: Last week we covered Bach in school which I was craving and I ordered some bent creeping grass. This week we started a two new students on that class the has Bach, Foundations of Music, and I planted the bentgrass. Today week we met a neighbor’s granddaughter and had them over for the first time, just for a little, it was nice, it is going to be my daughter’s best friend’s first sleepover and hopefully that is fun.

Trying to remember to bring the whale badges tomorrow, I will have less space, so I will take the tent, the mats, the tablet for karate, my purse, my phone, maybe the microscope for biology…

💻 MOVAVI 👎🏼: In the end I was bitter that the Movavi didn’t allow me to make a trial video without a watermark, in the end I payed $35 for Movavi video editor plus, when it was marginally better than a free Window’s Movie Maker. I wouldn’t have used it, if I hadn’t have read an article that said it was the best free movie maker without a watermark, which it wasn’t at all, no thank you for the lies Ben Jacklin, I’ll never trust you again. But anyway… my son did like watching the movie, which makes me happy and I guess everything has a cost. I just wish it was upfront that I knew the cost, so I could have either chosen something else or chosen to pay, rather than being trapped into it.

Wednesday: Last week I finished learning the Hebrew alphabet because I know my friends are leaving soon. א (alef), ב (beit) , ג (gimel), ד, (daled), ה (hei), ו, (vav), ז (Zain), ח, (get), ט (tet), י (yod), כ (kaf), ל (lamed), מ (mem), נ (noon), ס (sameh), ע (Ain), פ (pey), צ( tsadik), ק (kuf), ר (reish) , ש (shin), ת (taf). I’m thinking of doing a DNA extraction with salt, water, soap, a kabob stick, and alcohol, I found it from the Microhunter which had a lot of interesting microscope videos. I’m still a bit sad though, so everything is a little sour.

Self Reminder: I need to bring, general beach stuff (sunblock, towel, water, sunblock, floaties, blower), the DNA extraction stuff (salt, water, alcohol, tube, stick), the karate stuff, tent, mats, clothes, video tablet, the other tablet, the wifi, maybe the foofy ball, the crank radio. Remembered 17/21 (I forgot the wifi, crank radio and foofy ball, but remembered the rest.)

I found out my friends have 12 days left here, so it made me happy, even though I guess I will be sad all over when that time is over. Did 10 finger guillotine choke during martial arts. We had a nice beach meet up again with a succesful DNA extraction demo. Had some nice guests from Colorado. There were reported whales, but I didn’t see them. Planned our spring camping for next Thursday.

Thursday: Last week was my son’s first non-pandemic birthday, this week set a Patreon Account for the Adventure Scouts, added a lost and found, added the 501 goal, added new event photos, updated the camping trip. We went to St. Patrick’s day dinner, which was nice.

Friday: Last week I began my son’s first year video montage, this week I am finally done after finding a program, buying it, doing about three revisions due to cropping freezes ext. Anyways that feels good, I was going through my phone to add contacts instead of leaving phone numbers and relying on threads, cleaning up the desktop files that were all messy, letting go of some unneeded copy images and in general cleaning house. We got a smaller plasma ball and a transformer for the larger one, so that will be fun for our science demo, I want to do it this week… we got a fire bow for the camping trip.

I started a Trauma and Brain Development course I’ve been putting off, it reminds me of when my daughter was bitten by a pit bull and got traumatized, it wasn’t the worst bite, but it made her feel powerless and she went from potty-trained to un potty trained. We made a drawing together of her being sad and titled it #chicabitemetoo because the dog did bite pretty much everyone (no disrespect to other pit bulls), she colored the drawing, we made a t-shirt. It seemed to help, but then we did have to re-learn that potty training and some other things. I don’t know what I should have done differently. I don’t know if we are meant to suffer, then recover, or if more safety would have helped her reach her potential in a greater way? In general, I don’t know if being sheltered is ideal or if a middle ground is better in the end. I don’t know if I will ever know, so as a parent I take a middle ground, but I know I am just guessing, I’m all too aware of that. I got through half the frist quarter of the Trauma Class so far.

Some prompts were I fought when, I ran away when, I froze up when:

I fought when “I got hit with a tupperware in the head pretty hard,” I ran away when “I was 16 and I was depressed I would run at the track for hours and I didn’t really know what made me sad or how I was feeling on a normal day” I froze up when “people are talking to me and I am interested, but I feel like I can’t find the words fast enough to say them in person (it’s hours later sometimes when I have my response ready, and by then it’s usually irrelevant).

Looking back there were usually good reasons, maybe sometimes I overreacted, but more often I underreacted and stayed with bad people or in bad situations too long.

It’s going well I think.

Anyways, been working a bit on the scout website today, it’s so cute. Saving some energy to go camping Thursday/Friday, doing some laundry, I feel pretty peaceful today, enjoying an easy spring break week.

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🌄

In August 2020 I was really excited to draw, I had some digital illustrations I wanted to do and it felt like I had new ideas for drawings all the time:

2020: Before I owned a drawing tablet I imagined “if only I had a drawing tablet, then I would be doing oceans of art, top quality, prolific, wondrous, world-changing art, perhaps comics, or graphics, textbook illustrations, something”.

Then I actually got the drawing tablet, on August 19th, 46 days ago…

I thought I would either have a fiery explosion of anger as I couldn’t get it to work, or a wonderfully productive relationship with the drawing tablet.

What really happened was much more mundane, I was able to get it to work immediately, surprisingly, but with limitations that they warned me about (the buttons don’t do anything on my system).

My kids have been loving the tablet… which should excite me as a mother and home school teacher… right? It doesn’t. I’m just sad that when I pull out the tablet I get rushed by both kids to let them draw.

So I have neither been prolific and magnificent at drawing, nor not using the tablet at all. Which is surprising to me.

Today I did some chickens:

“Wow”

“Beautiful”

“So Beautiful”

3D Rendering of the Art Cafe via Clara.io

Two Years Later

Good things happened, not crazy good things, but good things. In fall of 2021 my daughter transitioned to home school and being able to offer her a Krita Digital Drawing course made me happy. The teacher was Paul Gieske (thank you Paul!) I really liked the class, even though some of the program changed so I had to change with it.

Autodesk if free and Krita is free, but I prefer Krita, to me it has all the power of Illustrator and Photo Shop, but the menu is more like a drafting layout like Inkscape or Autocad, which is what I am used to using.

Finding the right drawing app was important because the tablet is just an electronic paper/pencil but it isn’t the whole art studio, the drawing app is like the art studio half where you see what you are drawing and save it or share it ext.

I wish I was using the tablet more, it works well, it is sturdy enough my 2-year-old and 5-year-old use it without hurting it, it is a good tablet and pen set. But maybe I’m not a good artist?

My skills are not crazy good, but not too bad, a non-impressive intermediate level. But my skills of making time and deciding on a project or just free drawing and then making a habit of drawing are very low.

When I started this blog five years ago I thought I would write and draw every day, and that never happened. I was surprised that I could write and take it less personally than drawing. I am surprised at how much I improved at the tech/blogging aspect of writing a blog. Like pressing shift and enter to not jump to a new block but still move a line of text down. Or setting a featured image. Or thinking of a style for a series. Or deciding how formal or casual I want to be or how much to hold back for safety or how much to share. I didn’t know how much blogging skills were needed to be an online writer, it’s not so much, but it’s not none either. And that’s not all the tags and marketing that I don’t do. There is unlimited marketing or tech stuff you can do on a blog if that’s what you are into or if it fits your goals for monetizing, which isn’t my thing.

The more my blogging skills got better the more the blogging could just feel like writing.

And I like writing, I like what it gives me (mental clarity, peace of mind, friends, an understanding of myself).

But I know that I would be happier if I did some drawing/art as well, I also crave that, but I feel too busy to start thinking about how to do it.

Which is part of why starting the Adventure Scouts was so good for me, we set up a drawing table with markers and a drawing book, but I knew that I always intended to set up the digital drawing there someday as well, so that it gives me that excuse to make it happen.

Sometimes for myself I can’t make things happen, but if it’s for a non-profit educational charity, then I could, for the children I can and will eventually make it happen.

