๐ŸŽ 2022 Nineteenth Week ๐Ÿ–ฅ๏ธ

“It sounds a paradox, but kindness and good intentions can be an insidious path to destruction. Sometimes doing what seems right is wrong, and can cause harm. Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

Looking at this quote today, it reminds me of both making kids study too much or not enough, I try to stay within the middle of the two.
SAT ๐ŸŽต SUN – MON. โšก TUE – WED – THR – FRI (Goals via Lucid Chart)

Last Week: Had people over on Friday for the first time, fixed my planner image, and edited 12 Science Fair videos.

This Week: Going to put the patio back in order and try to discard more to get ready to share the office better possibly…

HEALTH OVERVIEW:

Saturday Faith
Sunday Unity
Monday Plans
Tuesday Teamwork
Wednesday Connection
Thursday Purpose
Friday Creativity

Mental Health: Now that my dad knows we are moving, I feel better. He is okay to see us summers and I am okay coming back summers so, hopefully, that gives the kids more stability as we look for a new home and move to a new state.

Physical Health: Started boxing at martial arts, it’s very fun, wanted to start working out again but didn’t pull the trigger and do it yet.

Social Health: I am having fun teaching computer coding.


LIFE JOURNAL:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.โ€

– Roberto Assagioli

โ€œThere is no small act of kindness. Every compassionate act makes large the world.โ€

Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday: Last week we went out to eat at a good burger place. This week we got legos, it was the first time in a long time I played with legos. 30 years later, I still like legos.

Sunday: Last week my daughter was going through her agriculture test again and cheated by just clicking 8 questions. This week she has passed agriculture and theatre.

Monday: Last week watering just the patio was kind of a struggle and it is again this week, tired since I’m still sick. This week is the third week in a row where I am tired and sick on Monday. But I’m checking in to Coach.me to help with productivity. By 8 AM I was so grumpy, I don’t like having kids that wake up early, I don’t like dog sitting my dad’s dog that isn’t house trained, I don’t like throwing away my husband’s empty beer bottles, I think I just want to live by myself, maybe someday my husband and I will get divorced and the kids can live with him?

Friday I did some cleaning, it only took 10 minutes to vacuum and mop the hall, clean the baseboards with vinegar and clean the hall walls with a rag and vinegar…

But then I started the office and it didn’t go as quickly. I guess since we do a lot of living in the office a lot gets moved around and due to lack of energy or time, not really put back in place…

As happy as I was how fast the hall went, I was sad at how slow the office has been going. The bathroom I wiped down the toilet, cleaned the diaper pail, started the laundry, wiped the mirror, wiped the sink, vacuumed and mopped pretty fast, but I didn’t declutter or demold, I had recently demolded or it would have taken a long time to do that. The livingroom and bedroom all I did was pick up major items, vacuum and mop. In the kitchen I wiped down and put away dry dishes and that was it, later that day I cleaned the oven.

The Office Got Messy
Friday – Started Cleaning
About an Hour Later

It doesn’t look much different, but the chargers for the tablets got moved out, the tablets got moved to the bedroom shelves, the books got moved out to the bedroom shelves, the slime/science things were moved off the floor to the top storage, the trash was taken out and dropped off at the transfer station. A lot of little things were discarded or put back with like items. I kind of got a sense of what items I had too.

In school my son finished Kindergarten Science, he is only 3, so I was proud of him. At dinner he told his dad “yeah, doing good in science,” he has also said “having problem math” when he got to map reading. I find it so cool he has a good awareness of his own awareness at that age, it took me forever to notice that about myself, I would just go one page at a time through a book and never think about if I needed to review something else or if I understood easily or with difficultly.

After finishing Kindergarten Science he went right back to First Grade Math instead of asking for a break. Both my kids are smart, but my daughter would do the least amount of studying she could, whereas my son would do the most, just like my husband and I, one who likes studying and one who doesn’t.

My husband keeps making me mad telling the kids that if they get educated they will make more money, he makes more than my sister who has three degrees AA/BA/TC, and myself who has two AA/BA. We do fall near the chart, with my BA I have always made less than my husband who started and didn’t finish college. It makes me so angry that he tells my daughter the point of education is to earn more, she would earn more from a sex change than a BA.

There is some correlation between education and income, but it’s not the strongest factor or the strongest reason to pursue education and it continually irritates me that he doesn’t support education for education. Not to mention that I don’t support income for income, but only for life quality, so we disagree A. that education on an individual basis is the best choice towards stable income vs a solid business model and entrepreneurship or passive income, and B. we disagree again that money should be a key decider of life choices.

That chart makes me so mad because it reflects a lot of personal data, a woman with a BA will make 1.32-1.43 million in a working lifetime and a male high school graduate will make 1.53-1.54, so college won’t beat high school female to male, the less than high school jobs for females will make 0.51-0.59 while the men make 1.13-1.18 that is double. I choose to stay at home with kids, but I know a ton more working moms, I don’t know a lot of moms who stay at home, so is that enough to cause the difference?

I looked it up, and it is more than a parental difference, women choose/get jobs that are different in wage, women get part-time work more often, then there is the cost of 7% income reduction per child for women, but not men, who are parents, then there is systemic bias/injustice. * So sure staying at home by choice and having kids is a factor, but it’s not a 50% factor in most cases, there is still a lot of being offered lower-paying jobs or being the one given part-time.

I don’t like it because it isn’t fair, but I don’t care too much either because money isn’t happiness.

* So people do get happier with more money as a general rule, but a lot less so after reaching about $75, which is pretty near what my family makes between my husband’s income and support from my father and sister. Not saying that living in poverty is fun, but the mental difference between ok and being well off is less than the difference between struggling and not struggling.
The World Happiness Report *

My friends just left the United States (16th) for Isreal (9th) I’ll ask them what they think some time, but I think actually that they are already happier there and that is why they went back.

So I’ve been reading a lot about what makes Finland the happiest place on Earth the past four years and I think it’s a few healthy habits, forest bathing, exercise, as well as not having to struggle. Education is paid for, not having a student debt would have made me happy, school children spend more time with their fathers than mothers (the only place in the world) that would have made me happy, women are in power together with men, not just the prime minister but also many others, that wouldn’t make me happy on it’s own, but I’m guessing women in power causes more benefits for women in general, the health care system is good and free, so that would have made me happy during the time I had untreated IBS because my doctors couldn’t figure it out and having free health care would have made me happy when I paid $10,000 for both my children’s deliveries. Free health care, free child care, free education, affordable housing, and a living wage. As an American, I’m only familiar with the last point, but for some reason, I’ve never been too nationalistic. I guess that comes from being Native American, the legacy of the native colonist relationship is kind of the opposite of fair treatment, good life quality, and mutual respect. So maybe happiness takes more than health care, child care, education, a home, and a wage, but having those problems solved probably frees up mental energy as well as financial resources, I guess with high taxes you pay for all those “free” things, but it’s hundreds of little bills and choices less to be in charge of, making more time for family and exercise.

So the wage gap in Finland is pretty close to the US. *

Money isn’t happiness, and education isn’t earning power, but I still believe in education.

So the wage gap issue is similar in the US and Finland, but the happiness levels are not US ranking 16th and Finland 1st. So whatever lifestyle choices that push women in Finland to be happy are not directly related to more money and if we only focus on money distribution in the US, it isn’t going to be the most effective path towards well being or happiness, though for the bottom earners it’s still important to help them reach the middle.

Finland has been in the top 4 countries for good education since 2005 * and is often considered the best out of the “western” countries (excluding Hong Kong, Singapore ext). My daughter was born in 2015, so I did a lot of research about the differences between US vs Finland. One thing is the first standardized test is at 12, another no homework until 8, another is they have the same teacher for 6 years so there is a relationship there, they start preschool at 6 and regular school at 7, instead of 4 and 5, they spend 20 hours a week at school with no homework. What made me the most interested was that Italian students that didn’t speak Finnish did better with Finnish math textbooks than with Italian ones. So that got me obsessed with trying to hack the education gap, and I want to believe I have.

Even though I use a supplementary curriculum from the US, Acellus/Power Home School, it’s always been secondary to my own Charlotte Mason/Neuroscience ie John Medina’s Brain Rules, an inspired curriculum relying on outdoor education, movement, problem-solving (proven to go down each year in US public school) and recently “hypercorrection”, “spacing effects” and “interleaving.”

Watching my kids learn I really think I am able to accelerate their learning beyond what a small class or homeschool will do by going with the neuroscience says about learning vs the conventions of the educational field. This makes me happy, yet what doesn’t make me happy is when people say “study harder so you can make more money.” I prefer, “study smarter so you can learn more and contribute to your own well-being and that of others.

Liam Thompson really inspired me by training his dog Max to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the piano. He was really enthusiastic and broke the task down and then was patient and enthusiastic, he changed his system as needed to fit the dog. No offense to kids but I find that process is the essential process to teaching kids well, enthusiasm, breaking skills down, patience, more enthusiasm, and changing the system as needed to fit the student.

Tuesday: Last week I was sick and trying to rest. This week I’m tired, my daughter finished her Agriculture Final with a 75%, that’s fine the FFA stuff is hard to remember. My son and daughter got into animation with Flipaclip on their tablets, I wanted to, but I couldn’t quite decide what to do first, so, therefore, didn’t do anything yet. Made a Mood Meter Wheel today.

The first feeling that came up on the wheel was pessimistic, I feel that way about a few things right now. Pessimistic that I’m going to be stressed out when my dad comes back this Saturday, pessimistic that the car I drive won’t last too much longer, pessimistic that the scout group won’t keep going when I am gone, pessimistic that my husband will be unpleasant during the home finding process, pessimistic that I won’t be able to make a difference to this house and garden that they will get muddy, dirty, hoarded and overgrown when I am not here. I guess it’s all okay, whatever happens, is what I will have to deal with and I will find the strength to do whatever the best I can do is. I just don’t feel like it’s going to be easy, I don’t feel like we will be settled for a long time, I can’t see the end yet.

Wednesday: Last week, late Science Fair entries and a retry of bubble juggling: the recipe water 6, soap 2, corn syrup 1, and microfiber or wool gloves, it worked this time around. Another great day at the beach sunny, the kids played with the inflatable toys, we did boxing, karate, and MMA and decided to push the karate class forward in time to 1PM (still have to update the website), the kids all made slime together at the end, which felt good because some had won prizes and some had not, so it was fun to see the ones that had not won get to have the same amount of fun. One little girl said it was the best day of her life, I don’t know if it was true, but a lot of kids look really happy and engaged and relaxed so that makes me happy, some of it is the beach site, the ocean has a lot of power, a lot of it is the other kids, being able to play, being included, some of it is the science too, science you can touch is fun science.

Thursday: Last week decluttering, wondering about life, and making it through the end of the school year. This week made a results video and added space fire to an alternative version of a Science Fair Project. I started my dad’s laundry of his bed, wasn’t happy to do it. We have a sour relationship, I’m tired of him criticizing me and he sees that as how normal people talk and interact. I try to be grateful and patient, but I just lose respect for him each time he makes my life harder by being so unpleasant or paranoid, or needy when I’m already busy. That is how I see him now, unpleasant, paranoid, and needy. When I was growing up he wasn’t supportive, but he wasn’t demanding, he wasn’t warm, but he wasn’t critical, he is becoming more unlikable the past few years. I started cleaning the bedroom, the windows, the floors, the baseboards, the sheets, the toys, the closet. I was wiping down toys when my husband came home. I said I was tired and he said “you always were slow at cleaning.” And that’s why I hate him. I love him at times and hate him at times and I never have a settled feeling of which is dominant or if apathy is dominant to both. He isn’t faster at cleaning than I am, he just doesn’t do it, he doesn’t care about all the filth I removed being removed from the kids breathing and living space. He acts superior, but he isn’t. It used to make me sad when he would put down my cleaning speed, but the room I cleaned is cleaner than his room that he cleans. He was very grumpy, the trash wasn’t taken out and his laundry wasn’t done, but when I went to do it he said leave it, then he wanted to do it later and I was washing my dad’s blankets. That’s what you get for being stupid about things. I see some people I know in hostile marriages, mine isn’t that bad, mine is unromantic and up and down, but it’s not usually hostile. I’d rather go back to work and live alone than live like that, I’ve given enough in my marriage if it doesn’t work I won’t feel guilty, I’m just kind of not thinking that much about it until the kids are bigger, because they love him. Even though my daughter is starting to be sick of her dad picking on her, over stupid stuff, like he kept telling her she wouldn’t win the science fair over and over, which was stupid. But I tend to stay out of their relationship, I don’t want to feel like I’m splitting up kids, which I don’t tend to do often. I know I am less patient than I was before the pandemic, maybe my dad and husband are also worn down, but it doesn’t mean that they are easy to live with, I feel like they are both weights pulling me down and the kids are bigger weights pulling me down, but I’d rather help the kids, I’d rather if the adults swam themselves and if they don’t, I can’t respect them.

