๐ŸŽ W4 Live – Lift – Love ๐Ÿ’ฉ

Darkness cannot drive out darknessonly light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. 

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Saturday/Creative Day: Last week, finally cleaned the bathroom, I was impressed with myself because I was sick so I didn’t expect to get to it. This week was a blur, we took a COVID test, we did have COVID, I don’t know for how long it was coming on because we had fevers for a long time with the other flus ext we have been having. It hit me pretty hard since I have asthma, but not as bad as those who need the hospital. I didn’t take good care of myself since my kids were sick too, so I took okay care of them and myself, but not as good as if it was only one sick person. I couldn’t hold water down due to nausea, I didn’t feel like suffering so I took Dramamine and that helped a lot, peppermint helped too. My sister made a lemon ginger soup and I think that helped a lot, but it’s hard to say, even with everything I did to feel better I was very sick for two days and then medium sick for a month.

Sunday/Faith Day: Two weeks ago I was getting tired of my dad’s communication style and this week we were essentially fighting. Though I walked away from a prolonged fight, he swore at me and said all the things to me I assumed he felt, that he didn’t support me or my parenting, that he wanted things his way and found my ways annoying that he didn’t respect my boundaries above his own convivence. It’s horrible to hear those things, but it does make me feel sane that the suspicions I had about how he felt were how he felt and why I feel so drained parenting around him, constantly feeling either undermined or judged. I don’t love him enough to have a really passionate, back and forth fight about anything with my dad. His opinions cause me a lot of exhaustion because he makes me being myself the upstream direction, when he isn’t around me being myself feels like an effortless flow. He has a desire to be respected, but his outbursts and disrespect of others prohibits much deep respect for him to develop. On a positive note I was excited to get some new school supplies, dictionaries, writing work books. Being sick with COVID wasn’t easy, but living in a dysfunctional family made it twice as bad. During hard times is when you see if you are part of a good family, they could make it better, or they can make it much worse. It saddens me for my kids to see weakness from the elders down, in our family older people don’t know or act better, it’s the opposite. Our kids are our our hope for emotionally functional, ethical, whole human beings and we are trying more not to damage them, then to guide them, because we are a broken and lost family from my parents generation, I am a pivot just trying new things, striving to be healthy and non-toxic, and my kids are more able to have integrity or genuine meaningful relationships than myself or my elders. I don’t feel brave or happy to give my kids a better life, instead I’m jealous, and I grieve that my family of origin was so messed up and broken. I do do my best always, but I’ve never fully felt good about all the toxic things about my parents passive aggressiveness, or critical lashing out at children who don’t support their adult emotions, which they don’t have healthy patterns to manage on their own. Even if I’m grateful for what my parents have done for me and given me, the overall emotion for the way they raised me and the relationship we have is hate. I hated the way my parents treated me as a child, but as an adult I saw that parenting is very hard and relentless and I understood that they worked hard, though I still hate the way they treat me. It made me strong having to rely on myself, but I would trade that any day for parents that supported me instead of opposing me or even ones who stood aside without feeling the need to discourage me.

Monday/Unity Day: Last year I wrote “I don’t like the family tension but I can refuse to feed into it more than what it is on it’s own.” I’m still doing my best with that. I cleaned up mold that was bothering me, I’m cleaning it more than I ever used to clean, but it grows so quickly that there is always some mold that makes me feel guilty I haven’t gotten to cleaning, I feel paranoid it leads to us being sick more than other families and I and the kids worry about them getting asthma, but it’s a tropical reality to deal with some amount of mold more than in dry places where it happens once or twice a year on accident, our whole environment molds and walls, ceilings, floors, baseboards, all items, clothes, paper, books have to be de molded monthly.

Out of the mold that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of covid

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and cockroaches

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my clutter.

WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY – Hawaii Remix

Though I had a lot of chest pain this week, which I have seen doctors for before, but they aren’t interested in investigating due to my overall good healthy and kind of youth… and I haven’t felt good, I’ve made small changes in my environment, scrubbing the shower, doing a good job teaching US history and I see that I’m making Towards Choices, things that lead me to my goal life, which is where I use healthy discipline instead of ranting at my kids in a toxic way, healthy organizational habits where grime doesn’t sit and clutter doesn’t become a hazard, healthy education where the kids have strong skills for spelling, math, chemistry but they have time for art or music or interests, I haven’t cared at all about cooking or healthy eating, at this point in my life I’m tired of worrying about healthy eating, healthy eating didn’t keep us healthy, unhealthy eating hasn’t affected us in reality, unless we get diabetes or high cholesterol I actually can’t find it in my heart to care anymore. My daughter lost faith in God this year and I’ve lost faith in “healthy” eating, maybe I don’t know what healthy is, but in that case I still don’t and to hell with it.

Tuesday/Self-Determination: Last week sick with the Coronavirus, this week still sick. I found out a week later a lot of people in our area were sick, especially kids, we really slowed the spread in Hawaii, but now that we are getting sick work places no longer care and there isn’t financial assistance anymore, I wish that it hadn’t become a political issue as much as it has, but here we are now, this is when our community is ill and it’s no longer in vouge to get time off or rent assistance. I’m grateful that we had a lot of food going into the sickness so there was no need to shop, I’m one of the bigger eaters and I can barely eat so that did help, but we had a lot of frozen food and food starting off, I wouldn’t want to get anyone sick with this, it’s not killing us, but it’s a bit more unpleasant than the normal flu.With the normal flu I was tired, I was sore in my throat, I had gunk in my lungs, with this one I’m not tired because I’m too weak to do normal stuff so I just sit around like a gargoyle, unhappy, but very upright, I am sore in my heart which makes me paranoid to avoid activity even more, I have a ton of super sticky gunk flowing out of my lungs at a gross rate, I drink a tea or coffee then excrete mucus into the cup at a gross rate, but the mullein tea dissolves it enough that it doesn’t stay in my lungs, when it does build up there it feels like I’m drowning. I feel bad because other people have it worse, they don’t have food stocked, or money to be comfortable, or a place to be alone and be able to use the bathroom without cleaning it for others, I feel bad others were more sick and died, I feel bad also that other people were less sick and got back to life after a day or didn’t even notice they were sick. I know it’s illogical to feel bad about being not sick enough and too sick, but that’s how I felt, which is why I almost didn’t write about the week I was sitting in bed with COVID. But I may want to remember someday, that we fell in the middle, that we were sick for a month, that I didn’t like it, that the half of the family that was vaccinated didn’t get less sick or recover better, I may want to remember that there are reasons I am stressed out and don’t preform better my tasks I want to get done, I also have been going for over a year and don’t want to break the streak.

Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last week we stayed home sick my daughter had a high fever I was looking up what doctor to take her to if it didn’t break in the next few days, there isn’t a lot to choose from where I live. I found a doctor but didn’t go because her fever broke and we COVID tested at home and found out why she was sick. I’ve had diarrhea almost the whole COVID, if I don’t eat I don’t have to get up so been doing a lot of not eating and not drinking so I can enjoy sitting up in bed with my tea/spit cup. I was using spit towels, but the smell of COVID spit, or mine at least, is nauseating, and for whatever reason the smell of spit cup isn’t? I am sick enough I don’t feel bad for not doing much. I would have let the kids play instead of doing school work if they would play without going crazy and getting in trouble, but they won’t, so we did our easiest school work, spelling, history, English, no piano, no Spanish, not this week… but even as we are sick I see a lot of improvement in the subjects we focus on. I’m “integrating” the material so we learned about Lincoln dealing with civil rights and ethics, and also Ghandi and then Martin Luther King Jr reading about Ghandi and also Nelson Mandela reading about Ghandi. So it’s a message of how the world affects America and how America affects the world and I find it inspiring that America does affect the world in being a think tank, then looking back on the Bill of Rights you can see how we became a think tank. I had a hard time putting it to words that all our amendments show both progress and flaws, injustice is why there were amendments, but the fact we moved forward says something good. Essentially I don’t agree and am not a fan of the founding fathers America, but I am a fan of Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr’s dream of America, so I’m happy that my kids learn real American history not the lies I learned in public school in the 80s, because some American history is great or beautiful, but when you water it down with lies it detracts from what was special and when you call us the greatest it seems to detract from the reality of the suffering and disfunction that was inherent in colonialization and what really boils down to unlawful subjugation of one group by another group who invents a fake right to do illegal things and then believes in their right that others may not do those same things to them. It’s amazing that people went from fighting a just war to smoking pot in one generation, from my dad’s generation of wealth seeking to mine of minimalism and relationship building/experience seeking, to now we want even our fast food delivered to our houses and we are on opioids and depressed at the stress of life. America’s freedom has been as dark as it has worthy, freedom to subjugate others, murder, steal, victim blame, sell drugs, take drugs, but also to dream of civil rights, to work towards equality free of class and race, to imagine things, discuss things. We are free thinkers more than free people in some regards, but that freedom to think hasn’t lead to good health, but rather increasing anxiety and depression, the freedom to create a life style has lead to unhealthy physical choices, unhealthy fiscal choices, often unhealthy ethical choices. Freedom isn’t free. During the pandemic the loss of freedom was worse then my loss of imagined safety or security or stability, I never identified with being an American despite having always been one, but I had always been enjoying the sense we had more freedom than the rest of the world and more public say on government intrusion and restriction, but that was simply not the case in 2020, we had an average amount of freedom similar to China, and that murdered my sense that we live in a country that is above average. The rhetoric of history made me believe the US is both horrible and wonderful, but in my experiences living here are that it’s a mediocre country in health care and education and treatment of women or creative people and average in safety and stability and economy, somewhere from mediocre to average is what I’ve experienced, but to be fair it’s never been horrible in my life time. Sometimes it’s questionable or messed up, but I’ve not had to walk over dead bodies to escape from my slaughtered village, there is injustice and there has been large scale injustice, but what we deal with today is walking over one dead body not a village of them… people still slip through the cracks, but there is some sense of being willing to sacrifice for others, there is stability provided by those who sacrifice for us, it’s not quite solidarity, but there are good people and there is the capacity for further change within the limited freedom we enjoy. My son felt bad that president Lincoln got shot, he said “poor president Lincoln,” I never heard anyone else say that, I think most of us see famous people as vessels for history and fail to see them as people, my daughter didn’t have that reaction, she was more surprised that presidents could be shot. Watching Martin Luther King Jr, Lincoln and Ghandi get shot proves that weird phenomena I have trouble explaining about US history, Martin Luther King Jr and Lincoln both got shot for freedom of speech, which is a right of the bill of rights (the first one), but rights are not by default protected, so it’s a freedom, but it’s a freedom that isn’t free. I struggle to explain that we don’t have rights as much as we have goals to have rights someday, I don’t want to deny what there is, but what there is isn’t the same as what there is on paper, history is so much more fictitious and distorted or at least subjective then the other subjects I teach that it leaves me feeling confused and somewhat dirty so much more than teaching the music scales or multiplication tables, history is a subject that I don’t understand but am trying to teach, which is a place I don’t like to be… but nonetheless it’s going well, my kids are able to see how it ties together from place to place, period to period in a way I never did. Even though I don’t love history I want them to be informed about why things are structured the way they are, and history also holds a lot of insight to human nature and perhaps better ways of life balance from before we modernized and became riddled with anxiety and depression so much that it seems to be the minority who has good mental health.

Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Last week very sick. This week somewhere between sick and very sick, not feeling super eloquent. I feel broken, I feel like my family is broken, I feel like my country is broken. I went to check my student loan amount to see if the law suit against my school failed or went through, there was a -$20,000 loan forgiveness application but it couldn’t process because it’s under a law suit, so I can’t pay my student loan of -$40,000 repayment will restart in June I think, but I can’t start the application about any reduction because the country isn’t able to agree if there should or shouldn’t be a reduction, the country is in essence fighting between how much power the president vs local government should have, something going on since Lincoln’s time. I miss the kids having their father around since he left for work, it’s our 11 year anniversary Sunday and we are apart because of COVID, it through off where we lived multiple times, because it changed our travel months because we couldn’t fly out of California at all, then we couldn’t fly out of Hawaii without a mask on my 2 year old who wouldn’t wear one… I’m sad to be spending my anniversary without my husband, we aren’t divorced but the kids have been apart from him so much over the past 3 years I feel like he is missing them growing up and though he isn’t helpful to me much, he means the world to them. He is looking for a place for us to resume living with him our normal half the year, I don’t know how long it is going to take, we would have bought a started home if it wasn’t the pandemic, other people bought and sold, but he is skittish of home buying and now waiting for the market to bottom out further. So another way COVID destabilized our family life was the housing shift up and now down, in our case it got in the way of having a home and for many months being together, and in the months we were together there was trauma I really believe wouldn’t have been there without the stress that added to taking my daughter to therapy, but maybe the therapy will long term have provided us with better mental health than if we didn’t need to go and then go? Because we learned PCIT, parent child interaction therapy, which shifted my mind from kids should do what they are told to, we should train our kids to do what we expect them to do, which was really good to help me reach my goals, but it put me at odds with my dad even more than before, which had been draining… I think the one word to describe COVID as an event and as an illness was “DRAINING”.

Friday/Creativity Day: Last week I was so sick I didn’t care about my lack of productivity this November/December/January. This week I’m sick and the days are passing in a blur of managing nausea vs dehydration, feeling pretty bleak but wanting to be supportive and inspiring to my kids. When they ask for the next meal and I make it, I feel like a hero, then I go rest, the stress from being at odds with my dad doesn’t go away, but it simmers down. He apologizes and then immediately goes back to criticizing my kids in a way that irritates me and I can keep silent about hating him, but what I can’t do is even imagine ever really loving him or respecting him no matter how much I try to be grateful. Ghandi said “It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.” That inspires me to just accept that I hate my dad, that I will probably always hate him. I spend the day online reading about other people who hate their dad, which is about 50% of people and I know my dad resented his dad, but I think he didn’t develop good communication skills himself, so though I don’t blame him for who he because I do blame him for who his IS now and I don’t hate him because I want to hate him, but it’s just impossible not to hate him for me. When I am around him I have trouble singing, playing music, feeling comfortable, talking about my goals, I’m afraid of him throwing a fit I don’t want to deal with, trying to bring me to his view points in conversation which he won’t, blaming others for his emotions which makes me upset and sad, and now I’m afraid of him swearing at me in front of my kids, which makes me ashamed of him, ashamed he hasn’t learned better then that. The way he argues only makes people hate him, and I haven’t found a hack to not care enough to take the burden of hate off myself, even though I would like to not care, it affects me enough that I do care, because it is a bad environment and it remains as bad blood between us because the apologies are insincere. I don’t expect more, I don’t expect him to get better, I don’t expect him to understand, I think he has either growing dementia or just a personality that he is right and he will yell at you to not prove it… But it’s a lot of dads out there like that, maybe the average dad.

Last Year to This Year

Last Year: I was cleaning, excited to teach chemistry, restarting teaching martial arts, we had our chickens still.

This Year: I don’t keep chickens anymore because my dad complained a lot about their poop, but this year the front of the house is covered with dog poop instead I don’t see how he doesn’t find it gross to leave poop all over the front yard and back yard and pee smell in his room. I don’t want to talk about it with him, I don’t want to talk about anything with him. I wish I had saved more for my own house and I wish I had a dad who wasn’t both picky and dirty. I felt bad for hating my dad’s mess and guilty about mine, but that didn’t feel any better then admitting to myself it’s hard for me to live with someone as dirty as my dad is comfortable being, but it has always been both difficult and frustrating living alongside my dad’s mess.

Live – Lift – Love

Live – I was on survival mode getting through cooking for the kids, spitting up mucus and all of us running fevers until we got better from COVID, I had moments of joy with the kids still, it’s just kind of an underachieving blur that runs from meal to meal.

Lift – Looking at last year lifts my spirits, seeing that we did have chickens, it meant a lot to me for the kids to experience real agriculture during agriculture class online, online school is not something I’m going to bad mouth, it’s a tool I use, but integrating it with hands on learning is a completely different experience. Even though we may not keep chickens anymore I really enjoyed that my kids had the experience of raising chickens from chicks and collecting eggs, it was a really connecting experience between my kids and myself and my husband and myself, even though it divided my dad and I what really divides us it the way he responds to his anxiety, not the reality, and not that he has anxiety, but the way he expects others to understand and then be ruled by his fear is really off putting for me. If I would have lived my life based on his fear I wouldn’t have married, I wouldn’t have kids, I wouldn’t have done martial arts, I wouldn’t have gone to Brazil, I wouldn’t have drove a motorcycle, I wouldn’t have ever been myself or lived my fullest life, it’s really frustrating that instead of working to manage his fear around his life he wants others to manage their lives around his fear that he doesn’t fully communicate so it’s not only stupid, but a stupid guessing game, and I don’t like to play stupid guessing games about restricting my life based on fear. It lifts my spirits that we had chickens before, I just wish I would have had my own home to have them on my own terms, that was a mistake not to save more for that. I am glad I once hoped to live my best life at my dad’s house, even though it didn’t work out in the end, I had an open heart to start fresh with him and just see how we got along.

Love – I love my children, though I feel unsettled at times by not being a home owner I will always fight with others to try to protect my children from being criticized excessively or being exposed to toxic media or toxic ideas. It’s more about that I love them and want them to go through life with healthy coping skills that will let them live their best lives. I was noticing feeling a lot of hate this week, but when I think back on it, it had always been there. The reaction of a sensitive child with a critical parent is either to crumble or hate and I chose/chose to hate it. But by ignoring my own feelings of discomfort in the name of giving my dad a chance to know the kids and perhaps to get along with him and have a positive relationship with him as an adult I gave up the chance of feeling comfortable in my own skin, feeling more at ease raising my kids without judgement and being able to focus on my own goals/dreams/well being without near constant distractions from him wanting attention or complaining or just making the noise of his preferred life style that interrupted mine. I felt less peaceful to enjoy loving my children and felt less love for myself while living with my dad this past year and if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have put myself in the situation of living with him with my young kids, now that they are almost big kids, I regret not being alone with them to play and be silly and be happy without the burden that my dad brings to the table emotionally whenever he is around. I know why I tried out of hope, but also wanting to have our family know each other and to make sure I knew my father as much as I wanted to know him before he is gone someday. I did all those things, but I didn’t realize the cost to my kids knowing and liking my dad would be me knowing for sure that I don’t. Mostly he off balances me when I am already struggling to balance the kid’s school vs play and I want to organize my stuff but I’m playing catch up cleaning our mess and his mess until I give up all together. I wanted to see if it was a good fit, but what I found was that honestly it was a bad fit, my loud, messy dad doesn’t really like loud, messy kids and I don’t like him either, not honestly. So super negative and maybe hard to understand if you are reading it and not seeing it, but it feels therapeutic to write about what has been draining my energy and why some of the goals I had last year are still on my plate this year…. I may delete it later, but without writing it I didn’t really allow myself to be honest with myself and I didn’t realize how much I was trying to get along out of guilt to be a good daughter, when I maybe can’t be a good daughter, maybe I wasn’t meant to be a good daughter and a good mother and I’d rather be a good mother and fight with my dad any day he calls my son greedy when he isn’t or complains about our noise when he is just as loud constantly. Any sense of wanting to get to know my father more has been replaced by regret that I didn’t use the time and energy to get my own home found/bought/set up instead. But the one thing that happened is it drove me to create our scout non-profit to be out of the house and that was good, so I have something beautiful and good born out of something strenuous and bad just as my kids are good things that came from my bad childhood in a sense. So good from bad, but I see a lot of work left ahead that I have a responsibility to become a home owner and put more distance between my dad and I so I can breathe easier and enjoy life more, because I’ve given him a fair chance now and a lot of time and memories with my kids and now I’ve extended the olive branch enough and it’s time to start setting up a sanctuary for my own well being with either emotional or physical boundaries, but I’ve suffered enough trying to support my family during the pandemic and trying not to ask for much, now I need to be honesty about what didn’t work, what doesn’t work and where I can go from here.

๐Ÿ’ฉ

๐ŸŽ W3 Live – Lift – Love ๐Ÿฆ 

Darkness cannot drive out darknessonly light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. 

Martin Luther King, Jr.

CLOTHES: Going a little better putting them away again like a normal person.

BOOKS: They aren’t very accessible where they are I should move them.

PAPERS: Haven’t gone through them in a long time, been putting it off.

TIME: I had a more formal school start and I think it was helpful, but having trouble going back to it. Song-Bus/Song Time/School Roll/Calendar/Writing/Letter of the Day/Feelings Pond, story time somewhere…

MEMENTOS: Haven’t gone through them much, what I do find I don’t get rid of, even though it won’t keep in this climate.

MISC: This is the worst area right now.

Saturday/Creative Day: Last week cleaning so much. This week felt panicky in the morning, built a gazebo, went to break dancing an hour after I planned to (but it worked out), came back, went out again to eat burgers with friends at night (something I don’t usually do). My sister picked up my dad at the airport. Less cleaning, but just as crazy as the week before. I really like break dancing, it is something that I like as exercise, it is something I find fun, it is something I like watching my kids learn and enjoy. Breakdancing is American, but it infiltrated Japanese culture in a sense as did disco and then both have a certain Japanese variety that I really enjoy. There was a music style called Tsubaru that really went well with breakdancing. Perhaps as a racial hybrid, I relate to and enjoy hybrid art or concepts, or maybe I would have anyways. I like that we are doing it, even though it’s a bit physically hard and hard to start a new habit, the teacher is really awesome though.

Sunday/Faith Day: Last week trying to fix broken plumbing that needed to be replaced. So it didn’t work, but we did order new parts so that maybe it will work later. My dad brought up a reasonable point, but it is so round about way he discusses things, and the way his conclusions are fear themed instead of logical. I miss living without my parents, but I moved out of state so came back to try to find a new house and ended up cohabitating. I could idolize my dad for all the hard work he did raising me and all the things he helped me with, if only I didn’t have to talk to him any more, each time we talk it’s like a cheese grader of his view point grinding down on my arm, and I’m pretty sure it’s also difficult for him to know that his kids don’t agree with his view points or value his values. It makes me lonely talking to him because I feel like we are two different species. We speak English together, but when we do it feels like neither one of us really speaks English well, and whatever else we speak isn’t the same. My sister and I baited for cockroaches and ants, which was good, it’s good to stay ahead of things when possible, because we never get true cold the bugs here are pretty tenacious.