So, thank you social pressure I guess.

When I write on this blog, there is social pressure, I have no idea how many of my 200 followers will read what I write and how many will scroll by their inbox not wanting to read what I ramble about, but not committing to do anything to clear the inbox mess “today”, but some of those 200 will read what I write and anyone online “could” stop in and access the site, from now or from the future. So that’s a bit daunting knowing that probably not too many people will see what I publish and judge me, but a huge amount of people “could”. The internet gets saved in time for those with access, so whatever I “Publish” it is “Published”, it may be casual, it may be low profile, but it’s out there. If I want to run for office (I don’t think I ever would) all my anti-government rants are out there, there is no way to burn that kind of paper trail. Being brave enough to take that very small risk of having to survive something embarrassing or that you regret later is a badge in a beginning bloggers skill sash. But you get a lot of positive things in return for that small risk. Like social pressure!

This year I’ve been writing about my personal goals, which seem pretty boring to me, but I’ve been doing them much more since I started doing that, so that’s really valuable. At this time when I’m struggling to get out of the non-productive lull I found myself languishing in during the pandemic, the extra social pressure is helping me be consistent. I’m not sure if I’ll always need or want that, but I don’t want to let it go until my habits are much more established. It is kind of like the world is my life coach, I talk about my goals, then they are more than thoughts, they are words and commitments, then the next week I see if I was able to push forward and if I wasn’t then why, so it becomes a contract between me and me, but the world is the witness signature.

So I want to try to draw everyday, I’m going to start with this book “How to Draw Kawai for Kids” and see how it goes.

Step 1 Decide what to draw = page 1.

Step 2 Set up the tablet/krita = already plugged in and installed so went really quick.

Step 3 Draw = I used about 8 layers, two times I practiced the shape and tossed it, there was the main outline, some separate colors of pink, dark pink, red, white, a yellow background, then I discarded the yellow background. I noticed my magic wand settings are still broken.

Sometimes I overthink the colors or want a cleaner drawing or don’t know what to do with the settings.

When I started I used a letter size canvas, I just guessed the colors instead of finding exactly which ones I wanted, and I didn’t clean the bottom lines, because this is practice work, if I were making it as a finished logo piece or something I could clean it… this brush was 40 px for lines and 130 px to fill the colors in. I did go through that free Krita class and now I can use the program as if I am really drawing or painting and not being super confused how to switch colors or get a new paint layer or move my layers around.

Thanks again to Paul Gieske and Jonathan the Chicken Maker!

🖼️

“It sounds a paradox, but kindness and good intentions can be an insidious path to destruction. Sometimes doing what seems right is wrong, and can cause harm.”

– Terry Goodkind 🕊️

GOAL REMINDERS:

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS:

Stuff coming up: March 14th Neighbors Coming Over

Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990.

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. 🎵 SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Mental Health: Monday – My mind feels a bit foggy and negative, I’m assuming it’s just because I have a moderately bad sore throat working its way through my life. It makes me wonder if it’s from stress or randomly happening at the same time as the stress of birthdays and our dog’s hospice/impending death, I’ll never really know. I feel like it’s random though, but almost a positive, because I don’t want to be pressured to support other people right now, and being sick pretty well ensures that I won’t over-extend myself that way. Thursday – I feel so positive about life, I don’t know if it was a rebound from being sick or just because I passed the day with my friends yesterday, but I do feel really hopeful about continuing to teach science/martial arts where ever I am and doing my best.

Physical Health: Monday – I’m pretty ill, not so much I want to go to the hospital, but enough I am taking anti-biotics for a sore throat. I want to be better already, I didn’t love being sick without kids, but I hate being sick with my kids around. I want to take them outside, I want to do their music lesson, I want to do my best, but I find I can’t, I find I can do things like dishes and laundry, but some stuff just becomes too much. Tuesday – A day later and I feel so much better, still a little sick, but it’s amazing to me how when my physical body is better my mental health is automatically much better. I do know that isn’t the case for everyone and I hope more can be done to help out people with ongoing depression in the future, but for me being sick is like a little taste of depression. I just extend the current hopelessness into forever mentally and all my dreams seem silly and pointless, doom seems inevitable and interacting with other people seems unfairly torturous.

Social Health: Monday – I miss being alone while sick, not having to smile, being able to watch movies and take naps and skip meals, I don’t like having to get up to help when I would rather rest, I don’t like listening to arguments and not knowing how to solve them when I’m sick, I don’t like the parade of illness from the kids to me, back to the kids, trying to calculate when I will be back to our playdates and classes and when we have to call off. Worst for me is my dad, since his dog is dying he wants to discuss grave digging and the dog and his headaches and I really don’t care to discuss any of it, I can’t take the dog’s tumor out, I don’t care about a grave for the dog but I don’t want to argue either, I don’t care about his headaches if he doesn’t want to drink water or take an anti-headache pill or see a doctor, if he doesn’t care to action about his health I don’t care that it is still the same, I had a lot of health problems as a child and my parents left me on my own to grow up, make money and see doctors and pursue treatments to resolve them. I hate how my dad wants to be babied and be completely free, he wants me to get his water cup and then takes off to dig a grave in the yard, he wants to not find solutions for his problems but not listen to anyone else’s possible solutions, maybe a better person would have compassion for that, but I sure don’t, being civil is my absolute best I can offer. I hope to move in the future, but my husband hasn’t decided between this state or another move so therefore it’s far away mentally without either a timeline or a location. I’m grateful that my dad let us stay in his home so we could move into the state easier, but pretty much every day I realize I want more space from him, much more than I want a discount or more physical space. Tuesday – I realize now that although it may be good long term to get another house and space, what I really need is just my own mental permission to hold emotional space from my father when he is being paranoid or negative or critical, I can do it right here in the same house as long as I let myself do it. Boundaries again, I should revisit Sarah Knight or the new book about it… Thursday – Everything feels different when I am not sick, I met a lot of new friends yesterday, I had new friends over, the little boy said “awesome” about our hay, which made me happy, it’s so messy and unfinished, but I was happy he was happy.

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LIFE JOURNAL:

Saturday: Last Saturday we picked up my dad at the airport and tried a new burger place. This Saturday I was really sick, I had a sore throat that hurt all the time, not when I was eating or drinking, my eye got swollen closed with tears, I was just crying and leaking mucus like a baby, I was able to eat and drink, but breathing was tiring and I had to find the right positions to make it easier. I think the breathing thing is because I have asthma, I think when I am 100% healthy my breathing is like 80% good, but who knows.

Sunday: Last Sunday I was starting to get crazy overwhelmed with two birthdays coming up in a row, but with one down I feel much better. I guess I know why I hate parties, I feel like I am going to ruin them, which hasn’t happened much, I don’t recall exactly why I feel that way, but maybe it was a real, early traumatic event because it’s a very strong feeling, not a medium-strong negative belief feeling.

We got chicks for my son’s birthday, they are super cute, but my dad was moody about it and that makes me angry, I mentally remind myself people should be allowed to feel bad, but when he does it, it makes me really angry. The cycle is like, something great happens for someone else, and instead of being neutral or supportive he throws a bit fit about his fears and his problems, seemingly trying to steal the attention away, I don’t blow up, but the joy is deflated and it makes me really angry that he is not towing the normal social line of when you don’t ruin other people’s fun. As a child, I didn’t think about it, but as an adult, I don’t know if my dad isn’t autistic or something else really different socially. As a child, I hated my mom for leaving my dad after 10 years of marriage, but as an adult, I don’t see how she could have stayed.

Monday: Last week I finished painting a griffin, I thought I was being lazy, but now I can see I was already getting sick and especially flagging at night time when I am already naturally tired. This week I spent Monday halfway sick and halfway doing school, theatre class on Expressionism, Epic Theatre, some restrictions in England from Walpole in 1737, sound design, and wardrobe staff functions. We also covered commas, their start as breathing room for actors, the “eats, shoots and leaves” example, and some other English basics. My son is hitting graphs in math hard and that’s cool, that happened way later when I was growing up and now it’s a first-grade thing.

