“Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.” – Terry Goodkind ๐๏ธ
VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:
SAT Faith in myself. ๐ต SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. โก TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.
“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.“
– Andy Warhol
Last Week: A lot of decluttering but not done.
This Week: I feel lost. Midweek, I feel more hopeful because the flowers are blooming, it may be silly, but it is true.
ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS: Stuff coming up: Clean up.
Sat dad goes to airport, Wed Science Fair, Sun May 1st Tournament
Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990
GOAL JOURNAL: AIM FOR THE STARS AND FALL ON THE MOON
Phone Calls Monday (If Needed) or Clear Memory, Update the School Forms and Notes Tuesday, Update the Website for the Scouts Wednesday, Blog or Website Thursday and Check Finances Friday.
HEALTH JOURNAL:
Mental Health: I feel a little overwhelmed still, but I also feel like I am doing a good job.
Physical Health: Doing well. Felt sick Sunday night and again Monday night, kidney pain at night, but I know I am not drinking enough water.
Social Health: Good and bad, my dad is still draining, knowing he has issues, not being able to not notice, nor help. Grateful for my friends.
LIFE JOURNAL:
Saturday: Last week I went to help my friend clean and it brought me some peace and joy. This week my friends from Isreal sent an awesome fossil-finding video for the Science Fair we are hosting. I am looking forward to that. The friend we were helping clean passed inspection, which was good, but there are still pests and work to be done at her house so I hope she will continue onward to a comfortable point though it’s great she passed inspections. Friday I got my driver’s license changed from California to Hawaii, I didn’t know if it made sense, but I don’t know that often anymore. I don’t know where I will be next year, but I am here this year, so I guess it does make sense.
Sunday: Last week my dad threw a fit that my daughter didn’t take his dish right away and it just reminded me of why we are moving away from him, my daughter is six, she doesn’t need his drama and expectations that she will be his maid. I didn’t yell at him, but almost. And if I don’t yell, in my heart I turn my back on my dad’s way of living. The best revenge is being different from people you don’t respect. This week my dad is gone helping out at his childhood home, which he owns a part of now, the time apart is good for me. We released a mouse we caught in the kitchen, changed the straw of the chickens, cleaned a closet, tried to iron on scout patches to a vest (I burnt the piping), we through out trash from the garden, the kitchen, the halls, the bathrooms, the front garden, the pond area, a carload… it felt good, more than normal, less than an extreme clean. Did a lot of laundry. It felt like I was moving in slow motion. In a week I have a tournament and I haven’t been exercising nor eating well, I expected that though, I knew it would be busy with the Science Fair and cleaning up… Tuesday is the first Japanese language meet up we have been talking about having for a long time. I’m so tired today, I know I did a lot, but I think I am getting sick because I haven’t been this tired in a long time.
Monday: Last week I appreciated this journal, that when I am overwhelmed I can still see goals completed or brainstormed from days I had a clearer mind. This week I found this quote:
“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.โ
– Roberto Assagioli
I like it, it makes me feel peaceful. I have this world in my mind, the things I want to get done, cleaning up, exercising, cooking better, and I have the real world, knowing I am tired, knowing I am raising kids pretty well and they are my priority, knowing my living situation stresses me out. And I’m searching for the intersection of the two, what can I do in the real world towards living out my dream world.
Right now I am having my coffee, it is 6:16 AM, I’ve been up, I’ve started the laundry, as I did I passed a dog pee puddle in my dad’s bathroom so I put a cloth pee pad there. In a few hours maybe the dog won’t have peed on the floor in there, since my dad isn’t home he won’t use the bath towels on the pee spot… which are hard towels to get the smell out of. So my life is better in that way well he is gone. Only dog pee on the cleaning rags and dog pee pads.
I folded the household cleaning towels and hand-washed the drying towels. These simple things keep the house running well, if there are towels people clean spills if there are no towels the spills pile up and cake onto the kitchen.
In the life I want to live, there are no indoor dogs to clean up after. In that fantasy life, I am thinking about illustrating or drawing books.
I’m still waking up and still on my second coffee, but one laundry was put away already and another just finished washing. I think the morning time is a great time to start the laundry.
I’m restarting the Daniel Tiger Serries with the kids, the first show’s theme is “If something seems bad, turn it around and find something good.”
We had a good breakfast with eggs from our hens and guava and cherry jelly on waffles, we did some Agriculture review and moved on to the end of Collaborative Theatre. I vacuumed the floor and wiped down the chairs and tables, it sure needed that. I’ve been sorting keep vs trash. My daughter picked her core value of “Courage” so we got her an orange belt, in my martial art’s school we pick our colors by value.
Today I watered the patio, but I am tired… I cleaned my daughter’s school desk, the whiteboard… a bunch of little things, but now I am so tired. Going to a new meet-up tomorrow, I wonder how tiring it will be? Then the science fair I think will be fun, but I’ll be setting up the green screen for the first time… then this Friday maybe a friend coming over, then Sunday a tournament and a friend’s house, a busy week for me.
Tuesday: Last week my week I went to help clean, when I left I finally felt comfortable that it would be enough to pass inspection, which was the goal. This week is totally different, calmer. The Japanese meet-up got canceled so it was great to get a rest day.
Took it easy on the kids, did a waffle breakfast, and started school late. Still did math and theatre/computer coding, but it was a slow pace to start. The weather has been super rainy lately, it’s good for the plants and to have extra water, but even I the pluviophile, am looking forward to a few days of sun to go tidy the garden.
