“There is magic in sincere forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive.“ – Terry Goodkind 🕊️

Last Week: Cleaned the bathroom, lost organization steam.

This Week: Gardening more than not at all.

HEALTH OVERVIEW:

Mental Health: So stressed, my husband is going to Florida, we are getting a house? Where? When? Moving? Together? We are pretty okay together, our health is good, our finances are okay. That’s all good, but we don’t know if we have a future living together or not yet or where. We have become displaced more or less.

Physical Health: Wanting to start exercising again. Starting to drink water, cook more, be more patient with the kids, yet I can feel myself close to the edge of getting stress hives.

Social Health: Went to a kid’s birthday party, but had a great time. All the kids went in a rocket tent all squished together, it was pretty adorable.

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LIFE JOURNAL:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.”

– Roberto Assagioli

“There is no small act of kindness. Every compassionate act makes large the world.”

–Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday: Last week we got legos. We got large blocks this week, for some reason that made me feel at peace, it made me feel like my life made sense, like things were improving, and like I was a good parent. If those things were not true before the blocks, they probably weren’t true after, but logic doesn’t matter when it comes to “feeling” good, feeling good about yourself is fragile and separate than logical analysis of productivity or ethical analysis of values. It’s it’s own complicated kingdom with it’s own court politics. This week is the last week of school for first grade.

Sunday: Last week my daughter passed agriculture and theatre meaning all our bookwork is done and only projects are left. This week I went out into the garden tidied up the front garden where I wanted to put a veggie garden and made a trail through the ginger around the hedges, the ones I put in last year are only about a foot tall, I’m going to replace them with Mexican Sunflower soon. Making that trail means I can plant the cuttings. A chameleon landed on my hat and it felt good to get some sun after a rainy spring.

Monday: Tired and sick for four weeks in a row, this week I feel great, I’m so glad whatever it was passed be it physical or emotional or existential, I feel strong again. Two weeks ago I wrote some school notes: that I wanted to focus on enthusiasm, breaking skills down, patience, more enthusiasm, and changing the system as needed to fit the student and encourage the kids to study smarter so you can learn more and contribute to your own well-being and that of others. My husband stayed home so I also gave my daughter a break. This is the last week, she has done so much work this term, 6 kindergarten and 9 first grade courses, 15 courses in less than a year.

Tuesday: Last week we lost a pet chicken, just a small loss, but in what feels like a series of endless losses it felt a bit relentless.

TECH TANGENT: Last week I said I’m a fan of tech and games, but one needs to know how to live without them too, be a citizen of both worlds, and be a creative producer as well as a consumer. I’ve been teaching computer coding and robotics, so I have been learning more Java and Python, but also movie editing, audio editing, which I love, animation via mecabricks and Blender animation as well. I am not the best in anything, but I am starting to get around a lot faster especially thanks to Youtube tutorials. There is so much free stuff at your fingertips, but if you don’t have the background it can be intimidating. Lately we are trying to produce a play my daughter wrote, “The Successful Queen” she recorded half the audio, two songs, built two character models. I am trying to rig the animation, I think I need to manually rig the dragons by building an armature skeleton to pull like puppet strings. When I was doing that I was manually creating each bone and attempting to line up the bones on a 3D plane in Blender. Later I learned to toggle edit mode instead so the bones would extrude and be aligned well automatically… But doing the wrong thing taught me a few things, how to navigate 3D space with an emulated mouse wheel I don’t have, how to change my view via pan (shift, alt, left button) and rotate (alt and left button), and not to get away from the tutorial next time… Movavi and the science fair drove me further down the rabbit hole of digital sculpting to Blender and Blender seems endless right now. Anyways it feels good to know I can still learn, it feels good to feel like maybe I could even work in tech or art or digital art “someday”.

I made healthy, home cooked food today, it was bland, but at least it was three healthy hot meals. Life feels a bit messed up, cluttered, moldy, toxic, daunting, crazy, but I guess I am starting to have some hope I can stay strong until we get a new home and then take it easy a bit, and then start building something special with my life still. I’m feeling dark and hopeful, hark? Sounds better than dopeful. Grim and optimistic, groptimistic or optigrim? Got a new robot in the mail, welcome ACD2, and learned to rig a fishing pole for veggitarian fishing next week. Going to try to make oil and water charms tomorrow. Our scout group is one thing keeping me sane right now, also educating my kids. They both give me something to look back on and be like, yeah, I did something worthwhile no matter what the haters say, they will never take our “oil and water charms”.