Tuesday: Last week I watered the lawn, weeded it further, I’ve neglected it since then, relying on a rainy week to help me. I’m recovering from being ill, but I really hope to do some basic check-ins on the garden progress so that I don’t lose all the progress. We covered Bach in school, it was really cool, I was craving Bach for some reason and I didn’t take the time to just hear some.

I also love this kid’s song: “Banana Pants”, I’ve been keeping it to myself, but today I’ll just say it, I love Banana Pants.

I had a few good hours today, now it’s almost noon and I feel like throwing up, but I’m glad that I had a few good hours and I’m optimistic that I’ll feel better tomorrow. Even though I’ve been sick a bit over the last two years, it’s been better than when I used to have food allergies and IBS, and it’s better than when I was a sickly child with weird allergies, migraines, asthma attacks, and lingering colds and flu almost constantly.

After feeling good in the morning, I was dog tired for a few hours, then I felt really bad, then great, it’s been an interesting amount of variety. I made it outside just to water really quickly the patio, the grass, the bamboo and check on the plants, but of course, it rained later, so I could have not watered… at times it looks horrible, at times it looks beautiful and sometimes just plain and mediocre, but it feels like the space is improving no matter what plants end up there, it feels like things are getting better bit by bit.

With the lawn, it’s still super patchy, but in some places where the new grass is coming in, it’s coming in much thicker than it has before, and in the places, there were a lot of weeds there are a lot fewer clovers or dandelions, and the grass is very green whereas last year it was pink with a red thread fungus, so it’s better than last year, but that doesn’t mean I won’t have to reseed… I have been resting up while sick the past four days, and today it feels like my mind is just now “restarting”… which is a weird feeling, knowing I’ve been alive for four days, but just thinking for one…

Ordered some bent creeping grass, about a pound, hoping that it will go in well with our cold-ish weather, we just did bermudagrass without thinking, but if the bentgrass will take it would be better.

Wednesday: Last week I got through a stressful beach birthday, this week was another birthday, but more relaxed I hoped I had done enough and knew I didn’t have everything perfect and just went with it… I tried to learn all the rest of the Hebrew alphabet because I know my friends are leaving soon, and it’s heart-wrenching.

א (alef), ב (beit) , ג (gimel), ד, (daled), ה (hei), ו, (vav), ז (Zain), ח, (get), ט (tet), י (yod), כ (kaf), ל (lamed), מ (mem), נ (noon), ס (sameh), ע (Ain), פ (pey), צ( tsadik), ק (kuf), ר (reish) , ש (shin), ת (taf).

Today one girl’s father said to her, that “the whales will be here all the time you are here”, so I knew then that she was going home to her mother in the summer, and that he would miss her too and that he loved her, it was so sweet. I was glad to be a host to our scout group at that moment, many people here have seen the whales or don’t care to see them, but there are some people who haven’t seen them, and hosting the group at the beach gives them that extra chance to see the whales migrate by through the spring, that moment made everything worth it.

Thursday: Last week I got sick with a super sore throat and we found out the dog was also ill, this week I’m spitting up mucus, but I feel four thousand percent better than last week, which didn’t feel great. It felt so not great that I jumped on the chance to take some antibiotics my sister had from her dental surgery, I don’t always take illegal prescription drugs, but when I do I take antibiotics! I felt so much better and my stomach didn’t get messed up this time, which was a consideration. I’m grieving my good friends moving away even as I’m continuing to engage with new people for my kids and for the scout group, old me wouldn’t have done that, new me knows that these new people are not replacements for the old people, but rather people who are “sharing tricycles” with me for now. It’s not that I don’t want them to be special to me, but your heart won’t just take anyone in the way your mouth will eat junk food. The heart makes bad choices, but it has some boundaries at least. The dog is also doing better, which I don’t know how to feel about that, I don’t know if it’s worth letting my guard down or not, because it was super super almost deady last week. My son’s birthday, it was the first one post pandemic, he had two pandemic ones and this last one right at the tail end… it felt right, his first birthday was just a cake slice, his second he had a cake at home with us, his third a real beach party and then a dinner at home the next day with two cakes… we bought more clutter toys than I like, but it didn’t feel wrong, it felt right having three years of balloons, cakes and toys this year after having no fun for so long.

I didn’t feel like a bad mom, which surprised me. His photo book didn’t come in time, but at least I made it and it’s shipping already. His drums didn’t come in time, but we got an unexpected mountain of toys from friends and family. Just in general when I watched him play I knew that he had enough friend time, enough beach time and enough rest at home time, none of those things were true until this year. But it’s because of my friends from Isreal who are leaving, they got me out of the hole I was living in, they made me come out once a week and they helped me hope my home could be pretty someday, that it could be a blueberry farm, that life could be worth living. I shouldn’t have to lean on another family to have hope and dreams and try to live well, but I needed to. And now that they are leaving I’m happy, sad and ashamed, and humbled. I’m happy because I think they are going to be happier elsewhere, sad because I will miss being with them in person, ashamed it took their cheer to lift my spirits to hope at all, humbled that they would have liked to help me. My mixed-up feelings are even more mixed up than that, I know I am going to cry at some point, but I don’t know when. I’m thankful that they started me teaching martial arts again, grateful they taught me Hebrew. I hope they will find a place they can all be at peace and thriving. There are a lot of things different about us, but some things I can’t put my finger on that are the same and I wish I knew more about the details and the significance of that, but what I know was that around them I was able to be the person I want to be more easily and it didn’t wear off when we parted, it lingered.

Friday: Last week I learned the legal pandemic restrictions in our area would soon expire and I pushed through being sick to quickly water the patio garden (even though it rained afterward).

Each time I read that the bamboo is stressed but alive, I think “me too”. The week felt tumultuous, having new people over is a huge thing for me, that happened Thursday and it went well, meeting a ton of new people Wednesday is getting easier because the setting is fun and controlled and I can literally just walk off into the ocean if I don’t like someone.

On Wednesday I was notified that one of the gardeners from our bulb challenge two weeks ago had bloomed their Narcissist flowers, I was so excited, but I didn’t say anything cool or encouraging, because I don’t have the words fast enough in person. I just give a confused look or a bland statement at least 66% of the time in person.

Going through the garden with new people is fun because they see the garden a different way, similar to how I did when I first met this garden, but differently as well. They infuse me with new hope and new ideas and new enthusiasm. I’ve got to get the slug traps baited, I’ve admitted I need to do that, I bought them, I received them, I’ve got to do that soon… for my own integrity.

We golfed on the green (semi against my will, I was pushed by a cute four-year-old) on Thursday and it’s a lot different using it compared to looking at it. I need to trim the grass down, I have more seeds to seed the bare spots. I should mark the curb so I can keep that at 2″ as I bring the rest down to .125″ as best I can… It made me sad though because I built the course to entertain another little boy who is leaving. All the sweetness this week has been very bitter-sweet, I wanted to grow rhubarb for my friends who are leaving, I still have one who is staying who wants some, but it’s become bitter-sweet, as opposed to incredibly exciting.

My lavender is sprouting now, after many times trying (and failing!) I have the cold stratification down, you need moist media for the seeds in the fridge, but it can’t mold, so the secret is airflow, not a ton, but some airflow. I don’t know how to feel about the garden, my life, my future, the house, but I do know that I’ll try to take better care of the garden this year, I’ll try to follow up with the projects I’ve started and if someday I can’t, I will have whatever joy or benefit I was able to have when I was here in Hawaii.

I am jealous of my friends who are moving, that they are going to the unknown, while I stay here in the known, that they may find somewhere they all feel at peace, that they may live in their sielumaisema, while I like the garden here and the people here, I am not in the place I most love (Yosemite) and I don’t think I will be since my husband hates snow. Maybe I can have my own writer’s cabin someday as a maid or something? I would have to get better at cleaning.

---

Poem for the road?

☕

I can’t light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I’m growin’ tired, and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life

Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meanin’ when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light

Don’t let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it’s always someone else I see
I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losin’ everything is like the sun goin’ down on me

I can’t find, oh, the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel
Don’t discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have, oh, they need love to help them heal

Don’t let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it’s always someone else I see
I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losin’ everything is like the sun goin’ down on me

– Bernie Taupin

🌷

“Like sands through an hourglass, so are the days of our lives.”

