I started the day wanting Allie Brosh’s new book to be out, it isn’t still (not until the 22nd of this month). So I compulsively checked her blog again to make sure there wasn’t anything new, there wasn’t. Then I reread some older posts to try to get by until Tuesday when the new book comes out.

She had a post with a better pain scale, I laughed until I cried just a little bit, then I ruminated on the post trying to chew all the flavor out of it.

I reflected on my own physical pain in life.

I probably had kidney pain, but when I went to the doctors they didn’t find anything, that mystery pain was the worst of my life, and I’ll never really know what was going on with it now. I had both my children without any pain meds, so for the pain to be so far past those times made me seek medical help, unfortunately when you seek medical help, diagnosis doesn’t always like you back… So I say kidney pain, but my doctor points out I don’t really know what exactly was hurting, that’s true, thanks for that I guess? So *kidney = *flank, deep abdominal area under ribs.

What I like about physical pain is that even if you don’t know when it will end (or if it ever will), it usually does.

What I hate most about mental pain is that even if you die you aren’t 100% sure it will be over, if there are ghosts or an afterlife, will we carry all that emotional baggage to the new world? That seems horrible, being with your spouse in the afterlife hearing about that time you didn’t do that thing they wanted you to do, but you didn’t do, forever, and ever, and ever, and another time. Some people did a “to death do us part” clause, we didn’t do that, so if there is an afterlife we are possible still going to be married or facing an afterlife divorce.

Comparing mental and physical pain is interesting, hearing about “what if the Russians influenced the elections” somehow scores the same as having a baby, but, the thing about having a baby was that, when it was over, it was over forever. Done. who knows how many stray people will bring up Russia’s theoretical involvement in an election from the past (that I didn’t care about then) in the present (that I so don’t care about currently) or further into the future (where I will have not cared about it even more) or even in the afterlife (where it will be really ridiculous to bring up, but perhaps some individuals will still bring it up, as if it was ever interesting to anyone who’s job wasn’t to seriously look into it, as many times as something can be seriously looked into).

Comparing the most pain I’ve had physically to the most pain I’ve had mentally, the mystery pain, to being married, there are definitely times that I would go back to the marriage, rather than the pain, if I had to chose, but also a few times I would take the *kidney* pain over returning to a point in our marriage.

Comparing the level 10s, there isn’t any physical pain I have been through that corresponds to growing up with my parents, gratitude for what they provided me, but it was, for sure, a difficult family dynamic for every member involved. Even if I’m not sure if I would enjoy eternity with my spouse, I know at any time, I prefer my marriage to returning to my parents (as their child).

Having sifted over the pain of my life time, I’m surprised I don’t have more insight into myself or my life, I suppose though I’ve had pain, like everyone, it hasn’t driven my decisions are much as other things, such as the desire to be loved or the desire to speak my mind.

I’m surprised that it hasn’t mattered more over all and it makes me wonder what does matter deeply in my life over the duration (rather than just in this moment)?