Wednesday: Last week missed the beach and covered tons of school, math, music theory, coding, and general chemistry. This week a big birthday party, but also jumbo blocks for engineering and oil and water charm crafts for buoyancy. My son had jungle rot on his toe, hidden from view, so he hurt, so he screamed all night long Tuesday and I didn’t sleep. I struggled to get to the beach, but when I did I reached a deep zen like relaxation born of exhaustion coupled with a beautiful place. It was a day that made me happy to be alive and I felt good about myself and my choices and my family (yes, a rare day).

Thursday: Last week was very different than a normal week, I was so off-balanced. This week my son finished Foundations of Music, I was so proud. He took the final twice, once at 68%, then again at about 80% the auto review works pretty well by showing a quick recap of the missed sections. The Acellus system allows for hypercorrection by making tests not a problem to retake, it allows for interleaving by making it okay to fail and interval study by having it possible to retake the same class a few semesters or years later and see how it feels different. I like it, it’s not an elimination of tests, but using them more like quizzes and less dramatically or punitively. I’ve seen so much academic progress this school year with both my kids, I’m grateful my daughter ended up homeschooling, even though it was stressful to transition mid year and even though it puts me at odds with some people who think public school is better… which doesn’t reflect the data well in our area… it meant my son started a lot more school, pretty much full-time school, and that put less pressure on my daughter, but both of them did a ton, advancing in manual skills, writing for my daughter, using the mouse trackpad and keyboard for my son, my daughter advanced in CAD skills, acting skills (miming) and piano skills, my son in piano and music theory, both in reading and math, just a lot really. And thanks to the scout group Wednesday both are improving in and exposed to social skills. To be honest we don’t exercise as much as we used to, but at least they both swim once a week and eating well has our weight within where it should be. I would like to live a perfect world where music practice was fun and consistent and school was even (it isn’t even because my daughter is way ahead in math and science but barely pushing normal in English) and we exercise every day and take wonderful pictures and help the community go to the moon and build a utopia, but at least we made a lot of academic progress and didn’t kill each other during the pandemic.

Wednesday really pulls my mood up, because the group makes me feel like I’m doing good things, really good things, not things that would sound fancy or look good, but things that are actually good. Like a fruit pie, or a sunny day, or clean laundry, simple, but good things that make life bearable. Resting Thursday is great, having people Friday helps me not focus on not getting along great with my dad. The days are starting to have a flow again, which I like, even though I know things are going to change any time now, it’s nice to have a flow “for now”. Our group of friends keeps getting closer and closer, from strangers to acquaintances to friends, some of us are already becoming good friends, perhaps we are desperate for any company after the pandemic isolation, or perhaps I’m able to just allow people in better than I used to? But we are starting to be a whole “community” I never knew what that was before, I thought it was a number of people who fit a stupid and arbitrary demographic data point statistically, like everyone alive in X city, or everyone above the age of 65 in Y state, but it isn’t really. It’s a cool thing when it’s not toxic.

I did my daughter’s experiment write up for chemistry, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, but she wouldn’t be able to do it and she was able to do the next steps, so I didn’t want to hold back her learning to write a science report that I remember in college a lot of people have trouble with. I will back assign it to her at the end of the class instead, I think it will make more sense then.

Friday: Last Friday we had some friends over it was cool, a little bloody due to a fight between a taffy and a dental spacer, but over all good. This week we had some other friends over, made some more bread, had chips, the kids had a lot of fun. I liked these people, other music people, other people who live in a multicultural family.

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My week is ending, being around other people has been good for me this week, it motivates me to clean up, to try new things more.

Something new this week: I experienced a sense of community of not only friends, but friends who are friends, and a group looking out for one another.

Something good this week: Seeing my son dance to the music from music class, he especially liked rock and roll, but also swing/jazz, and African Music.

Something unexpected: How much I enjoyed the oil and water craft.

🪔

“It sounds a paradox, but kindness and good intentions can be an insidious path to destruction. Sometimes doing what seems right is wrong, and can cause harm.“ – Terry Goodkind 🕊️

Looking at this quote today, it reminds me of both making kids study too much or not enough, I try to stay within the middle of the two.

Last Week: Had people over on Friday for the first time, fixed my planner image, and edited 12 Science Fair videos.

