๐Ÿฃ 2022 Worm Moon ๐ŸŽ‘

A Month of Emotions

I looked over my weekly notes and I’m labeling the pictures of how I felt both with the Yale Mood Meter scale, that exercise is called “labeling” and is supposed to increase granularity and emotional intelligence.

The first week went from pleasant surprise at recognition to hopeful eudaimonia, to hopeless overwhelming insecurity, to gratitude and connection, to uneasy hurt and ended in an intense disconnection. It strikes me as one of the most rollercoaster-like weeks I’ve ever noticed, but I don’t know if it really is or if I just never noticed.

The second week went from worried I wouldn’t be there for my kids if I stayed sick a long time, livid my father was wet blanketing my children’s happiness with paranoia and histrionics, peaceful when I was at peace with myself for getting sick and being only human, grateful for the good health or hours of good health I did have, inspired by the positive environment our scout group helped to foster, sufficient that I am enough, that I did a decent job as a mother despite what perfectionists and critics may say, and disappointed in an ambivalent bittersweet way that good friends were moving away to where perhaps was a better future for them.

The third week I felt really serene that life was changing in ways I didn’t understand, the next day I felt timeless like being on summer vacation as a child, kind of unrushed catharsis and lost in eternal time, then my grief from friends moving lessened to disappointment, then I found out we had 12 days before they left and I was hopeful that at least we could have a few more fun days together, the next day I was inspired to start a Patreon for the scouts, I don’t know if it will be successful, but it’s a good feeling to even being open to letting others help, I don’t always feel that way, it’s an optimistic feeling, I ended the week inspired about life, about spring about our scout group.

The fourth week I felt blessed to enjoy another day with our friends who are leaving, the next day we brought home our dog’s urn and that made me feel reflective, kind of thoughtful, but not thinking about any one thing, so I call that more reflective like my heart was thinking instead of my mind, when we went back to school from spring break we ran the assessment tests we had last year and had lots of progress so it did make me feel motivated that we were successful in growth, Tuesday I felt comfortable with life and the garden, I have some lavender coming up those little new sprouts tend to cheer me up despite the disorder and large amount of undone garden projects the sprouts give me hope for the future, I’m really inspired by the amount the other parents bring to our group, it’s touching how much they are committed to giving what they can to their kids and the other kids, I was touched that some people took the bus to come to the meetup when their car was in the shop, it must hold a lot of value to make it worth the trouble of taking the bus with two little kids, during the camping trip I chopped wood and made fire, it made me feel a strong connection to the past and a continuity from the past to me to the future, the second day of camping I was really proud of the scouts for using what they learned and trying new things.

Today is March 27th, and the pandemic is officially “over” though it is still around as a not a pandemic germ or whatever. Good riddance to bad public health safety measures I say, I think more than bitter or angry I am at this point relieved that it looks like the craziness of the past two years is now all done, during I was definitely bitterly bitter as I felt the areas I lived in went beyond what was right and missed what was effective both leaving people both under-protected and over restricted in a lose-lose situation.

Meta Emotion: Looking back at the third month I was energized by the coming spring even if I was sick at times or overwhelmed at times, overall I had hope for the future and a positive outlook to try my best with what I have. So that leads me to choose the “Happy Holi feeling” as the overall feeling of this month, which represents three things, love, the coming of spring after winter, and the triumph of good over evil.

I feel like I’m able to be with my feelings better than before, which is good. I still feel like living with other people can be very difficult, but at least I am still trying. ๐Ÿฃ

Physical Health: Didn’t work out at all other than martial arts and hikes, but just getting through normal life was for sure a triumph this month so I’m completely at peace with that, it’s to survive months like this that I ever work out. I don’t live to work out, I work out to have the strength to live my best life.

Social Health: On one hand my heart is bleeding a little to adjust to my good friends moving far, but on the other hand I like people at the scout group, I find most of the children sweet or charming, and the adults helpful, kind, and interesting. So it’s weird, I’m not satisfied, but I’m not isolating myself either, somewhere between.

