Tonight is the first night I feel optimistic about winning the war on slugs here in Puna, for the past few months I’ve been downhearted thinking I can’t do anything to get rid of the slug infestation.

Sluggo gets moldy and it always rains here in the rainforest of Hawaii… but Home Depot actually had another type of pet safe-slug killing iron supplements (Corry’s sodium ferrous EDTA, a chelated iron ion) that was even cheaper than Sluggo. I’m sure not everyone loves the use of any pesticide, but I’d rather use this pet safe iron that has been used for over 70 years than just have a ton of slugs known to have parasites roaming my home, patio and sneaking into the kitchen sometimes… yuck.

Tonight was the first application of the new stuff. It takes a few weeks to work, so hopefully, when I leave Hawaii in 18 days I will have killed most of my biggest problem already. The slugs here (especially Parmarion martensi) carry Angiostrongylus cantonensis parasites which are often fatal to children, which I have two of right now. So I’ve lived a bit in fear this year since a slug snuck in the house and greeted me while I made my morning coffee, a slug carrying a brain-eating parasite… and I was already afraid of them since a traumatic incident as a girl. My family and I banded together to remove over 300 slugs off our property at the end of June and beginning of July, ending in Slugpendence day. But when my husband visited a few months later we noticed that there were still plenty around and the Sluggo applications hadn’t reduced the population much (probably because it rains so much that it is immediately moldy and not attractive to slugs).

This month I heard “he keiki aloha nā mea kanu” (like beloved children are the plants), for the first time. I understood deeply what it meant. I lost a tomato plant I left near the weeds when my father cut the weeds back and it hurts deeply. It was my fault, I assumed responsibility for not moving it or labeling it, I didn’t blame anyone, wasn’t mad, yet it hurt so deeply to lose that plant, the child of the plant I planted last summer… there is such a deep grief to losing plants if you are a “plant person.” I didn’t think of myself as a plant person, because I haven’t had much success yet, but I am. A cat lady starts with one cat (probably); so even without having a huge, successful garden, I am still a plant person, because for some reason plants charge me, inspire me, and love me (and I them). That may sound crazy, but that’s how I feel about it. If plants can’t show love by feeding us, healing us, sheltering us, inspiring us, comforting us, guiding us, then how is love even shown and what does it consist of? Plants love in a quiet way, an unspoken way, a way that many people would not appreciate, even as they survive on the benefits… but anyways, even though I love plants I didn’t want to put the garden ahead of my kids, didn’t want to love plants easier than people anymore. So the phrase “he keiki aloha nā mea kanu” shamed me into remembering to put my two kids first. Even though I spent five minutes sprinkling slug killing iron pellets tonight when my son was crying under his aunt’s care, overall this month I have shifted to putting the kids first for the vast majority of the time.

It’s hard because the garden is a huge part of my dreams, it’s a huge part of my well being, it’s a journey of finding myself, it’s my jam, but the property is large (for me), dauntingly full of challenges, and ruggedly full of thorny weeds, towering ginger and uneven mounds of lava rocks. There must be 100 things I wanted to do in the garden this year that I didn’t get to yet, but I know that if I had done them I would have wanted to do 100 more than that also and that nothing really replaced me in the hearts of my kids, sure they enjoy time with grandpa and auntie, but they are still small enough to really hunger for all the love and attention I can possibly slow down enough to give them.

