๐Ÿฆต Don’t Amputate the Wrong Limb ๐Ÿ’ช

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Cutting off someone’s functional limb is a mistake.

It really happens that the wrong limb is cut off… about 0.5% of the time or so.

Over a period of 6.5 years, doctors in Colorado alone operated on the wrong patient at least 25 times and on the wrong part of the body in another 107 patients, according to the study, which appears in the Archives of Surgery.

– Amanda Gardner Original Article
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But this article isn’t about when it actually happens, it’s about when it metaphorically happened to me.

Right now, I’m doing an email class from another blogger, Rachel Norman, “A mom far from home” and it’s remarkable.

I didn’t immediately want to write about someone else’s writing. but

If no one speaks of remarkable things, how can they be called remarkable?

– John McGregor

(Actually they are still remarkable no matter if no one speaks of them, but I still find it the right thing to do.)

I guess that I don’t want to navigate how much I can share of someone else’s work without being a thief, it’s always been murky water for me, if I don’t share anything it’s like having the readers listen to half a phone conversation, if I share too much it’s plagiarizationish.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS ME

Calm and Steady Moms

Because you are an easy going and gentle mother, you can easily help your children in the following ways. These are things that’ll bless your kids and come naturally to you.

Calm Reigns.ย You are a calm easy going mother, so as long as the kids mind you, the home atmosphere is one of peace. Background music and quiet play are often found in your home. (True)

Long fuse.ย Because you are not quick to blow it, you’re the best person to handle situations that quickly get out of control like potty training. You can do challenging things with your kids like building towers, doing puzzles, and various activities that other moms would lose patience over. (I feel like that was true, but I don’t know if I’m still that person, sometimes it seems like I’ve been broken my my daughter or by my response to raising her “I can’t blame a 4 year old can I?”)

Predictable. Though you might feel predictable = boring, actually to children predictability = stability. While you may not be super strict with routines you bring a predictability kids enjoy. (True, we have a flexible, but same each day, flow routine with a more predictable morning half and some choices for the kids in the afternoon half)

Excellent listener.ย You are an amazing listener. Children will find you a confidante, advice giver, and a strong shoulder to cry on. Your children – throughout all their years growing up – will come to you and your bond will be stronger because of it. (I really want that but feel like it’s almost totally lacking, dun dun daa…!)

Gift of contentment.ย Because you are present focused, you have an ability to be content with your circumstances. Children feel you are happy with them, valuable, and worthy of time and attention. You can sit down on their level and play, build, and imagine. You are the personality that most easily connects with their kids. (I treasure them, though I don’t love every moment, they know they are my treasures and I value each day with them, at least I hope they know that, perhaps it doesn’t always get through)

Slow to act.ย While this isn’t always helpful, at home with kids it’s an excellent quality. You don’t jump to conclusions or punishments and are able to come to the best decision. You aren’t impulsive with outings or purchases, and your spouse can trust you. (Yes, this is true, sometimes I wait way too long – like 4 years to start punishing things that really deserve kind discipline)

– Rachel Norman (My thoughts) Original Article

NOW I’M DOUBTING MYSELF

Confident + Take Charge Mothers

Because you are an organized forward thinker, you can easily help your children in the following ways. These are things that’ll bless your kids and come naturally to you.

Goal Settingย (learn to swim, hit a baseball, save $15, read a book alone, etc.) (I do do this with them and myself)

Routine. Routine brings extreme stability and predictability to life with kids, and you are able to make one and keep it like no one else. (We have routines, but we also didn’t have routines and life was horrible)

Family Togetherness. You are able to plan for something and make it happen. This can be days away, vacations, bonfires or even yard work days. (Yeah I do do those things – we poison slugs the two weeks before 4th of July and call it Slugpendence Day – they have parasites in our region as much as I like harmony in nature… the parasites are deadly for kids)

Character building. You can teach your children perseverance, determination, and follow through. These don’t come naturally to kids, but they do to you. Whether it’s a hard book, lesson, or chore required, stand by and help them grow. (I do do this)

Protective habits.ย Your personality is protective over things that are yours. You likely defend your children, stand up for what matters to them, and teach practical ways to be loyal like speaking well of those you love and helping them when they need it. (I do do this)