Friday: Last Friday we had some friends over for the first time, it was fun, we started a Krita Digital Illustration Class, talked about math and algebra, played with cars and blocks, and made bread together. This week I’ve got stuff to clean, but not as bad as last week. We are going to try math and computer coding summer camp.

My week is ending, and though I am frustrated I feel like I did a lot of good things, cleaned up somewhat, organized somewhat, my daughter finished Agriculture, leaving Coding and Theatre left. I helped my sister decide on where to put a home office it’s a small office, but it looks a lot better than the last one, which was in a loud area of the house and too high, this one is cozier and out of the main foot traffic of the house. The little chickens moved out this week to the play house.


Something new this week: We started Summer School Coding Camp.

Something good this week: My daughter finished Agriculture, it was a hard class, but I know she learned a lot about many things, animals, disease, reproduction, the food chain, how many products come from animals, tools, and even arc welding. I’m proud of her.

Something unexpected: The whole table of kids making slime.

๐Ÿ–ฅ๏ธ

๐ŸŽ 2022 Eighteenth Week ๐Ÿงฎ

“People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it’s true, or because they are afraid it might be true. Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

Looking at this quote today, it reminds me of myself, wanting to merge my family of birth and family of marriage, was in my case a bit stupid, but I wanted it to be true. Perhaps it was worth it to try.
SAT ๐ŸŽต SUN – MON. โšก TUE – WED – THR – FRI (Goals via Lucid Chart)

Last Week: Fought a tournament, the chickens moved outside, the first Science Fair week, my sister was promoted, worked on the patio, but the net got knocked down.

This Week: Tidied up these posts by using one picture to hold the values, weekly planner, reminders, goals and motivational artwork and quotes all together. Going to put the patio back in order and try to discard more to get ready to share the office better possibly…

HEALTH OVERVIEW:

Saturday Faith
Sunday Unity
Monday Plans
Tuesday Teamwork
Wednesday Connection
Thursday Purpose
Friday Creativity

Mental Health: I feel overwhelmed, but I see good things happening around me, so perhaps doing daily check ins on Coach.me will help me feel settled.

Physical Health: Fighting some mild illness with a runny nose.

Social Health: Enjoying my scout group, enjoying my pen-pals, thinking of old friends a lot lately, appreciating my family more.


LIFE JOURNAL:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.โ€

– Roberto Assagioli

Saturday: Last week I found the “Things to Be Happy About website” again, which motivated me to draw my own planner in that style I like so much (something I put off for a long time). This week the family was pretty sick, I don’t remember much about what we did, I was trying to save energy for the BJJ tournament coming up Sunday.

Sunday: Last week we spent 8 hours at the stadium for a tournament with four kids from our scout group and myself. The wait was grueling, it’s a hot city and I live in a cold city. It felt good to see the kids fight and good to fight myself, but 8 hours is a long time in a stadium with two little kids, and not expecting how long it would take to bring provisions of food or activities made it feel endless. When it was done I was grateful that I have a family now, the last time I fought a tournament I was a bit higher on the tournament rankings, but I had nothing to go home to but an empty bed.

Monday: Last week watering just the patio was kind of a struggle and it is again this week, tired since I’m still sick.

Tuesday: Last week was calm, the Japanese meet-up got canceled so it was great to get a rest day to refresh my goals in my own mind. My kids forced me outside and I had a good time, this week I worked on three science project videos, it’s been a lot of video editing lately but it helps that I found a fix to the crashes due to an acceleration setting check box, I thought it was my computer not being fast enough or having enough processing power, but it wasn’t that at all. Last week I was very hopeful about gardening and farming, this week I am sick and just want to get better without a lot to maintain, it’s hard to build a life somewhere between the two extremes of not wanting extra work when I’m tired and wanting to do all I possibly can when I’m well.

Wednesday: Last week was the science fair, and it was awesome, this week is late entries and a retry of bubble juggling: the recipe should be water 1.5 cups, soap 0.5 cups, corn syrup 0.25 cups, and microfiber or wool gloves, it worked this time around.

We did the second day of late entry science fair presentations and got three more presentations magnetism, volcano, and animation, so the pressure is on to finish those presentations to post them for voting.

Thursday: Last week I went to the post office to get my new gi, now the gi is used, it was bloodied, cleaned. washed, hung up, and forgotten, in a week an item goes from used to essentially clutter.

Friday: Last Friday I saw the music video for “I want to break free” for the first time, I have that feeling sometimes that I want to find a better life. This week I had some friends over for the first time, it was fun, we started a Krita Digital Illustration Class, talked about math and algebra, played with cars and blocks, and made bread together.

My week is over, though I was still sick it felt like a good week where a lot got done towards a better life. I helped my sister decide on where to put a home office, I enjoyed the company of friends twice, I cleaned our house a lot for a few hours before they came.


Something new this week: My sister’s promotion feels pretty significant, even though it is her job and not mine, it means I may see her at home more and that she may be doing better in the future which is good in and of itself, but also for me and the kids since she helps us a lot. It feels like a win for all of us.

Something good this week: Finished the science videos, I enjoyed doing it, but also want to move on for awhile and make sure we finish the academic year strong.

Something unexpected: Lost at the tournament, it didn’t feel bad, but I guess I expected to win more than lose, always room to be more humble I guess.

๐Ÿงฎ

๐Ÿชท 2022 Pink Moon ๐ŸŽ‘

A Month of Emotions

Looking at this month in review I can see it was a month of emotional transition and change, I went from someone who wanted to caretake for my parent in the future and for my family, to only the latter. I didn’t abandon my dream of farming, but it took a back seat to tidying up my accounts and the interior of the house first.

The first week was recovery from a camping trip/and our friends leaving the state/country. I felt drained, hopeful, inspired, upbeat, motivated, hopeful, and thoughtful. With people leaving I thought about where I should be, and if I should be leaving too. It was a nice week where I was able to do a lot, yet all week I was wondering what the right thing for me is and where the right place for me is.

The second week was an emotional realization I don’t want to live with my dad, and as hard as it will be to move out of state from the island where we are, it’s our next right step. That took a lot of time to process. I felt discouraged that I don’t have a home base set up for myself and my kids yet, at the age of 36, but also angry that my dad didn’t want to have a family where adults talked about solutions together. Then I felt very serene that maybe life was meant to be the way it was, for some reason I didn’t understand (I don’t usually feel that way), I felt content that I had given my dad another try at a relationship and done my half to make it work, I felt super inspired by a beautiful sandcastle at the beach, I took it as a metaphor for human things being able to be more than mundane and construction in general as a metaphor for life improvement as being possible. It was something I didn’t expect somewhere I always go, it was really special in a moment I needed a small joy. I ended the week really excited to have a science fair with our kids’ group, something that I never considered before, but that I now saw as possible. At the end of the week I was able to be comfy/comfortable with the unknown (I don’t usually feel that way).

The third week I felt motivated to clean what I have, and help my friends the best I can while I am still on the island, I felt joyful to be free from responsibilities in my heart, I was enthusiastic about some things getting better, I felt fulfilled within myself that I am comfortable with who I am, even if other people aren’t, or if I have a long road ahead of me to success. I felt totally at peace and peaceful Wednesday, which is a rare and good feeling. I felt motivated and content at the end of the week.

The fourth week I felt motivated to clean, joyful to be free, balanced for the first time in a long time, motivated again, inspired, focused, but disappointed that where I am, feels so far from where I want to be setting up my own home.

The fifth week I was inspired by a science project sent in from my friends in Isreal, I was energized to clean up, motivated to clean up, then drained by all the cleaning, I was positively surprised by the high participation and enthusiasm in the science fair (9 entries so far), then I was exhausted with sickness, and ended the month festive listening to disco and happy to be alive and be still improving the best I can.

This website belongs to the author of Things To Be Happy About, a book that changed my perspective bit by bit to find my own joy. I had been wanting to see it, but didn’t remember the name well enough, it took me a few days to find it again, but it was comforting to see it.

Today is April 30th, the state is pretty well transitioned over to regular events and things, tomorrow I fight my first tournament since having kids, the first in about 7 years… for me it’s a good way to kick off life returning to normal. I’ve been a little ill the past few days, I took a covid test and it was negative, so I will still do my best not to spread my germs around but I am going to fight tomorrow, I wonder what it will be like? Boring, exciting, tiring, fun… I don’t know what to expect.

Meta Emotion: Looking back at the fourth month I was more settled as a person, not as a resident or a home owner, but settled into who I am and gathering strength to face the unknown of a new move and hopefully our first home of our own early next year…

There is a sense of renewal not as a new person, but as coming back to the beginning of a cycle. I’ve spent a lot of time not enjoying living with my family, cleaning up messes, and steeling myself to fight, this time around I have kids instead of being a kid, this time I have my husband, this time I am a teacher and not a student, but there is a sense I am beginning something I’ve done before, a familiarity of life that is tied to the pandemic ending, but that is also the last of my life as a child and the start of my life as a teacher, a martial arts instructor and perhaps “a real adult”.

I feel strong inside, I’m not in tip-top cardio shape, but I feel strong in my muscles, my technique, and my soul. I feel whole. ๐ŸŒ„

Physical Health: Didn’t work out and was sick a bit, but somehow feeling strong. Maybe teaching is enough?

Social Health: Found peace with my friends moving not 100%, but a lot. I’m grateful for the friends I’ve had, the ones yet to come, the ones far, and the ones here with me, they live in my heart.

Mental Health: Is great my dad is on vacation, we are oil and water and the break is a huge opportunity to declutter, find peace, enjoy life, and mentally prepare for him to return.

Something New: Our Adventure Scouts did our first Science Fair, it alone was awesome, I’m still working on the videos and will be working on the late entries, but I was very happy to be a part of it, I actually felt blessed and usually do when I’m with those people and those kids.

What helped: Not fearing hard work in the future, the pandemic being over so that we can take an airplane to check out a new state, having money to be middle class comfortable, it sounds horrible to say, but it’s great not worrying about items that cost less than $10, not searching sofas for pennies to get new markers for the kids, not feeling like we somehow don’t deserve the things we want, because we can’t afford them. I grew up pretty middle class, but we always felt poor, now raising my kids we are the opposite, boarder line poor/middle class, but feeling like we can have most of the things we want just because we enjoy them.

๏ปฟ

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is img_20220128_162158944.jpg
“What are you going to do with your life lady?”

Every week I’m doing good things.
And sometimes, great things!

BIG GOAL: Keep organizing my stuff to move, keep fixing the storm damage here. (Started)

Physical Goal: Get well then exercise again. (In Progress)

Social: Keep up the Scout Group. (Going Very Well)

Mental: Fix the pond leak sometime this month, which means finding it, I have a lot of liner, I have waterfall foam, now it’s just move everything out, check everything out and go. (Didn’t)

โš—๏ธ

๐ŸŒฑ 2022 Seventeenth Week โš—๏ธ

Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.” Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

Yosemite by Daniel Jongen

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. ๐ŸŽต SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. โšก TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

Made Using Lucid Chart

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

– Andy Warhol

Last Week: A lot of decluttering but not done.

