Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. 

– Martin Luther King, Jr.

CLOTHES: Going a little better putting them away again like a normal person.

BOOKS: They aren’t very accessible where they are I should move them.

PAPERS: Haven’t gone through them in a long time, been putting it off.

TIME: I had a more formal school start and I think it was helpful, but having trouble going back to it. Song-Bus/Song Time/School Roll/Calendar/Writing/Letter of the Day/Feelings Pond, story time somewhere…

MEMENTOS: Haven’t gone through them much, what I do find I don’t get rid of, even though it won’t keep in this climate.

MISC: This is the worst area right now.

Saturday/Creative Day: Last week cleaning so much. This week felt panicky in the morning, built a gazebo, went to break dancing an hour after I planned to (but it worked out), came back, went out again to eat burgers with friends at night (something I don’t usually do). My sister picked up my dad at the airport. Less cleaning, but just as crazy as the week before. I really like break dancing, it is something that I like as exercise, it is something I find fun, it is something I like watching my kids learn and enjoy. Breakdancing is American, but it infiltrated Japanese culture in a sense as did disco and then both have a certain Japanese variety that I really enjoy. There was a music style called Tsubaru that really went well with breakdancing. Perhaps as a racial hybrid, I relate to and enjoy hybrid art or concepts, or maybe I would have anyways. I like that we are doing it, even though it’s a bit physically hard and hard to start a new habit, the teacher is really awesome though.

Sunday/Faith Day: Last week trying to fix broken plumbing that needed to be replaced. So it didn’t work, but we did order new parts so that maybe it will work later. My dad brought up a reasonable point, but it is so round about way he discusses things, and the way his conclusions are fear themed instead of logical. I miss living without my parents, but I moved out of state so came back to try to find a new house and ended up cohabitating. I could idolize my dad for all the hard work he did raising me and all the things he helped me with, if only I didn’t have to talk to him any more, each time we talk it’s like a cheese grader of his view point grinding down on my arm, and I’m pretty sure it’s also difficult for him to know that his kids don’t agree with his view points or value his values. It makes me lonely talking to him because I feel like we are two different species. We speak English together, but when we do it feels like neither one of us really speaks English well, and whatever else we speak isn’t the same. My sister and I baited for cockroaches and ants, which was good, it’s good to stay ahead of things when possible, because we never get true cold the bugs here are pretty tenacious.

Monday/Unity Day: Last year I wrote “I don’t like the family tension but I can refuse to feed into it more than what it is on it’s own.” I’m still doing my best with that, since becoming a mom I’m much more sensitive to the bad moods of others, I wish I could tap into my natural well being that I used to have so easily. Last week I was really sick, I was struggling with mold and clutter and depression and overwhelm. This week I’m half or more than half better, still a stuffy nose and fevers, but less brain fog and aches. I got rid of most the mold, still need to go through some shelf bottoms and spray on some clove or tea tree oil… I haven’t really organized what I do have since I spent my time and energy de-molding. Therefore my items are cluttered and some normal cleaning is due (bathroom/fridge ext). For the depression a positive energy tea that has orange and yerba matte actually worked, which I wouldn’t have believed. Being overwhelmed I’m still struggling with… We all had 100° fevers today, I wonder if it was from being in the sun too much Saturday. Teaching great writers like Martin Luther King and great leaders like Nelson Mandela makes me happy to be home schooling. There are some good things about public school, the infrastructure, organization and social opportunities? But home schooling is the king of “content control” if I want Wordsworth instead of Emerson I can have that change done today, if I want to ban books or allow banned books, I can change that today. I can add calligraphy or take away cursive today. Public school can’t change at a high speed, they can change, but it’s harder to implement changes at a fast pace.

Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.

– WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY

So I’m happy this year my daughter learned about Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King Jr for Martin Luther King Day. We watched Selma (it wasn’t as violent as Harriot Tubman’s movie, which was crazy violent…). We reviewed Ghandi and Lincoln a little, I like teaching about these difficult but true topics to supplement Social Studies. My kids were really engaged in learning about Martin Luther King Jr and Nelson Mandela, I wanted them to know it’s not about black and white, but justice and injustice, there has been white on white violence in Ireland/England and black on black in Rwanda, so eventually as Martin Luther King Jrs group of support integrated and Nelson Mandela’s group integrated it gave the conclusion that I was hoping for my kids to understand. Though I never wanted to get in trouble for saying so, what I didn’t like about the Black Lives Matter mantra was I felt it was a backstep verbally to what Martin Luther King Jr had already said and done. I think civil rights for minorities, especially blacks is not a complete process, I don’t know if it will ever end for women, I feel like people support the LBGTQ community mostly only on paper and in the media but not always on the actually streets which would make me feel unsafe if my kids wanted to go walking about in the wrong states in the wrong clothes still… Each of the different groups seeking civil rights has chosen different avenues for legitimacy, I think the LBGTQ community was right and successful to pursue legal changes first and worry about public opinion later, but what stands out to me the most is how society seeks someone to hate and stigmatize unnecessarily and when pressure moves onto one group, it is off another. I don’t know how to feel about it, but being Japanese and knowing we were imprisoned with no real legal basis and knowing we were in that spot unjustly, it definitely gives me some compassion for all the other groups who have shared that space of being arbitrary hated rather than punished for a real offense. There has always been a huge gap between the rhetoric and reality of America, America saying they fight oppression in Germany while causing it to Japanese citizens at home, saying they need to free the Vietnamese during the Vietnam war but not protecting their own peaceful marchers following the constitutional process and laws correctly, there is pointing fingers at Muslim countries over treatment of women, while at the same time harboring mistreatment of women… Sometimes it’s hard to understand why the rhetoric matters at all when it’s so far from the truth. But it does matter, because some people believe it, because some people aspire to it, and although we don’t reach our own bar often it creates a psychological identity, mistaken though it often is. So when civil rights changed from “we” shall overcome to “black” lives matter, I saw it as a step back towards disunity, but not caused necessarily by that movement, just reflective of the true disunity that obviously exists in the US where there are no “civil rights” groups but rather “special interest” groups. Perhaps with no one who believes in civil rights, no civil rights leaders exist, or perhaps with no leaders no one believes, but it’s definitely a feeling that each group looks out for only their own in a political sense and that is a weaker position for real change.

Tuesday/Self-Determination: Last week we were all well, this week we are sick with the Coronavirus. I didn’t know it was that until we tested later in the week. My daughter had a fever so I mostly watched her not realizing I was sick too. I felt so tired, I showed a lot of Viking history for school, and the kids did less school work then ever, usually we cover English when they are sick.

Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last week we forgot my car seats in my sister’s car and we didn’t go to the beach, this week we stayed home sick, too sick to work on paperwork either. My daughter had a high fever I was looking up what doctor to take her to if it didn’t break in the next few days, there isn’t a lot to choose from where I live.

Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Last week cleaned up the garden, this week very sick. My daughter is much better, but my son and I are worse. Thick mucus in our lungs that does thin with mullein tea, it’s hard to breathe at times, but also feels okay at times so I’m trying to hold back from overworking when I do feel okay so my energy can go towards getting better.

Friday/Creativity Day: Last week my daughter got over being fussy about spelling, which was a big deal because it wasted a lot of our time and I didn’t know when she would turn that corner. This week I’m too sick to be my normal self or worry about what my best self would look like or think about me.

Last Year to This Year

Last Year: Our favorite dog died, I struggled with family tension, I was struggling with dog waste of indoor dogs poorly housebroken, clutter and to clean the house with little help and a lot of messy people.

