“Passion rules reason, for better or for worse.” – Terry Goodkind 🕊️
Last Week: Self-doubts.
This Week: Hit a mental low.
Mental Health: I was worried about our art director because she had to move all of a sudden, now she is moved, it’s just a bit better, but I still feel unsettled.
Physical Health: Want to pull the trigger on exercising more, and getting more energy each day, the kids are getting a bit more independent also, so maybe I should just start with 5 minutes.
Social Health: My Fridays switched from my house to downtown, so maybe we can drive in with my sister, and then pick her up, and then have her drop us off, then have my husband pick us up.
“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.”– Roberto Assagioli
“There is no small act of kindness. Every compassionate act makes large the world.”
–Mary Anne Radmacher
Saturday: Last week the cave trip was really cool. This week we went on a road trip and watched the kids play. It reminds me of better times, when we used to take the kids out every weekend and often go to RIE class, when we used to go on hikes. The pandemic really seemed like a war in the end, shortages, trauma, drama, sadness, the times before really seemed better in retrospect than the pandemic and the time now seems to be a hard climb back to ground level. Is that just in my head?
Sunday: Last week noticing my kids are bigger and older, noticing how they have grown. Helped clean up a friend’s closet, which I said I would, so that feels good, I like to be the person I say I am. I just have to be careful what I say I am.
Monday: Last week tired, hopeful, and trying to be responsible. This week we took my dad to eat for father’s day, which didn’t feel authentic at all. I was so itchy in my eyes, it felt like they were covered with glue and poison ivy. I’m becoming very resentful about how much pet grit we live in on a daily basis.
Tuesday: Last week my son hit a hard spot in math. Six weeks ago I wrote some school notes: that I wanted to focus on enthusiasm, breaking skills down, patience, more enthusiasm, and changing the system as needed to fit the student and encourage the kids to study smarter so you can learn more and contribute to your own well-being and that of others. This week my son did a ton of math to earn his monster truck, it was cool, seeing him fight through the class and review, a few m&ms helped, and then muffins, then he made it through the 20-question review and 40-question final, there were two points that he is still working on counting money and double-digit addition and subtraction, but I know they are covered in the next course, so no reason to review the other 90% of the class he already did master. Using animal counters on a 100-number square helped him add under-stress things he usually could do with no counters. I’ve seen my daughter use a number line under stress for things she does mentally with no stress. The kids were crazy and needy, I don’t know exactly why, but I’m at my limit with my eyes and skin itching. I cleaned up my room and usually, that helps, but it didn’t help as much as I wanted.
Wednesday: Last week we took big blocks and the big blocks were so fun, I don’t know how long they will be fun for, but they were fun again today and that was nice, a friend took them home I am so grateful for that. Today I had a mental breakdown about being sad my family chose to have pets even though I have always had pet allergies, the way they don’t prioritize my health, I don’t want to be bitter, but I can’t find a way to stop. I don’t think at this point I will ever forgive them and if I can I will find a way to get even someday for them constantly disregarding my well-being if it didn’t match what they preferred. Saying I will find a way to get even makes me feel better. I purchased an $80 and $150 air filter, but I couldn’t go on any longer without them, I really couldn’t, buying an emergency apartment would have been much more expensive than that. I had fun with my friends, at the end of the night the car wouldn’t start, it wanted to turn over, luckily there just happened to be someone there who knew about cars, they disconnected the battery and that helped, the car started right up after that.
Thursday: Last week I went to help a friend who had moved. This week really sleepy, did math with my daughter, did phoincs with my son. I am hunting for orange pool noodles and bought a small boat. My house smells because my dad keeps his room nasty/gross/disgusting I don’t like cleaning around his random new and old boxes all over the floor, but it’s time to figure out if I am moving out soon or cleaning up somewhat because it’s hit an unlivable point. I don’t really know what is wrong with my dad, but it’s becoming clear that something is.
Friday: Last week I went over to them again to help friends clean, this week I cleaned my own living room. Camping is coming up soon, I’m excited, ordered some skateboards, pop up tents, pop up “scout cabin,” an axe and a flint rock, if nothing else the day was epic for that combination of items. The living room was pretty gross, but it feels a lot better now. I do have a corner of it and the windows left, but even the portion I did took over an hour. The kids are getting a bit more independent with their school work, so it gives me a bit more time to handle cleaning and laundry, though deciding what goes where and keeping up with it are both pretty hard for me still.
The week ended cleaning up my own home and dreaming about the future, it feels good over all.
Something new this week: Moved the living room sofa, I think it feels better.
Something good this week: Bought skateboards, I used to love skateboarding, and I can’t wait to start that again.
Something unexpected: I didn’t know there was a skatepark in Hilo, so I am looking forward to going there. I also helped rescue a lost dog, even though it was easy, I still felt pretty cool.