This Week: Going to put the patio back in order and try to discard more to get ready to share the office better possibly…

HEALTH OVERVIEW:

Mental Health: Now that my dad knows we are moving, I feel better. He is okay to see us summers and I am okay coming back summers so, hopefully, that gives the kids more stability as we look for a new home and move to a new state.

Physical Health: Started boxing at martial arts, it’s very fun, wanted to start working out again but didn’t pull the trigger and do it yet.

Social Health: I am having fun teaching computer coding.

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LIFE JOURNAL:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.”

– Roberto Assagioli

“There is no small act of kindness. Every compassionate act makes large the world.”

–Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday: Last week we went out to eat at a good burger place. This week we got legos, it was the first time in a long time I played with legos. 30 years later, I still like legos.

Sunday: Last week my daughter was going through her agriculture test again and cheated by just clicking 8 questions. This week she has passed agriculture and theatre.

Monday: Last week watering just the patio was kind of a struggle and it is again this week, tired since I’m still sick. This week is the third week in a row where I am tired and sick on Monday. But I’m checking in to Coach.me to help with productivity. By 8 AM I was so grumpy, I don’t like having kids that wake up early, I don’t like dog sitting my dad’s dog that isn’t house trained, I don’t like throwing away my husband’s empty beer bottles, I think I just want to live by myself, maybe someday my husband and I will get divorced and the kids can live with him?

Friday I did some cleaning, it only took 10 minutes to vacuum and mop the hall, clean the baseboards with vinegar and clean the hall walls with a rag and vinegar…

But then I started the office and it didn’t go as quickly. I guess since we do a lot of living in the office a lot gets moved around and due to lack of energy or time, not really put back in place…

As happy as I was how fast the hall went, I was sad at how slow the office has been going. The bathroom I wiped down the toilet, cleaned the diaper pail, started the laundry, wiped the mirror, wiped the sink, vacuumed and mopped pretty fast, but I didn’t declutter or demold, I had recently demolded or it would have taken a long time to do that. The livingroom and bedroom all I did was pick up major items, vacuum and mop. In the kitchen I wiped down and put away dry dishes and that was it, later that day I cleaned the oven.

It doesn’t look much different, but the chargers for the tablets got moved out, the tablets got moved to the bedroom shelves, the books got moved out to the bedroom shelves, the slime/science things were moved off the floor to the top storage, the trash was taken out and dropped off at the transfer station. A lot of little things were discarded or put back with like items. I kind of got a sense of what items I had too.

In school my son finished Kindergarten Science, he is only 3, so I was proud of him. At dinner he told his dad “yeah, doing good in science,” he has also said “having problem math” when he got to map reading. I find it so cool he has a good awareness of his own awareness at that age, it took me forever to notice that about myself, I would just go one page at a time through a book and never think about if I needed to review something else or if I understood easily or with difficultly.

After finishing Kindergarten Science he went right back to First Grade Math instead of asking for a break. Both my kids are smart, but my daughter would do the least amount of studying she could, whereas my son would do the most, just like my husband and I, one who likes studying and one who doesn’t.

My husband keeps making me mad telling the kids that if they get educated they will make more money, he makes more than my sister who has three degrees AA/BA/TC, and myself who has two AA/BA. We do fall near the chart, with my BA I have always made less than my husband who started and didn’t finish college. It makes me so angry that he tells my daughter the point of education is to earn more, she would earn more from a sex change than a BA.

There is some correlation between education and income, but it’s not the strongest factor or the strongest reason to pursue education and it continually irritates me that he doesn’t support education for education. Not to mention that I don’t support income for income, but only for life quality, so we disagree A. that education on an individual basis is the best choice towards stable income vs a solid business model and entrepreneurship or passive income, and B. we disagree again that money should be a key decider of life choices.

That chart makes me so mad because it reflects a lot of personal data, a woman with a BA will make 1.32-1.43 million in a working lifetime and a male high school graduate will make 1.53-1.54, so college won’t beat high school female to male, the less than high school jobs for females will make 0.51-0.59 while the men make 1.13-1.18 that is double. I choose to stay at home with kids, but I know a ton more working moms, I don’t know a lot of moms who stay at home, so is that enough to cause the difference?

I looked it up, and it is more than a parental difference, women choose/get jobs that are different in wage, women get part-time work more often, then there is the cost of 7% income reduction per child for women, but not men, who are parents, then there is systemic bias/injustice. * So sure staying at home by choice and having kids is a factor, but it’s not a 50% factor in most cases, there is still a lot of being offered lower-paying jobs or being the one given part-time.

