“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”

– Thoreau

Saturday/Creative Day: Last week we went to my friends garden that is so relaxing. This week was dance week but everyone was tired, I was inspired by the fact that we even have dance week, though it was slow at least we have free community breakdancing and ballet. It was sunny and tranquil at the park even though the kids were tired it was nice to have sunshine after what felt like a week of rain. We also did bonsai fairy gardens at the park, low turn out but I just love that our community garden even has that connection with the community at all. Grassroots but real. I felt really happy that it was our second year doing bonsai, both years were small, but it is something I actually enjoy doing. It brings me peace to do bonsai because I love trees, miniatures, Japanese culture and gardening so it’s kind of a confluence of most of the things I enjoy, though I do like farming so eating produce isn’t really part of bonsai, between produce and bonsai everything I enjoy would be covered. It was a really serene mood at the park and nice to get sun.

Sunday/Faith Day: Last week I was sick and injured, resting but not miserable. This week I rested hard after going to the park for dance day. I was happy we gave out avocado, cherry blossom, spruce and fairy gardens with lavender, lemon balm, mint, and turmeric. It was an upgrade from the bonsai we gave out last year in variety and accessories, plus I fertilized with bokashi and protected with neem oil this time. The effort did leave me tired, but happy tired. I totally forgot that breaking a bone causes more inflammation and makes people prone to catching sick, either way I always am. I kind of lie to myself about being sick to justify not cancelling my outings and errands, but I’ve been sick a lot lately. The kids have been sick too, I’m mentally too drained to assess them between mild or moderate so it’s been half days of math so I don’t have to make a choice between no school and full school. I’ve been lacking mental clarity often lately. But mostly I’ve been feeling grateful, happy and sometimes worried about my friend going through custody issues. I’ve got a lot of little feelings competing under the tired, but pretty tired even with a full sleep most nights.

Fog Monday/Unity Day: Last week I was on a Lego binge. This week we were sick again with fevers from 100°F – 102°F so the week passed by quickly in a fog. I remember being more annoyed than normal about the kids asking questions, I told them no more questions until my foot gets better, I didn’t really mean none, but I meant no asking questions as a substitute for starting a required task, no non-essential questions, no questions which have no value or significance to the kids, no more question diarrhea. It’s weird trying to take care of kids when I am sick, I’m not a hero, I am a sick person who doesn’t like childcare that much on the best day. I don’t like it because I can’t catch up with the changes, the kids grow so much, change so much. I can barely keep up with teaching the school subjects because I know them, so that’s something I do understand plus something I don’t, but the kids are like unicorns to me, I feel so distant to their emotional processes, their reasoning, I’m not against understanding them, but mostly I don’t understand them. At this point in the week I was apprehensive about all the birthdays coming up and also wondering how much my foot would heal before camping. But I did have happy moments building Legos still, it’s very soothing, like knitting bricks I guess and I do have moments of gratitude seeing the kids, with my son appreciating how sweet he is, with my daughter appreciating the growth of her ability to control her rages and violence.

Clutter Fight Club: This week got the kids to tidy their room, wiped some moldy shelves and ordered clutter fight Club shirts.

Tuesday/Self-Determination: Last week my daughter started a “how to” drawing book. This week some shading pencils came and my daughter was excited to try the blender stick. I went to the clinic and got an X-ray because my dad was already going for lab work. Turns out my foot was broken in three meta tarsals. My dad was on the way to the hospital so I went into the clinic behind for an X-ray to check up on my still swollen foot. It was slightly depressing to find out it was broken. Before when it was broken and I didn’t know I was still being careful, but I felt like it would be over soon, for some reason I imagine it will take longer if it is broken and that makes me kind of restless and impatient for it to be better already. I like the boot they gave me, it’s very comfy to the cast I had when I was younger, but actually I don’t like getting by on crutches as much as hopping with a cane or crawling around, somehow those things felt more natural and the crutches feel decidedly not natural. The doctor said it isn’t mending well yet so another week without weight. I’m slightly paranoid that the bones didn’t mend yet, but I’ve been doing dishes, cleaning ext so I defiantly could take it more easily and see if that helps.

Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last week I limped into the library for math clubs, it was a great day. This week I am resting at home because I had a fever and also have a broken foot. We did pot Sequoia Strawberries that arrived in the mail, my daughter helped a lot in the garden, which is awesome, but she whines a lot which is disappointing. I enjoyed sitting outside in the sun to get vitamin D to help make some new foot bones. Going to take Cod Oil, Calcium with L-Lysine and Vitamin C to try to get better in time for camping. My son’s ballet shoes came, it was cool. I have been able to feed my kids strawberries here and there from the garden, not like a huge bowl, but just that they know how the flowers turn to berries after being pollinated, that the berries keep growing from the sun and water, those things make me really happy. Berries are one thing I can grow well where I am, so I think I’ll keep trying to dial that up and let go of more and more things that can’t grow in my Hawaii cold of occasional 40s and 50s. At times I feel like a failure, then I blame the pandemic, then I notice the things I am doing right and move on, one of the things that really makes me feel grateful is any kind of farm life style I can have for myself or share with my friends or teach my kids, it’s something that resonates so deeply in my heart, even though computer programing is good for the kids, even though math is essential in many ways, gardening has my heart. Gratitude can pull me out of all my depressions or frustrations when I can find something that I am really grateful for, it’s a great skill to learn, not fake gratitude, but real gratitude is very powerful.

Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Last week I felt optimistic about life that somehow things are going to keep getting better. This week I felt more glum and listless (restless), because I knew my foot was messed up, but I didn’t think it was going to take a long time to get better. Now knowing it’s broken I stayed in bed with it up and outside on the bench with it up and staying still has had a morose effect on me. I want to be gardening very much and just staying still makes me feel dead, but the bone hasn’t knit so I am experimenting with more stillness in case that was a missing ingredient to the bone healing. Though I like sitting to play computer games, write, read, build Legos, I find sitting to heal makes me feel unwell, my back got sore right away, I have random pain spots, staying still really doesn’t agree with me unless it’s pared with nerdy stuff. But my mind hasn’t been wanting a movie or to do paperwork or to read, unlike my normal self, my healing self doesn’t want to be overloaded with 10,000 images or ideas or facts to collate or compare or file away for later, I’ve been wanting social minimalism, verbal minimalism, I got behind in my writing as well and am back dating it now.

Friday/Purpose Day: Last week I felt really satisfied with life, this week I am almost too tired to reflect. Not quite depressed, but not actually happy either. My son being more fussy and entitled makes me upset with both me nor being more patient and also him becoming bratty. My daughter has helped a ton but complained 3 tons that makes me exhausted almost more than the broken foot or anything else. My sister was quite sick so she has been grumpy and that casts a shadow on the family. All of us are going through sickness, but also grumpy moods, my sister complains about the house being messy and it bothers me because I am normally the one who cleans an unfair amount of the items her and my dad don’t feel like putting away, whatever she cleans up while my foot is healing won’t be even with what I’ve already cleaned up. Our family is so messy, no one really likes cleaning, it’s something that takes away from my general happiness on a normal basis, it’s added a lot of joy into my injury days watching other people do the cleaning I normally do and also hate it. Cleaning has to get done, it may not be fun, but in our family it’s a particular type of cleaning, cleaning that shouldn’t have to be done because adults should put away their own items on a normal basis, it’s trying to follow around and take care of other people’s normal tasks to keep the kitchen and house livable without addressing the problem of really having a harmonious family where people respect each other’s standards enough to pick up after their own messes. It’s kind of a façade of a clean family pasted on top of a hoarding history, emotional disconnection and chronic disrespect within the family. It’s not just getting a mess clean, it’s soul crushing knowing each day the mess will be back and it will fall on whoever cares to clean so much junk for the members that can tolerate any amount of junk or germs or mold that basically pares nicely with their internal anxiety. Actually I’m livid on the inside at every family member that expects me to want to clean the floor of their dropped crumbs, but I’m trying to rest my foot, so in a way I am trying not to notice how I really feel or calm myself down, because I don’t want to get into a rage while my foot is healing, I don’t want the emotional stress of a fight right now. Everyone being sick, everyone not wanting to do the cleaning and the laundry, I’m trying to not take it personally and just move along to a time when my foot feels stable without reinjuring it or displacing the little shard off to the side, so I don’t have to get surgery to put it back straight. I’m focused on getting well, but I’m disappointed my kids are being bad and my family didn’t become the TV family they never have been just because my foot is broken, unless the TV family is from Hoarders, that’s the only TV family we come close to…

GARDEN CLUB GOALS:

Adventure Garden: Safe roads, expanded parking, future bathroom area. Pond repair. Paths.

Jungle Garden: Central Garden further mulch and garden bed weeding. Practice Ladder Knott. Test Ladder.

Farm Garden: Central Clearing, Moon Arch, Veggie Beds, Solar pump pond.

FARM TOGETHER GOALS: ‘Ohia (0/100), sandalwood/koa, mamake/soursop.

CLUTTER FIGHT CLUB: Declutter.

Last Year to This Year

Last Year: We were doing really well as a group, doing coding, doing science, doing music, but it was because of a participant who left, she was always interested in participating and giving feedback, when she left it was harder to keep the educational section thriving because other people were interested in just playing or just a social club or even trying further political agendas in what should be a safe space.

This Year: We aren’t doing as well this year, but we are surviving, if we can make it through this year I can analyze what made things work, what caused them to work less and try to safe guard the things that push us past our capacity to stay organized enough to function. Too many people have personal crisis’s this year for me to even expect this year to be as well run as last year. It would be unrealistic to think we can do all the same things this year we did last year, but possibly in the future, I don’t know yet. I almost forgot how happy I was in the sunshine harvesting the sunflower seeds. It’s weird having a personal life, a family life, a social life, my social life is a burden right now, but it doesn’t scare me as much as last year, my family life is mixed, joy and annoyance, burden and something I really enjoy at times, my personal life is sad, it consists of just trying to let my foot heal. My daughter is 7, I’m starting to forget the person I was and the life I had before I became a parent, I usually only have plans to take the kids with their friends or do things they like to do, when I even try to go out of the house to do something I like it feels fake, I don’t stay up and watch shows, I don’t have my own life, even here I mostly sort out my chaotic mind to be a better person for them. I really love my kids, but I wonder if I should have done more to keep some mental identity as a human being of my own? I know people that do and people that don’t and the ones that don’t seem crazier in general.

Live – Lift – Love

Live – I felt less alive since finding out my broken foot was broken, I’m trying to be still a lot to let the bone heal and it’s pretty uncomfortable being convalescent.

Lift – I liked helping my son with math, he was discouraged for a bit needing to review and then at the end he felt himself get into a flow and was happy to be understanding again.

Love – I love seeing my daughter gardening so well, watering the big plants, misting the small plants, helping me pot strawberry roots/crowns and helping me save sunflower seeds. One flower gave us 491 seeds.

🌻