😀 The Inner Citadel

My internal mental journey, as a writer, gardener, and human being transformed into words:

Accept It! Radical Acceptance

I finally replied to a deep inner question I think we all face, whether it’s best in the long run to put on a smile and brush past our internal truth or accept how we really feel to learn what our emotional pain is teaching us. I’m sure you can guess from the tone what I picked, but it’s a comlicated lesson. Sometimes it’s not the right time to grieve, yet the grief, I think will wait all our lives until we face it. It started with reading a post by Sweet Bliss about leaving toxic spirituality behind that says the bad things that happen to us are our faults, because of our mental vibrations. It took me a long time to sort out my reply, I had wanted to thank the author for speaking out against what is now the status quo about emotional repression and victim blaming instead of goal setting due to a popular movie called “the secret” mixing some great ideas like setting intentions and introspecting what your best life is with some toxic ideas that the entire world revolves around your thoughts and ideas at all times. My response became a post within itself. But I would like to write a deeper one about the four tendenies later, about how questioners and upholders are opposites that benefit from balancing action and thought differently sometimes. (October 9th, 2019) πŸ•ŠοΈ

Just read a short, but cool, post by Lovie Prince about labels, and going beyond labels to embrace ourselves light and shadow sides it inspired me to try to make my own cohessive narritive about who I am, that kind of a thing is usually to overwhelming too tackle for me, but Lovie’s example helped make it seem achievable.

How I currently define myself:
I am a writer.
I am a teacher, gardener/farmer, martial artist, reader.
I am a parent, granddaughter, sister, daughter, etc.
I am a roommate & friend.
I am an artist and a blogger.
I am a minimalist.
(these are things others can easily see)

Let’s move on:
I am healthy,
I am sensitive,
I am unconventional,
I am introverted,
I am connected to the Earth,
I am a stoic.
( these define how I feel and what drives my reactions to things)

I am impatient,
I am rude,
I am careless with money,
I am forgetful about birthdays,
I am a frequent leaver of many unfinished projects.
(these are the things I believe about myself that are not positive)

In the ways I would like to change I accept that I am absent-minded and hot-headed and I’ll try to manage those things better out of love for my family and love for myself. (October 6th, 2019) 🌻

It’s a really hard thing to leave here, even though I’m coming back next year (hopefully). My daughter has a real best friend now, I have friends, there are a lot of other home schooling teachers here too. I have a support network that works for me, that is easy, that is accepting, that is inspiring. Life is good here, but my husband is still working out of state, so my kids and I are headed back to the desert at the end of the month to rejoin him. Like all year, today I’ve been wanting to get more done than I was actually able to get done… my son got his teeth in and has wanted more to be held, he also is getting more aware and wanted to be danced with and played with. So, at least I’ve been putting people first, loving my kids before gardening and gardening after, but not much is getting done other than taking care of the kids, repairing my relationship with my daughter, while at the same time disciplining her, educating both kids as much as I can, laundry, dishes, Tuesdays at the park with the other home schooled kids and Wednesdays at parent and me preschool. I watched an interesting video today with John Medina explaining scema, I haven’t always explained to my kids why I am teaching a certain lesson because they were babies when we started, but perhaps I should have started explaining some time ago? (October 1st, 2019) πŸ₯€

I’m getting a little sad to think I’ll be leavig Hawaii and my garden in about a month. It seems like everything could still be done in the garden before I go, a new green house to set up, the first one to finish setting up, both the tomato garden and the square foot garden to fix, green tea to plant, weavers bamboo to plant, a ton of morning glories… weeding the moss lawn, clover to put in, compost to set up, ext. If I could do one thing or one peice of a big task everyday until I go I think I could leave the garden in great shape before I go… I think tomorrow will be setting up the new green house. Well, I made a list of 20 things to get done in the garden before I go. I may stop writing for this month to get the garden in order as much as I can. (September 17th, 2019) 🀺

It’s great to read last week that I was ever ahead, last week the kids and I got sick and my left eye was swollen halfway shut and painful. I got better, but the kids are still sick, so starting this week low energy, behind in parenting homework, behind in the things I like to have done around the house and in self-reflection as well. (September 16th, 2019) πŸ•ŠοΈ