– Lloyd Waters

Timeline: I started this 4th March 2020 and now it has been two years and one pandemic later. New stuff in italics. It just so happened this covered the pre-pandemic/post-pandemic time span almost perfectly. I used to call it the “Someday Post”.

I set this exercise aside about six months ago to do someday because it seemed both really cool and also really daunting… it’s all from Lovie Price’s blog. It’s a self-awareness/life inventory process, similar to others but unique and interesting in its flow and contents.

Part 1: “Let’s Start With Labels”

How I currently define myself: 2020

I am human, I err, stumble and bleed red.
I am alive.
I am a philosopher.
I am sentimental.
I am creative.
I am a dreamer.
I am lucky.
I am grateful.
I am optimistic.
I am a defender of the innocent where I can be.
I am honest.
I am learning.
I am disorganized (more than I want to be).
I rush (myself and others more than I want to).

(Yay! Just learned shift + enter will put text a line down without spacing it into a new paragraph on WordPress, I’ve been wondering about that for years and years.)

How I currently define myself: 2022

I am consciously alive.
I am persistently grateful.
I am constantly learning.
I make things happen.
People can’t easily stop me. I’m semi-unstoppable.

Part 2: What is truth?

“Indeed, what you believe is true, is true for YOU. That doesn’t make it real, right or productive… As you look through your list a few times, maybe circle some that you are not sure of or desire to change… After you circle them- try to start figuring out the very first time you believed it, heard it or knew it. Then look at the source and make SURE it was a reliable one.”

– Lovie Price (original article)

2020:

I am alive.
I am grateful.
I am optimistic.
I am a defender of the innocent where I can be.
I am learning.

2022:
I am constantly learning.
I make things happen.

Slightly mind blown to realize I haven’t been rushing much. I rush mostly with my husband, who is usually late. It is true I would like to do it less. But it’s not a huge thing. I can tell him, don’t expect me to leave until you tell me when we are leaving, give me five minutes before you expect me to be ready and pack anything you want for the kids unless you tell me what you want to be taken ie diapers or clothes.

That would solve that issue. A plan to uphold a boundary I want in my life.

The other issue is more sticky… I am disorganized, less than some, more than some, but more than I want to be.

“If I am to change any of this thinking I have to identify how I came to believe it first (and start looking past the smoke & mirrors).”

– Lovie Price

Actually, the truth is “I” am not disorganized, “I am a human being” who does have disorganized school notes, a few disorganized odds and ends, one pull up bar that has no good home and a poorly organized charging station. As well as some disorganized computer files and a broken computer…

I am not disorganized, I am pretty well organized, but imperfect. I am a person, who would like even more clarity and organization.

I think sometimes I felt out of control growing up in a hoarding environment, sometimes I had a mess in my backpack, planner, and actually in my heart and mind as well.

But feeling out of control isn’t the same as being disorganized.

Just because I haven’t organized everything as I would like to someday do, doesn’t mean that my identity as a person is “disorganized”.

I am not DISORGANIZED. Actually, I am more organized than a typical homeschooler (I think).

I am scared to be disorganized because of how much of a failure my mother was at organizing our possessions and lives, she lost my birth certificate, social security number/social security card, would forget my name…

She was a failure, sharing her mental state even more than her physical state was my greatest fear.

So if I’m 1% or 10% or whatever amount disorganized, it’s terrifying.

I’m so surprised I never knew I felt that way before writing this. I thought I felt disorganized because there are two folders of unorganized paperwork in the bookshelf right now, and the guitar hook hasn’t gotten hung up yet.

But I think it’s more like intolerance for what are normal levels of disorder in life, due to fear, due to stress trauma.

Hmm.

I can’t remember the first time I was disorganized, but I know when I wanted to sell my motorcycle and couldn’t find the deed, was one time it came to a head, my husband helped me look so nicely, so uncharacteristically patiently. It was in the closet in a file cabinet waiting to be sorted. I was so ashamed remembering that and writing that, but what person has no piles of paper clutter? I think I expected too much from myself. When I really think about my life, I excelled at organization compared to my parents and probably still hit normality. But the pain of not really knowing is a bit unpleasant. I guess it doesn’t matter if I’m normal compared to others, it matters if I’m healthy for me and for my kids. (2020)

Since writing this I haven’t gotten too much better organized physically, but I’ve become emotionally more organized. I organize my time better, I organize my energy not just my time, I’m aware I have limitations on how much garden progress can happen based on what I’ve been able to do before rather than what I wish I could do. I’m not ashamed anymore that it took me a long time to get the hang of cleaning because of the Children of Hoarders article about the way hoarding affects family members. I’ve become a different person, I’ve become more into taking action to repair things and less into feeling bad about things being unideal. I never in the past decided to waste time and energy feeling bad, but now it’s just become an automatic habit to find something I can do. Do what you can, where you are, with what you have.” – Theodore Roosevelt. Actually, that has become my core mantra lately. (2022)

Part 3: Prioritize the Problems

“Write down were all of the things I felt were “problems” I had to deal with:”

– Lovie Price (Original Article)

1. Mentally designating what organization is important – birth certificates ext. What is in use – bills. What is in storage – desired mementos, then I will know if I am organizing the “important things” or not.
2. Organizing a bit more until I feel comfortable with my home.
3. Letting go of the fear that if one or more things are in disorder I am my mother, and a complete failure at providing a safe home for my kids.
4. Writing down a bit more emotional baggage from the hoarding experience as it surfaces.
5. Remembering to tell my husband my boundaries of not rushing for non-urgent situations.

“Pick your priority. It’s usually the one that affects everything else. And put that one on a separate page. Because the next step will be brainstorming possible specific solutions.”

– Lovie Price

I think letting go of the fear is priority one for me, I am doing okay, it’s not a dilapidated crack house in my house just because it isn’t Pinterest perfect.

I think I can make a routine for Tuesday, 1. My imperfect house is okay, but 2. Brainstorm what organization is important to redefine my mental space that is somewhat broken still 3. Note any emotional messages that pop up 4. Organize a bit, either discarding 5 things or decluttering for 5 minutes.

The reason I pick Tuesday is it’s fire day in Japanese and the idea of a fire burning my clutter into ash appeals to me, especially after a fire really did burn my grandfather’s cluttered carpentry workshop. Both of my grandfathers survived a fire, so it feels right to me to declutter on fire day (Tuesday).

Tue is also a German God of war, his legend says he was so courageous that he put his hand in a wolf’s mouth so it could be leashed by the other gods, it bit off his hand, so he is a one-handed God. That will hopefully be a reminder not to throw away something “too vital.” (2020)

Problems are different now, right this minute I’m ill and 1. my mind is unclear, but in general, 2. restoring the garden is hard because it’s so large and unstructured, 3. it’s hard to get enough rest after cleaning this house I’m not used to cleaning, 4. it’s hard knowing how to discipline the kids to follow the rules enough to have a harmony in our family. I know I will get better from this sore throat, but beyond that there may not be a winning strategy, moving away from this house may be the way to not have to restore the garden, clean the house and it may bring more peace to my family. I may be living in the middle of a no win solution family who won’t be able to harmony together. I hope my husband finds a house in this state, but more than that I hope we find somewhere peaceful to live while the kids are little, I don’t want to fix old problems more than I want my kids to have a happy childhood. (2022)

Part 4: Eating the Elephant

• 1. Set the goal.

I will let go of expecting my home to be perfectly organized, make up my mind what is important to keep organized, organize my mind, space and time a little each week for personal comfort.

• 2. Create the plan.

I will either discard five items or spend five minutes organizing on Tuesday each week until my home is the way I want it. Mental baggage, physical items, and information such as files have equal weight. I will shoot for 10AM and if it doesn’t work reschedule. My reward is a cookie or a flan.

• 3. OverallI and specific decision process.

I will live in a home that includes a sense of knowing where things are, and in a mind that has a good grip on what is important and what is acceptable chaos for me.

I will try not to blame myself for being “bad at organizing” and instead just get better at mental and physical organization from here onward.

• 4. Set concrete commitments and follow through with action.