This Week: I feel lost. Midweek, I feel more hopeful because the flowers are blooming, it may be silly, but it is true.

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS: Stuff coming up: Clean up.

Sat dad goes to airport, Wed Science Fair, Sun May 1st Tournament

Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990

GOAL JOURNAL: AIM FOR THE STARS AND FALL ON THE MOON

SUN cleaning should be music.

Phone Calls Monday (If Needed) or Clear Memory, Update the School Forms and Notes Tuesday, Update the Website for the Scouts Wednesday, Blog or Website Thursday and Check Finances Friday.

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Saturday Faith
Sunday Unity
Monday Plans
Tuesday Teamwork
Wednesday Connection
Thursday Purpose
Friday Creativity

Mental Health: I feel a little overwhelmed still, but I also feel like I am doing a good job.

Physical Health: Doing well. Felt sick Sunday night and again Monday night, kidney pain at night, but I know I am not drinking enough water.

Social Health: Good and bad, my dad is still draining, knowing he has issues, not being able to not notice, nor help. Grateful for my friends.


LIFE JOURNAL:

Kalahari Sunset by the Wandering Ambivert.

Saturday: Last week I went to help my friend clean and it brought me some peace and joy. This week my friends from Isreal sent an awesome fossil-finding video for the Science Fair we are hosting. I am looking forward to that. The friend we were helping clean passed inspection, which was good, but there are still pests and work to be done at her house so I hope she will continue onward to a comfortable point though it’s great she passed inspections. Friday I got my driver’s license changed from California to Hawaii, I didn’t know if it made sense, but I don’t know that often anymore. I don’t know where I will be next year, but I am here this year, so I guess it does make sense.

Sunday: Last week my dad threw a fit that my daughter didn’t take his dish right away and it just reminded me of why we are moving away from him, my daughter is six, she doesn’t need his drama and expectations that she will be his maid. I didn’t yell at him, but almost. And if I don’t yell, in my heart I turn my back on my dad’s way of living. The best revenge is being different from people you don’t respect. This week my dad is gone helping out at his childhood home, which he owns a part of now, the time apart is good for me. We released a mouse we caught in the kitchen, changed the straw of the chickens, cleaned a closet, tried to iron on scout patches to a vest (I burnt the piping), we through out trash from the garden, the kitchen, the halls, the bathrooms, the front garden, the pond area, a carload… it felt good, more than normal, less than an extreme clean. Did a lot of laundry. It felt like I was moving in slow motion. In a week I have a tournament and I haven’t been exercising nor eating well, I expected that though, I knew it would be busy with the Science Fair and cleaning up… Tuesday is the first Japanese language meet up we have been talking about having for a long time. I’m so tired today, I know I did a lot, but I think I am getting sick because I haven’t been this tired in a long time.

Monday: Last week I appreciated this journal, that when I am overwhelmed I can still see goals completed or brainstormed from days I had a clearer mind. This week I found this quote:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.โ€

– Roberto Assagioli

I like it, it makes me feel peaceful. I have this world in my mind, the things I want to get done, cleaning up, exercising, cooking better, and I have the real world, knowing I am tired, knowing I am raising kids pretty well and they are my priority, knowing my living situation stresses me out. And I’m searching for the intersection of the two, what can I do in the real world towards living out my dream world.

Right now I am having my coffee, it is 6:16 AM, I’ve been up, I’ve started the laundry, as I did I passed a dog pee puddle in my dad’s bathroom so I put a cloth pee pad there. In a few hours maybe the dog won’t have peed on the floor in there, since my dad isn’t home he won’t use the bath towels on the pee spot… which are hard towels to get the smell out of. So my life is better in that way well he is gone. Only dog pee on the cleaning rags and dog pee pads.

I folded the household cleaning towels and hand-washed the drying towels. These simple things keep the house running well, if there are towels people clean spills if there are no towels the spills pile up and cake onto the kitchen.

In the life I want to live, there are no indoor dogs to clean up after. In that fantasy life, I am thinking about illustrating or drawing books.

I’m still waking up and still on my second coffee, but one laundry was put away already and another just finished washing. I think the morning time is a great time to start the laundry.

I’m restarting the Daniel Tiger Serries with the kids, the first show’s theme is “If something seems bad, turn it around and find something good.

We had a good breakfast with eggs from our hens and guava and cherry jelly on waffles, we did some Agriculture review and moved on to the end of Collaborative Theatre. I vacuumed the floor and wiped down the chairs and tables, it sure needed that. I’ve been sorting keep vs trash. My daughter picked her core value of “Courage” so we got her an orange belt, in my martial art’s school we pick our colors by value.

Today I watered the patio, but I am tired… I cleaned my daughter’s school desk, the whiteboard… a bunch of little things, but now I am so tired. Going to a new meet-up tomorrow, I wonder how tiring it will be? Then the science fair I think will be fun, but I’ll be setting up the green screen for the first time… then this Friday maybe a friend coming over, then Sunday a tournament and a friend’s house, a busy week for me.

Tuesday: Last week my week I went to help clean, when I left I finally felt comfortable that it would be enough to pass inspection, which was the goal. This week is totally different, calmer. The Japanese meet-up got canceled so it was great to get a rest day.

Took it easy on the kids, did a waffle breakfast, and started school late. Still did math and theatre/computer coding, but it was a slow pace to start. The weather has been super rainy lately, it’s good for the plants and to have extra water, but even I the pluviophile, am looking forward to a few days of sun to go tidy the garden.

Trying to refresh my goals in my own mind, I am netting off the patio when the poles come because screening it seemed too hard for my limited construction skills. I want to go through the garden, make it look nicer, do repairs… but everything feels like it takes so long, and then I’m worried my dad’s next construction will be right on top of whatever I did – because it might be. The first pond I made, he ripped out and built a gazebo above it… there is so much space here, I don’t fully understand why he is like that. My greenhouse is pretty well blocked by his mill/woodwork tent… I don’t know why we target the same space around the property, but it’s more than annoying and makes me afraid to start anything. It’s half an acre, it’s mostly unoccupied and unused, but whatever I do seems to be in the way of whatever he does, and… that gets old.

Today made chicken soup, planted ginger from bulbs… did some yard work,

Had ginger left over, it seems like Hawaiian ginger because it is a lot more mild than typical ginger.
This is lotus, there is one growing way behind the others… I have a feeling it will be as good as the others.
This morning glory bloomed today, I used to grow them a lot when I was not a mom yet and when I was expecting my first child… as she grew she kept knocking over my planters so I stopped. It feels so good to see one again, like the part of me I used to be is not dead.
My daughter grew this, I am so proud of her I don’t know if growing takes skill or just consistency, but either way I am proud of her.

My kids forced me outside today, the first half sunny day in a long time. It did feel good to work, to cut down weeds, trim the grass lawn. There are koa trees, there are strawberries, there are (baby) avocado trees doing well… I usually see what isn’t done or perfect in the garden, but there are things going well as well… my native soil is really good for Mexican Sunflowers, “Tithonia diversifolia, as a fertilizer contains 1.76% N, 0.82% P, and 3.92% K. This plant does not require a large amount of nutrients because it is able to increase the amount of essential nutrients in the soil itself.” * So I guess that means my native soil kind of sucks… Owari Satsuma, Cold-Hardy Avocado (Persea americana ‘Mexicola Grande’), and Soursop (Annona muricata) are all supposed to be good to grow in my region, they all have peels so that would work against the horrible slugs we have here… I wish I was strong enough to draw up a business plan and a landscape plan and start today, but instead… I will work at it slowly… get rid of the trash start building garden beds.

Ok, looked up the avocado spacing. So I will be thinking of where to move the avocado trees, guess they don’t need special soil and the spacing can be pretty close but is usually 7-10 feet and can be 15 feet.

๐ŸŒณ Trees I want: Persea americana, Owari Satsuma, Annona muricata. Ok so emailed Plant It Hawaii that has all the plants I want and waiting to see what they say. Hoping to plant trees now, tend them this year, and then hopefully they will survive while I am gone. Feeling more optimistic about the far future, even though not the near future, somehow I will get there.

Wednesday: Last week the kids playing with large bubbles were just too cute, it was a failure to make bubbles to juggle the recipe should be water 1.5 cups, soap 0.5 cups, corn syrup 0.25 cups, and microfiber or wool gloves, we had cotton gloves and bubble mix, but not soap, also we should have straws to make the bubbles. So we will try again soon on chemistry day.

Today is the Science Fair, I want to take the chickens, the gate, the martial arts stuff, the regular beach stuff, the science fair stuff… my son’s apple tree, the green screen stuff, I think I can, if the chickens are next to the kids and the gate is in front, I think I can.

Did take the chickens, so far we have had 9 entries and I’ve been making the green screen versions with 3 left to go. A lot of the parents and kids had fun, the projects were really cool, how to make a rainbow, how to tell a safe to eat egg, how to raise chickens, how to grow an apple tree, the families of animals, the gas content in the air and it’s effect on fire, vinegar and baking soda volcano, home made wrapping paper with chromatography, and fossil finding from Isreal. We may have some late entry projects too.

The parents who liked science were really happy, it became clear who the nerds among us were, myself included. But for most the kids it was their first public speaking experience, which is interesting because it shows you a side of yourself that gets nervous that you may not have known you had.

Thursday: Last week I found peace with not wanting to live with my father. This week the kids and I are all sick, my throat hurts. Still had to go to the post office to get my gi, which is a bit large. Did my best working on the science fair videos adding titles, background music, background text, cropping, and stabilizing.

Friday: Last Friday I spent the day at the DMV, doing errands with my dad and my friend passed inspection. Sick today, my throat hurts, but I put on “I want to break free” by Queen and “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees and I feel a lot better. Last Sunday I was telling my sister disco never died it just moved around to different countries, I really think so. I think the Beatles and Disco never die.

80s Music I Want to Break FreeStaying AliveTake On Me – Feel better already.

I had never seen the music video for “I want to break free,”I love it, it’s so Monty Python meets Daft Punks.

My sister likes theatre, I don’t, but I love music, I feel like it fills the same need though, but I just like music better. I think in the end they are both about the same thing, “life elevated” beyond just dishes, work, eating, traffic, laundry, survival, a little bit of joy, and beauty in this world of mundane chores and responsibilities. My son is begging me for math right now at 7:30 and I just want coffee and music.

My week is over, trying to get better before Sunday, don’t want to get other people sick at the tournament. The science fair was a huge success and I am really grateful, but on the other hand, I don’t like to feel like only my scout/friend group is good and stable and everything else isn’t. I get impatient with my kids not remembering the rules on a daily basis, I’m harsher with them when they lie or don’t remember than if they just admit they did something intentionally… probably too much, but while being sick being patient is almost impossible for me, I’m struggling with it.


Something new this week: We had our first science fair.

Something good this week: The kids engaged with the science fair, it wasn’t just something they “had to do” most of them had fun with it, and a lot of them relished it.

Something unexpected: My A0 gi is borderline too large after my last A0 was so small I had to get a new A1 gi… Damn you again inconsistent size labels.

โš—๏ธ

๐ŸŒฑ 2022 Sixteenth Week ๐Ÿซง

There is magic in sincere forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive.” Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

Yosemite by Daniel Jongen

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. ๐ŸŽต SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. โšก TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

Made Using Lucid Chart

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

– Andy Warhol

Last Week: Wanted to catch mouse, set traps, but no luck.

This Week: I am on a decluttering kick. Caught the mouse unharmed Monday. Another Thursday.

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS: Stuff coming up: Clean up.

Fri DMV Appt, Sat dad goes to airport, Wed Science Fair, Sun May 1st Tournament

Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990

GOAL JOURNAL: AIM FOR THE STARS AND FALL ON THE MOON

SUN cleaning should be music.

Phone Calls Monday (If Needed) or Clear Memory, Update the School Forms and Notes Tuesday, Update the Website for the Scouts Wednesday, Blog or Website Thursday and Check Finances Friday.