After thinking about my thinking in September I believe that things are changing for the better. It’s a struggle to change, maybe it doesn’t have to be, but the only way forward I have found right now is through the challenge with the fear. I know that I want to prioritize what I will never be able to do again (watch my last baby grow up and cherish both kids) even though I prefer gardening and I would love to have some physical success to show myself that I can trust myself again. I’m confronted with how I’ve been careless in my life, how I’ve been scatterbrained instead of finishing projects, how I’ve put the most important things behind the least important things. I’ve been confronted with a lot of unpleasant truths about myself, but I haven’t lied to myself when the pain comes, I’ve faced reality and decided what I have time and energy to improve right now, in the present moment, and just let go of the idea of failure, that I should have done more, been more, saved more than I really could have at this real moment in time and I’ve strived to become a more patient, loving mother (knowing I will still be blunt and gruff and myself) and I’ve strived to take care of the land we live in starting with the inside out, meaning our family values, the harmony between our family members, the laundry and the dishes and just beginning to grow our own produce. I don’t think I’ve been that successful this month, I haven’t had much success with the parenting class I’ve been taking, I haven’t cleaned up the huge mess in the garden and I haven’t got my head on straight about the curriculum being too much and not having enough downtime in the day to do dishes without ignoring the babies cries for a few minutes without feeling guilty, but I have done the best I can to take small actions towards what I want in every way, where ever I could find the opportunity. I’ve been trying my best without giving up to do the things that matter to me all month and when I need a break, I’ve taken a little break and when I am sad I’ve grieved, but always while finding some small step I can still take forward.

Almost every morning, since I’ve moved to having an Eastern facing bedroom window, I’ve been enjoying watching the pink and golden dawns of the forest, then I think of my inevitable death (since it cheers me up).

Yesterday I had a few hours of despair after getting scared by semi slugs (Parmarion martensi), which are known to carry brain eating paracites (Angiostrongylus cantonensis) in our area. So far only 5 people this year have been reported as infected in our state, but it is deadly to children and incurable in anyone.

I really enjoy gardening, but our property in particularly infested with slugs known to be carrying the paracites. This summer we were eating lunch out of the garden everyday, and I was double washing the produce, which is supposed to be safe after being washed. We hunted slugs as a family for two weeks, prior to 4th of July, and took out over 300 slugs (mostly semi slugs, but also some cuban slugs), but they are still around… I’ve been applying pet safe, forest safe sluggo bait, however due to frequent rain that hasn’t had enough of an effect yet. The slugs act crazy because they are carrying the brain paracite, so they sometimes come out before or after dark (scaring me), one came into the kitchen sink once with the door closed (scaring me a lot, as their slime is potentially deadly also but much less than their bodies), they go our pathways, driveway, walls, my daughter’s gardening tools, our patio, and sometimes into our house… I hate it very much. Yesterday two went onto our welcome mat (that is not next to any plants or food sources) and left it all slimy, that sent me into an antigardening dispair I don’t usually fall into.

I’ve been working on an emotional diversity project, just recording how I feel each day to make a monthly (and maybe someday yearly) calendar. Supposedly noticing the variety of emotions I go through should make it easier to get unstuck in any emotion. It’s called granularity. From a book called “How Emotions are Made.” I’m finding it useful so far, especially because I’ve been more depressive than normal for me post partum. Exercise helps a lot, but being mindful of my emotions helps too, it helps me ask for help with the kids when I’m burnt out. The burn out, being rushed, being overwhelmed or not exercising tip me towards depression, but I’m grateful it’s not a very deep depression, a 10 minute exercise or a cup of green tea is enough to bring me back out of it. It’s very erie having hormone based depression, because I’ve always thought my brain/mind/soul create my emotions and they were a part of me, but definately with this depression it has nothing to do with me, nor my life, it’s just something that happened to me because of my physical body and I can manage it easily if I can be mindful that it’s happening.

Another cool part of the emotional diversity project, is to be able to pick a meta emotion for the month, which reflects the month (without being baised to my memory of the end of the month being stronger).

After thinking about my thinking in August I believe I’m still rushing myself to multitask, to meet self imposed deadlines that don’t matter, and not enjoying enough of the day. I have kids to take care of, but there must be a way to do that and still enjoy life? One thing that makes it hard is that my son is five months old, so worse than any needs he has is the way his needs change everyday. He rolls very easily, so he can’t be left anywhere… I can carry him, but he doesn’t like it, so I can get chores done that way, but he will start getting frusterated, whenever I try to spend time being close to him (which I love) my daughter gets jelous and I get angry because I’m sick of her understandable jelousy already and I completely stopped having sympathy for her the day she kicked her brother in the spine. But anyways, I feel positive about starting the new month with “ganbate spirit,” to do the best I can with what I have, to do what I need to do to, to have time to do some of what I want to do, to live my best life as best I can and not regret it later.