I just started taking a beyond the book parenting class/book club session around “Whole Brained Child,” yesterday. It’s been really helpful so far. If I had to admit why things haven’t worked out for me writing or gardening in the past, it was because I couldn’t put my house in order (ie find peace in my marriage or discipline my daughter). In the past few days, I’ve learned about assertive communication, when to walk away instead of arguing and how to discipline my daughter fairly. It’s so surprising the way so many things I couldn’t fix in the past five years are magically coming together lately. I also saw a double rainbow for the first time recently and am finally able to shed the last five pounds, not that those are important things, but it’s just as if all of life is somehow finally fitting together beautifully. (September 10th, 2019) 🌈

Just read Rumi’s “What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle,” for the first time in an article by Dr. Jurisharma about grieving, lost in thought about it… (September 9th, 2019) πŸ€”

This year my heart is very unsteady, my emotions and mind are unsure, it’s a different world for me this year. In March I had my second and last (intended) child. I never knew a love like this before. My daughter brought me a different kind of love, a lot of joy and sweetness, laughter and tears. Failures and successes, an emotional rollercoaster. My husband brought me a feeling of safety, a feeling of being known and cared for by someone, being special to someone. My son is different, he brings me such a profound inner peace, he brings a harmony to all of us that is really difficult to put to words. I believe we all bring something different to the family, to the world. My world is better than ever before, but also shaken up and upside down. (September 8th, 2019) πŸ‘Ό

Another week gone by, bittersweet, bitter because I’ve been snapping at my daughter lately. I feel bad about it, she is very tough, it seems to energize her and not traumatize her, but it brings me down… anyways, sweet because I’ve been feeling succesful as a human being again. Gardening has gone well, 174 papayas got potted in 10cm pots between Friday and Saturday. I don’t know what will happen to them (males don’t fruit, bisexuals give non-GMO fruit for sure, females give regular fruit that can be pollinated by stray GMO trees…) but I hope what will happen is that I will be able to farm them on our property to produce all the papaya my family eats. My dad likes to eat one a day, my daughter likes to eat one a day, that’s over 600 (I don’t think 730 because occasionally we go out or eat something else). I grew up with my grandfather eating half a papaya everyday in the morning, he is over 100 now, I hope that if we eat papaya we will live long healthy lives too. I haven’t been writing as much this week, because I was so behind in the garden, but it was actually nice because I was questioning if writing was worth the time it takes in my life and having not done it I noticed that I did miss doing it. It’s worth a lot to me, even though I don’t know why. (September 6th, 2019) 🌱

I turned 34 today, it was a special day because I didn’t rush for the first time in a long time (five years probably). I didn’t do any “birthday” celebrating today, I do that on my wedding anniversary January 29th (to celebrate my rebirth), but I am celebrating today day as I do everyday, as a day I was alive and with my kids and able to write and work on this website. It’s a fledgling habit and a fledgling website, but it gives me clarity to think things out via writing, it gives me joy to choose the images and it gives me hope to think that I could help other people with their struggles that are similar to mine or also get help and wisdom from others by having a safe place to ask. I’m suprised and happy that people from China are reading my blog (as well as Singapore and the UK)! My grandfather’s mother was Chinese, I got married in a Chinese wedding dress, and studied the language, but I’ve never been there, however now my heart and words have been heard by a person there. That’s incredible exciting to me. I’ve noticed most of my readers have been other stoics, which is beautiful to me because if people who accept that their life is temporary and extreemly valuble take the time to read what I have to say, it means to me that I’m doing something right as a writer, and as a person with thoughts to openly discuss. I’m very grateful to each and every reader, even those who may not like my writing, just for giving me your time and consideration, I wish you all the best in this life that we all share on Earth! (September 1st, 2019) ✌️