Trying to refresh my goals in my own mind, I am netting off the patio when the poles come because screening it seemed too hard for my limited construction skills. I want to go through the garden, make it look nicer, do repairs… but everything feels like it takes so long, and then I’m worried my dad’s next construction will be right on top of whatever I did – because it might be. The first pond I made, he ripped out and built a gazebo above it… there is so much space here, I don’t fully understand why he is like that. My greenhouse is pretty well blocked by his mill/woodwork tent… I don’t know why we target the same space around the property, but it’s more than annoying and makes me afraid to start anything. It’s half an acre, it’s mostly unoccupied and unused, but whatever I do seems to be in the way of whatever he does, and… that gets old.
Today made chicken soup, planted ginger from bulbs… did some yard work,
My kids forced me outside today, the first half sunny day in a long time. It did feel good to work, to cut down weeds, trim the grass lawn. There are koa trees, there are strawberries, there are (baby) avocado trees doing well… I usually see what isn’t done or perfect in the garden, but there are things going well as well… my native soil is really good for Mexican Sunflowers, “Tithonia diversifolia, as a fertilizer contains 1.76% N, 0.82% P, and 3.92% K. This plant does not require a large amount of nutrients because it is able to increase the amount of essential nutrients in the soil itself.” * So I guess that means my native soil kind of sucks… Owari Satsuma, Cold-Hardy Avocado (Persea americana ‘Mexicola Grande’), and Soursop (Annona muricata) are all supposed to be good to grow in my region, they all have peels so that would work against the horrible slugs we have here… I wish I was strong enough to draw up a business plan and a landscape plan and start today, but instead… I will work at it slowly… get rid of the trash start building garden beds.
Ok, looked up the avocado spacing. So I will be thinking of where to move the avocado trees, guess they don’t need special soil and the spacing can be pretty close but is usually 7-10 feet and can be 15 feet.
๐ณ Trees I want: Persea americana, Owari Satsuma, Annona muricata. Ok so emailed Plant It Hawaii that has all the plants I want and waiting to see what they say. Hoping to plant trees now, tend them this year, and then hopefully they will survive while I am gone. Feeling more optimistic about the far future, even though not the near future, somehow I will get there.
Wednesday: Last week the kids playing with large bubbles were just too cute, it was a failure to make bubbles to juggle the recipe should be water 1.5 cups, soap 0.5 cups, corn syrup 0.25 cups, and microfiber or wool gloves, we had cotton gloves and bubble mix, but not soap, also we should have straws to make the bubbles. So we will try again soon on chemistry day.
Today is the Science Fair, I want to take the chickens, the gate, the martial arts stuff, the regular beach stuff, the science fair stuff… my son’s apple tree, the green screen stuff, I think I can, if the chickens are next to the kids and the gate is in front, I think I can.
Did take the chickens, so far we have had 9 entries and I’ve been making the green screen versions with 3 left to go. A lot of the parents and kids had fun, the projects were really cool, how to make a rainbow, how to tell a safe to eat egg, how to raise chickens, how to grow an apple tree, the families of animals, the gas content in the air and it’s effect on fire, vinegar and baking soda volcano, home made wrapping paper with chromatography, and fossil finding from Isreal. We may have some late entry projects too.
The parents who liked science were really happy, it became clear who the nerds among us were, myself included. But for most the kids it was their first public speaking experience, which is interesting because it shows you a side of yourself that gets nervous that you may not have known you had.
Thursday: Last week I found peace with not wanting to live with my father. This week the kids and I are all sick, my throat hurts. Still had to go to the post office to get my gi, which is a bit large. Did my best working on the science fair videos adding titles, background music, background text, cropping, and stabilizing.
Friday: Last Friday I spent the day at the DMV, doing errands with my dad and my friend passed inspection. Sick today, my throat hurts, but I put on “I want to break free” by Queen and “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees and I feel a lot better. Last Sunday I was telling my sister disco never died it just moved around to different countries, I really think so. I think the Beatles and Disco never die.
80s Music I Want to Break Free – Staying Alive – Take On Me – Feel better already.
I had never seen the music video for “I want to break free,”I love it, it’s so Monty Python meets Daft Punks.
My sister likes theatre, I don’t, but I love music, I feel like it fills the same need though, but I just like music better. I think in the end they are both about the same thing, “life elevated” beyond just dishes, work, eating, traffic, laundry, survival, a little bit of joy, and beauty in this world of mundane chores and responsibilities. My son is begging me for math right now at 7:30 and I just want coffee and music.
My week is over, trying to get better before Sunday, don’t want to get other people sick at the tournament. The science fair was a huge success and I am really grateful, but on the other hand, I don’t like to feel like only my scout/friend group is good and stable and everything else isn’t. I get impatient with my kids not remembering the rules on a daily basis, I’m harsher with them when they lie or don’t remember than if they just admit they did something intentionally… probably too much, but while being sick being patient is almost impossible for me, I’m struggling with it.
Something new this week: We had our first science fair.
Something good this week: The kids engaged with the science fair, it wasn’t just something they “had to do” most of them had fun with it, and a lot of them relished it.
Something unexpected: My A0 gi is borderline too large after my last A0 was so small I had to get a new A1 gi… Damn you again inconsistent size labels.
Born to Be Alive 