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Saturday Faith
Sunday Unity
Monday Plans
Tuesday Teamwork
Wednesday Connection
Thursday Purpose
Friday Creativity

Mental Health: I’ve heard it a thousand times, when you focus on helping others you don’t worry about your own problems as much, but I am experiencing it more now. I spent Saturday, Sunday, and Tuesday cleaning with a friend, Wednesday teaching martial arts, and hosting a mini car race and bubble fest, today is Thursday and it’s been a better week than I’ve had in a long time.

Physical Health: I’m a tiny bit sick, but not bad at all 89% well. The kids are 100% and 99% better according to them.

Social Health: Good and bad, my dad is hard to live with, but we are clashing less since I was gone most this week. That really isn’t the same as getting along. I was able to help my friends, that feels right to me.


LIFE JOURNAL:

Kalahari Sunset by the Wandering Ambivert.

Saturday: Last week most the family was sick. This week everyone was better. I went to help my friend clean.

Sunday: Last week I felt some turmoil of not knowing if I am coming back here summers or not at all, I still don’t know. My dad threw a fit that my daughter didn’t take his dish right away and it just reminded me of why we are moving away from him, my daughter is six, she doesn’t need his drama and expectations that she will be his maid. I didn’t yell at him, but almost. And if I don’t yell, in my heart I turn my back on my dad’s way of living. The best revenge is being different from people you don’t respect.

CLEAN UP We cleaned my friend’s house until about 10PM, I didn’t intend to have the kids out so late at all, but I wasn’t watching a clock and I wanted to help finish. We did a lot but didn’t finish. I helped move a desk, plug the computer back in, wipe walls and baseboards, wipe toys, move shelves, move a table, clean chairs, organize tools and a cleaning area, and pest control area, wipe paintings, and take the trash out… My sister puttied holes, moved books, boxed items, groomed dogs built a bed… I cleaned a fridge and another friend cleaned the freezer, some other people washed dishes… toys seem to take forever…

Monday: Last week I filed the application for federal borrowers defense of my student loan. This week trying to register for a tournament. It is a rare night I am up past midnight. Sorting over last week I see that one good thing about this kind of journal, is that when you are overwhelmed you still see goals completed or brainstormed from days you have a clearer mind.

In the morning we had caught a mouse without hurting it, my sister took it to the junkyard to live, there is food and water there, and chickens may eat it, but it won’t hurt a different house.

My new lotus plants are growing very well now, planted them last weekend, and gave them out Wednesday, today they are much bigger, and at about 18 days they need soil.

I’m having a coffee, hiding from my dad, I just don’t want to talk to him. I tell my sister to be direct and talk with him, but don’t like to talk to him lately myself. I guess I will, but just not until I have something to say.

The book I was reading last week called “Outer Order, Inner Calm” was by an author I like, Gretchin Rubin. It starts by saying that 1. First, we make choices – what possessions to keep and what to do with them. 2. Once we’ve cleared through our things, we create order by organizing, repairing, and attending to neglected areas. 3. Next, we reflect on ourselves, to know ourselves – and others – so that we can take those individual insights into account. 4. Then, once the clutter is vanquished, it’s useful to cultivate helpful habits to maintain that order, and 5. add beauty to make our surroundings more inviting and comfortable.

I’m trying to summarize that 1. Pick your tools. 2. Fix your boat holes. 3. Know your size and shape. 4. Oil your sword and armor. 5. Carve the maidenhead.

I was able to register for the right tournament today, the first time I am fighting under my own school.

Tuesday: Last week my week I was very much grieving the relationship between my father and I. The one that we had while I grew up, when he pushed me away as a big kid, as a teen girl, as an adult who doesn’t agree about parenting or life. This week I went to help clean, when I left I finally felt comfortable that it would be enough to pass inspection, which was the goal.

Wednesday: Last week our group did an egg hunt, a dino tent, lotus and strawberry plants, lots of fun, and good vibes. This week, the meet-up was amazing again, most weeks feel like they are more amazing than the week before, but sometimes chill weeks are nice too. The kids playing with large bubbles were just too cute, it was a failure to make bubbles to juggle the recipe should be water 1.5 cups, soap 0.5 cups, corn syrup 0.25 cups, and microfiber or wool gloves, we had cotton gloves and bubble mix, but not soap, also we should have straws to make the bubbles. So we will try again soon on chemistry day. There was a birthday cake, forgotten candles, but a wonderful song. The race track was super small but the younger kids had a great time with it, they really went to town with the blocks building little cities and things. Tuesday my husband laughed in my face when I told him I was fighting in a tournament, he didn’t say why… he couldn’t stop laughing to say anything. Then he tried to talk and he just started laughing hard again… So. That really sums up what my family support system is like, which is why it’s great having a friend-based support system.

Thursday: Last week having trouble registering for a BJJ tournament because there were two, two weeks apart here in the same town, which is rare, got it cleared up Tuesday and was super excited to be fighting under my own school name for the first time. I’ve made some peace with my father, that he is hard to live with, but that it’s okay that he is how he is and with myself that it is okay if it is hard for me to live with my father and that I don’t like to live the way he likes to live. It’s okay I need to move, it’s okay if I am uncomfortable before I move, it’s okay to have a hard time living with family, it’s okay to try my best and have it not work still, it’s okay for me to need things neat, it’s okay if I don’t have the time and energy to move back when my dad needs help, we have other family members who can or other people can, it doesn’t have to be me if it isn’t good for me or for him. I don’t need to stay near him, I don’t need to stay with him, I don’t even need to be here when I visit I can rent a nice place for $600 a month to visit in the summer, which is really doable for a whole month. In Brazil, it was $200 a night for half a three-star hotel room. This week has gone by quickly, it felt really good, I guess I do like the work of work, even though I’m so paranoid about my kids I don’t have the trust it would take in the world to leave them to work. I feel alive just knowing I am going to fight again, I don’t know why it matters, I don’t have an explanation, but I definitely feel different. Even though I haven’t trained, teaching has kept me from forgetting much, and I am in decent shape from exercising at the beginning of the year so there isn’t much to do, like a Spartan I can relax before fighting because I have trained all my life to fight and only relaxed in the times others would be preparing to fight. Which really I don’t recommend, I don’t know why I was so obsessed when I was younger, other than saying maybe it’s the only time I am at peace, and peace is a good feeling.

I feel a little sick today, but I have 9 days to get better so I think that is great, I’ve fought a tournament with a bad flu before, long before when that was okay… I don’t think I’ve ever had so much room for weight, a featherweight goes from 114 to 124 lbs and I am about 115, so 118 with the gi, so six lbs can be gained exercising and I will be okay, so I am not worried at all about that and that is a very nice feeling. I was paranoid my gi color would not be allowed, because it specifically isn’t on the rule book, so I bought another gi, same issue with my belt, but I don’t know if anyone is going to check the rules… Anyways it feels good to have the right equipment, mouth guard, gi, belt, nothing fancy, but everything meeting the strict rules in case they are enforced.

In school my daughter got through Collaborative Theatre to 92%, finished the last test before the final, there were four schools of thoughts about teaching acting, emotional copying, imagination, body posture, and something else… I have to admit I don’t really care for theatre. My son covered halves and quarters. Forgot I had an DMV appointment tomorrow, it was so far in the future when I first made it.

I’ve been catching up on laundry today, my sister’s, my dad’s, mine, the dogs, still have kid’s and my husband’s to go… Someone used my dish towel for dog pee which is “super annoying” now that the dish towels have blue stripes… Cleaned dog poop from my sister’s room, filled the lizard water, caught a second mouse. I still hate cleaning up after some else’s dog.

I have been sorting beach stuff better, put inflatables together with life vests. Put face crayons with balloons and the Happy Birthday banner, all the birthday stuff essentially. Put a lot of science stuff together, wiped the markers, separated the scout folder, art folder and put science papers in the new acrylic paper stands. Putting away stuff from the beach makes me feel good. Martial arts is mostly all together.

My husband wants to go back to California, I am not sure if I want to go with him or not. I don’t mind him, but I dislike the place so much I just don’t know yet, I want to go somewhere new rather than somewhere I know I don’t like being.

The school year is ending soon, my daughter has a science project, play production, song, and essay due but is nearly done with all the curriculum except the Agriculture final and theatre 8% and final. Then we can make a review presentation/portfolio of the year.

I am nervous about my friend’s home inspection tomorrow, I am not nervous about my tournament but it’s on my mind. So is the Science Fair and driver’s license appointment. It just feels like a lot.

Taking some book notes from Outer Order, Inner Calm:

“Feeling overwhelmed is a reason to try to maintain order, not to abandon order. Outer order contributes to inner calm.”

“Keeping too much stuff keeps us stuck in the past and cramps our ability to embrace the present.”

“The days are long but the years are short.”

“Even if we can’t create or maintain perfect order, it’s still worth trying to make things better.”

“A true home is the finest ideal of man.” – Frank Lloyd Wright

“A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labors of a spasmodic Hercules.” – Anthony Trollope

“It is far easier to keep up than to catch up.”

“At home, don’t allow (your room) to be used as a dump zone for other family members.” I don’t know how to fix that…

Friday: Last Friday I fell in love with the idea that some people come into your life as blessings and others as lessons. This week I’ve really digested that message and I agree with it so much it has become a belief already in only a week. I spent the day at the DMV, doing errands with my dad and it was okay, but I can see why I don’t want to do it more often. Super happy my friend passed the inspection today.

My week is over, I have some markers to take over to my friend’s house tomorrow. I’ll drop my dad off to the airport on the way into town. My mexican sunflowers bloomed, my lotus are growing well, things are going well in general, I sometimes worry about leaving and sometimes can’t wait to leave, but hopefully, I will be back in the summers, because I want to keep working on the garden and keep seeing the kids here. but if I don’t I will do the best I can to help the scouts from where I am ad to live my best life wherever I am.


Something new this week: My first sunflower on the farm.

Something good this week: Helped a friend.

Something unexpected: Registered to fight again.

๐Ÿซง

๐ŸŒฑ 2022 Fifteenth Week ๐ŸŒณ

Passion rules reason, for better or for worse.” – Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

Yosemite by Daniel Jongen

I feel pretty emotional today, sentimental, but also churning like storm waters. I don’t get this way a lot, so it is more interesting ad less troubling. I see Terry Goodkind’s quote and I miss him, he died a few years ago, I liked looking forward to new books from him ad imagining him somewhere making a stew, or with his family, or getting mad about something, somewhere also alive.

I look at Yosemite ad remember the thud-thud of walking o that path, I was lucky enough to go in the winter, summer ad fall, to look down from the peak in a thunderstorm ad a clear day. I really enjoy that place. It is just a beautiful place in my heart that never gets old to me.

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. ๐ŸŽต SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. โšก TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

Made Using Lucid Chart

GOAL REMINDERS: Last week: We decided to move out of state next year, so it is hard to know what to do, how much to save and how much to invest in repairs ext. The kids were sick so taking care of them took priority.

This week I should get my room, my items, and the common area in order and clean, such as a mouse snuck in on Friday so that will take my free time.

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS: Stuff coming up: Clean up. Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Saturday Faith
Sunday Unity
Monday Plans
Tuesday Teamwork
Wednesday Connection
Thursday Purpose
Friday Creativity

Mental Health: Things are tense, when I have the energy I pick up the yard, but my dad just throws trash peels right on it. I don’t know if normal people are that messy, or if something is wrong with my dad, but my husband and I hate seeing it. It kind of brushes our brains the wrong way.

LONG STORY I don’t know if he is throwing a fit or being rude on purpose or is just gross, but I don’t ask because I don’t want to mislead him that I want to explore his emotions with him or offer emotional support. I have tried to do those things in the past, my dad didn’t care to try my suggestions, which is fine, but the whole thing seemed frustrating and time-wasting and he really needs someone who can communicate a lot better than I can.

