Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.– Martin Luther King, Jr.
CLOTHES: Going a little better putting them away again like a normal person.
BOOKS: They aren’t very accessible where they are I should move them.
PAPERS: Haven’t gone through them in a long time, been putting it off.
TIME: I had a more formal school start and I think it was helpful, but having trouble going back to it. Song-Bus/Song Time/School Roll/Calendar/Writing/Letter of the Day/Feelings Pond, story time somewhere…
MEMENTOS: Haven’t gone through them much, what I do find I don’t get rid of, even though it won’t keep in this climate.
MISC: This is the worst area right now.
Saturday/Creative Day: Last week cleaning so much. This week felt panicky in the morning, built a gazebo, went to break dancing an hour after I planned to (but it worked out), came back, went out again to eat burgers with friends at night (something I don’t usually do). My sister picked up my dad at the airport. Less cleaning, but just as crazy as the week before. I really like break dancing, it is something that I like as exercise, it is something I find fun, it is something I like watching my kids learn and enjoy. Breakdancing is American, but it infiltrated Japanese culture in a sense as did disco and then both have a certain Japanese variety that I really enjoy. There was a music style called Tsubaru that really went well with breakdancing. Perhaps as a racial hybrid, I relate to and enjoy hybrid art or concepts, or maybe I would have anyways. I like that we are doing it, even though it’s a bit physically hard and hard to start a new habit, the teacher is really awesome though.
Sunday/Faith Day: Last week trying to fix broken plumbing that needed to be replaced. So it didn’t work, but we did order new parts so that maybe it will work later. My dad brought up a reasonable point, but it is so round about way he discusses things, and the way his conclusions are fear themed instead of logical. I miss living without my parents, but I moved out of state so came back to try to find a new house and ended up cohabitating. I could idolize my dad for all the hard work he did raising me and all the things he helped me with, if only I didn’t have to talk to him any more, each time we talk it’s like a cheese grader of his view point grinding down on my arm, and I’m pretty sure it’s also difficult for him to know that his kids don’t agree with his view points or value his values. It makes me lonely talking to him because I feel like we are two different species. We speak English together, but when we do it feels like neither one of us really speaks English well, and whatever else we speak isn’t the same. My sister and I baited for cockroaches and ants, which was good, it’s good to stay ahead of things when possible, because we never get true cold the bugs here are pretty tenacious.
Monday/Unity Day: Last year I wrote “I don’t like the family tension but I can refuse to feed into it more than what it is on it’s own.” I’m still doing my best with that, since becoming a mom I’m much more sensitive to the bad moods of others, I wish I could tap into my natural well being that I used to have so easily. Last week I was really sick, I was struggling with mold and clutter and depression and overwhelm. This week I’m half or more than half better, still a stuffy nose and fevers, but less brain fog and aches. I got rid of most the mold, still need to go through some shelf bottoms and spray on some clove or tea tree oil… I haven’t really organized what I do have since I spent my time and energy de-molding. Therefore my items are cluttered and some normal cleaning is due (bathroom/fridge ext). For the depression a positive energy tea that has orange and yerba matte actually worked, which I wouldn’t have believed. Being overwhelmed I’m still struggling with… We all had 100° fevers today, I wonder if it was from being in the sun too much Saturday. Teaching great writers like Martin Luther King and great leaders like Nelson Mandela makes me happy to be home schooling. There are some good things about public school, the infrastructure, organization and social opportunities? But home schooling is the king of “content control” if I want Wordsworth instead of Emerson I can have that change done today, if I want to ban books or allow banned books, I can change that today. I can add calligraphy or take away cursive today. Public school can’t change at a high speed, they can change, but it’s harder to implement changes at a fast pace.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.– WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY
So I’m happy this year my daughter learned about Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King Jr for Martin Luther King Day. We watched Selma (it wasn’t as violent as Harriot Tubman’s movie, which was crazy violent…). We reviewed Ghandi and Lincoln a little, I like teaching about these difficult but true topics to supplement Social Studies. My kids were really engaged in learning about Martin Luther King Jr and Nelson Mandela, I wanted them to know it’s not about black and white, but justice and injustice, there has been white on white violence in Ireland/England and black on black in Rwanda, so eventually as Martin Luther King Jrs group of support integrated and Nelson Mandela’s group integrated it gave the conclusion that I was hoping for my kids to understand. Though I never wanted to get in trouble for saying so, what I didn’t like about the Black Lives Matter mantra was I felt it was a backstep verbally to what Martin Luther King Jr had already said and done. I think civil rights for minorities, especially blacks is not a complete process, I don’t know if it will ever end for women, I feel like people support the LBGTQ community mostly only on paper and in the media but not always on the actually streets which would make me feel unsafe if my kids wanted to go walking about in the wrong states in the wrong clothes still… Each of the different groups seeking civil rights has chosen different avenues for legitimacy, I think the LBGTQ community was right and successful to pursue legal changes first and worry about public opinion later, but what stands out to me the most is how society seeks someone to hate and stigmatize unnecessarily and when pressure moves onto one group, it is off another. I don’t know how to feel about it, but being Japanese and knowing we were imprisoned with no real legal basis and knowing we were in that spot unjustly, it definitely gives me some compassion for all the other groups who have shared that space of being arbitrary hated rather than punished for a real offense. There has always been a huge gap between the rhetoric and reality of America, America saying they fight oppression in Germany while causing it to Japanese citizens at home, saying they need to free the Vietnamese during the Vietnam war but not protecting their own peaceful marchers following the constitutional process and laws correctly, there is pointing fingers at Muslim countries over treatment of women, while at the same time harboring mistreatment of women… Sometimes it’s hard to understand why the rhetoric matters at all when it’s so far from the truth. But it does matter, because some people believe it, because some people aspire to it, and although we don’t reach our own bar often it creates a psychological identity, mistaken though it often is. So when civil rights changed from “we” shall overcome to “black” lives matter, I saw it as a step back towards disunity, but not caused necessarily by that movement, just reflective of the true disunity that obviously exists in the US where there are no “civil rights” groups but rather “special interest” groups. Perhaps with no one who believes in civil rights, no civil rights leaders exist, or perhaps with no leaders no one believes, but it’s definitely a feeling that each group looks out for only their own in a political sense and that is a weaker position for real change.
