A Month of Emotions
Looking at this month in review I can see it was a month of emotional transition and change, I went from someone who wanted to caretake for my parent in the future and for my family, to only the latter. I didn’t abandon my dream of farming, but it took a back seat to tidying up my accounts and the interior of the house first.
The first week was recovery from a camping trip/and our friends leaving the state/country. I felt drained, hopeful, inspired, upbeat, motivated, hopeful, and thoughtful. With people leaving I thought about where I should be, and if I should be leaving too. It was a nice week where I was able to do a lot, yet all week I was wondering what the right thing for me is and where the right place for me is.
The second week was an emotional realization I don’t want to live with my dad, and as hard as it will be to move out of state from the island where we are, it’s our next right step. That took a lot of time to process. I felt discouraged that I don’t have a home base set up for myself and my kids yet, at the age of 36, but also angry that my dad didn’t want to have a family where adults talked about solutions together. Then I felt very serene that maybe life was meant to be the way it was, for some reason I didn’t understand (I don’t usually feel that way), I felt content that I had given my dad another try at a relationship and done my half to make it work, I felt super inspired by a beautiful sandcastle at the beach, I took it as a metaphor for human things being able to be more than mundane and construction in general as a metaphor for life improvement as being possible. It was something I didn’t expect somewhere I always go, it was really special in a moment I needed a small joy. I ended the week really excited to have a science fair with our kids’ group, something that I never considered before, but that I now saw as possible. At the end of the week I was able to be comfy/comfortable with the unknown (I don’t usually feel that way).
The third week I felt motivated to clean what I have, and help my friends the best I can while I am still on the island, I felt joyful to be free from responsibilities in my heart, I was enthusiastic about some things getting better, I felt fulfilled within myself that I am comfortable with who I am, even if other people aren’t, or if I have a long road ahead of me to success. I felt totally at peace and peaceful Wednesday, which is a rare and good feeling. I felt motivated and content at the end of the week.
The fourth week I felt motivated to clean, joyful to be free, balanced for the first time in a long time, motivated again, inspired, focused, but disappointed that where I am, feels so far from where I want to be setting up my own home.
The fifth week I was inspired by a science project sent in from my friends in Isreal, I was energized to clean up, motivated to clean up, then drained by all the cleaning, I was positively surprised by the high participation and enthusiasm in the science fair (9 entries so far), then I was exhausted with sickness, and ended the month festive listening to disco and happy to be alive and be still improving the best I can.
Today is April 30th, the state is pretty well transitioned over to regular events and things, tomorrow I fight my first tournament since having kids, the first in about 7 years… for me it’s a good way to kick off life returning to normal. I’ve been a little ill the past few days, I took a covid test and it was negative, so I will still do my best not to spread my germs around but I am going to fight tomorrow, I wonder what it will be like? Boring, exciting, tiring, fun… I don’t know what to expect.
Meta Emotion: Looking back at the fourth month I was more settled as a person, not as a resident or a home owner, but settled into who I am and gathering strength to face the unknown of a new move and hopefully our first home of our own early next year…
There is a sense of renewal not as a new person, but as coming back to the beginning of a cycle. I’ve spent a lot of time not enjoying living with my family, cleaning up messes, and steeling myself to fight, this time around I have kids instead of being a kid, this time I have my husband, this time I am a teacher and not a student, but there is a sense I am beginning something I’ve done before, a familiarity of life that is tied to the pandemic ending, but that is also the last of my life as a child and the start of my life as a teacher, a martial arts instructor and perhaps “a real adult”.
Physical Health: Didn’t work out and was sick a bit, but somehow feeling strong. Maybe teaching is enough?
Social Health: Found peace with my friends moving not 100%, but a lot. I’m grateful for the friends I’ve had, the ones yet to come, the ones far, and the ones here with me, they live in my heart.
Mental Health: Is great my dad is on vacation, we are oil and water and the break is a huge opportunity to declutter, find peace, enjoy life, and mentally prepare for him to return.
Something New: Our Adventure Scouts did our first Science Fair, it alone was awesome, I’m still working on the videos and will be working on the late entries, but I was very happy to be a part of it, I actually felt blessed and usually do when I’m with those people and those kids.
What helped: Not fearing hard work in the future, the pandemic being over so that we can take an airplane to check out a new state, having money to be middle class comfortable, it sounds horrible to say, but it’s great not worrying about items that cost less than $10, not searching sofas for pennies to get new markers for the kids, not feeling like we somehow don’t deserve the things we want, because we can’t afford them. I grew up pretty middle class, but we always felt poor, now raising my kids we are the opposite, boarder line poor/middle class, but feeling like we can have most of the things we want just because we enjoy them.
BIG GOAL: Keep organizing my stuff to move, keep fixing the storm damage here. (Started)
Physical Goal: Get well then exercise again. (In Progress)
Social: Keep up the Scout Group. (Going Very Well)
Mental: Fix the pond leak sometime this month, which means finding it, I have a lot of liner, I have waterfall foam, now it’s just move everything out, check everything out and go. (Didn’t)