“Like sands through an hourglass, so are the days of our lives.”

– Lloyd Waters

Timeline: I started this 4th March 2020 and now it has been two years and one pandemic later. New stuff in italics. It just so happened this covered the pre-pandemic/post-pandemic time span almost perfectly. I used to call it the “Someday Post”.

I set this exercise aside about six months ago to do someday because it seemed both really cool and also really daunting… it’s all from Lovie Price’s blog. It’s a self-awareness/life inventory process, similar to others but unique and interesting in its flow and contents.

Part 1: “Let’s Start With Labels”

How I currently define myself: 2020

I am human, I err, stumble and bleed red.
I am alive.
I am a philosopher.
I am sentimental.
I am creative.
I am a dreamer.
I am lucky.
I am grateful.
I am optimistic.
I am a defender of the innocent where I can be.
I am honest.
I am learning.
I am disorganized (more than I want to be).
I rush (myself and others more than I want to).

(Yay! Just learned shift + enter will put text a line down without spacing it into a new paragraph on WordPress, I’ve been wondering about that for years and years.)

How I currently define myself: 2022

I am consciously alive.
I am persistently grateful.
I am constantly learning.
I make things happen.
People can’t easily stop me. I’m semi-unstoppable.

Part 2: What is truth?

“Indeed, what you believe is true, is true for YOU. That doesn’t make it real, right or productive… As you look through your list a few times, maybe circle some that you are not sure of or desire to change… After you circle them- try to start figuring out the very first time you believed it, heard it or knew it. Then look at the source and make SURE it was a reliable one.”

– Lovie Price (original article)

2020:

I am alive.
I am grateful.
I am optimistic.
I am a defender of the innocent where I can be.
I am learning.

2022:
I am constantly learning.
I make things happen.

Slightly mind blown to realize I haven’t been rushing much. I rush mostly with my husband, who is usually late. It is true I would like to do it less. But it’s not a huge thing. I can tell him, don’t expect me to leave until you tell me when we are leaving, give me five minutes before you expect me to be ready and pack anything you want for the kids unless you tell me what you want to be taken ie diapers or clothes.

That would solve that issue. A plan to uphold a boundary I want in my life.

The other issue is more sticky… I am disorganized, less than some, more than some, but more than I want to be.

“If I am to change any of this thinking I have to identify how I came to believe it first (and start looking past the smoke & mirrors).”

– Lovie Price

Actually, the truth is “I” am not disorganized, “I am a human being” who does have disorganized school notes, a few disorganized odds and ends, one pull up bar that has no good home and a poorly organized charging station. As well as some disorganized computer files and a broken computer…

I am not disorganized, I am pretty well organized, but imperfect. I am a person, who would like even more clarity and organization.

I think sometimes I felt out of control growing up in a hoarding environment, sometimes I had a mess in my backpack, planner, and actually in my heart and mind as well.

But feeling out of control isn’t the same as being disorganized.

Just because I haven’t organized everything as I would like to someday do, doesn’t mean that my identity as a person is “disorganized”.

I am not DISORGANIZED. Actually, I am more organized than a typical homeschooler (I think).

I am scared to be disorganized because of how much of a failure my mother was at organizing our possessions and lives, she lost my birth certificate, social security number/social security card, would forget my name…

She was a failure, sharing her mental state even more than her physical state was my greatest fear.

So if I’m 1% or 10% or whatever amount disorganized, it’s terrifying.

I’m so surprised I never knew I felt that way before writing this. I thought I felt disorganized because there are two folders of unorganized paperwork in the bookshelf right now, and the guitar hook hasn’t gotten hung up yet.

But I think it’s more like intolerance for what are normal levels of disorder in life, due to fear, due to stress trauma.

Hmm.

