“It sounds a paradox, but kindness and good intentions can be an insidious path to destruction. Sometimes doing what seems right is wrong, and can cause harm.” – Terry Goodkind 🕊️
As I look at this quote today, I think about my husband and I trying to live with my dad this past half year, I guess to us all seniors are seniors and he will need caretaking any time now, but actually, he doesn’t sit still enough to live with. It seemed right to spend time with my dad so the kids can get to know him, but he may benefit from space and peace more than the intense scrutiny living with little kids can bring. Either way, it’s not the best fit, so the week is the beginning of a new era, where we are in preparation to relocate.
VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:
SAT Faith in myself. 🎵 SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. ⚡ TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.
GOAL REMINDERS: Last week: I was struggling to do my normal stuff, the beach, the scouts, the cleaning, the garden, but still trying and still taking small steps forward.
This week: We decided to move out of state next year, so it is hard to know what to do, how much to save and how much to invest in repairs ext. The kids also have been sick so taking care of them has taken my gardening energy away.
ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS: Stuff coming up: Student loan check for borrowers defense. Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990
Mental Health: My husband and I need a home, not that we are homeless, we have been staying with family to see how he likes the state. It’s okay, but he doesn’t love it, so we are going to try a new state and try to find somewhere all of us can be happy. It’s not the high cost of living or far drives, but the lack of Latin culture and radio, limited food, shopping, and activities. In California, I never grew to like the overcrowding, rude people, and overload of things to do, I needed breathing room and thinking space. Hawaii is the opposite for my husband, kind of a green Siberia. So we have decided to finish out the year here, visit Florida in the summer and move there or somewhere else the beginning of next year.
Physical Health: I’m fine, but the kids are sick. I’m glad we are not sick together because I don’t have people to lean on during the week so I end up a walking zombie who stays sick for a long time due to not resting.
Social Health: Things are unstable, each month living with my dad I keep being stressed and annoyed and then wondering if the next month will be better and it isn’t.
LONG STORY It’s not all bad, but I don’t like him overanalyzing why the kids fuss when they fuss, I don’t care for him second judging that I punish the kids for making a mess, he doesn’t help me clean so I really really don’t care what his opinions of what I have to clean are. I’m at my limit, because I have a limit of what I can do, and how I want to live, he doesn’t understand that, he doesn’t prioritize the same way I do, we are two different people, and that is okay, but he makes it harder for me to have my children be disciplined, ex his bed is never made, so I try to explain to my kids they have to make theirs, and it just doesn’t seem like they have to. In general, living with my dad makes it harder for me to enjoy the day, and harder for me to live with my husband. He stresses me out off and on throughout the month, the difference between our view points for example, he tells my son don’t get angry and I think that is bulls*ht, maybe don’t yell, but we all get angry. Those things grate on me bit by bit and in the end all arrows point to moving to get more space, which is probably just a normal and natural thing, but I wasn’t sure if we could share the space and spend time together and help care for my dad as he ages. The short answer is no. The short answer is just that my husband, I and my dad don’t mix well and it is a burden on my husband and me to try and probably just not even the best solution for my dad either, I’m not sure. But either way, we need more social space. He hates my chicken’s poop on the patio, I hate his dog’s poop in the house. But the biggest thing is that it just isn’t enjoyable and it goes from not adding much to my life to taking away from it. It’s really frustrating living with my dad, I gave it another try because I thought maybe we would be able to enjoy him being around the kids and us helping out with some stuff, but although staying the summers had always been fine, staying a year and four months was not fun. It showed me that the broken home ambiance I grew up with wasn’t magically fixed over time, it showed me that my dad has outdated gender expectations that are on schedule to be fixed in my children’s lifetime, but not in him nor even in my husband. I learned about the uncomfortable kind of home life that I don’t want to have. Just like I didn’t want to work to make money to help my husband pay for a Southern California house I didn’t want because I didn’t enjoy the climate, area and busy lifestyle I don’t want to work to put my emotional energy into a toxic and critical family who expects elders to have more respect then they have earned and more decision making power than other adults, just because… that isn’t what I believe in, and so in a way I shouldn’t be feeding it.
SHORT STORY Even though I don’t pay rent, the rent isn’t worth it.
LIFE LESSON I guess in the end it’s not bad to hope, not bad to try, and not bad to fail, but now that I can feel it isn’t going to work out it’s less painful than wondering if it would. Some things don’t work out, and that’s just okay.
Saturday: Last week I unloaded the car from camping, and planted blueberries I was full of hope of starting a berry farm in Hawaii someday. This week my son was really sick at night, I think my husband and I were beating off a sickness, which just barely tired out my daughter, and got my son fairly sick.
Sunday: Last week we picked up our dog’s urn, I started soursop seeds and put away camping gear, and organized a little. This week my husband and I realized this state is not our forever home, we did not buy a house in our future state or anything, but mentally we are already sure we are not staying here next year.
