Saturday/Creative Day:Last week we went to the Museum of Science and Technology. This week we went to coconut island, to fish and play with our friends. It went well setting up and crossing the bridge, for some reason being on a smaller island across from an island makes me more aware of how much food we do or don’t have… I want to figure out something good to bring eventually. We had fun between fishing, boating and playing in the sand. I love that little island, it feels like a metaphor, it feels healing and it is very beautiful. We dropped off my husband to the airport at the end of the day, my daughter was sad and my son was alright, the opposite of the last time. I guess we need people, or feel we do, differently at different times in life.
Sunday/Faith Day: Last week we had a garden day, a little composting, some weed cloth laying (going to lay more weed cloth/mulch). This week we went to the bay, the kids have a lot of fun on that dirt/sand beach, it’s extremely sunny. I think we all got burnt even with two applications of sunscreen. Possibly if we hadn’t just come from the beach the day before we would have been okay. I think in the future mandatory hats at the bay front, it seems much brighter than our normal beaches are. My dad went fishing, I guess that works for him. In the future, maybe a cold juice and hats. Probably do half a day of school in the morning because we didn’t leave until about noon anyways. Early lunch, make juice in the morning and muffins… Perhaps music class in the morning and just a quick water of the garden. Maybe once a month instead of twice… I talked to my sister about wanting more balance and she said schedule down time first instead of last.
Monday/Unity Day: Last week we covered some extra English to kind of catch up with the academic year. We did Social Studies and Math, covered reading before lunch, then outside time after lunch. It was cute, my daughter learned to swing. I got annoyed with my father trying the micromanage my daughter’s swinging… I was happy she did what she wanted anyways, but sad that he doesn’t have more manners or sense than a seven year old. We tolerate his argumentative nature, but it keeps us from really respecting him. Respect is a two way street, people who don’t address others respectfully will never really be respectable themselves in a true sense. We got our new dance floor in and I put it away in it’s rolling carts, I charged the speakers, changed the mics batteries, unboxed the projector screen, cut the golf lawn with a hand sickle, electric grass cutter, manual grass cutter and weed whacker. All have certain advantages. The weed whacker doesn’t take out stems better then the hand sickle, the manual grass cutter separates dandelions from grass well. I don’t like the weed whacker much… but I do see a speed advantage, though I feel less connected to nature and the plants which takes away from the joy of gardening for me. I guess it could be good to maintain something, but it doesn’t feel as helpful for designing and feeling out the terrain and soil. Started my values reflection again, that feels good, so I’m starting to get more organized at home, in the garden and kind of existentially as well. I wanted to help a friend set up a garden and another tidy up and I was able to do those things, so yes I have my own garden and home to tidy, but I’m happy to be able to rise together, to give and take help in a way I wasn’t used to doing before. It feels good getting some new clothes and new uniforms for the kid’s homeschool.
Clutter Fight Club: I cleaned my own room today, moving the bed and shelves, wiping the windows and shelves down with anti-mold spray. Cleaning the baseboards, floor and tables with vinegar. First I put everything misc into laundry baskets, then I started separating obvious trash out, then I saw some items should be together, dance class items, martial arts/exercise items, prizes for school, pens for white boards, pens/pencils not for white boards, camping stuff, movie making stuff, my personal clothes, clothes that rarely get used. I put the laundry away as I found it, I put things for my friends in bags depending on what friend they are headed out to, I started putting garden stuff together.
In the office I didn’t start much, just putting papers vertical, books vertical, and pens away.
In the garden I used old soil/soil bags for new sunflowers and milkweed plants, potted the chayote in soil, and moved my second generation sunflowers from soaking to toilet tissue/zip lock germination bags. I moved the bokashi outside (long in coming), and set up the next aeurogarden headed out bound, I wiped down the patio tables, which felt good, it had been a long time. Everything sat fallow in the colder part of winter, but it’s locally spring already where I am, the seeds sprout in 1-2 days and it just feels hot already after a stormy and cold start to the year.