I can’t remember the first time I was disorganized, but I know when I wanted to sell my motorcycle and couldn’t find the deed, was one time it came to a head, my husband helped me look so nicely, so uncharacteristically patiently. It was in the closet in a file cabinet waiting to be sorted. I was so ashamed remembering that and writing that, but what person has no piles of paper clutter? I think I expected too much from myself. When I really think about my life, I excelled at organization compared to my parents and probably still hit normality. But the pain of not really knowing is a bit unpleasant. I guess it doesn’t matter if I’m normal compared to others, it matters if I’m healthy for me and for my kids. (2020)

Since writing this I haven’t gotten too much better organized physically, but I’ve become emotionally more organized. I organize my time better, I organize my energy not just my time, I’m aware I have limitations on how much garden progress can happen based on what I’ve been able to do before rather than what I wish I could do. I’m not ashamed anymore that it took me a long time to get the hang of cleaning because of the Children of Hoarders article about the way hoarding affects family members. I’ve become a different person, I’ve become more into taking action to repair things and less into feeling bad about things being unideal. I never in the past decided to waste time and energy feeling bad, but now it’s just become an automatic habit to find something I can do. Do what you can, where you are, with what you have.” – Theodore Roosevelt. Actually, that has become my core mantra lately. (2022)

Part 3: Prioritize the Problems

“Write down were all of the things I felt were “problems” I had to deal with:”

– Lovie Price (Original Article)

1. Mentally designating what organization is important – birth certificates ext. What is in use – bills. What is in storage – desired mementos, then I will know if I am organizing the “important things” or not.
2. Organizing a bit more until I feel comfortable with my home.
3. Letting go of the fear that if one or more things are in disorder I am my mother, and a complete failure at providing a safe home for my kids.
4. Writing down a bit more emotional baggage from the hoarding experience as it surfaces.
5. Remembering to tell my husband my boundaries of not rushing for non-urgent situations.

“Pick your priority. It’s usually the one that affects everything else. And put that one on a separate page. Because the next step will be brainstorming possible specific solutions.”

– Lovie Price

I think letting go of the fear is priority one for me, I am doing okay, it’s not a dilapidated crack house in my house just because it isn’t Pinterest perfect.

I think I can make a routine for Tuesday, 1. My imperfect house is okay, but 2. Brainstorm what organization is important to redefine my mental space that is somewhat broken still 3. Note any emotional messages that pop up 4. Organize a bit, either discarding 5 things or decluttering for 5 minutes.

The reason I pick Tuesday is it’s fire day in Japanese and the idea of a fire burning my clutter into ash appeals to me, especially after a fire really did burn my grandfather’s cluttered carpentry workshop. Both of my grandfathers survived a fire, so it feels right to me to declutter on fire day (Tuesday).

Tue is also a German God of war, his legend says he was so courageous that he put his hand in a wolf’s mouth so it could be leashed by the other gods, it bit off his hand, so he is a one-handed God. That will hopefully be a reminder not to throw away something “too vital.” (2020)

Problems are different now, right this minute I’m ill and 1. my mind is unclear, but in general, 2. restoring the garden is hard because it’s so large and unstructured, 3. it’s hard to get enough rest after cleaning this house I’m not used to cleaning, 4. it’s hard knowing how to discipline the kids to follow the rules enough to have a harmony in our family. I know I will get better from this sore throat, but beyond that there may not be a winning strategy, moving away from this house may be the way to not have to restore the garden, clean the house and it may bring more peace to my family. I may be living in the middle of a no win solution family who won’t be able to harmony together. I hope my husband finds a house in this state, but more than that I hope we find somewhere peaceful to live while the kids are little, I don’t want to fix old problems more than I want my kids to have a happy childhood. (2022)

Part 4: Eating the Elephant

• 1. Set the goal.

I will let go of expecting my home to be perfectly organized, make up my mind what is important to keep organized, organize my mind, space and time a little each week for personal comfort.

• 2. Create the plan.

I will either discard five items or spend five minutes organizing on Tuesday each week until my home is the way I want it. Mental baggage, physical items, and information such as files have equal weight. I will shoot for 10AM and if it doesn’t work reschedule. My reward is a cookie or a flan.