If I had to guess it seems like my dad didn’t think about being divorced as much before my husband moved in, I don’t exactly know his thought process, but he kept throwing fits since then, which we told him was okay. And it is okay that it happened, but not okay like we want to keep living together, I have trouble telling him the truth that he is difficult and unpleasant to live with because I don’t think it is fair to try to make him change when we have no intention of staying long term now. I don’t usually pray but I find myself praying in the morning to get through the day without blowing up at him.

“Betimes in the morning say to thyself, this day I shalt have to do with an idle curious man, with an unthankful man, a railer, a crafty, false, or an envious man; an unsociable uncharitable man. All these ill qualities have happened unto them, through ignorance of that which is truly good and truly bad.

– Marcus Aurelius

On a bad day, my husband is idle, unthankful, false, and envious, but he is always sociable with our kids and charitable in general, on a bad day my father is all these things, and for some reason, it is harder to accept that the man fate or God gave to me would be worse then what I chose myself.

I never wanted to see my dad the way he is now, at times my husband is a bully and that was difficult to wrap my mind around when he showed me his normal personality after years of pretending. But though it has been almost 30 years since I looked up to my dad, I had never looked down on him. I try not to look down on anyone, but it is a daily challenge lately. He was so scared of COVID that while practically everyone else in our family got sick and recovered, young and old, and he stayed so scared, it became very difficult to respect that. His sister got sick ad recovered, my aunt, all my cousins, and somehow he was just obsessed with his own risk which really drove me away. I am sure a lot of people were scared, and being scared is fine, but he took it to a level that I think will prohibit me from being able to respect his powers of logic or objectivity. It is weird with elders because all the social rules are different than kids. On Reddit I read about a family where the elders wouldn’t stop eating spoiled ketchup, with kids, you just throw away the ketchup, with some elders, they throw such a fit, even if you replace the ketchup they can’t stand the insult of you removing their property, they can’t believe their matchup is spoiled or that the guideline dates are for safety, but rather they are lies to sell more… since moving to Hawaii I have got sick eating my dad’s food so much, 2-day old spaghetti, but with mold on it ext that I honestly couldn’t feel and for him this week that he is sick to his stomach. He rips open a pack of my carrots or chicken, takes one piece, and leaves all the rest to rot even though we have a ton of glass Tupperware… he leaves bags of dry food open and it attracts mice who poop and eat in the bag and then he keeps the bag and offers my kids to eat some too… the first year we visited we had food poisoning as much as we were well, then we all stopped eating my dad’s snacks and meals and have been a lot better. It may sound like elders who eat old food have lost it and you can just keep an eye on them, but legally it isn’t the case, if they are half-crazy you have no legal grounds to tell them what to do or force them in any way to change.

I wish I could just talk to my dad, just tell him I don’t think the way he prepares food is safe, but when I have he just argues that it is safe ad then he attacks what I cook as too processed, even though it’s absolutely not more processed that what he eats. So after being attacked and ignored enough times, I don’t feel like finding a new way to bring it up, but rather I am attempting to live the best life I can alongside someone who has radically different opinions on most things and I count the months until when my husband estimated we could move, he said next year, so nine more months. I sound very dependent to myself right now, but with one special needs daughter, and two homeschooled kids, I am okay with that, the kids get more from me if I don’t have to work and care for them, I see it as a season of life and it feels right for us right now.

If I could talk to my dad and he would listen I would say 1. Get a psychologist you like to deal with your divorce ext. 2. Take a food safety course so you can hear from professionals how to stay safe in the kitchen. 3. Don’t push others away ad expect them to come back, make a choice to either have space or have company and then commit to it. 4. Even if we don’t live with you, we will still gladly help you with things if you stop being disrespectful, that is too much to expect from me.

If I could ask my dad questions without him being rude ack I would ask 1. Are you okay from the pandemic or are you still paranoid ad scared? 2. Do you throw trash because you are throwing a fit or do you like to or you think it isn’t gross to be around? 3. Is your memory okay? 4. Do you want to get a part-time caretaker for cleaning or an organizer to help you with your room? 5. Are your monthly expenses alright for whatever your retirement is?

But I don’t talk to him or ask him, because I am here for nine more months and if he fights with me about any of it, then those nine months will be harder ones.

SHORT STORY I’m having trouble living my best life at my dad’s house for the next nine months until I relocate, but I’m doing my best, helping in the ways I am okay with such as dishes and laundry, and not in the ways I’m not going to like pretending to agree with him about raising kids, being permissive to my kids while we live here, comforting him about his anxiety which I feel he needs professional help with.

LIFE LESSON Living with family doesn’t always save time and money, it can be good or bad, but it really depends on the exact situation, how much the way people’s preferred house rules align. Some people are emotionally draining and while some people love to help with that, but other people will be unable to thrive alongside those types of people and never live their best lives together.

Physical Health: I’m a little sick, but not bad. The kids are still sick.

Social Health: Good and bad, my dad is still getting on my nerves, but my husband and sister are trying to support me and I appreciate that.


LIFE JOURNAL:

Kalahari Sunset by the Wandering Ambivert.

Saturday: Last week my son was really sick at night. This week everyone was sick with like a runny nose and cough.

Sunday: Last week my husband and I realized this state is not our forever home. This week I felt some turmoil of not knowing if I am coming back here summers or not at all, I really want to know where I will be in the next five years, and I really don’t know. I’m trying to relax about it, but it isn’t easy. My sister was a bit sad that it wasn’t working out even though she did her best, and a good job at that.

Monday: Last week in school we were catching up on Collaborative Theatre. This week I filed the application for federal borrowers defense of my student loan, it has been eight years of having the debt hanging over my finances, I really hope that I can get rid of it and it will be a turning point in the right direction, but either way I need to do my best from where I am.

The book I bought called “Outer Order, Inner Calm” was by an author I like, Gretchin Rubin. It starts by saying that 1. First, we make choices – what possessions to keep and what to do with them. 2. Once we’ve cleared through our things, we create order by organizing, repairing, and attending to neglected areas. 3. Next, we reflect on ourselves, to know ourselves – and others – so that we can take those individual insights into account. 4. Then, once the clutter is vanquished, it’s useful to cultivate helpful habits to maintain that order, and 5. add beauty to make our surroundings more inviting and comfortable.

This is different from Marie Kondo’s order of reflection of your ideal life first, then choices, then clean up, then organize and add beauty.

I’m interested to try it this way.

Looking at the excuses from the book “when I have time, I could do a cool project with this thing” is probably the worst for me, “I can’t deal with this thing until everyone around me agrees about what we should do with it” is a real one as I am not the homeowner, “I don’t have the space to put away this thing properly” is a real but not common issue, “I don’t have the time or energy to decide what to do with this thing,” is probably the most common issue, “I’ll definitely use this thing as soon as I change my life in a major way. I’ll get a puppy. I’ll lose thirty pounds. I’ll form a band,” is something that does happen but not that much.

So my most frequent excuses for not cleaning clutter are:

  1. “I don’t have the time or energy to decide what to do with this thing.”

2. “When I have time, I could do a cool project with this thing.”

3. I don’t have the space to put away this thing properly.”

4. “I can’t deal with this thing until everyone around me agrees about what we should do with it.”

5. “I’ll definitely use this thing as soon as I change my life in a major way. I’ll get a puppy. I’ll lose thirty pounds. I’ll form a band.”

So questions to ask with this method: “Do I need it?” “Do I love it?” “Do I use it?” “Is it superfluous?”

For clothes does it fit, do I wear it, do I love it or is it useful… Is it in bad shape.

Reading the book so far, I don’t like it that much, it reminds me of Marie Kondo, but at this point, I don’t notice this book inspiring me to tidy up as much as The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up did.

Trying to sprout Lotus still, nothing so far, but the water being so dark makes me think the seeds are breaking their seeds open at least… the temperature should be 70ยฐ-85ยฐF/21ยฐ-29ยฐC which it almost is… I think it is 68ยฐ so if I keep changing the water daily it should take a week. I think I put them in water on Sunday, but it could have been Saturday… or even Friday.

Trying to sprout Guanabana it should take 3 weeks or a month to sprout in the shade, they like some shade, don’t care about soil, and take 4 months to grow a good root system, they can fruit in 3 or 4 years.

So my house is a mess… I see my daughter’s water bottle in the office while she is at the dining table (carried it to its spot in the kitchen), cookie bag (put it away in a box near the office), gummy bear jar (moving it to the bar), found a third book (put them all in the bookshelf), both kids’ tablets in the office (took them to the shelf).

So I stopped and made lunch, and got super mad at the kids for whining and fighting while I was serving them and prepping their food. So mad, but not sorry, just tired of hearing them squabble, forever tired. Meaning I am ready to punish them each and every time they squabble from now on because it was simply too much for me to live with.

Then we read the Outer Order, Inner Calm together and I text two friends about it.

My son self-identified as a big boy when we were on the patio potting up his apple trees, unlike my daughter who identified as a big girl immediately upon hearing the term my son identified as a baby for a long time. He planted his pea plants right next to his apples.

Tuesday: Last week my daughter had a weird meltdown and lied about her final exam. We are doing more reviews and trying to encourage a positive attitude about missing test questions as an opportunity to learn. But especially I don’t want her just clicking answers, because the amount that she does that is very near the amount that she is failing her final exam by… we added some honesty incentives to try to encourage honesty not only dissuade dishonesty. The actual amount she remembers when I talk to her is very decent, Agriculture 1 was a hard class and it was hard having spring break, break up the flow of it.

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

– Andy Warhol

Yesterday a reader comforted me about not being able to live with my parents, it was so helpful. I fall into a silly trap of seeing anything someone in the world has done and thinking 1. I can do that. 2. I have to do that. 3. It will be easy to do that. Like if the hair dye bottle has a rainbow sunset I think, okay after buying that hair dye I can just do that myself, I have to try that because I love that style and IT WILL BE EASY. Maybe the first thing is true, but the second isn’t and the third really isn’t.

In hindsight I am half Asian so a lot of my friends live with their parents, it’s considered not our culture to need to live apart, you are told that they care for you half of your life and you for them the other half, it is called Filial Piety. But there are four levels of filial piety, the first is sending money or financial support, the second is taking care of them, the third is caring about them (not a given in my culture that you can or will emotionally care about someone), the fourth level is letting them grow as a person. So perhaps that is the way that I can help, perhaps when I go my dad will treat my sister with more respect that we don’t actually have to stay even though we did try to see if we could. Or maybe it’s just part of my personal growth that I have to cleave more space between us and it didn’t have as much to do with the dog pee on the floor as I thought.

It’s the early morning and sports news is baring through where I would otherwise be writing in a peaceful rainstorm and it does make me angry, even though I don’t want it to, because I want to hear the rain and hear myself think.

Going back to the Outer Order, Inner Calm book, Gretchin also loved the Little House books, as did I, and she remembered that the chores in that book were “wash on Monday, Iron on Tuesday, Mend on Wednesday, Churn on Thursday, Clean on Friday, Bake on Saturday, Rest on Sunday.”

So here we are on Tuesday, but though I don’t mind baking, I don’t churn, I don’t mend, I do landscape, I do garden, and I don’t think washing will fit on one day…

So let me see wash extra on Monday, landscape on Tuesday, science outreach on Wednesday, garden on Thursday, bake on Friday, rest on Saturday, and clean on Sunday might work for me.

I’ve also been wanting to do more goal setting, meditation/deep breathing, stretching, exercise, playing games (it sounds silly, but when I get stressed I stop and it really helps me relax better if I do play games), and playing music and painting.

So maybe meditation/deep breathing Monday, stretching Tuesday, painting Wednesday or music, playing games Thursday, goal setting Friday, Saturday exercise and a second chance for painting, Sunday music?

It looks like a lot, I’m a little intimidated and I wrote cleaning twice instead of music… so.

In Outer Order, Inner Calm Gretchin suggests Update Spreadsheet on Monday, Process Expense Receipts On Tuesday, Work on Monthly Report on Wednesday, Invoice on Thursday, Make Phone calls Friday.

I think I will do Phone Calls Monday (If Needed) or Clear Memory, Update the School Forms and Notes Tuesday, Update the Website for the Scouts Wednesday, Blog or Website Thursday and Check Finances Friday.