This Year: It took a whole year to get used to the dog being gone, she was a special dog, not just a normal one. When I decide to take my own stance on homeschooling, religious choice, gender roles, anything I don’t take into account how much family tension it will cost me to live my truth, and that’s good because if I did understand how much tension and resentment would cost me I don’t know if I could live the way that is best for me. I realize that although I’m living with family now in my ideal future I vastly prefer my own home, so I’m not sure yet where or when, but I do know I would rather just live without my values and choices being questioned all the time, by people who have their own opinions and different values, neither them or I care to be remolded by the other, it is simply a waste of energy I wouldn’t make if I had other options and hope not to make in the future. Sometimes you have friends who are as much family as anyone could ever be, but sometimes you have family who will always feel as unlike family as could be possible. It feels like being a refugee, it’s better then not having anywhere to be, but it isn’t the same as independence, it’s hard to describe that you are one on hand grateful, but at the same time your soul is stifled by living with others without harmony between your values, like living in a duplex with slave owners on the other side, they don’t have to bother you to bother you, the very idea their life style exists bothers you and to live close to it makes it harder to focus on your own life and choices. Sometimes I have hoped for things that I wasn’t sure I wanted, because they were easier than the alternative, I don’t know if it was because I was afraid of a harder truth or because it simply takes exploration to find the truth?

Live – Lift – Love

Live – I am surprised we put up the gazebo, it can use more leveling ext, but the frame is up, the basil is growing well, things are moving along even though we were sick, the few days we were well we moved forward towards the future garden I see in my mind.

Lift – I was lifted by watching Ruby in the movie Invictus, it reminded me of playing during college and it was a fun time watching it with my son and daughter.

Love – I love my children, having a discipline system in place (1-2-3 magic) has allowed me to get rid of our power struggles and I can see how my kids are both different (my son is sweet, charismatic, and assertive) (my daughter is creative, ambitious, and strong) but both very smart and talented intellectually I’m glad to be in a position to teach them, I don’t know when they will be done studying with me but I want to take advantage of whatever time we have together to get ahead so they have an easier time in college or whatever sort of secondary school they go into someday.

🦠

Saturday/Creative Day: Kaizen blitz of the kid’s bedroom, cleaned out mold, built a bed frame, tried to fix the chargers/wires/plugs, curtains adjusted, closet doors removed, toys wipes, decluttered and organized. Was excited to keep reading the 123 Magic discipline book, have a lot to train the kids on with toys and items moving around the house and a new year is a good time to get school time more organized. We worked hard all day, a new bench got a cushion sewed, so many boxes of toys got sorted into dinos/dragons, vehicles, monster trucks, tracks, books got frozen to kill mold, books got sorted through, balls got put away, just a ton of small tasks that usually never happen finally happening in a weird and intense parade of cleaning and organization. My sister took the trash out, last year we had the same holiday build up of trash, I also weeded ginger and worked on paths and decluttered.

CLOTHES: I don’t have too much, but I have enough too, some marital arts stuff and normal people stuff, but a lot less than most ladies I think. I think my hair and earrings are the way I like to express my style and I really don’t feel the need to try hard or spend a lot of time looking for clothes anymore. I want functional stuff my kids can mess up without me getting angry about.

BOOKS: We have very few books, about two milk crates, but we have to clean them all so we go through them fairly often and cycle what we don’t need. It’s not bad.

PAPERS: It’s not a huge volume and but it’s still some junk that hasn’t been sorted, I should take a look soon. Digitally it’s bad that my email was over full and Google Drive so I have to fix where I store my exercise videos and fix my gym website after that…

TIME: We used to do Song-Bus/Song Time/School Roll/Calendar/Writing/Letter of the Day/Feelings Pond and I want to go back to that it was fun, with story time somewhere… maybe at 12:45? Or 1PM…

MEMENTOS: I’m getting better at throwing out kid art work and keeping some… it used to be really hard and pile up. There isn’t that much right now.

MISC: This is where I need to get better, my stuff is too ungrouped, as I get better at putting things away, I find a lot of things have not been assigned places to be and learning how to do that is for some reason hard for me, so I’m working on it, but it’s going slower than I would wish.

Sunday/Faith Day: Last year I was so worried about finishing paperwork ASAP, now I’m just okay with finishing it WP… when possible. I’m fixing up a lot of things around the house like the fish filter, but the pump was broken again, tried to fix it, but couldn’t more of a replacement item… I fertilized the lawn with fish emulsions, I’m more excited by the filter cleaning as a gardener than I would be if I wasn’t… I looked around today at the things that need to get fixed instead of hiding from them, even though it’s a bunch of things, it’s not everything. I need to redo plumbing, but the electrical is good, so that’s something.