Monday/Unity Day: Last year I wrote “I don’t like the family tension but I can refuse to feed into it more than what it is on it’s own.” I’m still doing my best with that, since becoming a mom I’m much more sensitive to the bad moods of others, I wish I could tap into my natural well being that I used to have so easily. Last week I was really sick, I was struggling with mold and clutter and depression and overwhelm. This week I’m half or more than half better, still a stuffy nose and fevers, but less brain fog and aches. I got rid of most the mold, still need to go through some shelf bottoms and spray on some clove or tea tree oil… I haven’t really organized what I do have since I spent my time and energy de-molding. Therefore my items are cluttered and some normal cleaning is due (bathroom/fridge ext). For the depression a positive energy tea that has orange and yerba matte actually worked, which I wouldn’t have believed. Being overwhelmed I’m still struggling with… We all had 100ยฐ fevers today, I wonder if it was from being in the sun too much Saturday. Teaching great writers like Martin Luther King and great leaders like Nelson Mandela makes me happy to be home schooling. There are some good things about public school, the infrastructure, organization and social opportunities? But home schooling is the king of “content control” if I want Wordsworth instead of Emerson I can have that change done today, if I want to ban books or allow banned books, I can change that today. I can add calligraphy or take away cursive today. Public school can’t change at a high speed, they can change, but it’s harder to implement changes at a fast pace.

Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.

WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY

So I’m happy this year my daughter learned about Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King Jr for Martin Luther King Day. We watched Selma (it wasn’t as violent as Harriot Tubman’s movie, which was crazy violent…). We reviewed Ghandi and Lincoln a little, I like teaching about these difficult but true topics to supplement Social Studies. My kids were really engaged in learning about Martin Luther King Jr and Nelson Mandela, I wanted them to know it’s not about black and white, but justice and injustice, there has been white on white violence in Ireland/England and black on black in Rwanda, so eventually as Martin Luther King Jrs group of support integrated and Nelson Mandela’s group integrated it gave the conclusion that I was hoping for my kids to understand. Though I never wanted to get in trouble for saying so, what I didn’t like about the Black Lives Matter mantra was I felt it was a backstep verbally to what Martin Luther King Jr had already said and done. I think civil rights for minorities, especially blacks is not a complete process, I don’t know if it will ever end for women, I feel like people support the LBGTQ community mostly only on paper and in the media but not always on the actually streets which would make me feel unsafe if my kids wanted to go walking about in the wrong states in the wrong clothes still… Each of the different groups seeking civil rights has chosen different avenues for legitimacy, I think the LBGTQ community was right and successful to pursue legal changes first and worry about public opinion later, but what stands out to me the most is how society seeks someone to hate and stigmatize unnecessarily and when pressure moves onto one group, it is off another. I don’t know how to feel about it, but being Japanese and knowing we were imprisoned with no real legal basis and knowing we were in that spot unjustly, it definitely gives me some compassion for all the other groups who have shared that space of being arbitrary hated rather than punished for a real offense. There has always been a huge gap between the rhetoric and reality of America, America saying they fight oppression in Germany while causing it to Japanese citizens at home, saying they need to free the Vietnamese during the Vietnam war but not protecting their own peaceful marchers following the constitutional process and laws correctly, there is pointing fingers at Muslim countries over treatment of women, while at the same time harboring mistreatment of women… Sometimes it’s hard to understand why the rhetoric matters at all when it’s so far from the truth. But it does matter, because some people believe it, because some people aspire to it, and although we don’t reach our own bar often it creates a psychological identity, mistaken though it often is. So when civil rights changed from “we” shall overcome to “black” lives matter, I saw it as a step back towards disunity, but not caused necessarily by that movement, just reflective of the true disunity that obviously exists in the US where there are no “civil rights” groups but rather “special interest” groups. Perhaps with no one who believes in civil rights, no civil rights leaders exist, or perhaps with no leaders no one believes, but it’s definitely a feeling that each group looks out for only their own in a political sense and that is a weaker position for real change.

Tuesday/Self-Determination: Last week we were all well, this week we are sick with the Coronavirus. I didn’t know it was that until we tested later in the week. My daughter had a fever so I mostly watched her not realizing I was sick too. I felt so tired, I showed a lot of Viking history for school, and the kids did less school work then ever, usually we cover English when they are sick.

Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last week we forgot my car seats in my sister’s car and we didn’t go to the beach, this week we stayed home sick, too sick to work on paperwork either. My daughter had a high fever I was looking up what doctor to take her to if it didn’t break in the next few days, there isn’t a lot to choose from where I live.

Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Last week cleaned up the garden, this week very sick. My daughter is much better, but my son and I are worse. Thick mucus in our lungs that does thin with mullein tea, it’s hard to breathe at times, but also feels okay at times so I’m trying to hold back from overworking when I do feel okay so my energy can go towards getting better.

Friday/Creativity Day: Last week my daughter got over being fussy about spelling, which was a big deal because it wasted a lot of our time and I didn’t know when she would turn that corner. This week I’m too sick to be my normal self or worry about what my best self would look like or think about me.

Last Year to This Year

Last Year: Our favorite dog died, I struggled with family tension, I was struggling with dog waste of indoor dogs poorly housebroken, clutter and to clean the house with little help and a lot of messy people.

This Year: It took a whole year to get used to the dog being gone, she was a special dog, not just a normal one. When I decide to take my own stance on homeschooling, religious choice, gender roles, anything I don’t take into account how much family tension it will cost me to live my truth, and that’s good because if I did understand how much tension and resentment would cost me I don’t know if I could live the way that is best for me. I realize that although I’m living with family now in my ideal future I vastly prefer my own home, so I’m not sure yet where or when, but I do know I would rather just live without my values and choices being questioned all the time, by people who have their own opinions and different values, neither them or I care to be remolded by the other, it is simply a waste of energy I wouldn’t make if I had other options and hope not to make in the future. Sometimes you have friends who are as much family as anyone could ever be, but sometimes you have family who will always feel as unlike family as could be possible. It feels like being a refugee, it’s better then not having anywhere to be, but it isn’t the same as independence, it’s hard to describe that you are one on hand grateful, but at the same time your soul is stifled by living with others without harmony between your values, like living in a duplex with slave owners on the other side, they don’t have to bother you to bother you, the very idea their life style exists bothers you and to live close to it makes it harder to focus on your own life and choices. Sometimes I have hoped for things that I wasn’t sure I wanted, because they were easier than the alternative, I don’t know if it was because I was afraid of a harder truth or because it simply takes exploration to find the truth?

Live – Lift – Love

Live – I am surprised we put up the gazebo, it can use more leveling ext, but the frame is up, the basil is growing well, things are moving along even though we were sick, the few days we were well we moved forward towards the future garden I see in my mind.

Lift – I was lifted by watching Ruby in the movie Invictus, it reminded me of playing during college and it was a fun time watching it with my son and daughter.

Love – I love my children, having a discipline system in place (1-2-3 magic) has allowed me to get rid of our power struggles and I can see how my kids are both different (my son is sweet, charismatic, and assertive) (my daughter is creative, ambitious, and strong) but both very smart and talented intellectually I’m glad to be in a position to teach them, I don’t know when they will be done studying with me but I want to take advantage of whatever time we have together to get ahead so they have an easier time in college or whatever sort of secondary school they go into someday.

๐Ÿฆ 

๐ŸŽ W2 Live – Lift – Love ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

Saturday/Creative Day: Kaizen blitz of the kid’s bedroom, cleaned out mold, built a bed frame, tried to fix the chargers/wires/plugs, curtains adjusted, closet doors removed, toys wipes, decluttered and organized. Was excited to keep reading the 123 Magic discipline book, have a lot to train the kids on with toys and items moving around the house and a new year is a good time to get school time more organized. We worked hard all day, a new bench got a cushion sewed, so many boxes of toys got sorted into dinos/dragons, vehicles, monster trucks, tracks, books got frozen to kill mold, books got sorted through, balls got put away, just a ton of small tasks that usually never happen finally happening in a weird and intense parade of cleaning and organization. My sister took the trash out, last year we had the same holiday build up of trash, I also weeded ginger and worked on paths and decluttered.

CLOTHES: I don’t have too much, but I have enough too, some marital arts stuff and normal people stuff, but a lot less than most ladies I think. I think my hair and earrings are the way I like to express my style and I really don’t feel the need to try hard or spend a lot of time looking for clothes anymore. I want functional stuff my kids can mess up without me getting angry about.

BOOKS: We have very few books, about two milk crates, but we have to clean them all so we go through them fairly often and cycle what we don’t need. It’s not bad.

PAPERS: It’s not a huge volume and but it’s still some junk that hasn’t been sorted, I should take a look soon. Digitally it’s bad that my email was over full and Google Drive so I have to fix where I store my exercise videos and fix my gym website after that…

TIME: We used to do Song-Bus/Song Time/School Roll/Calendar/Writing/Letter of the Day/Feelings Pond and I want to go back to that it was fun, with story time somewhere… maybe at 12:45? Or 1PM…

MEMENTOS: I’m getting better at throwing out kid art work and keeping some… it used to be really hard and pile up. There isn’t that much right now.

MISC: This is where I need to get better, my stuff is too ungrouped, as I get better at putting things away, I find a lot of things have not been assigned places to be and learning how to do that is for some reason hard for me, so I’m working on it, but it’s going slower than I would wish.

Sunday/Faith Day: Last year I was so worried about finishing paperwork ASAP, now I’m just okay with finishing it WP… when possible. I’m fixing up a lot of things around the house like the fish filter, but the pump was broken again, tried to fix it, but couldn’t more of a replacement item… I fertilized the lawn with fish emulsions, I’m more excited by the filter cleaning as a gardener than I would be if I wasn’t… I looked around today at the things that need to get fixed instead of hiding from them, even though it’s a bunch of things, it’s not everything. I need to redo plumbing, but the electrical is good, so that’s something.

Monday/Unity Day: Last week I was at a bad place, sick, worn out, trying to get rid of mold, this week the mold is gone, I’m stronger than I was and I feel more hopeful and peaceful about the future again. Last year I was trying to fix the schedule and a year later, I am trying again, this is different because my son isn’t in preschool so it’s easier doing two kids school instead of preschool and school, it’s similar but different. I was so surprised and happy we fixed the play house roof with some extra posts and trimmed the green roof. I made a bench out of a log so the kids can sit behind the playhouse.

Tuesday/Self-Determination: Last week I was very sick and kind of fed up with the kids. This week the kids are a lot better, the discipline system we switched to worked well for them. We have been watering the strawberry bed with the new Albion strawberries, which is good. I cleared a lot of ground for the new gazebo and put up a green privacy fence of climbing vines. The ground won’t be level before I install the gazebo but at least it is easier to walk around and pretty clear.

Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last week we did 4 martial arts classes at the beach it was really fun. This week I forgot my car seats in my sister’s car and we didn’t go to the beach. It was sad because I packed everything and the kids were excited to go.

Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Last week super tired, this week pretty tired but cleaned up making the beds, put away clean laundry, oiled the floors a little bit. Made a cool broth from a friend’s recipe I was so excited by that, because I’m hoping I’ll get well, I turned in our D2 form, but I have this month to fill out our 990 form before getting back to the 501. We installed my daughter’s nice ornamental pot fish pond in the front with a solar pump that just stirs the water a tiny bit and added some pretty aquatic plants I don’t know the name of and mosquito fish from our other (dilapidated ponds), even though it’s a tiny pond it was kind of fun doing the whole set up in one day, it used to be our whole dirt garden with carrots, tomatoes and sweet potato’s now it is my daughter’s little fish pond. We saw a beautiful white pidgeon, it had a blue ankle band so it was someone’s pet, it was so lovely, it stopped on our patio for awhile.

Friday/Creativity Day: Last week started reading a new parenting book “123 Magic” this week it feels so much easier using the routine. I turned the soil for the watermelon bed, two seeds are sprouting right now so I’ll wait a bit for them to grow, but that’s exciting to me to have the bed ready early instead of too late. We planed a ton and ordered a ton of garden stuff the past two weeks. My daughter got over being fussy about spelling today, which was great, using Brainscape flash cards (free) helped a lot, it makes it seem like it’s no big deal if you don’t remember something, you just press red and then it gives you the answer and another try. My daughter wanted a circle of moss so we harvested some moss and set it on treys, not sure if it will take or not, but trying it out. Also started clearing the next section next to the front section to put weed cloth down, but didn’t get too far yet. I added just a few new Mexican Sunflowers to the front hedge heading down from the East to the North corner, I have enough cuttings and soil to continue to my own bedroom windows soon, that’s exciting for me. I don’t hate my neighbors plants, they are in good taste, but I’ll be happy to see my own. The new basil and new watermelon seeds are sprouting well, for awhile nothing was sprouting. I’m excited about the basil.

Last Year to This Year

Last Year: Our dog was dying, my kids were doing well in school, I was struggling with clutter and to clean the house.

This Year: The kids are behaving better than they had been, my daughter started Ocarina of Time on Nintendo and it’s been fun spending an hour together watching her, it’s a beautiful and inspiring game to me, it’s cool because she knows how to play the songs on ocarina that came from the game. She also is listening to the Sword of Truth series which I read as a kid so that is fun too. I’m glad my husband and dad were away so I could nail down the kid’s discipline without people adding their unwanted opinion at the same time, I’ll deal with those unwanted opinions later.

Live – Lift – Love

Live – I had fun clearing a bit of garden for the gazebo, extending the sun flower hedge and putting in the log bench and little pot pond. I feel so alive in the garden, seeing basil sprout from gooey seeds to little green sprouts and having watermelon sprout too, it doesn’t get old for me, I just want to do better with the next step too.

Lift – I was lifted by a friend’s offer for dinner and soup recipe that helped me get well.

Love – I love the 1-2-3 Magic Discipline system, it’s awesome, I wish I had found it 7 years ago, it’s perfect for me and my kids and I went through a lot of other stuff that wasn’t. It reduced our power struggles and the kids fighting so much that I have a lot more time and patience to clean, garden, and enjoy the kids more.

๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

๐ŸŽ Live Your Purpose – Lift Your People – Love Yourself โš”๏ธ

Starting the Year with Love: Kwanzaa became a road back to my own heart and soul during the pandemic and even as an Asian it’s become my sanctuary to restore the same ideals I held as a child and also connect to and explore new values.

Saturday/Creative Day: The 6th day of Kwanzaa is my sister’s birthday too and also the last dance class of the year, it wasn’t a huge class, but I loved it, seeing my kids dance their best and being together in a creative space. The instructor is my personal hero of the year, without him I wouldn’t be break dancing now, he makes it inclusive instead of exclusive and fun and approachable, he breathes new life into what could feel like an outdated dance form.

Sunday/Faith Day: The last day of Kwanzaa our last candle wouldn’t light, which is a metaphor for reality, because it’s the day of faith and I’ve always lacked that. We bought dance floor pieces, I can’t wait to tiredly lug them to our next dance class, we figured out our speaker and two mics this time. I didn’t realize I made it a year journaling and a year teaching martial arts (except the month I was out sick ie December).

I had trouble thinking of what movie represented faith, we tried Homeward Bound, but actually that boy looses faith and it’s more about loyalty, hope, and perseverance, we tried Land Before Time and it’s okay but then I remembered Kung Fu Panda and that was more what I wanted, faith in yourself instead of in your family’s teachings.

I’m going to try to live by the Kwanzaa values all year long again, but I don’t always bring them up with my kids, so Kwanzaa is a good time to bring them up.

New years is a rebirth for me this year, I’m happy for a lot of things from last year, but I want to be more consistent this year. I maybe almost 40, but I’m kind of inconsistent still. I have paperwork waiting for me and no excuses, but I know to really do it I have to make some new habits, skills, and routines. I have the flu right now, but I’m starting to turn really optimistic in my mind that I can do good things in the garden, build a new shelter, keep teaching martial arts – maybe better then before, finish the 501 paperwork, right now, I believe.

I have last years notes for the first time this year, last year I was exercising a lot the first week, this year I think I will keep resting until the flu I have is gone. It’s nice to know that last year I was feeling better than this year, health wise.

Monday/Unity Day: Ran too many errands, seven, six would have been doable, but I lost focus on the seventh errand and it wasn’t even done right. I should be resting, but a lot of work falls onto my plate, a lot I create, even more comes from having had kids, some comes from the area and home ext, things that didn’t get done come bouncing back demanding time and energy. I’m not recovering well and I hate it, I hate life some days, I wouldn’t want to admit it, but I hate the place I am now, I’m trying to make my way through not knowing where my husband will buy a house, because that is annoying, I’m trying to make my way past being really sick and tired and having to take care of my kids and do their school teaching, because that is annoying, I’m trying to get through a lot of annoying paperwork but my head is in a fog from being sick, that is annoying. It’s not a good time, but I keep trying to set myself up for a better one to come. I keep trying to clean and organize, to brainstorm, to hope, but I won’t be able to enjoy life until this flu passes, it’s too much for me to take care of kids, be sick, and be positive, other people have done more, but it’s too much for ME.

Tuesday/Self-Determination: Sick and not looking forward to tomorrow. Just so sick and tired of being sick already. Potted a new Setsuma tree, so it was nice, sprayed it with neem and cedar oil since it came from Home Depot could have any pests on it, watered the strawberries too. Too tired to do major stuff, but it did feel nice to go out and do a little gardening with the kids. Wonder if I can set up drip irrigation of the front garden again. I’m super mad at my son today, he keeps making extra messes, water all over the bathroom, soup all over the bedroom. This year mirrored last year exactly discipling the kids and at my limit with their bad behavior and squabbling.

Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last year I wanted to write and do martial arts, this year writing is less important to me and tying up old ends is more important to me. We did 4 martial arts classes at the beach it was really fun. When I got home I restocked our reward prizes. I want to remember to bring trucks for my son next week, I said I would and forgot once already. I was still sick, but I was tired of being indoors, I hope I get better soon. It’s our 2 year anniversary, it felt really special to experience that. We haven’t grown a crazy amount, but we did grow six times six times our initial size, we have done a lot of cool things over the past year, but I want to find a way to make it less exhausting and more organized still. Definitely worth it overall. This year mirrored last year, I enjoyed the beach both years, but this year my health is lower and last year I was well.

Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Paperwork for our medical insurance, worrying about mold. I wanted to go and garden but the kids were still sick and I was still sick, going out yesterday was fun, but it didn’t shake off the end of our flu. If I thought I would always be so exhausted I would be sad, but I think it will be over soon. I’ve felt really weak this past flu, sometimes helpless and frustrated, really humble in facing my own limits in an undeniable and direct way. My feelings this year mirrored last year exactly today, in that I hit a place where I needed to rest and had no option.

Friday/Creativity Day: Started reading a new parenting book “123 Magic” it helped me a lot, it was the opposite of “Conscious Parent” instead of not planning what to do and thinking about it, this is having an exact plan before and standardizing discipline in a clear way it was simple instead of complicated and clear instead of convoluted so it was a really good fit for me. I’ve been struggling with discipline for 7 years, this is something doable for me that I think will work.

Last Year to This Year

2022 – Discipline Struggles

2023 – New Hope with 123 Magic Discipline System

Last Year: I was really exhausted and overwhelmed disciplining the kids, my husband settled into, then moved out of the state, we started spending more time with friends and activities, then the holidays and illness threw us off track even more, without a schedule the kids tend to act worse than average and I felt too tired to do any more to correct the situation, even though I care, I didn’t have more energy to throw at the dysfunctional family situation. I took my daughter to therapy for ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) ext and it helped a lot we did PCIT (Parent Child Interaction Therapy) as well as being more consistent with her treatment for SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder). We tried public school and settled on home school, we thought we were moving out of state and then didn’t, plus money was tight with my husband looking for work and moving out of state after moving in state so put off getting much furniture. I decided to start teaching karate after having taught BJJ/MMA and then taking a break. Surprised to learn to cook and start a scouting/kids group.

This Year: I feel like I’m about to get the family life in order and peaceful with the 123 Magic Discipline System.

Last Year: I thought about and did restart martial arts teaching including buying mats, searching for a place and questioning my skills and myself. “The things that make a good martial arts teacher are attention to detail, kindness in corrections, and consistency. Also belief in the moves, which is helped from competition or use, and a lack of hesitance. The technical side, and ethical side are both essential.”

This Year: Martial arts is blossoming, students come and go but the kids remember the skills and it’s stayed emotionally positive.

Last Year: In school my daughter was covering agriculture and theatre, I was really impressed with those classes, after that we covered a lot of basic courses, which are fine, but the advanced ones stick out as being worth the work.

This Year: We are covering studio art, still coding, still basics stuff like Science, English, Piano, Math, Foreign Language. It’s going well, even shifting to being outside twice a day and trying to integrate music and art more consistently.

Last Year: I was overwhelmed “I’m able to ramp up what I’m doing with the kids, painting, blocks, exercise, yet not nearly as much as they still would like. I’m able to ramp up cleaning the house, which looks horrible at times and other times looks okay but has mold due to our climate… It’s a dangerous game of being already spread too thin and wanting to do much more than I can do.”

This Year: I am still overwhelmed, but better at cleaning than before. I got bed frames so that helps, air filters, that helps, took off the closet doors to get air and light in that space, that helps, been cleaning with vinegar and essential oils and mold blocking spray all those help. Mold is still an issue, but I’m better than before at cleaning. Apart from getting used to the mold I definitely don’t have art, exercise consistent and the house clean, it’s a hard uphill slope for me to climb, but seeing some of my friends succeed spurs me onward a bit.

This week was about “rebirth,” like old me meeting last year me, blending and becoming a new smoothie of me.

โš”๏ธ

โ›„ 2022 Fifty-First Week ๐ŸŒฎ

Passion rules reason, for better or for worse. Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

GOALS THIS WEEK: Just get through the turmoil.

Last Week: The storm hit.

This Week: I’m surprised we picked up so much of the storm mess, but there is a lot more to be done from the previous years.