After thinking about what I want to do as a person as an adult and a tech user, it’s super overwhelming actually. So I went back to reading the book.

When I was reading it I was thinking, the way you live with people you hate living with is largely denying the things you have (like loud news ext) by guilting yourself for not being more accepting of what you don’t like, in that way you preserve the ability to be there, but you lose a love of yourself the way you authentically are.

I could blast Mexican music in the morning, but I don’t because I won’t play loud things with anyone still in bed, my dad blasts loud TV in the morning and at night, it irritates me, but I can’t just be annoying as well, there is something in me that strives to be the best I can and though I may fail, I can’t try on purpose to be as irritating as someone else is to show them what it is like to live with someone like that.

But my cousins have lived with my grandparents and now my uncle all their life, and don’t like it, but tolerate it. I am unable to mentally make that choice for the permanent future and it’s been on the back of my mind why not me if they can? I think that if you have to live in conditions that don’t suit you it kills a part of you or strangles that part of you at least and I don’t want to do that, or maybe I can’t do that. Maybe none of us want to do that and some of us can’t? On page 86 of Outer Order, Inner Calm Gretchin says that if we know each other we can live in harmony, for example, that she doesn’t like dog toys on the floor but is fine with dirty dishes in the sink, her husband is the opposite.

I can’t find it in my heart to think that will be the case for my dad and me, right now there are four dog pee puddles from his dog, I’m pretty sure he knows that no one wants to clean his dog pee for him, but he isn’t going to clean it. I think he is okay with kind of forcing others to clean what they don’t want to because he just doesn’t want to do so. And that is worse than the dirt or the cleaning, knowing he will live in filth if you don’t clean for him, knowing he is broken somewhere in his mind, knowing talking to him wouldn’t be the same as talking to an average person… that is approaching the elephant of that there is something wrong with him, something that caused me a lot of pain growing up in a single-parent home with a parent who wouldn’t clean. Getting asthma, getting allergies, getting angry from all the dirt.

Wednesday: Last week we did slime again and a lot of martial arts. This week strawberry starts are going out… they were a huge hit and the lotuses were too. It was a lovely day, one mom brought Easter gift bags, one brought easter eggs to hunt, I brought a dino tent and lotus plants and strawberry plants. The total effect was just a lot of fun and a good feeling. It highlights the bad feeling at home feeling so good with my friends, at ease. and uplifted and supported.

Thursday: Last week we decided to throw a science fair and I told myself I am going to start reeling my spending in. This week I think I spent less, but I don’t really know I’ve been having trouble registering for a BJJ tournament because there were two, two weeks apart here in the same town, which is rare.

Friday: Last week I made bread again, and the dough was nice, but I made so much smoke frying it that I want to find a different way to fry it… This week I found a cool mother Teresa quote:

“Some people come into your life as blessings. Other people come into your life as lessons.”

That really sums up my life this year, many people who are blessings, some who are lessons. I still grieve my friends who left and still grieve how tricky it has been lately to enjoy living with my dad. Though it really does help to look at it as a lesson, I guess I was always hoping it would be a blesing until I read that quote and somehow I can accept it isn’t now. The big tree that got knocked half way over in the big storm got cut down today for $400, I think overall it was worth it because seeing it reminded me of the storm. The Giving Tree book always made me sad, but that is what happened to my favorite tree in this property, it got cut up for wood and only a stump is left… I guess it’s okay, dark but okay. My daughter graduated Spanish 1, the final took 3 attempts, 63%, 67%, 80%, I think that’s still impressive since she is 6.

My week is over, it feels like too many endings all at once, the tree gone, the idea of a future in this state gone, the idea of merging our families gone, new things too, a new martial arts school for me, a new “career” as a fighter beginning again, our science non-profit. So many good things, so many changes. Our new spring chicks are almost ready to move outside… we are helping a friend declutter and we are decluttering ourselves. It feels like a tornado of changes. I’m trying to put a patio curtain up… so the chickens won’t go on, but I feel like my dad will mess it up by leaving it ajar like he leaves the main doors and gates open which I F-ing hate. I know I was bitter this week, yet I want to be, so when I leave and wonder why I left I can remember why I went through the cost and effort of moving.


Something new this week: We got the falling down tree cut down so we could move away from the storm that happened in our area and into the next chapter of life.

Something good this week: I’m going to be more responsible spending, I bought hair brushes for $13 and a $6 book on decluttering. I also spent $18 on netting for the patio and velcro for the patio, then more velcro and a tournament and a new gi and belt.

Something unexpected: Filed my student loan debt borrower’s defense appeal, I thought it would be harder.

๐ŸŒณ

๐ŸŒฑ 2022 Fourteenth Week โ›ต

“It sounds a paradox, but kindness and good intentions can be an insidious path to destruction. Sometimes doing what seems right is wrong, and can cause harm.” – Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

Yosemite by Daniel Jongen

As I look at this quote today, I think about my husband and I trying to live with my dad this past half year, I guess to us all seniors are seniors and he will need caretaking any time now, but actually, he doesn’t sit still enough to live with. It seemed right to spend time with my dad so the kids can get to know him, but he may benefit from space and peace more than the intense scrutiny living with little kids can bring. Either way, it’s not the best fit, so the week is the beginning of a new era, where we are in preparation to relocate.

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. ๐ŸŽต SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. โšก TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

Made Using Lucid Chart

GOAL REMINDERS: Last week: I was struggling to do my normal stuff, the beach, the scouts, the cleaning, the garden, but still trying and still taking small steps forward.

This week: We decided to move out of state next year, so it is hard to know what to do, how much to save and how much to invest in repairs ext. The kids also have been sick so taking care of them has taken my gardening energy away.

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS: Stuff coming up: Student loan check for borrowers defense. Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Saturday Faith
Sunday Unity
Monday Plans
Tuesday Teamwork
Wednesday Connection
Thursday Purpose
Friday Creativity

Mental Health: My husband and I need a home, not that we are homeless, we have been staying with family to see how he likes the state. It’s okay, but he doesn’t love it, so we are going to try a new state and try to find somewhere all of us can be happy. It’s not the high cost of living or far drives, but the lack of Latin culture and radio, limited food, shopping, and activities. In California, I never grew to like the overcrowding, rude people, and overload of things to do, I needed breathing room and thinking space. Hawaii is the opposite for my husband, kind of a green Siberia. So we have decided to finish out the year here, visit Florida in the summer and move there or somewhere else the beginning of next year.

Physical Health: I’m fine, but the kids are sick. I’m glad we are not sick together because I don’t have people to lean on during the week so I end up a walking zombie who stays sick for a long time due to not resting.

Social Health: Things are unstable, each month living with my dad I keep being stressed and annoyed and then wondering if the next month will be better and it isn’t.

LONG STORY It’s not all bad, but I don’t like him overanalyzing why the kids fuss when they fuss, I don’t care for him second judging that I punish the kids for making a mess, he doesn’t help me clean so I really really don’t care what his opinions of what I have to clean are. I’m at my limit, because I have a limit of what I can do, and how I want to live, he doesn’t understand that, he doesn’t prioritize the same way I do, we are two different people, and that is okay, but he makes it harder for me to have my children be disciplined, ex his bed is never made, so I try to explain to my kids they have to make theirs, and it just doesn’t seem like they have to. In general, living with my dad makes it harder for me to enjoy the day, and harder for me to live with my husband. He stresses me out off and on throughout the month, the difference between our view points for example, he tells my son don’t get angry and I think that is bulls*ht, maybe don’t yell, but we all get angry. Those things grate on me bit by bit and in the end all arrows point to moving to get more space, which is probably just a normal and natural thing, but I wasn’t sure if we could share the space and spend time together and help care for my dad as he ages. The short answer is no. The short answer is just that my husband, I and my dad don’t mix well and it is a burden on my husband and me to try and probably just not even the best solution for my dad either, I’m not sure. But either way, we need more social space. He hates my chicken’s poop on the patio, I hate his dog’s poop in the house. But the biggest thing is that it just isn’t enjoyable and it goes from not adding much to my life to taking away from it. It’s really frustrating living with my dad, I gave it another try because I thought maybe we would be able to enjoy him being around the kids and us helping out with some stuff, but although staying the summers had always been fine, staying a year and four months was not fun. It showed me that the broken home ambiance I grew up with wasn’t magically fixed over time, it showed me that my dad has outdated gender expectations that are on schedule to be fixed in my children’s lifetime, but not in him nor even in my husband. I learned about the uncomfortable kind of home life that I don’t want to have. Just like I didn’t want to work to make money to help my husband pay for a Southern California house I didn’t want because I didn’t enjoy the climate, area and busy lifestyle I don’t want to work to put my emotional energy into a toxic and critical family who expects elders to have more respect then they have earned and more decision making power than other adults, just because… that isn’t what I believe in, and so in a way I shouldn’t be feeding it.

SHORT STORY Even though I don’t pay rent, the rent isn’t worth it.

LIFE LESSON I guess in the end it’s not bad to hope, not bad to try, and not bad to fail, but now that I can feel it isn’t going to work out it’s less painful than wondering if it would. Some things don’t work out, and that’s just okay.


LIFE JOURNAL:

Kalahari Sunset by the Wandering Ambivert.

Saturday: Last week I unloaded the car from camping, and planted blueberries I was full of hope of starting a berry farm in Hawaii someday. This week my son was really sick at night, I think my husband and I were beating off a sickness, which just barely tired out my daughter, and got my son fairly sick.

Sunday: Last week we picked up our dog’s urn, I started soursop seeds and put away camping gear, and organized a little. This week my husband and I realized this state is not our forever home, we did not buy a house in our future state or anything, but mentally we are already sure we are not staying here next year.

Monday: Last week in school we made a lot of progress in Spanish and Agriculture. This week we are catching up on Collaborative Theatre. I checked in with Khan Academy and my daughter scored 94% on that First Grade Math class and she had graduated First Grade Math with 96% on Acellus, so since they were close scores it makes me more comfortable about Acellus being on par with other schools. School has changed a lot since I went to school. The math and English standards are much lower than what I remember, but the science and tech is crazy different than what I remember, so the total amount is somewhat more to learn now. I was looking at my goals and there really is not any reason that I can not transfer my goals to a new home when we get one, actually, it could be a lot easier if I am the only one in charge of my home to decide where to put things and how to use the water ext. I still hope to be involved with our scout group here in Hawaii, but assuming things go well I would be able to return for the summer and kind of work on the berry farm and the scout group in the summers. Tooling around on the internet I found my old university lost in court about false claims, so maybe I can get some of my student loan repaid by them.

Tuesday: Last week we have caught up in theatre as well. This week we nearly finished Agriculture 1 but my daughter just hit the buttons on the final and lied about it, so I got mad and then had to deal with how to punish her enough that she wouldn’t break the system we have and train her honesty.

Wednesday: Last week we did slime and elephant toothpaste and saw Hi’ilawe live. This week slime again. after the nice day at the beach I thought about why I did slime, it was because my dad had taken me to a small science expo at the mall, Launch Pad. So then I felt bad that I was not more greatful, but when I got home the laundry waiting, dog pee smell and dishes made me feel okay, both greatful and okay with having trouble living with the mess. It was pretty great today a lot of kids doing slime and painting and martial arts.

Thursday: Last week my favorite place came up on Momentum, Half Dome and I cleaned half my bedroom floors, blankets, baseboards. Chatting with the other moms we decided to throw a science fair in three weeks, I invited the Science Museum and the Environmental Restoration groups as guest judges, not sure if they will come or not. Bought $20 of patches, not really too much spent so far, but I think the extra table cloth and a few prizes will make it more fun. Then I over spent because I wanted a table cloth and then just got a bunch of stuff… $150 later, I keep telling myself I am going to start reeling my spending in.