• 3. OverallI and specific decision process.

I will live in a home that includes a sense of knowing where things are, and in a mind that has a good grip on what is important and what is acceptable chaos for me.

I will try not to blame myself for being “bad at organizing” and instead just get better at mental and physical organization from here onward.

• 4. Set concrete commitments and follow through with action.

I will write an article following up about the organization, that is a kind of commitment for me.

• 5. Wrapping up all the loose ends requrired to complete the goal.

This will take time. I may work “over time” but having a designated time gives me a sense of peace that this will get done over time.

What I really lack is the feeling I have my “ducks in a row,” that feeling is what I want more than actually having them in a row I think. I hope it’s possible. I know Buddha said suffering comes from wanting to hold onto something unchangable in an everchanging world, but I do so very much want to line up all my ducks.

Life feels very different now, since moving the whole family to Hawaii instead of migrating back and forth, things are more difficult, more stressful, and more tense than I anticipated. There isn’t a desire to move backward, but there is one to move forward.

Part 5: Monetary Goals

““Pay Yourself First” plan. I gave myself $30 only every week (allowance) for whatever I wanted, then I put away $25 faithfully until I could afford $50 a week.”

– Lovie Price

This is good, even though my goal is a mental and organizational goal it does help to be able to purchase a wonderful shelving unit if I want one. Right now I am using a lot of free boxes, my noodles and tea boxes as they are empty. But replacing those with colorful ones someday may be nice or perhaps decopaging nice fabric or paper onto them.

When I became a stay at home mom I didn’t want to take my husband’s money, but watching our kids, which are his kids keeps me from making my own most the time, so I’m starting to feel better about it. Right now I have a $75 a month education budget for books ext, I would like to ask for $100 and start saving $25 to get a fancy art or biology college text book that would have a ton of high quality illustrations, which my kinetic daughter could appreciate even though the images are free online… or if not the text books, a high quality storage solution for toys when we find one. Right now, I haven’t even seen something I want available, but it would be nice to have money saved so when I see it, I can get it right then. Like the $109 play table we just got for $30 at the swapmeet, if we didn’t have the cash, we wouldn’t have gotten that table.

We use the new table to have a letter of the day party, finding things that start with the letter of the day for five minutes and counting how many we got. It’s really good for building interest in spelling and activating the “left” brain, perhaps seeing the items also integrates the “right” brain. I use quotations because the left vs right paradigm is being challenged lately in a few books I’ve read.

I really enjoyed reading about how Lovie saved for a house in her part 5 article, it’s something that felt impossible just a few months ago, but her article really made it seem practical.

My 11-month-old is about to turn 1, instead of a big party we bought him 1 stock in SPY SNP 500, which is an ETF which is like a fund of a combination of 500 companies, so a board of people interested in finance will pay attention to profit and I can just let the money grow. I like the ETF better than regular stock because the odds of losing are lower, if 1 company failed it wouldn’t affect the overall 500 very much.

The idea started with watching a documentary of the Roosevelts, FDR convinced people to put their money back in the banks rather than hoarding it, he convinced me too. My son had cash from cards from relatives and we didn’t need anything so the cash was just sitting around. In an ETF it can be growing, it doesn’t really matter how long it takes because it’s money that wasn’t needed.

When my son got a stock, my daughter wanted one too, so we got her one also (but with her own money since she has a checking account).

We used the Robbinhood app, as far as I can tell it was totally free to buy the two ETFs. My husband had the app already, but hadn’t used it because we didn’t really have money so clearly unspoken for as the kids do. I think having a little bit of stock will encourage the kids to learn math to see if their stocks have earned or how many they have and probably just to be more positive about finance than I was.

