“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

Saturday/Creative Day: Last week was “Dance, Roll or Skate” it was really fun, the art activity was great, we made photo frames and my kids love the one we made. This week we went to the museum for Theater Class and I was so happy that got restarted. I was proud to watch my daughter teach that class, she kept practicing and getting better. It took us almost a year to find the right time and place to start theatre class again, but in the end the Museum is perfect because they don’t mind us sharing the stage. I was happy to have fries with my friends after the museum. Went to the airport to get my dad, then got groceries, got gas and made cabbage soup, it felt like a long day by the time the car was unloaded and dinner was ready.

Sunday/Faith Day: Last week I had to go to the airport. This week I did some gardening. I talked to my dad about where he wanted my front garden and moved the bench that my dad made for my grandpa. The same amount of cider locks in a new pattern look more interesting. I want to scrub the cinder blocks, add soil, write down the amaranth before I forget what it is. Planning to build a bench for Earth Day and maybe make some bokashi is with spouts… I was happy with the garden progress, still wat to add more soil in the block squares, tur the soil that is there, I am hoping to start more sunflowers in the soil, but I wonder if I should use Mexica Sunflowers so I don’t have to replat like I have to with mammoths. Ordered some fairy garden stuff, which was cool. Walked my daughter through a math challenge about Rabbits, I am proud of her for being able to add and multiply so well. At night I took slugs off the plastic collars, it doesn’t stop them from crossing over, but it seems to make it easy for me to see them at least… I wasn’t patient enough to see if they come from under the soil or over the plastic, but I am glad the strawberries are doing well overall and I am glad that taking the slugs off the collars is easier than hunting them in other places. I’m proud I got more courageous, they say courage is the mother of all values, because without it you can’t stand up to anything. I guess pest control is the courage of gardening, it’s pretty important to not allow pests to make your food crops unsafe if you really plant to eat them. I’ve been cleaning my own items, home, paperwork, garden and notes lately, I’m happy that it happened. Before I felt blocked and now I don’t, I’m not really sure why it was like that and what changed.

Day 1

Day 2

Monday/Unity Day: Last week I redid my goals sheet and replaced the graphic from last year with this year. This week I’m looking over my old Google Keep Notes and seeing how I’ve changed. I still enjoy using Zazzle Business Cards to make goal charts. My values switched from integrity, earth care, persistence, clarity, presence, harmony and order to creativity, faith, unity, self-determination, collective work, cooperative economics, and purpose.

Earth care switched to collective work, which was good, the game Farm Together encouraged me to get help farming and help others farm. Integrity switched to Unity, which was good because being focused on getting along with my family instead of my own integrity has helped me get along better, I still maintained my own integrity without making it a mental focus. I guess I was too introverted or burnt out to be group minded during the pandemic and as a new mother, being part of a group has been healing, but I had to be ready first not after, I couldn’t just get used to it, I needed to be ready to put myself out there emotionally. Clarity became purpose over time, as I felt what my heart wants, which is what I call purpose (not what I can do for others) I was able to own what I feel like my purpose is and take steps to shift energy and time and money towards that, I only told one person how I really feel about it, but it felt so good to tell someone who seems to understand. Presence shifted to self-determination, instead of being in the moment I’ve shifted to a mindset of looking forward to what I am doing and building, though I like living in the moment a building mindset requires looking a little ahead and that is where I am in life right now. Harmony shifted to faith, which is good, any change seems to stir up dis-harmony but having some faith that I’m doing the right thing to lead back to harmony and a positive change is a healthier place for me, a place where I stir up mud to do things and trust it will settle back down. Order has turned to creativity, which makes sense, before I stayed home in my own routine now I go out to help with and take dance, to teach music, to help with theatre, it was very emotionally difficult to become more public with creativity, but I don’t regret it, because I was able to plant some seeds of creativity for the community, which benefits me directly, but others as well, I really think the whole community thrives when creativity thrives, that the human mind and soul crave beauty, novelty, story…