Monday: Last week in school we made a lot of progress in Spanish and Agriculture. This week we are catching up on Collaborative Theatre. I checked in with Khan Academy and my daughter scored 94% on that First Grade Math class and she had graduated First Grade Math with 96% on Acellus, so since they were close scores it makes me more comfortable about Acellus being on par with other schools. School has changed a lot since I went to school. The math and English standards are much lower than what I remember, but the science and tech is crazy different than what I remember, so the total amount is somewhat more to learn now. I was looking at my goals and there really is not any reason that I can not transfer my goals to a new home when we get one, actually, it could be a lot easier if I am the only one in charge of my home to decide where to put things and how to use the water ext. I still hope to be involved with our scout group here in Hawaii, but assuming things go well I would be able to return for the summer and kind of work on the berry farm and the scout group in the summers. Tooling around on the internet I found my old university lost in court about false claims, so maybe I can get some of my student loan repaid by them.
Tuesday: Last week we have caught up in theatre as well. This week we nearly finished Agriculture 1 but my daughter just hit the buttons on the final and lied about it, so I got mad and then had to deal with how to punish her enough that she wouldn’t break the system we have and train her honesty.
Wednesday: Last week we did slime and elephant toothpaste and saw Hi’ilawe live. This week slime again. after the nice day at the beach I thought about why I did slime, it was because my dad had taken me to a small science expo at the mall, Launch Pad. So then I felt bad that I was not more greatful, but when I got home the laundry waiting, dog pee smell and dishes made me feel okay, both greatful and okay with having trouble living with the mess. It was pretty great today a lot of kids doing slime and painting and martial arts.
Thursday: Last week my favorite place came up on Momentum, Half Dome and I cleaned half my bedroom floors, blankets, baseboards. Chatting with the other moms we decided to throw a science fair in three weeks, I invited the Science Museum and the Environmental Restoration groups as guest judges, not sure if they will come or not. Bought $20 of patches, not really too much spent so far, but I think the extra table cloth and a few prizes will make it more fun. Then I over spent because I wanted a table cloth and then just got a bunch of stuff… $150 later, I keep telling myself I am going to start reeling my spending in.
I wrote this poem today:
.צפייה בחתולים, מבודר על ידי אנשים עסוקים תצטרך תנומה
Friday: Last week I was making nan with a new recipe and I noticed I had always 100% killed my yeast in the past and that answered a lot of bread questions. This week I made break again, and the dough was nice, but I made so much smoke frying it that I want to find a different way to fry it next week…
My week is over, somehow I did a lot today, laundry for my husband, his bedding, the house laundry, picked up soda and crackers for my dad, since he felt sick, made him jello, fixed the fridge ice maker which was frozen over, ran home school Spanish 1, did a lot of Science, Math and Music Fundamentals with my son, planted 25 bare root strawberries in a good citrus and steer manure blend in some new grow bags.
I drew this cat today…
My week is over again, it felt like it flew by. I was tired from the kids being sick and keeping me up, but since I was not sick it wasn’t horrible. I missed my friends who have made it 13 hours into the future, they have most of their day, then during their night I have the day that they had. So they can talk with me at night and it’s my morning, but so far I have been communicating with poems and cartoons.
This week I felt so alive at the beach, planning the Science Fair, gardening, I felt okay cleaning, cooking, doing school, I didn’t enjoy living with my dad… then I felt guilty, but being guilty you don’t like something isn’t the same as liking it, not at all. I don’t like when I feel like he is doing things for attention instead of being transparent and just planning more things that are together, I don’t like his “my house, my rules” attitude, when he needed the gutters cleaned it was “teamwork attitude”, when it comes to splitting bills it’s “teamwork attitude”, but he just wants to make rules alone rather than agreements or discussions that adults would usually have… so F that, really and truly F that.
As life goes on I can notice what drains me and what feeds me, what my real obligations and what obligations people want to push on me more and more… and I still spend a lot of time doing things I hate or rushing into the wrong things mindlessly, but at least it is less. I carve time in each week to enjoy life, not as much as I would want, but more than I ever have, so I am proud of that, it was hard for me and it is really good for my well being to in turn be more productive at cooking or saving money – ha ha ha, sometimes – and to have enough internal well being to have something to left emotionally and energetically to give to the community. Life isn’t perfect and it does feel busy with things starting up again and unsettled since my husband and I still don’t have our own home yet… but I am grateful for my kids, grateful the pandemic is over, grateful for this blog, which is still cool to me – because of you! Again thank you readers, I don’t always say it because I don’t want to seem like I’m selling it, but really thank you guys for sharing life with me a little bit.
Something new this week: Planted Earliglow strawberries, they are June bearing, I have never done the June bearing kind of strawberries before.
Something good this week: I made peace with leaving this state, even though it is slated for next year and even though moving is a lot of hassles, it feels right.
Something unexpected: My husband and I came to the conclusion that we are moving out of state next year, I suspected it may happen, but I was never sure if he would settle into my home state or not.