HEALTH OVERVIEW:

Mental Health: Frustrated with the procrastination I am still going through in some areas of life and kind of proud of myself for making progress even though it wasn’t as much as I would want it to be.

Physical Health: Sick with step throat and flu.

Social Health: Been avoiding people so they don’t get sick, and also just because I can’t handle the drive to town right now with dizziness on and off, fevers and delirium.


Creatively Use and Respond to Change

LIFE JOURNAL:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.โ€

– Roberto Assagioli

โ€œThere is no small act of kindness. Every compassionate act makes large the world.โ€

Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday: Last week we put the desk in the office, it was really nice of my sister to buy me a desk. I had always wanted a desk with a window, now I have one, it’s really nice. I studied just anywhere without a study desk, but I really enjoy having a desk now. I’ve had lap top tables on sofas ext… but this is a real desk and I haven’t been that productive with it yet, but I hope to soon.

Reflection – Designer: The office is being used for school and to relax, and to do my writing and watch videos, it’s a good multifunctional room with a calm vibe. The current chairs are really high for the table level, but a new one is coming soon. It’s a lot nicer than it was.

Sunday: Last week I installed some new strawberries to the front door garden, this week they have snail collars to see it that keeps the bugs off. I put up a mesh plastic compost ring and started collecting the yard scraps there.

Reflection – Grower: In the front area I used gaskets and landscape staples to secure the weed cloth so it won’t come up. The soil in the cinder block garden was dry so I added a mix with more vermiculite, that seemed to help the soil stay moist, we hit an abnormal amount of sunny days, it felt nice to work in the sun. Now the soil is holding a bit of moisture a few inches down, it’s nice and friable, I noticed mushrooms growing, so it seems more fungal dominated than before which supposedly will help with the slugs.

Monday: Last week sick, this week still sick, but excited that it is Kwanzaa. The first day of Kwanzaa is the day of Unity, I’ve felt more unity this year since we started hanging out together at the beach. Before getting sick I was thinking back to pre pandemic when my preschool was dialed in with outside play, exercise, music and art. I wanted to get us back on a schedule with cleaning, good meals, music, garden time, play outside, exercise and art again, then I did, then I got sick and fell off, but I want things to start again. We watched the Mighty Ducks 1 and 2 to learn about Unity together.

Reflections – Gardener: I have hope for the future, but specifically this week the greenhouse is knocked down, everything is broken or breaking, it will take time to get back to zero, it is sad to see everything get knocked down by the storm.

Tuesday: Last week I was really sick, this week I was still sick but celebrating Kwanzaa. It was Self Determination (Kujichagulia) Day, I asked my kids what they would name themselves we watched Cool Runnings. My daughter likes her own name, I didn’t like mine growing up. We reviewed time management and goals with a book from my childhood A Kid’s Guide to Time by Joy Wilt Berry, I loved her books.

Reflection – Dreamer: The Goal Items still Exercise, Garden, Outside, Music, Responsibilities, Draw, Clean Paperwork, Organize. I want to build 6 small camp sites in my back yard and a theatre, but not sure when, also a river bed on the East side, a drive way in gravel on the West side and help all the gardens in our garden club as well.

Wednesday: For the last week three weeks I’ve stayed home, I don’t want to get any babies sick and there are a lot of babies in our group. Most people I know don’t like to take anti-biotics so I don’t want to get them sick more than I guess people who would want to take anti-biotics… Last week I had fevers most the day and delirium, but this week I just had a painful throat, and dizziness. I didn’t feel good or that I could handle the drive, so I didn’t feel guilty staying home. I made my daughter an outdoor section for her doll house now that she doesn’t put things in her mouth as much I feel more safe with her playing outside.

Today was the Collective Work (Ujima) Day of Kwanzaa, it made me happy to be working in the garden with my kids, I asked my daughter to stay with her brother for a little while then I let her do what she wanted to do, ride her scooter, it was nice we were able to work together to keep my son safe and all enjoy the outside. I’ve been thinking about who is responsible for children, I think it is society as a whole, because those children will grow up to be terrorists or chefs or trafficker’s or diplomats or prostitutes or poets, what we see from them will be a net of their opportunities and efforts and inspiring ethics or just helping out in small ways or offering small tokens of acknowledgement or help can make a big difference to young children, so in some ways the parents alone (or guardians), but in a true sense it is the work of humanity as a whole to raise up the people who will keep the power plants from melting down when the current generation retires. I feel my generation, at least in my family and my area is a link between an all take attitude towards Earth’s resources and an environmental harmony. We are starting to build soil together, to grow some food together, to ferment in the bokashi bin, which helps with emissions, we still use gas vehicles and are on the geothermal electrical grid, but we are off grid in water, sewage and some electrical, so we are not a “green family” the way some are, but a transition stage between what the status quo was when I grew up and baby steps towards a more sustainable life style. We watched On Bak together, it’s a movie where two monks save a buddha sculpture that was stolen from their village, but they work together to be able to do it, the actor Tony Jaa was also really a monk his acrobatics are really inspiring.

Reflections – Teacher: I did a lot, I could be more organized and wanted more, but I did a lot of pilot groups and testing and learning and what I know will help me move forward and the work I did isn’t for nothing it created a good foundation for many students to go further in math, language, computer coding, music and art, not a ton of students, but a few students in an honest way, where learning is authentic and the students have some control over their learning process.

Thursday: Last week I made a spontaneous front walkway cinder block garden, humble looking but it went through the storm really well. I was frustrated adjusting to my dad coming back, but things get easier over time. I want to rebuild the pond area. I’ve been cutting down weeds and laying landscape fabric and then tacking that down, it’s been good, I just try to do 3 buckets a day. I’m still sick, but I have been enjoying spending a little time outside in the unexpected sun. I want to build a gazebo next month. Today was Cooperative Economics (Ujamaa) Day. I owe a lot to others this year, most of my life I worked for what I have, this year was the first time I fundraised for our scouts or asked for a lot from others, it resulted in a math decathlon, a summer coding program, a science fair and a lot of other little good things, it was worth it to “beg” and accept that I can do more with others than I can on my own. I guess there is a line between begging and prostituting and as long as I stay on the begging side I’m happy to let others help me if they will, because I believe that our scout group is 9 parts positive for every 1 part negative if not better.

Reflections – Scout Director: I am behind on paperwork but everything we did this year was good and worth it, some squabbles and mistakes happen, but it’s how we move on that matters most.

Friday: Last week I was frustrated with being sick and gloomy, this week I feel hope for the future and actually feel satisfied that I did all I could this year and acted like a fallible but decent human being. It was the day of Purpose (Nia) in Kwanzaa so we watched Ratatouille which is cool watching now that I cook more I relate to it on more levels (specifically I now have white truffle oil and make soups). This week we have learned just a little Swahili and Zulu on Duo Lingo, I remember what I learned more or less, but haven’t pushed myself to learn a lot, I love that my kids can pronounce them though.

Reflections – Human: I did a good job overall, stress of the family moving and finding our new normal ext was high, but we survived I hope it’s easier next year.

The year was the most productive I have ever been towards things that actually matter to me, I felt like I know my purpose and am living it even though it feels vague at times and slips away from my mind, I’ve never felt closer or more clear than this vagueness. It was a hard year, but I learned many skills and many things and reflected on my own failings in a way that isn’t too sensitive to fix myself, it’s been challenging but also had a lot of good times and lessons learned. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want an easier year next year, but there isn’t anything major I regret and that feels good. Often at the end of the year I wondered if I mattered, if I did the right thing, if I let life slip by without living, this year didn’t feel that way, this year I tried my best all year long and failed on the way to making a better world in my own tiny way.


Gratitude

Something new this week: I cut weeds in the back corner of the property, I hope to fit a gazebo there to be able to make a get away spot for us as a family for my sister to escape the kids or us my dad or any combination, we live really close and just a bit of space would probably be better for reflection and well being.

Something good this week: My husband got a shot and some medicine at the clinic in his state, he looked really bad I hope he recovers well, he was trying to avoid seeing the doctor because he let his insurance laps, I’m glad he did.

Something unexpected: We found an awesome Taco truck (Tacos Jaliscos ๐Ÿ’–) finally and it completely inspired me to make our lot usable by adding gravel, tarps, picnic tables and possible restrooms apart from the house in the future.

๐ŸŒฎ

โ›„ 2022 Fiftieth Week ๐ŸŒฌ๏ธ

Passion rules reason, for better or for worse. Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

GOALS THIS WEEK: Declutter the house.

Last Week: Was a bit lively but slowly wearing down with a sore throat cycling through the family.

This Week: The storm knocked down my green house again, I forget about these extreme winds.

HEALTH OVERVIEW:

Mental Health: Tired.

Physical Health: Sick.

Social Health: Tentative.


Creatively Use and Respond to Change

LIFE JOURNAL:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.โ€

– Roberto Assagioli

โ€œThere is no small act of kindness. Every compassionate act makes large the world.โ€

Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday: Last week my dad came back the kids always get off routine when anyone comes or goes so it’s a bit tough getting them settled back into their chores ext. We were able to return the lost dog pretty fast the next morning after we found it.

Reflection – Designer: Put the desk in the office, that was really cool, but not using the room much yet, still used to using the hall office more.

Sunday: Last week I found out we had a watermelon growing under our pumpkin, now pickle worms have burrowed into it. Next time I have to tie a bag around it, I hesitated to take action and now we lost the watermelon. I went to see a friend’s dance recital and tried to buy steer manure but it is so often out of stock. At least I got to drop off some peat moss and vermiculite for a new garden. I got some oregano as a present, I hope it does well I think it is very healthy as an anti-inflammatory. My kids were sick with scarlet fever and it was nice to be able to leave them at home with their aunt.

Reflection – Builder: Just a week later and I’ve changed my mind, we had our big winter wind storm due to the high elevation of our peak diving fast all the way into sea level we get extreme winds during the winter it seems like, the Kona Low Winds… so pretty big tarps get picked up and snapped, huge trees get knocked over, most of my garden is all messy right now… but actually 1. Extreme Wind 2. Extreme Rain 3. Pests those are my biggest challenges in the garden then of course there is me being inconsistent and ignorant.

Monday: Two weeks ago sick, last week better, his week sick with the flu after recovering from a strep throat. I wanted to get a schedule going but haven’t been doing well about it lately.

The goal was: 6AM Exercise B25, 8 AM garden, 10AM spend time outside, 11 AM music, 2PM be a good person, 3PM draw, 5PM clean the house, finish the paperwork when the new desk comes, and 6PM get organized. But the kids were too thrown off by being sick so it shifted to getting through meals and light English home work.

Reflections – Gardener: I have hope for the future, but specifically this week the greenhouse is knocked down, everything is broken or breaking, it will take time to get back to zero, it is sad to see everything get knocked down by the storm.

Tuesday: Last week I felt brain dead. This week I was really sick, so I guess it was coming on from last week.

Reflections – Habit Engineer: I still want to get back to exercising, but not in the middle of this flu, when it’s over. Lately I’ve noticed I don’t have the strength to do garden stuff some days because I’m sick, but I don’t want to slowly loose all the strength I had either.