Tuesday/Self-Determination: Last week we were all well, this week we are sick with the Coronavirus. I didn’t know it was that until we tested later in the week. My daughter had a fever so I mostly watched her not realizing I was sick too. I felt so tired, I showed a lot of Viking history for school, and the kids did less school work then ever, usually we cover English when they are sick.
Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last week we forgot my car seats in my sister’s car and we didn’t go to the beach, this week we stayed home sick, too sick to work on paperwork either. My daughter had a high fever I was looking up what doctor to take her to if it didn’t break in the next few days, there isn’t a lot to choose from where I live.
Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Last week cleaned up the garden, this week very sick. My daughter is much better, but my son and I are worse. Thick mucus in our lungs that does thin with mullein tea, it’s hard to breathe at times, but also feels okay at times so I’m trying to hold back from overworking when I do feel okay so my energy can go towards getting better.
Friday/Creativity Day: Last week my daughter got over being fussy about spelling, which was a big deal because it wasted a lot of our time and I didn’t know when she would turn that corner. This week I’m too sick to be my normal self or worry about what my best self would look like or think about me.
Last Year to This Year
Last Year: Our favorite dog died, I struggled with family tension, I was struggling with dog waste of indoor dogs poorly housebroken, clutter and to clean the house with little help and a lot of messy people.
This Year: It took a whole year to get used to the dog being gone, she was a special dog, not just a normal one. When I decide to take my own stance on homeschooling, religious choice, gender roles, anything I don’t take into account how much family tension it will cost me to live my truth, and that’s good because if I did understand how much tension and resentment would cost me I don’t know if I could live the way that is best for me. I realize that although I’m living with family now in my ideal future I vastly prefer my own home, so I’m not sure yet where or when, but I do know I would rather just live without my values and choices being questioned all the time, by people who have their own opinions and different values, neither them or I care to be remolded by the other, it is simply a waste of energy I wouldn’t make if I had other options and hope not to make in the future. Sometimes you have friends who are as much family as anyone could ever be, but sometimes you have family who will always feel as unlike family as could be possible. It feels like being a refugee, it’s better then not having anywhere to be, but it isn’t the same as independence, it’s hard to describe that you are one on hand grateful, but at the same time your soul is stifled by living with others without harmony between your values, like living in a duplex with slave owners on the other side, they don’t have to bother you to bother you, the very idea their life style exists bothers you and to live close to it makes it harder to focus on your own life and choices. Sometimes I have hoped for things that I wasn’t sure I wanted, because they were easier than the alternative, I don’t know if it was because I was afraid of a harder truth or because it simply takes exploration to find the truth?
Live – Lift – Love
Live – I am surprised we put up the gazebo, it can use more leveling ext, but the frame is up, the basil is growing well, things are moving along even though we were sick, the few days we were well we moved forward towards the future garden I see in my mind.
Lift – I was lifted by watching Ruby in the movie Invictus, it reminded me of playing during college and it was a fun time watching it with my son and daughter.
Love – I love my children, having a discipline system in place (1-2-3 magic) has allowed me to get rid of our power struggles and I can see how my kids are both different (my son is sweet, charismatic, and assertive) (my daughter is creative, ambitious, and strong) but both very smart and talented intellectually I’m glad to be in a position to teach them, I don’t know when they will be done studying with me but I want to take advantage of whatever time we have together to get ahead so they have an easier time in college or whatever sort of secondary school they go into someday.