I don’t like it because it isn’t fair, but I don’t care too much either because money isn’t happiness.

My friends just left the United States (16th) for Isreal (9th) I’ll ask them what they think some time, but I think actually that they are already happier there and that is why they went back.

So I’ve been reading a lot about what makes Finland the happiest place on Earth the past four years and I think it’s a few healthy habits, forest bathing, exercise, as well as not having to struggle. Education is paid for, not having a student debt would have made me happy, school children spend more time with their fathers than mothers (the only place in the world) that would have made me happy, women are in power together with men, not just the prime minister but also many others, that wouldn’t make me happy on it’s own, but I’m guessing women in power causes more benefits for women in general, the health care system is good and free, so that would have made me happy during the time I had untreated IBS because my doctors couldn’t figure it out and having free health care would have made me happy when I paid $10,000 for both my children’s deliveries. Free health care, free child care, free education, affordable housing, and a living wage. As an American, I’m only familiar with the last point, but for some reason, I’ve never been too nationalistic. I guess that comes from being Native American, the legacy of the native colonist relationship is kind of the opposite of fair treatment, good life quality, and mutual respect. So maybe happiness takes more than health care, child care, education, a home, and a wage, but having those problems solved probably frees up mental energy as well as financial resources, I guess with high taxes you pay for all those “free” things, but it’s hundreds of little bills and choices less to be in charge of, making more time for family and exercise.

Money isn’t happiness, and education isn’t earning power, but I still believe in education.

So the wage gap issue is similar in the US and Finland, but the happiness levels are not US ranking 16th and Finland 1st. So whatever lifestyle choices that push women in Finland to be happy are not directly related to more money and if we only focus on money distribution in the US, it isn’t going to be the most effective path towards well being or happiness, though for the bottom earners it’s still important to help them reach the middle.

Finland has been in the top 4 countries for good education since 2005 * and is often considered the best out of the “western” countries (excluding Hong Kong, Singapore ext). My daughter was born in 2015, so I did a lot of research about the differences between US vs Finland. One thing is the first standardized test is at 12, another no homework until 8, another is they have the same teacher for 6 years so there is a relationship there, they start preschool at 6 and regular school at 7, instead of 4 and 5, they spend 20 hours a week at school with no homework. What made me the most interested was that Italian students that didn’t speak Finnish did better with Finnish math textbooks than with Italian ones. So that got me obsessed with trying to hack the education gap, and I want to believe I have.

Even though I use a supplementary curriculum from the US, Acellus/Power Home School, it’s always been secondary to my own Charlotte Mason/Neuroscience ie John Medina’s Brain Rules, an inspired curriculum relying on outdoor education, movement, problem-solving (proven to go down each year in US public school) and recently “hypercorrection”, “spacing effects” and “interleaving.”

Watching my kids learn I really think I am able to accelerate their learning beyond what a small class or homeschool will do by going with the neuroscience says about learning vs the conventions of the educational field. This makes me happy, yet what doesn’t make me happy is when people say “study harder so you can make more money.” I prefer, “study smarter so you can learn more and contribute to your own well-being and that of others.“

Liam Thompson really inspired me by training his dog Max to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the piano. He was really enthusiastic and broke the task down and then was patient and enthusiastic, he changed his system as needed to fit the dog. No offense to kids but I find that process is the essential process to teaching kids well, enthusiasm, breaking skills down, patience, more enthusiasm, and changing the system as needed to fit the student.

Tuesday: Last week I was sick and trying to rest. This week I’m tired, my daughter finished her Agriculture Final with a 75%, that’s fine the FFA stuff is hard to remember. My son and daughter got into animation with Flipaclip on their tablets, I wanted to, but I couldn’t quite decide what to do first, so, therefore, didn’t do anything yet. Made a Mood Meter Wheel today.

The first feeling that came up on the wheel was pessimistic, I feel that way about a few things right now. Pessimistic that I’m going to be stressed out when my dad comes back this Saturday, pessimistic that the car I drive won’t last too much longer, pessimistic that the scout group won’t keep going when I am gone, pessimistic that my husband will be unpleasant during the home finding process, pessimistic that I won’t be able to make a difference to this house and garden that they will get muddy, dirty, hoarded and overgrown when I am not here. I guess it’s all okay, whatever happens, is what I will have to deal with and I will find the strength to do whatever the best I can do is. I just don’t feel like it’s going to be easy, I don’t feel like we will be settled for a long time, I can’t see the end yet.