Wednesday: Last week I stayed home, this week I stayed home too, I miss my friends but I don’t want to get them sick either, many have little kids and I would hate if any babies got scarlet fever bad from my kids. I got even more sick than I was and wasn’t able to do any paperwork so now I’m behind in that. I got sick enough to stop feeling guilty about what I wasn’t able to do, I was very nauseated and couldn’t walk down the hallway without being dizzy and sitting down, there wasn’t much I could have done that day.

Thursday: Last week I made a spontaneous front walkway cinder block garden. I just put some oregano transplants in there. It went through the storm really well, humble looking but stands up to this climate well. I was really frustrated adjusting to my dad coming back, he is very active and gets things done and I am not that much able to be like that when well, but especially not when I am sick or the kids are sick. It kind of rubs salt in my wounds being around my dad who gets things done and seldom gets sick, but I know there are costs to his productivity, I put people first and productivity second on purpose and I remember him taking care of me second and working first and it degrades a relationship. So we all make choices and do what seems best or possible and we all have different skills, but standing next to my dad I always feel disappointed I can’t get things done at his pace and I don’t think I ever will. But the things I can do are different things, working at a slower pace makes more things possible and especially most people need to go at a slower pace so working fast leaves you alone often. A lot of inadequacy and disappointment bubbling up today.

Friday: Last week I was optimistic about the garden and life. This week I was frustrated with being sick and the kids being sick and wondering how I will have energy to tidy the garden when it is worse than before and I have less energy and how I will catch up on paperwork when I haven’t been able to set down to work on it for so many months now. I don’t trust myself, but I know I am sick so I don’t hate myself, but still I lack confidence that I will get my life organized even when I do get better.


Gratitude

Something new this week: The cinderblock garden was finished in time to see it did really well in the storm.

Something good this week: We all survived scarlet fever.

Something unexpected: We released a green anole we caught after keeping it for a few days, it was pretty seeing it go free.

๐ŸŒฌ๏ธ

โ›„ 2022 Forty-Ninth Week ๐ŸŒป

“Kindness and good intentions can be an insidious path to destruction. Sometimes doing what seems right is wrong, and can cause harm.” Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

GOALS THIS WEEK: Exercise B25 at 6AM, spend time outside 10-11, draw 3PM, music 11, clean the house 5PM? garden 8-9 AM, finish the paperwork when the new desk comes, be a good person 2-3 PM, and get organized. 6-7 PM.

Last Week: Was reflecting on priorities, goals, life, wishes, and productivity.

This Week: Want to get on track.

HEALTH OVERVIEW:

Mental Health: Reflected a bit, organized and got more grounded, it feels good.

Physical Health: Well again.

Social Health: Out of hiding.


Creatively Use and Respond to Change

LIFE JOURNAL:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.โ€

– Roberto Assagioli

โ€œThere is no small act of kindness. Every compassionate act makes large the world.โ€

Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday: Last week I was wondering how life will flow between gardening and dancing and school for the kids. I hoped I could find a way to do gardening and all the errands. I went to the South, West and North side of the island, it was my first “Kona Sunset” I see what people are talking about with that now. On our side the sun sets over the mountains, it’s fine, but on the other side it drops into the ocean and it’s pretty stunning. It was a really fun day, I felt young again and alive. Part of it was at the beach, the beach is such a safe place for me, it’s almost always nice. I think the consistency that it’s always there and that it’s been there from my childhood to now is the only consistency I’ve ever had.

Reflection – Designer: I’m happy that my desk is coming soon, moving all the toys to one room has been helpful, when I got that tip from a friend I didn’t know how to do it, but now that I have the toys all in one room instead of the bedrooms and living room, it helped me move all my kid’s belongings into their bedroom rather than split between the bathroom and bedroom, it helped me put all my stuff and the camping stuff in the “office/bedroom”.

Sunday: Last week I went out in the rain and worked on fixing the pond I felt like Jack Johnson because it was raining and I wore a blue raincoat… This week I found out we have a watermelon growing under our pumpkin, the local wild rooster dug up the watermelon bed, but this one watermelon survived, I’m so excited. Very irrationally excited, I feel abundant and successful and ingenious. I cut the lawn by hand with edge trimmers, I really like feeling the soil, seeing the land, feeling the grass, I wouldn’t get that experience with the weed whacker. I want to feel the land and hold the plants and listen to the garden, I don’t like to hear the noise of the weed whacker over the voice of the birds and the plants, no not at all. I didn’t realize how well chickens fly I walked up to these three and one flew over my head about 20′ and landed on the tarp… guess a 6′ fence won’t help…

Reflection – Builder: Our main asset and main problem in my area are both the same, water, it’s beautiful during the wet season and it’s wet during the dry season, but the wet season is pretty intense. Also the volcanos never stop shaking the land so remembering to make everything flexible for shaking which isn’t really earthquakes but the volcano caldera dropping, so it’s a hard horizontal motion more than a rolling motion… so far, so good with the rock walls I’ve built, but remembering to take into account that shaking. Also the abundant pests from chickens, pheasants, rare birds, song birds, slugs, flea beetles, white flies, caterpillars ext. Rain makes working slower because some days I do feel like working in the rain, but other days I don’t, yet it gives me a chance at a garden that is rain watered, which is awesome, and it has the spiritual sense that God tends the garden. That’s the old regional stigma of the mountain, people tend the lower farm land, but the mountains belong to the spirits, because the plants there don’t need tending to grow. There is also a strong sense of forest up here, even though the houses are spaced closely, there are enough trees and birds to make it feel like a forest anyways. So I’ve had some luck fixing the electrical and plumbing, but did notice that protecting the electrical from rain is a priority thus I’m adding special connectors and boxes that have rubber valves and channels to keep some rain out.

Monday: Last week I was sick. This week I feel a lot better, slight sore throat, but thankful for mullein tea that helps so much. Just did banana exercise for the first time in a long time.

6AM Exercise B25, 8 AM garden, 10AM spend time outside, 11 AM music, 2PM be a good person, 3PM draw, 5PM clean the house, finish the paperwork when the new desk comes, and 6PM get organized. It felt weird to give be a good person an hour, but since I did it for my other goals I just went with it.

I feel so good, I just exercised for the first time in over a month and I’m not ill and I’m not having any allergy or GI issues and wow I feel so good. I picked up a new used bunk bed, brought it home and put it together. It was a dream come true, I wanted to build a cute bunkbed for a long time. My son has the bottom and my daughter the top we are going to decorate the bottom as a fire station and the top as a forest hide away, looking forward to using the space in a more creative way, it felt like we didn’t settle in when we moved here because we weren’t sure how long we would be here. After moving a lot as a kid I often don’t settle into a place and I felt bad realizing I didn’t give my kids that feeling of unpacking and being “home” somewhere, but that’s in the past now, now we are settling in well to Hawaii and I’m happy.

Reflections – Gardener: Going to put up some vertical plant pockets and see how that goes, don’t want to do under the eaves because I don’t want to water I want the rain water, so somewhere that faces South probably or even wrapped around a tree maybe… I have a lot of cherry tomato seedlings so maybe a mostly tomato bed.

Tuesday: Last week I started doing more exercise, art and music I was tired out with all the changes to our routine, this week I feel better than last week. This week we are all sick and I feel brain dead. The winter reminds me of being a child, the winter makes me wonder if I’ve done enough, I don’t know? I’ve done more than ever before, I could be more organized, more productive and more responsible, but I don’t think I’ve ever done better so I hope it was enough and that some of the work I did this year will make next year easier. Like when we made the light brackets for our seasonal lights and bought them, the next year switching them was much easier than that first year and the first season was hardest then the others that year. Things did get easier over time when infrastructure went into place and decisions were done being made.

Reflections – Habit Engineer: I really felt good when I worked out I should try to do it more, I had more strength and energy and felt more happy and optimistic about the future than I had since the cold seasons started. Usually I try to exercise 3 times or 5 times a week, but this time I’m going to try to match or exceed my last week by 1, so whatever I get done this week I’ll be okay as long as I match it next week.

Wednesday: Last week I had fun at the beach. This week we stayed home, I thought we were going to go, but my daughter was too sick and then my son and I weren’t well either so we ended up staying in. The kids are making their way through English, I like to cover English extra in the winter. I miss my friends when I don’t see them, but I like that they will survive without me, I would feel so trapped and smothered if they “needed me”. I really enjoy the conversations and smiles of my friends now, we are a diverse group so there are lots of different topics and many like building, gardening, art I enjoy and even deep breathing and prioritization of tasks I find really helpful and it’s just nice to see my friends doing well and hear about their gardens and see them still surviving this island that can be isolating and difficult to stay on financially.

Thursday: Last week I moved the arch way for the berries. This week I put down the first round of cinder blocks but didn’t bring them to the strawberry bed, instead I put them by the front walkway. I’m hoping it will be easier to keep the front tidy and I actually like that style a lot. We took the trash out, got the mail, made a meal plan, got groceries and toys since the toy store is the grocery store too. The mundane stuff doesn’t feel good still, but laying the cinder blocks does. I feel guilty I don’t enjoy doing the responsible stuff even if I do get it done, I don’t want to feel guilty about it, but I usually do. I am really excited about building with more cinder blocks because they will stand up to this extreme rain much better than wood did and I feel like they are within my capacity budget wise and strength wise and skill wise. I don’t know much about wood working, but I can place blocks and even pour concreate or mortar with rebar, I learned those things from my dad and I did them myself and I feel so good about working with stone in general from natural lava rock to cinder block to poured concreate or mortar (my favorite) I really enjoy working with stone more than wood which feels like it takes forever to finish (first tying it down to drive it is annoying, then cutting it is stressful, then painting it is tedious, then painting it more after the primer, only then building with it, yuck) and is really expensive where I live.

Friday: Last week I got to spend some time painting and I had a great time. When I saw the chickens they were so cute, I wasn’t mad, but I should put a net down over the plants I want to protect I guess, there tear into potatoes and watermelon but leave other plants like morning glories and sun flowers alone. We have some beautiful sunflowers now, but I remember when we just had dandelions my daughter loved them and she would go to her “secret place” right by the road very public and sit with the dandelions which were her “beautiful flowers”. I guess a flower only needs to be yellow to be beautiful. Our Mexican sunflowers are growing up well, the hedge isn’t finished but it’s good to see them growing in they will give us privacy but also will give beautiful flowers that don’t need much maintenance as well as leaves that are super nutrient dense for fertilizer tea. I can’t wait for that day when our whole house is surrounded by a wall of sunflowers. I thought it would be bamboo, but bamboo harbors a lot of mosquitos so perhaps I will have some bamboo, but less than the sun flowers. The mammoth sunflowers are nice too, where I don’t want a permanent hedge they are easier to manage.


Gratitude

Something new this week: Our first sunflower bloomed.

Something good this week: I started working with cinder blocks and realized it wasn’t as hard as I thought it might be due to the heaviness.

Something unexpected: Our first sunflower bloomed, it was beautiful the kids and I all loved seeing it together, our garden is a hot mess, but it has these little beautiful aspects to it now, I have hope for the future of it producing healthy food and beautiful areas to revitalize our souls.

๐ŸŒป

โ›„ 2022 Forty-Eigth Week โ„๏ธ

โ€œPeople are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe itโ€™s true, or because they are afraid it might be true.โ€ Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

GOALS THIS WEEK: I want to start exercising, spend more time outside, draw more, do music, get the house cleaned, finish the paperwork, be a good person, and stay organized.