Monday/Unity Day: Last week I was at a bad place, sick, worn out, trying to get rid of mold, this week the mold is gone, I’m stronger than I was and I feel more hopeful and peaceful about the future again. Last year I was trying to fix the schedule and a year later, I am trying again, this is different because my son isn’t in preschool so it’s easier doing two kids school instead of preschool and school, it’s similar but different. I was so surprised and happy we fixed the play house roof with some extra posts and trimmed the green roof. I made a bench out of a log so the kids can sit behind the playhouse.

Tuesday/Self-Determination: Last week I was very sick and kind of fed up with the kids. This week the kids are a lot better, the discipline system we switched to worked well for them. We have been watering the strawberry bed with the new Albion strawberries, which is good. I cleared a lot of ground for the new gazebo and put up a green privacy fence of climbing vines. The ground won’t be level before I install the gazebo but at least it is easier to walk around and pretty clear.

Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last week we did 4 martial arts classes at the beach it was really fun. This week I forgot my car seats in my sister’s car and we didn’t go to the beach. It was sad because I packed everything and the kids were excited to go.

Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Last week super tired, this week pretty tired but cleaned up making the beds, put away clean laundry, oiled the floors a little bit. Made a cool broth from a friend’s recipe I was so excited by that, because I’m hoping I’ll get well, I turned in our D2 form, but I have this month to fill out our 990 form before getting back to the 501. We installed my daughter’s nice ornamental pot fish pond in the front with a solar pump that just stirs the water a tiny bit and added some pretty aquatic plants I don’t know the name of and mosquito fish from our other (dilapidated ponds), even though it’s a tiny pond it was kind of fun doing the whole set up in one day, it used to be our whole dirt garden with carrots, tomatoes and sweet potato’s now it is my daughter’s little fish pond. We saw a beautiful white pidgeon, it had a blue ankle band so it was someone’s pet, it was so lovely, it stopped on our patio for awhile.

Friday/Creativity Day: Last week started reading a new parenting book “123 Magic” this week it feels so much easier using the routine. I turned the soil for the watermelon bed, two seeds are sprouting right now so I’ll wait a bit for them to grow, but that’s exciting to me to have the bed ready early instead of too late. We planed a ton and ordered a ton of garden stuff the past two weeks. My daughter got over being fussy about spelling today, which was great, using Brainscape flash cards (free) helped a lot, it makes it seem like it’s no big deal if you don’t remember something, you just press red and then it gives you the answer and another try. My daughter wanted a circle of moss so we harvested some moss and set it on treys, not sure if it will take or not, but trying it out. Also started clearing the next section next to the front section to put weed cloth down, but didn’t get too far yet. I added just a few new Mexican Sunflowers to the front hedge heading down from the East to the North corner, I have enough cuttings and soil to continue to my own bedroom windows soon, that’s exciting for me. I don’t hate my neighbors plants, they are in good taste, but I’ll be happy to see my own. The new basil and new watermelon seeds are sprouting well, for awhile nothing was sprouting. I’m excited about the basil.

Last Year to This Year

Last Year: Our dog was dying, my kids were doing well in school, I was struggling with clutter and to clean the house.

This Year: The kids are behaving better than they had been, my daughter started Ocarina of Time on Nintendo and it’s been fun spending an hour together watching her, it’s a beautiful and inspiring game to me, it’s cool because she knows how to play the songs on ocarina that came from the game. She also is listening to the Sword of Truth series which I read as a kid so that is fun too. I’m glad my husband and dad were away so I could nail down the kid’s discipline without people adding their unwanted opinion at the same time, I’ll deal with those unwanted opinions later.

Live – Lift – Love

Live – I had fun clearing a bit of garden for the gazebo, extending the sun flower hedge and putting in the log bench and little pot pond. I feel so alive in the garden, seeing basil sprout from gooey seeds to little green sprouts and having watermelon sprout too, it doesn’t get old for me, I just want to do better with the next step too.