So to be clear to myself, my financial goals for now are 1. Stay within my $75 education budget for books ext. each month. 2. Help keep the family on the food budget, but not worry if it’s my husband chooses to go over, because that’s not my fault, I’m just trying to help him meet his defined goal. 3. Pay off our midwife bill, it’s on 0 interest until December, if I need to transfer it we have great credit right now so, it’s not a big deal, but will be nice when that is done. 4. Start saving $25 of my $75 education budget for a telescope or other big purchases. 5. Keep updating the mint app so my husband can see all our information easily. 6. Get the credit cards even more organized, there were two or three that I haven’t spent anything on in a long time and if they get canceled I lose credit age, so one of these days I’ll buy gummy bears at Target to keep them open. I think it’s every two years that need a purchase or the banks think I’m dead and cancel my cards. I’ve lost about four accounts that way. (2020)

I’ve become even less able to focus on finances… that is, not surprising, I’m doing more with community activities, doing more with education, with cooking, with home, but I have let myself slip further and further away from the realm of finances and I shouldn’t, I should be a responsible adult living in harmony with finances. (2022)

Part 6: Finding Your Bliss

True peace is knowing that there is no need to escape. So , what does all that amount to anyway? Well it ties in to all of the other steps in a sense. Because at the point when you have defined yourself, found your truth, began to work on defined problems by making a real plan ( that usually include monetary ones- for most people) there is usually the crazy side effect of starting to feel a bit more in control. You can move forward because there are less things to hide from, run from or avoid. You are well on your way to CALM. This doesn’t mean there will never be strife, anxiety, frustration or anything negative ever again. There will still be tough moments or days and unexpected obstacles. 

– Lovie Price

Two things just hit me, one I am a game addict and even though I’m not on a binge right now I do binge at times and two, even though I don’t have a “major” problem I lack the feeling of being in control that I want.

Even acknowledging that much is beyond my control I still want to feel I am being more “on point” with the things within my control.

On the show Hoarders, Matt Paxton finds a person living in the mess he has to clean up, the outdoor garden has a shed with a homeless man, who lives in the messy garden, and poops in a bucket. Matt actually got to know the guy a little bit and interviewed him, he had been a law student, before his fiance left him and through some bad choices he sunk lower and lower, until he lived in a mess on someone else’s property, pooping in a bucket. Matt said after knowing him, it could have been anyone, that we are all about five decisions away from sh*ting in a bucket.

Something rung true about that for me.

Matt also said he believes we are all about five decisions away from doing very well, that both success and failure are not far from any of us.

That feels true to me also.

I’m happy where I am, yeah I like Rimworld a little bit too much, but I’m not saying it’s anywhere comparable to worse problems, which I have had.

In trying to find my levels, level 1 was living on the streets in Chicago after my mother threw me out for no reason on my 14th birthday and my father forgot to call, level 2 was being pregnant and also very ill with IBS and food allergies at the same time (at least I had my own toilet), level 3 was being in school not learning anything because I was ahead and the curriculum was poor, just wasting every day in some kind of comfort and health though, level 4 was feeling engaged with life, training for a BBJ tournament in Brazil, competing in absolute weight tournaments in California and Las Vegas, and level 5 was the first two years when I met my husband, when I felt what it feels like to be loved and accepted by anyone for the first time.

So, I think now I live at a level 3.5, meaning though there are really cool moments, the average is like eating cardboard.

I’ve got so much to be grateful about that I don’t think about it much, I know some of the more arduous parts of being a parent will pass soon, but there is a lack of engagement, in flow, in allowing myself passion projects right now.

My kids play well and are safe, so it’s more about me not knowing the answer, than me not being able to do something.

I really enjoy computer games, but I worry that I’m not able to play just a little and I also wonder if it keeps me from doing writing or other things.

I know having fun is good for health and breaks are okay, but there seems to be a pattern in my life where I never mix balance and projects with gaming.

Watching this Ted Talk Matt talks about people getting “stuff” to keep them happy, but yet it holds them back. I wonder if gaming is a great creative outlet for fun in my life or part of the “holds me back” pile of stuff that gets in the way of a better life?

Less Stuff = More Time

Matt presents a decluttering alternative to “spark joy” called “use it or lose it.” He recommends humor to get rid of things and donation.