I wrote this poem today:

ื—ืชื•ืœ ืชื ื•ืžืช

.ืฆืคื™ื™ื” ื‘ื—ืชื•ืœื™ื, ืžื‘ื•ื“ืจ ืขืœ ื™ื“ื™ ืื ืฉื™ื ืขืกื•ืงื™ื ืชืฆื˜ืจืš ืชื ื•ืžื”

Friday: Last week I was making nan with a new recipe and I noticed I had always 100% killed my yeast in the past and that answered a lot of bread questions. This week I made break again, and the dough was nice, but I made so much smoke frying it that I want to find a different way to fry it next week…

My week is over, somehow I did a lot today, laundry for my husband, his bedding, the house laundry, picked up soda and crackers for my dad, since he felt sick, made him jello, fixed the fridge ice maker which was frozen over, ran home school Spanish 1, did a lot of Science, Math and Music Fundamentals with my son, planted 25 bare root strawberries in a good citrus and steer manure blend in some new grow bags.

I drew this cat today…

My week is over again, it felt like it flew by. I was tired from the kids being sick and keeping me up, but since I was not sick it wasn’t horrible. I missed my friends who have made it 13 hours into the future, they have most of their day, then during their night I have the day that they had. So they can talk with me at night and it’s my morning, but so far I have been communicating with poems and cartoons.

This week I felt so alive at the beach, planning the Science Fair, gardening, I felt okay cleaning, cooking, doing school, I didn’t enjoy living with my dad… then I felt guilty, but being guilty you don’t like something isn’t the same as liking it, not at all. I don’t like when I feel like he is doing things for attention instead of being transparent and just planning more things that are together, I don’t like his “my house, my rules” attitude, when he needed the gutters cleaned it was “teamwork attitude”, when it comes to splitting bills it’s “teamwork attitude”, but he just wants to make rules alone rather than agreements or discussions that adults would usually have… so F that, really and truly F that.

As life goes on I can notice what drains me and what feeds me, what my real obligations and what obligations people want to push on me more and more… and I still spend a lot of time doing things I hate or rushing into the wrong things mindlessly, but at least it is less. I carve time in each week to enjoy life, not as much as I would want, but more than I ever have, so I am proud of that, it was hard for me and it is really good for my well being to in turn be more productive at cooking or saving money – ha ha ha, sometimes – and to have enough internal well being to have something to left emotionally and energetically to give to the community. Life isn’t perfect and it does feel busy with things starting up again and unsettled since my husband and I still don’t have our own home yet… but I am grateful for my kids, grateful the pandemic is over, grateful for this blog, which is still cool to me – because of you! Again thank you readers, I don’t always say it because I don’t want to seem like I’m selling it, but really thank you guys for sharing life with me a little bit.


Something new this week: Planted Earliglow strawberries, they are June bearing, I have never done the June bearing kind of strawberries before.

Something good this week: I made peace with leaving this state, even though it is slated for next year and even though moving is a lot of hassles, it feels right.

Something unexpected: My husband and I came to the conclusion that we are moving out of state next year, I suspected it may happen, but I was never sure if he would settle into my home state or not.

โ›ต

๐ŸŒฑ 2022 Thirteenth Week ๐ŸŽต

“People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it’s true, or because they are afraid it might be true.

Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ
Yosemite by Daniel Jongen

GOAL REMINDERS:

Made Using Lucid Chart
Last week: Went camping, adjusting to the loss of our theatre instructor to our group.

This week: I placed two of the slug beer traps Monday, the chickens help reduce the slugs, but they are still around too much, I put one in the slug jar Sunday.

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS:

Stuff coming up: Check-In With Student Loan

Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. ๐ŸŽต SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Saturday Faith
Sunday Unity
Monday Plans
Tuesday Teamwork
Wednesday Connection
Thursday Purpose
Friday Creativity

Mental Health: Vacillating between tired of cleaning and tired of a mess. Frustrated with the way my kids prefer to listen if they get punished, I would prefer a kinder gentler world, but they simply don’t respond to positive reinforcement without negative reinforecement no matter what studies say, my kids won’t behave without periodic punishment.

Physical Health: Getting back to health, should be more grateful for that.

Social Health: Things are medium, good people left my life, some good people are left but now there are less helpers and the same burdens.


LIFE JOURNAL:

Kalahari Sunset by the Wandering Ambivert.

Saturday: Last week we went to the market, caves, a waterfall and for pizza, good, but busy as well. This week I unloaded the car from camping, planted blueberries, protected them with scrubby pad rings, I cleaned some leaves off the lawn. I was a bit tired from camping. The blueberries make me feel like a small farm.

Sunday: Last week I made juice from Soursop and we got our dog’s urn returned. This week the weekend felt like it passed so quickly. Saturday and Sunday were a blur of cleaning up the camping stuff. The tent was easy, but just load after load of tables, coolers, buckets of food, clothes, kid’s clothes, jackets, scout equipment… It was most of Saturday putting away camping stuff, doing dishes, doing laundry, then Sunday catching up on laundry, and organizing the three new medium containers.

A Messy Room Feels Chaotic
A Small Neat Room Feels Calmer

I’ve had a busy month moving bamboo, sharing school tips, two birthdays, my sister’s surgery, picking up the dog’s ashes, the scout group growing, camping trip and some family tension through it all. So it makes sense things were getting messy, but I also have to deal with it. The bedroom wasn’t too bad to do the first draft of cleaning, everything off the floor, vacuum/mop, toys and books away, but there are cluttered buckets still.

My sister and I cleaned the lizard water and cage and cleaned the floors, I organized and labeled the scout/educational stuff and put it away in the office. I used all my new buckets I kind of need more buckets already. I kept sorting things and yet at the end of the day I still have a lot more clutter to go through.

Monday: Last week we were returning to school after spring break, doing assessments and reviews with Brainscape flashcards. This week in school we made a lot of progress in Spanish and Agriculture.

Tuesday: Last week rested on the last chill day before the camping trip. This week we covered Spanish future and past tense catching up to 80% where we should be as well as doing a lot of yard work.

I broke the wood a little, by tossing it into a rock, going to try to repair it… the blueberries look well, but have some white on their leaves, I should make a baking soda spray.

I moved the bridge to check out where the leak of the water feature is, but not sure yet.
First thing to do is find a leak, then I can work on cleaning up the water and plants…

To do for blueberries: Mix 1 tablespoon baking soda with 1 tablespoon vegetable oil and 1 teaspoon dish soap in 1 gallon of water.

To do for strawberries: prep a new bed area…

Got some peat pods coming for guanabana seeds and waiting for peat pods for them and 5 gallon bags for those…

Wednesday: Last week we lost two students and got a new student in martial arts. This week doing slime again and elephant toothpaste:

The Science:

The yeast contains an enzyme called Catalase that breaks down hydrogen peroxide (H2O2) into oxygen gas and water. The oxygen gas gets trapped by the soap, and you get a large foamy solution that squirts out of the top of the bottle!

The cool thing about this activity is that the enzyme Catalase can also be found in potatoes, dogs and even us! We have the same enzyme in our bodies. That is why you see the 3% hydrogen peroxide bubble when you put it on a cut or scrape. The oxygen released is what kills the germs in the cut. We have this enzyme because we naturally produce low amounts hydrogen peroxide as a byproduct of oxidative metabolism (the way that a cell gains useful energy). Our cells need energy, but low amounts of hydrogen peroxide are produced and need to be neutralized through enzymes like Catalase.

We did the elephant toothpaste and the slime, we had one student come for karate and that was nice. At the end of the night, we heard a song live, one I remember that had Waipi’o in it.

Hi’ilawe

Kamaka ka ikena ia Hi’ilawe
I ka papa lohi mai a’o Maukele

Kamaka ka ikena ia Hi’ilawe
I ka papa lohi mai a’o Maukele

Pakele mai au i ka nui manu
Hauwala’au nei puni Waipi’o

Pakele mai au i ka nui manu
Hauwala’au nei puni Waipi’o

A’ole no wau e loa’a mai
A he uhiwai au no ke kuahiwi

A’ole no wau e loa’a mai
A he uhiwai au no ke kuahiwi

He hiwahiwa au no ka makua
A he lei ‘a’i na ke kupuna

He hiwahiwa au no ka makua
A he lei ‘a’i na ke kupuna

Na Puna ke ‘ala i hali’ia mai
Noho i ka wailele a’o Hi’ilawe

Na Puna ke ‘ala i hali’ia mai
Noho i ka wailele a’o Hi’ilawe

Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Kamaka ka ‘ikena ia Hi’ilawe

Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Kamaka ka ‘ikena ia Hi’ilawe

Thursday: Last week I made fire using a fire bow, this week my favorite place came up on Momentum, Half Dome. It’s a sleepy day, my daughter covered a lot of Agriculture and my son covered a lot of preschool sign language and sight words. I moved our beds, washed the floor, mattresses, and basebords with concrobium mold control spray a lot of mold had grown between this time and last time. In the middle of laundry it seems interminable.

Friday: Last week I watched a scout use the bowline knot to repel off a eucalyptus tree. This week I was making nan with a new recipe.

I wrote this poem today:

ืžืขื•ืฃ ื“ืจื•ืจ

.ื“ืจื•ืจื™ื ืขืคื™ื; ืœืืŸ ืฉื”ื ื”ื•ืœื›ื™ื, ื™ืฉ ืื ืฉื™ื ื˜ื•ื‘ื™ื

I drew the sparrow with only letters, I find that art kind of cool, though I wouldn’t want to be limited to it as some Islamic artists are, I do find it interesting in the way it turns the letters back into shapes that they kind of stop being when you already associate sounds with them.

My week is over as well as a good portion of the year, a quarter past, three to go of this year and I wonder again if a year means anything if Earth is special, or is it just a random 3/12 of a time that is arbitrary? Is a year special or artificially important? I don’t have a gut feeling of it either way.

but it does feel like an ending this week. My friend left… last Friday they brought me blueberry plants, this week they are six hours away, so far that the sunrise is a quarter of a day different, they moved into my past and left us in their future. by the time I was done with my daughter’s coding class and dinner I had a new message ad if I got back to them it would be midnight where they are. I don’t want to take chances texting them in case they are not on silent. So when I wake up at 5:30 AM it’s 11:30 for them, that would be fine to send a message. I tried to do my best to have a good scout meeting with 2/3 of us founders, and it went okay, we made slime, we did foam experiments, we swam with turtles, we heard live music, it was not a bad day, there were good kids, my kids had fun, other kids had fun, we progressed on our scouts program, on meeting key community members who share our space.

I had to listen to more Elton John.


Something new this week: Made elephant toothpaste at the beach.

Something good this week: My husband encouraged me to get my son clothes, as well as my daughter, sometimes it’s good to take the time to get a new outfit. We are lucky we can, but sometimes even when I can I just don’t, sometimes I get stuck on budget mode, which isn’t horrible, but if the kids can have some nice things, they might as well then. It’s almost like I get guilty that we can get nice things, but my husband pushes me back to a middle ground.

Something unexpected: Heard “Hi’iawe” live at the beach.

๐ŸŽต

๐Ÿฃ 2022 Worm Moon ๐ŸŽ‘

A Month of Emotions

I looked over my weekly notes and I’m labeling the pictures of how I felt both with the Yale Mood Meter scale, that exercise is called “labeling” and is supposed to increase granularity and emotional intelligence.

The first week went from pleasant surprise at recognition to hopeful eudaimonia, to hopeless overwhelming insecurity, to gratitude and connection, to uneasy hurt and ended in an intense disconnection. It strikes me as one of the most rollercoaster-like weeks I’ve ever noticed, but I don’t know if it really is or if I just never noticed.

The second week went from worried I wouldn’t be there for my kids if I stayed sick a long time, livid my father was wet blanketing my children’s happiness with paranoia and histrionics, peaceful when I was at peace with myself for getting sick and being only human, grateful for the good health or hours of good health I did have, inspired by the positive environment our scout group helped to foster, sufficient that I am enough, that I did a decent job as a mother despite what perfectionists and critics may say, and disappointed in an ambivalent bittersweet way that good friends were moving away to where perhaps was a better future for them.