I will write an article following up about the organization, that is a kind of commitment for me.

• 5. Wrapping up all the loose ends requrired to complete the goal.

This will take time. I may work “over time” but having a designated time gives me a sense of peace that this will get done over time.

What I really lack is the feeling I have my “ducks in a row,” that feeling is what I want more than actually having them in a row I think. I hope it’s possible. I know Buddha said suffering comes from wanting to hold onto something unchangable in an everchanging world, but I do so very much want to line up all my ducks.

Life feels very different now, since moving the whole family to Hawaii instead of migrating back and forth, things are more difficult, more stressful, and more tense than I anticipated. There isn’t a desire to move backward, but there is one to move forward.

Part 5: Monetary Goals

““Pay Yourself First” plan. I gave myself $30 only every week (allowance) for whatever I wanted, then I put away $25 faithfully until I could afford $50 a week.”

– Lovie Price

This is good, even though my goal is a mental and organizational goal it does help to be able to purchase a wonderful shelving unit if I want one. Right now I am using a lot of free boxes, my noodles and tea boxes as they are empty. But replacing those with colorful ones someday may be nice or perhaps decopaging nice fabric or paper onto them.

When I became a stay at home mom I didn’t want to take my husband’s money, but watching our kids, which are his kids keeps me from making my own most the time, so I’m starting to feel better about it. Right now I have a $75 a month education budget for books ext, I would like to ask for $100 and start saving $25 to get a fancy art or biology college text book that would have a ton of high quality illustrations, which my kinetic daughter could appreciate even though the images are free online… or if not the text books, a high quality storage solution for toys when we find one. Right now, I haven’t even seen something I want available, but it would be nice to have money saved so when I see it, I can get it right then. Like the $109 play table we just got for $30 at the swapmeet, if we didn’t have the cash, we wouldn’t have gotten that table.

We use the new table to have a letter of the day party, finding things that start with the letter of the day for five minutes and counting how many we got. It’s really good for building interest in spelling and activating the “left” brain, perhaps seeing the items also integrates the “right” brain. I use quotations because the left vs right paradigm is being challenged lately in a few books I’ve read.

I really enjoyed reading about how Lovie saved for a house in her part 5 article, it’s something that felt impossible just a few months ago, but her article really made it seem practical.

My 11-month-old is about to turn 1, instead of a big party we bought him 1 stock in SPY SNP 500, which is an ETF which is like a fund of a combination of 500 companies, so a board of people interested in finance will pay attention to profit and I can just let the money grow. I like the ETF better than regular stock because the odds of losing are lower, if 1 company failed it wouldn’t affect the overall 500 very much.

The idea started with watching a documentary of the Roosevelts, FDR convinced people to put their money back in the banks rather than hoarding it, he convinced me too. My son had cash from cards from relatives and we didn’t need anything so the cash was just sitting around. In an ETF it can be growing, it doesn’t really matter how long it takes because it’s money that wasn’t needed.

When my son got a stock, my daughter wanted one too, so we got her one also (but with her own money since she has a checking account).

We used the Robbinhood app, as far as I can tell it was totally free to buy the two ETFs. My husband had the app already, but hadn’t used it because we didn’t really have money so clearly unspoken for as the kids do. I think having a little bit of stock will encourage the kids to learn math to see if their stocks have earned or how many they have and probably just to be more positive about finance than I was.

So to be clear to myself, my financial goals for now are 1. Stay within my $75 education budget for books ext. each month. 2. Help keep the family on the food budget, but not worry if it’s my husband chooses to go over, because that’s not my fault, I’m just trying to help him meet his defined goal. 3. Pay off our midwife bill, it’s on 0 interest until December, if I need to transfer it we have great credit right now so, it’s not a big deal, but will be nice when that is done. 4. Start saving $25 of my $75 education budget for a telescope or other big purchases. 5. Keep updating the mint app so my husband can see all our information easily. 6. Get the credit cards even more organized, there were two or three that I haven’t spent anything on in a long time and if they get canceled I lose credit age, so one of these days I’ll buy gummy bears at Target to keep them open. I think it’s every two years that need a purchase or the banks think I’m dead and cancel my cards. I’ve lost about four accounts that way. (2020)

I’ve become even less able to focus on finances… that is, not surprising, I’m doing more with community activities, doing more with education, with cooking, with home, but I have let myself slip further and further away from the realm of finances and I shouldn’t, I should be a responsible adult living in harmony with finances. (2022)

Part 6: Finding Your Bliss

True peace is knowing that there is no need to escape. So , what does all that amount to anyway? Well it ties in to all of the other steps in a sense. Because at the point when you have defined yourself, found your truth, began to work on defined problems by making a real plan ( that usually include monetary ones- for most people) there is usually the crazy side effect of starting to feel a bit more in control. You can move forward because there are less things to hide from, run from or avoid. You are well on your way to CALM. This doesn’t mean there will never be strife, anxiety, frustration or anything negative ever again. There will still be tough moments or days and unexpected obstacles. 

– Lovie Price

Two things just hit me, one I am a game addict and even though I’m not on a binge right now I do binge at times and two, even though I don’t have a “major” problem I lack the feeling of being in control that I want.

Even acknowledging that much is beyond my control I still want to feel I am being more “on point” with the things within my control.

On the show Hoarders, Matt Paxton finds a person living in the mess he has to clean up, the outdoor garden has a shed with a homeless man, who lives in the messy garden, and poops in a bucket. Matt actually got to know the guy a little bit and interviewed him, he had been a law student, before his fiance left him and through some bad choices he sunk lower and lower, until he lived in a mess on someone else’s property, pooping in a bucket. Matt said after knowing him, it could have been anyone, that we are all about five decisions away from sh*ting in a bucket.

Something rung true about that for me.

Matt also said he believes we are all about five decisions away from doing very well, that both success and failure are not far from any of us.

That feels true to me also.

I’m happy where I am, yeah I like Rimworld a little bit too much, but I’m not saying it’s anywhere comparable to worse problems, which I have had.

In trying to find my levels, level 1 was living on the streets in Chicago after my mother threw me out for no reason on my 14th birthday and my father forgot to call, level 2 was being pregnant and also very ill with IBS and food allergies at the same time (at least I had my own toilet), level 3 was being in school not learning anything because I was ahead and the curriculum was poor, just wasting every day in some kind of comfort and health though, level 4 was feeling engaged with life, training for a BBJ tournament in Brazil, competing in absolute weight tournaments in California and Las Vegas, and level 5 was the first two years when I met my husband, when I felt what it feels like to be loved and accepted by anyone for the first time.

So, I think now I live at a level 3.5, meaning though there are really cool moments, the average is like eating cardboard.

I’ve got so much to be grateful about that I don’t think about it much, I know some of the more arduous parts of being a parent will pass soon, but there is a lack of engagement, in flow, in allowing myself passion projects right now.

My kids play well and are safe, so it’s more about me not knowing the answer, than me not being able to do something.

I really enjoy computer games, but I worry that I’m not able to play just a little and I also wonder if it keeps me from doing writing or other things.

I know having fun is good for health and breaks are okay, but there seems to be a pattern in my life where I never mix balance and projects with gaming.

Watching this Ted Talk Matt talks about people getting “stuff” to keep them happy, but yet it holds them back. I wonder if gaming is a great creative outlet for fun in my life or part of the “holds me back” pile of stuff that gets in the way of a better life?

Less Stuff = More Time

Matt presents a decluttering alternative to “spark joy” called “use it or lose it.” He recommends humor to get rid of things and donation.

I wonder if it is hedonistic adaptation (taking life for granted) that makes me feel like today was a level 3 day? Or if I’m avoiding the things in life that would make me really engaged with life to stay in my comfort zone?

“I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms…”

– Henry David Thoreau

I don’t think I sucked out all the marrow today, but I did taste it. I feel like I’m close to a better life, I can’t say if reaching it, would I feel that it was the same after all, but I really feel like I’m close to finding a better life within, in the same home, with same family, but between me and myself or me and the world.

Like the planets aligning, rather than just all circling. I want to feel alignment with myself, between my values and my life. Not just practice, or talk about it, or write about it, but FEEL it. Get a sense of what it tastes like.