I wonder if it is hedonistic adaptation (taking life for granted) that makes me feel like today was a level 3 day? Or if I’m avoiding the things in life that would make me really engaged with life to stay in my comfort zone?

“I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms…”

– Henry David Thoreau

I don’t think I sucked out all the marrow today, but I did taste it. I feel like I’m close to a better life, I can’t say if reaching it, would I feel that it was the same after all, but I really feel like I’m close to finding a better life within, in the same home, with same family, but between me and myself or me and the world.

Like the planets aligning, rather than just all circling. I want to feel alignment with myself, between my values and my life. Not just practice, or talk about it, or write about it, but FEEL it. Get a sense of what it tastes like.

Am I a few items away from that? Or do items not really matter?

Clear your physical space and your mental space. Be selfish with your time, be specific with your time. When your kids ask if they can play the answer needs to be yes.

– Matt Paxton

I feel a little guilty, because I don’t like playing with my daughter much. We are together, but we don’t have a game that we BOTH like. For the longest time, I played with her an hour a day, whatever she wanted, but I hate playing “Frozen” and acting in general, I would like to find something that we both liked. I don’t want to not play with her, but I don’t enjoy suffering through the same dramatic play I don’t like.

I wrote most of this Thursday, took a break and continued Friday.

Today I kind of had a epiphany that my elephants are more like being rude and impatient and mean than any games or coffee or things I sometimes question. It was a rough day.

I made a chart following the instructions:

1. Relaxing my mind, I listened to Bach’s Prelude my heart’s song.

2. Making a list of 7 columns: 1. Everything you can think of that makes me feel “happy”. 2. The name of a person you most closely associate to those feelings. 3. The location that you would most closely associate with those thoughts. 4. Smells. 5. Sounds. 6. Colors 7. Textures.

1. Music, Nice People, Rainbows, Water Color Painting, Books, Libraries, the Ocean, Coffee, Pizza.
2. Bach, S____, M_____, Bob Ross, Henery David Theroe, Mama, Mama, Dad, Balboa Island.
3. The piano room at college, home in Honolulu, town in Honolulu, at work with my daughter, the Huntington Beach Library, the fountain of the Huntington Beach Library.
4. Chocolate, clean wind, water in the air, paint pigment, paper, old binding glue, salt water, bold roasted bean smell, hot pepperoni oil smell.
5. Organs play Fugue, laughter, sunlight evaporating puddles, brushes scraping canvas, pages turning, quiet walking and movement, the waves and wind, a pot brewing, the pizza being served on a plate and the door of the place it is kept closing.
6. Fushia pink, sunshine yellow, bold lime green, indigo blue, brown, silver, dark green, dark brown, light cream.
7. Epervesent bubbles, light cotton, smooth liquid, rough paint, smooth paper, slick metal, salty air, slightly thick liquid, gooy cheese. (2022)

Once you have your grid completed, put it down. Go back to whatever it was that you were doing to relax previously – for about 15 minutes. Then stop again, look back at your list.. Circle the first 7 things that stand out. 

– Lovie Price

Mine were: my son, Holi festival, smiles from strangers, the absence of phone calls, not being on call, walks in nature, the dark blue of twilight. (2020)

Mine were: Music, nice people, rainbows, watercolor painting, the ocean, Henery David Thoreoe, the fountain of the Huntington Beach Library. (2022)

This is the place I need my mind to be to experience bliss. The type of bliss that gets me through those tough times.  I don’t need to actually BE anywhere else. I just need my mind to be there. The idea behind this is that we need to be able to find our bliss at any time, every day by recognizing the things that make us feel good and THEN creating a space in our lives that closely resembles that space. In our homes, in our hearts, and in our minds. When you take time to really consider all of the aspects of the things that bring you peace, you are more likely to bring them closer to you in your life. And having those things close will help bring you balance and peace when you need it the most.

– Lovie Price

It took me a long detour to accept, without guilt, my short list of seven things that bring me happiness: my son, Holi festival, smiles from strangers, the absence of phone calls, not being on call, walks in nature, the dark blue of twilight.

