“There is magic in sincere forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive.” – Terry Goodkind 🕊️
VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:
SAT Faith in myself. 🎵 SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. ⚡ TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.
“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.“– Andy Warhol
Last Week: Wanted to catch mouse, set traps, but no luck.
This Week: I am on a decluttering kick. Caught the mouse unharmed Monday. Another Thursday.
ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS: Stuff coming up: Clean up.
Fri DMV Appt, Sat dad goes to airport, Wed Science Fair, Sun May 1st Tournament
Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990
GOAL JOURNAL: AIM FOR THE STARS AND FALL ON THE MOON
Phone Calls Monday (If Needed) or Clear Memory, Update the School Forms and Notes Tuesday, Update the Website for the Scouts Wednesday, Blog or Website Thursday and Check Finances Friday.
Mental Health: I’ve heard it a thousand times, when you focus on helping others you don’t worry about your own problems as much, but I am experiencing it more now. I spent Saturday, Sunday, and Tuesday cleaning with a friend, Wednesday teaching martial arts, and hosting a mini car race and bubble fest, today is Thursday and it’s been a better week than I’ve had in a long time.
Physical Health: I’m a tiny bit sick, but not bad at all 89% well. The kids are 100% and 99% better according to them.
Social Health: Good and bad, my dad is hard to live with, but we are clashing less since I was gone most this week. That really isn’t the same as getting along. I was able to help my friends, that feels right to me.
Saturday: Last week most the family was sick. This week everyone was better. I went to help my friend clean.
Sunday: Last week I felt some turmoil of not knowing if I am coming back here summers or not at all, I still don’t know. My dad threw a fit that my daughter didn’t take his dish right away and it just reminded me of why we are moving away from him, my daughter is six, she doesn’t need his drama and expectations that she will be his maid. I didn’t yell at him, but almost. And if I don’t yell, in my heart I turn my back on my dad’s way of living. The best revenge is being different from people you don’t respect.
CLEAN UP We cleaned my friend’s house until about 10PM, I didn’t intend to have the kids out so late at all, but I wasn’t watching a clock and I wanted to help finish. We did a lot but didn’t finish. I helped move a desk, plug the computer back in, wipe walls and baseboards, wipe toys, move shelves, move a table, clean chairs, organize tools and a cleaning area, and pest control area, wipe paintings, and take the trash out… My sister puttied holes, moved books, boxed items, groomed dogs built a bed… I cleaned a fridge and another friend cleaned the freezer, some other people washed dishes… toys seem to take forever…
Monday: Last week I filed the application for federal borrowers defense of my student loan. This week trying to register for a tournament. It is a rare night I am up past midnight. Sorting over last week I see that one good thing about this kind of journal, is that when you are overwhelmed you still see goals completed or brainstormed from days you have a clearer mind.
In the morning we had caught a mouse without hurting it, my sister took it to the junkyard to live, there is food and water there, and chickens may eat it, but it won’t hurt a different house.
My new lotus plants are growing very well now, planted them last weekend, and gave them out Wednesday, today they are much bigger, and at about 18 days they need soil.
I’m having a coffee, hiding from my dad, I just don’t want to talk to him. I tell my sister to be direct and talk with him, but don’t like to talk to him lately myself. I guess I will, but just not until I have something to say.
The book I was reading last week called “Outer Order, Inner Calm” was by an author I like, Gretchin Rubin. It starts by saying that 1. First, we make choices – what possessions to keep and what to do with them. 2. Once we’ve cleared through our things, we create order by organizing, repairing, and attending to neglected areas. 3. Next, we reflect on ourselves, to know ourselves – and others – so that we can take those individual insights into account. 4. Then, once the clutter is vanquished, it’s useful to cultivate helpful habits to maintain that order, and 5. add beauty to make our surroundings more inviting and comfortable.
I’m trying to summarize that 1. Pick your tools. 2. Fix your boat holes. 3. Know your size and shape. 4. Oil your sword and armor. 5. Carve the maidenhead.
I was able to register for the right tournament today, the first time I am fighting under my own school.
Tuesday: Last week my week I was very much grieving the relationship between my father and I. The one that we had while I grew up, when he pushed me away as a big kid, as a teen girl, as an adult who doesn’t agree about parenting or life. This week I went to help clean, when I left I finally felt comfortable that it would be enough to pass inspection, which was the goal.
Wednesday: Last week our group did an egg hunt, a dino tent, lotus and strawberry plants, lots of fun, and good vibes. This week, the meet-up was amazing again, most weeks feel like they are more amazing than the week before, but sometimes chill weeks are nice too. The kids playing with large bubbles were just too cute, it was a failure to make bubbles to juggle the recipe should be water 1.5 cups, soap 0.5 cups, corn syrup 0.25 cups, and microfiber or wool gloves, we had cotton gloves and bubble mix, but not soap, also we should have straws to make the bubbles. So we will try again soon on chemistry day. There was a birthday cake, forgotten candles, but a wonderful song. The race track was super small but the younger kids had a great time with it, they really went to town with the blocks building little cities and things. Tuesday my husband laughed in my face when I told him I was fighting in a tournament, he didn’t say why… he couldn’t stop laughing to say anything. Then he tried to talk and he just started laughing hard again… So. That really sums up what my family support system is like, which is why it’s great having a friend-based support system.