Am I a few items away from that? Or do items not really matter?

Clear your physical space and your mental space. Be selfish with your time, be specific with your time. When your kids ask if they can play the answer needs to be yes.

– Matt Paxton

I feel a little guilty, because I don’t like playing with my daughter much. We are together, but we don’t have a game that we BOTH like. For the longest time, I played with her an hour a day, whatever she wanted, but I hate playing “Frozen” and acting in general, I would like to find something that we both liked. I don’t want to not play with her, but I don’t enjoy suffering through the same dramatic play I don’t like.

I wrote most of this Thursday, took a break and continued Friday.

Today I kind of had a epiphany that my elephants are more like being rude and impatient and mean than any games or coffee or things I sometimes question. It was a rough day.

I made a chart following the instructions:

1. Relaxing my mind, I listened to Bach’s Prelude my heart’s song.

2. Making a list of 7 columns: 1. Everything you can think of that makes me feel “happy”. 2. The name of a person you most closely associate to those feelings. 3. The location that you would most closely associate with those thoughts. 4. Smells. 5. Sounds. 6. Colors 7. Textures.

1. Music, Nice People, Rainbows, Water Color Painting, Books, Libraries, the Ocean, Coffee, Pizza.
2. Bach, S____, M_____, Bob Ross, Henery David Theroe, Mama, Mama, Dad, Balboa Island.
3. The piano room at college, home in Honolulu, town in Honolulu, at work with my daughter, the Huntington Beach Library, the fountain of the Huntington Beach Library.
4. Chocolate, clean wind, water in the air, paint pigment, paper, old binding glue, salt water, bold roasted bean smell, hot pepperoni oil smell.
5. Organs play Fugue, laughter, sunlight evaporating puddles, brushes scraping canvas, pages turning, quiet walking and movement, the waves and wind, a pot brewing, the pizza being served on a plate and the door of the place it is kept closing.
6. Fushia pink, sunshine yellow, bold lime green, indigo blue, brown, silver, dark green, dark brown, light cream.
7. Epervesent bubbles, light cotton, smooth liquid, rough paint, smooth paper, slick metal, salty air, slightly thick liquid, gooy cheese. (2022)

Once you have your grid completed, put it down. Go back to whatever it was that you were doing to relax previously – for about 15 minutes. Then stop again, look back at your list.. Circle the first 7 things that stand out. 

– Lovie Price

Mine were: my son, Holi festival, smiles from strangers, the absence of phone calls, not being on call, walks in nature, the dark blue of twilight. (2020)

Mine were: Music, nice people, rainbows, watercolor painting, the ocean, Henery David Thoreoe, the fountain of the Huntington Beach Library. (2022)

This is the place I need my mind to be to experience bliss. The type of bliss that gets me through those tough times.  I don’t need to actually BE anywhere else. I just need my mind to be there. The idea behind this is that we need to be able to find our bliss at any time, every day by recognizing the things that make us feel good and THEN creating a space in our lives that closely resembles that space. In our homes, in our hearts, and in our minds. When you take time to really consider all of the aspects of the things that bring you peace, you are more likely to bring them closer to you in your life. And having those things close will help bring you balance and peace when you need it the most.

– Lovie Price

It took me a long detour to accept, without guilt, my short list of seven things that bring me happiness: my son, Holi festival, smiles from strangers, the absence of phone calls, not being on call, walks in nature, the dark blue of twilight.

I can divide mine into two categories, connect and calm. Connection: Holi, smiles from strangers, my son. Calm: absence of phone calls, not being on call, walks in nature, and the dark blue of twilight.

Connection: Nice people, Henery David Thoreoe, music. Calm: Watercolor painting, the ocean, Wonder: Rainbows, the fountain of the Huntington Beach Library. I still like calm, as a human I still like connection, but I crave a return to the wonder of my childhood, the person I was, and the things I loved at that time. As my last child is growing bigger I feel it like a last call to remember my own childhood. (2022)

I am an introvert, being alone gets me pumped up and energized, but it’s not like I hate people. I love people, I just need a low dose. Festivals are great, because I know when the crowd will end. The mood will be positive, safe (probably) and it will end soon. Smiles are not questions, a smile is usually safe (unless it’s creepy, but even then it’s better than a creepy question or statement).

My bliss are things in line with my personality. The calm is my introversion, the connection is humanity. Needing one doesn’t mean you don’t need the other as well.

I’m aware this post is getting very scattered (multiple goals, multiple focuses), but it’s taking my scattered thoughts and distilling them into a less chaotic feeling, so I’m okay with that. Why try to force clarity and brevity on the world of inner emotions? Right now I’m meeting myself where I am and perhaps I’ll find an authentic clarity down the line rather than impose a false one now for tradition.

The idea behind this is that we need to be able to find our bliss at any time, every day by recognizing the things that make us feel good and THEN creating a space in our lives that closely resembles that space. In our homes, in our hearts, and in our minds. When you take time to really consider all of the aspects of the things that bring you peace, you are more likely to bring them closer to you in your life. And having those things close will help bring you balance and peace when you need it the most.

I worked (and am indeed, still working) to bring myself closer to those things by daily setting aside time to envision them, then creating the scenario in my life – inside and out. I began vacationing more in the woods (near those things), I spent more time with my roommate, eliminated things that were far from my ideal lifestyle, and even MOVED. I burned scented candles/incense, kept my room cool and moist and played water sounds as I slept. I began walking more often outside. These things have become part of my every day, and so are more often in my mind. They help me transition more quickly from chaos to calm, especially when things aren’t going so well.

Because bliss is about how you want to spend your days and time, who you want to spend it with, what you want to be surrounded with, what smells, sights, sounds , and textures you want to experience every day.

Bliss is not about an escape from every day life, its’s what you want your everyday life to BE.

– Lovie Price

I’m noticing two things right now, one, I also find bliss in carne asada tacos, but was a bit ashamed to admit that, however now that I let go of the shame dam about the first 7 things, it’s come down for most everything. And two, that this step in Lovie Price’s 10 steps is the first step of the Kon Marie decluttering method, to imagine your ideal life and then keep in your life those things you love (within your power obviously). So it’s not what shirts can you throw away, but what shirt will I keep to live “THAT life.” A life of joy.

I haven’t even taken any steps towards making those spaces yet, but I feel momentum of continuing the 10 steps, which I had no idea the depth of when I started, I didn’t correlate it was “those 10 steps” when I started, I thought it was like a small journaling exercise when I started, but I none the less committed to doing the exercise with all my heart. I didn’t go through the 10 steps before, other than the inventory and serenity, but I have a feeling that Lovie’s are somehow deeper, or at least better suited for me.

I just burnt a corn tortilla on accident, usually, I throw it away when food gets burnt, but I tried it instead, and it was amazing. I thought I love BBQ meat because it is meat, but I guess I actually love burnt food. Still just getting to know myself at 34, I thought I hated burnt food. (2020)

So much has happened since I wrote this, we moved out of state, my daughter was diagnosed as SPD Sensory Processing Disorder (not a disability but definitely a challenge), we got her help for that via Alpha-Stim treatment because she has an awesome neurologist Dr. Amin at Cortica, that made my life way better, we tried public school, she didn’t like it, she came out to home school at the Polestar School of Champions, with help from The International Academy of Science’s Power Home School curriculum, we just started a non-profit educational outreach group that meets on Wednesday, we started keeping chickens and getting more into agriculture, the whole pandemic happened which caused a lot of tension and trauma in our family, we did a lot of sessions with a nice counselor in town, my husband moved to our state unexpectedly four months ago, he was able to get work and start work. All those things would have made me very stressed out if I hadn’t found Lovie’s “Soul Inventory” beforehand, so yes I was still stressed out, but I had an extra how can I use this unwanted change to rebuild something more in line with what I really like lens the whole time as well and that desire to flip my life around made the change a lot more bearable. (2022)

Part 7: Unmasking the Face of Change

If you finally replaced the roof, but after rechecking, you found a few areas you missed. Sure, they may be areas no one will notice (it’s only a few shingles-right?). You could let them go but, they could cause major problems later.