The end of week two restarting the website, the laundry of the house was taking over, the summer beach items were in a pile on the livingroom floor and I was being confronted by my sister about why writing or gardening mattered at all (so she could understand, not because she was being mean), literally at the same time as breastfeeding my fussing son with my left hand and wiping my daughter’s butt with my right hand. For me it was a meaning I was trying to find myself, not something I had prepaired and it was unpleasant. My old values had come crashing down this past month, and there was a deep grief as who I used to be died. Today I was reborn emotionally, yet again, as someone who is ready to face life again today. Yesterday I faced that I don’t like the hecticness of my life (which I created) and that I need to reenigineer a new life for myself (or no one will), that I needed to reconnect with the values I want to work towards and realign my goals with my values, so that I can have meaning in my life. Some people get happiness from different things than I do, like service, or things, I get happiness from the action I’ve taken towards my values times how strong I hold the values in my heart. So when I loose my values as they change, the process throws me into a deep depression, because I know in my heart in that moment life holds no happiness for me, there is no meaning for me, there is no personaly significance to me in my life at that moment. It’s a kind of hell, but I’m glad I recognized what caused it, and spent the time to reasses my values quickly (the day I realized I needed it). If you’re going through hell, keep going right? So my new values for this year are, people care (aloha), earthcare (malama), fair share (kuleana), assertiveness/sincerity, gratitude, cooperation (laulima) and humor. That is the way I relight the internal flame in my soul and make life worth living, it really works for me. There is an easy to use worksheet and list developed by Russ Harris for anyone interested in trying it. (August 31st, 2019) πŸ•―οΈ

It’s a week later, I’m sore from the flu and behind in gardening and writing, but I’m still enjoying working on articles and on the website and that’s something I’m happy about. In the past I’ve moved from one project to another and not been able to sustain my initial interest. I think it was caused by perfectionism. For instance, if I couldn’t fix my sidebar error I didn’t want to write any more posts, and I never actually was able to fix it, so I didn’t write for years. This time I’m taking a note of the technical things to either get help or do myself when I can, but it hasn’t stopped me from writing. I’ve been working on a new article about digital decluttering all week, but since I decided to live a people first kind of life a few months ago I have to stop a lot. Have to see my dad off at the airport, have to nurse my son, have to not bring the laptop to the tea party with my sister, have to take my daughter to play with other kids at the parent and me preschool we go to once a week. I would love to write an article everyday, but what would be better is doing what I can and still being able to say I put my family first and also that the quality, whatever it is, doesn’t drop in an effort to write “more.” (August 29th, 2019) πŸ’—

My thoughts on aloha: Sharing the breath of life was one ancient meaning of the word “aloha,” alo – meaning presence and ha – meaning breath. It also meant start by teaching ourselves to love our own being, and then spread the love outward. It has come to be used to mean “hello, good bye, or I love you,” yet the traditional action was to inhale the shared air near someone’s nose, on both sides, sharing that moment and that air. For me it symbolizes that we are going through life together, not in a vacuum, as it can feel like sometimes. (Sometime in August, 2019) Aloha! 😀

I’d like to know what kind of topics you are interested in reading on this site, I made a poll for anyone interested in voting (August 23rd, 2019)! πŸ—³οΈ

I was shocked and suprised to get my first two followers the first day I reopened the website, I thought it would take a lot longer for the site to even show up on people’s computers, and I also thought nobody cared what I had to say, it was a really encouraging feeling. I know I’m supposed to rely on my internal motivation, but I think that the power of encouragement we get from other people, is quite powerful and understated even to a non-codependant individual. Thank you to all my readers, for spending your time reading my thoughts, I’m very grateful that you gave me the respect to see what I had to say. A few minutes of other people’s lives were spent reading my words, that’s something that actually thrills me and it is something I did not expect to happen for a long time. Yesterday, I read a beautiful post by Nomz, about celebrating our true happy moments of acheivement (“Boldly Celebrate Yourself“), that inspired me to allow myself to celebrate this moment instead of being shy about it! I think celebrating when we are truly happy is what reveals to us our own true passions and values vs the passions and values of the other people in our lives and I also still struggle with doing it on a daily basis. (August 22nd, 2019) πŸŽ‰

I’m a slightly bitter, married, slightly overwhelmed, mother of two, who teaches at home, seasonally migrates and I’m starting a new life as a writer today. I tried this once before, but had so much trouble with technical side, that I never finished the set up and never started writing. Now I’m going back to the drawing board for a completely fresh start, with a very simple website to host my honest thoughts about the things that truely inspire me (books, gardening, martial arts) and share some of the most helpful mental tools I’ve come accross for things like habit change, learning emotional intelligence, taking charge of the day, developing gratitude, increasing self awareness, ascribing meaning to life and balancing productivity with self care. (August 18th, 2019). πŸ•ŠοΈ