I can divide mine into two categories, connect and calm. Connection: Holi, smiles from strangers, my son. Calm: absence of phone calls, not being on call, walks in nature, and the dark blue of twilight.

Connection: Nice people, Henery David Thoreoe, music. Calm: Watercolor painting, the ocean, Wonder: Rainbows, the fountain of the Huntington Beach Library. I still like calm, as a human I still like connection, but I crave a return to the wonder of my childhood, the person I was, and the things I loved at that time. As my last child is growing bigger I feel it like a last call to remember my own childhood. (2022)

I am an introvert, being alone gets me pumped up and energized, but it’s not like I hate people. I love people, I just need a low dose. Festivals are great, because I know when the crowd will end. The mood will be positive, safe (probably) and it will end soon. Smiles are not questions, a smile is usually safe (unless it’s creepy, but even then it’s better than a creepy question or statement).

My bliss are things in line with my personality. The calm is my introversion, the connection is humanity. Needing one doesn’t mean you don’t need the other as well.

I’m aware this post is getting very scattered (multiple goals, multiple focuses), but it’s taking my scattered thoughts and distilling them into a less chaotic feeling, so I’m okay with that. Why try to force clarity and brevity on the world of inner emotions? Right now I’m meeting myself where I am and perhaps I’ll find an authentic clarity down the line rather than impose a false one now for tradition.

The idea behind this is that we need to be able to find our bliss at any time, every day by recognizing the things that make us feel good and THEN creating a space in our lives that closely resembles that space. In our homes, in our hearts, and in our minds. When you take time to really consider all of the aspects of the things that bring you peace, you are more likely to bring them closer to you in your life. And having those things close will help bring you balance and peace when you need it the most.

I worked (and am indeed, still working) to bring myself closer to those things by daily setting aside time to envision them, then creating the scenario in my life – inside and out. I began vacationing more in the woods (near those things), I spent more time with my roommate, eliminated things that were far from my ideal lifestyle, and even MOVED. I burned scented candles/incense, kept my room cool and moist and played water sounds as I slept. I began walking more often outside. These things have become part of my every day, and so are more often in my mind. They help me transition more quickly from chaos to calm, especially when things aren’t going so well.

Because bliss is about how you want to spend your days and time, who you want to spend it with, what you want to be surrounded with, what smells, sights, sounds , and textures you want to experience every day.

Bliss is not about an escape from every day life, its’s what you want your everyday life to BE.

– Lovie Price

I’m noticing two things right now, one, I also find bliss in carne asada tacos, but was a bit ashamed to admit that, however now that I let go of the shame dam about the first 7 things, it’s come down for most everything. And two, that this step in Lovie Price’s 10 steps is the first step of the Kon Marie decluttering method, to imagine your ideal life and then keep in your life those things you love (within your power obviously). So it’s not what shirts can you throw away, but what shirt will I keep to live “THAT life.” A life of joy.

I haven’t even taken any steps towards making those spaces yet, but I feel momentum of continuing the 10 steps, which I had no idea the depth of when I started, I didn’t correlate it was “those 10 steps” when I started, I thought it was like a small journaling exercise when I started, but I none the less committed to doing the exercise with all my heart. I didn’t go through the 10 steps before, other than the inventory and serenity, but I have a feeling that Lovie’s are somehow deeper, or at least better suited for me.