Lift – I was lifted by a friend’s offer for dinner and soup recipe that helped me get well.

Love – I love the 1-2-3 Magic Discipline system, it’s awesome, I wish I had found it 7 years ago, it’s perfect for me and my kids and I went through a lot of other stuff that wasn’t. It reduced our power struggles and the kids fighting so much that I have a lot more time and patience to clean, garden, and enjoy the kids more.

🕊️

Saturday/Creative Day: The 6th day of Kwanzaa is my sister’s birthday too and also the last dance class of the year, it wasn’t a huge class, but I loved it, seeing my kids dance their best and being together in a creative space. The instructor is my personal hero of the year, without him I wouldn’t be break dancing now, he makes it inclusive instead of exclusive and fun and approachable, he breathes new life into what could feel like an outdated dance form.

Sunday/Faith Day: The last day of Kwanzaa our last candle wouldn’t light, which is a metaphor for reality, because it’s the day of faith and I’ve always lacked that. We bought dance floor pieces, I can’t wait to tiredly lug them to our next dance class, we figured out our speaker and two mics this time. I didn’t realize I made it a year journaling and a year teaching martial arts (except the month I was out sick ie December).

I had trouble thinking of what movie represented faith, we tried Homeward Bound, but actually that boy looses faith and it’s more about loyalty, hope, and perseverance, we tried Land Before Time and it’s okay but then I remembered Kung Fu Panda and that was more what I wanted, faith in yourself instead of in your family’s teachings.

I’m going to try to live by the Kwanzaa values all year long again, but I don’t always bring them up with my kids, so Kwanzaa is a good time to bring them up.

New years is a rebirth for me this year, I’m happy for a lot of things from last year, but I want to be more consistent this year. I maybe almost 40, but I’m kind of inconsistent still. I have paperwork waiting for me and no excuses, but I know to really do it I have to make some new habits, skills, and routines. I have the flu right now, but I’m starting to turn really optimistic in my mind that I can do good things in the garden, build a new shelter, keep teaching martial arts – maybe better then before, finish the 501 paperwork, right now, I believe.

I have last years notes for the first time this year, last year I was exercising a lot the first week, this year I think I will keep resting until the flu I have is gone. It’s nice to know that last year I was feeling better than this year, health wise.

Monday/Unity Day: Ran too many errands, seven, six would have been doable, but I lost focus on the seventh errand and it wasn’t even done right. I should be resting, but a lot of work falls onto my plate, a lot I create, even more comes from having had kids, some comes from the area and home ext, things that didn’t get done come bouncing back demanding time and energy. I’m not recovering well and I hate it, I hate life some days, I wouldn’t want to admit it, but I hate the place I am now, I’m trying to make my way through not knowing where my husband will buy a house, because that is annoying, I’m trying to make my way past being really sick and tired and having to take care of my kids and do their school teaching, because that is annoying, I’m trying to get through a lot of annoying paperwork but my head is in a fog from being sick, that is annoying. It’s not a good time, but I keep trying to set myself up for a better one to come. I keep trying to clean and organize, to brainstorm, to hope, but I won’t be able to enjoy life until this flu passes, it’s too much for me to take care of kids, be sick, and be positive, other people have done more, but it’s too much for ME.

Tuesday/Self-Determination: Sick and not looking forward to tomorrow. Just so sick and tired of being sick already. Potted a new Setsuma tree, so it was nice, sprayed it with neem and cedar oil since it came from Home Depot could have any pests on it, watered the strawberries too. Too tired to do major stuff, but it did feel nice to go out and do a little gardening with the kids. Wonder if I can set up drip irrigation of the front garden again. I’m super mad at my son today, he keeps making extra messes, water all over the bathroom, soup all over the bedroom. This year mirrored last year exactly discipling the kids and at my limit with their bad behavior and squabbling.

Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last year I wanted to write and do martial arts, this year writing is less important to me and tying up old ends is more important to me. We did 4 martial arts classes at the beach it was really fun. When I got home I restocked our reward prizes. I want to remember to bring trucks for my son next week, I said I would and forgot once already. I was still sick, but I was tired of being indoors, I hope I get better soon. It’s our 2 year anniversary, it felt really special to experience that. We haven’t grown a crazy amount, but we did grow six times six times our initial size, we have done a lot of cool things over the past year, but I want to find a way to make it less exhausting and more organized still. Definitely worth it overall. This year mirrored last year, I enjoyed the beach both years, but this year my health is lower and last year I was well.

Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Paperwork for our medical insurance, worrying about mold. I wanted to go and garden but the kids were still sick and I was still sick, going out yesterday was fun, but it didn’t shake off the end of our flu. If I thought I would always be so exhausted I would be sad, but I think it will be over soon. I’ve felt really weak this past flu, sometimes helpless and frustrated, really humble in facing my own limits in an undeniable and direct way. My feelings this year mirrored last year exactly today, in that I hit a place where I needed to rest and had no option.

Friday/Creativity Day: Started reading a new parenting book “123 Magic” it helped me a lot, it was the opposite of “Conscious Parent” instead of not planning what to do and thinking about it, this is having an exact plan before and standardizing discipline in a clear way it was simple instead of complicated and clear instead of convoluted so it was a really good fit for me. I’ve been struggling with discipline for 7 years, this is something doable for me that I think will work.

Last Year to This Year

2022 – Discipline Struggles

2023 – New Hope with 123 Magic Discipline System

Last Year: I was really exhausted and overwhelmed disciplining the kids, my husband settled into, then moved out of the state, we started spending more time with friends and activities, then the holidays and illness threw us off track even more, without a schedule the kids tend to act worse than average and I felt too tired to do any more to correct the situation, even though I care, I didn’t have more energy to throw at the dysfunctional family situation. I took my daughter to therapy for ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) ext and it helped a lot we did PCIT (Parent Child Interaction Therapy) as well as being more consistent with her treatment for SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder). We tried public school and settled on home school, we thought we were moving out of state and then didn’t, plus money was tight with my husband looking for work and moving out of state after moving in state so put off getting much furniture. I decided to start teaching karate after having taught BJJ/MMA and then taking a break. Surprised to learn to cook and start a scouting/kids group.

This Year: I feel like I’m about to get the family life in order and peaceful with the 123 Magic Discipline System.

Last Year: I thought about and did restart martial arts teaching including buying mats, searching for a place and questioning my skills and myself. “The things that make a good martial arts teacher are attention to detail, kindness in corrections, and consistency. Also belief in the moves, which is helped from competition or use, and a lack of hesitance. The technical side, and ethical side are both essential.”

This Year: Martial arts is blossoming, students come and go but the kids remember the skills and it’s stayed emotionally positive.

Last Year: In school my daughter was covering agriculture and theatre, I was really impressed with those classes, after that we covered a lot of basic courses, which are fine, but the advanced ones stick out as being worth the work.

This Year: We are covering studio art, still coding, still basics stuff like Science, English, Piano, Math, Foreign Language. It’s going well, even shifting to being outside twice a day and trying to integrate music and art more consistently.

Last Year: I was overwhelmed “I’m able to ramp up what I’m doing with the kids, painting, blocks, exercise, yet not nearly as much as they still would like. I’m able to ramp up cleaning the house, which looks horrible at times and other times looks okay but has mold due to our climate… It’s a dangerous game of being already spread too thin and wanting to do much more than I can do.”

This Year: I am still overwhelmed, but better at cleaning than before. I got bed frames so that helps, air filters, that helps, took off the closet doors to get air and light in that space, that helps, been cleaning with vinegar and essential oils and mold blocking spray all those help. Mold is still an issue, but I’m better than before at cleaning. Apart from getting used to the mold I definitely don’t have art, exercise consistent and the house clean, it’s a hard uphill slope for me to climb, but seeing some of my friends succeed spurs me onward a bit.

This week was about “rebirth,” like old me meeting last year me, blending and becoming a new smoothie of me.

⚔️