Clutter Fight Club: Last week I did metaphorical cleaning, reviewing goals, letting go of fears this week spiritual, psychological, existential, cognitive cleaning, not on purpose, I just notice and feel it happening, letting go of old feelings, of who I was and ready to move on into the future or at least the present, I’m recovering emotionally from the pandemic trauma of the lockdown and food shortages and uncertainty if our family would be okay. It feels really good to forgive some of it, heal from some of it and let some of it go. When it happened I didn’t think it would affect me much, little by little it did and I was left wondering if I would ever be the same again. I’m not the same actually, but at least I am recovered, I changed a lot, got a lot more anxiety about things I didn’t have anxiety about before and less about what I did have anxiety about before, I shifted. I don’t know how I feel about things changing so much, I don’t really want to think about it right now, some good things happened, but at the cost of my kids being really stressed and restricted, so I don’t want to say only good came out of the pandemic, that wouldn’t be true. I guess I can say the time I had to reflect and the experiences I had outside of my normal routines helped me see myself better, but the amount of stress and tension that my family had because of everything degraded some of my family relationships to the point I don’t think they will be salvageable, so I don’t know if it’s a “win” but it was something that happened with loses and benefits.

Here are some quotes I keep collected, I usually keep them to myself, but I may as well put them out there, it feels right today.

1. “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller

2. “The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” – Ayn Randou feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

3. “No one is to blame for your future situation but yourself. If you want to be successful, then become “Successful.” – Jaymin Shah

4. “Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.” – Abraham Lincoln

5. “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” – Anne Frank

6. “Great things are done by a series of small things brought together” – Vincent Van Gogh

7. “It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.” – Lou Holtz

8. “Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.” – Theodore Roosevelt

9. “Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.” – H. Jackson Brown Jr.

10. “If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.” – Napoleon Hill

11. “In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.” – Albert Einstein

12. “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou

13. “Be happy with what you have while working for what you want.” – Helen Keller

14. You’re so much stronger than your excuses.

15. “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” – Theodore Roosevelt

16. “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi

17. “The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” – Ayn Rand

18. “A surplus of effort could overcome a deficit of confidence.” – Sonia Sotomayer

19. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches

20. “The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.” – Pirates of the Caribbean

21. “We realize the importance of our voices only when we are silenced.” – Malala Yousafzai

22. “Failure is not the opposite of success, it’s part of success.” – Arianna Huffington

23. “Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.” – Judy Garland

24. “What hurts you blesses you.” – Rumi

25. “The world is changed by your example, not by your opinion.” – Paulo Coelho

26. “I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” – Bruce Lee

27. “It’s not what you do once in a while it’s what you do day in and day out that makes the difference.” – Jenny Craig

28. “Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die.” – Brian Vaszily

29. “The adventure of life is to learn. The purpose of life is to grow. The nature of life is to change. The challenge of life is to overcome. The essence of life is to care. The opportunity of like is to serve. The secret of life is to dare. The spice of life is to befriend. The beauty of life is to give.” – William Arthur Ward

30. “If you’ve never eaten while crying you don’t know what life tastes like.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

31. “Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” – Louise L Hay

32. “One, remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Two, never give up work. Work gives you meaning and purpose and life is empty without it. Three, if you are lucky enough to find love, remember it is there and don’t throw it away.” – Stephen Hawking

33. “A goal is a dream with a deadline.” – Napoleon Hill

34. “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” – Maya Angelou

35. “Dreams are the seeds of change. Nothing ever grows without a seed, and nothing ever changes without a dream.” – Debby Boone

36. “The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” – Socrates

37. “How to stop time: kiss. How to travel in time: read. How to escape time: music. How to feel time: write. How to release time: breathe.” – Matt Haig

38. “The trouble is, you think you have time.” – Buddha

39. “The greatest gift you could give someone is your time. Because when you give your time, you are giving a portion of your life you can’t get back.” – Unknown