Mental Health: This month living with my dad at times tries my patience but talking to my husband and sister that all of us younger people at least need to stay on the same page has helped. My dad gets paranoid sometimes and is super annoying at times, like when he told me my heavy pot will defiantly break the stove someday… Really? How about please take your pot off the stove… that would be less annoying. Those little lies, you are going to fall down (then you don’t), you are going to break that (and you don’t) they really keep me from respecting the people who tell them. I guess they are common turns of phrase, but they are like kryptonite to me, they are a red flag the person doesn’t care too much to be honest or informed about reality, but rather live with fear as a compass instead of values. So perhaps it’s not as bad as it could be, but I have to be honest I don’t treasure living with my dad and can’t wait until we have our own place to go to someday.

Something New: Our Adventure Scouts got a Patreon account set up besides updating the website and we did our first official camping trip.

What helped: Really embracing that I won’t be able to do everything I want to and some things will not work out well, but knowing what I do do is usually enough for me and the people I care about and that the things that do work out are so many that it’s usually still a positive impact.

๏ปฟ

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is img_20220128_162158944.jpg
“What are you going to do with your life lady?”
I did this! Planted blueberries for our “farm”.

BIG GOAL: Organize my stuff. (Started.)

Physical Goal: Actually clean up and organize more than exercise. (Did some.)

Social: Keep up the new Wednesday habit. (Did it and added a 1.5 day camping trip!)

Mental: Fix the pond leak sometime this month, which means finding it, I have a lot of liner, I have waterfall foam, now it’s just move everything out, check everything out and go. (Didn’t yet.)

๐Ÿฃ

โ˜” 2022 Twelfth Week ๐Ÿ”ฅ

There is magic in sincere forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive.”

Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

GOAL REMINDERS:

Made Using Lucid Chart
Last week: I did seed the new grass, I did plant the Rhubarb seeds, a baby duck came to the biology week meet up, it was so cute, it’s name was Sunny. It felt like a good week, but a week on fast forward as well. It seems like how often we see people, have people over and go out has doubled and that’s a lot for me, I want to mentally catch up some how, so again I have that Jurassic Park Allan Grant feeling:

“The world has just changed so radically and we’re all running to catch up.”

– Dr. Allan Grant (Jurassic Park)

This week: I want to place the slug beer traps… but the camping trip is the main goal.

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS:

Stuff coming up: Camping Thursday/Friday. Check-In With Student Loan

Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. ๐ŸŽต SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Saturday Faith
Sunday Unity
Monday Plans
Tuesday Teamwork
Wednesday Connection
Thursday Purpose
Friday
Creativity

Mental Health: Friday – I feel a bit off-balanced still, a bit over-socialized and underqualified, but I’m going to do my best with everything because that’s me. Monday – Returning to school after spring break, a bit hard, but mostly good. My daughter is graduating 1st grade, she writes at 50% speed, she reads and types at 3rd-grade level, I have a suspicion it takes so long for her to write due to dyslexia, she is looking at the words, copying them, getting lost, refinding the spot and throwing fits, I don’t know what her speed at original composition is, I should look at that and compare. It’s weird to me that when she reads out loud she is at 113 words per minute, but for writing, she is at 2 words per minute. Thursday – Been getting through each challenge well, but still lacking confidence on the inside, trying to accept my friends going away gracefully, but to really do it is harder. By the end of the week I really miss my friends still, they came over and brought me four blueberry plants, soil, and pots, all really nice ones, I planted them the very next morning and it feels heart-breakingly sweet that they know exactly what to get me that I would really love.

Physical Health: Friday – Still doing a slight cough from time to time, but 90% energy and pretty well overall. Thursday – I think I finally stopped the cough and it’s just some extra congestion and mucus in the morning, I guess only stragglers are left. By week’s end finally about normal.

Social Health: Friday – I’m having fun with our Science/Scouting group, certain moments, like when a lady told me her flowers bloomed so she could get the third place in the competition, things like that, like when a little girl cleaned up all the blocks, like when more and more people are not only sharing the work, but recognizing the value of what we do, and sharing the fun. All these little good moments keep happening and it makes it really easy to want to do it again the next week. Thursday I have good friends and I have a good group to allow me and others to make more, it’s just that we are losing some key members and that makes everything bittersweet. By the end of the week a lot more at peace with spending more time with so many people, because the people are changing from strangers to friends.


LIFE JOURNAL:

Kalahari Sunset by the Wandering Ambivert, found it last Friday, but still into it.

Saturday: Last week I was working on my son’s first-year video, which has been sitting on the back burner for two years. After it was done I felt really good though, he liked it and it was nice that it was done. It felt like it was a rock in my creative river and after finishing that, subtle things I can’t name started flowing again. We went to the market, caves, a waterfall and for pizza, good, but busy as well.