Wednesday: Last week, late Science Fair entries and a retry of bubble juggling: the recipe water 6, soap 2, corn syrup 1, and microfiber or wool gloves, it worked this time around. Another great day at the beach sunny, the kids played with the inflatable toys, we did boxing, karate, and MMA and decided to push the karate class forward in time to 1PM (still have to update the website), the kids all made slime together at the end, which felt good because some had won prizes and some had not, so it was fun to see the ones that had not won get to have the same amount of fun. One little girl said it was the best day of her life, I don’t know if it was true, but a lot of kids look really happy and engaged and relaxed so that makes me happy, some of it is the beach site, the ocean has a lot of power, a lot of it is the other kids, being able to play, being included, some of it is the science too, science you can touch is fun science.

Thursday: Last week decluttering, wondering about life, and making it through the end of the school year. This week made a results video and added space fire to an alternative version of a Science Fair Project. I started my dad’s laundry of his bed, wasn’t happy to do it. We have a sour relationship, I’m tired of him criticizing me and he sees that as how normal people talk and interact. I try to be grateful and patient, but I just lose respect for him each time he makes my life harder by being so unpleasant or paranoid, or needy when I’m already busy. That is how I see him now, unpleasant, paranoid, and needy. When I was growing up he wasn’t supportive, but he wasn’t demanding, he wasn’t warm, but he wasn’t critical, he is becoming more unlikable the past few years. I started cleaning the bedroom, the windows, the floors, the baseboards, the sheets, the toys, the closet. I was wiping down toys when my husband came home. I said I was tired and he said “you always were slow at cleaning.” And that’s why I hate him. I love him at times and hate him at times and I never have a settled feeling of which is dominant or if apathy is dominant to both. He isn’t faster at cleaning than I am, he just doesn’t do it, he doesn’t care about all the filth I removed being removed from the kids breathing and living space. He acts superior, but he isn’t. It used to make me sad when he would put down my cleaning speed, but the room I cleaned is cleaner than his room that he cleans. He was very grumpy, the trash wasn’t taken out and his laundry wasn’t done, but when I went to do it he said leave it, then he wanted to do it later and I was washing my dad’s blankets. That’s what you get for being stupid about things. I see some people I know in hostile marriages, mine isn’t that bad, mine is unromantic and up and down, but it’s not usually hostile. I’d rather go back to work and live alone than live like that, I’ve given enough in my marriage if it doesn’t work I won’t feel guilty, I’m just kind of not thinking that much about it until the kids are bigger, because they love him. Even though my daughter is starting to be sick of her dad picking on her, over stupid stuff, like he kept telling her she wouldn’t win the science fair over and over, which was stupid. But I tend to stay out of their relationship, I don’t want to feel like I’m splitting up kids, which I don’t tend to do often. I know I am less patient than I was before the pandemic, maybe my dad and husband are also worn down, but it doesn’t mean that they are easy to live with, I feel like they are both weights pulling me down and the kids are bigger weights pulling me down, but I’d rather help the kids, I’d rather if the adults swam themselves and if they don’t, I can’t respect them.

Friday: Last Friday we had some friends over for the first time, it was fun, we started a Krita Digital Illustration Class, talked about math and algebra, played with cars and blocks, and made bread together. This week I’ve got stuff to clean, but not as bad as last week. We are going to try math and computer coding summer camp.

My week is ending, and though I am frustrated I feel like I did a lot of good things, cleaned up somewhat, organized somewhat, my daughter finished Agriculture, leaving Coding and Theatre left. I helped my sister decide on where to put a home office it’s a small office, but it looks a lot better than the last one, which was in a loud area of the house and too high, this one is cozier and out of the main foot traffic of the house. The little chickens moved out this week to the play house.

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Something new this week: We started Summer School Coding Camp.

Something good this week: My daughter finished Agriculture, it was a hard class, but I know she learned a lot about many things, animals, disease, reproduction, the food chain, how many products come from animals, tools, and even arc welding. I’m proud of her.

Something unexpected: The whole table of kids making slime.

🖥️

“People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it’s true, or because they are afraid it might be true.“ – Terry Goodkind 🕊️

Looking at this quote today, it reminds me of myself, wanting to merge my family of birth and family of marriage, was in my case a bit stupid, but I wanted it to be true. Perhaps it was worth it to try.