The third week I felt really serene that life was changing in ways I didn’t understand, the next day I felt timeless like being on summer vacation as a child, kind of unrushed catharsis and lost in eternal time, then my grief from friends moving lessened to disappointment, then I found out we had 12 days before they left and I was hopeful that at least we could have a few more fun days together, the next day I was inspired to start a Patreon for the scouts, I don’t know if it will be successful, but it’s a good feeling to even being open to letting others help, I don’t always feel that way, it’s an optimistic feeling, I ended the week inspired about life, about spring about our scout group.

The fourth week I felt blessed to enjoy another day with our friends who are leaving, the next day we brought home our dog’s urn and that made me feel reflective, kind of thoughtful, but not thinking about any one thing, so I call that more reflective like my heart was thinking instead of my mind, when we went back to school from spring break we ran the assessment tests we had last year and had lots of progress so it did make me feel motivated that we were successful in growth, Tuesday I felt comfortable with life and the garden, I have some lavender coming up those little new sprouts tend to cheer me up despite the disorder and large amount of undone garden projects the sprouts give me hope for the future, I’m really inspired by the amount the other parents bring to our group, it’s touching how much they are committed to giving what they can to their kids and the other kids, I was touched that some people took the bus to come to the meetup when their car was in the shop, it must hold a lot of value to make it worth the trouble of taking the bus with two little kids, during the camping trip I chopped wood and made fire, it made me feel a strong connection to the past and a continuity from the past to me to the future, the second day of camping I was really proud of the scouts for using what they learned and trying new things.

Today is March 27th, and the pandemic is officially “over” though it is still around as a not a pandemic germ or whatever. Good riddance to bad public health safety measures I say, I think more than bitter or angry I am at this point relieved that it looks like the craziness of the past two years is now all done, during I was definitely bitterly bitter as I felt the areas I lived in went beyond what was right and missed what was effective both leaving people both under-protected and over restricted in a lose-lose situation.

Meta Emotion: Looking back at the third month I was energized by the coming spring even if I was sick at times or overwhelmed at times, overall I had hope for the future and a positive outlook to try my best with what I have. So that leads me to choose the “Happy Holi feeling” as the overall feeling of this month, which represents three things, love, the coming of spring after winter, and the triumph of good over evil.

I feel like I’m able to be with my feelings better than before, which is good. I still feel like living with other people can be very difficult, but at least I am still trying. ๐Ÿฃ

Physical Health: Didn’t work out at all other than martial arts and hikes, but just getting through normal life was for sure a triumph this month so I’m completely at peace with that, it’s to survive months like this that I ever work out. I don’t live to work out, I work out to have the strength to live my best life.

Social Health: On one hand my heart is bleeding a little to adjust to my good friends moving far, but on the other hand I like people at the scout group, I find most of the children sweet or charming, and the adults helpful, kind, and interesting. So it’s weird, I’m not satisfied, but I’m not isolating myself either, somewhere between.

Mental Health: This month living with my dad at times tries my patience but talking to my husband and sister that all of us younger people at least need to stay on the same page has helped. My dad gets paranoid sometimes and is super annoying at times, like when he told me my heavy pot will defiantly break the stove someday… Really? How about please take your pot off the stove… that would be less annoying. Those little lies, you are going to fall down (then you don’t), you are going to break that (and you don’t) they really keep me from respecting the people who tell them. I guess they are common turns of phrase, but they are like kryptonite to me, they are a red flag the person doesn’t care too much to be honest or informed about reality, but rather live with fear as a compass instead of values. So perhaps it’s not as bad as it could be, but I have to be honest I don’t treasure living with my dad and can’t wait until we have our own place to go to someday.

Something New: Our Adventure Scouts got a Patreon account set up besides updating the website and we did our first official camping trip.

What helped: Really embracing that I won’t be able to do everything I want to and some things will not work out well, but knowing what I do do is usually enough for me and the people I care about and that the things that do work out are so many that it’s usually still a positive impact.

๏ปฟ

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is img_20220128_162158944.jpg
“What are you going to do with your life lady?”
I did this! Planted blueberries for our “farm”.

BIG GOAL: Organize my stuff. (Started.)

Physical Goal: Actually clean up and organize more than exercise. (Did some.)

Social: Keep up the new Wednesday habit. (Did it and added a 1.5 day camping trip!)

Mental: Fix the pond leak sometime this month, which means finding it, I have a lot of liner, I have waterfall foam, now it’s just move everything out, check everything out and go. (Didn’t yet.)

๐Ÿฃ

โ˜” 2022 Twelfth Week ๐Ÿ”ฅ

There is magic in sincere forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive.”

Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

GOAL REMINDERS:

Made Using Lucid Chart
Last week: I did seed the new grass, I did plant the Rhubarb seeds, a baby duck came to the biology week meet up, it was so cute, it’s name was Sunny. It felt like a good week, but a week on fast forward as well. It seems like how often we see people, have people over and go out has doubled and that’s a lot for me, I want to mentally catch up some how, so again I have that Jurassic Park Allan Grant feeling:

“The world has just changed so radically and we’re all running to catch up.”

– Dr. Allan Grant (Jurassic Park)

This week: I want to place the slug beer traps… but the camping trip is the main goal.

ANTI-DEMENTIA REMINDERS:

Stuff coming up: Camping Thursday/Friday. Check-In With Student Loan

Next year: Jan-May 15th Turn in 990

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Faith in myself. ๐ŸŽต SUN Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. MON Proactivity, know what I want. TUE Teamwork smarter group work. WED Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. THR Purpose know what I can do. FRI Creativity thinking of new ways to do better.

HEALTH JOURNAL:

Saturday Faith
Sunday Unity
Monday Plans
Tuesday Teamwork
Wednesday Connection
Thursday Purpose
Friday
Creativity

Mental Health: Friday – I feel a bit off-balanced still, a bit over-socialized and underqualified, but I’m going to do my best with everything because that’s me. Monday – Returning to school after spring break, a bit hard, but mostly good. My daughter is graduating 1st grade, she writes at 50% speed, she reads and types at 3rd-grade level, I have a suspicion it takes so long for her to write due to dyslexia, she is looking at the words, copying them, getting lost, refinding the spot and throwing fits, I don’t know what her speed at original composition is, I should look at that and compare. It’s weird to me that when she reads out loud she is at 113 words per minute, but for writing, she is at 2 words per minute. Thursday – Been getting through each challenge well, but still lacking confidence on the inside, trying to accept my friends going away gracefully, but to really do it is harder. By the end of the week I really miss my friends still, they came over and brought me four blueberry plants, soil, and pots, all really nice ones, I planted them the very next morning and it feels heart-breakingly sweet that they know exactly what to get me that I would really love.

Physical Health: Friday – Still doing a slight cough from time to time, but 90% energy and pretty well overall. Thursday – I think I finally stopped the cough and it’s just some extra congestion and mucus in the morning, I guess only stragglers are left. By week’s end finally about normal.

Social Health: Friday – I’m having fun with our Science/Scouting group, certain moments, like when a lady told me her flowers bloomed so she could get the third place in the competition, things like that, like when a little girl cleaned up all the blocks, like when more and more people are not only sharing the work, but recognizing the value of what we do, and sharing the fun. All these little good moments keep happening and it makes it really easy to want to do it again the next week. Thursday I have good friends and I have a good group to allow me and others to make more, it’s just that we are losing some key members and that makes everything bittersweet. By the end of the week a lot more at peace with spending more time with so many people, because the people are changing from strangers to friends.


LIFE JOURNAL:

Kalahari Sunset by the Wandering Ambivert, found it last Friday, but still into it.

Saturday: Last week I was working on my son’s first-year video, which has been sitting on the back burner for two years. After it was done I felt really good though, he liked it and it was nice that it was done. It felt like it was a rock in my creative river and after finishing that, subtle things I can’t name started flowing again. We went to the market, caves, a waterfall and for pizza, good, but busy as well.

Sunday: Last Sunday we planted bentgrass with my daughter’s best friend, the seeds are doing very well already, it seems like the best grass in general for what we are doing is also the best suited to our area, so that’s something going well. This week my kids went with my sister to a cool Smithsonian Dino exhibit, I couldn’t go because I don’t have a vaccine card, but I got to go out to eat with my husband for the first time in about three years without kids. We also did our shopping so I got all my weird chemicals, hydrogen peroxide for elephant toothpaste, alcohol for DNA extraction, corn starch for Holi colored powder, potato starch for mochi, contact solution for slime, some containers for slime. I made juice from Soursop because our friends bought us one Saturday at the farmers market, it was really tasty actually. We picked up our passed away dog’s urn unexpectedly at night, so that tired me out. When the urn came back my daughter kept crying, which I guess is good. I didn’t really wait for the urn to grieve, but my sister and daughter did. The mood wasn’t too dark, just sincere and emotional, it felt kind of healthy and cathartic.

Monday: Last week we were doing Acellus with family friends, showing them Adventure Academy and Duolingo, I don’t know what will help or stick, but it’s good to keep an open mind, try new things and tell people when you find good things (I hope so anyway). This week we are returning to school after spring break, a bit hard, but mostly good. My daughter is graduating 1st grade, she writes at 50% speed, she reads and types at 3rd-grade level, I have a suspicion it takes so long for her to write due to dyslexia, she is looking at the words, copying them, getting lost, refinding the spot and throwing fits, I don’t know what her speed at original composition is, I should look at that and compare. It’s weird to me that when she reads out loud she is at 113 words per minute, but for writing, she is at 2 words per minute instead of 4, which would be grade normal. We finished the FFA unit in Agriculture and I also updated a lot of notes. We did a review of Spanish in an online flashcard program. I looked over our remaining classes, everything is near 70% which is fine to finish the year out on time in late May. Sometimes my mind seems to be 90% a log of curriculum and teaching rhetoric, other times I feel like a regular human, and other times I feel 1/3 teacher, 2/3 human being. The fire bow, patches, tent, compass, and three walkie-talkies came for camping, I don’t know exactly how things are going to work out camping, but it seems like it will be fun and it will be fine… that’s coming up so soon. Let’s see, I guess I could make a printout for each badge of the action, like fire starting with a fire bow, the science force, friction ext and then put them in document protection sheets and put them in folders and make like 2-4 folders… Star Viewing, Camping Skills… Navigation…

Tuesday: Last week we met a neighbor’s granddaughter and had my daughter’s first sleepover and that was fine, resting on the last chill day before the camping trip, Wednesday will be the beach and then Thursday/Friday are camping days.

Wednesday: Last week I did a DNA extraction at the beach, this week I forgot the plasma ball but we did a lot of art, there wasn’t music, it was kind of an off day two moms had car issues, one their car got broken into and the other their car is in the shop and they took the bus, but it was still fun overall, it was really touching that some people take the bus to come or others come despite dealing with car break-in repair and wallet replacement ext, the commitment from the other parents is super inspiring.

Thursday: Last week started a Patreon Account for our scout group, this week we went camping. My kids are good campers, both off to sleep at 8PM. I went to sleep later but slept well eventually. When I woke up, I saw Venus, it was pretty, but I’m surprised ancient people knew it was a planet and not a star, it just looks like a star to me. There was a miscommunication that happened on a hike, and I feel bad for the mother of a girl who went on an unapproved hike and came back safely. I am going to double-check in the future but I still feel unsettled by it. We need more clarity and redundancy. I made fire using a fire bow with a ton of help from a friend, it was so much harder than I thought but also cooler.

Friday: Last week I finished my son’s video project, which had been looming over my mind for some time, and started a Trauma and Brain Development course. This week I was on a camping trip and hiked Bird Park. The most notable part of the day was watching a child use the bowline knot we learned to climb from a tree, it’s one thing to learn something, another to remember it, but something entirely different to apply it.


Something new this week: Made a fire for the first time (without matches or a lighter).

Something good this week: Planted four blueberry plants that were gifts.

Something unexpected: Seeing the bowline knot go into usage was beyond my expectations and it’s a hard feeling to describe.

๐Ÿ”ฅ