Thick skinned.ย Because you are thick skinned, you’re more easily able to respond calmly and in control to situations. Your children will find stability in your actions because you don’t base them on your feelings. They’ll feel confidence in you. (I’m not thick skinned inside, but I don’t show my feelings or react quickly so I’m kind of fake thick skinned)

Intelligence.ย You are likely above average in intelligence. It matters to you that your children learn, understand, and gain knowledge and wisdom. This may mean reading a lot, studying fun things, going to the library, playing games, or doing activities you know will help your children grow and learn. (We do all those things, I feel like I’m of average intelligence but lucky to have had great teachers and access to advanced education)

– Rachel Norman (My thoughts) Original Article

My husband wasn’t sure either, we both agree that I’m not the “fun-energetic mom” he is (though he is a dad), he is the fun-energetic mom spot on… but he thought I was a little of each of the other three.

So going back and reading the Calm and Steady Mom (here – is introverted) and the Confident Take Charge Mom (here – is extroverted). So that’s the key, I’m definitely the Calm Steady Mom, my sister is the Strong Deliberate Mom, my husband is the Fun Energetic “Mom,” and I know a Confident Take Charge Mom named Leslie. Yay! I collected all four.

But I do have a kind of split personality hidden confident take charge mom that comes out when I’m really pushed. I’m kind of a typical Japanese mild mannered mom wanting to make fancy lunches with love with an angry Irish mom that comes out when pushed to far… kind of like both my grandmothers at the same time, which is interesting because my sister reminds me of both of our grandfathers at the same time, on shy and intellectual the other very fiery and hands on.

You struggle with passivity.ย (Yes I really do, people mostly don’t know because I win the struggle, but the struggle is real.)

Because you are go with the flow and rarely amped up, passivity can be a struggle for you. This will become obvious as you have more responsibilities and duties to perform, but find motivation hard. (It’s so impossible to pretend for my kids that I’m excited about their drawing ext because even though I respect, admire, even treasure them, I couldn’t be any less excited. I basically don’t do excited to save my life.)

Find an accountability partner. If you have things you struggle to start/continue/finish, find a friendย who does not struggle with that, and ask her to help keep you accountable. (You are my accountability partner reader! Thank you. I’ve always made you my accountability partner, without asking, I just assume you will share your goals as much as you want to and I share mine with you, and it really helps, thank you!!)

Do the big things first. When you start your day, practice doing something undesirable before relaxing. Instead of play first, work later,ย find a better play/work balance. (This is a struggle, I’m good at play, play, play, and I’m good at work, work, work, but any other combination has been very difficult thus far.)

Choose restrictive entertainment times. Instead of allowing yourself unlimited leisure time, choose blocks during the day or week and relax fully during those times. At other times, get things done. (I’ve done this and it lets me work, but when relaxation time comes, I don’t unwind, so it’s a problem, yet surprisingly not a huge one, because I have a break, even when I work through it, I feel somewhat rested, because it was my fault I worked through it…)

Make some commitments. The Calm + Steady mom struggles with activity, but by committing to one (or a few, but not a lot) of causes you truly believe in, you will be motivated to follow through. (Totally making a manageable amount of weekly goals has been life changing, the tendency to take on too many things and too much pressure really crushes me inside no matter how other people think it’s cool I can do a lot from the outside.)

You struggle with disciplining your kids.ย (OH MY GOD YES… thank you for understanding my soul Rachel. Was God being lazy to only make four types of moms? My type fits me so well…)

It isnโ€™t that you donโ€™t want to. I know. Phlegmatic Calm + Steady moms struggle with discipline because they donโ€™t like confrontation or uncomfortable situations.

Theyโ€™d rather admit they are wrong โ€“ even if they arenโ€™t โ€“ to avoid fights or negative feelings.

Establish some house rules and explicit consequences for breaking them. Explain these thoroughly to your children and, when they donโ€™t follow through, enact your consequence. If this goes on autopilot for you, itโ€™ll be less of a struggle.

Stay connected to your children.ย Talk about their emotionsย and attitudes. If you are in tune with them itโ€™ll be easier for you to discipline them instead of avoiding the issue.

Donโ€™t rely on your spouse to do it all. Read theย 7 words you should never tell your child.