Last Week: Was reflecting on priorities, goals, life, wishes, and productivity.

This Week: Want to draw up a schedule.

HEALTH OVERVIEW:

Mental Health: Passed through the darker moods after Thanksgiving, that was a dark day for me in the past, now it’s a regular day whatever trauma it held has lifted so it’s just something I don’t do now, but not something that kills my day.

Physical Health: Pretty decent probably fighting off stuff but pretty well overall.

Social Health: Prefer to be alone and think about where I want to put my things and how to change my schedule now that the kids are getting more mentally settled into school. I want to take our school organization to the next level.


Creatively Use and Respond to Change

LIFE JOURNAL:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.โ€

– Roberto Assagioli

โ€œThere is no small act of kindness. Every compassionate act makes large the world.โ€

Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday: Two weeks ago I potted onions into treys, last week I tried a breakdancing meet-up. This week I’m wondering how life will flow between gardening and dancing and school for the kids. I hope I will be able to do gardening Sunday, perhaps trash, groceries and dance Saturday, and cleaning Monday, maybe Friday I can meal plan so I’m ready at the store Saturday? During November I’ve been thinking about the edges of the garden, this week I’m starting to shift to the principle “creatively use and respond to change” which I think is a good principle to have. It’s helping me leave the fear of the big storm or losing everything to slugs or all the past failures to be consistent as a gardener behind. So we did the trash run and dancing and it was nice, but what we didn’t do was shop.

Sunday: Last week I was helping some students. This week I ordered some new markers. My daughter is in Studio Art right now, she has advanced a lot in drawing and writing.

I was thinking of having her do a short narrative of her life for writing practice. I wrote my own and it was a good exercise, 1 sentence per year wasn’t too overwhelming and was still reflective. I didn’t have the childhood I wanted, but at least as a parent I’m remaking my relationship with childhood things. In a lot of ways my parents failed I don’t see how they could have not failed. Like find GI treatment in the US, it’s hard to find a doctor who knows anything about it. It’s not that they failed but that they didn’t try just a bit more that leaves me more bitter.

Monday: Last week, super tired but managed to make pizza. This week went grocery shopping and picked up medicine for my daughter, it felt so tiring running errands. It still feels like we have a mountain of trash built up, we keep taking it out but it seems like there is so much more. It feels like laundry, trash, dishes never stop, school, shopping, kid’s birthdays. I want to get ahead in cleaning and the garden, but it feels like I never will. I was happy setting up a toy parking garage for my son, but so tired that it was kind of a sad desperate feeling not knowing when I’ll not feel exhausted next, I think I’ll feel better after the paperwork that I have pending. There are good moments during the day, but I feel like I’m leaking blood I’m so tired.

Tuesday: Last week was a birthday party that was surprisingly fun. This week my daughter is sick and on antibiotics and I’m sick and although I’m happy we cleaned up a lot of clutter and mess, I am also exhausted in general. I’ve been avoiding thinking about December, but now I’ve decided to put myself on a paperwork schedule and try to use December to finish the financial report, but also the 501 application for our non-profit group, whether or not I have time to go to the beach, that’s my December goal, I can catch up with the garden in the spring but the paperwork might as well get done. I’ve been doing more exercise, art and music with the kids somehow, but it hasn’t become a habit yet, so it’s draining and I’m happy the kids progressed so much and happy they enjoy it, but bleeding energy in a way that feels unsustainable.

Wednesday: Last week we brought blueberries, pumpkins, wheat, strawberries, and sunflowers to the harvest festival, it made me happy for what we had and also want to do better next year. This week I chose to stay home for my daughter to rest and take her meds ext. I built the lizard cage for our now dead lizard that was kind of a weird experience. We have cleaned up a lot lately and decluttered, we have done a lot of good things and made progress in skills, communicating and things like swimming, rhythm, hand writing, but I wish I felt more closure over all. It feels like I’ve been randomly throwing together the school year and life and meals and I wish life was more planned and smooth than it is. But then how would I adjust to a pet’s death, how would I adjust to sick kids, how would I adjust to a storm tearing down the back yard, this year we survived and did a few good things, but it was painfully chaotic and disorganized.

Thursday: Last week I did a little gardening in my own yard on the pond laying land on a hilltop for the waterfall feature. This week moved the arch way for the berries, moved the old garden bed rocks, laid down weed cloth after cutting the weeds back, stapled the weed cloth into place, decided on a cinder block design because of the extreme rain here. I was a bit tired, the electric cutter was helpful, a lot of my tools were rusty, I should take better care to bring my metal tools inside, they rust badly outside in the greenhouse. Whenever I do a lot, I can see there is 100x or 1000x more to be done and it’s a weird feeling of bailing out a boat with a spoon, I don’t know if I weed more than the weeds grow in a year, but putting down weed cloth might help, I don’t know if I take out more pests in a year than just walk into the yard, but I learn more about what doesn’t work. I’m hoping that when I know more things will fit into place, and it’s possible, I learn a lot more each year about plants, work, consistency, myself… We put up our winter snowflake lights on time, I was surprised with how much I did in all arenas, but also daunted by everything left to do.

Friday: Three weeks ago I wanted to start exercising, spend more time outside, draw more, do music, get the house cleaned, finish the paperwork, be a good person, and stay organized. Last week our gecko died and it made me a little sad, but I still want to make positive changes this month to put some good habits in place for next year. I got to spend some time painting today, my son and daughter did too, it was nice, it’s something all three of us like, we also all like the garden so I hope we can do that more and get that more organized soon. Two hens and a rooster have been messing up my front garden, but it’s a little cute because I do like chickens and I like their clucking. Supposed to go get compost tomorrow morning and I probably will, but I don’t know for sure because if it’s a rainy day the compost is much heavier and I don’t know if it isn’t more important to get cinder bricks into place for the bed than to get free base soil for the bed that isn’t built.


Gratitude

Something new this week: Starting Mountain Magic tomato seeds, nothing sprouted yet, but hopefully soon.

Something good this week: I decided on a garden redesign for strawberries and blueberries in the backyard, I don’t know what will happen later, but it seems like it will be nice right now, right now it’s a beautiful dream and the kids look forward to it with me.

Something unexpected: My husband was sick so I told him to drink Mullein tea before getting sick and he decided to try it.

โ„๏ธ

๐Ÿฆ‹ 2022 Forty-Sixth Week ๐ŸฆŽ

There is magic in sincere forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive. Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

GOALS THIS WEEK: I want to start exercising, spend more time outside, draw more, do music, get the house cleaned, finish the paperwork, be a good person, and stay organized.

Last Week: Was reflecting on priorities, goals, life, wishes, and productivity.

This Week: Want to draw up a schedule.

HEALTH OVERVIEW:

Mental Health: Dark moods, overwhelmed at times, but my son being around lifts my spirits frequently and I am excited to be doing some things I am passionate about at times (such as dance and art).

Physical Health: Fighting something off, but comfortable at least.

Social Health: I want some time to reflect and get my house in order.


LIFE JOURNAL:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.โ€

– Roberto Assagioli

โ€œThere is no small act of kindness. Every compassionate act makes large the world.โ€

Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday: Last week I was potted the onions into some “soil treys” and started expanding the top pond. This week we have company and to be honest, I want to be out in the garden working on a bed for the onions and the shape of the pond instead of spending time with people. On one hand, I see a lot of improvement in the kids’ behavior, teamwork, and listening to my rules and schedule, which is cool, but on the other hand, I see my home and garden messy and needing repairs, and those things not getting done with no one else to do them. Most of all I want to repair where the pond is broken. I accidentally emptied out the main pond and that was embarrassing, at least the fish could use the water change. Our backyard was hit hard by a hurricane-like storm called a Kona Low so going outside you see a lot of little damage and things and it’s hard to know what to do first, but on the upside I had been dying to move things around, so mixed blessings for it to be destroyed. I remember the aquaponic grow bed falling out forward and splashing down into the main pond all at once, the tarps all getting shredded by the wind and water, and the biggest tree getting pushed over. Being there was interesting, it gave me respect for the power of nature (even more) and also made me greatful to be inside, but I also know how things broke as opposed to my dad, who was away. The things he made were just broken, I at least got to see what stood and what fell and how to design for that. It was hard getting out of the house, but when we did we were able to do breakdancing for the first time, that was really fun.

Sunday: Last week I lived my best life building a pond and clearing the garden. This week I was helping some students, I was happy to be there for some math errors because when you see what math errors students are making it’s a lot more possible to help fix them. At the same time I worry that my pond will stay a big mess since I didn’t work on it at all this weekend, the supplies for that are piled up by the door, I was excited to buy them, excited to put them in, but if a long time goes by and I can’t work on it, I worry I will lose my place and momentum, I guess I struggle to trust myself.

Monday: Last week, I saw the first morning glories blooming on an Ohi’a tree, it was a metaphor for me of I guess me as a transplant to this new island and being able to live here and thrive or being able to make a difference in life and do things that have an effect on the world. It was one thing I wanted to do and see and it actually got done over time. I was so tired over all, my son has been waking up with growing pains, ice helps a lot, just got to remember we have it and what to do in the middle of the night. I didn’t do much Monday except be tired, managed to cook some pizza and bacon, but really couldn’t be super productive or even normal productive today.

Tuesday: Last week I did some more of the Mexican Sunflower hedge I can see that the ones I put in a few months ago are doing really well, fast approaching my height. This week was a birthday party, so in school training my daughter to use the dictionary and covering weathering from sand on rocks and that kind of stuff in science. It was a nice birthday party, not too much, but enough decorations, enough friends, good music, a cute cake, super awesome without being too much. I got to see the garden which was beautiful, tons of coffee, a lot of edibles, some ornamentals but not too much, really pretty set up, but so organized and functional (everything my garden is not). Someone reminded me you can take deep breaths to fight the feeling of overwhelm and I’m trying to remember that.

Wednesday: Last week we went to the beach and I noticed my son was better at swimming. This week we brought kid-grown produce, some blueberries, pumpkins, wheat, strawberries, and sunflowers, it made me happy that we grow a variety of things, even though we don’t have a large amount of stuff, we have some cool and diverse things for the kids to look at and enjoy. I felt inspired to grow more wheat and corn next year, but also happy we had something the kids got to grow themselves. This is the most peaceful I’ve ever been during the holiday season, I don’t feel pressured to participate in things I don’t want to do, I guess it’s the elders in your life that push that, kids don’t care if they get presents for x holiday or y holiday. I do like decoration, good food, and gratitude, but I don’t feel like it belongs to any day or group of people anymore, I think those things are there in all seasons for all people willing to take the energy to do those extra steps towards festivity.

Thursday: Last week I visited the train garden. This week I did a little gardening in my own yard and started the process of using the new electrical stuff I ordered bit by bit. I tidied up a little too. I worked on the pond actually, cutting back weeds, cutting down vines, laying land on a hilltop for the waterfall feature, I cut the extra liner with a sickle from the garden, it worked really well, I was investigating where the old leak was, but didn’t get that far before it was time to stop. The rain had filled up some of the new pond, it looks pretty. I made chocolate chip muffins, but they weren’t as good as blueberry. I was happy I had got back to work on the pond, I started the front West rock wall too and put some strawberries from a broken pot in trees, I moved the pot, moved an avocado tree that I’m not sure will make it. We lost our pet lizard Jumpy… I will miss Jumpy, but he did always look ill.