40. “Time always exposes what you mean to someone.” – Unknown

41. “Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat is accepted as a reality.” – Bruce Lee

42. “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Confucius

43. “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.” – J.K. Rowling

44. “Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm” – Winston Churchill

45. Whenever you feel like a failure, just remember that even Coca Cola only sold 25 bottles their first year.

46. “Everything is hard before it is easy.” – Goethe

47. “Either you run the day, or the day runs you.” – Jim Rohn

48. “Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” – Marcus Aurelius

49. “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” Helen Keller

50. “The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has been before.’ – Albert Einstein

51. “The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.” – Mark Twain

52. “Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.” – Marcus Aurelius

53. Book 7, 47 – Watch the stars in their courses as one that runs about with them therein; and think constantly upon the reciprocal changes of the elements, for thoughts on these things cleanse away the mire of our earthly life. – Marcus Aurelius

54. “Do something today that your future self will thank you for.” – Unknown

55. “The greatest weapon against stress is the ability to choose one thought over another.” – William James

56. “It take s nothing to join the crowd. It takes everything to stand alone.” – Hans F. Hansen

57. “Motivation may be what starts you off, but it’s habit that keeps you going back for more.” – Miya Yamanouchi

Made with Lucid Chart (Free Online Chart Maker)

I updated my goals from last week and had completed some important goals as well as unwanted responsibilities. I made plants for many goals, it was a productive week, I wish every week important goals got done, but sometimes I can’t work that hard because I’m tied up with bullsh*t.

Tuesday/Self-Determination: Last week I finished some paperwork that I wanted to get done and that made me happy. This week I am so tired and apathetic, I’ve been having trouble putting my feelings into a name lately, labeling, but actually I feel really disconnected and apathetic lately. My dad came back, that makes me feel stressed, I feel like a pressure to explain myself or a fear that I won’t be understood, I guess instead of wanting to feel repulsed by the pet mess or annoyed at the passive aggressive illogical banter I feel apathetic instead. I guess apathy is a sign of hiding from or turning to numbness instead of being angry or sad. I’ve worked physically hard for a few days, I’ve emotionally been drained by my friends feeling hectic, though I don’t mind being there for them making some phone calls ext makes me tired. My sister is sick, caring for her by making her food or tea is so draining, I can’t believe people do that for other people it really tires me out. So actually even though I am really tired and kind of sick of extra work, I am really fulfilled by the garden making some changes and I don’t want to lose momentum. So I am torn between a need for rest and an ambition to finish my garden projects. My dad’s dog barks more than most dogs and the way it sounds when it walks annoys me, so having the dog around stresses me out, since I’m living in my dad’s house it makes me kind of ashamed I didn’t save up enough for my own house, perhaps I just need to be far enough away to not hear the dog bark and clip clop around on the floor… I really hate that dog, it feels good to say that, I don’t think about it on a normal basis. My husband, I don’t know what he expects to do with his life and I don’t know if I want to live with him. Living without him I would eventually need to go back to work the weekends at least, but I’ve learned how to be happy, how to teach the kids, how to have a nice life. Living with him I don’t know if he will snap at the kids, which I don’t feel like they need, I don’t know if he will criticize me, which I don’t want in my life anymore, I don’t know if he is going to manage his stress without trying to take it out on us? I don’t know what it will be like living with him again or if I want to. I feel bad for him that he is sick, but the kids are about as much responsibility as I can take, I can’t baby him with a special needs daughter, it’s not possible for me. I don’t know what will happen between us at this point and that’s tiring, the last 3 years I’ve been 50:50 between divorce and staying, or actually the last 7 years when I am really honest. He hasn’t made a plan for our future and it kills me, and it doesn’t kill him that it stresses me. He hasn’t been attentive or kind to me on a person to person level. He hasn’t been an equal partner in raising the kids or even made an attempt to try harder when I ask. Now that we are starting to struggle financially, that’s the only thing that wasn’t broken… the romance was broken, the respect was broken, the peace was broken, the equality was broken, the novelty was broken, but we had a stable financial household, now that is less sure, it doesn’t sound pretty, but now that everything is broken I don’t know if I start fixing one by one or cut my loses. Am I going to say that publicly? Yeah, everyone who knows me knows I live a brutally honest life.