You struggle with people pleasing.ย (Yes, assertiveness has been a long hard road.)

Whereas other people struggle with people pleasing because they want everyone to like them, you struggle with it because you hate conflict.

Youโ€™ll fairly well do anything to avoid a fight. Sometimes this means giving people what they want even if it isnโ€™t right or goes against your wishes.

Readย The Best Yes. This will help you break out of people pleasing and get in tune with whatโ€™s wise for your own life.

Instead of avoiding all thoughts of conflict, play out likely scenarios in your head. The more you rehearse and prepare, the calmer you will be. The more you engage in proper and mature conflict resolution (even with kids!) the easier itโ€™ll be.

Create boundaries for yourself. Whether itโ€™sย โ€œtaking a minuteโ€ย fromย your kids or just learning to say โ€œno.โ€ Write down where you struggle to please others and create a clear plan of action for the next time you know itโ€™ll happen.

Stop saying what you think others want to hear. It is hard, but you can start this by being silent. Instead of agreeing with what you donโ€™t agree with, say nothing. When youโ€™ve mastered that, go one step further and share your own opinion, even if you know they wonโ€™t love it.

You struggle with finding hobbies and interests.ย (I have always had hobbies I love, but it’s hard to shift them if they can’t work out with my location, budget, pandemic ext).

Because you tend to go where life takes you, there are probably few interests that you are passionate about and call your own. This doesnโ€™t matter much in youth, but as you have become a mom and already have limited time to yourself, itโ€™s important to find things you love.

You will naturally default to entertainment or relaxing, but that isnโ€™t always fulfilling.

Findย a hobby that fits wellย with your motherhood lifestyle. Here are more forย non-crafty moms.

Join a class where you learn something new or meet new people. Whether itโ€™s a MOPS group, an art class, or even a running club, get out of your comfort zone.

Make a list of things youโ€™ve always wanted to know more about or do, and one by one, begin to explore something new. Find value in learning something else, not necessarily mastering it.

You struggle with confrontation.ย (True, sometimes I don’t want to have a thought or feeling that is controversial, even though I have many, then I hate myself for it or take years to voice it.)

Confrontation is your worst enemy and youโ€™ll do almost anything to avoid it. Unfortunately (but really fortunately) you canโ€™t avoid conflict in marriage or parenting.

Even though it makes you uncomfortable and want to run for the hills, you have to meet it head on.

Instead of thinking about conflict as a โ€œfightโ€ think about it as a meeting of hearts. With children youโ€™ll need to do things they donโ€™t like. Same in marriage. Knowing you have the best in mind for your family will help you not to escape. (I wish I would have read this a long time ago.)

Reward yourself for initiating a confrontational conversation. After youโ€™ve sat down your husband or child and had a hard talk, do something nice for yourself. Incentive works well.

Understand that being assertive in certain areas doesnโ€™t mean youโ€™re domineering and controlling. You are not used to standing up for yourself, so accept youโ€™ll feel uncomfortable at first.

Donโ€™t brush things under the rug. It doesnโ€™t work.

You struggle with decision making.ย (Yes, so much…)

Youโ€™d rather others make decisions for you than have to do the muddy work of deciding for yourself because, hey, what if it doesnโ€™t turn out well?

The burden of responsibility is a large one for the Calm + Steady mom, and it doesnโ€™t come naturally. (As edgy as I may look from the outside, I’m such a non-dominant beta kind of partner, I wanted my husband to take control of our family, but he is a fun-energetic type who could care less about plans or responsibility… so he won’t, I don’t feel comfortable being a wife who is the sole leader of the family, but he just won’t so… that is the only real option for now. It’s been a huge challenge to learn how to be a leader, when I don’t want to be a leader at all.)

Youโ€™ll feel more free and in control of your own life by adopting a few simple principles.

Decide to decide. If there are issues that must be decided, write them down and give them a date. If the date comes and you donโ€™t know, just choose. Though you donโ€™t โ€œfeelโ€ very stressed, unmade decisions weigh heavy and create stress that will find an outlet.

Ask for advice from others. The Bible says that without wise counsel, plans fail. Ask your pro-active go-getter friends for their opinion and, once facts are gathered, just make the best choice.

