Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.– Bruce Lee
Saturday/Creative Day: Last week we went to the Hawai’i Museum of Science and Technology I loved it. This week there was a storm, the storm in our area, it’s the Kona Low, it is the wind racing over us like the wing of an airplane. It wants to lift things up and break them. The kids get scared, I think most of the community does, it’s wind, rain and snow at a fast rate, 50 inches of rain in 24 hours sometimes. But also it can be power outages or food shortages due to supply chain disruption, when power is down stores are down… I feel so much better now that we bought a generator, because we have a water pump the electricity isn’t just electricity it’s water and heat in our home, without it we don’t have a fire place back up. Last year I bathed the kids outside in the rain, in ice cold water, because we lost power for 4 days or so. The storm knocked down my favorite tree and our aquaponic system, since the plumbing broke it killed most of our koi fish by suffocation. Before having a bad experience I used to love storms, now I still like regular rain, but storm storms… less so. I’m glad the kids are talking about being scared, I think it’s worse to be a person who bottles up emotions. Anger and sadness can be bad, but concentrating them and stagnating them over time seems like it’s only ever worse. This year it was still tense during the storm, but I did feel like what we needed to fix after we could fix, I was happy the wood that gets knocked down might be used by my friends to build stuff. I feel like we can get and give help to our and from our friends now to get things back fixed even if they do get broken and that’s a good feeling. I feel at peace with nature, even though the storms are strong and destructive the same strong winds bring us abundant water for farming and sailing. I feel at peace with God for creating such a destructive system because there are also kind people to learn from and we can help each other rebuild. I’m happy the new stuff I made after understanding the power of the wind didn’t break and I’m happy that the old broken stuff was still broken, I didn’t just put it back how it was. I do get a certain “I believe in God feeling” during the huge storms, whether that is silly I don’t know, but watching the force of nature makes me see I’m small in the universe. I was happy to test the new garden gazebo against our storms… because now I can start the next one.
Sunday/Faith Day: Last week we went out skating. I bought two benches I wanted to buy that wouldn’t ship to my house before. I should probably have not got them until closer to the end of the month, but I’ve become so comfortable pay day advancing myself that I see my own fiscal irresponsibility even though for whatever reason it doesn’t bother me. In my heart a lot of things I wanted to happen are starting to happen, I’m getting closer to the three goals I had on my mind last summer even though it has taken me longer than I wanted it to (I wanted it to be by years end last year). As I approach my goals I wish I felt confident and responsible, I wish I felt sure of myself and reasonable, but there is always a voice of doubt, that what I want is crazy, how I’m doing it is stupid, that it won’t be good enough and that in the end nothing I do will matter before it crumbles to dust. I don’t know why I have that internal dialogue, but the listening to it somehow doesn’t stop me, I can’t stop having that at the back of my mind, but it can’t stop me from trying anyways.
Monday/Unity Day: Last week I cleaned up a friend’s house. This week I went back, I wasn’t sure if we would finish, but now I think we will. I noticed things need schema, like school supplies, toys, X person’s books, cleaning supplies, tools, kitchen goods, food goods, laundry, clothes, pet supply, current medicine, X project supply, pharmacy, office supplies, coins, small loose items, papers, mementos, things to return, party supplies/seasonal décor. I did feel a bit bad about over spending, I definitely correlate it to stress, I guess I need to find a more responsible and healthy way to deal with my stress.
GARDEN GOALS: Front: Stone Road, Milkweed. Back: Safe Paths.
Tuesday/Self-Determination: Last week I cut some frames for the art director I found out I really enjoy wood work, it’s a flow state activity for me. This week I went to a friend’s house to go to a friend’s house, I left my kids with a good friend and went to another friend’s house to clean, I didn’t spend a long time this time but I hope I made a difference. I feel so much pressure right now, even though my friend is under more pressure than me, I don’t handle pressure well and it doesn’t really help me to know other people do work well under pressure. I’m torn between I want to help because I’ve received a lot of help and support and I definitely want to withdraw in order to find a sense of inner calm, but it doesn’t feel right to do that.
