A Month of Emotions
I looked over my weekly notes and I’m labeling the pictures of how I felt both with the Yale Mood Meter scale, that exercise is called “labeling” and is supposed to increase granularity and emotional intelligence.
The first week went from pleasant surprise at recognition to hopeful eudaimonia, to hopeless overwhelming insecurity, to gratitude and connection, to uneasy hurt and ended in an intense disconnection. It strikes me as one of the most rollercoaster-like weeks I’ve ever noticed, but I don’t know if it really is or if I just never noticed.
The second week went from worried I wouldn’t be there for my kids if I stayed sick a long time, livid my father was wet blanketing my children’s happiness with paranoia and histrionics, peaceful when I was at peace with myself for getting sick and being only human, grateful for the good health or hours of good health I did have, inspired by the positive environment our scout group helped to foster, sufficient that I am enough, that I did a decent job as a mother despite what perfectionists and critics may say, and disappointed in an ambivalent bittersweet way that good friends were moving away to where perhaps was a better future for them.
The third week I felt really serene that life was changing in ways I didn’t understand, the next day I felt timeless like being on summer vacation as a child, kind of unrushed catharsis and lost in eternal time, then my grief from friends moving lessened to disappointment, then I found out we had 12 days before they left and I was hopeful that at least we could have a few more fun days together, the next day I was inspired to start a Patreon for the scouts, I don’t know if it will be successful, but it’s a good feeling to even being open to letting others help, I don’t always feel that way, it’s an optimistic feeling, I ended the week inspired about life, about spring about our scout group.
The fourth week I felt blessed to enjoy another day with our friends who are leaving, the next day we brought home our dog’s urn and that made me feel reflective, kind of thoughtful, but not thinking about any one thing, so I call that more reflective like my heart was thinking instead of my mind, when we went back to school from spring break we ran the assessment tests we had last year and had lots of progress so it did make me feel motivated that we were successful in growth, Tuesday I felt comfortable with life and the garden, I have some lavender coming up those little new sprouts tend to cheer me up despite the disorder and large amount of undone garden projects the sprouts give me hope for the future, I’m really inspired by the amount the other parents bring to our group, it’s touching how much they are committed to giving what they can to their kids and the other kids, I was touched that some people took the bus to come to the meetup when their car was in the shop, it must hold a lot of value to make it worth the trouble of taking the bus with two little kids, during the camping trip I chopped wood and made fire, it made me feel a strong connection to the past and a continuity from the past to me to the future, the second day of camping I was really proud of the scouts for using what they learned and trying new things.
Today is March 27th, and the pandemic is officially “over” though it is still around as a not a pandemic germ or whatever. Good riddance to bad public health safety measures I say, I think more than bitter or angry I am at this point relieved that it looks like the craziness of the past two years is now all done, during I was definitely bitterly bitter as I felt the areas I lived in went beyond what was right and missed what was effective both leaving people both under-protected and over restricted in a lose-lose situation.
Meta Emotion: Looking back at the third month I was energized by the coming spring even if I was sick at times or overwhelmed at times, overall I had hope for the future and a positive outlook to try my best with what I have. So that leads me to choose the “Happy Holi feeling” as the overall feeling of this month, which represents three things, love, the coming of spring after winter, and the triumph of good over evil.
Physical Health: Didn’t work out at all other than martial arts and hikes, but just getting through normal life was for sure a triumph this month so I’m completely at peace with that, it’s to survive months like this that I ever work out. I don’t live to work out, I work out to have the strength to live my best life.
Social Health: On one hand my heart is bleeding a little to adjust to my good friends moving far, but on the other hand I like people at the scout group, I find most of the children sweet or charming, and the adults helpful, kind, and interesting. So it’s weird, I’m not satisfied, but I’m not isolating myself either, somewhere between.
Mental Health: This month living with my dad at times tries my patience but talking to my husband and sister that all of us younger people at least need to stay on the same page has helped. My dad gets paranoid sometimes and is super annoying at times, like when he told me my heavy pot will defiantly break the stove someday… Really? How about please take your pot off the stove… that would be less annoying. Those little lies, you are going to fall down (then you don’t), you are going to break that (and you don’t) they really keep me from respecting the people who tell them. I guess they are common turns of phrase, but they are like kryptonite to me, they are a red flag the person doesn’t care too much to be honest or informed about reality, but rather live with fear as a compass instead of values. So perhaps it’s not as bad as it could be, but I have to be honest I don’t treasure living with my dad and can’t wait until we have our own place to go to someday.
Something New: Our Adventure Scouts got a Patreon account set up besides updating the website and we did our first official camping trip.
What helped: Really embracing that I won’t be able to do everything I want to and some things will not work out well, but knowing what I do do is usually enough for me and the people I care about and that the things that do work out are so many that it’s usually still a positive impact.
BIG GOAL: Organize my stuff. (Started.)
Physical Goal: Actually clean up and organize more than exercise. (Did some.)
Social: Keep up the new Wednesday habit. (Did it and added a 1.5 day camping trip!)
Mental: Fix the pond leak sometime this month, which means finding it, I have a lot of liner, I have waterfall foam, now it’s just move everything out, check everything out and go. (Didn’t yet.)