Fight perfectionism. Often the calm person will feel that itโ€™s better not to start than to get in there and not be sure how to finish. Fear of failure is huge. Know that most things can be fixed, and just start. (This I need to save.)

Ask your spouse for help. If there are some decisions you feel are not yours to make, put them on your spouseโ€™s plate and ask that he take them. If he disagrees, work together to find a solution.

Institute a family planning night where you discuss whatโ€™s happening within the family. This will help show you where decisions must be made, and you can navigate it together. (We do have Sunday family night, Woo!)

– Rachel Norman (My thoughts) Original Article

I feel I need to share this, if I remove it later that’s fine, but it’s so crazy how much of everything in my last 127 posts matched these three articles, I find it too remarkable not to share. It’s an overview of my life over the past 5 years especially and perhaps over my life time. It’s kind of emotionally daunting to learn so much about myself so fast. I not only see what she said, but it uncovers my soul to me much deeper and in more detail reading it… like uncovering fossils in the dust.

Especially these things are important to me (some problems I have worked through already, at least to some extent):

1. Excellent listener.ย You are an amazing listener. Children will find you a confidante, advice giver, and a strong shoulder to cry on. Your children – throughout all their years growing up – will come to you and your bond will be stronger because of it. (This I feel like I fail at.)

2. Instead of thinking about conflict as a โ€œfightโ€ think about it as a meeting of hearts. With children youโ€™ll need to do things they donโ€™t like. Same in marriage. Knowing you have the best in mind for your family will help you not to escape. (This is super important to me, I do it, but I feel I need to realize the importance and value in a deeper way.)

3. Fight perfectionism. Often the calm person will feel that itโ€™s better not to start than to get in there and not be sure how to finish. Fear of failure is huge. Know that most things can be fixed, and just start. (I’ve been doing this, and sometimes I doubt myself so much, that my crazy blogging process is okay, that everything else I try to do is okay, but I know inside the way I do things imperfectly, yet sincerely is the only way forward for me right now).

– Rachel Norman

A lot of advice I’ve gotten about parenting, while well intentional, didn’t help, made me feel bad about what I am able to do or who I am. Like getting the wrong prescription glasses, no matter how nice the writer was, it never worked for me.

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Believing a doctor’s book could parent my child better than me was a mistake.

Most notably Dr. Shefali Tsabary from Conscious Parenting and the Awakened Family. Her work it sounds so great, but it’s so “it’s all about me,”sometimes my husband snaps at the kids because he had a bad day in the stock market. Maybe 1%-10% of the time we do take our baggage out on the kids, but it’s by no means all the time. I just started a video with Dr. Shefali to see which type of mom I think she is and noticed that she said every time you have an issue with the kids, it’s because you are projecting your subconscious baggage on them.

Really?

This morning my son hit my daughter, I counseled her, nothing I did, no baggage I had caused him to hit her.

My son had peed his pants I gave him a shower, none of my baggage caused him to pee himself.

Her advice seems so wise and cool, but it’s totally off for us and that’s scary. Scary that I would rather believe a celebrity who is a Doctor, then myself (the only one of us here to actually see the situations).

She says (2:03) “all these parents haven’t been raised well” (I know I wasn’t, but really ALL THESE PARENTS?). Maybe I shouldn’t be so literal, but I am, so whether it’s her or whether it’s me, we aren’t a good fit. That doesn’t mean that she isn’t super helpful for some other mom, but for me it’s a bad fit.

She also says kids (2:34) “the first 10 years of a child’s life, that’s it, then you’ve irrevocably damaged them.” I could not agree less. I had a horrible first 10 years and I couldn’t feel less irrevocably damaged. We have trials in life (I think) and I believe so strongly it is never too late to face and overcome them, not as a child, at 10 years or at 100 years.

My grandfather died this year at 101, I know he was a different person after 100, he made peace with his life around 100, there was something special about it. It affected our whole family. The growth he made emotionally after 100, it caused me to soften seeing him soften, to be grateful seeing him enjoy ice cream for lunch everyday, seeing him laugh gave me hope that old age will have some joy of it’s own. To say you can mess up a kid irrevocably… the only way I believe you can do that is to kill them.

As long as there is life, there is hope.