Friday: Two weeks ago I wanted to start exercising, spend more time outside, draw more, do music, get the house cleaned, finish the paperwork, be a good person, and stay organized. Last week I wanted to also, but I knew it would take some strategy. This week our gecko Jumpy is dead, but we bought a $200 cage for him so I wonder if we should get another gecko or not. It felt like a hectic week this week, I feel like strings of all the loose ends I started and didn’t finish are wrapping me up in a huge net of unfinished business. I wanted to cut the pumpkin plants from last year, but I didn’t yet because we had guests, the kids seemed full of joy but also tired from the change in light as well. We were able to link a Nintendo account I had been wanting to get linked since March, which felt nice, I thought that would be an issue forever.


Gratitude

Something new this week: The morning glories I wanted have succeeded, I hope to put in more, but I’m already captivated by their beauty and it works in harmony between the land that was here and what I put in and that was really important to me.

Something good this week: I looked up a cure for hives, TCM Traditional Chinese Medicine has one that works in clinical trials not just to bring them down, but to keep them away, I suffered so long with hives on a daily basis, now I’m better, but it feels like completing a cycle to find a cure anyways.

Something unexpected: Jumpy our gecko died, I should have expected it, but I didn’t, when I really like pets I can’t be honest about their mortality expectations.

๐ŸฆŽ

๐Ÿฆ‹ 2022 Forty-Fifth Week ๐Ÿง…

Passion rules reason, for better or for worse. Terry Goodkind ๐Ÿ•Š๏ธ

GOALS THIS WEEK: I want to start exercising, spend more time outside, draw more, do music, get the house cleaned, finish the paperwork, be a good person, and stay organized.

Last Week: Made it through being ill and the kids being ill.

This Week: Want to think about when to do what.

HEALTH OVERVIEW:

Mental Health: Settling into the fall/winter transition and invigorated to be alive again.

Physical Health: Medium.

Social Health: Glad to have friends, but also want to reflect a lot more, I feel like I’m digesting a lot of thoughts right now and I need time to think.


LIFE JOURNAL:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.โ€

– Roberto Assagioli

โ€œThere is no small act of kindness. Every compassionate act makes large the world.โ€

Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday: Last week passed in a blur, did a study montage with a friend’s son, enjoyed it, it was kind of a weird study marathon, but I hope it helped somehow. Today is the first day with just my family in a week and we all miss our exchange student. But I was able to pot up the onions into some “soil treys” and start expanding the top pond, cut weeds to walk to the top of the little hill, did the basic shape of the waterfall dams, dragged the pond liner out, unfolded it, then the day was over already, so. Got to do some touch ups on the sides and surrounding stones, but it’s good to have the liner there I think so I know how big it really is and avoid redoing work because the liner is too small or big.

I really enjoy the different views the different parts of the garden have. I hope to make this top pond deeper than it was and prettier, the middle pond needs some repair still, I hope to get to that tomorrow. I also want to separate the fish pond and this pond so any leak won’t kill the fish, and maybe move the blue pond up to the hill someday too…

Sunday: Last week fall weather hit hard, which feels like a monsoon in our area. This week I’m used to the new weather and mostly better from being sick for about a week. I feel good now, weeded to put in a new veggie bed, but realized I might want yet another pond there. Worked on the top of the middle pond more using cut grass for underlayment which was cool, but wasn’t an option last time because I didn’t have grass then. Moving the logs around felt fun. It’s been awhile since I watched Carl the Landscape Guy’s pond video, I started watching it again to refresh my memory. He has a lawn and soil, that’s different than me, I have to cut back weeds, then I have to build up over lava rock instead of digging down, but I do have a natural slope so I don’t have to work as hard making a hill. I don’t have any bricks, I may have used some if I had some, but I blew my budget for the month already so I’ll try to use either what I have or scrap wood from the storm. So if I can tomorrow I’ll work on leveling out the dams a little bit better, perhaps with logs under the liner. Right now the bottom section is doubled over the old top, I can cut that and reuse it for the broken middle section. I wanted to make sure the liner fit and I did that, but I could definety do a little more shape work on the dams before testing the liner with water.

So A. Cut the old liner.

B. Shape the bottom dams.

C. Cut the weeds around the top to walk.

D. Start shaping the top dam.

E. Rock my bottoms near the shelves, then level the top stones, foam the stones near the shelf, rock the bottom of the shelves after the dam.

F. Lay the pipes along the sides tuck the liner and rock both sides of the edge shelf.

G. Remove excess foam.

H. Fill with hose to check water flow.

I. Build the top waterfall.

J. Foam the top waterfall securely.

K. Rock the top section.

L. Set up the plumbing.

M. Set up the electrical plugs for the pump.

N. Set up any lighting (I don’t have a lot yet).

O. Set up box (waiting to buy it).

P. Rock and neaten the sides hiding the liner.

Q. Fill with small stones supporting the larger stones. .

R. Boarder of path.

S. Large stones for raised bed.

T. Plants.

U. Level paths and plant areas.

V. Weed cloth on rasied bed and path.

W. Mulch on plant area.

X. 16-32 mm gravel on pathway.

Looking at this I think I will expand the veggie tunnel to in front of the koa tree instead of where it is… the koa tree is six feet tall now.

Monday: Last week, I did the first activity of the Digital Illustration Class, an eye, which was fun. I was also overwhelmed with my garden and I am still right now. I didn’t water the Comfrey yesterday because the little can was missing from the green house. Today I did water the comfrey with pond water, I found some borers in the pumpkin, I cut the tomato which was doing bad from Early Blight, I trashed it instead of compost, which was a little sad. I put more soil in the garden and more mulch because it was a really shallow bed.

This front area isn’t perfect, but I’m happy to see the morning glories climbing the trees and the pumpkin has made almost a full circle around the tree. I like the front rockwall that I built, I like the sunflowers growing there, I’m sure it will be more beautiful when the sunflowers add their color, but it’s on the way. I was grateful to get composted mulch from East Hawaii Organics, next time I can get more I just have to remember to bring a bucket for transferring and a pitchfork to load (instead of a trowel…). I hope my watermelons will do well, not sure at this point. Loosing the tomatoes was okay, I noticed from the beginning flies were coming inside where they were and that they looked like they had early blight, I’ll start again. Going to try Mountain Magic this time around, it’s supposed to resist Early Blight.

I want to put a bottom pond in, so I got a liner for that, a power box for the top one, I want to get the ponds fixed up so that I can build a better aquaponic system, I just need to make a few adjustments so the system doesn’t get clogged.

Tuesday: Last week I was doing some extra science tutoring and it was very rewarding to have a student who was open minded and enthusiastic about doing some states of matter experiments, making some hypothesis and seeing that real life gives us results we don’t expect.

This place I set aside a border in the spring wanting to grow rhubarb, then was busy with the kids school and camping and scouting and didn’t come back until October. Adding a weed cloth and brown mulch path helps so much, when weeds grow through or on top they are much weaker than otherwise and when they grow across I can see immediately where to cut them back to, it gives me a place to store the compost from East Hawaii Organics for now. I put vermiculite, sea kelp powder, steer manure, chicken manure and composted mulch into the grow bed with straw, I enjoy working with straw, it really has a farm vibe I like. Cutting back the weeds out of this area is going to be way easier and passing through this area is going to be way easier, the plants are going to grow better with this soil, yes I would like to have made it on site with no waste and carbon foot print, but I didn’t have the mental and physical energy to do that this time. I am just starting to learn how to do compost and leaf mulch and I don’t think I would want to garden if I had to wait however long it takes to make all my own soil. I do really like taking the time to load the composted mulch from East Hawaii Organics, it’s not too much cheaper to buy the containers and make an extra trip, but it feels really good to be a part of them diverting waste from the landfill and standing as an organic non-profit in our area, I feel grateful when I’m driving home and when I’m adding to my garden, I don’t know if I should be finishing out the compost further or not, but I am happy I’m finally starting to source local stuff. I think when I do start to get a better compost system set up I will set it up here next to the green house and I’ll call it Southeast Hawaii Organics as a tribute to East Hawaii Organics compost system. My favorite thing in this garden is my son’s apple tree. I’m building a little planter next to the path on the right I’ll move his other apple tree there so you can walk between the two someday. There is a No. 1 Idea hydroponic system I want to try to build right next to the rock wall, still mentally debating it… Love the idea but in ground would be more my style and plastic would feel safer than glass with so many kids in my life. I’m excited to see the front garden going through so many changes, I’ve been learning a lot about landscaping helping friends in our Farm Together Program.

I want to do the Mexican Sunflower boarder today, I took a lot of cuttings two days ago, but it’s really hard trenching them into my poor and rocky soil. At least this time I have an augur and a mattock, the first time I did 100 with a trowel and at the end it broke and that really seemed fair for it to break. I kind of knew it was the wrong tool, but I still don’t know exactly what the right one is. I did do a bit of work, cutting back the weeds to walk to where I am going to work is usually the worst part, because I don’t see any progress on the goal task, but it’s a necessary part of being able to work on the goal.

Wednesday: Last week we stayed home from the beach sick, but some people went and that is cool, that we can take time off but the community doesn’t collapse. This week was art week, we didn’t have painting, but we did have oil and water, so it was fun having principal boxes, we did double leg takedowns. I spent some time with my family in the beginning of the day and it was awesome watching my little boy swim, he really picked it up without me noticing.

Thursday: Last week I soaked 8 kinds of onions, this week they are growing into pretty good little transplants. I visited the train garden, built a little desk, was learning more about what plants the gardener liked, what building they were planning, still trying to get a feel for the garden and landscape, checking out drainage ext. It’s a different garden then mine, more frogs, hoping they eat the other pests, but not sure at all, still trying to make sense of that ecosystem.

Friday: Last week I wanted to start exercising, spend more time outside, draw more, do music, get the house cleaned, finish the paperwork, be a good person, and stay organized. This week I still want to, but I definitely feel tired by the seasonal weather changes and want to be strategic. I made a soup by myself, it was a bit salty, but pretty close to on target, so that surprised me, it always surprises me how much work goes into some dishes. We made nan and it was pretty decently good, not like the restaurant, but pretty decent, even though I like fry bread better alone I like nan bread better with soup, I think I’m like nan bread, I make room for other people to be themself in my life.

But anyway, the week was a good week overall, caught a small gecko named Jumpy, had some good times in the ocean, pretty good week despite the unwanted invites to winter stuff and feeling of doom the end of the year seems to have.


Gratitude

Something new this week: The onion starts came up a lot better indoors than when I tried to grow them outdoors in the past.

Something good this week: I really enjoyed the ocean the way I used to when I was growing up, as if it is magic, as if it is okay to have fun.

Something unexpected: We caught a little baby gecko named Jumpy, I think they are easier than frogs and chameleons because they can eat non-live foods so I’m willing to try to see how it goes keeping jumpy.

๐Ÿง…