I ran into this quote on my list of favorites:

“One, remember to look up at the stars 

and not down at your feet. 

Two, never give up work. 

Work gives you meaning and purpose 

and life is empty without it. 

Three, if you are lucky enough to find love, 

remember it is there and don’t throw it away.” 

– Stephen Hawking

So, I guess I will keep trying with my husband, just probably have to learn to be more assertive about telling him what he does doesn’t work for all of us and maybe even that I have a point I will walk away from, but I don’t have to walk away if we don’t hit that point again. We have been to that point twice, when he left the country to party before we planned our wedding and when he was too harsh with the kids and they needed therapy after, I guess I need to remember what that place feels like so that I can tell when he is over stepping what I want to be involved with in my only life. I guess I’m ready to walk away, but I am also ready to stay, either way.

Wednesday/Collective Work Day: Last week we went to the library for math club, Lego club, animation club, chess club, it was nice to be back at the library after so long. This week we went over some paperwork at an informal directors meeting since one director was sick. It felt good to get on the same page. We had some pasta. I saw some little baby beets growing up and small corn, it was nice to see that. I talked about how I was having trouble tackling more paperwork without a designated time slot. I talked about the reasons I had for wanting to share more responsibility out and my vision of the future and I asked the other ladies about what they thought, I think they will need more time to think about it though.

Thursday/Cooperative Economics Day: Last week I planted beets, this week they have sprouted nicely. I’m happy my dad paid for $300 of pea gravel, it’s looking really calm and pretty along with the existing greens and greys we already had. The front area was more or less level already so laying weed cloth under and spreading the gravel there wasn’t hard, the hill next to the house runs on a slope so it will need more gravel there to level out, unless I find something cheaper there to fill, maybe yard cuttings? Using gravel will be faster, filling with something free would be cheaper. Not sure yet. I go t a pretty fairy garden for my daughter, usually I would have gone cheaper, but it is beautiful and it’s the one she wanted to have.

Friday/Purpose Day: Last week I visited newly hatched chicks, a goat and a new garden, then had friends over at my house. This week the kids are sick, I feel like it missed me (or at least didn’t hit me hard -yet). Trying to be good about spending, writing down what I send now. I bought onion seeds today, but before paying $14 for a 8 type variety pack I found out Hawaii needs “Short Day” onions not long day onions, many onions I tried to grow like Walla Walla were “Long Day” onions, so it’s not all the way my fault they couldn’t survive, then I spend $2.07 on just one kind of short day onion. I can already imagine another renovation for this front garden. Portland Oregon Zen garden boarders and new paint/plastic rock façade. New benches for more seating, planters for more privacy from the main parking area, not sure how much will be too much, but it’s okay to plan and imagine.

GARDEN CLUB GOALS: Adventure Garden: Plank Road, Milkweed (six). Front-Front: Spouting Mamake.

Jungle Garden: Central Garden further mulch and garden bed weeding. Practice Ladder Knott. Test Ladder.

Tropical Garden: Organize Plant Starts.

Farm Garden: Central Clearing, Moon Arch, Veggie Beds, Solar pump pond.

FARM TOGETHER GOALS: Starting mamake, ‘Ohia (0/100), sandalwood, koa, corn, watermelon and strawberry.

PROJECTS: Waterproof mortar for pond repair. Backyard road.

CLUTTER FIGHT CLUB: Demold living room. Declutter my bedroom items.

Last Year to This Year

Last Year: I was doing a lot, but super stressed out trying to find time to take care of the house, cook, exercise, clean my teach stuff, organize and keep my finances and paperwork in order. I wanted to make time to paint and write, relax and play music, but I never did because fun things took a back seat to productivity in the year that followed.