Tuesday/Self-Determination:Last week I we finished building the picnic table, it felt good to finish a project as a three generation team. Today I worked on reseeding the lawn. It’s been a long time since I put in the golf green in the back yard, it wasn’t hard to start a lawn, but it’s different than a green in that a golf green is very low, even the high part is lower than the low part of a lawn. So without spending a lot I hadn’t figured out how to trim the grass to the right height yet. Still experimenting with that. I sowed what I think will be better grass for our area, it’s Bent Creeping Grass instead of Bermuda. There is still some wild grass and weeds that can be removed, but I’ve been removing the weeds and fallen leaves in general and raked to try to aerate the soil, then I used a hose setting to try to break up the soil, now it’s a waiting game to see how the new grass does, I’m debating adding a higher plastic margin around the grass to keep more weeds out…
Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last week we went to the arboretum and the waterfall. This week it’s raining and we cancelled our friend meet up, it’s pretty relaxing. Lets me work on transcripts and worksheets at home. Got a lot of report cards printed out… It felt good to be home and sort half my bedroom clutter, a lot of tiny items just needed to get returned and other items needed new homes with the room evolving after my husband moved rooms and then the kids moved rooms and the room returned to me unexpectedly. Unexpected would be a good word to describe my life right now. I’m homeschool kids I didn’t know I would have, separated to a husband I didn’t know I would get married to, working at a non-profit I didn’t expect to form, and trying to make it jive with what I think my true purpose or at least true happiness in life is, gardening/farming. I like to grow food to spiritually connect kids or people to Earth, not about volume or profit, but just sharing that joy of growing. I also like to design garden areas that set the scene of healing, healing the soul from the stress and constant barrage of modern life. Detox Gardens… Soul Sanctuaries. Altars of Nature… not sure how to call it, but I can see where my abilities, strengths, education, and life experiences intersect is more along the lines of gardening and less towards people, even though I’m stewarding our scout group as best as I can I don’t want to always be involved with event planning, notifying people, supporting other people’s goals/education/growth. I can’t wait for the day I can step away from all non-gardening aspects of the group stuff.
Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Last week planted sunflowers in a friend’s garden. This week the kids were sleepy, it’s just a sleepy day this morning. I do like not having to start the day early because we are homeschooling. For awhile I was trying to compete with regular school, keep the same hours ext. Now I keep as many hours, but we start later if we want to, fill in weekends if we want to ext. I’m trying to use my advantages where I can since I have disadvantages of having to source teachers for theatre, music, exercise and having to buy science, playground and shop equipment… I’m happy that I do have support from other homeschoolers. My daughter finished Social Studies, which is usually a happy day, but my daughter was very emotional and felt like a regression of her 6 year old self who just started school and was rebelling against the idea of having to put in a normal student work day. I can’t abide a student not studying, so we pushed through the day, I hope I was kind, but I know I got results. I’m excited to be getting some gravel and some new bamboo, it’s going to be beautiful here someday. I’m happy to get things done and upgrade the house, but I’m also happy with myself right now, I feel like I’m starting to improve myself in the way I bite off small responsibility, like cleaning the bathroom in the morning. There are still more things that could get done, but I’ve started to get a handle on “regular people stuff” like cleaning up, putting things away when I come home, accepting the cost of gas, charging my cell phone…
Friday/Creativity Day: Last week we went to visit my husband’s coworkers and found koa seeds. This week we dropped off new milkweed sprouts to be raised in a warmer garden, planted in ground red sunflowers, dawf sunflowers, teddy sunflowers and kale, delivered white sunflowers and an aeuroponic garden system with some spring seeds from the community seed bank. A lot of changes in the garden in just a day. The kids got to paint with a really awesome instructor, which was nice. We made nan from a new recipe that was pretty good, 3 cups of warm water with 6 TS sugar, 4 TS yeast proofed for 15 minutes, 6 cups of flour, 1.5 TS salt, 3/4 TS baking powder, 3 TBS oil, stir, kneed, rest for 30-90 minutes in an oiled bowl with a towel over.
GARDEN CLUB GOALS: Adventure Garden: Plank Road, Milkweed (six). Front-Front: Trying to spout Mamake (seeds ordered).
Jungle Garden: Central Garden further mulch and garden bed weeding. Practice Ladder Knott. Test Ladder.
Tropical Garden: Organize Plant Starts.
Farm Garden: Central Clearing, Moon Arch, Veggie Beds, Solar pump.
FARM TOGETHER GOALS: Starting mamake, ‘Ohia (0/100), sandalwood, koa and watermelon.
PROJECTS: Waterproof mortar for pond repair. Passport. Backyard road.
CLUTTER FIGHT CLUB: Demold living room. Declutter my bedroom items.
Last Year to This Year
Last Year: I felt overwhelmed socializing, but this year I reconnected with myself, I’m doing good things, helping start speech and breakdancing was right for me, even if other people won’t understand why I diverted my time and energy from what they preferred, it was right for me. Last year it was a huge effort to feel in public and this year I feel better than I ever have, because I represent people without voices, trees, kids, quieter introverts, remembering the people I care about most gives me the strength to face embarrassment, misunderstanding, tension and ridicule. Maybe it’s just getting older too, I know teens have trouble speaking up, it’s also the supportive people in my life lifting my spirits.
VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:
SAT Creativity thinking of new ways to do better. This week felt really good as far as the changes we have made to move public things to the weekend have felt right and worked out really well now that we dropped the midweek days for now. It makes me feel like we made the right decision to shift to weekends publicly (our scout non-profit) and to enjoy our weekdays casually again. The week becomes more creative again because we are trying new things and open to new ideas and places, it’s almost like an artist’s date now. I’m really enjoying it. SUN Faith in myself. I feel a little scared, about being able to step up to help with camping, and being able to meet my own projects of gardening/farming/forest restoration and doing the non-profit paperwork and doing homeschool well, I’m looking forward to my husband getting us a home so I can take a vacation half the year. I’ll be trying my best to support the new classes though. MON Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. This week I felt really comfortable with my own kids, with being apart from my husband, with letting my sister have some time apart from us. I am still not comfortable with my dad, it seems like no matter what we do to compromise with him, he will sulk about people not wanting to do everything his way, so it makes me feel like not even trying to harmonize with him at all. So mentally I know it’s easier to work together, but emotionally I have no desire to set myself up for disappointment. TUE Proactivity, know what I want. I’m starting to know myself, but it’s backwards somewhat, meaning I know what I don’t want in my life. WED Teamwork smarter group work. It’s been scary communicating more, but it’s leading to people having the activities they want more. THR Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. I didn’t realize it but I would be experiencing it on Sunday at dance class. FRI Purpose know what I can do. I didn’t realize it but I would find out I’m a good bubble chemist on Saturday. SAT Creativity thinking of new ways to do better. I lived this by trying a new bubble recipe and a new meet up and both went really well.
Last year we grew daffodils are a garden club, this year lilies instead. Last year I had a stomach ache too, I wonder at the similarities from year to year that occur on the same days. I was sad/happy my good friends were leaving/staying a bit longer. The group was growing and I was enjoying it, enjoying my kids spending more time with other kids.
This Year: I made the adjustments I needed to between my social life and home life, between my professional life and social life, between my kid’s educational and family lives, boundaries make life better. But there was a backlash.
Live – Lift – Love
Live – I feel really alive when I complete my own goals, even if they are silly or small, I accidently got sucked into completing other people’s goals to the extent I didn’t have enough time for my own anymore. I’m starting to find out what is comfortable for me to give and what I need to keep for myself, it’s been really good for me and in the long term good for those around me so I’m not completely burnt out of the services I am comfortable helping out with.
Lift – I am helping with healing garden spaces because I want to, I am helping start new educational classes because I want to, I am not running a large social club, because I don’t want to, I’m not worrying about the future right now, because I feel like I can’t bear that emotional drain right now.
Love – Things feel chaotic, like winds of change, so I’m trying to be a leaf on the wind at peace, but focusing on things I love, my friend’s first sunflower sprouting, my other friend germinating seeds in an aeroponic garden for the first time, some kids seeing giant bubbles for the first time, seeing middle aged kids still feel comfortable to play at the zoo, hearing jokes from teens that feel safe joking to me, seeing smiles of people that understand my humor, feeling comfortable with friends that we don’t need to talk or look fancy.
I feel inspired today to write 100 good things from this year:
My son’s birthday party car track being fun.
My son sharing a birthday cake nicely with a friend born close together.
A friend baking my son’s birthday cake for us.
A gift of home made sunscreen.
Making perfume for my God Daughter hoping she will like it.
Knowing other people don’t like their birthday too.
Piecing my nose again reminding me of being young.
My friends worrying about my nose when it had a bandaid.
Watching a planetarium show with kids, without getting kicked out.
Seeing my friends in person.
Seeing my daughter dancing.
Seeing my son dancing.
Hearing my son sing his own song.
Playing Pokemon Battle Royal with my friends and kids.
Getting a new book.
The library being open again.
Pulling my friends in a tiny boat next to a tiny beach.
Having good health.
Trying to save the forest.
Learning to Bokashi precompost for fertilizer.
Gathering forest seeds with my kids and kids.
Visiting the arboretum and learning more trees.
Ordering Japanese Pine Tree Seedlings.
Ordering gravel.
Getting new bamboo that might grow better in our climate.
Saving strawberry seeds from seascape strawberries.
Trying to plant a new row of sunflowers.
Putting together the front fountain I wanted to do for a long time.
Feeling more comfortable dancing.
Feeling more comfortable living.