– Lovie Price

This is a good time for me to check my goals, the most important are

1. Connection: Dial down being rude to my loved ones, and being impatient with myself and others.
2. Calm > Organization: Dial up creating a calm, lovely space.

I haven’t back slided yet, because I haven’t really gotten started, but I like that I’m starting to mentally focus on what I do want rather than what I want to get rid of, I will get rid of clutter, but for a reason to create a calm, lovely space, not just compulsively.

Part 8: The Trifecta- Dealing with Labels, Truths, and Problems

When you review your previous list of labels, think long & hard about why you have assigned them to yourself – which emotion created it? Was it a positive one? If not – DITCH it. That’s right – find all the negative ones and throw them in the can like the decaying body parts they truly are. They are of no use to you. Then seek out replacement labels. When you are done with this task, go back and reassign the negative labels you have placed on others.

– Lovie Price

Going back to the beginning list to add my feelings:

I am human, I err, stumble and bleed red. (Acceptance – Authenticity – Serenity)
I am alive. (Wonder – Curiosity – Gratitude)
I am a philosopher. (Acknowledgement – Authenticity – Fear)
I am sentimental. (Acknowledgement – Authenticity – Fear)
I am creative. (Acknowledgement – Authenticity – Fear)
I am a dreamer. (Humor – Wonder – Acknowledgement)
I am lucky. (Humility – Gratitude – Wonder)
I am grateful. (Gratitude – Humility – Surprise)
I am optimistic. (Acknowledgement – Acceptance – Serenity)
I am a defender of the innocent where I can be. (Humility – Gratitude – Surprise)
I am honest. (Acknowledgement – Fear – Curiosity)
I am learning. (Humility – Fear – Shame)

I have no problems.

Concerns

I am disorganized.
I rush (myself and others more than I want to).

I am constantly learning. < Emotion that I am a continuation of who I was as a child, an interested learner.
I make things happen. < Realization that I’ve been able to go from ideas to execution quite a bit more than before and more than others around me.

Some things I used to identify with I now think are common to most people, so it’s not that they are not true, but when I think about who I am as different I notice the drive to learn and the drive to execute. When I think about truths I know it is true that I still haven’t got perfect at prioritizing what I do first and making timelines to finish projects in a timely manner. With problems, my biggest problem is being uncomfortable with the way my family communicates (I feel like I am being judged, shamed, criticized, attacked often without just cause), but I don’t feel like my skills at changing how I communicate are really going to be effective in changing the whole family dynamic, what I want is an accepting, warm or at least safe space to be myself and take refuge from the world, in reality, my friends are my place to seek refuge and heal from the disfunction of my family group.

Looking at the past and then now, I feel some loss of the way things were, but there was no way to keep them how they were, I notice a lot of growth and maturity in myself, but I don’t know that I welcome it vs accept it, because it came more suddenly and with more pain than was comfortable, it was past challenge and all the way to struggle and turmoil. Life is probably better now, but the cost for everyone was high.

🕊️

Lay the past to rest in the past and live today today as best we can,

what else can we do?

“Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.”

– Terry Goodkind 🕊️

GOAL REMINDERS:

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS:

Stuff coming up: Wednesday Birthday ✔️, March 9/10th Birthday, March 14th Neighbors Coming Over

Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990.

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. 🎵 SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. TUE Teamwork Smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Mental Health: My mind feels cluttered. My daughter’s mental health was swinging towards worse again, I realized her treatment machine electrodes were broken so ordered new ones, I felt better once they were headed over, because then at least there was something that would probably help soon.

Physical Health: The week started fine, but I got pretty sick at the end, not horribly, but enough that pushing through extra or even normal chores wasn’t an option. I asked my husband for pizza, he came home and said he had “pizza… not”, that’s why he is an a**hole. Not because he didn’t have pizza, but he goes the extra mile to mess with you when you are already down.

Social Health: I know what it means now to be uplifted, I’m happy to have people that do that in my life now. Right now my company is mixed. My dad is back, he doesn’t uplift me, but at least it’s getting less tense than before (still tense). I did tai chi which also helps take the edge off, but again, just slightly.

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LIFE JOURNAL:

Saturday: Last Saturday friends came over and we had a BBQ and also planted the lawn grass seeds, this Saturday we picked up my dad at the airport and tried a new burger place, things felt off because my sister had surgery yesterday.

Sunday: Last Sunday picked my greenhouse off the floor literally, I wanted to split the bamboo (did it), I also should find a shady spot for the mushroom logs (didn’t yet), start the Irish Moss (didn’t), water the patio garden better (did) sensitive about gardening, but still not confident.

Out of the garden, I wanted to finish a photo book, I did that Saturday. I wanted to finish the griffin painting and the whale painting, I mostly did that, I’m just debating glitter on the griffin. So some things are done, other things like the spring lights are not done. The lawn is going well, a work in progress, the front garden is going well too, but more unfinished than finished as of yet. Worked on a bit of pond wall reinforcement.

Trying to get new Silkie chicks soon for my son’s birthday.

My mind is swimming, I don’t like it, but I think I’m mildly ill. I also spent a long time in the sun, but I don’t think that is why I am dizzy/disconnected.

I’m trying to finish my son’s home video movie, but it is slow going.

Monday: Last week I was painting a griffin painting, this week it’s done. Spliced the spring lights today, had to sand down the ends with sandpaper because the wires were coated with plastic insulation. Wanted to make a movie for my son today, but I don’t have the energy right now after taking down the winter lights, putting up the spring lights, moving the golf net, watering the bamboo transplants and the grass lawn, cleaning a mess in the kitchen and on the porch, doing a load of laundry, folding the kitchen towels, starting another load of laundry, cleaning dog diarrhea, cleaning my son’s accident, cleaning my son, giving my son a bath, teaching health class and spelling in our home school and looking at science experiment ideas with my kids. Then my sister came home with more lights and I spliced some more on…

School was okay covered the immune system, innate, specific, and cellular with Amoeba Sisters, Crash Course and Acellus, also did some reading which is the last grade level course left in the year, my son did science, reading, and math. He got into sight words more yesterday. We filled out a new goal worksheet. Everything is a bit busy lately, I worked on two paintings, two areas of the garden, two students’ home school days… so everything is two lately, two birthdays coming up in the next two weeks, setting up for two new chickens.

I’ve got time right now, but I can’t imagine cooking a “good dinner” or doing anything mentally draining. I ate a can of Chunky soup and my kids had a combination of bananas and ice cream, that was my best today…

Tuesday: Last week I made a photo book for my son by reviewing three years of photos and time in three days, I’m glad I did it, but at the same time it was so mentally draining. Today I watered the lawn, weeded it further, moving clover, rocks, centipede grass, leaves, the grass is growing well overall, it’s been really dry so I made sure to water, I moved the golf net again for my dad, I guess I didn’t give him enough space where it was, so I moved it, I have a large rock in the way of leveling it where it is, so I’ll check that out first and if it is a good spot I’ll get that large rock out. The front bamboo got stressed when I split it, but it’s holding green color, which means it’s still alive, so I should probably fertilize it, but the store is all empty of the compost I usually get and pretty much of all the soil.

I was feeling unsure if anything mattered, and then I got a compliment and it made everything feel “better”. You kind of never know what matters when you are doing it, or not always, but if you never do anything then you for sure won’t know what would have happened. It seems like kind people are so few sometimes, but no matter how few they are able to change the world a lot with their example and existence. Thank God for kind people.

Sunday Tuesday

The morning glories inspired me today because I wanted to see something new, yesterday these were way smaller (the grass was too, but it’s hard to see). One thing that is different between when I am more productive vs less productive is that when I take extra time to see what I did get done (by taking photos) it does help me shake off fatigue and power through being overwhelmed and move towards that imaginary “best life” that I want to have.

I just noticed I hit the 200 reader mark, it may not sound like a lot, but it’s mind-boggling to me, I think a long time ago people would have only met that many people in a lifetime, and you can’t really know 200 people very well, as far as I know, but even to brush 200 people in a loose way is still kind of amazing to me. I’m very happy to have each reader, but also to be decluttered if it doesn’t work out as well. Sometimes I have to unfollow blogs that make me feel “rushed” to do more than I can, even though I love blogs that “nudge” me forward.