I just burnt a corn tortilla on accident, usually, I throw it away when food gets burnt, but I tried it instead, and it was amazing. I thought I love BBQ meat because it is meat, but I guess I actually love burnt food. Still just getting to know myself at 34, I thought I hated burnt food. (2020)

So much has happened since I wrote this, we moved out of state, my daughter was diagnosed as SPD Sensory Processing Disorder (not a disability but definitely a challenge), we got her help for that via Alpha-Stim treatment because she has an awesome neurologist Dr. Amin at Cortica, that made my life way better, we tried public school, she didn’t like it, she came out to home school at the Polestar School of Champions, with help from The International Academy of Science’s Power Home School curriculum, we just started a non-profit educational outreach group that meets on Wednesday, we started keeping chickens and getting more into agriculture, the whole pandemic happened which caused a lot of tension and trauma in our family, we did a lot of sessions with a nice counselor in town, my husband moved to our state unexpectedly four months ago, he was able to get work and start work. All those things would have made me very stressed out if I hadn’t found Lovie’s “Soul Inventory” beforehand, so yes I was still stressed out, but I had an extra how can I use this unwanted change to rebuild something more in line with what I really like lens the whole time as well and that desire to flip my life around made the change a lot more bearable. (2022)

Part 7: Unmasking the Face of Change

If you finally replaced the roof, but after rechecking, you found a few areas you missed. Sure, they may be areas no one will notice (it’s only a few shingles-right?). You could let them go but, they could cause major problems later.

– Lovie Price

This is a good time for me to check my goals, the most important are

1. Connection: Dial down being rude to my loved ones, and being impatient with myself and others.
2. Calm > Organization: Dial up creating a calm, lovely space.

I haven’t back slided yet, because I haven’t really gotten started, but I like that I’m starting to mentally focus on what I do want rather than what I want to get rid of, I will get rid of clutter, but for a reason to create a calm, lovely space, not just compulsively.

Part 8: The Trifecta- Dealing with Labels, Truths, and Problems

When you review your previous list of labels, think long & hard about why you have assigned them to yourself – which emotion created it? Was it a positive one? If not – DITCH it. That’s right – find all the negative ones and throw them in the can like the decaying body parts they truly are. They are of no use to you. Then seek out replacement labels. When you are done with this task, go back and reassign the negative labels you have placed on others.

– Lovie Price

Going back to the beginning list to add my feelings:

I am human, I err, stumble and bleed red. (Acceptance – Authenticity – Serenity)
I am alive. (Wonder – Curiosity – Gratitude)
I am a philosopher. (Acknowledgement – Authenticity – Fear)
I am sentimental. (Acknowledgement – Authenticity – Fear)
I am creative. (Acknowledgement – Authenticity – Fear)
I am a dreamer. (Humor – Wonder – Acknowledgement)
I am lucky. (Humility – Gratitude – Wonder)
I am grateful. (Gratitude – Humility – Surprise)
I am optimistic. (Acknowledgement – Acceptance – Serenity)
I am a defender of the innocent where I can be. (Humility – Gratitude – Surprise)
I am honest. (Acknowledgement – Fear – Curiosity)
I am learning. (Humility – Fear – Shame)

I have no problems.

Concerns

I am disorganized.
I rush (myself and others more than I want to).

I am constantly learning. < Emotion that I am a continuation of who I was as a child, an interested learner.
I make things happen. < Realization that I’ve been able to go from ideas to execution quite a bit more than before and more than others around me.

Some things I used to identify with I now think are common to most people, so it’s not that they are not true, but when I think about who I am as different I notice the drive to learn and the drive to execute. When I think about truths I know it is true that I still haven’t got perfect at prioritizing what I do first and making timelines to finish projects in a timely manner. With problems, my biggest problem is being uncomfortable with the way my family communicates (I feel like I am being judged, shamed, criticized, attacked often without just cause), but I don’t feel like my skills at changing how I communicate are really going to be effective in changing the whole family dynamic, what I want is an accepting, warm or at least safe space to be myself and take refuge from the world, in reality, my friends are my place to seek refuge and heal from the disfunction of my family group.

Looking at the past and then now, I feel some loss of the way things were, but there was no way to keep them how they were, I notice a lot of growth and maturity in myself, but I don’t know that I welcome it vs accept it, because it came more suddenly and with more pain than was comfortable, it was past challenge and all the way to struggle and turmoil. Life is probably better now, but the cost for everyone was high.

🕊️

Lay the past to rest in the past and live today today as best we can,

what else can we do?