Last Week: Fought a tournament, the chickens moved outside, the first Science Fair week, my sister was promoted, worked on the patio, but the net got knocked down.

This Week: Tidied up these posts by using one picture to hold the values, weekly planner, reminders, goals and motivational artwork and quotes all together. Going to put the patio back in order and try to discard more to get ready to share the office better possibly…

HEALTH OVERVIEW:

Mental Health: I feel overwhelmed, but I see good things happening around me, so perhaps doing daily check ins on Coach.me will help me feel settled.

Physical Health: Fighting some mild illness with a runny nose.

Social Health: Enjoying my scout group, enjoying my pen-pals, thinking of old friends a lot lately, appreciating my family more.

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LIFE JOURNAL:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.”

– Roberto Assagioli

Saturday: Last week I found the “Things to Be Happy About website” again, which motivated me to draw my own planner in that style I like so much (something I put off for a long time). This week the family was pretty sick, I don’t remember much about what we did, I was trying to save energy for the BJJ tournament coming up Sunday.

Sunday: Last week we spent 8 hours at the stadium for a tournament with four kids from our scout group and myself. The wait was grueling, it’s a hot city and I live in a cold city. It felt good to see the kids fight and good to fight myself, but 8 hours is a long time in a stadium with two little kids, and not expecting how long it would take to bring provisions of food or activities made it feel endless. When it was done I was grateful that I have a family now, the last time I fought a tournament I was a bit higher on the tournament rankings, but I had nothing to go home to but an empty bed.

Monday: Last week watering just the patio was kind of a struggle and it is again this week, tired since I’m still sick.

Tuesday: Last week was calm, the Japanese meet-up got canceled so it was great to get a rest day to refresh my goals in my own mind. My kids forced me outside and I had a good time, this week I worked on three science project videos, it’s been a lot of video editing lately but it helps that I found a fix to the crashes due to an acceleration setting check box, I thought it was my computer not being fast enough or having enough processing power, but it wasn’t that at all. Last week I was very hopeful about gardening and farming, this week I am sick and just want to get better without a lot to maintain, it’s hard to build a life somewhere between the two extremes of not wanting extra work when I’m tired and wanting to do all I possibly can when I’m well.

Wednesday: Last week was the science fair, and it was awesome, this week is late entries and a retry of bubble juggling: the recipe should be water 1.5 cups, soap 0.5 cups, corn syrup 0.25 cups, and microfiber or wool gloves, it worked this time around.

We did the second day of late entry science fair presentations and got three more presentations magnetism, volcano, and animation, so the pressure is on to finish those presentations to post them for voting.

Thursday: Last week I went to the post office to get my new gi, now the gi is used, it was bloodied, cleaned. washed, hung up, and forgotten, in a week an item goes from used to essentially clutter.

Friday: Last Friday I saw the music video for “I want to break free” for the first time, I have that feeling sometimes that I want to find a better life. This week I had some friends over for the first time, it was fun, we started a Krita Digital Illustration Class, talked about math and algebra, played with cars and blocks, and made bread together.

My week is over, though I was still sick it felt like a good week where a lot got done towards a better life. I helped my sister decide on where to put a home office, I enjoyed the company of friends twice, I cleaned our house a lot for a few hours before they came.

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Something new this week: My sister’s promotion feels pretty significant, even though it is her job and not mine, it means I may see her at home more and that she may be doing better in the future which is good in and of itself, but also for me and the kids since she helps us a lot. It feels like a win for all of us.

Something good this week: Finished the science videos, I enjoyed doing it, but also want to move on for awhile and make sure we finish the academic year strong.

Something unexpected: Lost at the tournament, it didn’t feel bad, but I guess I expected to win more than lose, always room to be more humble I guess.

🧮

A Month of Emotions

Looking at this month in review I can see it was a month of emotional transition and change, I went from someone who wanted to caretake for my parent in the future and for my family, to only the latter. I didn’t abandon my dream of farming, but it took a back seat to tidying up my accounts and the interior of the house first.

The first week was recovery from a camping trip/and our friends leaving the state/country. I felt drained, hopeful, inspired, upbeat, motivated, hopeful, and thoughtful. With people leaving I thought about where I should be, and if I should be leaving too. It was a nice week where I was able to do a lot, yet all week I was wondering what the right thing for me is and where the right place for me is.