I learned this last year: א (alef), ב (beit) , ג (gimel), ד (daled), ה (hei), ו (vav), ז (Zain), ח (get), ט (tet), י (yod), כ (kaf), ל (lamed), מ (mem), נ (noon), ס (sameh), ע (Ain), פ (pey), צ( tsadik), ק (kuf), ר (reish) , ש (shin), ת (taf).

This Year: I am still struggling to make piece with my dad leaving his dog pee for others to clean, leaving his dog’s poop all over the yard, leaving trash all over the driveway and his junk on the kitchen, the floor, where ever, it takes a lot of stress or patience for a hoarder and non-hoarder to cohabitate and I often think it was a mistake on my part to enter into that situation with my kids, because I have no patience for my own kids that I love by the time I’m frustrated with my dad being a dysfunctional cleaner.

VALUES REFLECTION REMINDERS:

SAT Creativity thinking of new ways to do better. Changing the venue for theatre helped a lot, having a stage helps the theatre vibe, having a few people together and some audience does as well. SUN Faith in myself. I talked to my dad about the garden layout, it is difficult for me because I don’t like the unclear way he talks, I just want a straight answer. MON Unity, feeling comfortable in a family. I am struggling with the feeling that my dad doesn’t care about how his dog poop and trash makes the garden less enjoyable for the kids to play or for me to maintain, I don’t want to talk to him and find out he doesn’t care, I don’t believe talking to him will help, I really don’t believe he cares to clean up his own responsibilities, I think he doesn’t care and won’t change so much that I don’t even want to waste my breath talking to him about how I feel about it. I don’t want to clean after his pets because I don’t want him to get more as he ages further that he can’t care for himself. He might do it, but I don’t have to support it in anyway. TUE Proactivity, know what I want. I am trying to tune into my inner voice, but right now that I’m a bit sick I feel like my negative thoughts are blown out of proportion because I am a bit sick. WED Teamwork smarter group work. We began the discussion of legal terms and paperwork, it was good, it’s nice having a week out of the public eye after having a week in public for clubs. THR Connection, sharing my passion with the world/accepting others gifts. I really enjoyed landscaping this week, I had a goal and was able to have enough time to work on it and finish that area, so often I am waiting on materials or something I don’t have (sprouts ext), this time I had everything I needed so it took 3 days instead of forever to finish a little landscaping project. FRI Purpose know what I can do. I feel unsure between my kids, my gardening, my friends, I don’t really know what my purpose is, I felt so unsettled by my husband wanting us to be somewhere else in the summers, I especially don’t want that, I hate how the people closest to me are the people who cause me the most trouble, I wish I had more supportive people in my life, what I have is a lot of trouble makers and not listeners and some nice people, but I don’t like the ratio still, I don’t think I can be myself until I know when and where I am living and I try to ignore the uncertainty, but it doesn’t disappear, it bothers me not knowing and that keeps me from enjoying life more and checking in with my feelings, because I have a feeling of dread at not knowing what will happen, since I don’t know.

Live – Lift – Love

Live – I feel really alive when I rake the gravel, I like the sound and the feel but also I like that I’m completing a garden goal.

Lift – I am encouraging my friends to start their own starts, it’s fun to see what they grow, one is starting collards and tomatoes and another squash, I am doing mostly bell peppers right now, but some cherry blossom and cedar too, it’s nice that we can be ourselves but get along.

Love – I love that my bokashi is working now for fertilizer so I don’t have to import more, part of the highest cost to my garden was fertilizer because I don’t have any chicken manure or cow manure or finished compost or basically anything else to fertilize with other than bokashi, worms are illegal to import where I live so I can’t make a worm bin for worm casting. But now that the bokashi is going well I feel like I have enough fertilizer for my needs without having to buy anything further.

🍝