A Month of Emotions

Looking at this month in review I can see a few turn arounds, my husband figured out that we are leaving the state in September, which is a bit sad, but feels better than not knowing. Also we talked about a budget so now I have something to shoot for, $85 for educational extras. I will try.

The first week I picked up my husband at the far airport. I felt drained, hopeful, content (sentimental), satisfied (impressed), inspired, happy, and motivated. Started the month lost and melancholy, my husband and I did a lot of talking throughout the month, not at any one time so much, and we decided we should leave the state, since he isn’t saving and he isn’t happy. My kids still did well in school overall, kind of at a slower pace since it is summer. We did a vegetarian fishing event that was super cool, to me at least. I saw a really pretty sunset, we did computer coding with some of the other scouts, which was a bit scary at first.

The second week was a cave trip, I was scared to forget something, that maybe someone would get hurt or lost, or that the kids would be bored, all those things did happen probably, but overall it was still great. I felt inspired from the beautiful sparkles of gold, silver, and rose on the roof of the cave and the patch of jungle where the sun entered the cave after hundreds of feet of darkness. My daughter’s chameleon she had for about a year died and for some reason it was a painful loss, it made me feel like life was pretty frail and cheap and temporary, I was pretty disheartened that time was erasing good things from life seemingly faster then they were coming into our lives, I felt downhearted, but that isn’t a term on the mood meter’s list. I felt relieved when we paid my husband’s speeding ticket but that isn’t on the mood meter list so I’ll call it at ease even though I feel more like a fake adult than a real adult when I’m taking care of those kind of adult chores. I was uneasy with the disorder of my own things knowing I’m facing a move it doesn’t make me feel good that my own things are out of order and I’ve been working on it, but progress feels like it crawls forward a centimeter at a time, I was at the same time satisfied with the amount my kids are learning and growing, it’s nice to see them confident in their reading and math in a way they can use it with their life skills, so in a way, I’m satisfied with them and dissatisfied with myself. Sometimes I feel hopeless and calm at the beach, like I enjoy that I am there and seeing the kids play, but I feel hopeless because I don’t have any control of where I live right now, I know some people do and I know I some times do, but I know right now it’s pretty far out of my hands, if I am sad or mad at myself for having that happen, either way it still is the as is situation and feeling like I will live where my husband lets me know we are going to be able to live, it’s a horrible feeling and I really hate it. So much that I wish sometimes I wasn’t married, sometimes I would rather be forced by economic limits to live in certain places, rather then being at the whim of another person who has different priorities and preferences and for sure will be deciding based on their priorities and preferences, where I live and where my children live during the most important times of their lives. It feels hopeless to be helpless, but I still try to appreciate the good things so there is a fair layer of optimism on top of a thick layer of depression. I felt really happy helping a friend clean their house, I just wished I felt that happy cleaning my own house. I felt grateful to read about the first Chemical Element with a friend’s child, grateful to know, grateful to share, grateful to be there for that moment of begining.

The third week I felt nostalgic for the past and troubled about the present, watching the kids play at a play ground it felt like life used to be a lot easier, I don’t know if it really was. I felt satisfied with myself for finishing a project with a friend I said I would help finish, it felt really good to be reliable. I was getting angry that my home was so dirty while helping other people clean their homes, not that I never cleaned my own home, but one out of four adults cleaning and three adults not cleaning doesn’t really make it sustainable to succeed at having a nice home to live in over time. It just doesn’t, not for us. I was still angry, but even more tense because the house was getting toxic for my allergies, the kids were on my nerves to the extreme extent that they get on my nerves, with my son being needy and my daughter hyper I hate it even more than two clinging kids or two hyper kids, it feels like the worst of all kids existing with me every second and I HATE IT. Bad kids and a messy house together, make life almost intolerable. The next day I was crying and hopeless, I felt betrayed and belittled and mistreated and I wanted to leave and never come back, but I knew that I couldn’t yet, that it would be a slow process and there was no “escape”, I felt all the pain of everything I hated from the family I grew up with together with the pain of everything I hate from my own family and it was too much for me to bear without breaking, so I broke down. I was getting panicked because my asthma was really flaring up badly and I knew that if I left the house too dirty I probably wouldn’t be coming back and some painful conversations would follow as well as stress from moving in a rush. I was motivated to clean, to see if I could even make a difference, I got a lot done, I ended the week hopeful that somehow things would work out.

The fourth week, I felt disgusted that my family feels okay with so much filth and if confronted just complains about the next person’s failing without owning or fixing the first issue raised, the next day I felt inspired my friend was keeping on organizing her house that we worked on together, it wasn’t perfect, but she was still trying, it was inspiring. The next day I was frustrated because we had students over trying the robot coding class and it was glitchy and I didn’t know how to fix it, it really bothered me that they couldn’t see their work run as the other kids had gotten to do. The next day I was motivated to teach school and do chemistry, life isn’t perfect, but my kids are learning a lot and that is cool to me. I felt exhilarated skating at an awesome skatepark for the first time in my life. The next day we set up the air filters and I could breathe I was grateful for that, I am resentful that I have to be grateful just to breathe, but at the same time I am really grateful too, so there is my imperfect and complex personality bitter and cheerful both. I was really happy to be out of the house teaching math and having fun with friends on Friday, it inspired me to see kids using the white board, it motivated me that they were so into the chemical elements, I felt grateful and blessed and satisfied, it was definitely a great day for me.

Today is July 4th, I didn’t know last month that this month I would be getting ready to move away, but I did suspect that I may be. It feels good to know one way or the other, not knowing was killing me slowly.

Meta Emotion: Looking back at the fifth month I was so angry about living in a dirty house and it’s good we are leaving even if it is bitter-sweet.

There is a sense of a lot of work and sadness ahead, but also a little bit of adventure at seeing what lies outside of right here and hope to make a better life soon or at least semi-soon.

Physical Health: No agenda, things are so unsettled, I’m not expecting myself to do any new routines yet.

Social Health: Love my friends, grateful they make life easier.

Mental Health: Living with my family, it hasn’t been helpful overall, sure aspects were helpful, but other aspects were so not helpful the net effect was worse, I can see that looking back on long periods and I hope this is the last time we live together so I don’t have to A Live my life and B Explain and justify and coordinate what is going on…

Something New: Our Adventure Scouts did our first cave event, I can’t always do big events, but I am happy to have some cool ones under our belt.

What helped: Having little moments of joy when I could like at the skatepark for the first time.

🛹