The second week was an emotional realization I don’t want to live with my dad, and as hard as it will be to move out of state from the island where we are, it’s our next right step. That took a lot of time to process. I felt discouraged that I don’t have a home base set up for myself and my kids yet, at the age of 36, but also angry that my dad didn’t want to have a family where adults talked about solutions together. Then I felt very serene that maybe life was meant to be the way it was, for some reason I didn’t understand (I don’t usually feel that way), I felt content that I had given my dad another try at a relationship and done my half to make it work, I felt super inspired by a beautiful sandcastle at the beach, I took it as a metaphor for human things being able to be more than mundane and construction in general as a metaphor for life improvement as being possible. It was something I didn’t expect somewhere I always go, it was really special in a moment I needed a small joy. I ended the week really excited to have a science fair with our kids’ group, something that I never considered before, but that I now saw as possible. At the end of the week I was able to be comfy/comfortable with the unknown (I don’t usually feel that way).

The third week I felt motivated to clean what I have, and help my friends the best I can while I am still on the island, I felt joyful to be free from responsibilities in my heart, I was enthusiastic about some things getting better, I felt fulfilled within myself that I am comfortable with who I am, even if other people aren’t, or if I have a long road ahead of me to success. I felt totally at peace and peaceful Wednesday, which is a rare and good feeling. I felt motivated and content at the end of the week.

The fourth week I felt motivated to clean, joyful to be free, balanced for the first time in a long time, motivated again, inspired, focused, but disappointed that where I am, feels so far from where I want to be setting up my own home.

The fifth week I was inspired by a science project sent in from my friends in Isreal, I was energized to clean up, motivated to clean up, then drained by all the cleaning, I was positively surprised by the high participation and enthusiasm in the science fair (9 entries so far), then I was exhausted with sickness, and ended the month festive listening to disco and happy to be alive and be still improving the best I can.

Today is April 30th, the state is pretty well transitioned over to regular events and things, tomorrow I fight my first tournament since having kids, the first in about 7 years… for me it’s a good way to kick off life returning to normal. I’ve been a little ill the past few days, I took a covid test and it was negative, so I will still do my best not to spread my germs around but I am going to fight tomorrow, I wonder what it will be like? Boring, exciting, tiring, fun… I don’t know what to expect.

Meta Emotion: Looking back at the fourth month I was more settled as a person, not as a resident or a home owner, but settled into who I am and gathering strength to face the unknown of a new move and hopefully our first home of our own early next year…

There is a sense of renewal not as a new person, but as coming back to the beginning of a cycle. I’ve spent a lot of time not enjoying living with my family, cleaning up messes, and steeling myself to fight, this time around I have kids instead of being a kid, this time I have my husband, this time I am a teacher and not a student, but there is a sense I am beginning something I’ve done before, a familiarity of life that is tied to the pandemic ending, but that is also the last of my life as a child and the start of my life as a teacher, a martial arts instructor and perhaps “a real adult”.

Physical Health: Didn’t work out and was sick a bit, but somehow feeling strong. Maybe teaching is enough?

Social Health: Found peace with my friends moving not 100%, but a lot. I’m grateful for the friends I’ve had, the ones yet to come, the ones far, and the ones here with me, they live in my heart.

Mental Health: Is great my dad is on vacation, we are oil and water and the break is a huge opportunity to declutter, find peace, enjoy life, and mentally prepare for him to return.

Something New: Our Adventure Scouts did our first Science Fair, it alone was awesome, I’m still working on the videos and will be working on the late entries, but I was very happy to be a part of it, I actually felt blessed and usually do when I’m with those people and those kids.

What helped: Not fearing hard work in the future, the pandemic being over so that we can take an airplane to check out a new state, having money to be middle class comfortable, it sounds horrible to say, but it’s great not worrying about items that cost less than $10, not searching sofas for pennies to get new markers for the kids, not feeling like we somehow don’t deserve the things we want, because we can’t afford them. I grew up pretty middle class, but we always felt poor, now raising my kids we are the opposite, boarder line poor/middle class, but feeling like we can have most of the things we want just because we enjoy them.



BIG GOAL: Keep organizing my stuff to move, keep fixing the storm damage here. (Started)

Physical Goal: Get well then exercise again. (In Progress)

Social: Keep up the Scout Group. (Going Very Well)

Mental: Fix the pond leak sometime this month, which means finding it, I have a lot of liner, I have waterfall foam, now it’s just move everything out, check everything out and go. (Didn’t)

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