Being less scared of being around people.
Being less scared to speak up for people who are scared of being around people.
Being okay with not liking to clean other people’s messes.
Making a boundary class with the All Your Base meme.
Enjoying multiplication songs just because I enjoy them.
Had a home made soup that was good.
Helped my friends enough that I don’t feel guilty.
Re-did the Pokemon Periodic Table of Elements
Took the time to listen to parents requests for educational programs, even if we can’t do them all.
Got a museum pass for the kids again, which is something I like them to have in their life.
Restarted theatre class, which is very challenging for me.
Made an effort to encourage speech class to start, which was so rewarding and taught me so much.
Made an effort to support break dancing class, which is so body positive and helpful for esteem, fitness, and soul health.
Made an effort to become comfortable with failure or start a conversation about that.
Found a better bubble solution mix to bring costs down and improve quality.
Learned new skateboard tricks at 37, which feels fun and amusing and rejuvinating.
Built a cool lego castle on the sea with lights and gears.
Made a scout frame project and took it to share in public. From harvesting the wood, prep, design and display.
Did my first trellis in the garden.
Cut bamboo for kid fishing poles.
Found something my dad and kids like to do together that is meaningful and fun and healthy instead of just fun for one person and boring for the other.
Accepted help more.
Accepted my limitations more.
Accepted the idea of failure.
Bought a new hat and dress, something I don’t do much, I don’t emotionally hope for a good fit that will be worth the money spent.
Had my hair dyed pretty with blue and purple.
Dared to dream that things can work out with art and music ext someday.
Built a gazebo and picnic table in the back yard.
Started a grass lawn remodel.
Taught my kids their names in Japanese.
Restarted language classes in our school.
I let people know I believe trying is good enough.
I let people know I care about them.
I shifted slightly towards healthier food with fiber/protein French Toast.
I got help managing my emotions from an unexpected place, other wordpress writers.
I got help crossing a physical bridge to an island where we meet now, in the form of a cart from my dad.
I got help managing my school from Roger Billings and his school, which still helps me in my day to day quest to educate my kids with current facts and science rather than 50+ year old facts and science that I got taught in my school system…
I got help accepting myself by seeing other people struggle to live their truth even if it’s difficult socially.
I tried a bread fruit for the first time.
I learned more about the stars than I’ve ever known by looking at them across the seasons of a year.
I told my friends I love them, but I will prioritize my family and needs first and them second. It was a lot for me to say and even more for me to mean it/do it.
I saw my God Daughter grow as an artist and be more vocal about her feelings.
I saw many of the students I educate thrive in the subjects they once struggled to complete.
I saw that when my friends rise I rise, and when I rise they rise and that we affect one another in a hidden, but real way.
I saw that my life holds a lot of potential for new learning.
I was surprised I could organize some clutter I was struggling to organize in the past.
I saw when I help others garden I learn a lot.
I heard very beautiful music at the beach.
I felt the sun on my face after sickness and darkness seemed to be all there was.
I survived having COVID with asthma.
I survived life in general.
I am a better parents than my parents, bucket list check.
I accept my kids for who they are in my heart, bucket list check.
I made friends with some birds.
I saw my son smile his sneaky smile.
My daughter cooked for me.
I learned the miter saw.
I feel as strong as I was before having my kids.
My soul feels unbroken.
I feel happy to be alive in and of itself.
I’m okay disappointing people.
I turned to internally validating myself after being bullied.
I supported my son when he was bleeding that I was there to honor his crying and pain and hurt not diminish it or try to deny it or stop it. That I care for him when he is in pain not just when he is happy, that I’m proud of him when he is weak not just strong, that I’m not embarrassed of him if he has a reason to cry.
I noticed about myself that I don’t like tense situations and I allowed myself to choose to opt out of situations beyond my tolerance for comfort.
I got less anxious about paperwork, even though I still don’t relish it.
I got less scared of writing or publishing public blog posts.
I felt less guilty about my own limitations and less ashamed to be myself and be imperfect.
I learned to see the line between my goals and other people’s expectations more clearly.
I taught a little bit of Chemistry Class.
I remembered that the good outweighs the bad and it’s a normal human tendency to imagine the bad as x9 more prevalent than it is to help with survival over an evolutionary timespan.
So it’s a chaotic moment, in a chaotic period of time, in my chaotic life, but focusing on the things that did work gives me some confidence to keep going.
I told a friend once, it’s okay, you are not “leaving,” you are “going,” it’s true for us all the stream of time, we are going forward to whatever is ahead.
Born to Be Alive 