Sunday: Last Sunday we planted bentgrass with my daughter’s best friend, the seeds are doing very well already, it seems like the best grass in general for what we are doing is also the best suited to our area, so that’s something going well. This week my kids went with my sister to a cool Smithsonian Dino exhibit, I couldn’t go because I don’t have a vaccine card, but I got to go out to eat with my husband for the first time in about three years without kids. We also did our shopping so I got all my weird chemicals, hydrogen peroxide for elephant toothpaste, alcohol for DNA extraction, corn starch for Holi colored powder, potato starch for mochi, contact solution for slime, some containers for slime. I made juice from Soursop because our friends bought us one Saturday at the farmers market, it was really tasty actually. We picked up our passed away dog’s urn unexpectedly at night, so that tired me out. When the urn came back my daughter kept crying, which I guess is good. I didn’t really wait for the urn to grieve, but my sister and daughter did. The mood wasn’t too dark, just sincere and emotional, it felt kind of healthy and cathartic.

Monday: Last week we were doing Acellus with family friends, showing them Adventure Academy and Duolingo, I don’t know what will help or stick, but it’s good to keep an open mind, try new things and tell people when you find good things (I hope so anyway). This week we are returning to school after spring break, a bit hard, but mostly good. My daughter is graduating 1st grade, she writes at 50% speed, she reads and types at 3rd-grade level, I have a suspicion it takes so long for her to write due to dyslexia, she is looking at the words, copying them, getting lost, refinding the spot and throwing fits, I don’t know what her speed at original composition is, I should look at that and compare. It’s weird to me that when she reads out loud she is at 113 words per minute, but for writing, she is at 2 words per minute instead of 4, which would be grade normal. We finished the FFA unit in Agriculture and I also updated a lot of notes. We did a review of Spanish in an online flashcard program. I looked over our remaining classes, everything is near 70% which is fine to finish the year out on time in late May. Sometimes my mind seems to be 90% a log of curriculum and teaching rhetoric, other times I feel like a regular human, and other times I feel 1/3 teacher, 2/3 human being. The fire bow, patches, tent, compass, and three walkie-talkies came for camping, I don’t know exactly how things are going to work out camping, but it seems like it will be fun and it will be fine… that’s coming up so soon. Let’s see, I guess I could make a printout for each badge of the action, like fire starting with a fire bow, the science force, friction ext and then put them in document protection sheets and put them in folders and make like 2-4 folders… Star Viewing, Camping Skills… Navigation…

Tuesday: Last week we met a neighbor’s granddaughter and had my daughter’s first sleepover and that was fine, resting on the last chill day before the camping trip, Wednesday will be the beach and then Thursday/Friday are camping days.

Wednesday: Last week I did a DNA extraction at the beach, this week I forgot the plasma ball but we did a lot of art, there wasn’t music, it was kind of an off day two moms had car issues, one their car got broken into and the other their car is in the shop and they took the bus, but it was still fun overall, it was really touching that some people take the bus to come or others come despite dealing with car break-in repair and wallet replacement ext, the commitment from the other parents is super inspiring.

Thursday: Last week started a Patreon Account for our scout group, this week we went camping. My kids are good campers, both off to sleep at 8PM. I went to sleep later but slept well eventually. When I woke up, I saw Venus, it was pretty, but I’m surprised ancient people knew it was a planet and not a star, it just looks like a star to me. There was a miscommunication that happened on a hike, and I feel bad for the mother of a girl who went on an unapproved hike and came back safely. I am going to double-check in the future but I still feel unsettled by it. We need more clarity and redundancy. I made fire using a fire bow with a ton of help from a friend, it was so much harder than I thought but also cooler.

Friday: Last week I finished my son’s video project, which had been looming over my mind for some time, and started a Trauma and Brain Development course. This week I was on a camping trip and hiked Bird Park. The most notable part of the day was watching a child use the bowline knot we learned to climb from a tree, it’s one thing to learn something, another to remember it, but something entirely different to apply it.


Something new this week: Made a fire for the first time (without matches or a lighter).

Something good this week: Planted four blueberry plants that were gifts.

Something unexpected: Seeing the bowline knot go into usage was beyond my expectations and it’s a hard feeling to describe.

๐Ÿ”ฅ