But anyways… my goal wasn’t to complain about Dr. Shefali, it was to try to figure out what mom style she has.

A lot of what she says is great, that’s why it’s so dangerous for me (someone who takes things very literally – maybe too much) because some of what she says is absolutely hogwash, but it sounds so cool and she has the authority of both a Doctor and a celebrity.

I don’t know if it’s worth it for me to sort out the baby, the bathwater and the hogwash.

I wonder if perhaps she is right for Indian parents, but wrong for my situation?

(7:28) She says inside each parent we want our children to be the idealized version of what we never achieved.

I never felt that way, if so in small way that is definitely the center of my problems, if anything I gave my children too much freedom to hurt me in their expression of themselves.

But perhaps that tells me which mom she is, and perhaps it’s really helpful for other moms like that.

(8:28) She says the child is the teacher.

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Believing that my baby girl was my teacher was a small mistake.

I think that is where I went wrong, the way I interpreted that led me down a road of letting my dominant daughter lead our family of betas. But it’s wrong on so many levels. It’s not fair for a child to raise their parents, it’s fair for the parents to man up and raise the child, imperfectly to the best they can.

The child can bring up a situation, that teaches you about yourself, but they should not have dominance.

Someone with a fully developed brain (age 26) following someone without a fully developed brain goes wrong very fast, as fast as running into the street or drowning in a pool, and if we are smart enough to step in for the street and the pool, then why take a back seat for other things?

If the child is the smartest member of the family, maybe it does make sense for them to lead, but hopefully that isn’t the case.

What is better then either the traditional “I’m the parent, listen to me” or the child is the leader, for me, was the idea of an unequal team. Handing the child what can carry, but not expecting them to carry me, nor the family. Decisions are stressful for children, it isn’t right for them to have more weight than they can carry and they can’t carry what is meant for an adult.

Perhaps that is never what Dr. Shefali meant, but it sure comes off as if she wants to hand the responsibility of the child misbehaving as a neurosis of the parent, when it isn’t always about you at all.

How much stewardship can a child handle? It really depends on many things, them, the situation, the family… it’s not a perfect world where a child will handle well what you would like them to handle.

(10:25) “We are all doing it wrong.” Wow, I have for sure meant families doing it right. Shout out to Tailor Cox’s mom. Right isn’t perfect, but it’s loving, nourishing. I can’t believe how much I believed in this author before as a new mom, and I regret it, because if it is a right fit for some people, it was defiantly always the wrong fit for me.

I would want to finish the 1 hour video (I stopped at 11 minutes), but it’s not even worth it for me. For me it would be more worth it to follow more advice from Rachel Norman, who though less of a celebrity is 1000x more helpful for me.

I did figure out though that I think Dr. Shefali Tsabary is a Confident + Take Charge mom, and she probably would benefit from her own advice to be more conscious, and many other people were probably helped by her writing, but I wasn’t, because I was conscious enough and lacking the taking action that seeking more consciousness (by ruminating) prevents instead of helping.

So, with all respect, different strokes for different folks and when I say hogwash, I mean hogwash for me specifically. For me it was like being a person needing a prosthetic arm at the prosthetic leg factory listening to someone talk about why we all need prosthetic legs (that’s not my main issue).

I know many people would just immediately stop listening to someone who’s advice wasn’t helpful, yet I also know many people like me who bend over backwards trying to follow advice that doesn’t help so they don’t have to face the pain of finding themselves to be “flaky” or “inconsistent”, people like me feel compelled to do the wrong thing for a long long time before trying a different course to get to a different result.

โ€œInsanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.โ€

– Rita Mae Brown Probably Not Einstein

Some people would call me “insane” for being like that, but,

In a mad world, only the mad are sane.

Akira Kurosawa

So other people would call me “sane”.

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Because I’m enough to me, what anyone else thinks isn’t foundational, it’s a garnish (a love, hate or indifferent flavored garnish).
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“When you know better do better.” – Maya Angelou

But that’s for you to judge reader, I just want to speak my truth while I can in case it helps others like or unlike me, in some small way make their way in this world a little more easily, or with a little more significance, a little bit better in some way. That’s my reason for writing which took me exactly 129 posts to determine (self awareness level 20/129 ha ha ha) .

๐ŸŽˆ

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