Wednesday: Last week the beach day was wonderful again, we filed for incorporation as an educational charity. Learning the Hebrew alphabet got three more letters: אבג-דהו-זחט-יכל, I also looked up the ancient meanings and that was interesting. I reviewed the last three one more time. Today it was a birthday so it was a bit more crazy then I like, but I tried to do my best not to be a buzzkillington. We made slime, which I liked, ran out of glue, going to get more next month. Our friends are going through some hard times, it makes me wish I could help them more. My daughter’s best friend liked the painting I made, so that was nice. I decided to rotate science demos, 1. chemistry, 2. physics, 3. biology, 4. math/art/music. We had some interest from other parents to help with science experiments on buoyancy, I hope that works out, but either way, we have had a growing interest in science and math challenges and a great turnout for martial arts and theatre.

Thursday: Last week I made a website for our adventure scouts, this week I got sick with a super sore throat, I hope not strep… it feels like strep. Our last dog is dying, a month after the first. She has a tumor too large to operate on so she is a hospice dog now… I’m fine, but it’s going to be a weird time because it’s my son’s birthday week, so it’s going to be sadness and joy and excitement all mixed up.

Friday: Last week I split the bamboo, today I was too sick to do extra. I was able to handle math, language, and agriculture class for the kids, because I have Acellus/Power Homeschool. And Spanish and Chinese are easy courtesy of Duoling (free app). It’s very helpful to have those as a base and teach extra on top rather than everything. It rained yesterday and today so most things got watered, but not the patio, I really should water it, but I don’t know if aI will or not. In the paper today it said restrictions are due to be lifted the 25th, which is exactly 2 years and 16 days of restrictions for our family since we were early to start in California, and late to end in Hawaii. Good riddance (I hope it is true).

So I did water the patio, no sign of the lavender sprouting yet, but that’s okay, it’s only been a few days. Looking at the pictures I don’t know how to feel, I feel more disconnected than happy or sad, like I don’t know where I am (even though I am at home) or how I got where I am now, I feel like a new person suddenly living my life, it’s a weird feeling, but I’m only 36 so I think it’s more because I’m sick and less because I have oncoming dementia (I hope).

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🐸

I started this post in April of 2017, which was five years ago as of now.

When I started writing this I was reading a book called The Relationship Revolution: Are You Part of the Movement Or Part of the Resistance? by Owen Williams. I met Owen (via video at least) and I like that he asks questions a lot of people don’t ask. There wasn’t a magic bullet anywhere in the book, but a lot of what he said was true and sometimes helpful, but to be honest it was more help finding out more about myself and where I should set limits and less about improving my relationship with my spouse.

I had a really enjoyable relationship before getting married, and a difficult time being married, so I looked around for what was wrong. But there is no silver bullet or magic cure.

My husband was messier than I liked and didn’t want to do 50% of the cleaning. Now he is still messy and still won’t do 50% of the cleaning, but I don’t care too much and I don’t expect him to do 50%. He made me angry because he wanted it cleaner and pushed me to clean more, after years I stopped letting him push me. Now I clean as much as I want to and I don’t expect anyone else to do any of it. I clean as much as I want to, when I want to, I love myself when it is messy or when it is clean, though I do like it to be clean. My mind feels scattered when it is too cluttered, so I want to clean, yet it is a cycle in real life of really having time and energy to do what should and could get done in a normal day, after all, is said and done, energy is limited, time is limited, money for furniture ext is limited.

No relationship book helped me make peace with the fact I didn’t get the 50%/50% marriage I dreamed of before getting married. Just looking at the reality, asking if I wanted to keep dealing with it or not, and then deciding to do the best I could with it if I was going to deal with it further was what I eventually needed to do to make my marriage work for me.

The Relationship Revolution was a thought-provoking book, kind of like the Awakened Family, How to Interpret Your Dreams and Discover Your Life Purpose, Will I Ever Be Good Enough, Honor Your Anger, and The 7 Habits of Highly Succesful People. All these books dangle something you want, give you a taste, and then ask “what about you, look at yourself?!”

PAST ME: Will he ever put away his clothes like an adult?

FUTURE ME: No, but just leave all his mess somewhere it doesn’t bother you. And you have other stuff to think about like martial arts. You just married a messy guy, he isn’t going to change, he doesn’t care to.

PAST ME: Is he going to treat me nicely like when we were dating? Some couples keep doing that for many years.

FUTURE ME: Nope, some people do that, but not you guys. You will try and he won’t meet you half way and you will be all angry until you stop trying.

PAST ME: Does he love me?

FUTURE ME: In the way that he does, which is to say he won’t work hard on my account, or do things like put his socks away, but he loves me in a way that doesn’t meet my expectations at all or mirror the way I love people.

PAST ME: Is it worth it getting married?

FUTURE ME: It’s not really clear, you gain a lot, but you lose a lot. You lose freedom, endure bad conversations, attend events you don’t like, visit people you don’t care for, but you do get to eat out more places, have support sometimes during stressful events and explore the world in ways you just wouldn’t choose to otherwise. I would say you break even between loss and gain, but you live a different life, a parallel life.

PAST ME: I don’t believe you that it isn’t wonderful and pricelessly beneficial to find my soulmate.

FUTURE ME: Oh, you will. When you carry a baby into the mall to buy him a $500 replacement watch for your anniversary and find out A that he didn’t so much as get you a card, Inn and Out Burger coupon, or a dandelion, then B that he gave away the first watch drunk because he was mad about something super stupid, then you will believe me.

PAST ME: How do you deal with that?

FUTURE ME: You just live your own life, it doesn’t mean you never get angry or don’t care, but it means you realize he can be stupid, that you can also be stupid and that it’s okay that you are both stupid sometimes. You stop being a perfectionist and just take life for what it does have to offer. You start seeing marriage more like seasons, with some horrible weather that is outside of your control, you know you have the strength and power to leave him if you want to and that gives you room to breathe and makes you care less about the little details that drive you crazy.

Three pieces of advice I wish I could give to myself before I got married: 1. Don’t throw a wedding so his mom can go, she is going to back out after you waste time and money planning a bigger wedding than you want. 2. Don’t wait for him to go to Seattle or do anything else you want to, he lags so much it isn’t even funny. 3. Save up more of your own money, don’t pay all the bills he runs up because he doesn’t get financially responsible and give you an equal choice of what to spend his money on, just have him pay his own and put yours into a stable stock like the SPY SNP 500 or another ETF.

So marriage, kind of like stocks are not blanket, wins or loses, but much more complicated and nuanced than that.

Getting married?

Congratulations?/I’m Sorry?

A lot of suffering and a lot of joy. Or maybe all suffering or maybe all joy…

Kind of like getting surgery, is that good? Is that helpful? Is that necessary?

You will take a risk and know more in 10 years if it was a really good idea.

January 26th Aye Bale Angel asked me “I would love to read more your perception towards marriage before you got married given that your parents divorced in the early years of your life. Did your parents’ divorce have an effect on your marriage?” 

I would have to say that their divorce didn’t hugely impact my marriage or perception, but their failure to communicate well, thus me not having a model of how to do that, did affect me a ton.

Owen’s book goes super into detail about that, how people should clearly say what they need to enjoy life rather than to be resentful and behave defensively when they are hurt. Either the book or the podcast covers it better than I can say, but I will summarize it to say that no matter what negative fights a couple is stuck in, they can stop that, they can change what they do, but one person doesn’t get to have exactly what they like if the other one doesn’t care to play game.

So for example we don’t fight about spending, but it doesn’t mean that we have a budget either, which I would be more comfortable with. So even if you play by the rules of communicating nicely and doing what you should as a spouse it doesn’t mean your partner magically will go vegetarian with you if you want them to ext. But communication is the way to get as much of the behavior you want from the other person, they may give you 30% or 99%, but they will not give you that much if you are silently angry you don’t have 100% of what you want or if you are always silent about what you want from life.

Summary of how to stay married: “Ask nicely if you want something”.

Summary of how to stay happily married: “Pick someone really nice to live with, then ask nicely if you want something.”

📖