Thursday: Last week having trouble registering for a BJJ tournament because there were two, two weeks apart here in the same town, which is rare, got it cleared up Tuesday and was super excited to be fighting under my own school name for the first time. I’ve made some peace with my father, that he is hard to live with, but that it’s okay that he is how he is and with myself that it is okay if it is hard for me to live with my father and that I don’t like to live the way he likes to live. It’s okay I need to move, it’s okay if I am uncomfortable before I move, it’s okay to have a hard time living with family, it’s okay to try my best and have it not work still, it’s okay for me to need things neat, it’s okay if I don’t have the time and energy to move back when my dad needs help, we have other family members who can or other people can, it doesn’t have to be me if it isn’t good for me or for him. I don’t need to stay near him, I don’t need to stay with him, I don’t even need to be here when I visit I can rent a nice place for $600 a month to visit in the summer, which is really doable for a whole month. In Brazil, it was $200 a night for half a three-star hotel room. This week has gone by quickly, it felt really good, I guess I do like the work of work, even though I’m so paranoid about my kids I don’t have the trust it would take in the world to leave them to work. I feel alive just knowing I am going to fight again, I don’t know why it matters, I don’t have an explanation, but I definitely feel different. Even though I haven’t trained, teaching has kept me from forgetting much, and I am in decent shape from exercising at the beginning of the year so there isn’t much to do, like a Spartan I can relax before fighting because I have trained all my life to fight and only relaxed in the times others would be preparing to fight. Which really I don’t recommend, I don’t know why I was so obsessed when I was younger, other than saying maybe it’s the only time I am at peace, and peace is a good feeling.
I feel a little sick today, but I have 9 days to get better so I think that is great, I’ve fought a tournament with a bad flu before, long before when that was okay… I don’t think I’ve ever had so much room for weight, a featherweight goes from 114 to 124 lbs and I am about 115, so 118 with the gi, so six lbs can be gained exercising and I will be okay, so I am not worried at all about that and that is a very nice feeling. I was paranoid my gi color would not be allowed, because it specifically isn’t on the rule book, so I bought another gi, same issue with my belt, but I don’t know if anyone is going to check the rules… Anyways it feels good to have the right equipment, mouth guard, gi, belt, nothing fancy, but everything meeting the strict rules in case they are enforced.
In school my daughter got through Collaborative Theatre to 92%, finished the last test before the final, there were four schools of thoughts about teaching acting, emotional copying, imagination, body posture, and something else… I have to admit I don’t really care for theatre. My son covered halves and quarters. Forgot I had an DMV appointment tomorrow, it was so far in the future when I first made it.
I’ve been catching up on laundry today, my sister’s, my dad’s, mine, the dogs, still have kid’s and my husband’s to go… Someone used my dish towel for dog pee which is “super annoying” now that the dish towels have blue stripes… Cleaned dog poop from my sister’s room, filled the lizard water, caught a second mouse. I still hate cleaning up after some else’s dog.
I have been sorting beach stuff better, put inflatables together with life vests. Put face crayons with balloons and the Happy Birthday banner, all the birthday stuff essentially. Put a lot of science stuff together, wiped the markers, separated the scout folder, art folder and put science papers in the new acrylic paper stands. Putting away stuff from the beach makes me feel good. Martial arts is mostly all together.
My husband wants to go back to California, I am not sure if I want to go with him or not. I don’t mind him, but I dislike the place so much I just don’t know yet, I want to go somewhere new rather than somewhere I know I don’t like being.
The school year is ending soon, my daughter has a science project, play production, song, and essay due but is nearly done with all the curriculum except the Agriculture final and theatre 8% and final. Then we can make a review presentation/portfolio of the year.
I am nervous about my friend’s home inspection tomorrow, I am not nervous about my tournament but it’s on my mind. So is the Science Fair and driver’s license appointment. It just feels like a lot.
Taking some book notes from Outer Order, Inner Calm:
“Feeling overwhelmed is a reason to try to maintain order, not to abandon order. Outer order contributes to inner calm.”
“Keeping too much stuff keeps us stuck in the past and cramps our ability to embrace the present.”
“The days are long but the years are short.”
“Even if we can’t create or maintain perfect order, it’s still worth trying to make things better.”
“A true home is the finest ideal of man.” – Frank Lloyd Wright
“A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labors of a spasmodic Hercules.” – Anthony Trollope
“It is far easier to keep up than to catch up.”
“At home, don’t allow (your room) to be used as a dump zone for other family members.” I don’t know how to fix that…
Friday: Last Friday I fell in love with the idea that some people come into your life as blessings and others as lessons. This week I’ve really digested that message and I agree with it so much it has become a belief already in only a week. I spent the day at the DMV, doing errands with my dad and it was okay, but I can see why I don’t want to do it more often. Super happy my friend passed the inspection today.
My week is over, I have some markers to take over to my friend’s house tomorrow. I’ll drop my dad off to the airport on the way into town. My mexican sunflowers bloomed, my lotus are growing well, things are going well in general, I sometimes worry about leaving and sometimes can’t wait to leave, but hopefully, I will be back in the summers, because I want to keep working on the garden and keep seeing the kids here. but if I don’t I will do the best I can to help the scouts from where I am ad to live my best life wherever I am.
Something new this week: My first sunflower on the farm.
Something good this week: Helped a friend.
Something unexpected: Registered to fight again.