Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.

– Bruce Lee

Saturday/Creative Day: Last week we went to pick up my son’s playhouse since we were getting mostly better. It was nice that we could afford the $125 playhouse, it wasn’t something I would have had growing up, even though it doesn’t seem like that much money now, it just wasn’t something my parents would have had on their radar. This week we went to the Cherry Blossom Festival (Hanami), been spending a lot lately, but I wanted the kids to have at least one souvenir from Hawaii when we are away spending time with my husband. Over spending has helped me feel a lot better after being depressed about being sick for three months, so, hmm, not trying to justify it, but I am noticing “bad things” are done for a reason, because they help in some way. My over spending is toned down from last year, and I intend to keep toning it down until it’s “spending” but I thought it would be easier to really change if I worked at it bit by bit. So I’m going to try to reduce groceries from $200 to $150/week and though it sounds like a lot, I live in the state with the official highest cost of living so it is what it is.

Sunday/Faith Day: Last week was my wedding anniversary and I was pretty depressed, but then cheered up taking the kids to the zoo. This week my dad and I took the kids fishing at Coconut Island, my son made his own pole. We caught an Indian Fish and put it in a little pond I dug next to the rock wall. The kids had a lot of fun with the fish, we all hope it will be okay, there is a risk when you catch and release that the stress will kill the fish after. It was nice being in the sun without feeling nauseated. It was a peaceful day between my dad and me, though I still found conversation tiring and kind of pointless, or at least not worth the effort for me, with a lot of misunderstandings over nothing important. I am happy my dad and my kids get along even while I have given up having a comradery of my own with my dad, I do want good things for him, though it’s hard for me to be patient with the way he communicates, because I don’t like it.

Monday/Unity Day: Last week I was very tired trying to do what was once normal for me. This week I feel pretty decent energy wise and mentally. I’ve been reflecting about life from last year to this year and although progress was slow, many things I wanted to do are done or happening now, so that’s both humbling that things take so long and inspiring that they happen at all. I added the pond pump to the UV filter in the koi pond, tightened the tubing, encased it in a large net box, added a solar pump to the overflow pond and added the deer scarer pump to the front fountain, something I wanted to do last year… I’m still happy it happened at all. I want to be someone who finishes things, but most my life I’ve had more ideas and messes then finished projects.

Even though this took a lot longer than I expected looking at it now it met a lot of what I wanted, when I first moved to the forest I wanted to respect the forest, but also diversify. I didn’t move any ferns/trees to put in this wall/bamboo/fountain/sunflowers, I developed a friendship with the birds, rocks, land and rain over time, all my water comes from rain, so these are rain fountains, there are fish in the pot my daughter caught and water plants that must come from elsewhere on the island. I feel like my garden is in harmony with the animals of the forest and balanced between what I want in my life and the character of the forest around us. I’m more at peace with where the bamboo is now even though it will take time to grow, and I’m happy I got a morning glory that is not typically invasive and I’m happy the Mexican Sunflower adds nutrients to the soil. Something about moving water in the same pot I once had an urn of a miscarried child makes me feel like life and death are connected in a cycle.

Tuesday/Self-Determination: Last week recovering from being sick. This week went skateboarding, it was really fun. My son skated with me a bit and my daughter rode her scooter. I enjoy the feeling of trying to be balanced, I don’t know if it’s because that’s where my emotional process is or not, but it takes me into a flow state and kind of connects my past and present because I wanted to skateboard and did as a kid. Until 16, then I started college and tried to use my time being responsible, so 21 year break and now at 37 making progress again. In my family we maintain our physical body well, our balance, strength, capacity, my dad is turning 70 and bought his first kayak this year, so it’s not that we are abnormally strong or capable, but what we have we mostly maintain so I can look forward to perhaps a life time of skate boarding. We got some lumber to make a picnic table. We ran into the preschool teachers it was nice to see them and for them to see the kids.

Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last week we had two new karate students and I felt like I did when I first started teaching, which is honored to shelter a new interest in art, even though martial arts is thought of as sport I really do feel it as art as well. This week we did do one karate class, but I was a bit too relax to organize a second class. I think I will in the future, but I’m still rebuilding myself to where I was before. After last class I was inspired to get some more equipment, just a little kid punching bag, a timer, and counters, but the punching bag did get a lot of use actually by my own kids and I think it will continue to get a lot of use. The whales are back, others have seen them, I haven’t yet, but I find it extra special to be next to whales, they seem like a symbol that the ocean is still not toxic and that we are sharing the beach in harmony with something greater than ourselves, I guess they are a living symbol of God to me. There is a myth that all reality is the dream of a whale and we are just a dream, that’s probably why they are so high status in my mind. I can’t believe people used to hunt them, and use them for lamp oil, I don’t think I could ever eat them. As much as I like trees, I would rather chop down a tree to burn than use a whale for oil.

Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Last week getting my strength back after each active day. This week able to see a new garden, which is always fun, checking out how other people run their permaculture garden/farm is pretty helpful, though so far every farm I go to is a different type of weather than I have so it’s somewhat usable, but not exactly the right layout for me to copy in my garden/farm. I wanted to understand the goals and style of the gardener so I can help and over time I started to understand and it’s mostly hardscaping that needs to be done. I like gardening for vegetarians because for normal eaters I wonder if they will even harvest veggies or not, but I believe vegetarians are likely to use and enjoy whatever they harvest so I see it as a really good investment of energy. I’m noticing that gardens that have an herb place, veggie place, ornamental place (and small plant nursery) are easier to tend, even if there are some things mixed up having that mental idea of I need to tend the veggies or check them (while the herbs and ornamentals can mostly be left alone) is helpful. My head and my heart filled up with ideas for the garden and mostly hope, whatever ideas shift or change is fine, but I hope to help make the most beautiful garden here where there is perfect sun and rain and good airflow and no cold pockets, here I want to help build the most pretty garden, where as I prefer mine to be calm more than spectacular.

Friday/Creativity Day: Last week I planted corn, and peas at my friends house, I’m jealous of the butterflies there, but they planted milkweed and I didn’t so the jealousy doesn’t make sense (I guess it never does). This week I brought down roses for a friend, they are climbing roses, so maybe they can take over the back fence someday… I bought some bolt cutters and welded wire. Then we had the same friends over. We cooked together, which was the first time for me in a long time, I’m trying to get back into cooking. I made simple mistakes like not greasing my pan, not making enough rice, making it too wet, forgetting how to chop. Not to be dramatic, but after COVID my brain had to relearn some simple things, a mind fog kind of took over that I’m shaking off, even though my body is back to strong, my mind is only at medium strength and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by things I once did without thinking about them. I started some second generation sunflowers in the morning and that is cool the seeds will get more and more naturalized to Hawaiian sun and weather.

Last Year to This Year

Last Year: My husband just started working in this state and I thought we would all be a family together here.

This Year: My husband has been back in another state for awhile, we miss him, we should be going back and forth with him in the future when he finds a place over there. I worry that he didn’t spend enough time with the kids when they were little, that is something we will never fix in the future. But it’s something that wasn’t necessarily his fault, it wasn’t something he fixed, but it wasn’t something he caused. It was caused by him needing to work full time, it was caused by the kids not being able to fly easily during the pandemic, it was caused by my dad and him not being able to live together happily. It was his fault that he didn’t take time off when I asked for help (and he did have time off at work), it was his fault that he moved out of our old place to save money without thinking about where we would come back to, it was his fault for not buying his own home in this state, in those ways it was his fault. So it was both not his fault, and his fault in various ways. As a wife I will always remember he didn’t help me much with our two kids, it’s not out of spite, but it’s engrained in my bones that I carried their weight mostly alone, that my mind bore most of the decisions, and my heart took in most of stress. I’ll never forgive him for telling me he would help at night, and then sleeping while I did everything, before we both went to work in the morning. Not because I don’t want to forgive, but because I can’t. When things are hard, he goes on break, someone is left on duty, and that someone is me. Over time you know when things get hard, that person isn’t going to be there, and you can’t see them as someone who is going to be there, even in your imagination, anymore.

Live – Lift – Love

Live – There were a lot of beautiful moments this week, it is a lot easier to feel that way when you are no longer sick. I’m settling into my own life again, I’m happy to be not fighting with my family even if they aren’t supportive we aren’t fighting, I’m happy to have a lot of love and support from my friends and I’m happy to have cooperation from my kids, they are starting to act like my team members and not my enemies… Especially teaching martial arts makes me feel alive, but so does the ocean, I’m trying not to cut out the things that I enjoy in life. It has helped a lot to write/blog because I notice in a deeper way what I really like, what I don’t like, and how I feel about things.

Lift – Teaching martial arts two parents said thank you and one checked out the Youtube practice video to maybe practice at home, so that was significant because those that practice at home will take home another level of skills and learning than those that don’t. Simply because without the home practice people tend to forget the blocks ext. I don’t always have interested students, but sometimes I do and that’s an honor to be the bridge between what kids WANT TO and what they CAN, I like to be that bridge when I can.

Love – I love my friends here, I ran into two at the cherry blossom festival and my kids got to play with theirs at the park and it was kind of special to see them in a new place. I’ve made more friends in 2 years since moving out of the city than I had combined in 35 years of living in the city. It was fun seeing one of my friends working selling her jewelry, I had been wanting to see her at work for awhile and it was just a surprise to see her work, it’s very pretty and the arrangement was very pretty as well. I’m so proud of the three jewelry making friends I have now, I would never do that or have a business, just like some people would never teach martial arts at the beach… We are different people, but we are learning to live our best lives together I think. I haven’t asked them, but I feel like they are in that state of being where you want to find your best life and working on changing what needs to change bit by bit to find a way forward.

🛹