PROJECTS: Stain Picnic Table
Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last week a ton of little girls doing karate together. This week we got more frame accessories and painted pots. It was a rainy vibe, there was good music, I liked it. I like the salt water, I like watching the tide. It’s fun to have kids for the kids to play with, but most of the things I like don’t really depend on people. I like the sound of the waves and the sound of the rain together. The waves were large, they remind me of a painting my grandparents had about lovers who both drowned trying to swim to each other. It’s a romantic story when you are young, and just bad ocean safety when you are old. I needed to restore my spirit and the beach does that faster than other things, my son had me write in the sand for him, we got farm fresh produce to try, bread fruit, I had seen it, but not eaten it. It’s like a potato in a remote way, it feels powerful like Taro does, after baking it I wished I had either fried it or mashed it, it seems like it’s delicious if you make it’s mild sweetness come out, maybe with bread… But I didn’t know how to make it well so it came out somewhat a failed dish. But now I have had a new experience at least. It was great hearing live music at the beach, it was so beautiful it takes me away and I feel like a kid again and I feel safe and I feel home.
Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Last week helping out with cleaning up for an inspection, this week I am taking a break. I’m sore from moving a heavy desk, I am going to go back tomorrow, but today I am tired and sore. In my mind I feel anxious my dad is coming back soon, it’s so much more peaceful without him, he has so much anxiety about so many things that it really annoys me deeply. His fear held me back from many things as a child, now it holds us back from having a healthy relationship, since he owns the home I stay in it holds me back from building choices I would want to make… I want to break free of the circle of his fear, I don’t want to hear the tone of it, I don’t want to hear his reasoning, I don’t want to be restricted or affected by it, I don’t want to add up what it costs him or how much I hate it, I just want to be 100 miles away from him, but we share the same house and my husband is delaying buying a new one because it seems costs will keep going down, which makes sense. So I am grateful to have somewhere to be, but I know it drains my patience and wellbeing living with someone with unchecked anxiety and I am open to finding a way out to my own place, but here with my friends who are becoming an artistic and educational tribe with me.
Friday/Creativity Day: Last week there was a big storm so our normal stuff got cancelled. I’ve been reflecting with a friend that the deep theme of my life was flipping the bad of my life into good, it makes me feel trapped that my anti path isn’t my own path, it’s the opposite direction as my parents, but not a free curve. I don’t know what today holds, it’s the morning now, I love that feeling of omnipotence. In a few hours I will probably go meet my obligations, then I have a fun event planned for the evening, but at 6:15 AM, it’s not yet set in stone if this will happen how they are scheduled to happen. I really like not having pets, with pets you make arrangements or go care for them, without them you don’t have to go home, you can stay with a friend, you can go help without knowing when you will be back to feed your pet. I really like not having a pet. You have more money for birthday presents… I’m going to sleep over at my friend’s house today because it’s close to my project area, I couldn’t do that with a pet, but mostly they are always taking up mental space. My kids take up mental space, where are they in each subject, how are their ethics developing if at all, are they well, what are their interests, how can we be a good team together, do I need to apologize to them, I don’t have extra room in my mind for much else and pets are something I enjoy not having there. I like gardening so I am sure some people would flip the two and eliminate the mess, costs and work of the garden.
Last Year to This Year
Last Year: I was very happy repairing the garden, gardening, planting flowers with the group, enjoying life. I guess I was thriving, I didn’t realize how my dad and I had suck lack of common ground deep down, not how much it bothered me our failure at an emotionally healthy, supportive relationship. I didn’t realize my husband would move away, nor that it would take us so long to start being home owners (still not).
This Year: I am overwhelmed, as I was last year. I decided to buy flower bulbs as I did last year, very excited for that small loveliness. I am excited and overwhelmed this year which is how I felt last year, I wonder if reasons cause our feelings or do we assign reasons to feelings purely arbitrarily?
Live – Lift – Love
Live – I feel really alive gardening and now woodworking, I feel really alive at the beach, I want to keep doing those things that allow me to feel that way. I am excited to try to repair my green house and plant milkweed in the front garden.
Lift – I am happy to be helping to do something that has been on my radar for a long time, but it is hard and tiring too so I can’t ignore the truth of it, I will need some rest soon, but I am happy to get to do what I said I wanted to do, I get to prove my integrity to myself a bit.
Love – The more I do what I say I will the more I love myself. The more I keep teaching martial arts the more I love myself. Wellbeing comes from art, music and the beach, but self love comes from service gardening or teaching martial arts. I can’t wait for the new flower bulbs.